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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:25 | 0:00:27 | |
Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101, | 0:00:32 | 0:00:37 | |
the show where three guests compete to get their pet hates exiled | 0:00:37 | 0:00:41 | |
for ever to the dreaded vault. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
Let's meet this week's guests. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
Joining me tonight are queen of the dance floor Claudia Winkleman, | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
king of the questions John Humphrys, and joker in the pack Russell Kane. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:51 | |
And so to another instalment of Game Of Moans. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:05 | 0:01:06 | |
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: -Hey-hey! | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
It was. It was good. I know, it was good. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
SCATTERED APPLAUSE | 0:01:10 | 0:01:11 | |
No, don't go too far. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
OK. So, what is John's choice? | 0:01:13 | 0:01:17 | |
AUDIENCE WHOOPS | 0:01:23 | 0:01:24 | |
Go, Johnny. Go, Johnny. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
-I've lost already, haven't I? -No. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
It's all over. Whooping in audiences.... Shall I leave now? | 0:01:33 | 0:01:37 | |
-No. -Come on, that was pretty good by the audience. Fair play. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
I'll say. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
Straight in there. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:44 | |
It's awful. Do you know what? | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
You're not going to believe this. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:47 | |
It'll shock you to the very core of your being, Frank, my dear fellow. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:51 | |
Gardeners' Question Time on Radio 4. Hallowed institution. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:55 | |
-Any of you listen to it? -Yes. -Of course you do. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: -Whoo! | 0:01:57 | 0:01:58 | |
I'm so regretting this. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
All the things I could have put in... | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
Anyway, Gardeners' Question Time, at the end of the programme, somebody | 0:02:12 | 0:02:17 | |
in a Radio 4 audience, the home service of the BBC, went, "Whoo!" | 0:02:17 | 0:02:25 | |
I mean, it wasn't a big one. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:26 | |
You know, but it was a... it was a... | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
It might have been an owl. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
-That is...that is hard to... -It is. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
-Yeah. -It is. And I thought, "That's it. It's all over." | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
I never get whoops. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:38 | |
Do you ever get whoops, Russell, when you're on stage? | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
-When you first walk on... -No, I never get whoops. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
A whoop and cheer. That staring, menacing silence. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
There's Frank. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:47 | |
For me a good reception is | 0:02:49 | 0:02:50 | |
if they're all generally looking in my direction. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
What about a nativity, and your child... | 0:02:54 | 0:02:58 | |
and it's absolutely brilliant. | 0:02:58 | 0:02:59 | |
Is it just not... | 0:02:59 | 0:03:00 | |
Oh, God, no. You don't applaud them at all. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
I mean, children have to be brought up to face the real world, and | 0:03:05 | 0:03:09 | |
if you start applauding them, where will it all...? They'll expect it. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:13 | |
I think I would have whooped at THE Nativity. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
Oh, yeah. God, yeah. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:16 | |
I think that's fair enough. Quite a big event. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
And she's a virgin. Amazing. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:22 | |
Whoo! | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
One of the things I do like is when an audience... When they're | 0:03:24 | 0:03:28 | |
quiet, but they've taken the trouble to write signs, so they can | 0:03:28 | 0:03:33 | |
do it beautifully in silence, but make quite interesting points. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
-Are you aware of this phenomenon? -No. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
This is a woman cheering the crowds on in an American marathon. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:43 | |
-That's brilliant. -That's better than any whoop. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
I think that's fantastic. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
I went to the London Marathon. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:55 | |
You know people have their names on their back so you can cheer them? | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
I shouted "Flora" about five times before I worked out... | 0:03:58 | 0:04:03 | |
And this one, incredibly, is at an ice hockey game. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:08 | |
That's quite advanced irony for an American. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
That's so funny. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:18 | |
Do you know what I find produces a whoop from a British audience, | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
because of our humour? | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
It's when something goes wrong. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:23 | |
Like one of the best gigs I've ever had was when I fell off stage, | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
and as soon as I got back up, everyone was like, "I know it's wrong, because he's crippled | 0:04:26 | 0:04:30 | |
"and he'll never perform again, | 0:04:30 | 0:04:31 | |
but that is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
"Whoo! His leg's broken". | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
I've been in what I would like to call show business | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
for nearly 30 years, but without doubt the biggest cheer | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
I ever got was when I dropped my full tray in the school dinner hall. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:45 | |
-That's what I'm talking about. -That's exactly right. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
-It was deafening. Deafening. -When you're on holiday, you learn the | 0:04:51 | 0:04:54 | |
hard way it's not culturally normal to cheer when a glass is dropped. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:57 | |
If you're in Italy, "Way-hey! Pick it up, you idiot. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
"Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry, sorry." | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
-ITALIAN ACCENT: -"My glass is destroyed. It makes no sense. Why you cheering?" | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
Where we come from, we cheer at disaster because we're so uptight. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:12 | |
We love it. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:13 | |
It is a beautiful thing, this. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
You know when they talk about someone working a crowd? | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
This is a small child who realises what that concept is all about. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:22 | |
CHEERING | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
CHEERING | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
CHEERING | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
CHEERING | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
Frank, that is so disappointing! | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
I was waiting for the point at which the steam roller came on | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
and went...! | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
BOOING | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
Just one last clip from America I have to show. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:03 | |
This is how to guarantee an ecstatic response from an audience. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:08 | |
We've all tried to get that, but this, absolutely guaranteed. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:12 | |
-This is Oprah Winfrey, showing how it's done. -Oh. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
Cue the drum roll. All right, open your boxes. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:18 | |
Open your boxes. One, two, three. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
ALL SCREAM | 0:06:20 | 0:06:21 | |
You get a car. You get a car. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
You get a car. You get a car. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
Everybody gets a car. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
Everybody gets a car! | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
Simple as that. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:39 | |
Look at John's face. Horrified. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:43 | |
-Yeah. We're going to try it on Today next week. -Yeah. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:46 | |
We're certainly not trying it tonight. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:48 | |
LAUGHTER AND BOOING | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
-That's how to do it. -It's pretty... -Yeah. That's class. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
-It's pretty special, I must say. -Yeah. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
OK, then. Let's find out what's winding up Russell Kane. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
This genuinely wasn't planned. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:20 | |
This is one thing I would like to put in Room 101, | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
is men who get grumpier with age. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
What?! | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
Not because I've got any problems with these men, | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
although it would be nice to be around men in their 50s, | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
60s and 70s who are happy all the time. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
It's just that I think men would be healthier, happier creatures, | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
if we weren't so miserable. Most men - not all men. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:42 | |
Now and again you do see a happy old man, but it...it's something you stop and point at in the street. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:46 | |
You see like a Norman Wisdom, "Look at that happy old man. It's amazing." | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
"I don't know. I don't know what the secret is. I've always been like it." | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
Most men are walking along, going, "Why am I alive?" | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
Some men get so miserable they can only laugh, you know, if they | 0:07:55 | 0:07:59 | |
see, I don't know, if they see a car written off on the M25 motorway. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
"Look at the state of that Jaguar. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
"That'll never run again. Ha-ha-ha-ha!" | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
We live, men of this country, five to seven years less than women. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:12 | |
-Doesn't happen in every country. -AUDIENCE MEMBER: -Whoo! | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
And my theory... It's women cheering! My theory is this. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:19 | |
We think ourselves to death. Yeah? | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
The less happy you are, the less likely you are to live a long and happy life. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:26 | |
Lonely people die before. Now, we know that on the whole, women | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
tend to be - not always - more emotionally connected than men. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
If they've got a problem, they get their friends over. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
"Hey, I got Claud over. I got Tess over. We talked about the problem. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
"There wasn't a solution, but we lit a candle, and do you know? I feel better just for talking about it." | 0:08:36 | 0:08:42 | |
-Whereas men... -Because that's how it works. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
Whereas men will be like, "I have a problem. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
"I'm going to hold it inside till it's a diamond then poo it out and die". | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Now, the evidence is, in cultures | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
like parts of Sicily, Sardinia, Japan, where there | 0:08:53 | 0:08:57 | |
are villages where men can't sort of do that isolation thing, | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
"I need time on my own", and the houses are full of aunts and grandmas | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
and daughters, the men's mortality rate equalises with the women. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:06 | |
We are literally, by being grumpy, thinking ourselves to death. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
We go, "I'm not going to speak to anyone". | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
Heart attack, death at 60, leaving behind a generation of women, | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
relatively young these days, who then have to pretend to grieve. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:17 | |
"How will I survive without the miserable sod? What a disaster." | 0:09:17 | 0:09:21 | |
"How will I go on without Barry mocking my parking? How will I survive? | 0:09:21 | 0:09:25 | |
"You can park for ever in the crematorium. Goodbye, Barry." | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
End of point. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:09:31 | 0:09:32 | |
Um, so your theory is that women are happier as they get older. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:42 | |
-Statistically they are. -Really? | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
Without getting too macabre and... | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
-I think women get quite grumpy as they... -Yes, I would agree with that. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
I'm going on the stats. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:50 | |
This is anecdotal evidence, | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
but I was once in St Mark's Square in Venice, and I'd already been | 0:09:52 | 0:09:57 | |
bitten by a mosquito the previous day, and it had gone... I'd had | 0:09:57 | 0:10:02 | |
a reaction to it and it had swollen into a sort of Scooby-Doo type lump. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:07 | |
And I was sitting in St Mark's Square | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
and another mosquito came and bit me on the end of the same lump. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:14 | |
And that is the only time I've ever seen my girlfriend truly happy. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
She wept. She wept with laughter. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
It was like a different person. Her face changed. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
So I'm not sure it's generally true about women not getting... | 0:10:30 | 0:10:35 | |
I'm not... I'm saying it's mostly true for our culture. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:39 | |
The other interesting thing about... You know when you try to meditate and try and get in the moment? | 0:10:39 | 0:10:43 | |
A woman can go, "Do you know what? That's over there, that's over there, but I'm here". | 0:10:43 | 0:10:47 | |
Better than a man, who's like, "That's over there. I'm thinking about it. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
"I'm going to let it ruin my day, focusing on what's coming tomorrow." | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
"Come back to the present moment." "I can't. I'm a man. I'm focused on the misery in the future." | 0:10:53 | 0:10:58 | |
That's something else we can work on. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
Or you could set about finding a different group of men to associate with. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:05 | |
Well, I'd have to emigrate, unfortunately, to Sardinia. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
-Yeah, right. Good. -LAUGHTER | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
Yeah, John is actually offering to sponsor you on that. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
It's that kind of hatred that's taking years off your life, John. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:22 | |
Well, we have video evidence that old men do sometimes enjoy themselves. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:29 | |
Look at this man having the time of his life. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:33 | |
ROCK N ROLL MUSIC | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
MAN ROARS IN TIME TO MUSIC | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
You see, you're thinking lovely old guy, | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
I'm thinking benefit cheat. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
Actually, here's an interesting... | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
This is the idea of using age as a punishment. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
There's a barber in America who offers, | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
if your child has been naughty, as a punishment he will give him | 0:12:08 | 0:12:12 | |
the haircut of a middle-aged man. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
-No. -Honestly. Honestly. Look. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
-This kid... -Fantastic. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
..who looks quite a sweet kid. He was a bit naughty. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
His mum took him in for this. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:25 | 0:12:26 | |
No. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:29 | |
It's absolutely true. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
That is fantastic. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:35 | |
Is that true? He just didn't go bald overnight or something? | 0:12:35 | 0:12:37 | |
Absolutely true. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:38 | |
And let's have a look at Claudia's choice. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
Yeah. I know. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
I don't like summer. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
I don't like what it does to people. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
Like, normal people, suddenly it gets a tiny bit sunny, "Ooh!" | 0:12:53 | 0:12:57 | |
Out comes some paisley, weird maxi-dress. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:01 | |
People's toes... I don't approve of flip-flops. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
I don't like the communal joy, really. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
I don't like a picnic. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
I don't like the fact that it's even a bit warm, and they're lying out. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:13 | |
"Come on." I don't like the clothes. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
I like wearing a high-neck, | 0:13:15 | 0:13:17 | |
heather-grey coat with a knee-length boot. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
I like marching through a bit of rain. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
I like spring. I like autumn. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
I think summer is a nonsense. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
FAINT APPLAUSE | 0:13:27 | 0:13:28 | |
Two people applauded. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
You must like flying ant day. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
One day there's no flying ants, and then they're just everywhere. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:40 | |
-Yeah. -I mean, it's incredible. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
I'm not saying it has to be freezing cold all the time. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
I don't mind an open-neck... | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
Like, if you want to wear a short-sleeve T-shirt, I'm not | 0:13:47 | 0:13:50 | |
going to argue with you, in May, but then suddenly it's August. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:56 | |
People are wearing a cropped top, and it's all the happiness, | 0:13:56 | 0:14:00 | |
the picnics. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
I don't like it. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
Is it the happiness that really gets you? People looking happy. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
John's warming to this one. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
I've got him. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:11 | |
I like a bit of shade, but I never understand. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:15 | |
If you go abroad, often people will carry an umbrella if it's a hot day. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:21 | |
It's very sensible, but there's something about | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
in Britain people think, "No, that's for rain. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
"I'm not using that". I tell you what I take. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:28 | |
If it's a really bright day, this is what I use for shade. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:32 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:14:37 | 0:14:38 | |
I need one of those. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
That would get me through the summer. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:46 | |
Oh, this is so... I'm so cool now under here. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
Absolutely lovely. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
What about... Would you wear this on the beach? | 0:14:52 | 0:14:55 | |
Oh! No! That's so wrong. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
-He's so wrong as well. -That is so tacky. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
I can't believe he's wearing a marijuana necklace. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
Well, I know you're a boots lady. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
Yeah. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:14 | |
These are.... Now, you can send away | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
your cowboy boots to a place in America, | 0:15:17 | 0:15:21 | |
and they turn them into summer-wear. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
That's the best thing I've ever seen. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
There you go. I don't know. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
I've gone a bit Tales Of Beatrix Potter as I demonstrate. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
You look like you're about to Riverdance. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
Yeah. They really let the air... | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
-Breezy. -Yeah. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
Hello. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:49 | |
Crippling me. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:52 | |
-They're amazing. -Yes. See, am I winning you over? | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
No. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:56 | |
I'm going to go one last thing. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
This is someone really enjoying the sun, | 0:16:00 | 0:16:04 | |
summertime on a beautiful beach in the Maldives. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:08 | |
-CLAUDIA: -'There's everything you need on the island. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
'Sun, sea, sand and...' | 0:16:12 | 0:16:16 | |
Cheers. If you're like me, | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
nice slice of pizza! | 0:16:19 | 0:16:20 | |
Mm. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:23 | |
I was so bad at that show. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:31 | |
Do you know that you have to say certain things on a holiday programme? | 0:16:31 | 0:16:34 | |
You had to use certain intonation. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:35 | |
If you said, "This cost £5," they would go, "This cost...£5." | 0:16:35 | 0:16:40 | |
Does that make it sound cheaper? Is that the idea? | 0:16:40 | 0:16:43 | |
It just sounds more exciting, apparently. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
You can get on the tram...for £4. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
-You know what, it's working! -It is! -Where's the tram? | 0:16:48 | 0:16:52 | |
That's amazing. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:53 | |
Politicians could do that. They could have that special voice, couldn't they? | 0:16:53 | 0:16:57 | |
We're going to take away... | 0:16:57 | 0:16:58 | |
all your benefits! | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
And next Thursday, will be declaring war on... | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
-Iraq! -Hurray! | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
Whoo! | 0:17:07 | 0:17:08 | |
Anyway. Summer. I must admit, I know what you mean. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:17 | |
I know what you mean about summer. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:18 | |
I don't like...you know that sweat... Well, you wouldn't. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:21 | |
I hate it. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:22 | |
I also... I enjoy grumpiness in old men so much, | 0:17:24 | 0:17:28 | |
I don't know why they haven't made a TV show about it. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
There's something lovely about miserable people. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
You have to have that mix of light and dark. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
No-one loves applause more than I do. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:44 | |
I spend my whole life more or less begging for it. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:48 | |
But whooping, I have to say, I think it's gone too far. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:52 | |
It's fine in America, but here it just feels wrong. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
So I am going to put whooping audiences into Room 101. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:58 | |
AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND APPLAUDS | 0:17:58 | 0:18:00 | |
OK, then, on with the next round. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
And let's have a look at John's choice. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
People who begin sentences with "so". | 0:18:23 | 0:18:27 | |
Ask me a question. Any question you like. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
John, how are you feeling at the moment? | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
So, I was thinking this morning that I might go for | 0:18:32 | 0:18:36 | |
a run and then I decided I probably wouldn't. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
Do people do that? | 0:18:39 | 0:18:40 | |
So, I think you'll find that they do it all the time. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:44 | |
So, I can explain to you why, if you'd like me to, why it happens. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:49 | |
-OK. -So, it's because the people who do it are thick as two short planks. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:55 | |
That is a technical phrase. | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
They always do it because, I think, it's because they can. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:05 | |
Because they're sort of saying to the audience, | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
I know you're a bit thick, | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
so I'll say "so" and then gradually introduce you to the magnificent | 0:19:09 | 0:19:16 | |
workings of my brain and then I will tell you what I think about this. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:20 | |
And it happens all the time. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:23 | |
-Yes? -Mm. -I mean, all the time. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
It drives me insane. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:27 | |
It is... Look, it's not going to change the world... | 0:19:27 | 0:19:30 | |
But, God, it would be nice not to be irritated. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:33 | |
I'm feeling a little bit like a grumpy old man, if I may say! | 0:19:33 | 0:19:36 | |
Whoo! | 0:19:36 | 0:19:37 | |
I must... LAUGHTER | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
-Well, I... -So that's it, "so" in front of sentences. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
OK. I blame John Lennon. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
# So this is Christmas... # | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
It can't be worse than "like", as in, | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
"Like, I was out the other day, like. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
"And, like, my friends were there. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
The thing about "like" if that that is just plain stupid. | 0:19:57 | 0:20:01 | |
And... | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
But more importantly, it's what kids do. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
And that's all right. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:07 | |
I'm completely relaxed about kids having their own language. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
-Didn't we all? -Yes. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:11 | |
-Yes. -And that's fine. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:13 | |
In fact, it's probably good, | 0:20:13 | 0:20:14 | |
because what they are doing is they are trying to exclude adults. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:18 | |
Totes. Totes, man, totes, totes. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
Exactly. Sick. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:23 | |
Yeah. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
John Humphrys just said "sick" to me! | 0:20:25 | 0:20:27 | |
And that... That's all fine. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
But the people who do the "so" thing and the historic present tense | 0:20:30 | 0:20:34 | |
and all that sort of thing, | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
the people who do that do it from a position of some kind of | 0:20:36 | 0:20:41 | |
assumed superiority, which I find irritating. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
-So there's a condescension built in? -It's condescension... -Yeah. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
-Perfect word. -Interesting. -Condescension. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
I remember my girlfriend... | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
This is absolutely true. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:52 | |
My girlfriend said to me once, "So, why is there a wig in our bed?" | 0:20:52 | 0:20:56 | |
Why was there, Frank? | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
Well, what I'd done is, I had done a very foolish comedy sketch | 0:21:01 | 0:21:06 | |
that day with a horrible nylon wig and they said to me, | 0:21:06 | 0:21:11 | |
the make-up woman said to me, | 0:21:11 | 0:21:12 | |
we'll never use that again, you can keep it. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
So I thought, I'll put it in the bed as a joke, | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
she'll think it's some sort of animal. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
She got into the bed, she went to bed before me - | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
I let her go so the joke would work. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
She never mentioned it. CLAUDIA LAUGHS | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
I got in, she still hadn't mentioned it. I got into bed, | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
the light went off for about a minute and then she said, "So... | 0:21:28 | 0:21:34 | |
"Why was there a wig in our bed? | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
And I said, "Well, clearly, that is a joke. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:41 | |
"If I'm going to have an affair, | 0:21:41 | 0:21:43 | |
"I'm not going to have an affair with someone who would wear that wig!" | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
"And then go home without it!" | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
Right, so I will just... | 0:21:55 | 0:21:56 | |
To end this, I just want to show one clip which illustrates how | 0:21:56 | 0:22:01 | |
wrong a programme can be if "so" is overused. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:05 | |
So, let's have our first contender... | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
-So, close first round. -Let's have a look... | 0:22:09 | 0:22:13 | |
So, the general knowledge round... | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
So, lots of people... So, let's get on with the show. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
She has held on to that led. | 0:22:17 | 0:22:20 | |
Let's have a look at the scores. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:22 | |
What a hypocrite! Unbelievable! | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
AUDIENCE WHOOP AND CHEER | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
Well, well, well. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
I'm trying so hard to laugh at that and I want to kill you. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:34 | |
OK, let's go to Russell Kane's choice. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
OK... | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
I do realise I'm contradicting myself here, | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
when I've been all happy but... over-friendly people on holiday. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:57 | |
When I go on holiday, I don't know if it's a British thing, | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
in fact, come to think of it, it is! | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
Whenever you see German people on holiday, or American people | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
or French people, they seem to be drawn to other people of their kind. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
"There are some more French people over there, we'll hang with them. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
But British people, on the whole, when we go away with | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
a group or a couple, we want to keep ourselves to ourselves. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
The thought of an over-friendly couple latching onto us while | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
we are away, fills most of us with unfriendly horror. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
And anyone that doesn't identify with that, you are those freaks! | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
Leave us alone, right! | 0:23:26 | 0:23:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
I don't even want to speak to the person I'm on holiday with, | 0:23:29 | 0:23:32 | |
let alone... "Oh, it's Mark and Carol from yesterday. Coo-oo!" | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
"For God's sake! Oh, you found us!" | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
-I just don't want to be latched on to by over-friendly people. -Mm. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
-They need to do one. -Wow. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:44 | |
You see, I...I wouldn't like to be anywhere | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
where there were no British people at all, | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
in case I didn't get recognised. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
I agree, but you mustn't make eye contact. It's like netball - | 0:23:54 | 0:23:57 | |
if anybody here has played netball... | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
I was in... Just don't... | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
The key is - no eye contact. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
You don't make eye contact when you play netball? | 0:24:05 | 0:24:07 | |
That's how you don't get the ball. It's genius. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:10 | |
Ah! That is clever, isn't it? | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
Yeah. I played every match - I've never touched the netball. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
-Never? -Never touched it in my life. I don't know what it feels like. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
Is there a reason why they kept you on the team? | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
No, I don't know why! My mum made sandwiches. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
It's true! | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
One thing I find that helps to keep... I read this at poolside. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
-That's brilliant! -I would take that. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
-That's fantastic. -It really helps, I must say. | 0:24:41 | 0:24:46 | |
Anyway, what's Claudia's choice? | 0:24:46 | 0:24:49 | |
Foreheads. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
Well, now I feel bad, because you have...you know, | 0:24:57 | 0:25:02 | |
you're all... you're all sporting foreheads. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:04 | |
My head looks something like a light bulb. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:07 | |
It looks like my neck has had a really good idea. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
No, look, it's adorable. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
Yours is adorable, but the others need to go. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
Well, I haven't seen my forehead since '86. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
-No-one has. -Are you sure you've got one? | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
I don't know what's up there. Squirrels. Um, Lego. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:29 | |
I don't... I don't know. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
Can we look? | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
We were hoping you had a small string at the side that you pull. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
-I don't think you want to see. -I do, badly. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:40 | |
-Is it the same colour as the rest of your face? -No. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
Just a really pale forehead. Put it down, put it down! | 0:25:43 | 0:25:47 | |
That's an interesting take, Russell. Um... | 0:25:47 | 0:25:51 | |
She was about to show us. Do we want to see? | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Yes! -Come on. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
-Are you ready? -I am ready, yeah. More than ready. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
You're going to need to hold hands for this. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:02 | |
Argh! | 0:26:02 | 0:26:03 | |
I mean, that's disgusting. Let's pretend that never happened. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
It just feels like a large... | 0:26:08 | 0:26:10 | |
Like, already that is making me very nervous. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:14 | |
If you put a fringe on this human, | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
suddenly I want to go out with him, I want to share chicken. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
Let's get married. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:21 | |
I don't like the... Just, there's a veiny, big arena of skin, | 0:26:21 | 0:26:28 | |
like, open skin, and soon my fringe will just sweep... | 0:26:28 | 0:26:33 | |
I would like to part it in order to speak, and then release. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:37 | |
So, yeah, I don't like a forehead. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:39 | |
I knew a guy in Birmingham who had "Death to all skinheads" | 0:26:39 | 0:26:44 | |
tattooed on his forehead. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:45 | |
I always assumed you'd got something similar | 0:26:46 | 0:26:49 | |
and that was what you were hiding. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:51 | |
But if men had fringes like that, especially men of...ahem. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
How can I put this? A certain age, um...cover the wrinkles. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:59 | |
It would be good. Cover their wrinkles, make them more... | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
-Let's try it. -Oh, wow! | 0:27:02 | 0:27:05 | |
Yes! | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:07 | 0:27:08 | |
What do you think? | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
-That's what I'm saying. -I couldn't... I couldn't... | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
What's it worth? Can I...? | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
Are you sure that's a head wig? | 0:27:17 | 0:27:19 | |
Well, if it isn't, it fits perfectly. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
Oh, man. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:29 | |
We have a picture of you on the town with your fringe, as it were. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:33 | |
I'm never on the town. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:34 | |
Well, it's at the GQ awards, which I'd say... Look at that. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
Never looked better, right? Never looked better. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:43 | |
I tell you what, it looks like when someone doesn't quite | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
get into the lift before the doors close. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
That's the face you see. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:51 | |
I stand by that that is better than a forehead, | 0:27:53 | 0:27:57 | |
and that's why it should go into Room 101. | 0:27:57 | 0:28:00 | |
OK, well, look, this won't take long. | 0:28:00 | 0:28:02 | |
Yes, it's annoying when they start sentences with "So..." | 0:28:02 | 0:28:04 | |
and yes, I don't like it when they're over-friendly on holiday, | 0:28:04 | 0:28:07 | |
but foreheads goes straight into Room 101. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 | |
And so we move on. | 0:28:23 | 0:28:25 | |
Let's see what Russell has got up his sleeve. | 0:28:25 | 0:28:28 | |
Yeah. Fussy eaters. That's what I want to put in. | 0:28:31 | 0:28:36 | |
One of the sentences I hate most in the world is, | 0:28:36 | 0:28:38 | |
"I don't like it." Particularly if you go, "Have you tried it?" | 0:28:38 | 0:28:41 | |
"No, I just know I won't like it." | 0:28:41 | 0:28:44 | |
It really annoys me. | 0:28:44 | 0:28:46 | |
We are privileged to live in a wealthy country. | 0:28:46 | 0:28:48 | |
We're lucky to have food. | 0:28:48 | 0:28:50 | |
Fussy eating is not a natural state of affairs. No, it isn't. | 0:28:50 | 0:28:53 | |
"When I was little, my mum tried giving me spinach, | 0:28:53 | 0:28:55 | |
"but I would eject it out and I would only eat potato waffles." | 0:28:55 | 0:28:58 | |
It's a lot of nonsense. | 0:29:00 | 0:29:01 | |
I was brought up with a method that will lead to people being unfussy. | 0:29:01 | 0:29:06 | |
My mum did this technique. | 0:29:06 | 0:29:07 | |
"There's your dinner. Brussels sprouts. Nice balanced meal. | 0:29:07 | 0:29:10 | |
"Bit of mince..." | 0:29:10 | 0:29:11 | |
"Right, I'm not eating it. Don't like sprouts." | 0:29:11 | 0:29:13 | |
"OK. You can go and play." There was no punishment. | 0:29:13 | 0:29:15 | |
There was no dessert. | 0:29:15 | 0:29:16 | |
Next day, "I'm still not eating it". OK, no punishment. | 0:29:16 | 0:29:19 | |
By day three you're starting to get a little bit peckish, yeah? | 0:29:19 | 0:29:23 | |
By day four, "Where are those Brussels sprouts, Mama? | 0:29:23 | 0:29:25 | |
"They look tasty", because you can feel your ribs. | 0:29:25 | 0:29:28 | |
What it's called is - you get what you're given. Right? | 0:29:28 | 0:29:31 | |
And you learn to be unfussy. | 0:29:31 | 0:29:33 | |
Funny how it doesn't crop up in countries | 0:29:33 | 0:29:35 | |
that don't have enough food. | 0:29:35 | 0:29:36 | |
"I cannot eat the goat meat. I want a potato waffle." | 0:29:36 | 0:29:39 | |
We're lucky to be where we are. | 0:29:41 | 0:29:43 | |
Fussy eaters need to go in Room 101. I rest my case. | 0:29:43 | 0:29:45 | |
Yeah. | 0:29:45 | 0:29:47 | |
I think it's such a strong argument, because it has to stop. | 0:29:51 | 0:29:55 | |
It really has to stop. | 0:29:55 | 0:29:57 | |
When I was single, that would be it - first date, finished. Finished. | 0:29:57 | 0:30:01 | |
"I don't like it. I don't eat vegetables. | 0:30:01 | 0:30:03 | |
"I don't like this. I don't like that," | 0:30:03 | 0:30:05 | |
Really? Would you like a taxi home - instantly?! | 0:30:05 | 0:30:08 | |
My problem is with sweets. That's the one that gets me, | 0:30:11 | 0:30:14 | |
because you'd think with sweets everyone is happy. | 0:30:14 | 0:30:17 | |
You offer someone sweets, say if they're, | 0:30:17 | 0:30:18 | |
like, Fruit Gums, Fruit Pastilles, and if there's a green one or | 0:30:18 | 0:30:22 | |
a yellow one on the top of the tube, they'll say, "Oh, I'll wait." | 0:30:22 | 0:30:27 | |
How do you feel about allergies? | 0:30:29 | 0:30:30 | |
People who can't eat wheat, gluten... | 0:30:30 | 0:30:32 | |
Allergies is completely different. | 0:30:32 | 0:30:34 | |
Obviously if you can't physically eat something, | 0:30:34 | 0:30:36 | |
that's completely different. | 0:30:36 | 0:30:37 | |
I'm talking about, "I don't like spinach." | 0:30:37 | 0:30:39 | |
They're the same kids that don't sit in a high chair | 0:30:39 | 0:30:42 | |
in a restaurant as well. | 0:30:42 | 0:30:43 | |
"We tried, but it was like his back was reacting, so we've released | 0:30:43 | 0:30:46 | |
"him into the restaurant to spoil everyone else's dining experience." | 0:30:46 | 0:30:49 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:30:49 | 0:30:51 | |
I'm going to have to put myself in this category, | 0:30:55 | 0:30:59 | |
because I will eat... I like to think of myself as a man | 0:30:59 | 0:31:02 | |
who'll eat anything, but I have... there is one limitation. | 0:31:02 | 0:31:06 | |
Something that I just - I won't take on. | 0:31:06 | 0:31:09 | |
It's the... It's that little end nodule. | 0:31:09 | 0:31:13 | |
I can't. | 0:31:18 | 0:31:20 | |
No parent could have forced me to eat that. | 0:31:20 | 0:31:22 | |
Anyway, what's Claudia's choice? | 0:31:24 | 0:31:26 | |
-Skiing. -Wow. | 0:31:30 | 0:31:33 | |
Yeah. Oh, come on. We had a deal - you were going to be on my side. | 0:31:33 | 0:31:38 | |
I only went once, but here's the thing. | 0:31:38 | 0:31:41 | |
You have to wake up early. | 0:31:41 | 0:31:43 | |
You put on genuinely the most disgusting clothes you've | 0:31:43 | 0:31:46 | |
ever seen in your life. | 0:31:46 | 0:31:48 | |
Padded, multicoloured - this one's got a picture of a rat on it. | 0:31:48 | 0:31:51 | |
This has got stripes and circles. Anyway, salopettes. | 0:31:51 | 0:31:56 | |
Then you have to put on these massive things, | 0:31:56 | 0:31:58 | |
which we shouldn't be wearing. | 0:31:58 | 0:31:59 | |
Huge metal things that you can't walk in. | 0:31:59 | 0:32:01 | |
Then you go on the ski lift. | 0:32:01 | 0:32:03 | |
That alone is terrifying. | 0:32:03 | 0:32:05 | |
I was just like this, holding on. | 0:32:05 | 0:32:08 | |
Went round it for seven days. No, come on. | 0:32:08 | 0:32:11 | |
Then you physically exert yourself. | 0:32:11 | 0:32:13 | |
Why would anybody ever do that? You go down. | 0:32:13 | 0:32:16 | |
It's incredibly dangerous. Slushy. | 0:32:16 | 0:32:18 | |
Then you have to take it off. | 0:32:18 | 0:32:19 | |
At the end there's some sort of revolting alcohol that makes | 0:32:19 | 0:32:22 | |
people, you know, throw up in their boots. | 0:32:22 | 0:32:25 | |
I don't understand skiing. Why does anybody go skiing? | 0:32:25 | 0:32:27 | |
It's a gazillion pounds. You smell of cheese. | 0:32:27 | 0:32:31 | |
I mean, I admit, I do associate it with the super-cool | 0:32:32 | 0:32:36 | |
and the super-beautiful, and that's why I sort of like it, | 0:32:36 | 0:32:39 | |
because I like the idea of them putting themselves in grave danger. | 0:32:39 | 0:32:43 | |
But I've never been. | 0:32:45 | 0:32:46 | |
It's always seemed like something that other people do, I must admit. | 0:32:46 | 0:32:49 | |
-It's ridiculous. -Yeah. | 0:32:49 | 0:32:51 | |
And it's all lip-gloss. They've all got lip-gloss on. | 0:32:51 | 0:32:54 | |
-Straight mouth, and... -SHE MUTTERS | 0:32:54 | 0:32:56 | |
Nobody spends any time with their kids. | 0:32:56 | 0:32:58 | |
"In you go. In you go, Lucifer. In you go. | 0:32:58 | 0:33:02 | |
"In you go. Good luck. Don't break anything. | 0:33:02 | 0:33:06 | |
"Mummy's going up. | 0:33:06 | 0:33:07 | |
"I'll bring him up. Feed him. | 0:33:10 | 0:33:11 | |
"Feed him. I'll bring him up later." | 0:33:11 | 0:33:15 | |
It's for tools. | 0:33:17 | 0:33:19 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:33:19 | 0:33:21 | |
Actually, I've got a lovely photo of a man, | 0:33:27 | 0:33:29 | |
my favourite photo ever of a man on a ski lift. | 0:33:29 | 0:33:31 | |
Look at this poor chap. This is genuine. | 0:33:31 | 0:33:34 | |
He slipped in such a way that it ripped down his trousers. | 0:33:37 | 0:33:40 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:33:40 | 0:33:41 | |
Wait for it. Wait for it. | 0:33:41 | 0:33:43 | |
He was there for 15 minutes. | 0:33:43 | 0:33:46 | |
His private parts got so cold they started to operate as wind chimes. | 0:33:48 | 0:33:53 | |
Can I say, he was safe, by the way? | 0:33:56 | 0:33:59 | |
He was OK, so it's all right to laugh. | 0:33:59 | 0:34:01 | |
What about these guys braving the cold weather? | 0:34:03 | 0:34:06 | |
What's incredible about that is they all needed | 0:34:08 | 0:34:11 | |
a plaster in exactly the same place. | 0:34:11 | 0:34:13 | |
So, John, what have you got? | 0:34:15 | 0:34:18 | |
What?! AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:34:23 | 0:34:25 | |
SOLITARY APPLAUSE | 0:34:25 | 0:34:27 | |
SOLITARY WHOOP Ooh, you've split the crowd. | 0:34:27 | 0:34:30 | |
All professional sport. Not all sport. | 0:34:30 | 0:34:34 | |
-No. -No. All professional sport. | 0:34:34 | 0:34:37 | |
Take yourself back, Frank, to the old days | 0:34:37 | 0:34:40 | |
when you were nobbut a lad, and your local football team - | 0:34:40 | 0:34:44 | |
you have one called, I think, West Ham United. | 0:34:44 | 0:34:47 | |
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: -Whoo! -West Bromwich... | 0:34:47 | 0:34:49 | |
..Bromwich Albion. | 0:34:49 | 0:34:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:34:50 | 0:34:52 | |
There's a difference? | 0:34:52 | 0:34:54 | |
Can I tell you, you are not going to win this round? | 0:34:54 | 0:34:57 | |
West Ham, West Brom, they're all the same, aren't they? | 0:35:02 | 0:35:04 | |
AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:35:04 | 0:35:06 | |
They each consist of 11, 15, however, men... | 0:35:07 | 0:35:14 | |
..in a manner of speaking, grossly overpaid, sitting around waiting for | 0:35:15 | 0:35:21 | |
a foreign club to pay them a vast, unimaginable amount of money, so | 0:35:21 | 0:35:26 | |
that they can desert the team that has nurtured them over the years. | 0:35:26 | 0:35:32 | |
Yeah? | 0:35:32 | 0:35:34 | |
This is less true of West Bromwich Albion. | 0:35:34 | 0:35:36 | |
Only, Frank, because it's a rubbish team that hasn't got enough money. | 0:35:38 | 0:35:42 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Ooh! | 0:35:42 | 0:35:43 | |
-Well, you... -Now, here's... | 0:35:46 | 0:35:48 | |
You can't condemn the money, | 0:35:48 | 0:35:49 | |
and then say we're rubbish because we don't have enough. | 0:35:49 | 0:35:51 | |
-Here's the point, Frank. -Go on. | 0:35:51 | 0:35:53 | |
If some sort of Saudi Arabian oligarch, for instance, just | 0:35:53 | 0:35:58 | |
to think of the sort of person we're all genuinely sympathetic towards, | 0:35:58 | 0:36:01 | |
instinctively, with many billions to spare, decided it was going to... | 0:36:01 | 0:36:07 | |
he was going to buy West Bram, or West Bomb, or whatever it's called, | 0:36:07 | 0:36:14 | |
and said he's going to put £500 billion into it, all of a sudden, | 0:36:14 | 0:36:18 | |
within a year, you'd be the best team in the world, | 0:36:18 | 0:36:21 | |
because of the money. | 0:36:21 | 0:36:22 | |
All of a sudden, gone, finished, pride in your community is all over. | 0:36:22 | 0:36:28 | |
Pride in the players is all over, | 0:36:28 | 0:36:31 | |
because that bloke who's struggling desperately to take his two little | 0:36:31 | 0:36:35 | |
boys to the game can't afford it, obviously, but he's damned if he's | 0:36:35 | 0:36:40 | |
going to let them miss it, knowing that his week's wages has gone | 0:36:40 | 0:36:45 | |
to pay about 30 seconds of the wages | 0:36:45 | 0:36:49 | |
of that overpaid tos... that overpaid... | 0:36:49 | 0:36:52 | |
..gentleman on the pitch, who is failing to put the ball in the net. | 0:36:54 | 0:36:58 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:36:58 | 0:37:01 | |
Well... I'm still savouring the idea of that big rich Arab coming | 0:37:06 | 0:37:11 | |
and buying the club. | 0:37:11 | 0:37:12 | |
I agree it's getting very, very expensive. | 0:37:13 | 0:37:16 | |
I mean, the amount of money now it costs for a country to | 0:37:16 | 0:37:20 | |
buy the World Cup... | 0:37:20 | 0:37:21 | |
-..is outrageous. -Yeah. | 0:37:23 | 0:37:26 | |
I know what you mean, though, about amateur sport. | 0:37:26 | 0:37:28 | |
There is something about it which is more down to earth. | 0:37:28 | 0:37:32 | |
Take this rodeo, for example. | 0:37:32 | 0:37:34 | |
So, anyway... Well, look, I'm not putting all professional sport in. | 0:37:49 | 0:37:53 | |
What am I going to do with my time? | 0:37:53 | 0:37:56 | |
And fussy eaters, I know what you mean. | 0:37:56 | 0:38:00 | |
-But skiing, it's in! -Yes. | 0:38:00 | 0:38:02 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:38:02 | 0:38:04 | |
And that brings us to the end of the show. | 0:38:15 | 0:38:17 | |
Well done, Claudia. You were the most persuasive guest, | 0:38:17 | 0:38:20 | |
so you are tonight's winner! | 0:38:20 | 0:38:21 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:38:21 | 0:38:24 | |
Thank you very much, Russell Kane, John Humphrys and Claudia Winkleman. | 0:38:24 | 0:38:28 | |
And thank you. Goodnight. | 0:38:28 | 0:38:29 |