Episode 3 Room 101 - Extra Storage


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

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the show where three guests battle to get the things they hate

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entombed for all eternity in the notorious vault.

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They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round

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only one item can be chosen - the final decision is mine.

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Let's meet this week's guests.

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Joining me tonight are Citizen Khan Adil Ray,

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model citizen Katie Price,

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and senior citizen Greg Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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So, time for another edition of the Great British Bellyache Off.

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BELL DINGS OK, so what is Greg's choice?

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Ah, that old chestnut.

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I just think a dog...

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A dog is of limited intelligence.

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It's well-established.

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There's an argument about whether they're sentient beings or not,

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whether they have any awareness of self.

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I can't be bothered to get into that argument.

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They're dogs, OK?

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I had a dog for a long time, and he was thick.

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Because they're dogs!

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So, he understood "walk", he learned that that phonetic sound

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meant that someone was going to let him out so he could do his toilets,

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and he got exciting about that.

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He knew his name - Rex - and apart from that, he was incredibly stupid.

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There are people in my local park

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who are having full conversations with their dogs.

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They're going, "Oh, Coco, don't mess around in that bush,"

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and I think, "Coco doesn't know he's in a bush!"

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Coco has no concept of what a bush is.

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Coco is just trying to smell other dogs' wee,

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and trying to find something to eat or have sex with.

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There's a woman in my park who walks about five dogs,

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and she's going, "Oh, Lulu, Lulu, don't play with Coco's stick.

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"That's his stick."

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Coco now has some concept of ownership?

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It wasn't his stick anyway. I saw him.

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He picked it up in the park!

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And the same can be applied, while I'm on the subject, to toddlers.

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-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I don't....

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I've heard mothers in west London talking to two-year-olds going,

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"No, no, no, don't play with that bowl,

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"because you're going to spill food on the floor

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"and someone is going to have to come and clean that up,"

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-and the toddler is going...

-GREG GIBBERS

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..because all they've got a concept of

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is something they can ram in their mouth.

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They have no concept of the...

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I'm genuinely furious.

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One of the worst things is

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when people want to say something to their partner,

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-but they say it to the baby...

-Yeah.

-..instead.

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So, they say things... "Daddy's a bit grumpy today.

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"I think he might be having an affair."

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I don't like that.

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But at least that's got a purpose to it, Frank.

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At least that's someone communicating

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with an intelligent being via a non-intelligent being.

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If I see a man in a park say to his dog -

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which I have done in the last two weeks -

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"Are you tired?"

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To a dog, "Are you tired?"

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"Are you tired?" is a hair's breadth away from saying to a dog,

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"Will you make me an omelette?"

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I live near an enormous park in North London...

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-Oooh!

-Yes! I'm not ashamed of that.

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On a hot day, you can smell the dog excrement wafting through the air.

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-Well, that's it.

-You should have told those dogs to clean it up.

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"Get a little bucket, clean that up. You did it."

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"What? I'm a dog!"

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I saw a bloke who'd got one of those, er...

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You know the, er, trajectory ladles

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-that they use to show the ball?

-Yeah.

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-You know the trajectory ladle? AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

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Is that the name for them?

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That's what I imagine is the name for it.

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It's probably called a throwing stick, isn't it?

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Tell you where you got that -

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it was probably a dog called it a trajectory label.

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And he was doing that, and he was going, "Now go and get that ball!"

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And I thought, "My bet is he would go anyway."

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Just from the action.

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Of course. What the dog is thinking

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is, "Coloured thing go fast. Me get."

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-Yeah.

-Not even that, mate.

-Not even that!

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Carson, you've got mixed up with.

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Because I live on a farm, we've got three dogs,

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and I have to say, they are very intelligent.

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Because they herd the sheep in, they get the geese in,

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and you could say to a dog, "Go and get this, go and get that,"

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-and they do get it.

-Go and get what, though?

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A Nando's or something?

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But my dogs genuinely are intelligent.

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Even if I go, "Kevin", like that,

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he knows to get out the room and go...

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Hold on. Hold on a minute.

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So one of them is called Kevin?

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Yes. Kevin, Trevor and Vera.

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I mean, just to be clear, these are definitely dogs?

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Yeah. In a minute she's going to go, "Oh, no - that's my kids. Sorry."

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We have film of a woman

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who believes that bears understand the English language.

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Bear! Bear!

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You're breaking it, you're breaking my kayak!

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Why are you doing that?!

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Why are you breaking my kayak?

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Why are you breaking my kayak?!

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Oh, please stop, bear! It's the end of September!

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Why are you here? You're supposed to be asleep!

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At least you're leaving my kayak alone.

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I'm going to pepper-spray you in the face.

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LAUGHTER

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That conversation took a turn for the worse.

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Come on, we've all had nights like that.

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My, er... My girlfriend was running

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and got bitten by a dog, quite hard.

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She came back and was actually bleeding...from the buttock.

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And, er, it was quite scary and quite a horrible thing,

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and she said to the owner of the dog,

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"Oh, God, he's bitten me!", and she said,

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"He's never done it before."

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And I thought, is this why defence lawyers

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don't like to work with serial killers?

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LAUGHTER

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Here's a fabulous story. You know when...

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This must have happened with people,

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you haven't heard from them for a long time,

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they used to send you a Christmas card or drop you a line

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and suddenly they disappear

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and you think, "What could possibly be the reason?"

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Here's a story which I think is one of the more novel explanations.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I have another..

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You know there are some people dye their dogs?

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You see people who dye their poodles pink and stuff like this.

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-Yeah.

-What about this?

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I mean, how would you explain that to the dog?

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I mean, he's just grasped the fact that he's inside a bush.

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My sister and I dressed our dog up in my dad's underpants once,

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when we were kids.

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He had massive white underpants, and we put them on the dog,

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and then we were all laughing.

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We called the rest of the family out and we were all laughing at the dog.

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This sort of contradicts what I've been saying, really,

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because the dog went outside,

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and we were all in hysterics as he went out in the underpants,

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and he turned back and looked at us and he just filled them full of wee.

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I swear he looked at us afterwards and went,

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"Yeah? Funny now, is it?"

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Must remember that as an excuse.

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Tell the cleaner I tried them on the dog.

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God, I remember...we had a dog, and it died, which is a sad story,

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and my mum and dad were really, really upset.

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My dad phoned me at work about it, and he was really upset,

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but he said to me, "We let him out last night to do his business

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"and we heard this splashing sound."

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I said, "Well, you would."

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And he said, "No, no, he fell in the pond in the garden."

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He said, "And I had to take him out,

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I had to give him artificial respiration."

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By now, I'm really struggling on the end of the phone.

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-Yeah.

-Like, I'm thinking this is getting more funny than tragic.

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And then he said, "We found him this morning lying by the telephone."

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And I said, "Do you think he was trying to phone an ambulance?"

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Didn't go well.

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And so, Katie's choice.

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CHEERING

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APPLAUSE

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Well, when I got asked to come on this show,

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they said, "Is there anything that annoys you?"

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And I was like, well, not really, cos I'm quite chilled and laid-back,

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but they were like,

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"Well, you obviously have to think of something."

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So actually, parking does annoy me.

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-Mmm.

-For one, it's always hard to find a space, and now,

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when you do find a space, say if you want to pop in somewhere

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for literally two minutes, you know, you can't even pay money now.

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You have to phone a number

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and then put in the code for where you are, and you spend, like,

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ten minutes, or whatever, doing that, then giving your credit card,

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and then sometimes it's like, oh, it didn't work,

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and it's all automated.

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So, it's easier just to go in and get a parking ticket.

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It's just like, why can't they just keep it old-fashioned,

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where you put your money in, or make it a credit card machine?

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APPLAUSE

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And then some machines now, you have to put your registration in.

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I don't know my registration off the top of my head.

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So then, what do you do then?

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Look at the car.

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It's normally got it on the front and the back.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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No, you're right. I miss the meter where you just put the money in.

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-It's easy then.

-What I like...

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There's something about a parking meter.

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It's got that kind of springy thing when you put the money in.

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Feels like it doesn't really want it.

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It's like it's going, "Oh, no, no, I couldn't.

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"Honestly, I couldn't. I haven't got you anything."

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-It's very British, isn't it?

-Yeah. It's quite coy about it.

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And Dartford Tunnel. You can't just pay.

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You now have to phone up before you go through that,

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and if you don't, then you get a £75 fine.

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Are you saying that you occasionally park in the Dartford Tunnel?

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In 2010, I understand you were fined, Katie,

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for texting whilst driving your pink horsebox.

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So they reckon... It was me spraying perfume,

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but I didn't get away with it, but it was true.

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Well, they stink, those horses. It's fair enough.

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And what I like about it is they said you weren't in proper control

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of the horse box after veering into another lane.

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You defended yourself brilliantly in court, cos it says,

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"When she was asked why she veered, she told the court,

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"'Because I'm a typical woman driver.'"

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LAUGHTER

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-I'm a very good driver, actually.

-I'm sure you are.

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I have massive, massive problems with parking, I must say.

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I'm not very good at it.

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You know, people say to me,

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"Oh, God, I forgot where I parked and I couldn't find the car."

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For me, that doesn't happen.

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I really know the place by the time I've parked.

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I've made friends.

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I invented a...

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With my ex-girlfriend, I invented a character called Daddy Park,

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who was, um...

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LAUGHTER

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Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa.

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-Come on.

-No, no, it was innocent.

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It was just a rapper who rapped about his parking ability.

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And I... I don't remember any of the raps but they were awesome.

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So I would be reversing into a spot going,

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"Uh-oh, D to the A to the double D-Y,"

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and parking in.

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And once, when we were really late to get somewhere and she was

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in a really bad mood, there was one parking space and I stopped,

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put the car in reverse and she went like this...

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Genuinely, she went, "Please tell Daddy Park he's not welcome."

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You've got cars now that park themselves, haven't they?

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Park assist.

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For you, it's probably your servant or something that does it.

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I haven't got servants.

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-I don't know why people think I have servants.

-You live on a farm!

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You've got your dog doing half of the work.

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Yeah, that's true.

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APPLAUSE

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I've got those things. They just make me really anxious.

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You know when you park in the car and you get that...

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PARKING WARNING BEEPS

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WARNING BEEPS URGENT

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Oh, man! It is a nightmare.

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I don't know why they couldn't make those... I've got those as well...

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why they couldn't have made those bleeps a nice noise.

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Why does it have to be that, "You're nearly there, you're nearly there"?

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# La-la, la-la, la-la... # "Nearly there."

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Why couldn't it be, "Little bit farther. Little bit...

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-"I'd say, what, four inches?" Why couldn't it be...?

-Yeah.

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Another four inches, take your time. No pressure.

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If somebody lets you in...

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You know if you're in a queue of traffic and somebody lets you in,

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-how do you thank them? Or do you not bother?

-Like that, or hazards.

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-Or if they're behind me, hand up.

-Bit of a smile.

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Well, my face don't really move, so I can't really get out a smile.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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That's why I love you, Katie.

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Yeah, I've got this thing, cos I think...

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-I hate the people, if I let someone in, they don't thank me.

-It's rude.

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It's really my worst thing.

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I've got a thing, if anybody lets me in, I'll go...

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I would say I've caused maybe four accidents.

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Well, let's look at some parking. I think that's always good.

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This is a very clever way of not parking on double yellow lines.

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I think you'd have a pretty good case, wouldn't you, with that one?

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Also, this thing on supermarket car parks -

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people will park in the disabled spot,

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or they'll park in a child and adult slot.

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It makes me really angry,

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when there's a much more obvious solution.

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Have you ever driven into someone's car and left a note saying,

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you know, "Sorry I hit your car. Here's my number"

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or anything like that? Anyone?

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Yeah.

-Yeah, some people.

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This is my favourite ever example of one of those notes.

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What I wanted to talk about was you -

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we've got a picture of you.

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This is Katie, parked...

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That is a good party bus.

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Is that a horsebox?

0:16:260:16:27

Yeah, I've got two. That's the big one.

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It's good for nights out when you're with your mates,

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because you play all your music

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and have a drink on the way to wherever you're going

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and on the way back, it's got beds, so you could get in your pyjamas,

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take your make-up off and sleep on the way home.

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Do the horses not freak you out a bit?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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OK, so what's winding up Adil?

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-Mine is be... Ooh!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Um, beards. Yes.

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And more importantly, actually, specifically, hipster beards.

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-APPLAUSE

-Yes, exactly.

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You're talking about these trendy young men you see with the big beards.

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But how can it be trendy, Frank, if everyone is doing it?

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You go to parts of London, it's almost a requirement

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to go to East London that you have to have a beard,

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and I'm not talking about East London where all the Muslims are.

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I'm talking about Shoreditch, you know?

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I think there is also a requirement there to have a beard.

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There is a requirement there!

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I just don't see... You know, if it's supposed to be trendy,

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how can it be trendy if everyone is doing it?

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I just don't get it whatsoever.

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And if it is about Muslims,

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obviously, we've been cool for a number of years.

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That's why we're front page all the time, I guess.

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-Right!

-Yeah.

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In case there's anyone watching this, thinking,

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"What on earth is he talking about?

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"Do young men have beards?" They do. It's become incredibly fashionable.

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Here's an example of the hipster beards. There you go.

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The guy on the right, I think, has got Beyonce hiding under his beard.

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Is it just laziness? Is that all it is, really?

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Is it lazy?

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I think it's partly because the kind of guys who do it,

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they're very modern young men,

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and so, most of the signs of masculinity,

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they're not allowed to show any more.

0:18:130:18:15

You know, if you look at a woman in a short skirt -

0:18:150:18:18

just a slight glance, you're a sicko.

0:18:180:18:21

If you hospitalise somebody on a pub car park,

0:18:210:18:26

you're seen as brutish.

0:18:260:18:27

Dog fighting is almost obsolete now.

0:18:290:18:32

So, the beard is one of the last symbols of masculinity

0:18:320:18:35

for these young men, so I think that's what it's about.

0:18:350:18:38

You don't think this is just you, you know,

0:18:380:18:40

getting a bit older and grumpier?

0:18:400:18:42

You're not that old, I know, but...

0:18:420:18:43

I'm not that old! No, it's not that.

0:18:430:18:46

I just don't understand it. I don't get it.

0:18:460:18:50

How can this thing catch on?

0:18:500:18:52

It's a trend, they're supposed to look cool,

0:18:520:18:54

they're supposed to look hip,

0:18:540:18:56

but you can't be, if everyone is looking just like you.

0:18:560:18:58

-My husband has got a beard.

-Oh, yes?

0:18:580:19:00

And I find the longer it is, the softer it is,

0:19:000:19:03

but there does get a point when a beard is not nice in certain areas.

0:19:030:19:08

Um...

0:19:080:19:10

I really hope you're talking about Essex.

0:19:120:19:14

One of the reasons... I think if you're going out with someone,

0:19:160:19:20

especially if you're just getting together,

0:19:200:19:22

it's quite good to have a beard.

0:19:220:19:25

I've lived with my partner now for many years,

0:19:250:19:28

and we've shared many, many personal moments,

0:19:280:19:31

but I will never let her watch me shave,

0:19:310:19:34

because I don't want her to see my shaving faces.

0:19:340:19:37

You know that... Once someone has seen you going...

0:19:390:19:42

-This is your shaving face?

-Yeah.

0:19:450:19:48

They can be a sign of wisdom, though, don't you think?

0:19:490:19:52

Well, I guess.

0:19:520:19:53

-You know, in the East...

-Yes.

0:19:530:19:55

You know, these kind of lovely big, white beards you see on the guru.

0:19:550:20:02

You know, the guru.

0:20:020:20:04

These types.

0:20:040:20:06

You know, you see the bloke sitting there like this.

0:20:060:20:09

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:120:20:15

Well, we've come to the end of that round. Now, then.

0:20:230:20:26

-Decision time.

-Yes.

0:20:260:20:27

I don't feel I can put trendy beards in,

0:20:270:20:31

because I think it's important that

0:20:310:20:33

young people are allowed to make fools of themselves.

0:20:330:20:36

It's a long, time-honoured tradition.

0:20:360:20:39

You argue it well but I don't think I can do that.

0:20:390:20:43

People who talk to their dogs as if the dogs can understand them -

0:20:430:20:47

it's really annoying, I know,

0:20:470:20:50

but where would we be without stupid people?

0:20:500:20:53

In our line of work,

0:20:540:20:56

we'd be scratching around for things to poke fun at.

0:20:560:21:01

Parking... You're quite right.

0:21:010:21:03

There's so many things wrong with it.

0:21:030:21:05

I was parking recently in Whitstable, and I got...

0:21:050:21:09

There was one space in the whole of the town,

0:21:090:21:11

and I managed to park there, and someone came just...

0:21:110:21:14

and you know when people do that thing, and they say,

0:21:140:21:16

"Are you leaving? Are you leaving?"

0:21:160:21:19

And the joy of going, "No."

0:21:190:21:21

APPLAUSE

0:21:250:21:27

I knew that I'd be able to say, if it came to it,

0:21:300:21:33

if someone said to me, "Is there any room in the lifeboat?"

0:21:330:21:36

"No."

0:21:360:21:37

So, for all those many reasons,

0:21:380:21:40

I am going to put parking into Room 101.

0:21:400:21:44

-Yay!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:440:21:47

Righty-o.

0:21:540:21:56

BELL DINGS

0:21:560:21:57

So, what's upsetting Katie?

0:21:570:22:00

Now, when I watch talent shows, it really does annoy me

0:22:130:22:17

when somebody comes on the show to audition,

0:22:170:22:20

and you know already, they're going to be rubbish.

0:22:200:22:22

-Mmm.

-And they've put them through rather than someone with talent,

0:22:220:22:25

-just to make it TV.

-Yes.

0:22:250:22:28

Like Britain's Got Talent.

0:22:280:22:29

I love the show, but you know, you get some that come on,

0:22:290:22:31

and you know they're rubbish, but they still put them through and say,

0:22:310:22:35

"Oh, you're really good."

0:22:350:22:36

It's not their fault, though, is it? It's not the rubbish people's fault.

0:22:360:22:40

-I suppose it's the TV people.

-It's the people who put them through.

0:22:400:22:42

Well, you could say it was their fault for being rubbish.

0:22:420:22:45

But they probably think they're really good.

0:22:450:22:47

It's like, just tell them the truth.

0:22:470:22:48

Jog on and just get someone on who's better.

0:22:480:22:51

One of the things they feel they have to do now is the sad story.

0:22:510:22:55

I hate sympathy.

0:22:550:22:56

As soon as the violins and bloody panpipes and that come in...

0:22:560:22:59

-Yeah.

-..it's like, "Here we go".

0:22:590:23:01

I could have really done with that when I was going to

0:23:010:23:04

Smethwick supplementary benefit office in the '70s.

0:23:040:23:09

TENDER PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:090:23:11

The thing is, I am actually looking for work.

0:23:110:23:15

It's just that, you know, it's so difficult.

0:23:150:23:17

There was a job recently, and I really...

0:23:170:23:20

I really wanted it, but, um, I couldn't afford the bus fare.

0:23:200:23:24

So, I know I've been on for nearly four years, but, er...

0:23:240:23:29

..but I am definitely available for work.

0:23:300:23:33

It's a "yes" from me.

0:23:330:23:35

There you go. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:350:23:38

Yeah, so sob stories don't work with me either.

0:23:400:23:42

We've all had dramas in our lives.

0:23:420:23:44

So, wouldn't it be nice for someone to get through

0:23:440:23:46

without a panpipe or a violin?

0:23:460:23:48

-Get through because of your talent...

-Yeah.

0:23:480:23:51

..not to let people feel sorry for you.

0:23:510:23:53

What if your talent was the panpipes?

0:23:530:23:55

It can be absolutely marvellous, can't it?

0:23:570:24:00

There are moments on it which are great television moments.

0:24:000:24:02

-When Rylan found out...

-Oh, that was a classic.

0:24:020:24:05

When he found out that he'd gone through to the live shows,

0:24:050:24:08

it's one of the best things that's ever happened on television.

0:24:080:24:12

Rylan, it's such a big risk,

0:24:140:24:17

but I have to take it.

0:24:170:24:19

RYLAN SOBS AND CRIES OUT

0:24:190:24:23

You're lying!

0:24:420:24:44

Are you serious?

0:24:440:24:46

HE SOBS

0:24:460:24:48

APPLAUSE

0:24:510:24:53

There is a moment in that where he says, "Are you serious?"

0:24:560:25:00

What if she'd gone, "No"?

0:25:000:25:02

I get cramp like that when I've had a curry.

0:25:050:25:07

I think one thing that's happened

0:25:120:25:13

that's changed quite a lot in society, you could argue,

0:25:130:25:16

is there was a time you had to be 5' 8" to be a policeman,

0:25:160:25:20

and then they felt that was discrimination against shorter people,

0:25:200:25:23

so they got rid of that.

0:25:230:25:25

And I think there was a time

0:25:250:25:27

when in order to be a celebrity you had to have talent,

0:25:270:25:30

and that was discriminating against a lot of people.

0:25:300:25:34

And now, people, I think, want people who they recognise,

0:25:350:25:38

who are like them.

0:25:380:25:40

-You, Katie...

-I've got no talent, though.

0:25:400:25:42

No, and I respect you for that.

0:25:420:25:44

You, in many ways, were the trailblazer in this phenomenon.

0:25:460:25:50

I first interviewed Katie, when she was Jordan, in 2001

0:25:500:25:55

and here you still are. You've been around for ages now, whereas a lot...

0:25:550:25:58

-20 years.

-A lot of these people on the talent shows

0:25:580:26:02

are pretty short-term.

0:26:020:26:04

And I like that, I like the sort of ice sculpture nature of winning,

0:26:040:26:09

that people win and they say, "You're going to be a massive star,"

0:26:090:26:13

you can already hear the dripping.

0:26:130:26:15

LAUGHTER

0:26:150:26:17

And then they've melted and gone.

0:26:170:26:20

I love that.

0:26:200:26:22

I've been doing this for 30 years.

0:26:250:26:27

There's a lot of people out there sick of the sight of me,

0:26:270:26:30

but does that stop me? No.

0:26:300:26:32

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:320:26:35

OK. Greg's choice.

0:26:360:26:38

APPLAUSE

0:26:440:26:46

I want to make it absolutely clear.

0:26:460:26:49

I'm not having a pop at the people

0:26:490:26:51

who check you in or check you out at hotels.

0:26:510:26:53

People who've welcomed me to hotels, and out of them,

0:26:530:26:56

have always been very lovely.

0:26:560:26:58

-Mmm.

-It's the process, and it's how long it takes.

0:26:580:27:02

I don't understand why I have to stand for hours...

0:27:020:27:09

watching someone type.

0:27:090:27:10

I've booked a hotel.

0:27:110:27:13

I've given all of my details when I booked the hotel,

0:27:130:27:16

so when I arrive, this is what should happen -

0:27:160:27:19

"Hello." "Hello."

0:27:190:27:21

-"What is your name?" "It's Greg Davies."

-MIMICS TYPING CLACK

0:27:210:27:25

"Ah, here's your key. It's up there."

0:27:250:27:28

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:280:27:31

-I don't know what...

-TYPING CLACKS

0:27:330:27:35

"Can you fill this form in?" "No, I've given you the details."

0:27:350:27:37

"Oh, all right, then."

0:27:370:27:40

It took me years of standing there watching

0:27:400:27:43

until I finally looked behind.

0:27:430:27:44

She didn't have a keyboard.

0:27:440:27:46

She had little castanets.

0:27:480:27:50

And checking out...

0:27:530:27:55

I've stopped checking out, and I encourage...

0:27:550:27:58

I want the nation to join me.

0:27:580:28:00

You don't have to check out.

0:28:000:28:02

-No.

-What?!

-I walk past now...

-I agree.

-I agree.

0:28:020:28:05

I walk past the desk with my card, I put it on the side,

0:28:050:28:07

and you can see them go...

0:28:070:28:10

ready with the castanets, and I go, "Bye."

0:28:100:28:13

"Are you checking out?" I go, "I just have!"

0:28:150:28:18

APPLAUSE

0:28:180:28:21

Even better, you don't even have to give them the card.

0:28:230:28:25

You can just walk straight out.

0:28:250:28:27

Oh, no. You've got to give them the card.

0:28:270:28:29

-Why have you got to give them the card?

-Recycling.

0:28:290:28:31

Every time you don't hand back a hotel card,

0:28:310:28:35

a dolphin dies.

0:28:350:28:37

The worst thing is, when you do check in,

0:28:380:28:40

and you've had all that rigmarole of checking in, you get your card,

0:28:400:28:43

you're on the 17th floor, you queue up for the lift,

0:28:430:28:46

you get in the lift, you eventually get to the 17th floor,

0:28:460:28:48

you find the room - it's always very confusing which way is your room -

0:28:480:28:51

you get to the door, and the key doesn't work!

0:28:510:28:55

-Yeah.

-How many times has that happened? Oh!

0:28:550:28:58

APPLAUSE

0:28:580:29:00

I fear it's going to happen a lot more for us after tonight.

0:29:010:29:05

I've got so many problems with hotels, I tell you.

0:29:050:29:08

The duvets are the thinnest duvets anyone has ever...

0:29:080:29:13

It's like sleeping under low-lying cloud.

0:29:130:29:16

Tell you what I don't like, though.

0:29:170:29:19

I don't like turning the... trying to run a bath,

0:29:190:29:21

turning the single tap and getting my arm soaked by the shower.

0:29:210:29:25

That's so true.

0:29:260:29:27

I don't like trying to plug my phone in at night to charge it,

0:29:270:29:31

-and the only socket being near the corridor.

-The other side.

0:29:310:29:35

There's one where you don't get a lever, you get dials within dials.

0:29:350:29:39

One of them makes it really hot, one makes that water come down,

0:29:390:29:43

one puts the tap on. Then there's the thing you use to wash your hair,

0:29:430:29:47

that'll come on.

0:29:470:29:48

Someone sold those to hotels and hotels said,

0:29:480:29:51

"Yeah, this is a brilliant design. And we'll have the trouser press."

0:29:510:29:55

And those little metal teapots where the tea just comes

0:29:550:29:59

pouring out the lid.

0:29:590:30:01

"We'll have 1,000 of those."

0:30:010:30:04

I hate that thing when there are things out -

0:30:060:30:10

chocolate and fruit -

0:30:100:30:12

and you're not quite sure whether they're free.

0:30:120:30:15

The anxiety...

0:30:160:30:18

I will say to the man, "Are these things free?"

0:30:180:30:21

and if I'm with my girlfriend, she's always going...but I need to know.

0:30:210:30:26

I went into one room and they left me a bottle of champagne.

0:30:260:30:30

Well, I'm a recovering alcoholic.

0:30:300:30:33

And I thought, I'm not wasting this. The same room had a bidet.

0:30:330:30:37

And I thought, "Here's a unique opportunity."

0:30:370:30:41

LAUGHTER

0:30:410:30:43

I left there with my manhood smelling like a lottery winner.

0:30:430:30:47

What I don't like is when they say, "Can I help you with your luggage?"

0:30:530:30:57

So they carry it, and then they want, like, £2 or £3 tip.

0:30:570:31:01

You're not helping me, are you? That's not help.

0:31:010:31:04

I don't call that help.

0:31:040:31:05

They're basically saying,

0:31:050:31:07

"I'll show you how to open and close your curtains if you give me £3."

0:31:070:31:11

Or £5, depending on who the person is.

0:31:110:31:15

-Yeah.

-£3 is a bit mean, innit?

0:31:150:31:17

Well, I stay at quite small hotels, generally.

0:31:170:31:20

No, I do, because they're more excited to have me.

0:31:200:31:23

I once checked into a room. I'd done a gig and I checked into a hotel

0:31:260:31:30

at 1.30 in the morning and the blinds were closed

0:31:300:31:33

on the reception. So I was knocking on the blinds, like this.

0:31:330:31:37

Then I saw there was a phone so I rang the phone, I heard it ring

0:31:370:31:41

the other side of the blind.

0:31:410:31:44

This man opened it up. He had a suit on but nothing underneath the jacket.

0:31:440:31:50

Sort of Frankenstein's monster.

0:31:500:31:53

He'd been sleeping in the reception. That's where he slept

0:31:530:31:57

and I woke him up with the phone.

0:31:570:31:59

He checked me in and I said, "I need a room. I need a taxi

0:31:590:32:03

"in the morning at 7.30 so can you book it for me?"

0:32:030:32:06

And he phoned and he went, "What?! What?!

0:32:060:32:11

"Oh, all right." He put the phone down and went...

0:32:110:32:17

I said... This was at 1.30 in the morning. I said, "What's wrong?"

0:32:170:32:20

He said, "I just accidentally phoned someone in their room."

0:32:200:32:23

So, Adil's choice.

0:32:290:32:32

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

-Ooh!

0:32:380:32:41

I knew this wasn't going to be popular, but it is ketchup.

0:32:410:32:44

I just find the thing vile. It's so overpowering.

0:32:440:32:48

I mean, it's like, you know,

0:32:480:32:50

I don't see the point of having any food at all -

0:32:500:32:53

just have the ketchup,

0:32:530:32:54

because it takes over the flavour of any chips you might get.

0:32:540:32:57

I mean, that's the reason why you go to a late night kebab joint

0:32:570:33:00

and he'll make sure he's put lots of ketchup on it,

0:33:000:33:03

because he doesn't want to let you taste

0:33:030:33:04

how badly prepared the food is.

0:33:040:33:06

I just think it's a real vile, vile thing

0:33:060:33:09

that overtakes and overpowers decent, quality food.

0:33:090:33:12

Either you should eat better or not eat ketchup.

0:33:120:33:15

Wow! FAINT APPLAUSE

0:33:160:33:20

No real enthusiasm with that applause.

0:33:200:33:23

The trouble is with this is

0:33:230:33:25

that ketchup tastes better than most food.

0:33:250:33:29

Well, eat better food!

0:33:290:33:31

No. There is no better food.

0:33:310:33:33

There is better food! Cook better.

0:33:330:33:35

I don't think, "Oh, I fancy some chips."

0:33:350:33:38

-I think, "I fancy some ketchup."

-Just have the ketchup!

0:33:380:33:40

What am I going to use to transport it to my mouth?

0:33:400:33:44

I think the mistake people make is that they put it on fast food.

0:33:450:33:49

They put it on chips and burgers and stuff, and they taste great anyway.

0:33:490:33:54

What you need to do is put it on healthy food, which tastes terrible.

0:33:540:33:58

Let me give you... If you took, like, a healthy plate of stuff,

0:33:580:34:02

like lettuce and stuff, nobody likes that.

0:34:020:34:06

Nobody.

0:34:060:34:08

But, you take lettuce, you put a bit of...

0:34:080:34:11

-Ugh.

-There you go. Better.

0:34:120:34:15

Oh, dear!

0:34:150:34:18

What have you become, Mr Skinner?

0:34:180:34:20

-That's really nice.

-Oh!

0:34:200:34:22

APPLAUSE

0:34:240:34:27

My mother, she's a real good cook

0:34:280:34:30

and if you know anything about Asian cooking, it takes such a long time,

0:34:300:34:33

it's delicate, and it's all the spices, all the preparation.

0:34:330:34:37

You marinate it, you leave it in the fridge for four hours.

0:34:370:34:40

She does this, and she loves doing it,

0:34:400:34:41

and she'll do this all day, and the family will come round,

0:34:410:34:44

my uncles and my cousins will come round.

0:34:440:34:46

She'll bring out this biryani and samosas

0:34:460:34:49

and these lovely, fine kebabs,

0:34:490:34:50

serve onto the table, they'll turn around and go,

0:34:500:34:53

"Oh, they're nice. Have you got any ketchup?"

0:34:530:34:55

I mean, that's horrible! My poor mother slaves,

0:34:550:34:58

and they just want to devour this thing with ketchup!

0:34:580:35:01

I don't use condiments much, because I'm a Catholic.

0:35:010:35:04

We have a clip.

0:35:070:35:09

There was a competition staged

0:35:090:35:11

to come up with an inventive way of putting ketchup on food

0:35:110:35:15

and two American guys came up with this.

0:35:150:35:18

This is pretty impressive stuff.

0:35:180:35:20

APPLAUSE

0:35:480:35:51

Fine dining at its best, isn't it?

0:35:530:35:56

When you put ketchup on chips, do you go all over the chips,

0:35:560:36:00

or are you one of those people who does a little pool at the side?

0:36:000:36:03

-On the side, a little pool.

-Oh, do you?

0:36:030:36:05

-Always on the side.

-You've really got sophisticated.

0:36:050:36:08

-But not on shepherd's pie and that. Then that goes over it.

-No.

0:36:080:36:11

You see, I love going all over the chips,

0:36:110:36:13

and then I'll look and there's the chip that's completely covered,

0:36:130:36:16

-the one that's completely escaped it.

-Yeah.

0:36:160:36:18

But the people who put it... I don't like...

0:36:190:36:22

This is the sort of thing we're talking about.

0:36:220:36:24

You put it on the side like this.

0:36:240:36:26

If I've got egg and chips and that, then I'll do that, yeah.

0:36:260:36:29

To me, this looks like an artist's palette, you know,

0:36:290:36:32

with the pool of... You could imagine,

0:36:320:36:34

if you could get your thumb through the...

0:36:340:36:37

You could paint.

0:36:390:36:40

See if I can...

0:36:430:36:44

So, you could actually... You could paint.

0:36:470:36:50

This won't take a minute. I do this quite a lot at home.

0:36:540:36:57

Hold it. Just the finishing touch.

0:36:580:37:01

What do you think?

0:37:020:37:04

APPLAUSE

0:37:050:37:07

-Not bad.

-Very good.

0:37:070:37:09

And in fact, just for you, just to make it that little bit...

0:37:090:37:14

-You can have this for your home, Adil.

-Oh, thank you very much.

0:37:140:37:18

Very cool. Very cool.

0:37:180:37:20

OK.

0:37:230:37:25

So, we come to the end,

0:37:250:37:27

and I can't put ketchup in.

0:37:270:37:30

I just can't put ketchup in, because it brings such joy to the people,

0:37:300:37:34

and your basic argument seemed to be that you don't like it.

0:37:340:37:38

Yeah!

0:37:380:37:39

Katie, I cannot put people without talent on talent shows in,

0:37:420:37:47

because you're such good company.

0:37:470:37:50

No, I think part of the joy of it is seeing people who are...

0:37:530:37:56

It's like a karaoke night.

0:37:560:37:58

Some people are brilliant and some people are terrible,

0:37:580:38:00

and I like that mix, I must say.

0:38:000:38:03

But, Greg, I don't see why we can't just walk in, press a button,

0:38:030:38:07

go to our rooms, walk out, press a button and leave.

0:38:070:38:09

Wouldn't life be simpler?

0:38:090:38:11

And then, the people at the desk would be able to do

0:38:110:38:14

more fun and interesting things...

0:38:140:38:15

-I agree.

-..than badger us for our personal details.

0:38:150:38:18

-So, I am going to put check-ins and check-outs...

-Yes!

0:38:180:38:22

..into Room 101.

0:38:220:38:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:230:38:26

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:38:330:38:36

Well done, Greg, you were the most persuasive guest,

0:38:360:38:38

-so you are this week's winner.

-Thank you.

-Well done.

0:38:380:38:41

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:410:38:43

Thanks very much, Greg Davies, Katie Price and Adil Ray,

0:38:430:38:48

and thank you, goodnight.

0:38:480:38:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:490:38:52

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