Episode 6 Room 101 - Extra Storage

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests vie to cast their biggest bugbears

deep into the gloomy vault.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are comedian Adam Hills,

broadcaster Gyles Brandreth and pop superstar Melanie C.

CHEERING

So, can we have our first category?

What kind of people wind up Gyles?

LAUGHTER

The electorate.

-Yes.

-The people who vote.

I should say, that is a shot of our audience here tonight.

But they are the electorate. There's no getting round that.

I used to be a Member of Parliament, until the people spoke.

LAUGHTER

-Where were you MP for?

-The city of Chester.

-Beautiful part of the world.

-Yes, of course.

And many of them were nice people. This is just an act of revenge...

-Yes.

-..on my part. I knew I had contempt for my constituents,

but it just came as a bit of a shock to the system

to find the feeling was entirely mutual.

So I lost my seat. That's the point.

I lost my seat at the General Election, and I thought,

"Well, they can do that to me." Here's my chance, Frank.

Thanks to you, I can do the same to them.

-I'm now voting for you to go down the plughole.

-Fair enough.

So your political policy right now is,

"If you don't vote for me, I lock you in a room."

We have a picture of you in your politician days.

-LAUGHTER

-Ah, yes. Yeah.

I don't know if you were just about to jump.

John Major became the leader of my party.

That's when, overnight, I began to go grey.

William Hague became the leader of my party.

Again, to show my loyalty, overnight, I began to go bald.

I was only grateful that Ann Widdecombe did not succeed.

During the General Election, in fact, my darling wife came back

to our house one day. I'd been out canvassing, campaigning,

and I found a 'for sale' notice outside our house.

I said, "What have you done?" She said, "I've put our house up for sale."

I said, "In the constituency? I'm running for election."

-She said, "Yes, I know, but I've seen the way the wind is blowing."

-Blimey!

There's no vapid optimism with my wife, I can tell you.

As my wife says to me, "Gyles, when one door closes, it's shut."

LAUGHTER

Well, we have a clip of Iain Duncan Smith listening to

the voice of the people in Liverpool.

How's it feel to be a complete non-entity, Mr Duncan Smith?

Scum of the earth!

And you've got cheap shoes!

LAUGHTER

Actually, all MPs of all parties, in my experience,

almost all of them, it's a vocation.

They do it because they want to make the world

-a better place, in small ways...

-Is that true, Gyles?

It really is true, because, er, I mean, all right,

maybe the expenses are marvellous,

but the wages aren't that marvellous.

-The expenses aren't what they used to be.

-They aren't.

I want you to know, though... May I say something?

May I say something, Frank? I was a respectable Member of Parliament.

I dug my own moat.

LAUGHTER

That was just to keep the electorate away.

Now, this is what I suspect politicians think of each other.

This is a Ukrainian MP called Rehawhi Suakis,

and he's talking to another politician,

and just watch what he does.

-Oh!

-LAUGHTER

OK, so what kind of people wind up Adam?

People who predict what's going to happen next in a movie.

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Eugh!

Oh! See? I've got the electorate now!

LAUGHTER

Do you know what I mean? Like, I love movies.

I love watching a movie and I love losing myself in the movie,

to the point where everything else just disappears

and I'm fully engaged in the story.

And, for me, someone's written it, someone's directed it,

someone's's shot it in just a way that it's building up

to a moment that catches you unaware,

and to have the person next to you

suddenly lean over and go, "I know what's going to happen next."

No! I don't care!

And, basically, this is the person saying,

"I'm smarter than whoever wrote the movie."

Yeah, see, I find films are a bit too long. Nowadays.

So, if someone says to me, "I think that's the murderer,"

I think, "You know, I'll take that as an ending."

LAUGHTER

"Shall we leave it there? Let's have a pizza. That'll do."

But I mean, your experience of The Sixth Sense

would be totally different to everybody else's.

You would think it was just a nice story about a kindly psychiatrist.

Yeah?! But that's all right. I've got my own little ending.

LAUGHTER

I mean, I like people having a guess.

I can't bear the idea of going to the cinema with either of you two,

though, because you're chatting through the film!

I can't bear it when people talk! Even whispering! Why do you allow

-your friend to whisper anything?

-I completely agree!

"There's a rule here! We don't talk when we're in here!

"Pretend we're married! We're not going to speak!"

LAUGHTER

What about at home when you're watching a video at home?

Oh, it's not allowed! It's not allowed!

If it's a worthwhile experience,

we close the blinds, we close the curtains,

and my children, now my grandchildren,

they sell tickets.

And they serve the popcorn. It becomes like a proper experience.

-I can't bear people chatting.

-I completely agree!

And the other annoying thing is

people who laugh uproariously when it isn't funny.

You know, I quite like those people. LAUGHTER

Yeah, I built a career on those people.

I don't think I'd ever thought I'd say this,

but I want to go to every movie with you from now on.

You sound like the ideal person to watch a movie with.

Well, do you know, there's a touch

of the Tommy Two Ways about me. I think we could get on quite well.

LAUGHTER

Is this...? Is this the normal friend you go with?

I'm going to... I'm going to need an Australian-English translator.

LAUGHTER

I was just confused by the little plasticine model, um,

of these two lovely young Australian boys.

-Um...

-LAUGHTER

-They're based on me.

-Oh, I'm so sorry!

APPLAUSE

I take that as an enormous compliment!

But you don't get it in comedy. No-one would sit in a comedy club

and tell you, you know, you don't hear people

whispering how they think the punch line's going to end up.

I find if people go to tell you I joke,

and you say, "Oh, I know this one,

"it's blah-blah-blah," they'll still tell it.

I remember hearing a joke, and you may know this, of prisoners,

there are prisoners in a jail and a new guy comes in

and everything goes quiet, they're not allowed to talk after dark,

and someone just yells a number, and then everyone starts laughing,

then someone else yells a number, and everyone laughs.

He turns to his cell-mate and says, "What's going on?"

"We're not allowed to tell jokes, so we've memorised them

"and we just yell numbers out

"and everyone knows what the joke is."

And the guy went, "Can I have a go?" "Yeah, have a go!"

"72!" and gets nothing.

He looks at the cell-mate and goes, "What happened?"

And he went, "It's the way you told it."

LAUGHTER

Now, someone once started telling me that joke

and I was like, "Oh, I know it," and then, I thought, "No, don't...

"Don't interrupt, it might not end the way you think it'll end."

And he said the joke and he went, "Right, 72!"

And the cell-mates just lost their minds and were applauding,

they're stamping, and he turns to his cell-mate and says,

"Why are they laughing so hard at that one?" He went,

"They've never heard that one before!"

LAUGHTER

Now, if I had interrupted that guy,

I wouldn't have got the extra punch line.

Good lesson, and also, I'm really happy to hear that

Australians are still telling prison jokes.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Er, what kind of people wind up Melanie C?

SHE LAUGHS

Aw...

People who think I'm deaf.

-Hmm.

-It's a strange one!

-LAUGHTER

Very frequently, people will pass me in the street and point at me

-and go, "Oh, my God, it's Melanie C!"

-Yeah.

From this far away?

-But I can hear you!

-Yes. Yeah, I get that.

-Yeah!

-Yeah! I get, "Frankie!"

LAUGHTER

Which was very difficult when I was on the witness protection programme.

But there's lots of weird things that people do, you know,

when they recognise you, or think they recognise you.

Walking behind you and then they kind of pick up the pace

and they leave their mates behind

and they'll walk forward and go, "Oh...

-"I forgot something," and then they turn round, just to check...

-Oh!

-..and go like that to their mate...

-SHE MOUTHS:

-Yes!

-Wow!

-That's a clever one!

-Yeah!

-So they're not saying it to you, just, as they walk past you...

-Yeah.

..they kind of go, "Oh, Melanie C!" really loudly?

But I also get a lot of, "Mel B!"

Ooh! LAUGHTER

Another favourite is,

when you're just like sitting with a friend, and having a bit of food,

and you just see this, you know, and then a little click.

But I do quite like the secret photo as a genre.

We've got a few secretly taken photos of celebrities.

This is Bradley Walsh.

You see him, in the background there in a baseball cap?

LAUGHTER

And, my own particular favourite, Warwick Davis.

-Right? Now...

-Where is he?

He's in the shop looking at magazines, I think they said.

Here he is.

That's him. LAUGHTER

But they're not... People take them...

It was so big, the Spice Girls, that nothing you do is ever going to be...

No-one's going to shout,

"Oi! Congratulations on your musical theatre career!"

It's just not going to happen, is it?

-You know, you're a victim of your own success.

-Yeah.

And I'm actually really lucky, because I've never had

anything negative, the public have been nothing but lovely to me.

Well, stick around. LAUGHTER

You have continued, though.

It's not like the Spice Girls is way in your past.

Every now and again, you sort of revive them a bit.

-You did the musical...

-Yeah.

-..which I went to.

I'm not saying this cos you're here, I really liked it.

-I know, me too!

-I don't know why that went down.

-I know!

But you did the press launch for that.

We've got pictures of you at the press launch.

I'm not sure that Victoria totally joined in.

You all look so smiley and happy.

-I know!

-And she looks great, then another picture...

-Maybe she knew something we didn't.

-Maybe.

But look, that's exactly the same! LAUGHTER

Look at this picture.

LAUGHTER

She's starting to tire at that stage!

SHE GIGGLES

You don't want to end up like Ringo Starr.

Ringo Starr got very angry about signing autographs

and he put this on his website.

This is a serious message

to everybody watching my update right now.

-Peace and love. Peace and love!

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I want to tell you, please, after the 20th of October,

do not send fan mail to any address that you have.

Nothing will be signed after the 20th of October.

If that has a date on the envelope, it's going to be tossed.

I'm warning you, with peace and love, I have too much to do.

So no more fan mail. Thank you. Thank you.

LAUGHTER

I like "I'm warning you with peace and love!"

And also, Ringo Starr has too much to do?!

LAUGHTER

How did that happen?!

Well, he's got his anger management classes to go to, hasn't he?

I mean, also, he's got a little camcorder there, hasn't he?

He sat in a corner and done it on...

It's not like he's got a film crew in to make it like he could afford it.

-It's this angry old Scouser!

-Yeah!

This thing about people thinking you're deaf, though, I think

the worst thing is when the fans seem like they might be deaf.

This is a fan of Mariah Carey

who I think is having problems with her hearing.

TO THE TUNE OF "Without You":

-LAUGHTER

-Brilliant! That is brilliant!

OK, so, look, you argue very well, all three of you.

I don't think I can put people who think you're deaf, because...

I know, I know I wasn't going to win that one,

-but I would quite like this doll, though.

-OK.

You're telling me you don't have a Sporty Spice doll?

I've got a houseful!

LAUGHTER

But you're not getting it, because I think it's just excitement.

-People are so excited to see you, they forget themselves.

-OK.

People who predict the end of the film I think are doing me a favour,

because I just don't want to hang around that long.

The electorate just make one terrible mistake after the next,

so I'm going to put the electorate into Room 101.

Well done!

APPLAUSE

OK, next category, please.

It's modern life! What doesn't Gyles like about modern life?

-Passwords!

-Oh!

I've been exploring who gets to be happy, how and why,

looking for the seven secrets of happiness, and one of them

is to take change on board, not to resist change.

You've got to cope with a changing world if you want to be happy,

but I have to tell you, there's one thing

I really am finding it difficult to cope with, and that is passwords.

I do not want to learn another frigging password!

CHEERING

-I have a list here of the most popular passwords in the UK.

-Ah!

Um, the most popular one, apparently, is your first name,

whatever that is, with the number 1 after it.

WOMAN CACKLES Someone recognised that!

LAUGHTER

I love the fact that it's not just the first name,

that people have put 1 over it, thinking, "That'll fool 'em!"

LAUGHTER

The third most popular, apparently, is "monkey"!

Why is that?! LAUGHTER

What's number two? Why have you avoided that?

-Well...

-Is that yours? Yours is number two?

It is actually mine!

It's "password1"!

LAUGHTER

-That's annoying.

-My wife, being a remarkable woman...

FRANK LAUGHS

..and having everything beautifully organised,

she has insisted on different passwords for everything.

She won't have universal passwords,

so even if we came up with quite a complicated password, that won't do.

So she has memorised dozens of these passwords

and I now have no access to anything!

-LAUGHTER

-We actually discuss this

-at the Relate meetings most weeks!

-LAUGHTER

I just... You know when they send you a password,

or a PIN number as an example, I just keep that.

-But then, they know it as well, then! They know it!

-I don't mind.

I'm the sort of person, if I buy a wallet

and it's got a picture of a person in, I just keep that in.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, what does Adam Hills not like about modern life?

BOX CRACKS

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE MELANIE:

-Hey!

-Looks fine!

-Yeah! Yup!

What I don't like about modern life -

naming rights on public stadiums.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Woo!

-Wow!

Ooh!

And especially... I mean, I love being in Britain

and I love going to sporting events

and I love places like Old Trafford and Edgbaston, Lords and The Oval!

I love those names and it's happened in Australia a lot,

and it's starting to happen here, as well, where... I mean,

there's the O2 - I get that - and there's Emirates Stadium,

but then, I mean, Newcastle had Sports Direct Stadium!

And just...

It just makes the stadiums sound like they've got loose morals.

You mock people when they name their children after brand names.

-Do you?

-Oh, God, do you not(?)

-LAUGHTER

I mean, you see people with children called Armani.

And, honestly, in the last count in America,

there are seven children named Del Monte!

LAUGHTER

I bet they're very positive people.

The New Zealand government this year had to issue a list of names

that you're not allowed to call your children.

-Oh, right.

-Because of the names that people were using.

-Hmm.

There was a Full Stop.

There was the number 89.

If you don't do it to a child, don't do it to a stadium.

-That's my rule.

-LAUGHTER

That's a great motto for life!

And yet, I understand the benefits of it.

I understand that it's, you know, a lot of cash goes to the club,

because there's naming rights and sponsorship,

but for me, venues that have been around for ages

have a certain history and character to them

and as soon as you whack on a big McDonald's over the top of it

it just makes it feel a bit cheaper for me.

We have some examples.

Wincham Park was the home of Witton Albion

and in August 2000 it changed its name

to the Bargain Booze Stadium.

LAUGHTER

Oh!

York City played at Bootham Crescent,

-which was renamed KitKat Crescent...

-Ah!

-..in 2005,

-owing to a sponsorship deal with Nestle.

-Yeah.

And they said if they won a trophy

it would be paraded round town in a Double Decker.

LAUGHTER

I'd like to be sponsored by something!

Rather a fun idea!

-Yes!

-Yeah, what would I choose? To be a sort of old Milky Bar kid?

LAUGHTER

We should all be sponsored. Who would you be sponsored by?

I suppose these days I should be sponsored by Old Spice.

What a lovely idea!

OK, what does Melanie C not like about modern life?

Ooh.

The overwhelming choice of toothpastes on the market.

-There are a lot.

-I've got a little list in my pocket.

This is just one brand.

-I mean, I'm happy with there being lots of brands.

-Mmm.

But this is just one brand. They offer lots of different things.

Whitening, cavity protection, advanced, advanced whitening,

advanced freshening, sensitive, fresh breath, antibacterial,

we have another whitening, which is for sensitive teeth.

Then they have gum health. And I just think,

"But I want all of those things."

So why isn't there just one toothpaste that does everything?

We should say before, you did do a campaign,

-did you not? For...

-I did. I'd forgotten! Yeah.

Well, I thought, I don't want anyone thinking

"She's just advertising her toothpaste."

We'll be upfront about it. You did the Keep Britain Smiling...

-I did, yeah.

-..campaign.

-It was a lovely campaign actually.

-It was for Barnardo's, which is a wonderful charity.

-Yes.

-And, yeah, it was earlier this year.

-And who was the company?

-It was Colgate.

-Colgate, yes.

Which I always think sounds like a scandal about pit closures.

Well, actually, they're the biggest culprits in this crime.

Yes, they are, because they have Colgate Total Advanced -

-which sounds like it's got everything...

-Mm-hm.

-Colgate Total Advanced Whitening...

-Mm-hm.

-..Colgate Total Advanced Freshening...

-Mm-hm.

..and Colgate Total Advanced Clean.

LAUGHTER

Oh, clean! Yes, I'd like that for my teeth.

Maybe I'll choose that one. I met Bon Jovi.

You know, Jon Bon Jovi. His teeth, they don't look like teeth any more.

They go too perfect, don't they?

They were too... They didn't even have any of the little...

They just looked like...

Isn't that what children put on sore gums, Bon Jovi?

Yes, and it worked!

It worked absolutely, I must say.

My girlfriend is the only... You know when people joke about

leaving the top off the toothpaste as the ultimate sort of laziness?

She does that, and she'll do it with those ones,

not the screw off ones, but the ones that just flip!

So all you have to do is that to put it back on!

-You sure she's a girl?

-Definitely!

-Cos that's very bloke-ish behaviour!

I haven't looked for a while, but I'm fairly confident!

LAUGHTER

-Do you ever use floss?

-Oh, I hate flossing.

I'd quite happily put floss into Room 101,

but as you get older, you tend to need to more, don't you?

-Yeah, I find...

-So I've been told.

LAUGHTER I find my teeth will hold,

well, a good two-thirds of a meal for two hours.

I've got a good little trick, though.

When you're out, especially if you're on a date,

and it's someone you don't know very well and you're trying to impress,

but you're cracking on a bit, and, erm, the teeth are

storing food for later, just use your knife

when they're not looking, to check.

Oh, to see. Not...

LAUGHTER

To check.

Do a little, yeah, spinach check. As long as you've got a shiny knife

and you've not been taken to McDonald's.

-Oh, yes, if it's plastic, a white plastic fork...

-Yeah!

That's the one time we went out, do you remember?

Aw, dear!

Yeah, you need to remember it's a plastic fork,

otherwise you're going, "My teeth look amazing!"

My brother used to use a thing called Gordon Moores toothpaste.

-Do you remember that, Gyles?

-No! Gordon Moores?

It was red toothpaste.

You can't get it any more, but there is a French version,

so it comes out like this.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

In fact, I find that I use white toothpaste,

but when I spit it out, it's this colour.

Do you know...?

This is the one I tend to use. This is Aquafresh.

Look at that, that's multi...

-multicoloured.

-Yeah, I love that.

-Yeah.

Now, there could be a branding opportunity in this, I think,

because if you're going to take this as your colour scheme,

wouldn't this be a really good logo?

Look at that. It's perfect.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yes, and that would ensure your teeth were REALLY white.

Anyway, we've come to the end of the modern life round,

and I must say I like the password thing.

I think if there were more passwords, it would be a better world,

just to keep people out of everything, and it's inventive, and

it's good for the mind as you get older to have things to remember.

The toothpaste thing, I think it's just good to have variety.

-It's just a con! It's a marketing con.

-Yeah, but I don't mind that.

LAUGHTER

-Can I just do that now?

-Oh, my God!

And some of the renaming of stadiums is so tasteless and so awful

that I am going to put naming rights on stadiums into Room 101.

CHEERING

Next category, please.

OK, it's the audience choice,

and we have Alex Hatenstone in the audience.

-Alex?

-Hi!

-Hello, hello.

What would you like to put into Room 101?

Erm, I want to put into Room 101 people who tell you to cheer up.

Oh, yes... Oh! APPLAUSE

Does that happen to you a lot?

Yeah, it happens a lot,

often when I'm just walking down the street, just sort of...

I'm not even unhappy or anything,

I think I've just got a mouth

that naturally points down if I'm not smiling.

How do you respond?

I just sort of give them evils, or, like,

give them sort of a weird look.

Um, because normally I don't feel like I need to cheer up

until they've actually told me I need to, and then I think

"Oh, no, I'm really paranoid."

There's actually quite a lot of miserable things in the world,

and then you start sort of reflecting on it,

and then you think, "Well, maybe I do need to cheer up now."

Maybe you should come back with, "Do something to cheer me up."

-Exactly, that is...

-No, don't do that.

LAUGHTER

Have you considered a smog mask?

-A what?

-You know people wear smog masks,

-and then no-one will...

-Oh, that's a really good idea actually.

No, but I might in future.

Better - wear a smog mask like this one.

LAUGHTER

-MEL C:

-Creepy!

APPLAUSE

I think it's a terrible error to say that to someone.

It could go horribly wrong. So, you know what?

Alex, I am going to put people who tell you to cheer up into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Right, let's have our next category.

OK, it's the wild card, which means there are no limitations.

ANYTHING you don't like, you can choose.

So what is Adam's wild card?

-Oh, my...

-Abs.

There's just so much pressure on...

There's fit and there's... I just can't do that.

When was it important for people to have really finely honed abs?

Like, all the sex symbols from the '70s, they didn't have abs.

Paul Newman and Robert Redford, they didn't have abs.

As opposed to Bruce Springsteen, who was photographed on holiday,

at the age of, 62 with abs that no man should have.

-Wow, he looks amazing!

-No, he doesn't, that's not right!

LAUGHTER

I was on a beach in Jamaica not long ago,

and this little wizened old lady, nut-brown,

came teetering along the beach towards me,

and it wasn't till she got just here,

that I realised it was Mick Jagger.

Isn't it good that people look all ripped and...?

I'm happy to look good, but there's something about

Bruce Springsteen, I think, tipped it for me,

because he was the champion of the working class.

He was always the, you know, "Everything's gone wrong

"and life's tough", and he's just one of the guys at the mill,

and now - you don't get abs like that

unless you've got someone helping you.

-You don't get abs like that from just...

-Excuse me.

-What?

-He has done it all himself. He looks magnificent.

-No!

Unlike you, you disgusting...

LAUGHTER

-Oh, my God.

-..revolting!

When did you pose for this?

Was this you again, Frank?

Yes, I overdid it on the sun bed.

Do you know Darryn Lyons? Are you familiar with Darryn Lyons?

-Yes, yes.

-He was on Celebrity Big Brother, and he had...

-Oh, yes, yes, yes!

-He had work done to give himself a six-pack.

-Yeah.

He didn't bother to lose weight,

he just had the six-pack sort of put on the top. This is Darryn.

-AUDIENCE GROAN

-Oh, no.

-Is that true, then? Are they implants?

-I believe...

-Is that fact?

I believe that they're a sort of liposuction method,

although you can get the same look

just by lying face-downwards on one of these.

I never really thought about the abs thing.

I think people just look after themselves,

and then I saw the picture of Craig David. Did you see this picture?

-He took a selfie of himself.

-Oh, dear.

AUDIENCE: Ohh...

-No.

-Now, that...

-That's not a selfie, Frank.

A selfie, you have to have an arm in shot

cos you're taking it yourself. What's he taking it with?

Well, that's a good question.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, I tell you what, when I first saw it, I stared at it a bit,

because I was taken aback, and then...

You see, what worries me is he's not as symmetrical as I thought he'd be.

The top bit...

Is it just me, or does that look like a duck eating a burger?

I'll see if I can help you with this.

MEL LAUGHS LOUDLY

If you put me in the screen with Craig now.

APPLAUSE

OK, what is Melanie's wild card?

£2 coins.

Oh...

The main reason being,

I believe that these were introduced in 1998,

and I spent most of that year on tour with the Spice Girls

and out of the country.

And when I came home they just appeared,

I didn't know anything about them.

Basically it was all done behind my back and I'm not happy about it.

The other thing that bothers me

is that it's the only coin we've got which is two colours of metal.

It just doesn't make sense to me.

The two-tone thing, I think they've nicked that idea from Arctic roll.

I reckon if I went into a chip shop at, say,

one o'clock in the morning,

I could pass that off as a £2 coin.

LAUGHTER

Did you know that Oasis got the name of one of their albums

-from the writing on a £2 coin?

-No, I didn't.

-Yeah, if you look...

I'm not making this up, this is... If you can see this.

It says, look, Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants.

And this one, you might have all seen.

-They've all got different phrases on the side?

-Yes.

And all inspire Oasis.

Look, there's Live At Knebworth.

LAUGHTER

I made that one up.

But I've taken against the £2 coin, it doesn't feel like a proper coin,

for some reason it's not like the others.

But I think this is one of the worst pieces of currency

I think I've ever seen.

This is the Melanie C one dollar note.

-What is that?!

-Have you not seen one of these before?

-No, what is it?

-Well, it's available on the internet.

-Is it?

-It is.

I don't know who you think you are(!)

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, let's have a look at Gyles's wild card.

Acceptance speeches at awards ceremonies.

APPLAUSE

I just can't stand it. I can't stand it.

These narcissistic individuals getting up...

Don't they realise everybody in the room is resenting them, hating them,

loathing them, because everybody else wanted to win and they've won?

And they go up, and they then, instead of taking it modestly,

saying thank you and slipping back to their seat, they blather on,

weeping, thanking their late relatives, mentioning their agent,

their mother, their grandmother - you, if they know you vaguely.

It's just not on.

-I mean, is this supposed to be you?

-They're all me.

They're all you, exactly.

As I said, narcissistic individuals...

LAUGHTER

I just can't bear it.

It just gets in the way of everything.

Can I ask though, Gyles, if you won an award and you went up to get it,

are you telling me that YOU wouldn't make a speech?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So what's the alternative? What do you think people should do

when they win an award?

I... Not grand ceremonies, but I often host award ceremonies

and the last one I did was for the British Funeral Directors Awards.

Quite a big gig in my calendar.

The main prize was for thinking outside the box.

LAUGHTER

And basically I say to people, you know, take the prize,

just stand there for a moment, look happy, but modest.

Hold it. Maybe say thank you, and then go back.

There is rather a fabulous Oscar awards acceptance speech.

This is Sally Field receiving a second Oscar.

I owe a lot to my family

for holding me together and loving me

and having patience with this obsession of me.

But I want to say thank you to you.

I haven't had an orthodox career

and I wanted more than anything to have your respect.

The first time I didn't feel it, but this time I feel it

and I can't deny the fact that you like me -

right now, you like me!

But they do seem to like her...

We loathe her! We loathe her!

I like Sally Field. She's lovely.

Of course you do, but not making that speech,

not that nauseating speech.

But she was being very honest, wasn't she?

She was taken up with emotion and it was...

You know, it was a bit cringey, but she really felt it.

When you win awards you're not like that, you're natural,

you're fresh, you don't shine.

I don't win awards!

I tell you what I liked about it,

is that she sort of gave them a bad review

for their response last time.

Yeah, cos she said last time I wasn't sure that you liked me,

-but this time, well done, you've got there.

-Completely wrong.

They may have respected her performance in the film,

they don't like her. Couldn't like a woman like that.

You couldn't.

On the subject of speeches, this a speech...

This is welcoming the freshmen to Georgia Tech.

This kind of speech I would watch every day of the week.

In the words of Sir Isaac Newton, "If I have seen further,

"it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."

Georgia Tech is proud of its many traditions

but the one I find most exciting is...

MUSIC: "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Strauss

..our tradition of excellence.

Our mission as students

is not to follow in the footsteps of the astronauts,

Nobel Prize laureates and presidents who graduate before us,

but to exceed their footsteps,

crush the shoulders of the giants upon whom we stand.

We here are all such innovative people, so I am telling you...

if you want to change the world,

you're at Georgia Tech - you can do that!

If you want to build the Iron Man suit -

you're at Georgia Tech, you can do that!

IF YOU WANT TO PLAY THEME MUSIC

DURING YOUR CONVOCATION SPEECH LIKE A BADASS -

WE'RE AT GEORGIA TECH, WE CAN DO THAT!

I AM DOING THAT!!

APPLAUSE

That is brilliant, isn't it?

I want to adopt him.

OK, well, look, I'm not going to put abs into Room 101,

because I'd like some...

-Are you sure?

-And I have some, but they're underground at the moment

and I'd like to bring them forth.

And I'm sorry, Melanie, I mean, I don't like the £2 coin either,

but I don't believe I can put it into Room 101.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

But I've done a couple of speeches and I think you're right,

they would be better if people got up,

grabbed the award and disappeared.

I'm sorry, guys,

but I am going to put award acceptance speeches into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Gyles, you were the most persuasive guest tonight...

I'd like to say something, but I can't.

LAUGHTER

Well, you are this week's winner, nevertheless.

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, Adam Hills, Gyles Brandreth and Melanie C.

And thank you, good night!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING