Episode 6 Psychoville

-Kenchington had me working on her research full-time.

-Research into what?

-The secret of life itself.

How long do you think she's got?

She won't need to set the alarm for the morning.

Kenchington was paid two grand a month to keep a head. A human head!

She kept her father's head!

The Locket! Where is it?

Mr Jelly? You're to transport it to an address in London.

-Who'd want to bring back a dead Nazi?

-Oh, you'd be surprised.

This programme contains some strong language

This programme contains some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting

DOOR OPENS >

Ah, Mr Finney. Nice to have you back with us.

What news?

Well...according to my local sources...

we can move this one and this one over here.

No! I'll do it.

She died last night and he was found in the Leeds Liverpool canal with a bullet in his chest.

-And it wasn't your doing?

-No.

Well, it's nice to hear a bit of good news for a change. Pay the man, Kelvin.

Peter Bishop is on...

-May I?

-Yes.

Peter Bishop is on his way in with the locket, accompanied by Mr Jelly

and an unknown associate using the codename Mrs Ladybird Face?

She could be with the Russians, keep an eye on her.

-And we're all on course with the presentation?

-All set for 1500 hours.

Prof Winslet is just waiting for the locket.

Excellent. So that just leaves young Mr Sowerbutts.

-I suppose he can't do us any harm.

-I could...

..take care of him.

Oh.

Well, there is a gap there, isn't there? It would make it all rather neat.

-No loose ends.

-No loose ends.

It's Sister Abigail, here, from St Augusta's Convalescent Home.

You asked us to call you if there was any change in the condition of patient Jennifer Lau.

Well, I think you'd better come.

I hate London. It's a right shit hole.

Look at all these weirdos. How's that head doing?

It's all right, but them Magnums are going to be melting.

I told you not to buy Magnums. You could've got 20 ice pops for that! I think that's him.

He said he'd have a green jacket on.

The black swan has landed on the village green.

What?!

Head?

Fuck off, freak!

Mr Jelly?

How did you know?

Just a hunch. I've got a taxi waiting. Come on.

-Taxi?! Who's paying for that?

-Quickly. Please!

Where's Teabag? Thought he was coming with you?

Oh, he stayed behind to look after the shop.

Hello, David.

Mind if I sit here?

What are you doing?

Having a flask of beans.

Oh. That's clever.

I never would have thought of doing that.

-Do you want some?

-No, thanks.

They're freezing cold.

They haven't warmed up yet.

I think you're meant to warm them up before you put them in, but...

Oh.

My mum used to do that for me.

I was sorry to hear about your mother.

-Why, what's happened?

-Well...I heard she died.

Oh, yeah. I knew that.

She seemed really nice.

She was. Mostly.

60 quid?! Get a receipt!

You done any murders recently?

No, I left the company.

Robin was getting a bit too much.

He tried to touch my breast.

Um...

-I bought you a present.

-Has it got the picture of Mary Kelly?

Yeah. I thought it would cheer you up.

-I'm not convinced about the Maybrick theory, are you?

-No.

Druitt knew her though. She would have let him in without a fuss.

And he was seen with Elizabeth Stride.

Exactly.

-Can

-I

-touch your breast?

I'd like you to.

(Thank you.)

Mr Bishop?

That's correct. I believe we're expected.

This needs to go into a deep freeze straight away.

Absolutely. Take this item to the vitrification area.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on a minute, sunshine.

I'll come with you if you don't mind. This is my pension.

I thought them Star Wars figures was your pension?

-How do you know about them?

-What have you got? Not a blue Snaggletooth?

-No, an original '78 Boba Fett.

-Boxed?

-Yeah.

-I'll talk to you about that later.

-Shall we?

-Yes, sorry.

Jennifer?

Don't tell anyone I was here, will you?

What are you doing here?

'I told somebody. Sorry.'

It's like The Apprentice.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

-Which one is it, Kelvin? I'm trying to close the curtains.

-I think it's that one there, ma'am.

-Oh. Try the, er...the other...

-Oh, forget it. Forget it.

Just thought it would have been...

So, I believe you have something we may be interested in purchasing.

That's right.

Ah.

Is this like Cash In The Attic?

No. This locket holds the key to decades of scientific research.

All right, Kelvin. I'm sure Mrs Ladybird Face is well aware of the situation.

SHE SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE

May I?

I think perhaps first we should discuss the price.

-Oh, she couldn't come. She's agoraphobic.

-No. Monetary price.

Oh, I don't know her.

We have a figure in mind.

Oh. There's no decimal point in this.

What's so special about that locket?

This?

Nothing.

It's worthless. This, however...

is quite literally the missing link.

The human brain operates at ten quadrillion calculations per second.

That's 10 to the power of 16.

What Kenchington and Ehrlichmann were trying to find out was whether it was possible in theory

to recreate the neural connections in the front hypothalamus

to revivify a brain which had ceased to work.

Just a minute. The human brain...

What was it?

They were working on a theory to bring the dead back to life.

With so many connections, it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

But one day...

we thought we had a blueprint which was theoretically possible.

All we had to do was wait for the technology to catch up to put it to the test.

Kenchington did a deal with Andrews Nanotech, but withheld part of the formula as security.

She engraved this formula on the links of a chain

which she kept about her person at all times.

Shortly after that, she let me go.

I was cured, you see.

She didn't need me any more.

Mmm. Looks like a lovely walk, that.

Whitby to Robin Hood's Bay. It's quite a good book, this, can I borrow it?

No.

Look, I'm all better now.

When are you going to let me go?

Well, I'll speak to the inspector and, er, see what he wants us to do.

HE SCREAMS

I can't get mine on.

Oh. Eh, they're good seats, aren't they?

When we saw Cats we were right up in the gods.

What's going on? Have we done a deal yet?

Yes, but there are some stipulations.

-Like what?

-The head has to come to life first.

What are you talking about? Don't be fucking ridiculous!

Oh, they can do it. They made a car fly in Cillit Bang Bang.

I've just done a deal with Andrews.

If this works, she gets the technology, I get the head.

Er, WE get the head.

Oh, yes, of course. I've already got a few nibbles in the Far East.

I'll have some nibbles, and a programme. I want to show Pat.

All I wanted to do was come to London and sell a dead Nazi's head, but no,

it has to be brought back to life first.

Nothing's ever straightforward is it?

-They're just inputting the data from the chain, ma'am.

-Excellent.

We're nearly ready, everyone.

If you'd like to take your seats.

This is it, Kelvin.

-Wish me luck.

-Good luck, ma'am.

Too much.

Gentlemen. Ladies.

In a moment you will witness the first ever successful reanimation of a human brain.

As you know, we've spent many years developing the nano technology to make this breakthrough possible.

At present, you are interested investors,

but after today's demonstration I'm sure I will be proud to call you business partners.

Kelvin, dim the lights.

My Mum...

by David Sowerbutts.

She always brought me cocoa She always brought me tea

She always held my willy

When I had to do a wee

My mum said I am special

I think that she is, too

And now that she's not here

I don't know what to do.

Thank you, David.

And now for today's reading, which comes from John, chapter 11.

And the Lord saith, "Our friend, Lazarus, has fallen asleep,

"but I will go to Bethany to wake him up.

"I am the resurrection and the life.

"He who believes in me will live,

"even though he dies.

"And whoever lives and believes in me will never die!"

"Take away the stone," he said.

And so they took away the stone.

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you

"that if you believed you would see the glory of God?"

And when he had thus spoken,

he cried in a loud voice,

"Lazarus, come forth!"

And he...

..that was dead...

..came forth.

It's alive!

He's drowning.

-You're drowning him!

-Tell them to drain the tank, Kelvin.

You didn't think this through properly, did you?

Can you drain the tank, please?

Dr Ehrlichmann, can you hear me?

Ja.

Wer bist du?

Ich heisse Grace Andrews.

Ich bin funfzig Jahre alt. Erm...

How...long?

Oh, it's all right. It speaks English.

Nearly 35 years, Dr Ehrlichmann. You're 109, but you don't look it!

Where is...

daughter?

Oh, God, what do I say?

I can't tell him she's dead, it'll upset him.

-She's nipped to the loo?

-Don't be stupid!

She's on holiday. In Cornwall.

Whereabouts?

St Ives.

She said to say hi!

Tired...

Tired?! He's only just woken up! He's been asleep 35 years.

We'll let you rest, Dr Ehrlichmann.

There's so much to catch up on.

An incredible moment, I think you'll agree.

What you see before you is a cryogenically preserved brain,

revived with all its memories and faculties intact.

What we propose is that we market this process...

This technology must be used wisely.

Absolutely.

The cost of neuropreservation...

All future cryonic patients must be screened for racial purity.

Well...

The diseased and weak among us must be allowed to perish...

He's a chatterbox, isn't he?

..like rotten fruit on the vine.

Can we turn him off now, or throw a cloth over him?

He's not a budgie!

As I said, this is a prototype. We are still experimenting with the levels of molecular DNA...

# Deutschland Deutschland uber alles... #

Right. I think we should move this to my office now and look at some figures.

Is this the interval?

Nothing's happened. It's a rip-off!

You've just seen a human head come back to life. What more do you want?

-Excuse me.

-Yes?

I'm going to go and close this deal. Get rid of those two for me.

-Me?! I...

-No loose ends, remember, Kelvin. We are almost there.

And where the hell is Finney? He should be dealing with this!

MOBILE BEEPS

ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

We have entrusted our sister, Maureen, to God's mercy

and now we commit her body to be cremated.

HE BANGS ON COFFIN LID

BANGING

# One, two

# One, two, three, go!

# Clap your hands... #

Stop!

# Sleep

# Wave your hands

# Hitch a ride... #

Oh! Ahh!

# Sneeze... #

Ahh! Ahh

# One, two

# Let's see you swim

# Now ski... #

HE SCREAMS

# Spray

# Macho man

# Sound your horn

# Ring the bell... #

In here, please.

-Where's that Peter Bishop got to?

-He's, er, taking a closer look at the head.

Probably trying to sell him a Simpson's chess set.

-Would you like to have a seat, Mrs Ladybird Face?

-Oh, thank you, love.

I found the head, you know, not him.

I should be in there, negotiating. I've good mind to take it home and just put it on eBay.

-Oh, I've got a copper one of those. They help your bones.

-Eh?!

What are you doing?

-It's just a precautionary measure.

-You're double crossing us. I told you, you get ripped off in London!

I have to protect Miss Andrews.

Ooh!

He's behind you!

-Sorry, Mr Jolly.

-It's Jelly!

Mind his stump!

Who the hell are you?

So, what else? We've done Live Aid and the credit crunch.

Ooh, do you know about Sky+?

Please...let me rest.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm babbling.

I just wanted to say, Doctor, the Party is still very strong.

Gut.

But we need some one like you to rally the troops.

A figurehead.

No pun intended.

When do we begin?

Once we get out of here, we're going to have a mini summit in my shop Hoyti Toyti's.

Was ist Hoyti Toyti's?

Oh, we do antique toys and games and...

-Sorry, we have to let the doctor rest.

-Of course.

Thank Gott.

And as we move into the third quarter, we can see that the projected return is...

..very healthy.

Oi, Mighty Mouse. I want a word with you.

-What is this? Get out of my office!

-You're trying to diddle me, aren't you?

-What?

-Your friend just came at me with a prick in his hand.

-I'd keep that to yourself.

Leave or I shall call security.

-Oh, and have me killed like you did all the others?

-What others?

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what he's talking about.

Joy Aston, Robert Greenspan, Oscar Lomax, all killed on your orders.

Oh, I've had people killed, have I?

Well, I must be very powerful(!)

Yes, Jenkins. Mr Jelly is in the boardroom.

No, that's not code for a fire, he really is. I want him removed.

Oh, have him "removed". Call Detective Finney, he'll do that for you, won't he?

Never heard of him.

Oh, yes, you have. A little birdie told me.

-Let's turn this off and tell everyone what you've been doing.

-Don't fucking touch that!

It is brand new!

Keep your greasy fingers off it.

I haven't got any fingers. Rude.

Whatever.

Now, for the last time, I don't know what you are talking about,

I've never heard of any of these people. So if I could PLEASE

finish my presentation.

Shit. Wrong button.

-THUMP

-Ugh!

Who is it?

You don't know me, but I know all about you.

My boyfriend died so that you could live.

I don't think that's right, do you?

Sacrifices must be made for the greater good.

There's nothing good about any of this.

Come closer, Madchen.

Come where I can see you.

Now I understand.

You are one of the weak.

You have no contribution to make to our society.

Says the head in a box.

For too long our blood has been mixing with the lower people's.

But with this new technology the process of evolution can begin again.

So people like me would just disappear?

Mmm. Exactly.

The meek shall never inherit the Earth.

We are legion.

There is nothing you can do to stop us!

There is one thing I can do.

Ahh. Was passiert? Argh! Argh!

Es schmertz! Ahh! Es SCHMERTZ!

Dr Ehrlichmann?!

What are you doing?

Es schmertz!

No! Stop! Stop!

Oh, no! Did I miss the end?

What happened?

'It is believed that Andrews had been collaborating with neo-Nazi groups across Europe

'and is expected to face trial as an accessory to at least four counts of murder.'

Do you want me to mush it up for you?

'One eyewitness describes the events.'

They had this, um, dead Nazi's head in like...

What would you call it?

-Like a fish tank.

-Yeah, like a fish tank.

-He looked like Captain Mainwaring.

-Dad's Army.

-Yeah, from Dad's Army.

'The revivification of a frozen brain is still believed to be in the realms of science fiction.'

Do you want ice with that?

'However, recent events suggest that the possibility may be closer than we think.'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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