Episode 1 Room 101

APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to condemn

their deepest dislikes to the dreaded room.

Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories

and in each round only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are comedian Tim Vine, Mr Strictly, Len Goodman,

and actress Ronni Ancona.

APPLAUSE

Right, then, let's have our first category.

Going Out. OK, what doesn't Len like about going out?

All foreign food.

It all started with my grandad, really.

He said, "Never eat anything you can't spell,

"and never eat anything you wouldn't want to tread in".

I've got to be honest, I'm not an expert on foreign food

because I've never, ever had curry.

I've never had a curry, ever.

-Wow.

-Never?

-Never, ever, and I've never had spaghetti.

Blimey.

No. All that... and then the big, brown dollop.

No, thanks.

I have with my mates on occasion had to go into these places.

The first one was a Chinese...

-Right.

-..and they all... I couldn't order,

so they said, "We'll order it all for you",

and they ordered aromatic duck,

when it comes on, like, a little pancakey thing.

So up came this basket and I picked it up,

and I thought, "Oh, this is posh.

"They're the towels that you wipe your face on".

That was my first experience.

Yeah, you know, it's not as good as ham, egg and chips.

Not as good. Sushi. No.

Cockles and muscles and maybe a winkle, lovely jubbly. Olives?

I'll go for the olive. I don't know what that is.

Oh, that's a little samosa there.

Really?

So, I've got to just tell you this,

because they're very hospitable here on 101.

They said, "Would you like something to eat?"

I said, "Yeah, I'm starving," and I've kept the menu, right?

Oh, God.

I promise this is the menu that was given to me.

Moroccan chicken tagine,

vegetables and halloumi kebabs,

roasted harrissa potato wedges, mint yoghurt,

fresh herb and pomegranate tabbouleh.

I was given ham and egg.

They got the order wrong.

Can I...?

Can I just say that I use Moroccan chicken to help me count.

It's my aba-cous-cous.

Yeah, you know, I think we would all be healthier, fitter and happier

if we could go back to those days with fish and chips...

Oh, yes, eh?

-Lovely.

-Oh, you say that, but Brussels sprouts,

they're like the grapes of the devil.

-I love them. Oh, no.

-Evil little yellow hearts.

I love a Brussel, and specially... My nan used to tear them up

and put bits of bacon in... Oh, yum, yum, pig's bum, yes.

Love it.

You actually knew which part of the bacon it was.

Could it be...? Dare I say this, do you think this is

a sort of an older generation view of foreign food?

The old saying, you can't help how your mum put your hat on,

and that's how it is.

How you were brought up and grew up is how you are.

That's an old saying, but only in your house.

Only in my...only I know it.

That's dead on, yeah.

I tell you what I've found as I get older as well, I can't really enjoy

Alphabetti Spaghetti now unless I've got my reading glasses on.

Yeah.

One thing about foreign food, it is quite versatile.

This is just one of the things you can do with noodles.

-What is...?

-What is that?

-It's Chewbacca.

-Chewbacca.

Oh, it's Chewbacca!

It's what? Chewing tobacco?

No, it's Chewbacca.

Star Wars.

No, it's Chewbacca from Star Wars.

Oh, yes. I see, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, he's converted now.

I do understand that there's a huge industry with Mexican food

and Indian, Chinese...on and on.

It's just that it is not my cup of tea.

-Doesn't make me a bad person.

-No.

Does it, everyone?

-AUDIENCE:

-No.

-Thank you.

That was a party political broadcast on behalf of UKIP.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. Let's see what Tim doesn't like about going out.

Well, this is about karaoke.

Now, karaoke DJs is the thing I don't like, but it's a very specific

type of karaoke DJ, because I absolutely love karaoke.

It's the nearest I'm ever going to get to being a pop star.

I stand up in a pub in front of all these people

singing Desperado and I just love it. Completely love it.

In fact, I did karaoke at the Vatican.

London, Paris, New York, Munich, everybody talk about Pope music.

The point is, as we know,

the correct way that a karaoke DJ should do things is he says,

"Right, Mark next, Mark next," so the person comes up and sings

a song, goes down, and the karaoke DJ should say, "Next up, Sandra".

The next person comes up.

So you bring them on one after the other.

Another person, like this.

But the karaoke DJ that I absolutely cannot stand is the person

who says, "Mark next." The person comes up, right?

Then they go and sit back down again,

and then there's, like, 200 people in the pub.

We're all going, "Is it us next?"

He's got a pile of things here that people have written on

and he starts DJing.

So suddenly he's going,

"Holiday," and everyone is going, "Can we please...?"

and then that stops. You think, "OK, great,"

and then just when you think he's going to bring someone else up...

Can you feel the passion here?

Just when you think he's going to bring someone else up,

he starts singing himself.

Not only that, he's got his own mic.

So he pulls up a mic from...it's like a solid gold thing.

Turns out we've all been singing with some Fisher Price thing

that doesn't make any kind of noise at all, and it's just...

it's just so annoying.

It can ruin an evening, completely ruin an evening.

I wonder, though, Tim,

if he doesn't see himself as sort of leading by example, in a way.

You know the way kings used to lead their countries into battle?

Isn't it a bit like that, that he's part of the...

I suppose the modern equivalent would be Tom Daley on Splash.

What would you normally do karaoke, first choice?

I like to do Will Young songs,

because I do a sort of Will Young kind of impression.

Mmm.

# I'm here, just like I said

# Ah, ah, ah. #

# Think I'd better leave right now. #

HE HUMS

And the Bee Gees. I can do the Bee Gees as well.

# I'm here. #

The key, that's the scary thing.

I saw a man do... You know that...

# You're just too good to be true? #

-Yeah.

-This was at a club in Birmingham,

and he came onstage and he started...

# You're just too. #

And we all thought, "What about the bit that goes da-da?"

He hasn't thought ahead, this guy.

It got to the "ba-da, ba-da",

we were all absolutely on the edge of our seat.

"Ba-da." He still looked confident. "Ba!"

And then he went...

LAUGHTER

And we all sort of went, "Argh!"

Completely fell for it.

Japan, obviously, is the home of karaoke

and because they've had it longer than us, they've developed it...

-It's become a bit more sophisticated.

-Mmm.

This is the stage that Japanese karaoke has reached now.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Terrifying.

I love the woman's face, the one who goes, "Oh!"

with the joy of it all.

Anyway, let's see what Ronni doesn't like about going out.

Ah. Yes.

Small talk at parties.

Ah.

Those kind of endless, sort of meaningless

but polite conversations that you have to go through when you meet

somebody that you don't know at a party, and I'm not very good at it.

They normally are things like...

There's usually one, like, "Oh, where do you live?"

"Oh, I live in Peckham." "Oh, I know Peckham.

Whereabouts?" "Oh, near the Sainsbury's."

"Which one, because there are two?"

"Er, yeah. Well, you know the Duke Of Devonshire pub?"

"Oh, yes, I know, because a friend of mine, her cousin...

"her cousin used to live round there."

"Yeah, well, I'm not there. I'm Meredith Road."

"No, I don't know that."

I mean, it's not that I don't love people. Don't get me wrong.

-Of course not.

-It's just that life is too short.

You just kind of, sort of, want to jump in with, you know,

"Where do you stand on Nigel Farage?"

On his windpipe, preferably.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I always used to start by saying, "Nice shoes,"

if I was talking to a woman.

I might write that down.

Yeah. "Nice shoes." Unfortunately they couldn't hear me.

I was on the floor...

LAUGHTER

..usually in a pool of my own vomit.

But, you know, different times.

Do you ever get that thing when you're talking to someone

and they're looking over your shoulder to see

-if there's anyone more interesting?

-Yeah.

Yeah. Ever since I've been married that's happened.

I wear this for such occasions.

LAUGHTER

Then they can't see... They can't see over my shoulders.

Brilliant.

The great thing about this is

if they turn out to be a bit on the boring side, you can...

APPLAUSE

OK. So, look. The problem is, Len, if I...

No, don't start with that line.

Well, I actually like quite a bit of foreign food and...

So what? You've got to get the big picture.

It's not all me, me, me, is it?

LAUGHER

No...

Is it going to be like this every round?

-Yes, every one.

-OK.

I don't like the people who take over with the karaoke thing

because I think, yes, it should be a democracy

and everyone should be able to join in.

-But I do think it's about time we put a stop to small talk.

-Yes!

Why can't we go and just speak about the big things to people

-and not need all that little trivial nonsense and stuff?

-Yes.

So I'm going to put small talk at parties into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Next category, please.

It's Modern Life.

What doesn't Tim like about modern life?

Well...

I can explain what's happening here.

What I don't like about modern life,

which I think is now exacerbated by the amount of prank shows

there are on television nowadays, is the phrase "only joking".

This phrase apparently means you can do anything, as long as you

then say, "Only joking," afterwards, and then everything is all right.

This is an example of a physical thing that can happen. Here I am.

This is me here, and I'm quite slim there, and I've got a napkin.

I was playing tennis with a napkin.

I said, "Don't SERVIETTE."

Anyway...

I was sitting having a lovely meal

and this person here, he's pulled the chair away, I've fallen down,

probably hurt my vertebrae, and he has gone, with a red nose

there just to sort of underline it, he's gone, "Only joking".

And I have to go, "Oh. Oh, right. OK,"

but that's not a joke.

A joke is - I went on a date with a girl called Simile.

I don't know what I metaphor. That's a joke.

LAUGHTER

Also, there's no "only" about joking, is there?

Joking is quite a difficult craft.

People should say, "I'm only being serious,"

-because anybody can do that.

-Well, you're right.

Your brother does serious television.

You could go and do his job tomorrow.

Could he do yours? No.

In case you don't know, Tim's brother is Sir Trevor McDonald.

LAUGHTER

But sometimes the joke...

A friend of mine went out with a girl and she...I'm going to have

to say her name but it'll be fine because she laughed about it after.

Her name was Alison Pearce and she had...

she had quite big, sticky out... And we went on holiday,

me and my mate, and he sent her a postcard and he wrote,

"To Ms A Pearce", and then he wrote in brackets,

"Ape ears".

And she split up with him.

So sometimes you have to do the joke because it's so good.

Yeah, but that's...in that situation, that's...

She's the one with the problem there,

because that's a funny joke, I think.

Yeah. I would sacrifice a relationship for a joke that good.

-Exactly.

-Absolutely.

Got to get your priorities right.

OK, well, let's see what Len doesn't like about modern life.

Choice.

There is too much choice of everything.

I don't care where you go, what you're buying -

toothpaste, milk, jeans - everything.

My old Sue said, "On your way home, get some milk."

I thought, "OK." In I went.

There's whole fat.

There's semi-skimmed, totally skimmed, 1%,

homogenised, or something, Jersey milk...

Just milk. It just comes out of a cow.

All you want is a bottle of milk, but no.

It's ludicrous.

I went into a very well known department store -

and hold my gaze - and I did a bit of research.

I haven't even met your gaze.

I said to the bloke who was folding up some jeans, I said,

"How many different jeans are there?"

He said, "I'm not sure. About 27."

Say something.

LAUGHTER

How can that be?

It's the blight of - not just mine - everyone's life.

You could turn the biggest supermarket back into a corner shop

if you just got rid...

Don't get me started on butter.

Well, let me give you some facts and figures.

You'll like this, Len.

-Only if it's positive on my side.

-Well, I think...

Before I carry on, I'm very disappointed with my figure.

Look, it's a cut-off of me and...

look at the artistry in this.

He's got a pizza, he's got a knife...

Look what I get.

Now, we actually had three or four good ones

but we knew you wouldn't want to choose.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, now, here we go. You'll like this, Len.

Tesco sell 352 types of bread.

No. That's unbelievable.

Need I say more?

Hold it. I haven't finished yet.

Marks & Spencer have 77 types of men's white shirts.

Is it not ludicrous?

Do you feel the same about choices in menus and things like that?

Yeah, because I only want ham, egg and chips, don't I?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can I ask, is part of the reason you don't like choice

because you don't like decisions, or is that...?

No. Listen, I'm on Strictly.

I make an instant decision about footwork, posture, hold,

movement, fluidity, rhythmic interpretation.

-Give over, Tim. No.

-I was only joking.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Anyway...

What doesn't Ronni like about modern life?

Well, I am absolutely incensed

about Christmas coming early.

Now, Christmas used to have the good grace to start just after

Halloween, but now it's getting earlier and earlier and earlier.

And the build-up...the build-up doesn't warrant the day,

because really, the day, basically, we just all eat too much,

drink too much and watch too much television.

I think it would be less bad in Scandinavian countries

where at least at Christmas they have these lovely ceremonies

where they're naked and they go into the woods and whip each other

with holly and twigs and dance like fairies and things like that.

The other thing is, Frank, I think that time is going

so fast it's almost surreal.

So somebody putting Christmas at July is some sort of...

screws with my head.

It's the cruellest thing.

I just feel like I've finished drying up the washing up

from last Christmas.

Is nobody with me on this?

No, I'm with you.

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Thank you. Thank you, darling.

Well, I don't think you'll... This is an advent calendar.

-Would you have an advent calendar?

-That's all right!

Yeah. I don't know if you'll like this one.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I sort of grew up like this,

because my mum used to put the veg on in November.

LAUGHTER

-So, erm...

-Len's nan did.

Yeah, she used to put the turkey on about two in the morning,

and one year was a disaster.

The blooming thing wouldn't go in the oven.

She had to take the legs off and do them separate.

Yeah, and then she'd go down every couple of hours and,

I don't know, baste it, or whatever you do.

All night long it used to take.

And after all that work, Len wouldn't eat it

because it was named after a foreign country.

So...

I know what you mean about "only joking",

but to be honest, it's a phrase that I've often been glad of,

having been cruel to people, so I don't really want to get rid of it.

And I don't mind Christmas coming early.

You know what, Len? We don't need all this choice.

We don't need it. We'd be perfectly happy if we could get

a pint of milk, or whatever it was,

and you speak tremendous sense on this subject.

I am going to put choice into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Right, let's have our next category.

It's the Wildcard. There's no restraints of categories.

You can pick anything at all that you don't like.

What is Len's wildcard?

The metric system.

Oh, the metric system is the bane of my whole life.

Honestly, it's a nonsense.

You ask anyone in this room, "How tall are you?"

They'd say, "I'm 5 foot 8," "6 foot 1..."

There would be no metric involved.

I'm not 1 metre 92, or whatever the numbers are.

Plus the weather forecast is ruined.

LAUGHTER

With Fahrenheit it was warmer, 100%.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's a nonsense.

Frank, trust me.

I do trust you, Len.

Why? Help the aged a bit.

We were growing up with...

And I guess that's the date when it all kicked off.

Yeah. This is the date when Britain's currency went decimal.

Yeah, but only half-hearted. You go into a petrol station,

fill up, or whatever, 20 litres.

Then someone says, "What do you get to the gallon?"

What? I don't know.

How many litres in a gallon? Come on.

Cough up. No-one knows.

It's a mystery.

Someone must know, Len.

I have to say, the one hole I'd pick in your argument here

is that Strictly does operate on a decimal system.

-It is marks out of ten.

-Oh, yeah.

So when you want to give 70% you go, "Seven", whereas

if you had an imperial thing you'd have to go,

"Eight and two-fifths".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'll be honest, I never worked out what an acre was.

I mean, that is an old-fashioned term.

Yeah, and when I was kid there was rods, poles and perches.

What were they?

Any old people in here? Rods, poles and perches?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-See?

Were they on Rainbow?

LAUGHTER

The thing I've never understood,

I'll go into a shop for a new outfit.

Say I'm going to a wedding with my girlfriend.

We go and get an outfit together.

I'll say, "15½ collar, 42 regular chest, 32 waist, 30 inside leg."

She says, "12," and they know it all.

Actually, can I do that again, in which I say, "She says 10?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah.

What is Ronni's wildcard?

Photographs.

-Now, this is...

-Wow.

Yes, I know, it's quite a large catchment area,

but there's several things I want to say about photographs.

Firstly, right, they make me feel so inadequate, in that you go into

people's houses and all along their hall and all up their landing,

there are hundreds of beautifully framed pictures of their family.

They've got so many pictures of their kids they must take them

literally every 20 seconds,

they've got to take a picture of their kid, and they frame it.

Less of a photo display, more like stopgap animation.

You literally...if you run up the stairs, it's like a film.

It's not that I don't have photos of my children.

You know, I have got a couple, in their passports.

But, you know...and it just makes me feel inadequate.

Before you move on, I have some examples of family photos

which I think you may learn from and maybe be inspired by.

Yes.

These are families who have gone to an effort with their family photos.

First one.

Yes!

That's brilliant. That is a mountain of denim.

That's exactly what I mean.

You know occasionally you're taking a photo

and something goes wrong and you actually capture it in the photo?

Look at this family shot.

LAUGHTER

Who wants to be in the middle of that?!

That's so fantastic.

One of my favourite ones are photos on the beach, you know.

I love that. The family holidaying together.

This one I especially like.

AUDIENCE: Oh...

To me, I think that's a better family shot.

Can I say, before we move on, that child was not...

Hurt in the making of that photograph.

They said he cried for two minutes but then he was all right.

So, anyway, what's Tim's wildcard?

Aww, that's lovely.

Now, you've got to admit, Len, that's a work of art.

LAUGHTER

Basically, it is...

and if I just pull that there you'll see me there.

Those are my eyes there.

Cats in my garden.

Aww... Aww!

APPLAUSE

Basically, I don't like cats anyway, but I cannot stand

cats in my garden, because... I mean, it's the sort of arrogance.

Cats are very kind of arrogant animals.

In the morning I come downstairs, I open the curtains,

and often there'll be a cat in my garden,

and it's the way he looks at me, as if to say, "What?"

as if I shouldn't be looking at him.

I kind of look back and, you know...

And then on top of that, obviously, you know, they poo everywhere.

I mean it's just... How is this acceptable, that someone could buy

an animal that can then roam off to other people's gardens and just lie

around pooing and generally seeming as though they own the place?

Why is that? I mean, imagine if my neighbour threw open

the curtains and there was I in their back garden.

LAUGHTER

I mean, it's just not right, is it?

Well, I know if you run a cat over you don't have to report it,

but if you run a dog over, you have to report it to the police.

-A cat, you don't have to.

-Yes.

You could probably stretch that to a sit-down lawnmower.

LAUGHTER

That's true. That is a good idea.

I think it all...

That's not comparable, though, because, I mean, you know,

when you poo in your neighbour's garden, you don't bury it.

They do.

They don't, actually.

Cats don't bury their poo, do they?

-No. They do that little gesture.

-They do a...

Yeah. They go, "You do it". They go like that.

LAUGHTER

Well, look...

I don't think you can put photos into Room 101,

because think of all the beautiful,

-lovely photos that would have to go as well.

-No, don't make me feel bad.

And cats...I seem to remember

when I was a kid there was a thing called roving commission,

which was a special sort of rule for cats

that they can go where they like.

I like that they've got that kind of freedom,

that they broke free, that they're rebels in that respect.

But you know, decimalisation... Len, you're right.

It's neither one thing nor the other.

It's feet and inches and then it's kilos and grams and all that,

and it confuses me. It confuses you.

It confuses all of us, and it's going into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Len, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,

-so you are this week's winner.

-Well!

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, Tim Vine, Len Goodman and Ronni Ancona

and thank you. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING