Episode 8 Room 101

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

CHEERING

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests explain what really winds them up

in the hope that I'll condemn said things to the grim environs of Room 101.

Joining me tonight are Strictly's Craig Revel Horwood,

actress Sheila Hancock

and comedian Jon Richardson.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, then, let's have our first category.

Special occasions. OK, let's see what Sheila doesn't like about special occasions.

APPLAUSE

Oh!

BOOM!

It's obvious - fireworks. Fireworks.

But I have to say, if fireworks were still like that, I'd like them.

I remember the days when it was just a few sparklers, you know,

and a Catherine wheel against the shed

and a rocket in a jam jar.

But it's those endless ceremonies that go on

and everybody goes, "Oooh! Aaaahhh!"

-Do people actually go ooh and ah?

-Yes!

You're made to, aren't you? You're actually made to.

Do you go to firework displays in Bristol?

-Maybe it has something to do with your age, darling.

-Maybe it has. AUDIENCE OOHS

-No...

-The fact that you've seen it all before and you're tired of it.

He's absolutely right. I was a child during the Blitz and I see no fun...

APPLAUSE It's absolutely true.

And this is the reason why I should win this round

because I had this sad childhood with lots of banging going on...

Well, no...

I'll show you what I think is my favourite firework display ever.

This is from Mexico.

BANGING

-Now, you'd pay to see that, wouldn't you?

-You're going to love fireworks. You've got to love them.

OK, what doesn't Craig like about special occasions?

-Wedding speeches.

-Mm!

-I detest them, darling.

I cannot sit through them.

I think they should be outlawed.

People get up, they think they're public speakers

and, of course, they're clearly not.

Everyone wants to have a go at it

and I think they're absolutely dreadful.

I think if you're going to make a speech you should be an actor

or at least have it rehearsed in some shape or form.

I think it's absolutely heinous.

I think you're missing the point.

I like the fact the fact that they're so bad.

I love to walk past the best man afterwards

who's sitting like this, heartbroken,

and just say very gently, "Not as easy as it looks, is it?"

The other thing is they're almost always about the bride and groom.

Let's have a bit of variety. Let's have a wedding speech about the Industrial Revolution or...

-Well, it would be far more interesting, generally.

-Yeah.

But, Craig, I would have thought you'd do a brilliant best man's speech.

Anyone who can say to Gavin Henson, "My floorboards at home have more movement than that."

That's what you want in wedding speeches, those little...

Robbie Savage - "Your hands were, on occasion, like soup ladles...

"darling."

You'd be perfect for it.

OK, what doesn't Jon Richardson like about special occasions?

DISCO MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

-It's dancing.

-You don't like dancing?

I'm sure this is one we'll all agree with.

I hate it. I don't mind other people doing it, that's fine.

If you say you don't drink, people say, "You don't have to drink."

But if you say you don't like dancing, people pack around you

and ply you with alcohol until you're so drunk

that you do it against your will.

It's assault, is what it is.

But I hate it. I hate the movement of it.

It's just arrogant walking.

I don't mind if people... I like football.

I don't have parties and make everyone play five-a-side.

Lob a ball. "Go on, Grandma, slide tackle. Do you want it or not?"

You must like some dancing, don't you?

-Macarena.

-You could easily do the Macarena.

-All right.

-That's for anybody, darling.

You see, this already has become, "Let's start you off...

-Let's starts you off gently, darling.

-APPLAUSE

I'm with Craig. I'm with Craig. I love the Macarena.

I'll show you what the Macarena is, if you don't mind.

MUSIC: "The Macarena"

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

Shall I carry on? I won't carry on. That's it.

-Brilliant.

-CHEERING

You must have enjoyed that. Listen to that - they love it.

Do you have to do like the Kenneth Williams mouth thing when you do it?

Well, I do.

Ooh!

What I love is that when you said, "I want to put dancing in,"

Craig looked across at you exactly like Len Goodman looks at Craig

when you give someone like three and he goes...

I think you need to learn. Have you ever had any dance lessons?

-No!

-See that... That helps, I think.

I had a Lambada lesson

and the man said the way to remember to do the Lambada,

with the hip thing,

imagine you've got a pencil up your bottom pointing out

and you're drawing a number eight on a wall.

Try it. I sign all my autographs like that now.

-No but that's...

-I avoid any hobby

that starts with lesson one being, "Imagine you've got a pencil..."

I would sign up for all of that.

-Craig, you've raised your legs for money...

-I have, darling.

-You must think that dancing is the centre of the universe, in many ways.

-It's my life,

so I can't imagine my life without it, to be honest.

I think you're missing out on an enormous part of life, quite frankly,

and I think you're one of the dullest people

I've ever had the pleasure of sitting next to.

-BOOING

-Oh! Oh!

There is something, I believe it's been scientifically proven,

that there is an instinct to dance in the human being -

right back to prehistoric times, they danced.

-So why haven't you?

-It's called evolution.

APPLAUSE

OK, so we now come to our decision time for this round.

Well, erm, Jon, I'm a terrible dancer

-and I...

-I know, I've seen it.

-Yeah. And it is, it's very...

Oh, my God!

APPLAUSE

That could've hit me.

So I'm going to put fireworks into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, let's have our next category.

Friends and family. Lovely.

So what doesn't Sheila like about friends and family?

That's people who give me scented candles.

-APPLAUSE

-Of course!

I just wish they wouldn't.

I have got cupboards full of scented...

They smell of rosemary, spice, the most extraordinary mixtures.

They cost a fortune.

I actually saw a scented candle the other day that cost £300.

-Blimey.

-And I would rather have the money, in fact.

I read a magazine article and it said, "If you have a bath in candlelight with scented candles,

"it's very relaxing."

So I thought, OK, I'll try and get some of these hundreds of candles I've got

and I put them round the bath and I lit them and I had a glass of wine

and I thought, "This is all right,"

and I reached for the soap and I burnt myself.

Look - there is a scar caused by a scented candle.

-Oh!

-So I hate them.

-But I bet it smells lovely.

What worries me is that if you get rid of scented candles,

you're basically stopping the blind from enjoying candles.

Oh!

-But the blind...

-Is that the kind of person you want to be, Sheila?

I am helping the blind because...

I mean, let's put Labradors in Room 101.

They'll set fire to their hair and things.

I know people who've gone up in flames

because they've bent over a...

So the blind will be injured by them.

But they can smell them. That's the whole point.

Yes but you can't locate exactly where a smell's coming from, can you?

-You feel the heat.

-Listen, I can't worry about all the blind people.

APPLAUSE

-I'm sorry!

-I tell you why men are running around on Christmas Eve buying scented candles.

It's because I for one really like them

and Christmas Eve is the only time you can buy them for yourself and pretend they're a gift.

You have to stock up for the year because no-one buys you scented candles.

You are weird! You don't dance and you buy scented candles.

It's very odd. I must speak to you afterwards about your childhood.

Very worrying.

Well, look, I've got some scented candles.

This one is bacon.

Oh, come on!

I've think we've all wondered what it would smell like

if Miss Piggy perished in a house fire.

Oh, don't!

This one is a bit unusual.

-This is urinal cake candle.

-Oh, come on!

You know, urinal cake, it isn't a cake.

It's not like another name for lemon drizzle.

It's... It's those things that you get in the urinals that stop germs.

-You those smelly...?

-No.

-It's that.

I mean, it's perfect for a romantic evening at George Michael's house.

I really don't know anything about George Michael,

-so I don't understand that joke.

-OK.

-I'll explain it later.

-Yeah?

You should talk to him about his childhood.

And then, of course, there's always this as a possibility.

-Look at that.

-Is it hot?

-Yeah.

And it smells of apple.

APPLAUSE

OK, well, I... It's an interesting angle, I must say.

So, friends and family - what winds up Jon Richardson about friends and family?

It's all my friends who are settling down.

AUDIENCE COOS

You're right to feel sorry for me. I'm alone now.

We made a bond when we were young based on what we enjoyed doing.

There was no physicality to it. We just found people who we liked spending time with.

Now they're all having sex and getting married

and I'm never going to see them again

unless their marriage breaks up,

in which case they'll come round in tears

and I'll be expected to piece them together

after years of holidays on my own. Er...

And I hope they're all miserable.

I hope they never share a moment's happiness with their partner

and I hope they realise that I've still got computer games at home

and lots of beer

and it will still be as much fun as it was before they all got pubes.

Have you considered Rentafriend?

There is actually an organisation called Rentafriend.

And it's not a dating agency. It's...

It's designed, if, say, I went to Chicago on my own on business,

I could phone them up and rent a friend to hang out with in Chicago.

That's how it works.

And also, I like the idea of working for Rentafriend as a friend

because I think I'd be quite a good friend to strangers for a night...

You might be but I don't think he would be.

"Where are we going? Disco?" "No."

"Fireworks display?" "It's been banned."

I'm here, darling, and I'm single.

I'll help you out.

-Ah!

-I would be too worried that a house was going to fall on you if we went out in those shoes.

I find that the periods when I've been single

I'm amazed at how much time I have.

You waste a lot of time in a relationship.

You do, though.

You spend, what, 25 minutes a week saying, "You all right?"

APPLAUSE

Have you heard of Idollators?

It's men who go out with dolls.

But not in a seedy way.

Dolls that are for proper platonic relationships.

-You're nodding, Craig.

-Yes, I've seen that.

-You've seen it?

-Yes, I have.

-What do you mean?

-Well, you can get...

-They're very human-like. They're almost...

-We have a picture.

-Yeah, they do. They absolutely love them.

-Yeah.

Until they get bored or their skin starts peeling

or their hair starts knotting and fading.

No, that's real women you're thinking of.

But people do it for companionship.

And as I say, it's not a physical thing.

It's just, you know, out for a drive and... Lovely. Jon?

Yeah, I'd give it a go.

I don't think you're ready for a relationship yet.

Even with a doll.

-No.

-I wasn't ready for this.

I know what I'm putting in in the next round.

APPLAUSE

-Oh, dear.

-So, friends and family -

what does Craig Revel Horwood not like about friends and family?

-Ugh! Yuck!

-House guests.

And actually, this is a perfect example.

They come round your house, you invite them into your home

and unfortunately, they leave toothpaste tubes like that,

they leave long hairs down the plughole, which I absolutely detest.

They use your towels.

They also do a vast array of things in the kitchen,

like leaving the dishes in the sink

when there's a perfectly good dishwasher right next door to it -

those sort of things.

They occupy too much of your space.

They spread themselves out around the house

like they own it.

-It drives me nuts.

-Who are these people?

-Family.

-Family.

My mother's in the audience. Hello, Mum.

Actually, she does contain herself quite neatly.

-You had to say that!

-Yes, but she does require three towels in the bathroom

and I only like seeing two there, you see.

-This is the thing.

-LAUGHTER

I never told you that, Mother, and they're not matching towels, either.

Do you normally live on your own?

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

So, erm, how often do you have people staying?

-Is that a normal thing for you?

-Yes, I have them staying quite a lot, actually.

-Really?

Well, I don't think you'll have any more coming now

if they watch this programme.

OK, so, Sheila, people who buy you scented candles,

I know scented candles are a bit of a... They're not a nice thing

but the fact that it's come from such a nice place

and they're trying to be nice,

I don't think I can put them in, to be honest.

And it is just the way of things

that people have to go off with people who are not their mates eventually, Jon.

So I'm sorry about that but, Craig, I think you're right.

House guests can be an utter and complete nightmare

and I'd be very happy to put house guests into Room 101.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Yes!

Bye.

OK, next category, please.

Ah, now, this is the wildcard category

because sometimes we feel we can constrain you in your hatred.

Now you can just choose anything you like -

the thing that you hate most of all.

So what really winds up Jon Richardson?

It's my brain.

I've just had enough of it. Just...

It's there every day when I wake up.

You talk about unwanted house guests - that's been in there 30 years

-and it's like a house guest...

-How old are you?

-30.

-OK.

It's like a house guest who's arrived and made it clear,

"I'm going to stay with you all the time, forever.

"And even when you go out, I'm going to follow you."

Because when I did this show I suddenly realised I hate everything.

It wasn't a matter of narrowing it down

or trying to find stuff I hate,

I would literally put anything in, at any point, and everything.

And there's nothing wrong with me. My body's fine, I've got nice friends and nice family.

I've got a nice job. So it must be my brain.

I'd rather have a dog's brain.

I'm sick of thinking about everything all the time.

Or Jedward. I'd rather have Jedward's brain.

-APPLAUSE

-Really.

Bearing in mind, if it goes into Room 101, it's... it's gone.

Fine. It'll be happy in there, there'll be fireworks on.

Is it true that you've got OCD or is that...? Or you've nearly got it?

-No, I've got traits of it.

-So how do they manifest themselves?

I just stress a lot about everything.

Like that's not parallel, really.

I'm sure it's good for the camera

-but it's not in line with the front of that.

-Yeah.

And that's wrong.

It's not a matter for debate. It's wrong.

I'm having to tolerate it because we're having such a nice time.

I get that toilet roll thing.

My girlfriend hangs the toilet roll so that the end is facing the wall.

-Leave her.

-And I want it...

I want the toilet paper to appear like it's being offered...

not been forcibly taken.

-You're definitely right because then you can just paw at it as well.

-Yeah!

The thing is, Jon, if I allow you to do this then, you know,

then the nation will lose one of their favourites.

The nation doesn't need me.

And one day, I won't be a comic and I'll just be this person.

Now, people laugh and they pay to hear me,

"Isn't it funny when you're walking and you can't stand on the thing?"

One day, I won't be a comedian, I'll just be in a pub.

"It took me hours to get here because they put a new grid in

"and I couldn't step over it because it's about one and a half paces

"and I've got an extra..." Ee-uh, ee-uh, ee-uh, ee-uh.

You can save people from that now, Frank.

Yeah but if you put your brain in

you could end up as a judge on a reality show.

True.

OK, now, let's see what is Sheila's wildcard.

Yes, it's ladies' toilets.

What puzzles me - I'm sorry, my fellow women -

but what do they do in the toilet?

Because they take hours and you stand there and you think,

"That woman is never going to come out. What are they doing?"

And talking of toilet rolls, I wonder if it's something to do with...

You know those big machines with toilet rolls?

And you can never get the bit of paper out...

-There are sort of teeth, sharp teeth.

-You just absolutely...

Maybe they're to get the paper out or whatever.

It's like, you know when you try to grab a dog's tongue to pull it out?

-I always imagine that they're beautiful places.

-No, they're not.

They're usually not at all.

I remember when I first went to France as a young girl,

I was an au pair and it was all those holes, remember?

You had to squat down over a terrible hole.

And the only place where there was a proper toilet

was the Mona Lisa gallery in the Louvre.

I know the Mona Lisa, every brushstroke -

I used to go every day.

-You can actually see it from the toilet?

-No, no!

It must be why she's pulling that face.

Also with the ladies, I don't know, I'd miss the urinal.

Well, I usually do. But I'd miss the...

This idea about having to go into an individual cubicle to go to the toilet -

-that's why it takes so long, isn't it?

-Yeah.

They have to sit down, don't they, as well.

I have no idea.

Are you aware of the Shewee, Sheila?

-The what?

-The Shewee.

-No.

I believe it was named after you.

This is a Shewee and it means that a lady can...

can go to the toilet very secretly,

so if you can't get into a toilet or you're on a long car journey,

you can put this into a bottle and...

You can use it for pick and mix, as well.

So erm... We come to Craig's wildcard.

-What's that?

-I'm a bit bemused by that one.

-I believe it's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.

-Yeah.

People who tell jokes all the time is my pet hate.

I can't stand it. At dinner parties, people that tell hideous jokes.

"Have you heard the one about...?" It's just boring.

I just have an out-of-body experience every time they do it.

Why don't you just say Bruce Forsyth and get it over with?

My problem is someone that consistently spouts off

heinously.

Are you thinking of any particular person?

No, he doesn't tell jokes.

-He's proved that tonight, darling.

-Ah, Craig!

-Take off your critic's boots!

-He's just funny.

-Are they critic boots?

-They are, yeah.

Do you know that you are actually...? That there is a joke about you?

I'm sure there's several.

It's not... I don't think it's unkind.

It's quite sweet. I think you'll like it.

I do a radio show and someone texted in,

"Why doesn't Craig Revel Horwood use as much spray tan as he used to?"

And they said, "It's cos no-one likes orange Revels."

LAUGHTER

-No, because it didn't...

-APPLAUSE

CHEERING

It's a cute, sweet joke

and, you know, it's affectionate towards you, don't you think?

It's offensive.

Have you ever laughed?

Not when you've been talking.

-AUDIENCE OOHING

-Ooh! Oh, my God, it's gone so wrong.

You must tell jokes, Craig, do you?

No.

-I'm not funny, that's why.

-Oh, come on.

-No, I'm not.

-You've got lots of laughs tonight.

-I don't remember one, darling.

Well, I don't remember one but I'm sure...

-Go on, tell us a gag.

-I don't know any.

And I'm seriously unfunny, I promise you.

If I tell you a gag now, will you tell it?

If I whisper a gag in your ear?

I'll give you a really short one, right?

This is...

-I've heard that before.

-I know you have.

Not at 8:30 on BBC1, you haven't.

LAUGHTER

So, Craig, have you got any gags for us?

What did zero say to the eight?

No idea.

Nice belt.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-I don't understand it.

-Oh...

-I don't get it either.

-I'm trying to build his confidence here, Sheila.

-He doesn't understand it either.

-I was so busy trying to think of the words...

What does the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt.

It's funny because numbers can't talk.

Yeah?

-Is that right?

-Because a zero is like that

-and an eight is pulled...

-Oh, I see it's a visual...

It's a visual joke.

-Yes!

-That's a zero and that's an eight.

I'm so glad I was here the night comedy died.

Anyway, I can't possibly put people who tell jokes all the time into Room 101

because otherwise I'll have to go in and that's impossible.

And I don't want to put Jon Richardson's brain in

because I quite like it.

Ladies' toilets I'd love to put in

because it's going to make just being out at night much more exciting.

So I am going to put ladies' toilets into Room 101.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Sheila. You're the most persuasive guest tonight,

so you are this week's winner.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So thank you very much, Jon Richardson, Craig Revel Horwood

and Sheila Hancock

and thank you - goodnight!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd