Episode 2 Room 101 - Extra Storage

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to get their pet hates exiled

forever to the dark vault that is Room 101.

Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,

and in each round, only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are comedian Jack Dee,

footballer-turned-presenter Gary Lineker,

and actress Fay Ripley.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, then, let's have our first category.

Ah, people. Don't you just hate them?

So, what is Gary's choice?

HYDRAULIC WHIRRING

I know exactly what this is.

This is, sort of, competitive parents.

Certainly at football matches, parents on touchlines.

The type that shout at their own kids and shout abuse at referees

and shout at the opposition - and get so competitive

about the game that they don't allow the kids to enjoy football.

-Do you say anything?

-Yeah.

I just say, "You're really not helping."

I saw one bloke run up to his kid, who was about ten years old,

and at the end of the game,

he picked him up by the scruff of the neck,

and he was going, "Do you think you're going to make it

"playing like that?!"

Do you think that helps him?! He's ten!

He wasn't any good anyway!

It'll be lovely if he's watching, though, hearing Gary Lineker...

It drives me mad.

I wonder, out of interest, at what point you are allowed

to shout at them like that for them to then become a good player.

What age is the crossover where it's,

"Oh, that's really great" to, "Get on with it! Get down the pitch!"?

Cos at some point that's what everybody does.

-I don't think you ever have to shout at anybody like that...

-Really?

..in sport. No. You don't see that in...

cricket.

LAUGHTER

I've got a clip.

This shows what happens when parents get a bit too

involved in what's going on in a sporting event.

So, you can see that there's a bit of shoving there, but...

stay out of it, Dad.

Dad, come on.

Hang on, isn't that Gary?!

-Oh, Lord.

-That goes a bit beyond, "Have a word with him", doesn't it?

-That's pushing it a bit.

-That is, just a little bit.

I think 99% of people in sport, probably in all walks of life,

-we respond much better, don't we, to...?

-Encouragement.

-An arm round the shoulder.

-Absolutely.

-There are the odd,

you know, instances where somebody perhaps needs

the old kick up the backside just to get them going.

-Yeah.

-But it's not like a player's going to change his mind

because of something that somebody's shouted at him. "Pass it on!"

"Oh, that's a better idea than what I was going to do."

A friend of mine was saying he saw a bloke get up to shout,

it's at West Brom, and he started the abusive shout

before he decided how he was going to end it.

So he was on about this player being a bit, he was a bit negative,

he passed the ball sideways rather than forwards and he said,

"Bradley, Bradley, you're about as negative as a...

"positive earth."

I've been watching football since 1967

and I would say that 80% of what I've shouted at football matches

has been the phrase, "Come on".

-It works. "Come on."

-It works for everything.

If it's going badly you go, "Come on",

and if it's going well, you go, "Come on, come on".

And you can just go, "Oh, come ON!"

Endlessly versatile.

What's really interesting, I didn't realise you didn't start

watching football until you were in your 30s.

HE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Oh, Gary Lineker.

I still love him. I can't stop it.

I've only just entered into parenthood.

He's two and a half, my son,

and I've already started to feel that competitive...

You're not shouting at him yet, are you?

I mean, how are you on school sports days?

I'm thinking he won't have a school sports day for about two years

so I could get, say, Kriss Akabusi to train him.

I like the idea of being in top form for the dads' race.

Jack, do you do sports days? Dads' race?

Well, my kids are older now, they don't do them at university.

-But in the past...

-They don't do egg and spoon any more.

It does make you wonder though if it's only just in sport though.

One of my sons is into drama

and you wouldn't ever be in the audience going, "Come on!

"What's the matter with you? What, do you call that a pause?"

I find if I'm pushing my son on the swing,

if there's someone pushing next to me,

I want to be the highest. Do you know what I mean?

Goes over the top.

A young boy, who was about five, walked past, and he said,

"The baby's going high".

OK. Well, I think you argue your case with passion, if I may say.

So, what kind of people wind up Fay Ripley?

HYDRAULIC WHIRRING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Me?!

-Let me explain.

-OK.

-Football pundits.

It is...

That hasn't really softened the blow.

My point is this.

I am new to football.

I have an eight-year-old son, and so I'm a year in to, now,

a new passion. So I'm into football.

I should warn you, her next choice is crisps.

APPLAUSE

Not really. Sorry, Fay.

I'm sort of looking for mumdits, I suppose, you know,

I want the mums' voice in there.

I want to sort of... It's like I know what you're saying,

but you do slightly point out the bleeding obvious.

It's like, yeah, I've got it, but I'm looking at the game going,

"Oh, that's the bloke with the new kitchen, yeah.

"Saw that in the double-page spread. He gives his money to charity.

"Oh, love him". You know, it's that sort of thing.

That is a different angle, yeah.

Yeah. It's not that I don't want you to exist.

-How sweet of you.

-That is as generous as I can be.

-I just want to be included.

-You're talking women here?

-Women.

-Or you particularly?

-Mums. Mums.

-Mums.

-The core... The soccer mums.

We have women pundits on Football Focus.

We've got a lot of women's football now, which is growing,

it's getting quicker. We've got the women's

FA Cup, World Cup, coming up.

All sorts of big things, so it's there for you.

-OK. It's coming up the rear.

-They can't do...

I've watched quite a lot of the women's football

and it annoys me that there aren't enough men commentating.

I like the pundits, but I miss the fact that there aren't as many

non-ex-footballers, because I think the football,

it gets a bit bantery, doesn't it, don't you think, Gary?

You know, there's a goal, and they say,

"Well, I think even you would have scored that one".

"Yeah, it's a bit far out for me."

"And the goalie pushed him. Strikers' union."

It does get a bit like that.

I've never heard a show like that, but I'll take your word for it.

Oh, come on.

The ex-pros have sort of taken over now, I think, wouldn't you say?

Well, definitely, and quite rightly so.

Why do we want people on there that

don't really understand it very well?

Well, here's a famous ex-professional footballer

and manager, Chris Kamara, in action on Sky Soccer Saturday.

Well, to Fratton Park, where there has been a red card,

but for who, Chris Kamara?

I don't know, Jeff. Has there?!

I must have missed that. Red card?!

Yes. Have you not been watching?

According to our sources,

Anthony Vanden Borre has been sent off for a second bookable offence.

Get your fingers out and count up the number of Portsmouth

-players that are on the field.

-No, you're right.

I saw him go off, but I thought they were bringing a sub on, Jeff.

THEY LAUGH

How sweet.

Top man, Chris Kamara. Top man. See, that's great.

That's entertainment. That's what it's about, making people laugh.

You could find a woman who could not notice someone getting sent off.

What I liked about it is that he was completely honest about it.

He's probably at the back of the stand somewhere.

Let's defend the man.

That's lovely for you to stick up for someone from a rival network.

It was rubbish, actually. It was rubbish.

Are you in negotiations, Gary?

I remember when Wayne Rooney played one of his first games

for England and it went back to you in the studio and you said,

"I think we might've found one."

And that's when pundits are great,

when they seem to love the game as much as you do.

That was special.

Not necessarily correct but it was...

LAUGHTER

So I know what you mean but I think Gary Lineker's quite a good example

-of what it's like when it's at its top end.

-Thanks, Frank.

It's all right.

LAUGHTER

What kind of people wind up Jack Dee?

HYDRAULIC WHIRRING

-White van drivers.

-OK.

-White van drivers.

I think white vans should be banned,

because the white van is the choice of criminals.

How often when you hear of a crime and the report would say the police

are wanting to speak to a driver of a white van seen in the vicinity?

So this is where I'm coming from.

I don't think you can arrest them first,

though, as a preventative measure.

Well, this is exactly what I'm saying we should do.

Do you think if we painted all vans, it would eradicate crime?

I slightly think it would make a difference.

There's something about the whole culture of the white van.

They always drive them as if they just stole them anyway, don't they?

They're the worst road users there are.

And they've no need to be in such a big vehicle anyway

because they're not doing anything, these people.

Half of them, they don't carry around that much equipment.

If you're a plumber, what do you need?

You need a spanner, that's about it.

The rest is just full of Ginsters pie wrappers and such,

whatever else they need to get themselves through the day.

I think it's easy to sort of assume that they're all bad guys,

but there must be some very decent folk driving white vans.

I don't think so.

We've got some example of things that you see

when people DO put things on their van.

These are people deliberately trying to be funny,

which I sort of quite like.

OK, here's the first.

Floral and Hardy. Come on, that's a double pun.

-That's cute.

-Because you get hardy annuals, you see.

See if you like this one any better.

That's brilliant.

That's brilliant, but technically that's not a white van.

That's got a livery on it saying what's going on in the van

-and what they're about.

-Yes.

Doesn't the UN and the Red Cross use white vans?

It's got a red cross on it. You haven't been listening, have you?

No, it's on the top. It's on the top.

-You can't see it.

-I have a statistic.

You might find this interesting.

It says that just one in every 261 white vans was involved

in an accident in Britain in 2012,

compared with one in every 146 cars.

Goes to show car drivers are a lot more honest. They own up.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. So we come to the end of that round.

I have to say, I think you've all done well on this.

I agree that there should be more women pundits.

I think parents do get completely carried away.

I don't have such a problem with white vans myself,

but you've argued it so relentlessly

and with such scowling focus, that I feel I can't turn it down,

so I'm going to put white vans and their drivers into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's have the next category.

It's modern life. What doesn't Fay Ripley like about modern life?

HYDRAULIC WHIRRING

Ugh. Leggings.

Oh.

Look, I'm not a huge follower of fashion.

I don't have much of an opinion on fashion, but I am a Ripley,

and the Ripley women have some kind of genetic issue with their legs.

I have Ripley legs.

Do you mean you have rippley legs?

-Sort of, yes.

-Oh, OK. That's a coincidence.

-Thanks for noticing.

-Yeah.

-But somewhere along the line,

-everybody, it seems to me, started wearing leggings all the time.

-Mm.

I think that the excuse is that they're comfy, erm,

but so is my dressing gown, I'm not going to work in it.

And my issue is many...

For me, it's not about the shape of your legs even,

because if you've got quite a lot of flesh on the bone,

it looks like sausage meat put into a piping bag.

If you're very thin, you look like Max Wall.

There's no way round it. Or a mime artist, or a sparrow.

Do you see what I mean? There's no good version.

There is no good version, I'm here to tell you.

And then out from leggings,

some genius decided to invent jeggings.

Jeggings being jean leggings.

-Oh, yeah.

-And then, Frank, came the meggings.

-Let me guess.

-Male leggings.

-Oh, male leggings, yeah.

-Are you wearing them?

I might be.

I bet they're comfy.

-Do you want to see them?

-Yes.

OK. It just so happens I am wearing leggings tonight.

-Are you?

-I'm not ashamed of that.

I'll have to come over here to reveal it.

-Oh, you really are.

-I really am.

I go for a certain look in leggings which I think many of you

will appreciate. Perhaps not so much you, Fay.

You're in the wrong angle.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Plus the big question is, well, are they leggings? You'll never know.

Or is he just commando this evening?

Frank, one of my points being...

Yes. Keep one of my points out of it.

Well, one of my points being that you can't, there's just way

too much detail in a legging in that downstairs department.

I don't want to know all your baked goods in the shop front.

-Yeah, but not everyone else could see from that side.

-I could.

My point in a nutshell.

We have to take your word for it,

because from here you looked like Action Man.

But I love - I think women look fantastic in leggings.

Name one.

OK. Beyonce.

I would... I would say she looks pretty good

but I'd rather see her in a well-tailored trouser.

Look, those are studded leggings. I like those.

I like the idea of going to an Italian restaurant

and the waitress is wearing studded leggings.

She comes over and grinds Parmesan into your... Eh?

Let's encourage that.

To be honest, I think they're fairly unforgiving, leggings.

I can't remember what your legs are like.

I bet they're great, but I think if you've got great legs,

you look great in leggings, and that's kind of what happens.

Well, what does that leave for the Ripley ladies?

Well, the thing is, they're sort of made for women with great legs,

but women who are bigger women, I don't include you in this,

are drawn in by the elastication.

So what happens is you do get women who maybe shouldn't.

But I like the fact that big women now can be big in a tight way.

I... Honestly, I love them.

My girlfriend wears leggings all the time and I think they look great.

-Well...

-I love the fact that they stop, you know, before the foot.

Yes, it's just a tight without a foot

but would you ever go out in your tights?

But that's so brave that women do that.

I would never put a bare foot into a shoe.

If I wore shoes with no socks,

after a week I'd just have to throw it away.

It wouldn't be touchable, that shoe.

That's why women are always buying shoes because the ones that

they're putting on bare feet have disintegrated.

OK. What doesn't Jack like about modern life?

HYDRAULIC WHIRRING

HAND-DRYER BLOWS

Electric hand-dryers.

-Yeah, those automatic hand-dryers.

-APPLAUSE

I mean a good 47% of them don't work anyway,

so you wet your hands and then you discover it doesn't work,

so then you're wandering around with wet hands for six or seven minutes.

Unlike with a paper towel dispenser, you know when that's empty.

You can see it's empty. You think, "Fine, that's empty.

"I'm not going to bother washing my hands,"

whereas this, you don't get the option.

Sometimes they do work, but they're pathetic, they're just like...

HE BLOWS GENTLY

..like a dying man's last breath on your hands.

Even the Dyson Airblade thing,

that one where you put your hands in like that

and everyone thinks it's quite clever and quite cool to use

but it's not actually, but when you watch people even using that,

they always go out the lavatory just doing this.

Because it's a primary instinct for us

to want to dry our hands on a piece of cloth or paper.

I hate when inventors think that they'll improve on something

that works perfectly well anyway.

Who the hell looked at a towel, or paper towel, and thought,

"There must be a better way of drying your hands than that"?

Crisps, right? Crisps.

I love regular, ordinary crisps.

I'm not just saying this. I like regular, ordinary crisps.

Then someone thinks, "Oh, no, we can make them better.

"Let's have Kettle crisps instead". It's just like food that hurts.

-It just tears your mouth apart.

-He's good.

-It is.

Horrible little shards of...

You could skin an animal with those things.

We were all happy with normal crisps.

Leave us with them, and leave us

with paper towels to wash our hands on and dry our hands on.

APPLAUSE

The other thing is that a public lavatory is probably not

the most fragrant area that you'll ever find yourself in

and the one thing that can make the stench of a lavatory worse

is by warming it up.

That's what an electric hand-dryer does.

Have you ever done that thing when you get your mouth underneath

one of those hand-dryers and you can make your mouth go all funny?

You ever done that?

-I haven't done that, that sounds good.

-It's brilliant.

I haven't got one of those, obviously,

but I've got a hairdryer, it's the same principle.

But if you get a good powerful hand-dryer

and you get underneath it...

I'll see if I can make this work with a hairdryer. OK, ready?

HAIRDRYER BLOWS

-Brilliant.

-But...

APPLAUSE

-It's...

-I'm just worried that you'll be making faces like that

in a public toilet and people will get the wrong idea.

Well, I think that's what worries this bloke.

I'll be absolutely honest.

If I'm just going for a wee, I don't wash my hands.

GROANING

Well, maybe sometimes accidentally.

Why would I? I'm only touching me, and I'm clean.

I know I'm clean.

How filthy are people they have to wash their hands after

they touch themselves?

You've made us all feel sick now.

I'm a big hand-washer, a borderline obsessive hand-washer.

-Yeah?

-And in a public toilet, I won't use my hands.

I'll only use my elbows.

That's quite difficult at a urinal.

Morning, Jeff.

My most dangerous area in a public toilet is not the...

It's the door in and out, is the one I worry about most

because people like you don't wash their hands, basically.

But I'm very clean, generally.

Well, so what you're suggesting is that it would be OK for you

to slap your private parts onto the handle of that toilet door.

-What I'm saying...

-And that's cool for me who's never met you...

-No, hear me out...

-..in that way.

-What I'm saying

is when I'm going for that purpose, the only thing I touch is me

and if I can catch something off me, I've already got it.

-But I haven't!

-What about other people?

-Yes!

-Oh, other people.

That's all we ever hear nowadays - other people this,

other people that.

OK, well, can I ask you one question?

When you wash your hands, how long would you say you wash them for?

There have been times when other people are using the facilities

and if I'm aware that there's an electric hand-dryer,

I actually won't wash my hands, I'll pretend to wash my hands

so I'll hit the tap and pretend to be getting them wet

but I don't want the inconvenience

but I also don't want them to think I don't wash my hands.

That's worse than me, at least I'm up front about it!

It is worse than you in a way, yeah, it is.

You've combined a lack of cleanliness with hypocrisy.

It's something I specialise in.

OK. What doesn't Gary like about modern life?

HYDRAULIC WHIRRING

I've changed my mind. I'm going hand-dryer.

-No, internet trolls.

-Ah.

People that are abusive and nasty on various forms of internet things,

like Facebook, Twitter and...

-Have you had personal experience?

-I have one particular example.

I had a little accident, shall we say, in a very...

Yeah.

..big football match, 1990 World Cup, and I wasn't very well.

No. We should explain, it's a family show,

so let's say you had a stomach upset.

Yeah, I had a bit of stomach upset. Ball went down the left-hand side.

Totally out of character, I tried to tackle someone, and I relaxed,

-and...

-Yes, yes.

-You can imagine the rest. It was not very pleasant.

-Yes.

-It was... In fact, it was awful.

Every time I, say, do a tweet, I get hundreds of people going,

"Yeah, but you sh... on the pitch".

Whatever I tweet about.

Say I tweet about, like tonight, I said, "I'm going

"to do Room 101 with the brilliant Frank Skinner", for example...

(I didn't.) ..and then all the responses underneath will be,

"I sh... on Frank Skinner".

And they think it's funny, and it goes on forever.

That was 1990, and you're still getting people trolling about it.

-Yeah.

-You're not the first national hero to have had an accident.

Do you remember Paula Radcliffe did it in the street?

-Course, yeah.

-And I think Gary Barlow did it

when he got that call from the Inland Revenue.

But I have to say that I'm not on Twitter myself,

but I've noticed that you can be quite acerbic on there.

-If it's deserved.

-Yeah, well...

It's a great chance of having a go back.

When you're playing football, for example,

you used to get loads of abuse from the crowd, but you couldn't

really have a go back, whereas this gives you a platform.

Now you can tweet them all individually.

-If you want to.

-Yeah.

A particular target of yours, I've noticed,

is the President of FIFA, Sepp Blatter.

Oh, yes. But he's very deserving of it.

OK. Well, let's have a look at a couple of examples.

APPLAUSE

And...

APPLAUSE

In his defence, who knew it was hot in Qatar?

-You're right.

-But it's a brilliant platform, Twitter,

for all sorts of different reasons.

I can't agree with that. I hate Twitter.

You've not been on it. Everyone hates it until they do it.

No, but I - I'm on it.

You're on it whether you like it or not.

I got home, my girlfriend,

honestly, my girlfriend said to me, "Why were you in Superdrug?"

I'm so sensitive to criticism.

For example, you did a tweet, Gary, about me, right?

This was it, this was earlier in the year...

And someone told me about it,

my girlfriend who Twitter searches me on the hour,

and my first thought was, "Well, this sounds to me

"like someone's saying why don't people love Frank Skinner?

-"I'm going to be the first one..."

-It's paranoia.

Yeah, exactly, that's why I can't be on Twitter. If that upset me...

No, cos everyone loves you, Frank. I was just making that point.

Yeah, but I didn't see it that way.

Obviously I saw some of the responses

and a lot of people don't but...

Now, that was a joke but tonight I will wake up at three o'clock

and thought he meant that.

Well, I think it's terrible that you should be criticised

for what was an illness, basically.

On here I've had stomach trouble many a time,

it just drops out of me like a seagull.

So, OK. Well, I must say, you've all...

you've all convinced me

and then sort of...see, I love leggings, and I know what you mean.

I know they are - but I don't mind a bit of casual dressing,

and I think that they can look absolutely fantastic.

Hand-dryers, I don't mind them.

I don't feel really strongly about it,

but I think internet trolls, you're right, Gary, it's got to be stopped.

I am going to put internet trolls into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, next category, please.

It's the wildcard round, so all the restraints are off

and you can just pick anything you don't like.

What is Jack's wildcard?

HYDRAULIC WHIRRING

This is when they use music in adverts.

Not jingles, but music that you like.

-Oh, OK.

-And it ruins the music,

the song, for you for ever-more.

I've had too many of my favourite songs contaminated

by the thought of a brand

of some sort or the other, because it's been in an advert,

been used, and I don't think it should be allowed.

Do you not think that this can work a bit like a Trojan Horse,

in that it comes into your house unexpected during the adverts,

and you might discover something that you really like that you

wouldn't have heard before?

It's exactly what I'm talking about, you know?

You know the song by Labi Siffre, Something So Strong Inside,

and it's a beautiful song written about breaking down apartheid

and civil rights and that got used for a car advert.

Where's the...?

And it was a Peugeot as well.

Not even a nice car.

All the marvellous moments in your life,

the music that I walked down the aisle to,

I don't want that ruined,

because it's suddenly become an advert for a building society.

That's all I'll think of.

I'll connect marriage with financial stress.

Seems fair.

Well, I would rather that they use a song in its normal form.

Sometimes when they take a song that you love

and then they mess about with it, that's worse.

That's a whole other level of horror.

I mean, we have something in common. We both have a song.

I know from listening to your Desert Island Discs.

We both have a song that we love very much.

# When you're alone and life is making you lonely

# You can always go

# Downtown. #

I love that song, and I know you do too, and so I know you'll

particularly not enjoy an advert for Coles, the Australian supermarket.

# Prices are staying down

# So forget all your troubles

# Forget all your cares and go

# Down, down

# Prices are staying down

# Down, down

# They're not on special, they're

# Down, down

-# And every one's down for you

-Down, down. #

I want to shop there. That's just so fun!

It's not very convenient, though. It's in Australia.

That's true. Phew.

That now has tainted the song for me.

I wish I could do Desert Island Discs again.

I wouldn't do that song on it.

Anyway, what is Gary's wildcard?

HYDRAULIC WHIRRING

These yellow box junction things.

-Really?!

-Yes, and I'll tell you why, because they're a...

They're a pain in the neck and no-one understands them.

Somebody will drive in front, and you're going through the box,

and then they decide just to stop, just after the box, when there's ten

yards in front of them, and you get stuck there, and then you get done.

What is the point of them?

Well, I'll tell you. I'll show you what the point...

-because I think they're actually a very good idea.

-Oh, well.

I'm going to demonstrate how they operate.

If you take the waffle, obviously, as the box...

Works quite well, I think, as a box junction.

So the idea is that I'm coming down this road,

I want to turn right here. Yeah? So that's fine.

If there's a car here, OK, that's come across there,

then my exit is not clear, so I wait.

If I go across and sit there, like you're suggesting is all right,

if I sit there, then I'm blocking this person.

No, no, no. You're allowed in the box if you turn right.

-No, not if my exit isn't clear.

-But how can you see

whether your exit is clear with sausages on the plate?

Look, I know you like clearing your exit in the box.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, now I've done it.

I bet you've got a very big car.

-I bet he's got...

-And that is not a compliment.

-No, I've got a really small car.

-Oh.

-Smart car?

-It's not that smart.

You can imagine Gary, can't you, with his big car?

Yeah. Taking up the whole box.

"I'm Gary Lineker", eh? Wind the window down to indicate.

I think this woman might have the answer for you.

-Yeah, good.

-This is her car.

That's brilliant.

Yeah, but you wait till... She parks it in exactly the right position.

That is her car. That picture is not interfered with.

That is her car parked. That is amazing, isn't it?

Anyway, what is Fay's wildcard?

HYDRAULIC WHIRRING

People who tell the truth.

Yeah, they're awful, aren't they?!

Well, people who are very proud of telling the truth.

You know, people describe themselves as a person, you know,

-"I say it like it is".

-Mmm.

You know, "I don't suffer fools gladly".

Well, DO suffer fools gladly!

DON'T say it like it is.

Don't tell me I'm fat and old. I KNOW that.

-Don't say it.

-Fay...

Well, or whatever it is. I want lies.

I actually DO want lies. I think they're really useful.

I think they're kind. It goes for everything.

It goes for your children at school, you know,

don't tell me my kid is bottom of the class.

Say he's, you know, he's got loads of room for improvement,

for instance, or just wrap it up in a lie.

I bumped into an actress that I used to work with,

and she looked at me and she went, "Oh, Fay.

"Oh, my God.

"How we've all aged."

I was like, "Oh, yes, I suppose we have."

It would have been... You know, just a lie.

At that point, a lie.

My mother-in-law, when I...

When I had a child, his first... He was making noises early on,

it really sounded like "daddy" to me.

And I said, "He's saying daddy." And she said, "Nah."

I said, "No, honestly, listen." And she said, "I think he's saying...

"It sounds like egghead."

Oh, so not only is he not saying daddy, he's actually abusing me!

A comedian once said to me - I don't know

if you've had anything like this, Jack - I met a woman comedian.

She said, "Whenever I die onstage, I think of

"when you died at the Royal Variety Performance."

-Ooh.

-How lovely to be an inspiration to someone.

I didn't even know that, either.

I'm going to go and look it up on YouTube when I get home.

It's pretty bad.

You must have lots of actors who are friends.

Do you ever have that thing when you go and see someone in a play

and then you go backstage after, and it's been terrible,

and you have to...?

You mustn't say - Frank, you must NEVER say it's terrible.

-I always say it's brilliant.

-Yes.

-Always.

-Always.

Even when it's awful. See, that is another Twitter example.

I went to see a comedian and I went back after and said,

"That was brilliant and fantastic," and all that,

and on Twitter it said, "Sat next to Frank Skinner at the blah, blah gig.

"He didn't laugh once."

Yeah, that...

Sorry about that, Jack.

OK. So we come to the end of that round. Hmm.

Music in adverts, I think, can introduce you to music

you might not have heard before, and that's a good thing.

I think the box junction is a rather fabulous invention.

I just think you're misusing it.

AND I admire honesty in all areas of life, but I agree that sometimes you

have to be a bit kind to people, and then it doesn't count as dishonesty.

So I'm going to put people who tell the truth into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Jack, YOU were the most persuasive guest this week,

so you are this week's winner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, thank you very much to Jack Dee, Gary Lineker and Fay Ripley,

and thank you, good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE