Episode 5 Room 101

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101 -

the show where three guests compete to cast their biggest gripes

deep into the gloomy vault.

Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,

and in each round only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are former England cricket captain

Michael Vaughan, comedienne Sara Pascoe

and Mr Television Jonathan Ross.

APPLAUSE

Good evening, Sara. Good evening, Michael.

Good evening, Frank.

Right, let's have our first category.

It's People. So let's see what people wind up Jonathan.

It's people who literally misuse the word 'literally.'

APPLAUSE

Oh, there you go. Thank you.

-Popular.

-Support there.

-Popular, isn't it?

And I'm not sitting here in the full pomp of pedantry and saying I don't

agree that words could be changed over the years or that language

is indeed something which can evolve and people can use it differently.

I'm all for that. I understand that the modern world,

part of the vernacular and the idiom

that we have is not necessarily what it was 20 years ago.

Recently, my daughter started using the word 'spicy.'

That's the new word for an attractive person.

-Did you know that, Sara?

-No.

-Spicy.

So she says, "Oh, yeah, he's the spicy one."

So I know words change and I'm all for that.

It's like, good and bad being switched.

But 'literally' is a word that has a very specific and very useful

meaning, and the times when we use it, we should do that.

And I think it's important that you stick to that.

When people misuse it, it's normally because they're idiots.

Like, there was an American news reporter I saw when

Britney Spears was having one of her semi-regular downturns, poor thing.

I think it was the time when she shaved her head and went out

and attacked a van with an umbrella.

She was in a bad way and they went outside to some sort of

terrible report and said, "What can you tell us about Britney?"

Obviously he couldn't tell us anything because he didn't know

Britney and he was just outside with the rest of the kind of

the bottom feeders, commenting on this poor woman's breakdown.

And he said, "She's literally on a roller coaster to hell."

Wow. If she was, I'd have watched all night.

May I quote the great poet Ezra Pound?

Well, he wasn't much of a poet, but anyway.

He said, "Words are shabby tools, always deteriorating."

And they are, but only if you let them.

I'm saying we should stick with 'literally' for what it is

and not let idiots destroy it. God bless you.

APPLAUSE

It's a very interesting point this,

because I am quite liberal about language being used

and changing and all that, but you're quite right.

There is a specific purpose for 'literally'

and it is being used badly.

One of the worst exponents of this is Jamie Redknapp,

who is famous now for his overuse of 'literally,'

and I've got some examples to back up your point.

For example...

LAUGHTER

To be fair to Jamie Redknapp though, the fact that his dad's dog

had a bank account might have confused him.

The richest dog in the world.

Exactly. Now this one is particularly interesting.

Now, I should point out,

Peter Schmeichel's is Kasper Schmeichel's father.

This is one of the few opportunities he had to use 'literally' correctly.

Would you say you were a pedantic person when it comes to language?

I'm not overly pedantic.

And I'll be honest with you, if you don't put it in Room 101,

I'm not going to lose sleep over it, Frank, but...

-What, literally?

-It does bother me.

OK, so what person winds up Michael?

Luis Suarez.

Yes. Now, in case you're not a football fan, we should point out

that Luis Suarez is, I think you'd agree, a very fine footballer.

I would say he's one of the best.

Yes, but he does occasionally bite people.

Well, this is my point.

In sport, you've got to be a role model.

There's millions of kids watching you all over the world,

and your job is to try and send a message through the TV screens

for those kids to try and follow you.

2010, Luis Suarez took a chunk out of someone's neck playing for Ajax.

2013, he took a chunk out of someone's arm

playing against Chelsea, and he took it onto the World Cup.

He had a bite of an Italian.

I don't mind him biting Italians, to be honest.

Now what kind of an example is that to the children watching at home?

LAUGHTER

Don't you agree, especially as a man who was a captain of a major team,

that you have to give geniuses a bit of leeway?

You know, McEnroe, Cantona, Lindsay Lohan...

But do you know what I mean?

Let's say Freddie Flintoff had bitten Shane Warne.

That would be fine.

LAUGHTER

But, Michael, is there a thing where sportsmen aren't very clever,

as in they're not the brightest people in the...

-Not you, but other sportsmen...

-I would say you have a point.

No matter how thick you are as a sportsperson...

-Yeah. Who's the thickest?

-I think you've got to be...

LAUGHTER

We're going to be all night now.

He's going to reel off a list of thousands.

-It's very difficult, isn't it, to...

-To be a sportsman and read a book?

Yeah...

LAUGHTER

-I would say that there's one thing being thick...

-Mm.

-But there's another thing biting someone.

-Yeah.

And then doing it a second time and a third time.

Can I read you his statement to FIFA after the World Cup bite?

He said, "I lost my balance and that destabilised my body

"and I fell into my opponent.

"In the moment, my face came into collision with the player, causing

"a small bruise on my cheekbone and a lot of pain to my teeth."

It's a bit like when these blokes turn up in A & E and they say,

"When I flopped down on the sofa I forgot I'd put the cucumber there."

LAUGHTER

It's...

I'd rather he'd have fessed up.

I mean, I have to say, I don't think it's that bad, the biting thing.

What?

AUDIENCE BOO

Boo!

I honestly don't know why there's such a big fuss about it.

Because he...because he assaulted another man in the middle of a game.

Well, for a start, one point, he's a brilliant player, and...

Let's put it this way -

if I thought he'd still got some pace and could organise a back four,

I would happily have Charles Manson playing for West Bromwich Albion.

Biting someone is not going to change the course of the game.

He's bitten three people.

None of them had to leave the pitch.

None of them were badly injured.

LAUGHTER

You are so weird right now, it's unbelievable.

Apparently Suarez has been sent thousands of abusive

letters about this, but he's never got them

because the postman won't go anywhere near his house.

OK, so what person winds up Sara?

Now, sorry, guys, to make your things look really flippant,

but I've chosen the Grim Reaper, and that is because I don't want to die.

People have died before this so that we could evolve,

so that humanity could improve, but now I am the end of evolution.

I'm excellent. It's been perfected. Why should I have to go anywhere?

LAUGHTER

Well, you know, dying.

I'm a Roman Catholic, so for me it's just like moving house.

LAUGHTER

I'm not really worried about it.

You don't get to choose where you move to.

Well, no, that's... You do if you live your life correctly.

LAUGHTER

The trouble is, if there's no death,

where are Oxfam going to get their clothes from?

Don't you think the concept of death is useful to us, even if

-the actual thought of death itself is rather grim?

-OK.

I recently ate too many chips one night,

and it was a terrible evening. I'd gone out...

You have a really hard life, don't you?

LAUGHTER It's a sad story.

I went out to get chips for me and the wife,

and I was so starving I ate all of mine.

I must have eaten a portion that big of chips.

Then I hate half of my wife's.

By the time I went to bed, I probably had the size of like a

large football of largely undigested undercooked potatoes in my stomach.

Woke up in the middle of the night needing to try

and move this terrible plug. Nothing was happening.

I was sweating, I was moaning, walking up and down.

I was banging my head, trying to put a cold towel on, I was in agony.

Got no sympathy from my wife whatsoever.

So, at that stage, I was longing for the relief that death would bring.

LAUGHTER

If death did not exist, even as a concept,

that would have been an even worse night than it already was.

But it wasn't death that you needed. It was a bowel movement.

LAUGHTER

That's a very fine line, that.

-Oh, imagine if I die before this goes out.

-Wow.

If you can just smile for a second and stay still,

then we can use that photo on the end with your dates.

LAUGHTER

Let's hope not, though. Let's hope not.

Funerals can be quite creative events though.

I have some footage of a funeral.

This was a woman who was a fanatical ten-pin bowler, and her friends

clubbed together, paid some money and came up with this as a funeral.

Take these last memories of the opportunity of serving

your momma down here...

by pushing her down.

LAUGHTER

When I pushed that casket, I just had this fantastic feeling come

over me, like she was there, just helping me get it down the lane.

THEY CHEER

That's ridiculous.

What if she got lost down the back, like the ball does sometimes?

OK, so now we come to the end.

Well, I do worry about getting rid of death, because I think there

might come a time when I'm really looking forward to it.

Suarez, I think is one of the great players in the world...

AUDIENCE BOO

..and I'm not going to let the bigotry of the audience...

LAUGHTER OBSCURES SPEECH

But I do think we have to be very careful about this wonderful English

language that we all share, and we need to protect it and cosset it.

So I am going to put, literally, people who use the word

'literally' into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Next category, please.

It's Food & Drink.

So what doesn't Michael like about food and drink?

Pick 'n' Mix.

AUDIENCE BOO

What a good response.

What? Are you insane?

-The crowd aren't disapproving. They're shocked.

-No, listen.

I love sweets, but I just hate that I go to a service station or

a sweet shop with my three kids, and when I was growing up there was

penny sweets, two-penny sweets, and you knew exactly what you

were getting and what you were paying for it.

You go with your kids, and you're trying to direct them to the light

sweets, because they put them on that weighing scale, and it's going

to be cheaper, and they go straight for the gobstopper, or the massive

cola bottles, which I'm pretty sure are now made out of lead.

So my point is, wherever there's Pick 'n' Mix,

you go to get ten cola bottles and it comes out at £4.86,

where really it should be 30p, like the old days.

There used to be a tradition, didn't there,

of the tight-fisted Yorkshireman?

LAUGHTER

Obviously that was inaccurate.

There are very few items in the Pick 'n' Mix

I don't enjoy wholeheartedly, although I did

once go a bit crazy on the fudge, and I ate so much I started crying.

LAUGHTER

I had a weird emotional response.

I was sitting in a movie and I ate loads of fudge

and I'd run out of the stuff I wanted.

You know when you fill up the big carton? You get a carton.

-What did it cost you?

-About £25.

LAUGHTER

I really, really, really like the sponge prawns.

Oh, God, you've all got awful taste in sweets.

No, they're the best.

-They're called a foam prawn, aren't they?

-Shrimps.

-These are the ones I'm talking about.

-Yeah. Foam prawn.

You call that a foam prawn?

It's also if you have a child that loses an ear.

LAUGHTER

No, I think it's a beautiful thing,

and I'm happy to pay through the nose for it, I must say.

I had a terrible thing recently

when I realised that maybe I'm not the romantic I used to be.

I ate a whole packet of Love Hearts

and I realised I hadn't read any of them.

LAUGHTER

So what doesn't Sara like about food and drink?

My one is stupid things that are said to vegetarians.

I've been vegetarian since I was seven.

I'm now vegan, because I'm fun-time, but people ask what you miss,

and, "How do you get your protein?"

And then, "You know we're supposed to eat meat?"

like they've thought about it for longer than I have.

"Oh, yeah, really? Tell me more about this new theory you've got."

It's so hard when you're abroad.

I went to Norway last weekend to do some gigs, and they said to me,

"In Stavanger it's quite difficult, but there's one vegetarian restaurant."

So I went to the vegetarian restaurant

and ordered a vegetarian salad and it came with a beef burger on it.

LAUGHTER

But don't you miss beef burgers?

LAUGHTER

This is the other thing people will say.

They think they can catch you out with a moral thing.

They go, "What about if I said I was going to kill a chicken

"unless you ate this chicken?"

"Ah. I'd call the police."

-But we were hunter-gatherers, weren't we?

-Yeah.

Well, we were gatherers first, and then we became...

Yeah, but hunter-gatherers, hunter gets top billing.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, like Baddiel and Skinner.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Doesn't necessarily mean anything, Frank.

One thing I sympathise for you is, I no longer drink alcohol

because of...I think the term is "alcoholism."

LAUGHTER

I went into a wine merchant's with a woman I was going out

with at the time, and she was trying to buy a really nice

bottle of wine for a friend, and this guy said to me, "Try this wine.

"It's absolutely beautiful." And I said, "I won't, thank you."

He said, "It really is absolutely beautiful."

I said, "I really won't." He said, "Honestly, I insist you try this,"

and I thought, "I'm going to have to say it."

And I said, "Look, sorry, I'm an alcoholic."

And he said, "Maybe a sparkling wine?"

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

So, I have a certain sympathy, I must say.

What about this idea that vegetables have feelings too?

I have some photographic evidence

which suggests that vegetables might be living creatures.

Look at this. This is the hip-hop carrot.

Wow.

LAUGHTER

The louche parsnip.

Oh, he's lovely.

And the runaway radish.

Ah.

OK, then, what doesn't Jonathan like about food and drink?

The snail. I do not enjoy eating the snail.

You know no-one really likes it, because when it's served,

how many people have actually eaten snail?

Quite a few. OK.

How many people like eating snail?

LAUGHTER

-You enjoy snail?

-Yeah.

When I had snail it was so covered in butter and garlic that it

might as well have been a mushroom in there, frankly.

It really wasn't the snail you were eating,

because you didn't taste anything. You were eating it...

And I can understand maybe way back in time when, you know,

we were hunter-gatherers, obviously it's an easier thing to catch than

many of the animals running around, so you can see why it would have

been a dinner of hazelnut and snail, because boom, boom, boom, boom.

But it's not a tasty dish.

And just look at it. It's bloody disgusting.

"Er, I'm a big slimy..."

I don't even want to know what that stuff is coming out.

I don't even want to know where it comes out of.

All over the path. And at night when you go out,

I go into the garden at night sometimes to take

the dogs out in the evening, and sometimes I do a wee in the garden -

I don't mind admitting that - to encourage the dogs to join me.

LAUGHTER

I'm the leader of the pack. So I'm out in the garden, right?

So I'm probably not wearing much.

You walk out and you're barefoot, you tread on a snail at night,

it's a horrible feeling. Crunch, then, er...

I really don't want to eat it.

So I don't like being given snails to eat.

I don't really like snails. And I'm not squeamish about weird food.

I like an oyster. Oh, I love an oyster.

Oh, I don't. I think it's like licking phlegm off a tortoise.

LAUGHTER

Maybe I don't like them as much as I used to, but...

LAUGHTER

In terms of all the innards bits,

any time meat is not in the shape that you cut it...

I don't mind that. I know when I'm eating hot dogs I'm probably eating

the foreskin of a cow, and that's fine.

-I think a cow is female.

-Is it? OK.

LAUGHTER

Well, they do a lot of stuff with genetics these days with animals.

You know how when someone has got a particular problem, they wear,

like, a bracelet or a necklace so the ambulance driver knows?

Yeah, like an allergy.

-You need a laminated thing in all your dinner jackets...

-"No snails."

The whole instructions, just why you don't like them,

all of your thoughts and feelings.

Just show it to the manager or the waitress.

That is a feminine approach, to say, "All your thoughts and feelings."

I don't think I need all my thoughts and feelings on the card.

OK. You're the one eating fudge and crying, mate,

-before you make any comments about gender.

-APPLAUSE

I'm not ashamed of crying over fudge.

Well, we come to the end of that round.

I'm not going to put snails in, because it is the closest

I get to sophistication, and I do have a soft spot for them.

They're like little foreign tourists with their backpacks.

Pick 'n' Mix, I would pay twice as much.

It's such a joyous, exciting,

'who knows what's round the corner?' experience.

But I sympathise and empathise with...

I think it's hard enough being a vegetarian

without people asking stupid questions.

So I'm going to put stupid things that people say to

-vegetarians into Room 101.

-Yeah! Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Yeah.

Good call. Well argued.

Right, let's have our next category, please.

It's the Wildcard. There's no restraints.

You can pick anything at all that you don't like.

What is Sara's wildcard?

LAUGHTER

Right. I have picked time as my wildcard.

I'm getting rid of time.

Can we say, this is Old Father Time.

We just put a watch on the Grim Reaper.

Oh, I see. I didn't even see the watch. Yeah.

Well, yeah. I just think we should get rid of time.

I think we should do things when we want to do things.

I think... I don't like having to go out for people's birthdays.

Sometimes I really feel like going out two days before that and nothing

is going on, and then on their birthday I don't want to go out.

I want to get up when I've finished sleeping.

I want to go to bed when I want to sleep.

I think we should all go to work for as long as it takes to

do our work, and when our work's finished we can leave.

You're describing my son, who's a student.

That's his life right there.

How would it affect other people though?

Because if we all operate on different times...

First of all, it would be chaotic.

So, for instance, you want to go somewhere.

You decide you do want to go somewhere, and the bus driver,

there's no timetable.

He or she drives along, at some point,

because they have to do their job to get paid.

So you might be waiting there for quite a long time.

It might be frustrating, but eventually I think we'd all

relax about these constraints and realise actually life is

happening all the time, whether I'm waiting for a bus or not.

-Enjoy the journey, guys.

-Have you ever been on holiday to Jamaica?

-No.

-Very similar approach there.

I waited two days for a bus out there.

The thing is with time, is that we could...we can deny it,

but eventually we age and become older.

-It beats us, doesn't it?

-Well, we won't know, because...

-Oh, you'll know.

-..you've decided when your birthdays are.

Believe me, you'll know. I had a situation two weeks ago.

I couldn't remember the name of a West Bromwich Albion player,

a main player in the team, who I've seen play many times.

So I spent two hours, and I got it.

I got it and I remembered, and I was telling someone this story two

days later, and I couldn't remember which player I couldn't remember.

LAUGHTER

OK, what is Jonathan's wildcard?

Boom. My wildcard is, and this seems to be a growing trend.

It annoys me every time I see it, is when they have commercials,

or you see posters, and they're using dead celebrities -

who clearly can't give their consent - to advertise stuff.

I hate it. There's the advert selling chocolate, which,

it looks like Audrey Hepburn in the advert.

It's an incredible feat of technology, and

I admire the people doing it for the skill they're putting into it, but

it looks like Audrey Hepburn in some beautiful sort of Italian

fishing village, missing a bus, and it's all to sell a chocolate bar.

We have that. Would you like to...?

Well, no, I clearly don't want to see it.

Why are you rubbing my face in it? What's wrong with you, Frank?

-Just to illustrate.

-OK, let's do that. An aide-memoire.

Can I say, one thing I've noticed about this Audrey Hepburn,

is Audrey Hepburn, when she eats chocolate, she doesn't chew.

She swallows it like a lozenge.

LAUGHTER

Gone. Weird. Anyway, here's Audrey enjoying a bit of choc.

MUSIC: Moon River

LAUGHTER

-Like a lizard. She just swallowed it.

-Yeah.

But, you know, it is an incredible feat.

What worries me is they might start doing movies this way as well.

And you think, OK, obviously a lot of what actors choose

a part for is, you know, they're doing it...it's their living.

But they choose films because it's something they want to do, whether

they want the challenge, or they want to be in that particular movie.

Sometimes it's just for cash.

I mean, Michael Caine famously did Jaws IV, and when critics

afterwards said it was a terrible movie,

he said, "Well, I've never seen the film, but I've seen the house

"that I bought with the money, and that's marvellous."

LAUGHTER

But here's the thing. That was his choice, you know.

No, I can see that it's morally...

I mean, I've heard that they've got Churchill now advertising insurance.

LAUGHTER

Don't encourage him any more.

-Well, let me... Just to lighten things a bit.

-Yeah.

This is an advert with a living...

she was living, and this is Doris Day advertising steam rollers.

LAUGHTER

That's brilliant, isn't it?

And can I read you some of the text on this?

"When Doris Day needs road rolling equipment, you can

"bet she's going to turn to a name she's known and trusted for years."

Listen to this.

"No, Doris, there isn't a vanity mirror,

"but the International Series 56 will have your tarmac

"compressed in time for you to stop off at the beauty salon to

"have your hair done and cook a tasty dinner for your husband."

LAUGHTER

OK, let's have a look at Michael's wildcard.

-Miming.

-Mmm.

Singers that mime.

We, as a family, I don't know if you're all like our sad family,

-on a Saturday night, the other channel...

-Yeah.

We sit around and watch the show, and there's four judges,

and they judge shop workers, fishmongers,

-who sing live in front of 12 million people.

-Mmm.

And then Dermot O'Reilly comes onstage

-and introduces a world famous...

-"Dermot O'Reilly?" Are you miming?

It's got a very camp thing, isn't it? Dermot? Oh, really?

LAUGHTER

He comes onstage and he introduces a megastar,

sold three billion albums worldwide,

and then they go and mime onstage in front of the four judges.

And I just watch it and go, what other jobs in the world can

you actually get paid thousands, yet you can mime doing it?

So I'm getting rid of miming singers. Do your job.

Get on the mic and sing.

-That's a very good point.

-Mmm.

I know Margaret Thatcher hated it as...

No, that was mining.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I just can't understand that...

Is there any other job that you can think of

where someone could just press play?

Autopilot.

There's one.

Disc jockey. Loads.

There's loads, yeah. There's millions.

LAUGHTER

Have you ever done that thing when you just get an edge off the bat

and then you do that, pretending it's hit you on the arm?

-Yes.

-That's miming.

LAUGHTER

That's cheating.

How are you with animals miming?

I've never met one.

Well, I'm going to...

This is a cat.

And can I say, this isn't computer-messed-about-with.

What the guy is doing,

he's just sticking his finger in the tickly bit on a cat's ribcage,

and this what can be produced with that technique.

# Just take those old records off the shelf

# I'll sit and listen to 'em by myself

# Today's music ain't got the same soul

# I like that old time rock and roll. #

Ah, lovely cat.

Kind of looks like it's enjoying it.

Don't you think he looks like he's enjoying the attention?

He does. I worry about the thick bandana.

It makes me worry that they might have grafted a cat's head

onto a speaker.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, that brings us to the end of this round,

and, well, they're good ones.

Time, I'm struggling with a bit.

I agree with you. I mean, I don't like having to get

up in the morning, but I think it's...

I'm just glad that I still do.

I take your point about dead people in adverts,

but some of them look so brilliant, those ads.

But it's never really occurred to me before, Michael,

that if you're supposed to be good at your job,

you should be able to get on and do your job.

I'm going to put...

In your fabulous, common sense arguing,

I'm going to put miming into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

SPEECH OBSCURED BY APPLAUSE

Yeah, me too. I thought that too.

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Jonathan, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,

-so you are this week's winner.

-Oh, thank you.

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much to Jonathan Ross, Michael Vaughan

and Sara Pascoe, and thank you, good night.