Episode 3 Room 101


Episode 3

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 3. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:270:00:29

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

0:00:320:00:35

the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears

0:00:350:00:39

banished forever to the dreaded vault.

0:00:390:00:41

Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,

0:00:410:00:44

and in each round only one item can be chosen.

0:00:440:00:46

The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

0:00:460:00:50

Joining me tonight are comedian Katherine Ryan,

0:00:500:00:52

broadcaster Fiona Bruce,

0:00:520:00:53

and woodsman Ray Mears.

0:00:530:00:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:550:00:57

Right, let's have our first category.

0:00:590:01:01

OK, it's Modern Life.

0:01:060:01:08

What doesn't Fiona like about Modern Life?

0:01:080:01:11

I don't like parties where nobody dances.

0:01:160:01:21

-APPLAUSE

-Ah, there we are!

0:01:210:01:24

Can I say, only women, only women applauded there.

0:01:260:01:31

Lads going...

0:01:310:01:32

So you're a dancer, then?

0:01:330:01:35

Well, the thing is, parties where nobody dances are boring.

0:01:350:01:38

There's nothing worse, I think.

0:01:380:01:39

You get invited round, people start having a few drinks,

0:01:390:01:43

there's great music, and people just sort of stay put.

0:01:430:01:47

For me, if people come round to our house and we have dinner,

0:01:470:01:50

or we just have drinks or whatever, if it doesn't end with a bit of...

0:01:500:01:53

bit of dancing, even if it's just dancing in the kitchen,

0:01:530:01:56

it's not a success.

0:01:560:01:57

-You'll dance in your own house?!

-Yes!

0:01:570:02:00

-That's...that's insanity, Fiona.

-No!

0:02:010:02:04

-Really?

-Yes, I do!

0:02:060:02:09

I blame Children in Need.

0:02:090:02:10

I just think it's fun.

0:02:120:02:14

And look, everyone, you know...

0:02:140:02:17

What do we think?

0:02:170:02:18

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yeah.

0:02:180:02:20

-There we are.

-D'you ever dance when you're reading the news?

0:02:200:02:23

I've not done that. I've not managed to pull that one off.

0:02:230:02:26

D'you know, if I do dance,

0:02:260:02:27

I've learned something from my hero, Beyonce. I'll show it to you now.

0:02:270:02:30

-Oh.

-I'm going to lose my microphone.

0:02:300:02:32

OK, so she dances all in the hips, and as a mother this will be

0:02:320:02:34

quite easy for you because you get very powerful hips.

0:02:340:02:37

And you'll notice it's my favourite kind of dancing

0:02:370:02:40

cos this bit remains still to have a conversation.

0:02:400:02:43

You just go... And like this...

0:02:430:02:46

LAUGHTER

0:02:460:02:48

And you could just be having a lovely chat.

0:02:480:02:50

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:02:500:02:52

It's a very...it's a very safe way to multitask.

0:02:550:02:59

I must say, it's won me over.

0:03:030:03:05

I rest my case.

0:03:060:03:08

I'm not sure I can compartmentalise my body like that, though.

0:03:080:03:11

You absolutely can.

0:03:110:03:12

I think if my legs start going, everything else is going to join in.

0:03:120:03:15

-Give it a go. Let's see.

-How do you know?

-I bet you could.

0:03:150:03:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:03:180:03:20

So the idea is I just...

0:03:230:03:25

-I imagine from here up I'm completely still.

-Completely still.

0:03:250:03:28

And then everything happens down...

0:03:280:03:30

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:03:300:03:32

-That's very good.

-Yeah. I'm not... I'm not sure about that.

0:03:390:03:42

I don't think that looked like a dance.

0:03:430:03:45

It looked like there was a queue for the toilet.

0:03:450:03:47

Do you believe the view that

0:03:490:03:50

true freedom is to dance like there's no-one watching?

0:03:500:03:54

I think there's probably other things

0:03:560:03:58

that I'd say are true freedom,

0:03:580:04:00

-but it is liberating, definitely.

-Yes.

0:04:000:04:02

I'm not able to dance like there's no-one watching.

0:04:020:04:04

I'm a Roman Catholic. For me there's always someone watching.

0:04:040:04:07

LAUGHTER

0:04:070:04:09

Like Him, I move in mysterious ways.

0:04:120:04:14

Anyway, what doesn't Ray like about Modern Life?

0:04:160:04:19

-I can't stand fakes of any description.

-Mmm.

0:04:240:04:28

CROWD MURMURS

0:04:280:04:29

Ooh, the crowd are not sure.

0:04:290:04:31

You're an authentic man, then, Ray?

0:04:320:04:34

I like reality, and the world seems to be

0:04:340:04:36

increasingly full of make believe, fakery,

0:04:360:04:40

-and I think we should beware.

-Wow.

0:04:400:04:42

I'm feeling really trivial now, I just talked about dancing,

0:04:440:04:48

and you're talking about the state of the world!

0:04:480:04:50

Well, let's look at a real, genuine sign in a shop.

0:04:500:04:53

LAUGHTER

0:04:540:04:57

Well, can I put this to you?

0:04:590:05:00

I've had a difficult life in some areas, Ray.

0:05:000:05:04

I now find myself... I will sit at home at night,

0:05:040:05:06

I will drink non-alcoholic wine and smoke an e-cigarette.

0:05:060:05:11

That's what I've come to.

0:05:110:05:12

Are you saying I should be drinking real alcohol and smoking?

0:05:120:05:16

-Yes.

-You are. Thank you.

0:05:170:05:19

LAUGHTER

0:05:190:05:21

I think sometimes, Ray,

0:05:210:05:24

the fakes are more entertaining than the real things.

0:05:240:05:28

Let me just show you this.

0:05:280:05:29

Specialman!

0:05:310:05:32

LAUGHTER

0:05:320:05:34

Look familiar?

0:05:380:05:39

This, honestly...

0:05:410:05:42

The New Style Ninja Tortoise.

0:05:420:05:45

These are... I'm saying they're genuine,

0:05:490:05:52

they're genuine fakes is what they are.

0:05:520:05:54

The trouble is, though, with authenticity, it's quite hard.

0:05:540:05:57

-I mean, I was looking at your website...

-Oh, dear.

0:05:570:06:00

..which I look at a lot, and I saw a thing on there,

0:06:000:06:03

and it's called the Ray Mears Wood Lore Knife.

0:06:030:06:07

-Oh. Yeah.

-Here's the knife.

0:06:070:06:09

It's a lovely looking thing, nice case and all that,

0:06:090:06:12

and only 485 quid.

0:06:120:06:14

WOMAN IN CROWD GASPS

0:06:150:06:16

LAUGHTER

0:06:160:06:18

Could someone help that woman off the floor?

0:06:180:06:21

The last time I looked it said there was a ten-year waiting list.

0:06:210:06:26

Now, I'm sure the wood lore knife is an authentic, handmade,

0:06:260:06:31

fabulous piece of equipment,

0:06:310:06:33

but I'd rather have a rubbishy old knife than wait ten years.

0:06:330:06:37

I mean, I wouldn't say you're reducing knife crime,

0:06:380:06:41

but you're slowing it down.

0:06:410:06:43

We do our best.

0:06:440:06:46

I think possibly the truth is that people can't afford the real things,

0:06:460:06:50

and they can afford the fakes, so they go for the fakes.

0:06:500:06:53

I mean, we tried to get Bear Grylls. 10 grand.

0:06:530:06:55

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:06:550:06:57

Aww!

0:06:580:07:00

I didn't mean it, Ray.

0:07:030:07:05

Ray is going to kill me now.

0:07:050:07:07

Luckily I've got ten years.

0:07:070:07:09

What does Katherine hate about Modern Life?

0:07:120:07:15

-Not babies.

-Oh, good. Phew.

0:07:190:07:22

I hate nappies.

0:07:220:07:24

-Ah!

-I think the nappies have become too absorbent, too comfortable.

0:07:240:07:28

We're getting lazy potty training our children,

0:07:280:07:30

and we should do away with them entirely.

0:07:300:07:33

APPLAUSE

0:07:330:07:34

What?!

0:07:340:07:35

We train small children to go in their pants.

0:07:360:07:40

That's what we do when you put a nappy on a child

0:07:400:07:42

who understands you, and then all of a sudden we change it

0:07:420:07:44

when they're about, I don't know, 18 months, two years old,

0:07:440:07:47

and we go, "Guess what? Now you go in the potty".

0:07:470:07:49

The child at that age can go,

0:07:490:07:51

"Well, hang on, I've got a pretty good system. I don't think so."

0:07:510:07:55

Right? I had my child potty trained at ten months.

0:07:550:07:58

-What?

-We can all do this, I promise you.

0:07:580:08:00

You can each e-mail me. I'll teach you how.

0:08:000:08:03

-But obviously there's a practical question I have to ask here.

-Mm-hm.

0:08:030:08:08

If your child isn't wearing a nappy when it's that young,

0:08:090:08:14

what happens when it is ready to release?

0:08:140:08:17

-It will tell you.

-Really?

0:08:190:08:21

You start to put them on the potty when they make that, like, poo face.

0:08:210:08:24

What is the poo face?

0:08:240:08:27

Um, they kind of look like...

0:08:270:08:28

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I don't know.

0:08:300:08:34

I think the poo face is a bit hit-and-miss.

0:08:340:08:36

That's not double rhyming slang.

0:08:360:08:38

LAUGHTER

0:08:380:08:40

Nappies should be available only by prescription.

0:08:440:08:47

I think it needs to start from the top down.

0:08:490:08:52

Just ban it.

0:08:520:08:53

"Oh, Facebook, my two-year-old has done a wee in the potty!"

0:08:530:08:56

Well, it's about time!

0:08:560:08:58

LAUGHTER

0:08:580:09:00

Oh, my God. I'm quite scared.

0:09:020:09:04

-Are you familiar with the iPotty?

-No, sir.

0:09:060:09:09

You'll like this, I think.

0:09:090:09:11

-This is commercially available.

-Oh.

0:09:110:09:14

And it is a...

0:09:140:09:16

It's a potty with a tablet here,

0:09:160:09:19

so your child can play computer games and stuff as they use the...

0:09:190:09:24

-That's not real.

-That is genuine. You can buy that.

0:09:240:09:27

See, this is where it's going. This is where we are.

0:09:270:09:30

But we read on the toilet. Why shouldn't they?

0:09:300:09:33

-No, I don't.

-You don't read on the toilet?

0:09:330:09:35

You need more fibre immediately.

0:09:350:09:37

LAUGHTER

0:09:370:09:39

I'm really worried.

0:09:400:09:42

You should not have time to do anything on the toilet.

0:09:420:09:45

Oh, I'll linger. Sometimes I'll wait there till the next one.

0:09:450:09:48

-You know...

-No!

0:09:520:09:54

I mean, if it's a real page-turner.

0:09:540:09:57

Well, it's an extremely interesting thing.

0:10:000:10:04

Also, I really like changing nappies.

0:10:040:10:07

All right.

0:10:070:10:09

I do. I love really getting it spotlessly clean down there.

0:10:090:10:13

You know when you're doing your own there's always an element of doubt.

0:10:130:10:16

LAUGHTER

0:10:160:10:18

So, anyway...

0:10:210:10:23

I'm very interested in your theory, Katherine.

0:10:250:10:28

-It's a bit too modern for me...

-Oh, well.

0:10:280:10:30

..and a bit too revolutionary.

0:10:300:10:32

And I think dancing is...

0:10:320:10:34

Well, I'm not happy with it.

0:10:360:10:38

It makes me incredibly self-conscious.

0:10:380:10:40

I don't think men should do it at all.

0:10:400:10:43

I think, as much as I love some of those silly fakeries,

0:10:430:10:46

I think you're probably right.

0:10:460:10:48

There is something lovely about the real thing.

0:10:480:10:52

So I'm going to put fakes into Room 101.

0:10:520:10:55

APPLAUSE

0:10:550:10:57

Next category please.

0:11:070:11:08

People.

0:11:130:11:15

OK, so, what kind of people wind up Fiona?

0:11:150:11:17

People who put lots and lots and lots of pillows and cushions

0:11:220:11:27

on their bed in descending order of size.

0:11:270:11:31

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:11:310:11:33

Yeah, what is that about?

0:11:370:11:39

What is it about?! I've no idea, cos what are you going to do?

0:11:390:11:42

As soon as you want to go to bed you're just going to go...

0:11:420:11:45

Chuck them all off on the floor

0:11:450:11:47

and then you'll go to bed,

0:11:470:11:49

and then the next morning you get up, and then...

0:11:490:11:51

cos you've got to check they're the right size,

0:11:510:11:53

they're going down in the right size,

0:11:530:11:55

cos if you put a big one then a small one, that doesn't work.

0:11:550:11:58

So they've got to be all specially colour co-ordinated,

0:11:580:12:01

all in the right size, all in the right order.

0:12:010:12:04

Why?

0:12:050:12:06

Can I ask you a personal question?

0:12:070:12:10

When you normally sleep at home,

0:12:100:12:12

how many pillows would you have under your head?

0:12:120:12:15

One.

0:12:150:12:16

Thank God for that.

0:12:160:12:18

I know people that use two pillows.

0:12:180:12:20

Now, here you have a pillow.

0:12:200:12:22

Now, the area we're trying to fill is this area here, is it not?

0:12:220:12:26

You're trying to fill that. So you're lying on your side.

0:12:260:12:28

You don't want your head to lop over

0:12:280:12:30

or you can get splitting at the stretched side of the neck.

0:12:300:12:33

So you have a pillow like that.

0:12:330:12:35

You fill that, and you see that perfectly fills the gap there.

0:12:350:12:38

You see that? One pillow.

0:12:380:12:39

Now, if you move on to two pillows...

0:12:390:12:42

I'm going to demonstrate this with an actual model.

0:12:420:12:45

There's a bed, I'm going to remove the duvet.

0:12:470:12:49

Right? Here is one pillow.

0:12:490:12:52

So you sleep on the one pillow.

0:12:520:12:54

Right? You've filled that gap.

0:12:540:12:58

You take two pillows, suddenly...

0:12:580:13:01

LAUGHTER

0:13:010:13:03

..you're not a person anymore, you're a ramp.

0:13:040:13:07

I mean, I'd be happy to find a use for the pillows, but I...

0:13:090:13:12

The first thing I do is throw them all on the floor

0:13:120:13:15

when I check into a hotel.

0:13:150:13:17

OK, who winds up Katherine?

0:13:180:13:20

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini.

0:13:260:13:29

Mmm. Nee Cole.

0:13:290:13:31

-Nee Tweedy, sir.

-Oh, yes.

0:13:310:13:34

Now, this young lady is a very talented dancer, singer,

0:13:340:13:38

-beautiful!

-Mm.

0:13:380:13:40

Beautiful!

0:13:400:13:41

Now, I believe... I'm becoming known for my conspiracy theories.

0:13:410:13:45

Luckily this is one of the tamer ones.

0:13:450:13:47

I don't believe she's human.

0:13:470:13:49

LAUGHTER

0:13:490:13:52

Cheryl is a robotic creation of the Conservative government

0:13:520:13:58

meant to infiltrate the British people.

0:13:580:14:01

We don't know what for yet, but just hear me out.

0:14:010:14:05

David Cameron took office in 2010,

0:14:050:14:08

the year Cherbot was activated.

0:14:080:14:10

That is when she was cheated on by footballer Ashley Cole

0:14:120:14:16

and had a divorce.

0:14:160:14:17

That's when she became...

0:14:170:14:19

IMPERSONATES CHERYL "..the nation's sweetheart."

0:14:190:14:21

Isn't it?

0:14:210:14:22

IMPERSONATES CHERYL "Oh, no, no, not Cheryl Cole."

0:14:220:14:26

"Oh, no, you'll become the nation's sweetheart.

0:14:260:14:30

"No, pet, it's all reet now.

0:14:300:14:32

LAUGHTER

0:14:320:14:34

"We'll make you the nation's sweetheart."

0:14:340:14:37

"I can't do a Geordie accent."

0:14:370:14:39

LAUGHTER

0:14:390:14:41

No, but I think I hear a steel band in the distance.

0:14:410:14:44

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:14:440:14:46

I don't trust her. Too perfect.

0:14:480:14:51

And I just get this sense of, like, mm...

0:14:510:14:53

Like, even God's thrown everything he can at this thing.

0:14:530:14:56

Malaria. She beat it. Everything!

0:14:560:14:58

-She's not us.

-Do you remember she did these L'Oreal adverts,

0:15:010:15:04

and there were these complaints that she was saying,

0:15:040:15:07

"You can have hair like mine", but in fact there was extensions in it,

0:15:070:15:11

and people were upset about it.

0:15:110:15:13

Fake.

0:15:130:15:14

LAUGHTER

0:15:140:15:16

Well, I didn't like the tagline of those L'Oreal commercials.

0:15:180:15:21

"You're worth it. You're worth it."

0:15:210:15:24

That hair dye is £3.

0:15:240:15:26

"You're worth it."

0:15:260:15:29

Hey, I think I'm worth a bit more than £3.

0:15:290:15:31

"No.

0:15:310:15:34

"No, you're not."

0:15:340:15:35

OK. So who winds up Ray?

0:15:360:15:39

Vladimir Putin.

0:15:460:15:48

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:15:480:15:50

Why, particularly, Ray?

0:15:540:15:56

Well, it's the hypocrisy, I think.

0:15:560:15:59

That's the thing that really gets me.

0:15:590:16:01

This is a man who writes in the New York Times to President Obama

0:16:010:16:04

telling him not to rattle his sabre in international relations and to be

0:16:040:16:07

more diplomatic, and the next thing sends troops into the Ukraine.

0:16:070:16:11

It's ridiculous.

0:16:110:16:12

He's a very powerful man, quite clearly.

0:16:120:16:14

He's in charge of a very powerful, wonderful country,

0:16:140:16:17

made of amazing people, strong, intelligent people,

0:16:170:16:20

and I think they deserve better than this kind of shenanigan.

0:16:200:16:25

And, erm, he could make a big difference in the world.

0:16:250:16:27

This is a time when we all need to stand together

0:16:270:16:30

and he seems to want to be divided,

0:16:300:16:32

so I'd like to put him in Room 101.

0:16:320:16:35

Wow.

0:16:350:16:36

APPLAUSE

0:16:360:16:38

I must say, I think you've brought a new gravitas to this show.

0:16:410:16:46

I like the new sort of serious image.

0:16:460:16:48

It's like a tribunal, isn't it, you know?

0:16:480:16:51

You're right. Suddenly I feel like I'm doing grown-up television.

0:16:510:16:55

I tell you one thing about him, he looks quite muscular.

0:16:560:16:59

He's actually not as big as you think, Putin.

0:16:590:17:03

Look at this.

0:17:030:17:04

I see him topless on a horse.

0:17:090:17:11

How can someone so anti-gay also be a gay icon? Look at him.

0:17:110:17:15

-We've got a picture of him topless on a horse, actually.

-Great.

0:17:180:17:21

That's pretty cool. What British politician could carry that off?

0:17:230:17:27

Oh, that is moob-tastic!

0:17:270:17:29

Could you imagine Ed Miliband topless on a horse?

0:17:290:17:31

Boris, somebody said.

0:17:320:17:35

Think of the horse.

0:17:350:17:36

-I mean, you're quite a macho character.

-No!

0:17:390:17:41

You must be able to sympathise with him.

0:17:410:17:42

I think it's fake machismo, that's what I think it is,

0:17:420:17:45

and he's... he's also a judo expert,

0:17:450:17:46

but he seems to have forgotten the principles of judo,

0:17:460:17:49

which is to increase mutual benefit and wellbeing in the world,

0:17:490:17:53

and there's nothing mutual about Russia at the moment.

0:17:530:17:56

So, no, I think he deserves to be in Room 101.

0:17:560:18:00

OK.

0:18:000:18:01

APPLAUSE

0:18:010:18:03

So, I just can't put Cheryl in.

0:18:060:18:10

-I think she is a human being. That's my belief.

-Oh, OK.

0:18:100:18:13

She won first prize in the good looks lottery and that has

0:18:130:18:17

jettisoned her above the rest, and I kind of like her for it.

0:18:170:18:21

Putin, I'm sure, has his faults,

0:18:210:18:25

but the shirt off, the judo,

0:18:250:18:28

just makes him a bit of a character,

0:18:280:18:30

and I can forgive a man a lot of terrible things for that.

0:18:300:18:33

Good news, Boris.

0:18:350:18:36

But it seems a bit odd to reject Putin

0:18:390:18:41

for people who put cushions on beds...

0:18:410:18:43

..but Putin doesn't really interfere with my life,

0:18:470:18:50

whereas these people get on my nerves.

0:18:500:18:52

I am going to put people who put

0:18:520:18:53

-loads of cushions and pillows on beds into Room 101.

-Yeah!

0:18:530:18:58

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:580:19:00

Right, then, let's have our next category.

0:19:080:19:10

It's the Wildcard. No restraints.

0:19:150:19:18

You can pick anything at all that you don't like.

0:19:180:19:20

What is Katherine's Wildcard?

0:19:200:19:22

Oh, it's real. It's bread.

0:19:260:19:29

Bread?

0:19:290:19:31

Bread is not food.

0:19:310:19:33

Bread stands in the way of me and food.

0:19:330:19:36

"Will there be food?" "Sure, there'll be..." No, there's bread.

0:19:370:19:41

Can't stand it. It's horrible. It's made of gluten and yeast,

0:19:410:19:44

words usually followed by "intolerance" and "infection".

0:19:440:19:47

-It's one of the greatest joys in the world...

-It is.

0:19:500:19:52

..to make your own bread. It's fantastic.

0:19:520:19:54

The smell of freshly cooked...

0:19:540:19:57

You can't beat it. It's amazing.

0:19:570:19:59

I can't stand the smell. Do you know the reason you like it?

0:19:590:20:02

It's cos it's a cheap high.

0:20:020:20:03

They don't even recommend you give it to ducks anymore.

0:20:030:20:06

It's quack cocaine.

0:20:060:20:07

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:070:20:09

And I like what's kind of in bread.

0:20:130:20:15

Sometimes what's inside a sandwich is something I'm attracted to.

0:20:150:20:19

Then I look around me and it's as though people were eating

0:20:190:20:22

the napkin of what surrounds the thing they actually want to eat.

0:20:220:20:28

I think I probably eat too much bread, I'll give you that.

0:20:280:20:32

When I used to eat a banana, for example, I have a banana here,

0:20:320:20:36

I would peel the banana and then I would break it

0:20:360:20:38

into two halves and I'd wrap a slice of bread around each one.

0:20:380:20:44

But what I... It occurred to me one day that if I do it lengthways

0:20:440:20:49

I only need one slice of bread,

0:20:490:20:51

and I eat it like that.

0:20:510:20:53

And you don't need a knife,

0:20:550:20:56

cos I've still got eight years to go on Ray's waiting list.

0:20:560:20:59

I'm not a fan of any bread. Pastry, donut, pizza...

0:21:020:21:07

Hang on. Now you're taking it... Oh, hang on!

0:21:070:21:10

-Those things are not food.

-Pastry? Pizza?

0:21:100:21:13

Don't you hate being lied to? Those things are not food.

0:21:130:21:17

They're created by the government and the food industry to slow us down

0:21:170:21:21

so that we don't recognise that Cheryl Fernandez-Versini is a robot.

0:21:210:21:24

LAUGHTER

0:21:240:21:27

Anyway, what is Ray's Wildcard?

0:21:270:21:31

The caravan.

0:21:360:21:37

APPLAUSE

0:21:380:21:41

Why?

0:21:420:21:43

I get stuck behind them, and I think they're just hideous.

0:21:430:21:47

Huge swathes of our coastline is covered in these things.

0:21:470:21:52

-It's like... it's like a mobile bread bin.

-Ugh.

0:21:520:21:55

That was a low blow.

0:21:550:21:58

He's a silver-tongued rascal.

0:21:580:22:00

They're so inventive.

0:22:010:22:03

You get, like, things fold into tables,

0:22:030:22:06

and chairs come out the wall.

0:22:060:22:08

Bed...I love...

0:22:080:22:10

This desk I model on it.

0:22:100:22:11

Sometimes during rehearsals,

0:22:110:22:13

if things are going a bit tough...

0:22:130:22:16

LAUGHTER

0:22:160:22:18

APPLAUSE

0:22:200:22:22

I'm trapped now, of course.

0:22:240:22:25

I wouldn't mind so much if they were painted green,

0:22:270:22:29

but they have to be white. Gleaming white.

0:22:290:22:32

You go down to Devon, and you look along the coast,

0:22:320:22:35

and all you can see are cities of these displaced urban people

0:22:350:22:40

in their ghastly white caravans.

0:22:400:22:42

I think you'll like...

0:22:420:22:44

I think you'll like this story, Ray.

0:22:440:22:46

This is the Porthkerry leisure park near Barry in the Vale of Glamorgan.

0:22:460:22:51

They had a landslip, which left some caravans

0:22:510:22:55

in a slightly precarious position.

0:22:550:22:57

Let's just see how high they are there.

0:23:000:23:02

Ooh!

0:23:020:23:04

What I liked about this is that the site owner, Sally Edwards, said,

0:23:040:23:09

"It could be nothing, but we're not risking people's lives".

0:23:090:23:12

LAUGHTER

0:23:120:23:14

It could be nothing?!

0:23:140:23:16

She went on to say, "Some caravan owners have food in their fridges

0:23:180:23:21

"and they are concerned what will happen to that".

0:23:210:23:24

A car can struggle a bit with a bit of a big caravan on the back.

0:23:290:23:34

I have an example of that.

0:23:340:23:36

CAR SPUTTERS

0:23:480:23:50

Oi-oi.

0:23:520:23:54

LAUGHTER

0:23:560:23:58

Oh, dear.

0:24:020:24:03

On the subject of this kind of mobility,

0:24:050:24:07

I once did a gig in Bournemouth, and I asked a guy in the front row

0:24:070:24:12

what Bournemouth was like, and he said, "I hate it".

0:24:120:24:15

I said, "Oh, OK", I said, "Well, why don't you live somewhere else?"

0:24:150:24:18

And he said,

0:24:180:24:20

"My house is here."

0:24:200:24:22

LAUGHTER

0:24:220:24:24

Anyway, what is Fiona's Wildcard?

0:24:290:24:31

Overly complicated car dashboards.

0:24:350:24:39

APPLAUSE

0:24:410:24:43

Now just the men clapping this time.

0:24:430:24:46

-So complicated...

-Yes.

0:24:460:24:48

..that you could launch a rocket from NASA with it,

0:24:480:24:53

but you can't work out how to put your CD in.

0:24:530:24:56

Full of all sorts of hieroglyphs and symbols,

0:24:570:25:02

indecipherable to man and beast,

0:25:020:25:05

but they're there for a reason that no-one can discern.

0:25:050:25:09

Well, I don't mind not knowing what the symbols are.

0:25:090:25:12

I think it's quite exciting when you're on a car journey

0:25:120:25:15

and a symbol comes up that you don't recognise.

0:25:150:25:18

"Oh, my God, my car might be about to blow up, but I'm not sure!"

0:25:190:25:22

Yeah, you think, "Whoa, what's this one?"

0:25:220:25:24

So I'm going to test you on a few.

0:25:240:25:26

We have some dashboard symbols, and see how many of these you recognise.

0:25:260:25:30

Here's the first.

0:25:300:25:32

Er, your headlights.

0:25:320:25:34

That's jellyfish ahead.

0:25:340:25:35

What about this one?

0:25:370:25:39

Jellyfish making a run for it.

0:25:400:25:42

Here's one of my favourites.

0:25:440:25:46

This is a poor turnout at Camelot.

0:25:460:25:49

Do you know you can now get novelty car horns?

0:25:530:25:56

So you don't have to have the usual, you know, "er-er".

0:25:560:25:59

I've always dreamt of having the theme from The Big Country.

0:25:590:26:02

So you're driving down...

0:26:020:26:04

Say a football comes across the road,

0:26:040:26:06

a kid comes running out, you hit the horn...

0:26:060:26:08

MUSIC: Theme from "The Big Country" by Jerome Moross

0:26:080:26:12

HE MOUTHS

0:26:120:26:14

APPLAUSE

0:26:180:26:20

Wouldn't that make life sweeter?

0:26:230:26:24

But car horns, I think I might be able to impress you a little here.

0:26:240:26:30

I'd like you to, please, if you would,

0:26:300:26:33

welcome our guest Hurst Conrad.

0:26:330:26:35

APPLAUSE

0:26:350:26:37

Hurst, thank you for coming.

0:26:450:26:47

-You'd make a great passenger.

-Really?

0:26:470:26:49

Yes, because if I was going driving I would love to have Hurst

0:26:490:26:53

in the passenger seat, and you will see why in a second.

0:26:530:26:56

Please give a warm welcome and a big cheer to Hurst Conrad.

0:26:560:27:00

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:000:27:02

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS HE HONKS HORNS

0:27:050:27:07

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:330:27:35

Fantastic.

0:27:370:27:39

Ohhhhh.

0:27:470:27:48

You know what? I love this job.

0:27:500:27:52

Well, look, caravans I can't put in, Ray.

0:27:540:27:57

I just think there's something beautiful...

0:27:570:28:00

-We're stuck with them.

-..about them.

0:28:000:28:02

I don't mind these strange symbols.

0:28:020:28:05

I think it keeps life interesting and exciting.

0:28:050:28:08

And I love bread, but I think we perhaps do eat too much.

0:28:080:28:11

-I'm going to be bold. I am going to put bread into Room 101.

-Yeah!

0:28:110:28:17

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:170:28:19

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:28:270:28:29

Well done, Katherine. You were the most persuasive guest,

0:28:290:28:32

so you are this week's winner.

0:28:320:28:33

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:330:28:35

I care about you.

0:28:370:28:38

Thank you very much to Ray Mears, Fiona Bruce and Katherine Ryan,

0:28:380:28:42

and thank YOU. Goodnight.

0:28:420:28:44

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:440:28:46

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS