Episode 3 Room 101

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears

banished forever to the dreaded vault.

Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,

and in each round only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are comedian Katherine Ryan,

broadcaster Fiona Bruce,

and woodsman Ray Mears.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's have our first category.

OK, it's Modern Life.

What doesn't Fiona like about Modern Life?

I don't like parties where nobody dances.

-APPLAUSE

-Ah, there we are!

Can I say, only women, only women applauded there.

Lads going...

So you're a dancer, then?

Well, the thing is, parties where nobody dances are boring.

There's nothing worse, I think.

You get invited round, people start having a few drinks,

there's great music, and people just sort of stay put.

For me, if people come round to our house and we have dinner,

or we just have drinks or whatever, if it doesn't end with a bit of...

bit of dancing, even if it's just dancing in the kitchen,

it's not a success.

-You'll dance in your own house?!

-Yes!

-That's...that's insanity, Fiona.

-No!

-Really?

-Yes, I do!

I blame Children in Need.

I just think it's fun.

And look, everyone, you know...

What do we think?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yeah.

-There we are.

-D'you ever dance when you're reading the news?

I've not done that. I've not managed to pull that one off.

D'you know, if I do dance,

I've learned something from my hero, Beyonce. I'll show it to you now.

-Oh.

-I'm going to lose my microphone.

OK, so she dances all in the hips, and as a mother this will be

quite easy for you because you get very powerful hips.

And you'll notice it's my favourite kind of dancing

cos this bit remains still to have a conversation.

You just go... And like this...

LAUGHTER

And you could just be having a lovely chat.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a very...it's a very safe way to multitask.

I must say, it's won me over.

I rest my case.

I'm not sure I can compartmentalise my body like that, though.

You absolutely can.

I think if my legs start going, everything else is going to join in.

-Give it a go. Let's see.

-How do you know?

-I bet you could.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So the idea is I just...

-I imagine from here up I'm completely still.

-Completely still.

And then everything happens down...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That's very good.

-Yeah. I'm not... I'm not sure about that.

I don't think that looked like a dance.

It looked like there was a queue for the toilet.

Do you believe the view that

true freedom is to dance like there's no-one watching?

I think there's probably other things

that I'd say are true freedom,

-but it is liberating, definitely.

-Yes.

I'm not able to dance like there's no-one watching.

I'm a Roman Catholic. For me there's always someone watching.

LAUGHTER

Like Him, I move in mysterious ways.

Anyway, what doesn't Ray like about Modern Life?

-I can't stand fakes of any description.

-Mmm.

CROWD MURMURS

Ooh, the crowd are not sure.

You're an authentic man, then, Ray?

I like reality, and the world seems to be

increasingly full of make believe, fakery,

-and I think we should beware.

-Wow.

I'm feeling really trivial now, I just talked about dancing,

and you're talking about the state of the world!

Well, let's look at a real, genuine sign in a shop.

LAUGHTER

Well, can I put this to you?

I've had a difficult life in some areas, Ray.

I now find myself... I will sit at home at night,

I will drink non-alcoholic wine and smoke an e-cigarette.

That's what I've come to.

Are you saying I should be drinking real alcohol and smoking?

-Yes.

-You are. Thank you.

LAUGHTER

I think sometimes, Ray,

the fakes are more entertaining than the real things.

Let me just show you this.

Specialman!

LAUGHTER

Look familiar?

This, honestly...

The New Style Ninja Tortoise.

These are... I'm saying they're genuine,

they're genuine fakes is what they are.

The trouble is, though, with authenticity, it's quite hard.

-I mean, I was looking at your website...

-Oh, dear.

..which I look at a lot, and I saw a thing on there,

and it's called the Ray Mears Wood Lore Knife.

-Oh. Yeah.

-Here's the knife.

It's a lovely looking thing, nice case and all that,

and only 485 quid.

WOMAN IN CROWD GASPS

LAUGHTER

Could someone help that woman off the floor?

The last time I looked it said there was a ten-year waiting list.

Now, I'm sure the wood lore knife is an authentic, handmade,

fabulous piece of equipment,

but I'd rather have a rubbishy old knife than wait ten years.

I mean, I wouldn't say you're reducing knife crime,

but you're slowing it down.

We do our best.

I think possibly the truth is that people can't afford the real things,

and they can afford the fakes, so they go for the fakes.

I mean, we tried to get Bear Grylls. 10 grand.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Aww!

I didn't mean it, Ray.

Ray is going to kill me now.

Luckily I've got ten years.

What does Katherine hate about Modern Life?

-Not babies.

-Oh, good. Phew.

I hate nappies.

-Ah!

-I think the nappies have become too absorbent, too comfortable.

We're getting lazy potty training our children,

and we should do away with them entirely.

APPLAUSE

What?!

We train small children to go in their pants.

That's what we do when you put a nappy on a child

who understands you, and then all of a sudden we change it

when they're about, I don't know, 18 months, two years old,

and we go, "Guess what? Now you go in the potty".

The child at that age can go,

"Well, hang on, I've got a pretty good system. I don't think so."

Right? I had my child potty trained at ten months.

-What?

-We can all do this, I promise you.

You can each e-mail me. I'll teach you how.

-But obviously there's a practical question I have to ask here.

-Mm-hm.

If your child isn't wearing a nappy when it's that young,

what happens when it is ready to release?

-It will tell you.

-Really?

You start to put them on the potty when they make that, like, poo face.

What is the poo face?

Um, they kind of look like...

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I don't know.

I think the poo face is a bit hit-and-miss.

That's not double rhyming slang.

LAUGHTER

Nappies should be available only by prescription.

I think it needs to start from the top down.

Just ban it.

"Oh, Facebook, my two-year-old has done a wee in the potty!"

Well, it's about time!

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God. I'm quite scared.

-Are you familiar with the iPotty?

-No, sir.

You'll like this, I think.

-This is commercially available.

-Oh.

And it is a...

It's a potty with a tablet here,

so your child can play computer games and stuff as they use the...

-That's not real.

-That is genuine. You can buy that.

See, this is where it's going. This is where we are.

But we read on the toilet. Why shouldn't they?

-No, I don't.

-You don't read on the toilet?

You need more fibre immediately.

LAUGHTER

I'm really worried.

You should not have time to do anything on the toilet.

Oh, I'll linger. Sometimes I'll wait there till the next one.

-You know...

-No!

I mean, if it's a real page-turner.

Well, it's an extremely interesting thing.

Also, I really like changing nappies.

All right.

I do. I love really getting it spotlessly clean down there.

You know when you're doing your own there's always an element of doubt.

LAUGHTER

So, anyway...

I'm very interested in your theory, Katherine.

-It's a bit too modern for me...

-Oh, well.

..and a bit too revolutionary.

And I think dancing is...

Well, I'm not happy with it.

It makes me incredibly self-conscious.

I don't think men should do it at all.

I think, as much as I love some of those silly fakeries,

I think you're probably right.

There is something lovely about the real thing.

So I'm going to put fakes into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Next category please.

People.

OK, so, what kind of people wind up Fiona?

People who put lots and lots and lots of pillows and cushions

on their bed in descending order of size.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, what is that about?

What is it about?! I've no idea, cos what are you going to do?

As soon as you want to go to bed you're just going to go...

Chuck them all off on the floor

and then you'll go to bed,

and then the next morning you get up, and then...

cos you've got to check they're the right size,

they're going down in the right size,

cos if you put a big one then a small one, that doesn't work.

So they've got to be all specially colour co-ordinated,

all in the right size, all in the right order.

Why?

Can I ask you a personal question?

When you normally sleep at home,

how many pillows would you have under your head?

One.

Thank God for that.

I know people that use two pillows.

Now, here you have a pillow.

Now, the area we're trying to fill is this area here, is it not?

You're trying to fill that. So you're lying on your side.

You don't want your head to lop over

or you can get splitting at the stretched side of the neck.

So you have a pillow like that.

You fill that, and you see that perfectly fills the gap there.

You see that? One pillow.

Now, if you move on to two pillows...

I'm going to demonstrate this with an actual model.

There's a bed, I'm going to remove the duvet.

Right? Here is one pillow.

So you sleep on the one pillow.

Right? You've filled that gap.

You take two pillows, suddenly...

LAUGHTER

..you're not a person anymore, you're a ramp.

I mean, I'd be happy to find a use for the pillows, but I...

The first thing I do is throw them all on the floor

when I check into a hotel.

OK, who winds up Katherine?

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini.

Mmm. Nee Cole.

-Nee Tweedy, sir.

-Oh, yes.

Now, this young lady is a very talented dancer, singer,

-beautiful!

-Mm.

Beautiful!

Now, I believe... I'm becoming known for my conspiracy theories.

Luckily this is one of the tamer ones.

I don't believe she's human.

LAUGHTER

Cheryl is a robotic creation of the Conservative government

meant to infiltrate the British people.

We don't know what for yet, but just hear me out.

David Cameron took office in 2010,

the year Cherbot was activated.

That is when she was cheated on by footballer Ashley Cole

and had a divorce.

That's when she became...

IMPERSONATES CHERYL "..the nation's sweetheart."

Isn't it?

IMPERSONATES CHERYL "Oh, no, no, not Cheryl Cole."

"Oh, no, you'll become the nation's sweetheart.

"No, pet, it's all reet now.

LAUGHTER

"We'll make you the nation's sweetheart."

"I can't do a Geordie accent."

LAUGHTER

No, but I think I hear a steel band in the distance.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't trust her. Too perfect.

And I just get this sense of, like, mm...

Like, even God's thrown everything he can at this thing.

Malaria. She beat it. Everything!

-She's not us.

-Do you remember she did these L'Oreal adverts,

and there were these complaints that she was saying,

"You can have hair like mine", but in fact there was extensions in it,

and people were upset about it.

Fake.

LAUGHTER

Well, I didn't like the tagline of those L'Oreal commercials.

"You're worth it. You're worth it."

That hair dye is £3.

"You're worth it."

Hey, I think I'm worth a bit more than £3.

"No.

"No, you're not."

OK. So who winds up Ray?

Vladimir Putin.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Why, particularly, Ray?

Well, it's the hypocrisy, I think.

That's the thing that really gets me.

This is a man who writes in the New York Times to President Obama

telling him not to rattle his sabre in international relations and to be

more diplomatic, and the next thing sends troops into the Ukraine.

It's ridiculous.

He's a very powerful man, quite clearly.

He's in charge of a very powerful, wonderful country,

made of amazing people, strong, intelligent people,

and I think they deserve better than this kind of shenanigan.

And, erm, he could make a big difference in the world.

This is a time when we all need to stand together

and he seems to want to be divided,

so I'd like to put him in Room 101.

Wow.

APPLAUSE

I must say, I think you've brought a new gravitas to this show.

I like the new sort of serious image.

It's like a tribunal, isn't it, you know?

You're right. Suddenly I feel like I'm doing grown-up television.

I tell you one thing about him, he looks quite muscular.

He's actually not as big as you think, Putin.

Look at this.

I see him topless on a horse.

How can someone so anti-gay also be a gay icon? Look at him.

-We've got a picture of him topless on a horse, actually.

-Great.

That's pretty cool. What British politician could carry that off?

Oh, that is moob-tastic!

Could you imagine Ed Miliband topless on a horse?

Boris, somebody said.

Think of the horse.

-I mean, you're quite a macho character.

-No!

You must be able to sympathise with him.

I think it's fake machismo, that's what I think it is,

and he's... he's also a judo expert,

but he seems to have forgotten the principles of judo,

which is to increase mutual benefit and wellbeing in the world,

and there's nothing mutual about Russia at the moment.

So, no, I think he deserves to be in Room 101.

OK.

APPLAUSE

So, I just can't put Cheryl in.

-I think she is a human being. That's my belief.

-Oh, OK.

She won first prize in the good looks lottery and that has

jettisoned her above the rest, and I kind of like her for it.

Putin, I'm sure, has his faults,

but the shirt off, the judo,

just makes him a bit of a character,

and I can forgive a man a lot of terrible things for that.

Good news, Boris.

But it seems a bit odd to reject Putin

for people who put cushions on beds...

..but Putin doesn't really interfere with my life,

whereas these people get on my nerves.

I am going to put people who put

-loads of cushions and pillows on beds into Room 101.

-Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, then, let's have our next category.

It's the Wildcard. No restraints.

You can pick anything at all that you don't like.

What is Katherine's Wildcard?

Oh, it's real. It's bread.

Bread?

Bread is not food.

Bread stands in the way of me and food.

"Will there be food?" "Sure, there'll be..." No, there's bread.

Can't stand it. It's horrible. It's made of gluten and yeast,

words usually followed by "intolerance" and "infection".

-It's one of the greatest joys in the world...

-It is.

..to make your own bread. It's fantastic.

The smell of freshly cooked...

You can't beat it. It's amazing.

I can't stand the smell. Do you know the reason you like it?

It's cos it's a cheap high.

They don't even recommend you give it to ducks anymore.

It's quack cocaine.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I like what's kind of in bread.

Sometimes what's inside a sandwich is something I'm attracted to.

Then I look around me and it's as though people were eating

the napkin of what surrounds the thing they actually want to eat.

I think I probably eat too much bread, I'll give you that.

When I used to eat a banana, for example, I have a banana here,

I would peel the banana and then I would break it

into two halves and I'd wrap a slice of bread around each one.

But what I... It occurred to me one day that if I do it lengthways

I only need one slice of bread,

and I eat it like that.

And you don't need a knife,

cos I've still got eight years to go on Ray's waiting list.

I'm not a fan of any bread. Pastry, donut, pizza...

Hang on. Now you're taking it... Oh, hang on!

-Those things are not food.

-Pastry? Pizza?

Don't you hate being lied to? Those things are not food.

They're created by the government and the food industry to slow us down

so that we don't recognise that Cheryl Fernandez-Versini is a robot.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, what is Ray's Wildcard?

The caravan.

APPLAUSE

Why?

I get stuck behind them, and I think they're just hideous.

Huge swathes of our coastline is covered in these things.

-It's like... it's like a mobile bread bin.

-Ugh.

That was a low blow.

He's a silver-tongued rascal.

They're so inventive.

You get, like, things fold into tables,

and chairs come out the wall.

Bed...I love...

This desk I model on it.

Sometimes during rehearsals,

if things are going a bit tough...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm trapped now, of course.

I wouldn't mind so much if they were painted green,

but they have to be white. Gleaming white.

You go down to Devon, and you look along the coast,

and all you can see are cities of these displaced urban people

in their ghastly white caravans.

I think you'll like...

I think you'll like this story, Ray.

This is the Porthkerry leisure park near Barry in the Vale of Glamorgan.

They had a landslip, which left some caravans

in a slightly precarious position.

Let's just see how high they are there.

Ooh!

What I liked about this is that the site owner, Sally Edwards, said,

"It could be nothing, but we're not risking people's lives".

LAUGHTER

It could be nothing?!

She went on to say, "Some caravan owners have food in their fridges

"and they are concerned what will happen to that".

A car can struggle a bit with a bit of a big caravan on the back.

I have an example of that.

CAR SPUTTERS

Oi-oi.

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear.

On the subject of this kind of mobility,

I once did a gig in Bournemouth, and I asked a guy in the front row

what Bournemouth was like, and he said, "I hate it".

I said, "Oh, OK", I said, "Well, why don't you live somewhere else?"

And he said,

"My house is here."

LAUGHTER

Anyway, what is Fiona's Wildcard?

Overly complicated car dashboards.

APPLAUSE

Now just the men clapping this time.

-So complicated...

-Yes.

..that you could launch a rocket from NASA with it,

but you can't work out how to put your CD in.

Full of all sorts of hieroglyphs and symbols,

indecipherable to man and beast,

but they're there for a reason that no-one can discern.

Well, I don't mind not knowing what the symbols are.

I think it's quite exciting when you're on a car journey

and a symbol comes up that you don't recognise.

"Oh, my God, my car might be about to blow up, but I'm not sure!"

Yeah, you think, "Whoa, what's this one?"

So I'm going to test you on a few.

We have some dashboard symbols, and see how many of these you recognise.

Here's the first.

Er, your headlights.

That's jellyfish ahead.

What about this one?

Jellyfish making a run for it.

Here's one of my favourites.

This is a poor turnout at Camelot.

Do you know you can now get novelty car horns?

So you don't have to have the usual, you know, "er-er".

I've always dreamt of having the theme from The Big Country.

So you're driving down...

Say a football comes across the road,

a kid comes running out, you hit the horn...

MUSIC: Theme from "The Big Country" by Jerome Moross

HE MOUTHS

APPLAUSE

Wouldn't that make life sweeter?

But car horns, I think I might be able to impress you a little here.

I'd like you to, please, if you would,

welcome our guest Hurst Conrad.

APPLAUSE

Hurst, thank you for coming.

-You'd make a great passenger.

-Really?

Yes, because if I was going driving I would love to have Hurst

in the passenger seat, and you will see why in a second.

Please give a warm welcome and a big cheer to Hurst Conrad.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS HE HONKS HORNS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fantastic.

Ohhhhh.

You know what? I love this job.

Well, look, caravans I can't put in, Ray.

I just think there's something beautiful...

-We're stuck with them.

-..about them.

I don't mind these strange symbols.

I think it keeps life interesting and exciting.

And I love bread, but I think we perhaps do eat too much.

-I'm going to be bold. I am going to put bread into Room 101.

-Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Katherine. You were the most persuasive guest,

so you are this week's winner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I care about you.

Thank you very much to Ray Mears, Fiona Bruce and Katherine Ryan,

and thank YOU. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE