Comedy series satirising the state of the nation. Dennis Pound is on the streets of Loughton crowdsourcing new policies for Ukip, while Dale Maily braves a festival of hippies.
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-Well, you stay back.
This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
-Jez, I love you, man.
-Rip it off! Put it in the bin!
Crazy challenge! Oh, my God!
EE, I love you!
Emergency care in crisis.
Not enough doctors, too many patients.
Although we have ongoing and serious concerns with the contract,
patient safety is always our primary concern.
It's Friday night at St Greg's.
Hello. Cardiac arrest.
Like so many hospitals in the UK,
the staff at this A&E are seeing the effect of the £2 billion NHS
-Can I get some help, please?
We're losing him.
Nurse Jefferies is responding to an incident in the corridor.
A middle-aged man has been found collapsed on a hospital trolley.
Come on, Doctor. Time for work.
Due to a continued lack of investment in the NHS,
Dr Allen is on his 250th consecutive shift.
This is my wife on the day our baby boy Matthew was born.
He'll be seven and a half now.
I'm hoping to make it home for his tenth birthday.
In theatre three...
-..Dr Gupta is preparing to perform an emergency appendectomy.
I could run to the kitchen, see if they've got any?
I've got a spoon in my bag. You could use the pointy bit.
We've run out of anaesthetic.
Get his spoon.
Welcome to Inside The Story.
I'm Dale Maily,
fearless hetero journalist who's not afraid to be unafraid.
I deliver fair, impartial news, as it happens, wherever it happens,
telling you the right way to think.
Hippies. You may think these smelly, flower-wearing drum-bangers
are harmless. Well, you're wrong.
These tie-dye-wearing, incense-burning,
Rizla-licking wasters are now dipping their dirty toes
As I walk round here today, there's a definite smell of aloe vera,
of nutmeg, of sandalwood. Not so dangerous in a city,
but in these kind of environment is exactly the concoction that can
radicalise young people.
These dreadlocked quinoa-touchers are known to use violence to further
their criminal activity and environmental goals,
so I've infiltrated Green Gathering, a pop-up caliphate
in the middle of the Welsh countryside,
to find out how these terrorists radicalise the public.
Shocking, really. Shocking when you actually see children being
radicalised by this... I don't...
-Your ideas are dangerous.
-Dangerous ideas, radical ideas.
That's why we're here. To connect up our radicalism.
As you can see, a strange crossover point here.
As you walk into this tent, you get a strange, sympathetic feeling
for Islamic fundamentalism, and look here -
a garment that wouldn't look out of place on someone fighting for Isis.
-Well, you stay back.
-You stay back.
-Don't walk towards me.
-Don't come anywhere near.
-Go over there to the campaign space
and sit there and listen.
But listen to what? I mean, it's just a lot of people talking about
strange, left-wing, radical ideas that could destroy society.
You can just see the leaders here.
The leaders here are literally asking them to be radicalised,
they're radical, all of them. It's unbelievable.
I'm going to see what happens when someone really tells them
what's going on. Excuse me.
Are you just all ashamed of yourselves being here?
Are you ashamed of what you're doing?
You've got radical ideas here that you're pushing.
This is a very dangerous agenda.
This is Natalie Bennett. She's the leader of the Green Party,
is here. What is she doing here?
Do you support these domestic extremists?
Er, well, domestic extremism means standing up to have a politics
-that people can believe in and trust.
-Believe in what?
-Honesty in politics. That's a radical idea.
-It's a joke.
-It's an absolute joke.
-Why are you trashing a really good meeting?
You come in here fucking talking bullshit.
What are you talking about? It's all a joke. Unbelievable!
Trying to get things together in a hippy tent. Unbelievable.
This is Dale Maily for Inside The Story with a bunch of Green losers.
SHE PLAYS PERCUSSION
The UK has voted to leave the European Union.
The sun has risen on an independent United Kingdom.
So what happens now? What happens next?
My name's Dennis Pound and I'm a member of the people's army, Ukip.
Now that we've achieved our main goal of making the UK independent,
the party needs some new policies, so I've been sent to Loughton in Essex
by a top brass to find out what the great British public wants.
Can I bother you for some policy suggestions?
We're all out. Got any?
-We've got our independence and we need another suggestion for the I in Ukip. No?
-Got a few.
-Yeah? Brilliant. We could use them.
No Eastern Europeans on any building site anywhere.
-None at all? OK.
-They don't understand English for a start and they put other people at risk.
-When they're turning up, and they take the jobs from the likes of me and my kids.
It's good. Now we're out of the EU, we can do these things, you know.
English people are free to, you know,
work in construction sites and clean toilets and work in Pret A Manger.
-I don't mind 'em coming. If when they come here,
-one, they should have a permit to work...
-..two, they should come here already having a job to come here.
Do you mean that metaphorically or literally?
If I start telling you,
I'll probably get arrested, so it's best I keep my opinions to myself.
I think that these...
-Europeans that are here now...
-Yeah. Should we get rid of them now?
-Yeah, I would, tomorrow.
-Couple of weeks? Tomorrow.
I'd put them on an island and shoot them all, myself.
-Yeah, that's a bit drastic.
They come to this country and they're raping people and they get away with it.
-It's not normal, it's not right.
-It's true. Perhaps we should...
Bring back hanging. Hang the lot of 'em!
Shall we do it in a public sphere so everyone can see it happen?
Yes. Yes. If they want to kill some young girl or baby...
-Yeah, just hang 'em up.
-And if they brought back hanging,
I'd like to be the person that hangs them.
-That hangs them?
-You sure about that?
-Yeah. I could easily kill a person.
I mean that's a whole new growth industry, isn't it?
-Couldn't kill a dog.
-But a migrant claiming benefits on the benefits
system, no problem at all.
They go out raping and fiddling with our kids, then yeah.
We should not have people that don't get voted in telling us what we
should and shouldn't do when we haven't even voted for them.
Yeah, we're sick of foreign faceless bureaucrats telling us what to do.
-We want English bureaucrats telling us what to do.
Do you have any policy suggestions for Ukip? We're all out.
Er, yeah, do something about the refugees in Calais.
-Well, what should we do about them?
-Get them over here.
-Beg your pardon?
-Get them over here.
-We're making them refugees in the first place, aren't we?
Right, OK. So, refugees over to UK.
Definitely written that down there. OK, well, thank you.
I was born in this hospital 50 years ago.
And ever since, I've been waiting to have this umbilical cord cut.
Clean diesel was the promise.
The reality was anything but.
-Do you think the manufacturers should be telling the truth?
Volkswagen has been accused of cheating tests.
Most VW group cars with 1.6 and 2-litre TDi engines are affected.
In reality, their diesel cars pump 40 times more pollution into the air
than is legally allowed.
All right. You all right? It's OK.
Well, it's his idea. It's not... I didn't suggest it to him.
It's him, it's him. He's got this diagnosis and it's just going to be going...
You know, from now on. So just thought, end it while the going's good.
And, you know, I don't want to send him to Dignitas or anything like that. It's pretty pricey.
-So this is... It's a diesel, right?
The fumes are quite bad on these diesels, aren't they,
from what I read?
-You guys done your tests on them?
Is it sort of hermetically sealed, airtight, once you're in there?
-Nothing can get out if you wanted to hot-box it up with his
-pipe hole in there and there's loads of fumes.
OK, I'll see you in a sec.
So, Grandpa, I'm going to hook this up for you now, OK?
-Oh... What are you...? What are you...?
-Nah, nah, nah...
I just want him to painlessly fall asleep and this is the
best way to do it. He's an environmental guy.
He wanted to go to Prius down the road but I said that would take 45
minutes, this'll take a couple of minutes. It's the perfect solution for us.
-Are you serious?
-It's a shame.
-It's going to be a Mission: Impossible out here, really.
The Labour Party is in the midst of a civil war.
With Jeremy Corbyn having won his second leadership election by a
landslide, many believe that Labour is too left-wing to be elected into government.
In this series,
we follow two Labour Party members on opposing sides of the argument.
Robin, a dyed-in-the-wool socialist and canvasser,
and Penny, a Labour Party adviser and self-confessed Blairite.
Both are convinced that their version of Labour is the future.
TIN WHISTLE AND DRUMS PLAY
The annual Miners' Gala in Durham is a march that brings trade unions
from across the country together.
Since much of Labour's funding comes from these organisations,
it's always in the party's interest to keep them on side,
something that Jeremy Corbyn has managed well during his leadership.
When we do things together, when we're united together,
we are very strong together and we change things because of that.
I've only just joined the Labour Party.
The first time I ever voted was voting in Jeremy Corbyn, know what I mean?
-It was a good vote.
-Robin is at the gala to show some solidarity.
I'm just glad that, like, under Corbyn, like, the party's lost that sort of poisonous need to
win elections, do you know what I mean? I mean who wants to win elections?
Nobody. Like, you can't stand firm and actually govern, know what I mean?
Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Begrudgingly, Penny has also decided to visit the gala to find out
if union members really are all Corbynistas.
Just so you know, Jeremy Corbyn is a loser.
I didn't say that to you.
You're not supposed to say that kind of thing around here, I don't think.
I wonder how many of these people have sons who are secretly talented
-What's this? Who's that?
-That's a young Lenin.
Come on, mate! Get me a young Lenin.
-No, it's been hard for everyone, this economic downturn.
-You know, we had to sell the place in Sardinia, for instance, which was terrible.
I'm sure you've been through similar experiences.
Oh, yeah. I've had people actually lose the only home they had.
Yeah, it's awful, when you lose one of your homes, isn't it? Yeah.
How much do I owe you now?
-It's four quid, mate.
-I thought you were a Communist!
I thought these were for free! You're a bloody capitalist, aren't you, mate?
I'm a capitalist now.
I mean, Jeremy does have a lot in common with the miners.
He is in the dark most of the time, like them.
He'd be a great leader for the party if it was 1962.
Robin has got wind that Jeremy Corbyn is attending the gala.
Jez! Jez, I love you!
Unable to pass up the chance to meet his idol,
he heads over to show his appreciation.
Just touch me, Jeremy, man.
Jeremy! Jez, I love you, man.
Listen, I think you should be the leader, but if you're not,
do I get my £3 back?
Come on, mate! Come on! Jez, we can! Jez, we can!
He touched me.
He touched me. I'm never going to wash my hands again.
Oh, fuck off.
It's accused of generating revenue,
funnelling the profits to offshore accounts.
We will force people like Starbucks, Vodafone, Amazon and Google,
and all the others, to pay their share of taxes.
HMRC has got to get a grip and can take action straight away.
These days there's a VR simulation for everything, but what possible
simulation would you give to a guy that's seen it all?
You know the dude. Billionaire, CEO of a tech company, like Google, Apple,
or, I don't know, Facebook?
Introducing virtual reality tax simulator.
Some CEOs have literally never experienced the joy of paying tax until now.
Here at Off Shore Studios, we're working on an exciting new project
and we need your funding to help finish it off.
Taxpayer simulator is the ultimate virtual representation of what it
feels like to fill in a tax return.
Yeah, it can all be a bit intense for the non-taxpayer,
which is why we've included three difficulty levels.
It really makes you feel like you're giving away 20% of your profits on the spot.
This can't be right. You're taking 20%?
How am I supposed to live on this?
One of the things I'm most proud of is the calling the tax office scenario.
It really captures the tedium and frustration.
-Thank you for calling HMRC.
Your call is in a queue and will be answered in three hours.
Paying tax shouldn't just be for the little people.
Help us to create a truly taxing experience for the 1%.
Like Eric Schmidt, former CEO of Google.
Hello, Mr Schmidt, I'd just like to show you
this incredible virtual reality system
which shows you what it's like to pay your fair share of tax.
Would you like to try it?
-Thank you very much.
-It gives you an amazing user experience
which allows you to see what it's like to just contribute
like everybody else does and not just avoid millions of pounds.
Give it a go?
Hey. I'm Duckface and I'm an instant celebrity and I'm all about raising
awareness about totes important issues using social media.
Let's change the planet one hashtag at a time, babes.
Kara was, like, telling me about this woman Princess Di
who lived, like, a million years ago before the internet or whatever,
and she totally hated these things called land mines
which would totally blow your leg off
so you can't even have a wax or get into designer jeans or whatever.
-CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
Babes, if Princess Di was around, she couldn't stand it.
I can't stand it. And, babes, the victims of land mines,
they genuinely can't even stand.
Let's start a campaign!
Hashtag "hopping mad" against land mines.
Oh, my God. Too much.
HEAVY DANCE MUSIC
-What do you know about the land mines?
We're going to tweet our way to the end of land mines.
So use the hashtag "hopping" for man...
For land mines! For land mines!
-They kill people.
-Hopping mad for land mines.
Crazy challenge. Oh, my God!
Hopping mad for land mines hashtag.
Oh, my God, it's so crazy!
I love him, Look at him, he's just too cute in real life.
-I love him.
-By raising awareness with hashtags.
Can someone fucking hold this for me, please?
-Hashtag "hopping for..."
-The children getting their legs get blown off.
I'm not having it, OK? Princess Di wanted it done.
-And so does Kara.
-That sounds crazy.
Take the land mines, you dirty little bitch.
You're not going to be blowing off people's legs any more
and keeping them out of their designer Gucci leggings.
Keep retweeting, guys, keep snapping, Periscoping, whatever.
'Please stay on the line. We'll be with you shortly.'
VOICEOVER: A true story about a man on hold.
-What's wrong, hun?
I've been on hold for ages.
It'll be OK.
You'll get through soon.
'Would you like to skip the queue
'and talk to a customer service agent for just 50p?'
What? No way!
For God's sake, come on!
'All of our customer service representatives are busy.'
At least your voice is nice.
A man disconnected from life connects with true love.
-You want me to hold you?
I'll hold you.
A story about what happens when you are stuck on the line
with the UK's most complained-about telecoms service provider.
I just love that you're also into classical music.
Press one. You're hilarious!
EE, I love you!
What's wrong with you?
I'm in love and I can't explain it.
She listens to me and she says I'm important to her,
like, all the time,
and she apologises when she keeps me waiting.
EE, I love you!
It's an automated phone service!
Don't you dare call her that!
I wish I could feel you.
I wish I could touch you.
'Hello. You're through to EE.
'Graham speaking. How can I help you?'
-Who are you?!
-What have you done with her?
'Welcome to EE customer services.
-'Your call is in a queue.'
Coming to cinemas for a very, very long time.
You, you stop it.
REPORTER: They were arrested in Istanbul on suspicion
of attempting to join the terror group Islamic State.
..What we now call radicalisation,
but if we want to think of it in terms of, like,
traditionally what we understand, it's a form of grooming.
I don't think a lot of them are getting brainwashed in the mosques.
I think it's mainly online.
It's very, very sophisticated social media marketing machinery
-targeting women specifically.
-They just see a few videos
and they just jump to conclusions as to what's happening over there.
VOICEOVER: Coming up this season on The Real Housewives Of Isis...
It's only three days till the beheading
and I've got no idea what I'm going to wear.
Abdul seduced me online.
He had me at "free health care".
So this is my sixth marriage.
I've been widowed five times.
I'm so glad I've moved over here.
It's everything those guys on the chatrooms told me it would be.
And it's full of so many wonderful surprises.
I didn't have to do this in Birmingham!
-Are you ready, girls?
Hang on, I'm recording it for Instagram.
What do you think?
Ahmed surprised me with it yesterday.
Hashtag "OMG", hashtag "Jihadi Jane",
hashtag "death to the West", Isis emojis.
Oh, babes, I love it.
You look gorgeous.
She looked massive.
You're going to need a lot of Semtex to kill that one.
What do you think of this?
'What a complete bitch!
'She knew I had that jacket.'
Copies everything. Copied this.
Oh, my God, it was so cringe.
It's times like this I wish I'd never moved out here.
-Coming up next week...
-He won't stop talking about his 40 virgins.
Why can't he be happy with me?
Ali bought me a new chain which is 8-foot long.
So I can almost get outside, which is great.
The Conservative Party has begun a new era and the Prime Minister,
Theresa May, has created a new Cabinet,
bringing lesser-known faces to the fore.
In this film, we follow James Twottington-Burbage,
who after falling out of favour with the former Prime Minister...
I just wanted to give you this Bullingdon album.
-Thank you very much.
-Would you give me a sign of it?
..now finds himself one of the key players
in shaping Theresa May's Britain.
Britain is in the throes of a housing crisis.
In the London borough of Barnet,
the Conservative-run council's controversial regeneration
of the West Hendon estate has come under fire.
I'm James Twottington-Burbage.
I'm from the Conservative government.
And James has been sent to make sure everything is going to plan.
I was just wondering, do you think this place is south-facing?
The estate, which has 680 council flats,
is to be knocked down to make way for a new complex
of 1,500 luxury flats,
an act that has been described as social cleansing.
The thing is, I'm trying to knock this shit down
-so we can build some nice, new condominiums here.
Many Hendon residents,
some of whom have lived in the estate all their lives,
are facing eviction and being moved away
from their family and loved ones.
All you need to do, really, is gather up your things,
put them in a car and just drive off, really.
-Couldn't you do that?
-You think that's easy?
You can't have that much in there, can you?
I mean, Jesus, come on.
And you just get your stuff and go.
We'd have to get rid of this scum first but after that,
just nice middle-class people.
I think that's really out of... What party are you?
-I'm from the Conservative Party.
-Everyone here works.
You work. A man works.
He earns 1,500 a month.
His missus earns 1,500 a month.
That's three grand. That's not even touching the deposit on that.
You need a 20 grand deposit on that
and that's just 5% for a 500 grand flat. Who's got £20,000?
So what you're then doing is you're then forcing someone
out of the community that still works,
still provides for the community,
just so someone else can come in with more money.
The rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
Lower it down, lower it down. Yeah, that's... No.
On that level, that'll be where the cocktail terrace is. Yeah, just there.
It doesn't belong to you lot.
Of course it belongs to us,
that's what happens when you win an election.
No. You're elected to manage it, not to sell it.
-You're probably not happy with your life.
-I'm extremely happy.
Have you got 500 grand?
Mate, I've got a couple of million to spend, to be honest.
That's all right, then, innit?
You looked like a wanker, you know what I mean?
Come on, man, look, I grew up on an estate as well,
just a different kind of estate.
More butlers, less cholera.
That's what I mean. You look like a wanker,
-so why are you here?
-Well, I'm just here to talk to people
about potentially moving out.
-Somewhere like Grimsby.
He's taking the piss. I'll smash you up.
I think you're really out of order.
I think you're rude and I think you should just go suck yourself
and fuck off. My mum has lived here for 25 years.
-She works hard.
-What have you ever done for this country?
Did more work before you was even a twinkle in your daddy's eye.
-The best part of you ran down your dad's inside leg.
If you work for the Conservatives,
thank God I didn't vote for you because you're arseholes.
Don't worry, we'll be running things for a long time to come, mate.
Hmm, let's wait till 2020.
G4S finally lost its contract to run this centre.
Inspectors had found staff high on drugs
and children suffering racist and degrading treatment.
Any little thing, they would...
-put you on the floor.
-Any excuse to put their hands on you,
they'll put their hands on you.
-G4S, the first in custodial facilities,
the first in security.
And now the first in childcare.
The Koala Clubhouse is a state-of-the-art,
consisting of 140 cells, 200 inmates and over 800 highly trained staff.
If anyone runs round next time, drop-kick 'em.
I'm Gavin Shrew, chief operating officer at the Koala Clubhouse.
Our tiny inmates are sent here for various offences,
such as bedwetting and temper tantrums,
and it's our job to forcibly drag them along the right path.
All right. Welcome to nappy-changing class.
Our highly trained staff are prepared for any eventuality.
Put the arms down, get the nappy off, rip it off, put it in the bin!
We believe care, affection and love are the common mistakes parents make
when rearing human children. Discipline,
stoicism and structure are the three cornerstones of Koala Clubhouse.
And now a dedicated team of counsellors...
-..help to prepare all our inmates
for life on the outside.
-Quick, get him!
Get him before he gets to the woods!
A range of our activities,
overseen by our team of childcare professionals,
are designed to enforce your child's personal growth.
The G4S Koala Clubhouse is the most effective infant holding facility
-in the UK.
-(Buenas noches, los ninos.)
G4s creche - secure your child's place today.
REPORTER: In July, Southern scrapped 341 services a day.
I'm sick and tired of having to waste hours
in the mornings and the evenings.
-Passengers increasingly used to overcrowded trains
now face the likelihood of fare increases
much higher than in the past.
Something will need to change soon.
There is nothing more pleasurable to the British sensibility
than the wait. We could wait for hours, and we do, regularly.
Nothing is more quintessentially British
than waiting for the train to come. Has it been cancelled, delayed,
diverted or usurped by the charming rail-replacement bus service?
The architecture in here is simply divine.
You can feel a certain Victorian grandiosity
and Elizabethan splendour mixed with the very modern sight
of a turd bobbing around in the bowl.
Such very British styles.
Nothing is more quintessentially British on the train
than the timeless words, "Can you move?
"Can you please move?
"Can you move, please?
"Your elbow's in my face."
As if a delayed journeys on a packed train wasn't British enough,
some rail companies have looked to profit from our misery.
Ladies and gentlemen, apologies on behalf of Southern for the strikes and delays today.
I am offering Rubik's cubes.
Anything for you, madam? Would you like to learn Spanish?
You'll probably have time before the next station.
No, I'm all right with my newspaper, thank you.
OK, well, that's not going to last you, trust me.
Were you clean-shaven before you started?
If you'd like to stare at this picture of an Indian train
with people on the roof to make you feel a bit better about the commute.
It's only 5.99, subsidised by the British taxpayers.
How much was your season ticket?
Oh, that's reasonable, isn't it? Diazepam?
Morphine, madam? Or co-codamol?
I have a euthanasia kit, a DIY one, sir.
Would you like it, in case once you get to Haywards Heath
there's a seven-hour delay? One for you, sir.
Complimentary. I can see you're close to the edge.
And how about you, sir? Would you like anything?
Toothbrush? I've got meditation courses, leaflets on mindfulness.
No, that's the one thing we can't reduce.
Apologies for the delay.
I can't say they're not going to happen again.
Try not to take it out on your family when you get home.
We've got a runner.
MUSIC: Great Escape Theme
HE MOUTHS SILENTLY
All right, mate!
He's got those Haribos, mate!
Dennis Pound is on the streets of Loughton crowdsourcing new policies for Ukip, while Dale Maily braves a festival of hippies. At the Durham Miners Gala, Corbynite Robyn meets his idol Jeremy Corbyn. Instacelebrity and slacktavist Duckface starts a social media campaign, Southern Trains have some new ways to ease the commute, and a new innovation gives billionaires an opportunity to experience paying tax.