Episode 6 Room 101 - Extra Storage


Episode 6

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

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the show where three guests compete to get their pet hates exiled

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for ever to the dreaded vault.

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Let's meet this week's guests.

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Joining me tonight are queen of the dance floor Claudia Winkleman,

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king of the questions John Humphrys, and joker in the pack Russell Kane.

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And so to another instalment of Game Of Moans.

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LAUGHTER

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Hey-hey!

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It was. It was good. I know, it was good.

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SCATTERED APPLAUSE

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No, don't go too far.

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OK. So, what is John's choice?

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AUDIENCE WHOOPS

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Go, Johnny. Go, Johnny.

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-I've lost already, haven't I?

-No.

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It's all over. Whooping in audiences.... Shall I leave now?

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-No.

-Come on, that was pretty good by the audience. Fair play.

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I'll say.

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Straight in there.

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It's awful. Do you know what?

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You're not going to believe this.

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It'll shock you to the very core of your being, Frank, my dear fellow.

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Gardeners' Question Time on Radio 4. Hallowed institution.

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-Any of you listen to it?

-Yes.

-Of course you do.

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whoo!

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I'm so regretting this.

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All the things I could have put in...

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Anyway, Gardeners' Question Time, at the end of the programme, somebody

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in a Radio 4 audience, the home service of the BBC, went, "Whoo!"

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I mean, it wasn't a big one.

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You know, but it was a... it was a...

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It might have been an owl.

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-That is...that is hard to...

-It is.

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-Yeah.

-It is. And I thought, "That's it. It's all over."

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I never get whoops.

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Do you ever get whoops, Russell, when you're on stage?

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-When you first walk on...

-No, I never get whoops.

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A whoop and cheer. That staring, menacing silence.

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There's Frank.

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For me a good reception is

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if they're all generally looking in my direction.

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What about a nativity, and your child...

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and it's absolutely brilliant.

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Is it just not...

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Oh, God, no. You don't applaud them at all.

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I mean, children have to be brought up to face the real world, and

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if you start applauding them, where will it all...? They'll expect it.

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I think I would have whooped at THE Nativity.

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Oh, yeah. God, yeah.

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I think that's fair enough. Quite a big event.

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And she's a virgin. Amazing.

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Whoo!

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One of the things I do like is when an audience... When they're

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quiet, but they've taken the trouble to write signs, so they can

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do it beautifully in silence, but make quite interesting points.

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-Are you aware of this phenomenon?

-No.

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This is a woman cheering the crowds on in an American marathon.

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-That's brilliant.

-That's better than any whoop.

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I think that's fantastic.

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I went to the London Marathon.

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You know people have their names on their back so you can cheer them?

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I shouted "Flora" about five times before I worked out...

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And this one, incredibly, is at an ice hockey game.

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That's quite advanced irony for an American.

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That's so funny.

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Do you know what I find produces a whoop from a British audience,

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because of our humour?

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It's when something goes wrong.

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Like one of the best gigs I've ever had was when I fell off stage,

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and as soon as I got back up, everyone was like, "I know it's wrong, because he's crippled

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"and he'll never perform again,

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but that is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

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"Whoo! His leg's broken".

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I've been in what I would like to call show business

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for nearly 30 years, but without doubt the biggest cheer

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I ever got was when I dropped my full tray in the school dinner hall.

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-That's what I'm talking about.

-That's exactly right.

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-It was deafening. Deafening.

-When you're on holiday, you learn the

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hard way it's not culturally normal to cheer when a glass is dropped.

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If you're in Italy, "Way-hey! Pick it up, you idiot.

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"Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry, sorry."

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-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-"My glass is destroyed. It makes no sense. Why you cheering?"

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Where we come from, we cheer at disaster because we're so uptight.

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We love it.

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It is a beautiful thing, this.

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You know when they talk about someone working a crowd?

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This is a small child who realises what that concept is all about.

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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Frank, that is so disappointing!

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I was waiting for the point at which the steam roller came on

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and went...!

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LAUGHTER

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BOOING

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Just one last clip from America I have to show.

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This is how to guarantee an ecstatic response from an audience.

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We've all tried to get that, but this, absolutely guaranteed.

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-This is Oprah Winfrey, showing how it's done.

-Oh.

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Cue the drum roll. All right, open your boxes.

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Open your boxes. One, two, three.

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ALL SCREAM

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You get a car. You get a car.

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You get a car. You get a car.

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Everybody gets a car.

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Everybody gets a car!

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Simple as that.

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Look at John's face. Horrified.

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-Yeah. We're going to try it on Today next week.

-Yeah.

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We're certainly not trying it tonight.

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LAUGHTER AND BOOING

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-That's how to do it.

-It's pretty...

-Yeah. That's class.

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-It's pretty special, I must say.

-Yeah.

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OK, then. Let's find out what's winding up Russell Kane.

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LAUGHTER

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WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

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This genuinely wasn't planned.

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This is one thing I would like to put in Room 101,

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is men who get grumpier with age.

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What?!

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Not because I've got any problems with these men,

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although it would be nice to be around men in their 50s,

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60s and 70s who are happy all the time.

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It's just that I think men would be healthier, happier creatures,

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if we weren't so miserable. Most men - not all men.

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Now and again you do see a happy old man, but it...it's something you stop and point at in the street.

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You see like a Norman Wisdom, "Look at that happy old man. It's amazing."

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"I don't know. I don't know what the secret is. I've always been like it."

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Most men are walking along, going, "Why am I alive?"

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Some men get so miserable they can only laugh, you know, if they

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see, I don't know, if they see a car written off on the M25 motorway.

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"Look at the state of that Jaguar.

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"That'll never run again. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

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We live, men of this country, five to seven years less than women.

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-Doesn't happen in every country.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whoo!

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And my theory... It's women cheering! My theory is this.

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We think ourselves to death. Yeah?

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The less happy you are, the less likely you are to live a long and happy life.

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Lonely people die before. Now, we know that on the whole, women

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tend to be - not always - more emotionally connected than men.

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If they've got a problem, they get their friends over.

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"Hey, I got Claud over. I got Tess over. We talked about the problem.

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"There wasn't a solution, but we lit a candle, and do you know? I feel better just for talking about it."

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-Whereas men...

-Because that's how it works.

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Whereas men will be like, "I have a problem.

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"I'm going to hold it inside till it's a diamond then poo it out and die".

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Now, the evidence is, in cultures

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like parts of Sicily, Sardinia, Japan, where there

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are villages where men can't sort of do that isolation thing,

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"I need time on my own", and the houses are full of aunts and grandmas

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and daughters, the men's mortality rate equalises with the women.

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We are literally, by being grumpy, thinking ourselves to death.

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We go, "I'm not going to speak to anyone".

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Heart attack, death at 60, leaving behind a generation of women,

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relatively young these days, who then have to pretend to grieve.

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"How will I survive without the miserable sod? What a disaster."

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"How will I go on without Barry mocking my parking? How will I survive?

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"You can park for ever in the crematorium. Goodbye, Barry."

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End of point.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Um, so your theory is that women are happier as they get older.

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-Statistically they are.

-Really?

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Without getting too macabre and...

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-I think women get quite grumpy as they...

-Yes, I would agree with that.

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I'm going on the stats.

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This is anecdotal evidence,

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but I was once in St Mark's Square in Venice, and I'd already been

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bitten by a mosquito the previous day, and it had gone... I'd had

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a reaction to it and it had swollen into a sort of Scooby-Doo type lump.

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And I was sitting in St Mark's Square

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and another mosquito came and bit me on the end of the same lump.

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And that is the only time I've ever seen my girlfriend truly happy.

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She wept. She wept with laughter.

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It was like a different person. Her face changed.

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So I'm not sure it's generally true about women not getting...

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I'm not... I'm saying it's mostly true for our culture.

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The other interesting thing about... You know when you try to meditate and try and get in the moment?

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A woman can go, "Do you know what? That's over there, that's over there, but I'm here".

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Better than a man, who's like, "That's over there. I'm thinking about it.

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"I'm going to let it ruin my day, focusing on what's coming tomorrow."

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"Come back to the present moment." "I can't. I'm a man. I'm focused on the misery in the future."

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That's something else we can work on.

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Or you could set about finding a different group of men to associate with.

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Well, I'd have to emigrate, unfortunately, to Sardinia.

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-Yeah, right. Good.

-LAUGHTER

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Yeah, John is actually offering to sponsor you on that.

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It's that kind of hatred that's taking years off your life, John.

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Well, we have video evidence that old men do sometimes enjoy themselves.

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Look at this man having the time of his life.

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ROCK N ROLL MUSIC

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MAN ROARS IN TIME TO MUSIC

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You see, you're thinking lovely old guy,

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I'm thinking benefit cheat.

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Actually, here's an interesting...

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This is the idea of using age as a punishment.

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There's a barber in America who offers,

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if your child has been naughty, as a punishment he will give him

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the haircut of a middle-aged man.

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-No.

-Honestly. Honestly. Look.

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-This kid...

-Fantastic.

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..who looks quite a sweet kid. He was a bit naughty.

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His mum took him in for this.

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LAUGHTER

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No.

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It's absolutely true.

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That is fantastic.

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Is that true? He just didn't go bald overnight or something?

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Absolutely true.

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And let's have a look at Claudia's choice.

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Yeah. I know.

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I don't like summer.

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I don't like what it does to people.

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Like, normal people, suddenly it gets a tiny bit sunny, "Ooh!"

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Out comes some paisley, weird maxi-dress.

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People's toes... I don't approve of flip-flops.

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I don't like the communal joy, really.

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I don't like a picnic.

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I don't like the fact that it's even a bit warm, and they're lying out.

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"Come on." I don't like the clothes.

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I like wearing a high-neck,

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heather-grey coat with a knee-length boot.

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I like marching through a bit of rain.

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I like spring. I like autumn.

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I think summer is a nonsense.

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FAINT APPLAUSE

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Two people applauded.

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You must like flying ant day.

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One day there's no flying ants, and then they're just everywhere.

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-Yeah.

-I mean, it's incredible.

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I'm not saying it has to be freezing cold all the time.

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I don't mind an open-neck...

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Like, if you want to wear a short-sleeve T-shirt, I'm not

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going to argue with you, in May, but then suddenly it's August.

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People are wearing a cropped top, and it's all the happiness,

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the picnics.

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I don't like it.

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Is it the happiness that really gets you? People looking happy.

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John's warming to this one.

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I've got him.

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I like a bit of shade, but I never understand.

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If you go abroad, often people will carry an umbrella if it's a hot day.

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It's very sensible, but there's something about

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in Britain people think, "No, that's for rain.

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"I'm not using that". I tell you what I take.

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If it's a really bright day, this is what I use for shade.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I need one of those.

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That would get me through the summer.

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Oh, this is so... I'm so cool now under here.

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Absolutely lovely.

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What about... Would you wear this on the beach?

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Oh! No! That's so wrong.

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-He's so wrong as well.

-That is so tacky.

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I can't believe he's wearing a marijuana necklace.

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Well, I know you're a boots lady.

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Yeah.

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These are.... Now, you can send away

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your cowboy boots to a place in America,

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and they turn them into summer-wear.

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That's the best thing I've ever seen.

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There you go. I don't know.

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I've gone a bit Tales Of Beatrix Potter as I demonstrate.

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You look like you're about to Riverdance.

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Yeah. They really let the air...

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-Breezy.

-Yeah.

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Hello.

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Crippling me.

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-They're amazing.

-Yes. See, am I winning you over?

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No.

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I'm going to go one last thing.

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This is someone really enjoying the sun,

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summertime on a beautiful beach in the Maldives.

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-CLAUDIA:

-'There's everything you need on the island.

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'Sun, sea, sand and...'

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Cheers. If you're like me,

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nice slice of pizza!

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Mm.

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I was so bad at that show.

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Do you know that you have to say certain things on a holiday programme?

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You had to use certain intonation.

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If you said, "This cost £5," they would go, "This cost...£5."

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Does that make it sound cheaper? Is that the idea?

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It just sounds more exciting, apparently.

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You can get on the tram...for £4.

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-You know what, it's working!

-It is!

-Where's the tram?

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That's amazing.

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Politicians could do that. They could have that special voice, couldn't they?

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We're going to take away...

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all your benefits!

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And next Thursday, will be declaring war on...

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-Iraq!

-Hurray!

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Whoo!

0:17:070:17:08

Anyway. Summer. I must admit, I know what you mean.

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I know what you mean about summer.

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I don't like...you know that sweat... Well, you wouldn't.

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I hate it.

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I also... I enjoy grumpiness in old men so much,

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I don't know why they haven't made a TV show about it.

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There's something lovely about miserable people.

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You have to have that mix of light and dark.

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No-one loves applause more than I do.

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I spend my whole life more or less begging for it.

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But whooping, I have to say, I think it's gone too far.

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It's fine in America, but here it just feels wrong.

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So I am going to put whooping audiences into Room 101.

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AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND APPLAUDS

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OK, then, on with the next round.

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And let's have a look at John's choice.

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People who begin sentences with "so".

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Ask me a question. Any question you like.

0:18:270:18:30

John, how are you feeling at the moment?

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So, I was thinking this morning that I might go for

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a run and then I decided I probably wouldn't.

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Do people do that?

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So, I think you'll find that they do it all the time.

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So, I can explain to you why, if you'd like me to, why it happens.

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-OK.

-So, it's because the people who do it are thick as two short planks.

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That is a technical phrase.

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They always do it because, I think, it's because they can.

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Because they're sort of saying to the audience,

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I know you're a bit thick,

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so I'll say "so" and then gradually introduce you to the magnificent

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workings of my brain and then I will tell you what I think about this.

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And it happens all the time.

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-Yes?

-Mm.

-I mean, all the time.

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It drives me insane.

0:19:260:19:27

It is... Look, it's not going to change the world...

0:19:270:19:30

But, God, it would be nice not to be irritated.

0:19:300:19:33

I'm feeling a little bit like a grumpy old man, if I may say!

0:19:330:19:36

Whoo!

0:19:360:19:37

I must... LAUGHTER

0:19:370:19:40

-Well, I...

-So that's it, "so" in front of sentences.

0:19:410:19:44

OK. I blame John Lennon.

0:19:440:19:46

# So this is Christmas... #

0:19:460:19:48

It can't be worse than "like", as in,

0:19:510:19:53

"Like, I was out the other day, like.

0:19:530:19:55

"And, like, my friends were there.

0:19:550:19:57

The thing about "like" if that that is just plain stupid.

0:19:570:20:01

And...

0:20:020:20:04

But more importantly, it's what kids do.

0:20:040:20:06

And that's all right.

0:20:060:20:07

I'm completely relaxed about kids having their own language.

0:20:070:20:10

-Didn't we all?

-Yes.

0:20:100:20:11

-Yes.

-And that's fine.

0:20:110:20:13

In fact, it's probably good,

0:20:130:20:14

because what they are doing is they are trying to exclude adults.

0:20:140:20:18

Totes. Totes, man, totes, totes.

0:20:180:20:20

Exactly. Sick.

0:20:210:20:23

Yeah.

0:20:230:20:25

John Humphrys just said "sick" to me!

0:20:250:20:27

And that... That's all fine.

0:20:280:20:30

But the people who do the "so" thing and the historic present tense

0:20:300:20:34

and all that sort of thing,

0:20:340:20:36

the people who do that do it from a position of some kind of

0:20:360:20:41

assumed superiority, which I find irritating.

0:20:410:20:44

-So there's a condescension built in?

-It's condescension...

-Yeah.

0:20:440:20:47

-Perfect word.

-Interesting.

-Condescension.

0:20:470:20:49

I remember my girlfriend...

0:20:490:20:51

This is absolutely true.

0:20:510:20:52

My girlfriend said to me once, "So, why is there a wig in our bed?"

0:20:520:20:56

Why was there, Frank?

0:20:590:21:01

Well, what I'd done is, I had done a very foolish comedy sketch

0:21:010:21:06

that day with a horrible nylon wig and they said to me,

0:21:060:21:11

the make-up woman said to me,

0:21:110:21:12

we'll never use that again, you can keep it.

0:21:120:21:14

So I thought, I'll put it in the bed as a joke,

0:21:140:21:16

she'll think it's some sort of animal.

0:21:160:21:19

She got into the bed, she went to bed before me -

0:21:190:21:21

I let her go so the joke would work.

0:21:210:21:23

She never mentioned it. CLAUDIA LAUGHS

0:21:230:21:25

I got in, she still hadn't mentioned it. I got into bed,

0:21:250:21:28

the light went off for about a minute and then she said, "So...

0:21:280:21:34

"Why was there a wig in our bed?

0:21:370:21:40

And I said, "Well, clearly, that is a joke.

0:21:400:21:41

"If I'm going to have an affair,

0:21:410:21:43

"I'm not going to have an affair with someone who would wear that wig!"

0:21:430:21:46

"And then go home without it!"

0:21:480:21:51

Right, so I will just...

0:21:550:21:56

To end this, I just want to show one clip which illustrates how

0:21:560:22:01

wrong a programme can be if "so" is overused.

0:22:010:22:05

So, let's have our first contender...

0:22:070:22:09

-So, close first round.

-Let's have a look...

0:22:090:22:13

So, the general knowledge round...

0:22:130:22:15

So, lots of people... So, let's get on with the show.

0:22:150:22:17

She has held on to that led.

0:22:170:22:20

Let's have a look at the scores.

0:22:200:22:22

What a hypocrite! Unbelievable!

0:22:220:22:25

AUDIENCE WHOOP AND CHEER

0:22:270:22:29

Well, well, well.

0:22:300:22:32

I'm trying so hard to laugh at that and I want to kill you.

0:22:320:22:34

OK, let's go to Russell Kane's choice.

0:22:370:22:40

OK...

0:22:450:22:47

I do realise I'm contradicting myself here,

0:22:510:22:53

when I've been all happy but... over-friendly people on holiday.

0:22:530:22:57

When I go on holiday, I don't know if it's a British thing,

0:22:580:23:01

in fact, come to think of it, it is!

0:23:010:23:03

Whenever you see German people on holiday, or American people

0:23:030:23:06

or French people, they seem to be drawn to other people of their kind.

0:23:060:23:08

"There are some more French people over there, we'll hang with them.

0:23:080:23:11

But British people, on the whole, when we go away with

0:23:110:23:14

a group or a couple, we want to keep ourselves to ourselves.

0:23:140:23:17

The thought of an over-friendly couple latching onto us while

0:23:170:23:20

we are away, fills most of us with unfriendly horror.

0:23:200:23:23

And anyone that doesn't identify with that, you are those freaks!

0:23:230:23:26

Leave us alone, right!

0:23:260:23:27

LAUGHTER

0:23:270:23:29

I don't even want to speak to the person I'm on holiday with,

0:23:290:23:32

let alone... "Oh, it's Mark and Carol from yesterday. Coo-oo!"

0:23:320:23:35

"For God's sake! Oh, you found us!"

0:23:350:23:37

-I just don't want to be latched on to by over-friendly people.

-Mm.

0:23:390:23:42

-They need to do one.

-Wow.

0:23:420:23:44

You see, I...I wouldn't like to be anywhere

0:23:450:23:47

where there were no British people at all,

0:23:470:23:49

in case I didn't get recognised.

0:23:490:23:51

I agree, but you mustn't make eye contact. It's like netball -

0:23:540:23:57

if anybody here has played netball...

0:23:580:24:00

I was in... Just don't...

0:24:000:24:02

The key is - no eye contact.

0:24:020:24:05

You don't make eye contact when you play netball?

0:24:050:24:07

That's how you don't get the ball. It's genius.

0:24:070:24:10

Ah! That is clever, isn't it?

0:24:100:24:12

Yeah. I played every match - I've never touched the netball.

0:24:120:24:15

-Never?

-Never touched it in my life. I don't know what it feels like.

0:24:150:24:18

Is there a reason why they kept you on the team?

0:24:180:24:20

No, I don't know why! My mum made sandwiches.

0:24:200:24:22

It's true!

0:24:240:24:26

One thing I find that helps to keep... I read this at poolside.

0:24:260:24:30

LAUGHTER

0:24:320:24:34

-That's brilliant!

-I would take that.

0:24:390:24:41

-That's fantastic.

-It really helps, I must say.

0:24:410:24:46

Anyway, what's Claudia's choice?

0:24:460:24:49

Foreheads.

0:24:530:24:55

Well, now I feel bad, because you have...you know,

0:24:570:25:02

you're all... you're all sporting foreheads.

0:25:020:25:04

My head looks something like a light bulb.

0:25:040:25:07

It looks like my neck has had a really good idea.

0:25:080:25:11

No, look, it's adorable.

0:25:140:25:16

Yours is adorable, but the others need to go.

0:25:160:25:19

Well, I haven't seen my forehead since '86.

0:25:190:25:22

-No-one has.

-Are you sure you've got one?

0:25:220:25:24

I don't know what's up there. Squirrels. Um, Lego.

0:25:240:25:29

I don't... I don't know.

0:25:290:25:31

Can we look?

0:25:310:25:33

We were hoping you had a small string at the side that you pull.

0:25:330:25:36

-I don't think you want to see.

-I do, badly.

0:25:380:25:40

-Is it the same colour as the rest of your face?

-No.

0:25:400:25:43

Just a really pale forehead. Put it down, put it down!

0:25:430:25:47

That's an interesting take, Russell. Um...

0:25:470:25:51

She was about to show us. Do we want to see?

0:25:510:25:54

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Come on.

0:25:540:25:57

-Are you ready?

-I am ready, yeah. More than ready.

0:25:570:25:59

You're going to need to hold hands for this.

0:25:590:26:02

Argh!

0:26:020:26:03

I mean, that's disgusting. Let's pretend that never happened.

0:26:050:26:08

It just feels like a large...

0:26:080:26:10

Like, already that is making me very nervous.

0:26:100:26:14

If you put a fringe on this human,

0:26:140:26:16

suddenly I want to go out with him, I want to share chicken.

0:26:160:26:19

Let's get married.

0:26:190:26:21

I don't like the... Just, there's a veiny, big arena of skin,

0:26:210:26:28

like, open skin, and soon my fringe will just sweep...

0:26:280:26:33

I would like to part it in order to speak, and then release.

0:26:330:26:37

So, yeah, I don't like a forehead.

0:26:380:26:39

I knew a guy in Birmingham who had "Death to all skinheads"

0:26:390:26:44

tattooed on his forehead.

0:26:440:26:45

I always assumed you'd got something similar

0:26:460:26:49

and that was what you were hiding.

0:26:490:26:51

But if men had fringes like that, especially men of...ahem.

0:26:510:26:53

How can I put this? A certain age, um...cover the wrinkles.

0:26:530:26:59

It would be good. Cover their wrinkles, make them more...

0:26:590:27:02

-Let's try it.

-Oh, wow!

0:27:020:27:05

Yes!

0:27:050:27:07

APPLAUSE

0:27:070:27:08

What do you think?

0:27:080:27:10

-That's what I'm saying.

-I couldn't... I couldn't...

0:27:120:27:15

What's it worth? Can I...?

0:27:150:27:17

Are you sure that's a head wig?

0:27:170:27:19

Well, if it isn't, it fits perfectly.

0:27:230:27:25

Oh, man.

0:27:280:27:29

We have a picture of you on the town with your fringe, as it were.

0:27:290:27:33

I'm never on the town.

0:27:330:27:34

Well, it's at the GQ awards, which I'd say... Look at that.

0:27:340:27:37

LAUGHTER

0:27:370:27:39

Never looked better, right? Never looked better.

0:27:390:27:43

I tell you what, it looks like when someone doesn't quite

0:27:430:27:46

get into the lift before the doors close.

0:27:460:27:48

That's the face you see.

0:27:490:27:51

I stand by that that is better than a forehead,

0:27:530:27:57

and that's why it should go into Room 101.

0:27:570:28:00

OK, well, look, this won't take long.

0:28:000:28:02

Yes, it's annoying when they start sentences with "So..."

0:28:020:28:04

and yes, I don't like it when they're over-friendly on holiday,

0:28:040:28:07

but foreheads goes straight into Room 101.

0:28:070:28:10

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:100:28:12

And so we move on.

0:28:230:28:25

Let's see what Russell has got up his sleeve.

0:28:250:28:28

Yeah. Fussy eaters. That's what I want to put in.

0:28:310:28:36

One of the sentences I hate most in the world is,

0:28:360:28:38

"I don't like it." Particularly if you go, "Have you tried it?"

0:28:380:28:41

"No, I just know I won't like it."

0:28:410:28:44

It really annoys me.

0:28:440:28:46

We are privileged to live in a wealthy country.

0:28:460:28:48

We're lucky to have food.

0:28:480:28:50

Fussy eating is not a natural state of affairs. No, it isn't.

0:28:500:28:53

"When I was little, my mum tried giving me spinach,

0:28:530:28:55

"but I would eject it out and I would only eat potato waffles."

0:28:550:28:58

It's a lot of nonsense.

0:29:000:29:01

I was brought up with a method that will lead to people being unfussy.

0:29:010:29:06

My mum did this technique.

0:29:060:29:07

"There's your dinner. Brussels sprouts. Nice balanced meal.

0:29:070:29:10

"Bit of mince..."

0:29:100:29:11

"Right, I'm not eating it. Don't like sprouts."

0:29:110:29:13

"OK. You can go and play." There was no punishment.

0:29:130:29:15

There was no dessert.

0:29:150:29:16

Next day, "I'm still not eating it". OK, no punishment.

0:29:160:29:19

By day three you're starting to get a little bit peckish, yeah?

0:29:190:29:23

By day four, "Where are those Brussels sprouts, Mama?

0:29:230:29:25

"They look tasty", because you can feel your ribs.

0:29:250:29:28

What it's called is - you get what you're given. Right?

0:29:280:29:31

And you learn to be unfussy.

0:29:310:29:33

Funny how it doesn't crop up in countries

0:29:330:29:35

that don't have enough food.

0:29:350:29:36

"I cannot eat the goat meat. I want a potato waffle."

0:29:360:29:39

We're lucky to be where we are.

0:29:410:29:43

Fussy eaters need to go in Room 101. I rest my case.

0:29:430:29:45

Yeah.

0:29:450:29:47

I think it's such a strong argument, because it has to stop.

0:29:510:29:55

It really has to stop.

0:29:550:29:57

When I was single, that would be it - first date, finished. Finished.

0:29:570:30:01

"I don't like it. I don't eat vegetables.

0:30:010:30:03

"I don't like this. I don't like that,"

0:30:030:30:05

Really? Would you like a taxi home - instantly?!

0:30:050:30:08

My problem is with sweets. That's the one that gets me,

0:30:110:30:14

because you'd think with sweets everyone is happy.

0:30:140:30:17

You offer someone sweets, say if they're,

0:30:170:30:18

like, Fruit Gums, Fruit Pastilles, and if there's a green one or

0:30:180:30:22

a yellow one on the top of the tube, they'll say, "Oh, I'll wait."

0:30:220:30:27

How do you feel about allergies?

0:30:290:30:30

People who can't eat wheat, gluten...

0:30:300:30:32

Allergies is completely different.

0:30:320:30:34

Obviously if you can't physically eat something,

0:30:340:30:36

that's completely different.

0:30:360:30:37

I'm talking about, "I don't like spinach."

0:30:370:30:39

They're the same kids that don't sit in a high chair

0:30:390:30:42

in a restaurant as well.

0:30:420:30:43

"We tried, but it was like his back was reacting, so we've released

0:30:430:30:46

"him into the restaurant to spoil everyone else's dining experience."

0:30:460:30:49

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:30:490:30:51

I'm going to have to put myself in this category,

0:30:550:30:59

because I will eat... I like to think of myself as a man

0:30:590:31:02

who'll eat anything, but I have... there is one limitation.

0:31:020:31:06

Something that I just - I won't take on.

0:31:060:31:09

It's the... It's that little end nodule.

0:31:090:31:13

I can't.

0:31:180:31:20

No parent could have forced me to eat that.

0:31:200:31:22

Anyway, what's Claudia's choice?

0:31:240:31:26

-Skiing.

-Wow.

0:31:300:31:33

Yeah. Oh, come on. We had a deal - you were going to be on my side.

0:31:330:31:38

I only went once, but here's the thing.

0:31:380:31:41

You have to wake up early.

0:31:410:31:43

You put on genuinely the most disgusting clothes you've

0:31:430:31:46

ever seen in your life.

0:31:460:31:48

Padded, multicoloured - this one's got a picture of a rat on it.

0:31:480:31:51

This has got stripes and circles. Anyway, salopettes.

0:31:510:31:56

Then you have to put on these massive things,

0:31:560:31:58

which we shouldn't be wearing.

0:31:580:31:59

Huge metal things that you can't walk in.

0:31:590:32:01

Then you go on the ski lift.

0:32:010:32:03

That alone is terrifying.

0:32:030:32:05

I was just like this, holding on.

0:32:050:32:08

Went round it for seven days. No, come on.

0:32:080:32:11

Then you physically exert yourself.

0:32:110:32:13

Why would anybody ever do that? You go down.

0:32:130:32:16

It's incredibly dangerous. Slushy.

0:32:160:32:18

Then you have to take it off.

0:32:180:32:19

At the end there's some sort of revolting alcohol that makes

0:32:190:32:22

people, you know, throw up in their boots.

0:32:220:32:25

I don't understand skiing. Why does anybody go skiing?

0:32:250:32:27

It's a gazillion pounds. You smell of cheese.

0:32:270:32:31

I mean, I admit, I do associate it with the super-cool

0:32:320:32:36

and the super-beautiful, and that's why I sort of like it,

0:32:360:32:39

because I like the idea of them putting themselves in grave danger.

0:32:390:32:43

But I've never been.

0:32:450:32:46

It's always seemed like something that other people do, I must admit.

0:32:460:32:49

-It's ridiculous.

-Yeah.

0:32:490:32:51

And it's all lip-gloss. They've all got lip-gloss on.

0:32:510:32:54

-Straight mouth, and...

-SHE MUTTERS

0:32:540:32:56

Nobody spends any time with their kids.

0:32:560:32:58

"In you go. In you go, Lucifer. In you go.

0:32:580:33:02

"In you go. Good luck. Don't break anything.

0:33:020:33:06

"Mummy's going up.

0:33:060:33:07

"I'll bring him up. Feed him.

0:33:100:33:11

"Feed him. I'll bring him up later."

0:33:110:33:15

It's for tools.

0:33:170:33:19

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:33:190:33:21

Actually, I've got a lovely photo of a man,

0:33:270:33:29

my favourite photo ever of a man on a ski lift.

0:33:290:33:31

Look at this poor chap. This is genuine.

0:33:310:33:34

He slipped in such a way that it ripped down his trousers.

0:33:370:33:40

Oh, my God.

0:33:400:33:41

Wait for it. Wait for it.

0:33:410:33:43

He was there for 15 minutes.

0:33:430:33:46

His private parts got so cold they started to operate as wind chimes.

0:33:480:33:53

Can I say, he was safe, by the way?

0:33:560:33:59

He was OK, so it's all right to laugh.

0:33:590:34:01

What about these guys braving the cold weather?

0:34:030:34:06

What's incredible about that is they all needed

0:34:080:34:11

a plaster in exactly the same place.

0:34:110:34:13

So, John, what have you got?

0:34:150:34:18

What?! AUDIENCE GROANS

0:34:230:34:25

SOLITARY APPLAUSE

0:34:250:34:27

SOLITARY WHOOP Ooh, you've split the crowd.

0:34:270:34:30

All professional sport. Not all sport.

0:34:300:34:34

-No.

-No. All professional sport.

0:34:340:34:37

Take yourself back, Frank, to the old days

0:34:370:34:40

when you were nobbut a lad, and your local football team -

0:34:400:34:44

you have one called, I think, West Ham United.

0:34:440:34:47

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whoo!

-West Bromwich...

0:34:470:34:49

..Bromwich Albion.

0:34:490:34:50

LAUGHTER

0:34:500:34:52

There's a difference?

0:34:520:34:54

Can I tell you, you are not going to win this round?

0:34:540:34:57

West Ham, West Brom, they're all the same, aren't they?

0:35:020:35:04

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:35:040:35:06

They each consist of 11, 15, however, men...

0:35:070:35:14

..in a manner of speaking, grossly overpaid, sitting around waiting for

0:35:150:35:21

a foreign club to pay them a vast, unimaginable amount of money, so

0:35:210:35:26

that they can desert the team that has nurtured them over the years.

0:35:260:35:32

Yeah?

0:35:320:35:34

This is less true of West Bromwich Albion.

0:35:340:35:36

Only, Frank, because it's a rubbish team that hasn't got enough money.

0:35:380:35:42

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:35:420:35:43

-Well, you...

-Now, here's...

0:35:460:35:48

You can't condemn the money,

0:35:480:35:49

and then say we're rubbish because we don't have enough.

0:35:490:35:51

-Here's the point, Frank.

-Go on.

0:35:510:35:53

If some sort of Saudi Arabian oligarch, for instance, just

0:35:530:35:58

to think of the sort of person we're all genuinely sympathetic towards,

0:35:580:36:01

instinctively, with many billions to spare, decided it was going to...

0:36:010:36:07

he was going to buy West Bram, or West Bomb, or whatever it's called,

0:36:070:36:14

and said he's going to put £500 billion into it, all of a sudden,

0:36:140:36:18

within a year, you'd be the best team in the world,

0:36:180:36:21

because of the money.

0:36:210:36:22

All of a sudden, gone, finished, pride in your community is all over.

0:36:220:36:28

Pride in the players is all over,

0:36:280:36:31

because that bloke who's struggling desperately to take his two little

0:36:310:36:35

boys to the game can't afford it, obviously, but he's damned if he's

0:36:350:36:40

going to let them miss it, knowing that his week's wages has gone

0:36:400:36:45

to pay about 30 seconds of the wages

0:36:450:36:49

of that overpaid tos... that overpaid...

0:36:490:36:52

..gentleman on the pitch, who is failing to put the ball in the net.

0:36:540:36:58

APPLAUSE

0:36:580:37:01

Well... I'm still savouring the idea of that big rich Arab coming

0:37:060:37:11

and buying the club.

0:37:110:37:12

I agree it's getting very, very expensive.

0:37:130:37:16

I mean, the amount of money now it costs for a country to

0:37:160:37:20

buy the World Cup...

0:37:200:37:21

-..is outrageous.

-Yeah.

0:37:230:37:26

I know what you mean, though, about amateur sport.

0:37:260:37:28

There is something about it which is more down to earth.

0:37:280:37:32

Take this rodeo, for example.

0:37:320:37:34

So, anyway... Well, look, I'm not putting all professional sport in.

0:37:490:37:53

What am I going to do with my time?

0:37:530:37:56

And fussy eaters, I know what you mean.

0:37:560:38:00

-But skiing, it's in!

-Yes.

0:38:000:38:02

APPLAUSE

0:38:020:38:04

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:38:150:38:17

Well done, Claudia. You were the most persuasive guest,

0:38:170:38:20

so you are tonight's winner!

0:38:200:38:21

APPLAUSE

0:38:210:38:24

Thank you very much, Russell Kane, John Humphrys and Claudia Winkleman.

0:38:240:38:28

And thank you. Goodnight.

0:38:280:38:29

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