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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:21 | 0:00:25 | |
Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101, | 0:00:33 | 0:00:37 | |
the show where three guests compete to have their biggest | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
bugbears banished forever to the dreaded vault. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
They'll have to argue their case well because in each round | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
only one item can be chosen - the final decision is mine. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
Let's meet this week's guests. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
Joining me tonight are Bafta-winning Katherine Parkinson, | 0:00:50 | 0:00:53 | |
laughter-spinning Russell Howard, | 0:00:53 | 0:00:54 | |
and all the trimmings John Torode. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
BELL DINGS Let's get ready to grumble. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
OK. So what is John's choice? | 0:01:12 | 0:01:14 | |
It's those massive pepper grinders. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
I mean, even the action is disturbing, isn't it? | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
Do you know what I mean? Somebody comes up to your table. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
You've got some food in front of you. You're about to enjoy it. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:36 | |
They suddenly reach across, | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
CROAKY: "Would you like pepper, sir?" | 0:01:38 | 0:01:39 | |
Were they from Mordor? | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
Most of them, yes, they are. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
The fact is, as well, | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
they've cut down a whole tree to make a pepper grinder. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
The size of the lathe - | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
I mean, they have special lathes to make pepper grinders that size. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
What an industrial waste. I mean, look at it. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
It's just ridiculous. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
Just in case you're not familiar with what... | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
Actually, I've just pulled the leg off the table. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
Hold it. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
This is it. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
Yeah, these babies. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:16 | |
That's small. That's like a normal size one. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
Well, it's quite cold out. LAUGHTER | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
There's something very, um... How can I put this? | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
Very male about the big... | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
Sexist, you see. It is. Isn't it? | 0:02:27 | 0:02:30 | |
And yet quite sexy. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
You think it's sexy? | 0:02:32 | 0:02:33 | |
When it's done right, it must be. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
Potentially, when done right, by the right man. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
Frank could probably do it in quite a sexy way now. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
Go on. See, there you go. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
That's spooky. That's just weird! Does it need to be that big? | 0:02:43 | 0:02:47 | |
There's absolutely no reason for it to be that big. No. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
Everybody has got one to size... I know the story behind it. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
A man in Honolulu opened a string of about 50 restaurants, | 0:02:53 | 0:02:57 | |
and he put normal-sized pepper mills in, when they were just becoming | 0:02:57 | 0:03:01 | |
popular on the market, and within three days, every one was stolen. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:07 | |
So, he got massive ones, to stop that from happening. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:11 | |
Why don't they do it with other stuff? | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
For example, wouldn't it be great if you were in, say, | 0:03:13 | 0:03:17 | |
a burger bar, and a guy came over... | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
..if a guy came over like this... | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
Anyone...ketchup? | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
No, thank you. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:31 | |
Ketchup? I like that you're backing off. Great. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:39 | |
Faith in the authenticity of this prop. Guess what? | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
It's not actually full of ketchup. LAUGHTER | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
This is another method. Are you familiar with this? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
Oh, yeah. You get a tiny one of these, with pepper. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
I don't mind that. So you don't take, you know, loads of pepper. | 0:03:57 | 0:04:00 | |
You just do a sprinkle. Have you seen this? | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
No, it's in quite nice restaurants. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
I've stolen a few of these, I must be honest with you, | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
because, like a lot of people watching, I've got | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
an Action Man antique commode... | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
..and it's absolutely...absolutely perfect on that. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:20 | |
I have him on there for hours. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
Is that how they make pepper? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
OK. So, Russell, what's your choice? | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
Dreams. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
Ooh. Yes. Pointless. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
They're meant to be relaxing and calm and blissful, | 0:04:50 | 0:04:54 | |
and then, suddenly, you're getting chased, | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
your old teacher is there, you've got parrots for feet. | 0:04:56 | 0:05:00 | |
Lorraine Kelly has got an axe. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
She's swinging it, going, "Get in the shed. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
"Make me marmalade." | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
And then you wake up terrified and you've got an erection. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:10 | |
It's horrific. LAUGHTER | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
Not at 8.30 on BBC ONE, you haven't. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
Well. Well, I will prove you wrong when this goes out. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:30 | |
You'll have at best a lazy lobber/lob on. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
But it's meant to be relaxing. They're always awful, you know? | 0:05:34 | 0:05:38 | |
They're always mad or they're exhausting. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:41 | |
I find the amount of times I've had a dream where I feel like... | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
Like, the other day I had a gap year, like, in my dream. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
You wake up - "Are you all right? Did you sleep well?" | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
"No, I didn't sleep well. I lost my passport in Peru. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
"I was braiding my own hair for four hours." | 0:05:52 | 0:05:56 | |
It's horrific. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:57 | |
Losing your passport is a horrible dream, though. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
I suggest you get yourself a dream catcher. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:03 | |
That's exceptional. That's nuts. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
And this IS your passport. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:11 | |
And then he woke up. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
Yeah, exactly. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
Cos that's the other thing. That's why they're awful as well. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
Sometimes you have an amazing dream and it reminds you of | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
how awful life is. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:27 | |
You are there, you're swimming with mermaids and Natalie Imbruglia | 0:06:27 | 0:06:30 | |
is there, playing the harp. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
I remember, like, age 15, having the dream with mermaids | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
and it was amazing. And then waking up and having to do a German exam. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:38 | |
You are eating Weetabix and you're like, | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
"I was with mermaids an hour ago." | 0:06:40 | 0:06:43 | |
Like, you know those dreams when it just goes on? | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Like, this genuinely happened, | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
and it felt like the entire nine hours I was there. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
I was a cat working in a travel agency, | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
and I had no skills, because I was a cat, and people were moaning. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:56 | |
I can really remember this Northern bloke going, | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
"You don't know nothing." | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
And I'm like, "Meow." | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
You know, and then you wake up and you're just exhausted, | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
and then you've got to go to work. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
What an amazing imagination you have. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:09 | |
That's the problem. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
My recurring dream is me sitting on a bus. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
See, that's awful. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:17 | |
That is it. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:18 | |
I had one of those, a dull one, as well. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
I'm not saying you're dull. I'm just saying... | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
I think you are. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:24 | |
But you know that thing? | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
I had one where I was looking at Duracell batteries | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
and comparing them to Tesco-own for eight hours. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:33 | |
You see, I have quite ordinary dreams, | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
in which invariably I'm only wearing a pyjama top. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:40 | |
So, I'm just walking round in the supermarket in just that, | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
and then I realise. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
Well, maybe that's looking into your future, you know. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:50 | |
And then, I found this in my dream catcher. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
When I used to drink... Do you get it? | 0:08:00 | 0:08:04 | |
They're strange, when you... Do you drink? You do drink, don't you? | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
Yeah. Don't you find the dreams get a bit weirder, then? | 0:08:07 | 0:08:09 | |
Not really, no. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
I always used to dream I was urinating. And guess what? | 0:08:11 | 0:08:15 | |
I quite like dreaming. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
I like the middle of the day, you know, old man, | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
half asleep on the sofa, waking up when you sort of snore a bit dream. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:25 | |
That's a good thing. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:26 | |
No, it's not, because you're of a certain age. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
I bet you whistle when you snore, as well. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
There's nothing... That noise. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
That's what my dad... IMITATES WHISTLING SNORE | 0:08:34 | 0:08:36 | |
It sounds like someone is interfering with a Teletubbie. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
REPEATS NOISE | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
My dad used to do that falling asleep in the chair, going... | 0:08:42 | 0:08:46 | |
Yeah! | 0:08:47 | 0:08:48 | |
Absolutely terrifying. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
Well, I tell you something. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
Are you familiar with the Dream ON app? | 0:08:54 | 0:08:58 | |
This app is... | 0:08:58 | 0:08:59 | |
You sleep with your mobile phone, and it picks up your sleep patterns. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:05 | |
It can tell when you're in deep sleep and when you're moving more. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:08 | |
Right. And it gives you sound effects | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
at the point you're most likely | 0:09:11 | 0:09:12 | |
to dream, and it's supposed to help you into more pleasant... | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
This is... I'm not making this up. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
So here's some of the sounds, for example. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
BIRDS TWITTER | 0:09:20 | 0:09:21 | |
So, it will influence your dream. I programmed it for this. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:28 | |
WOMAN: Mmm, well, I wasn't expecting the plumber, | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
but you'd better come in. LAUGHTER | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
Works a treat. Have you ever had this? | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
Have you ever been attacked by someone for the way | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
you've behaved in their dream? | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
OK, well, I have. There you go. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:46 | |
My auntie said, "I want to have a word with you." | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
"What?" "Yeah, I had a dream about you the other day." | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
We were at a wedding. "Yeah?" | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
"You made love to a pasty." "Well, I didn't do it, did I? | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
"I made love? What are you talking about?" | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
She told everyone at the wedding, like it was a thing I did. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
Chinese whispers. By the end everyone was like, | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
"Oh, it's Ginsters." What are you talking about? | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
Was that in your dream, or was that in reality? | 0:10:05 | 0:10:06 | |
It was in HER dream. No, I haven't touched a pasty. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:10 | |
She is attacking me for the behaviour that | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
I've shown in her dream. Right. In public? | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
I don't know where I did it. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
I'd like to imagine that if I was making love to a pasty, | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
I'd treat it right, you know, but I've never imagined that. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:24 | |
I'd probably take her out for a meal... | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
A meal would be weird because you'd see all her mates getting eaten. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
I have a clip of a child speaking about dreaming and, whatever | 0:10:29 | 0:10:36 | |
we say about dreams tonight, nothing can be as good as this. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:40 | |
This is perfect. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
Have you ever had a dream that... | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
that you...you had... | 0:10:44 | 0:10:48 | |
you...you... you could... you'd do... you...you want... | 0:10:48 | 0:10:52 | |
you...you could give some...you...you could...you... | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
you want...you want them to do you so much you could do anything? | 0:10:55 | 0:11:00 | |
Do you know what? | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
That's like the cutest version of an Eminem song I've ever heard. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
That might make me get pregnant again tonight. | 0:11:07 | 0:11:10 | |
That was so sweet. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:11 | |
GROANS, FRANK SNIGGERS | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
Right. What is Katherine's choice? | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
Behave. Yes. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:29 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:29 | 0:11:30 | |
This is DJs that join in at the end of the song. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:35 | |
I mean, I love the radio. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:37 | |
I've not listened to your show on the radio, | 0:11:37 | 0:11:39 | |
cos it's too early, but I love the radio in the morning. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
It's a podcast. LAUGHTER | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
But carry on. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:48 | |
So, I love the radio in the morning, | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
and, you know, you're listening to a song. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
They've played maybe, you know, Elvis, In The Ghetto, | 0:11:54 | 0:11:58 | |
or something really moving, a story-telling song. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:01 | |
You're in that special place, | 0:12:01 | 0:12:02 | |
looking out the window at the morning happening. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
And then they just have to crash in and butcher it over the last | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
two bars, because they can't not hear the sound of their own | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
voice for more than 20 seconds. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
I have actually almost lifted up the radio and thrown it through the | 0:12:12 | 0:12:18 | |
kitchen window because it just, it completely destroys... What's the | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
point in playing a song if you're not going to let people get to | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
the nice moment at the end, when the song has finished and done its work? | 0:12:24 | 0:12:29 | |
Yes. LAUGHTER | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
I have this... | 0:12:33 | 0:12:35 | |
I don't look at any of the text or anything that come in on the show. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
I have two other people who present the show with | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
me and they see that, so as far as I'm concerned, | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
the show is going down brilliantly every week. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:46 | |
I have no negative stuff coming at me at all. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
I imagine the audience are killing themselves and everything I say. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:53 | |
So I think the music is just there to give them | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
a little bit of recovery time. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:57 | |
Do you do this? Am I putting you into Room 101? | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
I don't do it... I don't do it that much. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
I did it... Oh, I'm so... I didn't realise YOU did it! | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
I don't do it often. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:05 | |
I interrupted - I played Vertigo by U2 a while back, | 0:13:05 | 0:13:10 | |
and in the middle of it, I came in and started talking. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
In the middle? That's even worse. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
Yes, because they'd interrupted my iTunes music with their album. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:18 | |
They started it. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
I tell you what I do more and more, I found, as I get older. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:31 | |
There are lots of songs I just don't know the words to at all. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
That does not stop me singing along. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
So, Elton John is one of my favourites for this, | 0:13:37 | 0:13:41 | |
because you can get away with knowing almost no words at all. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
So, if you get something like Candle In The Wind, I'll know | 0:13:44 | 0:13:48 | |
the first bit and I'll go, | 0:13:48 | 0:13:49 | |
# Goodbye, Norma Jean... # | 0:13:49 | 0:13:50 | |
HE SCATS NONSENSE | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
And it works perfectly well. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
Kings Of Leon are exactly the same. HE SCATS NONSENSE | 0:14:01 | 0:14:05 | |
You see? | 0:14:08 | 0:14:09 | |
Do you not sing along to songs yourself? | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
Yes, I do. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
Surely that's... Yes, I do, but, um... | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
Yes, that's a good point. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
I do sing along to the song myself, but... Yeah, OK. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
Well... | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
Thanks, Russell. You've saved me a lot of time. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:29 | |
I tell you what I do like, and that is a fabulous radio voice. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:36 | |
There was a guy in America who had fallen on hard times, | 0:14:36 | 0:14:41 | |
but although he'd fallen on hard times, | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
he's managed to retain his fabulous radio voice. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
MAN: Hey. I'm going to make you work for your dollar. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:51 | |
Say something with that great radio voice. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
When you're listening to nothing but the best of oldies, | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
you're listening to Magic 98.9. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
Thank you so much. God bless you. Thank you. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:02 | |
And we'll be back with more right after these words. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
And don't forget, tomorrow morning is your chance to win | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
a pair of tickets to see this man live in concert. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
Oh, they have the best homeless people in America. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
So, anyway, at the end of that, um, I feel your pain with DJs who sing | 0:15:18 | 0:15:24 | |
over songs, and dreaming, I don't think you know what you've got. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:29 | |
Your dreams sound great. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
You should learn to enjoy them more. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
Oh, here we go again. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
I would like to have your dreams... | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
Yes. ..instead of putting them in Room 101. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
You should write a book. Your special dream book. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
I'm going to do one. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
The author's picture on the back is just me in a pyjama top. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
Anyway, the upshot is... | 0:15:51 | 0:15:52 | |
I hadn't really thought about this, John, but now you come to | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
mention it, the whole pepper thing is just ostentatious. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:59 | |
I've had enough of it. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:00 | |
I'm going to put enormous pepper grinders into Room 101. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:03 | |
Yeah. Good. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:08 | |
And so the next round. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:18 | |
BELL DINGS | 0:16:18 | 0:16:19 | |
OK. What's John got up his sleeve? | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
Predictive text. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
I hate it. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
My spelling is atrocious, right? So, that's fine. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
If I want to write something down, I want to take | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
notes on my notes on my phone, if it's phonetic, that's fine. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:42 | |
Or I'm travelling... | 0:16:42 | 0:16:43 | |
but they come out with the most bizarre words in the world. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:46 | |
When you write menus and stuff, it just makes words up. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
So, for instance, | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
there's a restaurant I go to all the time, and one day it | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
had on it a plate of roasted peppers and aboriginals with pesto, because | 0:16:52 | 0:16:57 | |
it was supposed to be aubergines, and aubergines became aboriginals. | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
And as an Australian, you can understand that actually | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
cutting up an aboriginal and putting it with pesto is not a good idea. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:17:05 | 0:17:06 | |
I have a friend who was on a date, and she texted him... | 0:17:09 | 0:17:14 | |
He was at the bar, saying, "I'm upstairs with wine", | 0:17:14 | 0:17:18 | |
but it said, "I'm upstairs with wind." | 0:17:18 | 0:17:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:22 | 0:17:23 | |
I had a belter from my mum the other day. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
She said, "All right, Russ, fancy a meal?" | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
Now, that's what she claimed that's what she wanted. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
Which she quickly said, "I meant, meal, meal, meal, meal." | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
Because she put, "Fancy anal?" LAUGHTER | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
Does that mean that she's used that word a few times for it | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
to go to that as the first word? | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
Do you know, I hadn't even thought about that. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
I texted somebody recently, a friend, | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
who has split up with her boyfriend and she was going away on her own. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:55 | |
And I wanted to say, "Hope you have a lovely time." | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
And I looked back at my text and I sent, | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
"Hope you have a lonely time." | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
I'll tell you what, since you mentioned this, John, | 0:18:03 | 0:18:06 | |
since I knew you were going to do this, | 0:18:06 | 0:18:07 | |
I tried to see how poetic predictive text was. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:12 | |
So I typed into my smartphone... | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
The options were... | 0:18:18 | 0:18:19 | |
Result, a result of. ..as a whole. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:25 | |
"I wandered lonely as a whole." | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
That's my life. "I wandered lonely as a result of... | 0:18:28 | 0:18:31 | |
"..being upstairs with wind." | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
The other one that's really, really annoying is, when you use | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
your notes, or something, and you actually just want to write, | 0:18:37 | 0:18:40 | |
I don't know, a word or something, and it just comes up with the most | 0:18:40 | 0:18:43 | |
ridiculous thing in the world. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:44 | |
What if people did it? If you said, "I'm feeling g..." | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
and they went, "Good? "Glandular? Gambian?" | 0:18:47 | 0:18:50 | |
On the misprint front, | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
this is an edition of the Bible which came out in 1631. | 0:18:55 | 0:19:00 | |
Maybe one of the most famous text failures of all time. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:04 | |
You see there... Maybe you don't spot it at first, | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
but the second one came out as, "Thou SHALT commit adultery." | 0:19:08 | 0:19:12 | |
I've used it as a loophole with my priest a couple of times. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
So, do you use it much, John? | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
No, I hate it. I don't use it at all. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:22 | |
You can switch it off, can't you? Well, you can. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
It's the, sort of, the spell-check changed my words whilst I'm... | 0:19:24 | 0:19:28 | |
And typing recipes, you use, sort of, weird words | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
and weird phrases, like "mise en place" and, you know, bits of | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
French and bits of Italian, and it just changes on you halfway through. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:36 | |
You go, "Argh!" | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
That's what really upsets me more than anything. | 0:19:38 | 0:19:39 | |
Put a red line under it and say, yes, it's spelt wrong, | 0:19:39 | 0:19:43 | |
and I can make a choice, but don't change my spelling of my words. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
Homogenized language, it's so presumptuous | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
and it's going to basically dumb us all down | 0:19:49 | 0:19:51 | |
because I use Latin a lot in my text, so... Do you? | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
No. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
But if I did, if I did, it wouldn't know what I was talking about | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
and it would change it. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:00 | |
That would be great, wouldn't it? | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
"Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori." | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
Do you mean Maureen? | 0:20:05 | 0:20:06 | |
Have you ever typed in "Torode"? | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
Yeah. Well, it used to come up as "torrid". | 0:20:11 | 0:20:15 | |
Oh. Which was always quite nice. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
I tried it, as a homage to you, and I got "toroidal", which is | 0:20:17 | 0:20:21 | |
a word I'd never heard of. Do you know it? | 0:20:21 | 0:20:23 | |
What does it mean, Frank? It means donut-shaped. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:25 | 0:20:27 | |
Anyway, what's Russell's choice? | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
Grumpy kids. CHEERING | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
Exactly. Right? | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
I was in a restaurant the other day, and I heard a child say, | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
"Oh, Wagamama again." | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
I used to lose my mind when I went to a Harvester. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
Lose my mind. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
Go into school the next day. | 0:20:57 | 0:20:58 | |
"Salad bar. Amazing. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
"I had an Italian dish called a la-sag-nea." | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
They've got everything. They're whining. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
They've got wheels in their shoes, iPads, Sky Plus. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:10 | |
If you'd shown me Sky Plus when I was ten, I'd have thought | 0:21:10 | 0:21:13 | |
you're a wizard, like that, pausing the telly. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
And, like, could have been so much worse...just... | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
Every kid I see today, like, I'm talking about ten-year-olds... | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
IMITATES WHINING ..just whining, tubby messes, and... | 0:21:20 | 0:21:24 | |
IMITATES WHINING It just does my head in. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:29 | |
But it could have been worse. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:30 | |
You could have grown up in the '80s, where, you know, | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
the telly was awash with offenders and, you know... | 0:21:32 | 0:21:37 | |
It was, you know. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:38 | |
And, like, think of the hours we played the recorder. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
The HOURS we did that. Have we ever needed it? | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
I've never been at a party, "I know what this needs." | 0:21:45 | 0:21:48 | |
IMITATES RECORDER | 0:21:48 | 0:21:49 | |
Girls in the corner, "Do you know Little Donkey? | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
"You know I do." | 0:21:51 | 0:21:52 | |
We invented our own fun. Like, girls at our school always used to... | 0:21:54 | 0:21:58 | |
Remember that, "Pick a number, pick a colour, | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
"pick a number, pick a colour"? | 0:22:00 | 0:22:01 | |
I don't know, "Red." "R-E-D." | 0:22:01 | 0:22:02 | |
"Number!" "Three." | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
"One, two, three. 'You're a dick.'" You know? | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
We have a picture of you when you were a, I think, 12-year-old, | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
Russell. Oh, really? OK. Oh, there you go. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
Ah! | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
Ah! What a happy child. APPLAUSE | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
Well, I haven't seen that for a long... | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
I look a bit like Harry Potter's German pen-pal. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
Who would have thought that when I sat for that picture it would | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
end up on telly and people would just be like..? | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
I know. Yeah, just... "Just smile. What's the worst that can happen?" | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
"All right." | 0:22:40 | 0:22:41 | |
When I was at school, the big game for us was a thing called | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
pile-ups, where one kid lay on the floor and 50 kids lay on top. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:51 | |
You'd be on the bottom, thinking, | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
"Shouldn't my ribcage be inside my blazer?" | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
I feel a bit sorry for kids now, though. | 0:22:56 | 0:22:59 | |
I live in quite a, sort of, posh bit of London, | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
and I think the kids there just don't get enough sugar. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
They ask for a Cornetto, they get a little box of raisins. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
That's not parenting. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
Exactly. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
I remember... Do you remember Angel Delight? | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
Now, there's a pudding. Yes. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:21 | |
You have one bit of that and you go, "I'm going on the roof". | 0:23:21 | 0:23:24 | |
And my sister - | 0:23:24 | 0:23:25 | |
it's one of the greatest moments in the Howard family. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
My sister was eating Angel Delight, and she goes, | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
"Dad, what's Angel Delight made of?" | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
And my dad just went, "Dead angels." | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
That's parenting. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:37 | |
Me and my brother were like, "This is the best day ever." | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
And Nesquik. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:43 | |
Oh, yeah. Damn right. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
I used to have that in water. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:46 | |
Yes. GROANS | 0:23:46 | 0:23:47 | |
We were poor. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
Are you booing me for being poor?! | 0:23:51 | 0:23:52 | |
Very good for making cakes. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
Instead of using sugar - flavoured Nesquik - | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
you use chocolate flavour or strawberry flavour instead | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
of using sugar, and then you've got strawberry or chocolate cake. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
Oh, right. And that cake, I tell you, your kids are running round | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
the back yard - "Whey!" | 0:24:06 | 0:24:07 | |
People are writing your stuff down, John. Fantastic. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:13 | |
But on predictive text it says something else completely. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
The technology thing, I mean, as you said, they've got everything now. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
I remember occasionally, towards the end of school, | 0:24:20 | 0:24:24 | |
VHSs were just coming in, when I was at school. Yeah. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:28 | |
And sometimes, a teacher, instead of doing a lesson, would show us | 0:24:28 | 0:24:31 | |
a VHS, and there was a man called Mr Barton, | 0:24:31 | 0:24:35 | |
and he would bring in the telly with the VHS recorder on wheels, | 0:24:35 | 0:24:39 | |
and he used to wear a lab coat. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
A lab coat! | 0:24:44 | 0:24:45 | |
But then he would leave us and the teacher would sit with us | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
and watch the VHS. Towards the end, the teacher would go and get | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
Mr Barton to come and switch it off. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:53 | |
I'm glad we're a bit more technology-literate than that. | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
That's what does my head in. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
It's just like... It's just everything. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:01 | |
Be a bit more joy... Like iPods. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:03 | |
How extraordinary are they? | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
You've got every song you love in your hand. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:08 | |
It's amazing. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:09 | |
Every song... | 0:25:09 | 0:25:10 | |
Like we had, Walkmans, you know, you would have a tape and then | 0:25:10 | 0:25:14 | |
that used to knacker up and you had to get a pen out and scrunch it. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
Then we had Discman. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
Do you remember the Discman, with the CD? It was great. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
You'd be, like, listening to it like you were a butler, | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
just having to, kind of, carry it around like that. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:28 | |
Awful. I'm mostly moaning, but I guess the whole point is that you | 0:25:29 | 0:25:33 | |
should just be happy when you're a nipper and it just feels like maybe | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
they've got too many things and should have those taken away. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
It's difficult, isn't it? | 0:25:38 | 0:25:40 | |
Because I didn't have sushi until I was 25 and I love it now, | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
but my kids will probably have it when they're five, | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
and it's that weird thing of... You should have stuff to look | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
forward to, rather than just, "Right, there's everything." | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
It feels like they've got everything, so it's kind of harder | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
to get towards fun, because you kind of go... | 0:25:53 | 0:25:57 | |
if you start off on fun... | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
..it ends up on cocaine. LAUGHTER | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
I'm going to show you a clip, to prove that it's a dangerous life | 0:26:11 | 0:26:14 | |
being a child now, | 0:26:14 | 0:26:15 | |
even in what you would think was the safest of environments. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
OK. Young girl meets the Queen. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
Watch that young girl. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:26 | |
AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
She was fine. LAUGHTER | 0:26:40 | 0:26:43 | |
Good job he wasn't with a bayonet. | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
Kids should be jolly, I think. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
Yeah. Well, thank you for your advice. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:52 | |
Because, I think it's the sort of thing, we had | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
nothing and we were always happy. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:56 | |
Like, mainly because I grew up with my brother and he was amazing. | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
My brother, genuinely, when he used to get really giddy | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
he used to get naked, up until the age of about five. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
It was amazing. And over nothing. It used to drive Mum mad. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
"Do you want some toast? Just nod. For Christ's sake, just nod." | 0:27:07 | 0:27:13 | |
I wish he still he did it. He got a mortgage the other day. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:16 | |
That would have been amazing. | 0:27:16 | 0:27:17 | |
Anyway, what's Katherine angry about? | 0:27:20 | 0:27:24 | |
OK. It's women who, er, | 0:27:29 | 0:27:31 | |
cross their legs when they're having their photo taken. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
So, somewhere along the line, there became this sort of position | 0:27:34 | 0:27:38 | |
that every woman who's having her photo taken, | 0:27:38 | 0:27:41 | |
sort of, head-to-toe photo, has to sort of assume this position. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
Obviously, it's supposed to elongate and slim. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:48 | |
Can I say? I'd never heard of this before. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
So, can you just tell us, what is the theory behind it? | 0:27:51 | 0:27:54 | |
I don't know what the theory is behind it, but basically | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
you're supposed to stand... | 0:27:56 | 0:27:58 | |
You can see I look better now. | 0:28:00 | 0:28:02 | |
Yeah. | 0:28:02 | 0:28:03 | |
Everyone is supposed to stand like that | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
when they have their photo taken. | 0:28:05 | 0:28:08 | |
I felt, when I was, sort of, assuming this position, | 0:28:08 | 0:28:11 | |
like an idiot for doing it, cos of course you're just going, | 0:28:11 | 0:28:13 | |
"I'm doing this cos it's the thing to be done." | 0:28:13 | 0:28:15 | |
Also, it's very difficult to do when you've got heels on, | 0:28:15 | 0:28:18 | |
because you lose your balance, and you have to sort of throw | 0:28:18 | 0:28:20 | |
your body a bit forward to stay | 0:28:20 | 0:28:22 | |
balanced in that position, and then you look really, really stupid. | 0:28:22 | 0:28:27 | |
Um, and so after that, I just sort of... | 0:28:27 | 0:28:29 | |
I stand with my legs ajar, and then you look like you're | 0:28:29 | 0:28:32 | |
in a birthing position, and that's not good either. | 0:28:32 | 0:28:35 | |
Well, when I knew you'd chosen this, I thought, "I've never even | 0:28:35 | 0:28:39 | |
"been aware of that phenomenon," but since, I notice it's everywhere. | 0:28:39 | 0:28:43 | |
Just an example, this is Miley Cyrus arriving somewhere lovely. | 0:28:43 | 0:28:47 | |
There she is, doing exactly that. | 0:28:49 | 0:28:51 | |
It's quite strange, don't you think? | 0:28:51 | 0:28:53 | |
The outfit is quite strange. | 0:28:53 | 0:28:54 | |
What's she wearing? She looks like a cheese grater. | 0:28:54 | 0:28:57 | |
Well, for the sake of symmetry, | 0:28:59 | 0:29:01 | |
she should have crossed her cleavage, as well. | 0:29:01 | 0:29:04 | |
I was once at... Do remember Garry Bushell... | 0:29:04 | 0:29:07 | |
I do, yeah. ..the tabloid journalist? | 0:29:07 | 0:29:10 | |
I was having my photo took with him and he advised me that the best way | 0:29:10 | 0:29:13 | |
to get a natural grin is to make a laughing noise when you do it. | 0:29:13 | 0:29:18 | |
So you look at the camera and go... HE CHUCKLES | 0:29:18 | 0:29:22 | |
And it works. It does actually look much better. | 0:29:22 | 0:29:25 | |
I'm terrified. | 0:29:25 | 0:29:27 | |
But I've been in wedding photos when I'm the only one doing it. | 0:29:27 | 0:29:30 | |
And people... And everyone is, like, looking at you. Exactly. | 0:29:32 | 0:29:36 | |
When you look at the picture, everyone else... | 0:29:36 | 0:29:39 | |
I took my mum to a premiere. | 0:29:41 | 0:29:43 | |
It was one of the coolest things I've ever done. | 0:29:43 | 0:29:45 | |
I'm going to have to stand up to show what she did. Right? | 0:29:45 | 0:29:47 | |
So basically, what the ladies do, they do | 0:29:47 | 0:29:49 | |
this thing where they walk to the camera and do that. | 0:29:49 | 0:29:51 | |
Does that annoy you? They do the sideways thing. Oh, yeah. | 0:29:51 | 0:29:54 | |
I've got a very short neck | 0:29:54 | 0:29:56 | |
and I just look like a budgie when I do that. | 0:29:56 | 0:29:58 | |
So, my mum is five foot, and nobody had taught her, | 0:29:58 | 0:30:00 | |
so all the paparazzi were there, and Mum just kind of ran at them | 0:30:00 | 0:30:03 | |
and just, kind of, went like that. | 0:30:03 | 0:30:04 | |
It was genuinely... | 0:30:07 | 0:30:09 | |
It was like watching a Yorkshire pudding move carrots out of the way. | 0:30:09 | 0:30:13 | |
That thing that you're on about, we've got Anne Hathaway, | 0:30:14 | 0:30:18 | |
actually... It seems the least natural pose you could ever... | 0:30:18 | 0:30:23 | |
I mean we're over here, Anne. | 0:30:24 | 0:30:26 | |
I've done that pose, but only when I've been at a urinal. | 0:30:27 | 0:30:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:30:30 | 0:30:31 | |
Did you see the Oscars? | 0:30:36 | 0:30:38 | |
At the Oscars, just everybody, everybody was doing it. | 0:30:38 | 0:30:42 | |
I don't know if you saw this. | 0:30:42 | 0:30:43 | |
Outrageous. | 0:30:48 | 0:30:49 | |
But you're right, though. | 0:30:49 | 0:30:51 | |
Now I know about it, I see it everywhere. | 0:30:51 | 0:30:53 | |
I bought this the other day. | 0:30:53 | 0:30:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:30:56 | 0:30:57 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:31:00 | 0:31:02 | |
Oh, it's difficult, this one. | 0:31:05 | 0:31:07 | |
I know what you mean about the old predictive text, | 0:31:07 | 0:31:10 | |
because I like the joy of spelling things wrong | 0:31:10 | 0:31:12 | |
and making up words and saying odd stuff, and it does keep | 0:31:12 | 0:31:16 | |
correcting you all the time, which is a really bad thing. | 0:31:16 | 0:31:19 | |
Grumpy kids, you're right, but I'm sure kids, | 0:31:19 | 0:31:22 | |
when you were a kid, used to be grumpy, as well. | 0:31:22 | 0:31:24 | |
That's part of... Probably. It's just... | 0:31:24 | 0:31:26 | |
Part of the thing. | 0:31:26 | 0:31:27 | |
The crossed legs thing, what I like about yours, I think | 0:31:27 | 0:31:30 | |
for women who've got one very ugly knee... | 0:31:30 | 0:31:33 | |
..that's really helpful. | 0:31:35 | 0:31:36 | |
That's very personal. | 0:31:36 | 0:31:38 | |
I wasn't referring to that one. | 0:31:38 | 0:31:40 | |
Anyway, look, the bottom line is I think that the language is sacred, | 0:31:44 | 0:31:48 | |
and our right to get it wrong and to mess about with it is important. | 0:31:48 | 0:31:52 | |
So I am going to put predictive text into Room 101. | 0:31:52 | 0:31:55 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:31:55 | 0:31:56 | |
Very good. | 0:31:58 | 0:31:59 | |
Good job. Hate the bloody thing. | 0:31:59 | 0:32:02 | |
Well, we've just got time to hear a bonus choice. | 0:32:08 | 0:32:10 | |
So, let's see what Russell goes for. | 0:32:10 | 0:32:12 | |
When you're... Yeah. | 0:32:17 | 0:32:18 | |
When your tummy rumbles. | 0:32:18 | 0:32:20 | |
I don't like it. It's creepy. Um... | 0:32:20 | 0:32:22 | |
Because you can kind of cover up a fart, you can just...you can just... | 0:32:22 | 0:32:26 | |
IMITATES FARTING ..and just... | 0:32:26 | 0:32:28 | |
You can sort of swallow a burp, but you can't stop belly rumbling. | 0:32:28 | 0:32:32 | |
It's just there... "Argh acchh arrghh acch." | 0:32:32 | 0:32:35 | |
It sounds like a devil baby. "Arrgh acchh arrrgh." | 0:32:35 | 0:32:38 | |
And you've got like... You can once, you can go, "Oh, someone is hungry." | 0:32:38 | 0:32:41 | |
And then you've got nothing else to say. | 0:32:41 | 0:32:44 | |
"Arrgh acch arrghh. Ar...rgh ah." | 0:32:44 | 0:32:47 | |
It's the only part of your body that moans. | 0:32:47 | 0:32:49 | |
GRAVELLY: "I'm hungry." | 0:32:49 | 0:32:52 | |
Your bladder doesn't go... HIGH-PITCHED: "..I need a wee." | 0:32:52 | 0:32:55 | |
IMITATES RUMBLING | 0:32:55 | 0:32:57 | |
Or sometimes it sounds like a dog that's been left in the garden. | 0:32:57 | 0:33:00 | |
HIGH-PITCHED WHINE | 0:33:00 | 0:33:02 | |
I've got a friend and she works in the fashion industry. | 0:33:02 | 0:33:06 | |
And she says in her office... | 0:33:06 | 0:33:08 | |
Obviously, in the fashion industry, it's quite popular to be slim. | 0:33:08 | 0:33:13 | |
And in her office, if anyone's stomach rumbles, they all applaud. | 0:33:13 | 0:33:17 | |
It's like, also when you yawn and it's maybe 1/40 yawns | 0:33:22 | 0:33:26 | |
you just get a spray. Oh, yeah! There's nothing you can do about it. | 0:33:26 | 0:33:30 | |
You yawn like you normally do and then... | 0:33:30 | 0:33:33 | |
Like that. | 0:33:33 | 0:33:35 | |
"Sorry." I know. And it's always like three... | 0:33:35 | 0:33:37 | |
Where does it... Like that. | 0:33:37 | 0:33:40 | |
If your stomach is going... | 0:33:40 | 0:33:41 | |
Did you say sometimes it goes... "Oooh-ooh-ooh"? | 0:33:41 | 0:33:44 | |
Yeah, like... And you are spouting. | 0:33:44 | 0:33:46 | |
Could you possibly be a whale? Yeah. | 0:33:46 | 0:33:48 | |
So, I associate this with moments I remember with great horror. | 0:33:49 | 0:33:55 | |
And it's like early dates in a relationship... Yeah. | 0:33:55 | 0:33:58 | |
When, say, the woman comes round your flat | 0:33:58 | 0:34:02 | |
and you are having to imprison an enormous amount of internal wind... | 0:34:02 | 0:34:07 | |
Yeah. ..as the night goes on. | 0:34:07 | 0:34:09 | |
And you are sitting saying... | 0:34:09 | 0:34:11 | |
STRAINED: "Yeah, it's... You've got beautiful eyes." | 0:34:11 | 0:34:15 | |
I remember doing it once and it was a nightmare... | 0:34:15 | 0:34:20 | |
..the whole holding in of it. | 0:34:20 | 0:34:23 | |
And she left after about four hours | 0:34:23 | 0:34:27 | |
and I released wind... | 0:34:27 | 0:34:29 | |
..for maybe four to five minutes. | 0:34:30 | 0:34:32 | |
But then a knock came on the door. | 0:34:37 | 0:34:39 | |
Honestly, and she had forgotten her scarf. | 0:34:41 | 0:34:43 | |
And so I went to the door and she... | 0:34:45 | 0:34:48 | |
By this stage, she had lit up a cigarette. | 0:34:48 | 0:34:51 | |
And I thought, "You can't come in, you will kill us both | 0:34:51 | 0:34:54 | |
"and do quite a lot of damage to the adjoining houses." | 0:34:54 | 0:34:58 | |
So, I just sort of... I was so terrible. I couldn't let her in. | 0:34:58 | 0:35:02 | |
You must have done... Oh, it's a nightmare. Oh, it's awful. | 0:35:03 | 0:35:06 | |
Yeah, like everything is tense and tight and straining. | 0:35:06 | 0:35:11 | |
Yeah, it's brutal. | 0:35:11 | 0:35:13 | |
I find this is something that comes out accidentally early on in | 0:35:13 | 0:35:16 | |
a relationship and can cause... | 0:35:16 | 0:35:18 | |
I have this dilemma. Oh, nice. Which, I don't know if you can... | 0:35:18 | 0:35:23 | |
Yes, well that's the erection...reaction. | 0:35:24 | 0:35:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:35:27 | 0:35:31 | |
I hate you Freud! | 0:35:31 | 0:35:33 | |
It's great for hitchhiking cos you can do dipped and full beam. | 0:35:35 | 0:35:40 | |
I'll tell you what's a really awkward one. | 0:35:42 | 0:35:44 | |
And this might just be me. | 0:35:44 | 0:35:45 | |
I hate this, but if you are having a number two in a toilet... | 0:35:45 | 0:35:48 | |
ONE PERSON LAUGHS LOUDLY | 0:35:48 | 0:35:50 | |
I have to run a tap just so nobody will hear the noise | 0:35:50 | 0:35:56 | |
that it makes when hits the water. | 0:35:56 | 0:35:57 | |
What am I afraid of? That's a British thing. | 0:35:57 | 0:35:59 | |
But like anyone is going to go, "Call the police now. | 0:35:59 | 0:36:03 | |
"There's a man in there drowning a Chihuahua." | 0:36:03 | 0:36:05 | |
I don't think people should even do it in public toilets. | 0:36:08 | 0:36:11 | |
Sometimes you have to. | 0:36:11 | 0:36:12 | |
No, you don't. Go home. | 0:36:12 | 0:36:14 | |
I've actually gone into a toilet and gone, "Oh, get a room!" | 0:36:16 | 0:36:19 | |
Is that a British thing? | 0:36:21 | 0:36:23 | |
Do you think on the Continent they would just sort of not hold it in? | 0:36:23 | 0:36:26 | |
No, it's normally about five dates and then, "Brah brah!" | 0:36:26 | 0:36:31 | |
Then it's full frog chorus. | 0:36:31 | 0:36:34 | |
I'm not a big fan of... I don't like sharing it that much. | 0:36:34 | 0:36:37 | |
I'm not saying... I'm not going to go, "I've got one for you. | 0:36:39 | 0:36:42 | |
"Count me in. A two, three, four." You know. | 0:36:43 | 0:36:46 | |
You must. You've got a kid together, surely you'd go for it. | 0:36:46 | 0:36:49 | |
Well, now, but we've been together 15 years now. | 0:36:49 | 0:36:51 | |
Both of us have completely lost control. | 0:36:51 | 0:36:53 | |
It's like a post-nuclear wasteland in our house. | 0:36:55 | 0:36:58 | |
You know what, Russell, it's a fantastic choice. | 0:37:01 | 0:37:03 | |
I'm going to put it in Room 101. | 0:37:03 | 0:37:05 | |
And that brings us to the end of the show. | 0:37:15 | 0:37:17 | |
Well done, John, you were the most persuasive guest, | 0:37:17 | 0:37:19 | |
so you are this week's winner. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:37:19 | 0:37:23 | |
Thank you to Russell Howard, John Torode and Katherine Parkinson, | 0:37:27 | 0:37:30 | |
and thank you. Goodnight. | 0:37:30 | 0:37:32 |