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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
the show where three guests compete to get their pet hates exiled
for ever to the dreaded vault.
Let's meet this week's guests.
Joining me tonight are queen of the dance floor Claudia Winkleman,
king of the questions John Humphrys, and joker in the pack Russell Kane.
And so to another instalment of Game Of Moans.
It was. It was good. I know, it was good.
No, don't go too far.
OK. So, what is John's choice?
Go, Johnny. Go, Johnny.
-I've lost already, haven't I?
It's all over. Whooping in audiences.... Shall I leave now?
-Come on, that was pretty good by the audience. Fair play.
Straight in there.
It's awful. Do you know what?
You're not going to believe this.
It'll shock you to the very core of your being, Frank, my dear fellow.
Gardeners' Question Time on Radio 4. Hallowed institution.
-Any of you listen to it?
-Of course you do.
I'm so regretting this.
All the things I could have put in...
Anyway, Gardeners' Question Time, at the end of the programme, somebody
in a Radio 4 audience, the home service of the BBC, went, "Whoo!"
I mean, it wasn't a big one.
You know, but it was a... it was a...
It might have been an owl.
-That is...that is hard to...
-It is. And I thought, "That's it. It's all over."
I never get whoops.
Do you ever get whoops, Russell, when you're on stage?
-When you first walk on...
-No, I never get whoops.
A whoop and cheer. That staring, menacing silence.
For me a good reception is
if they're all generally looking in my direction.
What about a nativity, and your child...
and it's absolutely brilliant.
Is it just not...
Oh, God, no. You don't applaud them at all.
I mean, children have to be brought up to face the real world, and
if you start applauding them, where will it all...? They'll expect it.
I think I would have whooped at THE Nativity.
Oh, yeah. God, yeah.
I think that's fair enough. Quite a big event.
And she's a virgin. Amazing.
One of the things I do like is when an audience... When they're
quiet, but they've taken the trouble to write signs, so they can
do it beautifully in silence, but make quite interesting points.
-Are you aware of this phenomenon?
This is a woman cheering the crowds on in an American marathon.
-That's better than any whoop.
I think that's fantastic.
I went to the London Marathon.
You know people have their names on their back so you can cheer them?
I shouted "Flora" about five times before I worked out...
And this one, incredibly, is at an ice hockey game.
That's quite advanced irony for an American.
That's so funny.
Do you know what I find produces a whoop from a British audience,
because of our humour?
It's when something goes wrong.
Like one of the best gigs I've ever had was when I fell off stage,
and as soon as I got back up, everyone was like, "I know it's wrong, because he's crippled
"and he'll never perform again,
but that is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
"Whoo! His leg's broken".
I've been in what I would like to call show business
for nearly 30 years, but without doubt the biggest cheer
I ever got was when I dropped my full tray in the school dinner hall.
-That's what I'm talking about.
-That's exactly right.
-It was deafening. Deafening.
-When you're on holiday, you learn the
hard way it's not culturally normal to cheer when a glass is dropped.
If you're in Italy, "Way-hey! Pick it up, you idiot.
"Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry, sorry."
-"My glass is destroyed. It makes no sense. Why you cheering?"
Where we come from, we cheer at disaster because we're so uptight.
We love it.
It is a beautiful thing, this.
You know when they talk about someone working a crowd?
This is a small child who realises what that concept is all about.
Frank, that is so disappointing!
I was waiting for the point at which the steam roller came on
Just one last clip from America I have to show.
This is how to guarantee an ecstatic response from an audience.
We've all tried to get that, but this, absolutely guaranteed.
-This is Oprah Winfrey, showing how it's done.
Cue the drum roll. All right, open your boxes.
Open your boxes. One, two, three.
You get a car. You get a car.
You get a car. You get a car.
Everybody gets a car.
Everybody gets a car!
Simple as that.
Look at John's face. Horrified.
-Yeah. We're going to try it on Today next week.
We're certainly not trying it tonight.
LAUGHTER AND BOOING
-That's how to do it.
-Yeah. That's class.
-It's pretty special, I must say.
OK, then. Let's find out what's winding up Russell Kane.
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
This genuinely wasn't planned.
This is one thing I would like to put in Room 101,
is men who get grumpier with age.
Not because I've got any problems with these men,
although it would be nice to be around men in their 50s,
60s and 70s who are happy all the time.
It's just that I think men would be healthier, happier creatures,
if we weren't so miserable. Most men - not all men.
Now and again you do see a happy old man, but it...it's something you stop and point at in the street.
You see like a Norman Wisdom, "Look at that happy old man. It's amazing."
"I don't know. I don't know what the secret is. I've always been like it."
Most men are walking along, going, "Why am I alive?"
Some men get so miserable they can only laugh, you know, if they
see, I don't know, if they see a car written off on the M25 motorway.
"Look at the state of that Jaguar.
"That'll never run again. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
We live, men of this country, five to seven years less than women.
-Doesn't happen in every country.
And my theory... It's women cheering! My theory is this.
We think ourselves to death. Yeah?
The less happy you are, the less likely you are to live a long and happy life.
Lonely people die before. Now, we know that on the whole, women
tend to be - not always - more emotionally connected than men.
If they've got a problem, they get their friends over.
"Hey, I got Claud over. I got Tess over. We talked about the problem.
"There wasn't a solution, but we lit a candle, and do you know? I feel better just for talking about it."
-Because that's how it works.
Whereas men will be like, "I have a problem.
"I'm going to hold it inside till it's a diamond then poo it out and die".
Now, the evidence is, in cultures
like parts of Sicily, Sardinia, Japan, where there
are villages where men can't sort of do that isolation thing,
"I need time on my own", and the houses are full of aunts and grandmas
and daughters, the men's mortality rate equalises with the women.
We are literally, by being grumpy, thinking ourselves to death.
We go, "I'm not going to speak to anyone".
Heart attack, death at 60, leaving behind a generation of women,
relatively young these days, who then have to pretend to grieve.
"How will I survive without the miserable sod? What a disaster."
"How will I go on without Barry mocking my parking? How will I survive?
"You can park for ever in the crematorium. Goodbye, Barry."
End of point.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Um, so your theory is that women are happier as they get older.
-Statistically they are.
Without getting too macabre and...
-I think women get quite grumpy as they...
-Yes, I would agree with that.
I'm going on the stats.
This is anecdotal evidence,
but I was once in St Mark's Square in Venice, and I'd already been
bitten by a mosquito the previous day, and it had gone... I'd had
a reaction to it and it had swollen into a sort of Scooby-Doo type lump.
And I was sitting in St Mark's Square
and another mosquito came and bit me on the end of the same lump.
And that is the only time I've ever seen my girlfriend truly happy.
She wept. She wept with laughter.
It was like a different person. Her face changed.
So I'm not sure it's generally true about women not getting...
I'm not... I'm saying it's mostly true for our culture.
The other interesting thing about... You know when you try to meditate and try and get in the moment?
A woman can go, "Do you know what? That's over there, that's over there, but I'm here".
Better than a man, who's like, "That's over there. I'm thinking about it.
"I'm going to let it ruin my day, focusing on what's coming tomorrow."
"Come back to the present moment." "I can't. I'm a man. I'm focused on the misery in the future."
That's something else we can work on.
Or you could set about finding a different group of men to associate with.
Well, I'd have to emigrate, unfortunately, to Sardinia.
-Yeah, right. Good.
Yeah, John is actually offering to sponsor you on that.
It's that kind of hatred that's taking years off your life, John.
Well, we have video evidence that old men do sometimes enjoy themselves.
Look at this man having the time of his life.
ROCK N ROLL MUSIC
MAN ROARS IN TIME TO MUSIC
You see, you're thinking lovely old guy,
I'm thinking benefit cheat.
Actually, here's an interesting...
This is the idea of using age as a punishment.
There's a barber in America who offers,
if your child has been naughty, as a punishment he will give him
the haircut of a middle-aged man.
-Honestly. Honestly. Look.
..who looks quite a sweet kid. He was a bit naughty.
His mum took him in for this.
It's absolutely true.
That is fantastic.
Is that true? He just didn't go bald overnight or something?
And let's have a look at Claudia's choice.
Yeah. I know.
I don't like summer.
I don't like what it does to people.
Like, normal people, suddenly it gets a tiny bit sunny, "Ooh!"
Out comes some paisley, weird maxi-dress.
People's toes... I don't approve of flip-flops.
I don't like the communal joy, really.
I don't like a picnic.
I don't like the fact that it's even a bit warm, and they're lying out.
"Come on." I don't like the clothes.
I like wearing a high-neck,
heather-grey coat with a knee-length boot.
I like marching through a bit of rain.
I like spring. I like autumn.
I think summer is a nonsense.
Two people applauded.
You must like flying ant day.
One day there's no flying ants, and then they're just everywhere.
-I mean, it's incredible.
I'm not saying it has to be freezing cold all the time.
I don't mind an open-neck...
Like, if you want to wear a short-sleeve T-shirt, I'm not
going to argue with you, in May, but then suddenly it's August.
People are wearing a cropped top, and it's all the happiness,
I don't like it.
Is it the happiness that really gets you? People looking happy.
John's warming to this one.
I've got him.
I like a bit of shade, but I never understand.
If you go abroad, often people will carry an umbrella if it's a hot day.
It's very sensible, but there's something about
in Britain people think, "No, that's for rain.
"I'm not using that". I tell you what I take.
If it's a really bright day, this is what I use for shade.
I need one of those.
That would get me through the summer.
Oh, this is so... I'm so cool now under here.
What about... Would you wear this on the beach?
Oh! No! That's so wrong.
-He's so wrong as well.
-That is so tacky.
I can't believe he's wearing a marijuana necklace.
Well, I know you're a boots lady.
These are.... Now, you can send away
your cowboy boots to a place in America,
and they turn them into summer-wear.
That's the best thing I've ever seen.
There you go. I don't know.
I've gone a bit Tales Of Beatrix Potter as I demonstrate.
You look like you're about to Riverdance.
Yeah. They really let the air...
-Yes. See, am I winning you over?
I'm going to go one last thing.
This is someone really enjoying the sun,
summertime on a beautiful beach in the Maldives.
-'There's everything you need on the island.
'Sun, sea, sand and...'
Cheers. If you're like me,
nice slice of pizza!
I was so bad at that show.
Do you know that you have to say certain things on a holiday programme?
You had to use certain intonation.
If you said, "This cost £5," they would go, "This cost...£5."
Does that make it sound cheaper? Is that the idea?
It just sounds more exciting, apparently.
You can get on the tram...for £4.
-You know what, it's working!
-Where's the tram?
Politicians could do that. They could have that special voice, couldn't they?
We're going to take away...
all your benefits!
And next Thursday, will be declaring war on...
Anyway. Summer. I must admit, I know what you mean.
I know what you mean about summer.
I don't like...you know that sweat... Well, you wouldn't.
I hate it.
I also... I enjoy grumpiness in old men so much,
I don't know why they haven't made a TV show about it.
There's something lovely about miserable people.
You have to have that mix of light and dark.
No-one loves applause more than I do.
I spend my whole life more or less begging for it.
But whooping, I have to say, I think it's gone too far.
It's fine in America, but here it just feels wrong.
So I am going to put whooping audiences into Room 101.
AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND APPLAUDS
OK, then, on with the next round.
And let's have a look at John's choice.
People who begin sentences with "so".
Ask me a question. Any question you like.
John, how are you feeling at the moment?
So, I was thinking this morning that I might go for
a run and then I decided I probably wouldn't.
Do people do that?
So, I think you'll find that they do it all the time.
So, I can explain to you why, if you'd like me to, why it happens.
-So, it's because the people who do it are thick as two short planks.
That is a technical phrase.
They always do it because, I think, it's because they can.
Because they're sort of saying to the audience,
I know you're a bit thick,
so I'll say "so" and then gradually introduce you to the magnificent
workings of my brain and then I will tell you what I think about this.
And it happens all the time.
-I mean, all the time.
It drives me insane.
It is... Look, it's not going to change the world...
But, God, it would be nice not to be irritated.
I'm feeling a little bit like a grumpy old man, if I may say!
I must... LAUGHTER
-So that's it, "so" in front of sentences.
OK. I blame John Lennon.
# So this is Christmas... #
It can't be worse than "like", as in,
"Like, I was out the other day, like.
"And, like, my friends were there.
The thing about "like" if that that is just plain stupid.
But more importantly, it's what kids do.
And that's all right.
I'm completely relaxed about kids having their own language.
-Didn't we all?
-And that's fine.
In fact, it's probably good,
because what they are doing is they are trying to exclude adults.
Totes. Totes, man, totes, totes.
John Humphrys just said "sick" to me!
And that... That's all fine.
But the people who do the "so" thing and the historic present tense
and all that sort of thing,
the people who do that do it from a position of some kind of
assumed superiority, which I find irritating.
-So there's a condescension built in?
I remember my girlfriend...
This is absolutely true.
My girlfriend said to me once, "So, why is there a wig in our bed?"
Why was there, Frank?
Well, what I'd done is, I had done a very foolish comedy sketch
that day with a horrible nylon wig and they said to me,
the make-up woman said to me,
we'll never use that again, you can keep it.
So I thought, I'll put it in the bed as a joke,
she'll think it's some sort of animal.
She got into the bed, she went to bed before me -
I let her go so the joke would work.
She never mentioned it. CLAUDIA LAUGHS
I got in, she still hadn't mentioned it. I got into bed,
the light went off for about a minute and then she said, "So...
"Why was there a wig in our bed?
And I said, "Well, clearly, that is a joke.
"If I'm going to have an affair,
"I'm not going to have an affair with someone who would wear that wig!"
"And then go home without it!"
Right, so I will just...
To end this, I just want to show one clip which illustrates how
wrong a programme can be if "so" is overused.
So, let's have our first contender...
-So, close first round.
-Let's have a look...
So, the general knowledge round...
So, lots of people... So, let's get on with the show.
She has held on to that led.
Let's have a look at the scores.
What a hypocrite! Unbelievable!
AUDIENCE WHOOP AND CHEER
Well, well, well.
I'm trying so hard to laugh at that and I want to kill you.
OK, let's go to Russell Kane's choice.
I do realise I'm contradicting myself here,
when I've been all happy but... over-friendly people on holiday.
When I go on holiday, I don't know if it's a British thing,
in fact, come to think of it, it is!
Whenever you see German people on holiday, or American people
or French people, they seem to be drawn to other people of their kind.
"There are some more French people over there, we'll hang with them.
But British people, on the whole, when we go away with
a group or a couple, we want to keep ourselves to ourselves.
The thought of an over-friendly couple latching onto us while
we are away, fills most of us with unfriendly horror.
And anyone that doesn't identify with that, you are those freaks!
Leave us alone, right!
I don't even want to speak to the person I'm on holiday with,
let alone... "Oh, it's Mark and Carol from yesterday. Coo-oo!"
"For God's sake! Oh, you found us!"
-I just don't want to be latched on to by over-friendly people.
-They need to do one.
You see, I...I wouldn't like to be anywhere
where there were no British people at all,
in case I didn't get recognised.
I agree, but you mustn't make eye contact. It's like netball -
if anybody here has played netball...
I was in... Just don't...
The key is - no eye contact.
You don't make eye contact when you play netball?
That's how you don't get the ball. It's genius.
Ah! That is clever, isn't it?
Yeah. I played every match - I've never touched the netball.
-Never touched it in my life. I don't know what it feels like.
Is there a reason why they kept you on the team?
No, I don't know why! My mum made sandwiches.
One thing I find that helps to keep... I read this at poolside.
-I would take that.
-It really helps, I must say.
Anyway, what's Claudia's choice?
Well, now I feel bad, because you have...you know,
you're all... you're all sporting foreheads.
My head looks something like a light bulb.
It looks like my neck has had a really good idea.
No, look, it's adorable.
Yours is adorable, but the others need to go.
Well, I haven't seen my forehead since '86.
-Are you sure you've got one?
I don't know what's up there. Squirrels. Um, Lego.
I don't... I don't know.
Can we look?
We were hoping you had a small string at the side that you pull.
-I don't think you want to see.
-I do, badly.
-Is it the same colour as the rest of your face?
Just a really pale forehead. Put it down, put it down!
That's an interesting take, Russell. Um...
She was about to show us. Do we want to see?
-Are you ready?
-I am ready, yeah. More than ready.
You're going to need to hold hands for this.
I mean, that's disgusting. Let's pretend that never happened.
It just feels like a large...
Like, already that is making me very nervous.
If you put a fringe on this human,
suddenly I want to go out with him, I want to share chicken.
Let's get married.
I don't like the... Just, there's a veiny, big arena of skin,
like, open skin, and soon my fringe will just sweep...
I would like to part it in order to speak, and then release.
So, yeah, I don't like a forehead.
I knew a guy in Birmingham who had "Death to all skinheads"
tattooed on his forehead.
I always assumed you'd got something similar
and that was what you were hiding.
But if men had fringes like that, especially men of...ahem.
How can I put this? A certain age, um...cover the wrinkles.
It would be good. Cover their wrinkles, make them more...
-Let's try it.
What do you think?
-That's what I'm saying.
-I couldn't... I couldn't...
What's it worth? Can I...?
Are you sure that's a head wig?
Well, if it isn't, it fits perfectly.
We have a picture of you on the town with your fringe, as it were.
I'm never on the town.
Well, it's at the GQ awards, which I'd say... Look at that.
Never looked better, right? Never looked better.
I tell you what, it looks like when someone doesn't quite
get into the lift before the doors close.
That's the face you see.
I stand by that that is better than a forehead,
and that's why it should go into Room 101.
OK, well, look, this won't take long.
Yes, it's annoying when they start sentences with "So..."
and yes, I don't like it when they're over-friendly on holiday,
but foreheads goes straight into Room 101.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so we move on.
Let's see what Russell has got up his sleeve.
Yeah. Fussy eaters. That's what I want to put in.
One of the sentences I hate most in the world is,
"I don't like it." Particularly if you go, "Have you tried it?"
"No, I just know I won't like it."
It really annoys me.
We are privileged to live in a wealthy country.
We're lucky to have food.
Fussy eating is not a natural state of affairs. No, it isn't.
"When I was little, my mum tried giving me spinach,
"but I would eject it out and I would only eat potato waffles."
It's a lot of nonsense.
I was brought up with a method that will lead to people being unfussy.
My mum did this technique.
"There's your dinner. Brussels sprouts. Nice balanced meal.
"Bit of mince..."
"Right, I'm not eating it. Don't like sprouts."
"OK. You can go and play." There was no punishment.
There was no dessert.
Next day, "I'm still not eating it". OK, no punishment.
By day three you're starting to get a little bit peckish, yeah?
By day four, "Where are those Brussels sprouts, Mama?
"They look tasty", because you can feel your ribs.
What it's called is - you get what you're given. Right?
And you learn to be unfussy.
Funny how it doesn't crop up in countries
that don't have enough food.
"I cannot eat the goat meat. I want a potato waffle."
We're lucky to be where we are.
Fussy eaters need to go in Room 101. I rest my case.
I think it's such a strong argument, because it has to stop.
It really has to stop.
When I was single, that would be it - first date, finished. Finished.
"I don't like it. I don't eat vegetables.
"I don't like this. I don't like that,"
Really? Would you like a taxi home - instantly?!
My problem is with sweets. That's the one that gets me,
because you'd think with sweets everyone is happy.
You offer someone sweets, say if they're,
like, Fruit Gums, Fruit Pastilles, and if there's a green one or
a yellow one on the top of the tube, they'll say, "Oh, I'll wait."
How do you feel about allergies?
People who can't eat wheat, gluten...
Allergies is completely different.
Obviously if you can't physically eat something,
that's completely different.
I'm talking about, "I don't like spinach."
They're the same kids that don't sit in a high chair
in a restaurant as well.
"We tried, but it was like his back was reacting, so we've released
"him into the restaurant to spoil everyone else's dining experience."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm going to have to put myself in this category,
because I will eat... I like to think of myself as a man
who'll eat anything, but I have... there is one limitation.
Something that I just - I won't take on.
It's the... It's that little end nodule.
No parent could have forced me to eat that.
Anyway, what's Claudia's choice?
Yeah. Oh, come on. We had a deal - you were going to be on my side.
I only went once, but here's the thing.
You have to wake up early.
You put on genuinely the most disgusting clothes you've
ever seen in your life.
Padded, multicoloured - this one's got a picture of a rat on it.
This has got stripes and circles. Anyway, salopettes.
Then you have to put on these massive things,
which we shouldn't be wearing.
Huge metal things that you can't walk in.
Then you go on the ski lift.
That alone is terrifying.
I was just like this, holding on.
Went round it for seven days. No, come on.
Then you physically exert yourself.
Why would anybody ever do that? You go down.
It's incredibly dangerous. Slushy.
Then you have to take it off.
At the end there's some sort of revolting alcohol that makes
people, you know, throw up in their boots.
I don't understand skiing. Why does anybody go skiing?
It's a gazillion pounds. You smell of cheese.
I mean, I admit, I do associate it with the super-cool
and the super-beautiful, and that's why I sort of like it,
because I like the idea of them putting themselves in grave danger.
But I've never been.
It's always seemed like something that other people do, I must admit.
And it's all lip-gloss. They've all got lip-gloss on.
-Straight mouth, and...
Nobody spends any time with their kids.
"In you go. In you go, Lucifer. In you go.
"In you go. Good luck. Don't break anything.
"Mummy's going up.
"I'll bring him up. Feed him.
"Feed him. I'll bring him up later."
It's for tools.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Actually, I've got a lovely photo of a man,
my favourite photo ever of a man on a ski lift.
Look at this poor chap. This is genuine.
He slipped in such a way that it ripped down his trousers.
Oh, my God.
Wait for it. Wait for it.
He was there for 15 minutes.
His private parts got so cold they started to operate as wind chimes.
Can I say, he was safe, by the way?
He was OK, so it's all right to laugh.
What about these guys braving the cold weather?
What's incredible about that is they all needed
a plaster in exactly the same place.
So, John, what have you got?
What?! AUDIENCE GROANS
SOLITARY WHOOP Ooh, you've split the crowd.
All professional sport. Not all sport.
-No. All professional sport.
Take yourself back, Frank, to the old days
when you were nobbut a lad, and your local football team -
you have one called, I think, West Ham United.
There's a difference?
Can I tell you, you are not going to win this round?
West Ham, West Brom, they're all the same, aren't they?
They each consist of 11, 15, however, men...
..in a manner of speaking, grossly overpaid, sitting around waiting for
a foreign club to pay them a vast, unimaginable amount of money, so
that they can desert the team that has nurtured them over the years.
This is less true of West Bromwich Albion.
Only, Frank, because it's a rubbish team that hasn't got enough money.
You can't condemn the money,
and then say we're rubbish because we don't have enough.
-Here's the point, Frank.
If some sort of Saudi Arabian oligarch, for instance, just
to think of the sort of person we're all genuinely sympathetic towards,
instinctively, with many billions to spare, decided it was going to...
he was going to buy West Bram, or West Bomb, or whatever it's called,
and said he's going to put £500 billion into it, all of a sudden,
within a year, you'd be the best team in the world,
because of the money.
All of a sudden, gone, finished, pride in your community is all over.
Pride in the players is all over,
because that bloke who's struggling desperately to take his two little
boys to the game can't afford it, obviously, but he's damned if he's
going to let them miss it, knowing that his week's wages has gone
to pay about 30 seconds of the wages
of that overpaid tos... that overpaid...
..gentleman on the pitch, who is failing to put the ball in the net.
Well... I'm still savouring the idea of that big rich Arab coming
and buying the club.
I agree it's getting very, very expensive.
I mean, the amount of money now it costs for a country to
buy the World Cup...
I know what you mean, though, about amateur sport.
There is something about it which is more down to earth.
Take this rodeo, for example.
So, anyway... Well, look, I'm not putting all professional sport in.
What am I going to do with my time?
And fussy eaters, I know what you mean.
-But skiing, it's in!
And that brings us to the end of the show.
Well done, Claudia. You were the most persuasive guest,
so you are tonight's winner!
Thank you very much, Russell Kane, John Humphrys and Claudia Winkleman.
And thank you. Goodnight.