Episode 1 Room 101

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101.

The show where three guests compete

to get their pet hates

exiled forever to the dark vault that is Room 101.

They'll have to argue their case well

because, in each round, only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are remarkable man, Nigel Havers,

remarkable nan, Catherine Tate,

and remarkable tan, Rylan Clark-Neal.

CHEERING

I'll take it.

I'll take that.

BELL DINGS

Let's get ready to grumble. LAUGHTER

And let's see what's winding up Catherine.

Yes.

Minimiser bras. Now, look, I've got quite big boobs,

and it's very difficult to find bras that are...

sort of, nice and sexy looking, when they're holding up boulders.

And when the Wonderbra sensation came out,

the ladies with the opposite problem got this great invention,

Wonderbra, because Wonderbras get your boobs,

push them up - like this -

and, aptly named,

because I tried one on...

I did wonder.

I wondered where my face had gone, for a start.

Now, someone's had the temerity...

..to bring out a bra that says to ladies with big boobs,

"Not only have you got to diminish them,

"we're going to make them this piece of underwear

"so unattractive...

"you're very unlikely to find a partner anyway."

And if you do, it'd be much better if you kept your anorak on.

And the way they do it,

I don't think they've quite worked it through,

is they've obviously gone,

"Look, what we'll do is... get your boobs,

"shove them under your arms."

-And that's how they work.

-APPLAUSE

-So...

-I'll be honest with you now.

Did you not know they existed?

I did not know they existed.

So I've researched the minimiser bra.

I have some bullet points, but, um...

I dare say it'll flatten those out.

"The cup shape is designed with a wider diameter

"and a shorter projection,

"your malleable breast tissue is flattened

"and moved more under your arms,

"towards your centre cleavage,

"up your chest and down towards your waist."

It's, sort of, the...

It's the socialist ideal of the redistribution of assets.

Yes.

-We have a picture of you on the town, just...

-Don't.

-..just to illustrate.

-What do you mean?

-You what?

-Looking glamorous.

Oh, my God!

WOLF WHISTLES FROM CROWD

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Take it off!

-You look great.

Take it off!

-Take it down!

-OK, take it down.

I think you look... I think it looks fantastic.

I think it looks fantastic.

This is the thing, most men think that women should dress like that...

going to Sainsbury's. Don't you?

-Yes.

-If that photograph of me is a good thing,

cos I was definitely not wearing in minimiser bra in that shot.

-You weren't.

-No, I wasn't.

But, the worrying thing was, I wasn't wearing a Wonderbra.

What were you wearing?

There was just two very short men stood underneath me,

holding them up, that they've cropped out of the top.

I'm not condemning anyone who wears a minimiser -

I wear minimiser pants.

I...

I don't. I don't, actually.

I do.

Do you remember, about a year ago, there was this mad phase of the...?

It was called the "pen boob challenge," on the internet.

Is it, you have to pull your boob up

and, if you can hold...?

-A pen.

-Yeah, a pen or a pencil under it.

I'll give you a fairly...

-There's...

-What?!

That's quite a daring photo for you to put up there.

-It is.

-Another one of mine.

THEY LAUGH

This woman just took it a tad further.

APPLAUSE

Another one of yours?

It's like a Dyson Halloween campaign.

Anyway...

what's winding up Nigel?

CHEERING AND JEERING

APPLAUSE

Ooh!

It's, of course, nothing personal.

-Oh, no(!)

-No.

He represents a lot of politicians

who pretend to be one thing...

And he's the worst offender at this, in my book...

He pretends to be one thing, when, in fact,

he's something completely different.

He says he's a Labour...you know...

but, in fact, he's a Marxist.

-We know that.

-A what?

A Marxist.

I'll explain what it is after the show.

For instance, he doesn't agree with sugar,

but he makes jam.

How's it going so far?

He said, "I'm going to be new, I'm going to have...

"I'm going to lead the party, it's the end of...

"of politics as we know it.

"It'll be kind politics."

Kind politics? Have you seen the party he runs?

-It's in ruins at the moment...

-Well, I think it's...

..and I'm a Labour supporter, in many ways.

-Seriously.

-Sorry?

BELL DINGS

-Are you all right?

-Don't send me a curveball, Nigel.

However many people say, "You're not fit to run this party,"

he's not going to move aside,

which I think is a little selfish of him.

Well, he does keep getting voted in

by an enormous majority of the membership.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can I just say, my mum said I would never end up on Newsnight

but, Mum, I'm really close!

So close.

I can imagine you ending up on Newsnight as a topic.

I mean, I'm not massively shocked

-that you've chosen Jeremy Corbyn.

-Really?

-Well, you know, you're Nigel Havers, for goodness' sake.

-Yeah.

If you'd chosen cravats, I would have been gobsmacked.

He doesn't preach what he says.

You can't say, "I'm home making jam,"

then you say, "I don't agree with sugar."

What the hell is that all about?

I'm surprised this is the policy you've picked on.

Let's bring us all in,

because I've got another thing that makes me love Jeremy Corbyn.

And this is a...

I mean they love a photo opportunity,

don't they, politicians? That's one of their things.

They're holding a child,

they're standing next to some...

But this is one of my favourite politician photo opportunities.

-That's one of my favourites an' all.

-Yeah.

-He's got your vote.

-I mean...

He's not gone, "No, I'm not going to...

"I'm not going to not expose myself...!"

Well...

He said, "I'm not going to not take this photo."

If you look at that, that is the face of a man

who's aware of 200 years of British comedy tradition.

He knows he's holding comedy in his hands there.

This is what he said about this photo opportunity

when asked about it.

He said...

His was a pathetic little banana,

and I have got a massive marrow.

APPLAUSE

Well, one thing I like about him

is he's spent a lot of his time, I think,

in smoky rooms, in council buildings and stuff like that

and now, suddenly, he's been thrust on the main stage,

and he isn't always as slick and professional as he could be.

On one of his first major speeches, for example,

they read from an Autocue,

so they have the speech going up on a screen,

and you get the occasional stage direction on there

and the idea is that you're not supposed to read those out.

Here's Jeremy.

We need to be investing in skills,

investing in our young people,

and, strong message here...

-LAUGHTER

-..not cutting student numbers.

APPLAUSE

-Actually, I find that quite endearing, actually.

-Yeah, me, too.

-I do, I have to say.

-There's been so many flashy, slick politicians,

I like the fact that he wears sandals and socks.

He's like... Well, he's probably not a breath of fresh air, but...

We have a picture of him in his...

There's the sandals.

It did make me think though,

he's got sandals, like Jesus,

he's got a beard, like Jesus,

he's got the same initials as Jesus...

..and, like Jesus, his friends call him Jezza.

-It's only the jam thing that separates them.

-It is.

Let's find out what is winding up Rylan.

APPLAUSE

Low ceilings, Frank.

As a man...

..I am six foot three, six foot four,

-depending on what boots I've got on...

-OK.

..and every day is a struggle for me.

Whether I'll be, you know, walking along the road,

there could be a branch.

Whether I'm on a plane...

That is a self-portrait, of myself, on the screen now.

But, more importantly,

I feel that I have a constant groove in the top of my head

from doorframes.

I've had to have the doorframes in my house raised.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Wow.

-Because it just don't work.

Especially when the hair's up.

Have you considered...

ducking?

Frank, I don't consider it,

-I am a professional ducker!

-OK.

APPLAUSE

I duck morning, noon and night.

Respect.

But I don't enjoy it.

I just... I don't.

Let's talk about the top deck of a bus.

It all goes on on the top deck of a bus.

That's where you want to be on a bus, you know?

-LAUGHTER

-You do.

-You're right, though. You're right.

-Do you know what I mean?

I mean, I'm not going to lie, I've not been on a bus for years.

-But...

-LAUGHTER

I'm being serious.

If I wanted to get on a bus, I'd want to get on the top deck...

..but I'll get up them stairs,

and I'll probably be three away from the top,

and that's it.

So, the next step is that.

The step before the actual floor is that.

And then, when I'm actually on the top deck, I'm like that.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's hard. It's tough.

APPLAUSE

You try doing that when it's moving.

I mean, I've give half of London lap dances,

I really have.

What you really need is a tourist bus,

then you can stand fully.

Yeah, but then it rains, then the hair. Oh, it's a drama.

-You don't want your face to run.

-No.

Believe me, it's run many a time.

Generally, would you say it was a plus, in life, to be tall?

At a concert, it comes in handy.

-Changing light bulbs?

-Light bulbs are fine.

You can never really enjoy a maze.

-No.

-Would be my guess.

I did go... I remember...

I can't even... A good few years back now,

I went to, like, a holiday site...

..down in Devon, we had a lovely time,

and there was this, like, sort of, amusement-y park,

outdoor fun...

Fun in the farm, whatever it was called.

And they had this maze and it was like a hedge maze,

and I've never been in a hedge maze,

but I always find it quite exciting,

-the thought of a hedge maze...

-Mmm!

..because it's hedges.

-Almost always.

-Do you know what I mean, though?

As a child, you think, "Oh, hedge maze!

"What's in the middle?"

And I could tell you what was in the middle

from the gate at the front of the park.

APPLAUSE

Can I tell you something? You're six foot three.

Six foot three, yeah.

My son, who is four,

got a certificate for swimming two metres,

which is...

less than you.

Anyway, I feel your pain, I must say.

Well, you can physically feel it, if you want.

I've got that little ridge.

I'm not going to feel your ridge, I'll trust you on it.

And I sort of think that the minimiser bra

goes against everything I believe in.

And, Nigel...

I'm not going to put in...

I knew you wouldn't.

You argued your case well, but I think he is a breath of fresh air.

Good, I'm glad.

I'm beginning to agree with you.

LAUGHTER

But I think that the case that has moved me the most,

and has made me....

emotionally involved with the argument

has to be Catherine,

so I'm going to put minimiser bras into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, girl!

CHEERING

So, what is...

Nigel's choice?

What?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My choice is shops at airports.

To start with,

they call themselves "duty-free shops,"

there's nothing free about them at all.

I know for a fact that,

if I buy something in a duty-free shop at the airport,

it's going to be more expensive

than buying it at the high street at home. That's the first thing.

And secondly, they make you snake through endless, endless shops.

You're trying to get to the aeroplane.

I find it just so frustrating

and it's full of things you don't want to buy

cos you're going on holiday anyway!

The whole thing is a barrage

of people trying to make money out of you.

It's expensive enough flying anyway.

You don't want to spend any more money.

Why can't the airport just be an airport

where you can just fly to where you want to go?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll admit the duty-free is a strange shop indeed.

It's, sort of, chocolate, cigarettes,

perfume, alcohol...

It's like a, sort of, Loose Women theme park.

And they sell these...

This is the most peculiar thing, is the whisky in a box.

Why does that exist?

I mean, it's not like...

You know when you get guys on waste ground

drinking out of brown paper bags,

is it the sort of...?

You never see anyone on waste ground drinking out of one of these, ever.

And is the idea that, if...?

You know, you've had a bottle of whisky at home in the evening.

Maybe you don't drink the whole thing.

We've all had nights like that. Quiet nights.

When you're halfway down and you think,

"I've had enough now for tonight,"

do you actually put it back in the box?

Is that what one does?

Do you two shop at the airport?

I LOVE shopping at the airport.

Do you?

-Yeah, I love an airport shop.

-I love an airport shop.

But now we've had Brexit,

does that mean that we get the cheaper price at the airport?

No, more expensive.

Oh, what's the point?

It's a very late reaction, if you don't mind me saying.

You're still buying something

that's going to be slightly more expensive than it is back at home.

And also, you've got hand luggage -

what, you're going to add more to your hand luggage?

And then the planes don't even let you have them.

-No, they don't.

-Then, they're like,

"You've got to put it all in one bag."

It's like, "You could've told me that

"before I just spent 300 quid in TK Maxx at the airport!"

Nobody's ever spent 300 quid in TK Maxx.

What did you do, buy the company?

All I'm saying is, basically, the airport, now, is a shopping mall,

which happens to have, in one side of it, some aeroplanes parked up...

-LAUGHTER

-..to take you somewhere.

But, basically, it's a huge shopping mall.

I'll tell you what really annoys me

about the airport shops at duty-free -

everyone likes to buy a little aftershave

or a perfume at the airport, it's what you do. Right?

It's what you do.

But why sell 120ml bottles of perfume...

..for 50 quid?

And you think, "Bargain, I'll take it."

You fly out to Spain,

you put a bit on, "Oh, I smell lovely."

Come back to Malaga airport,

"No, can't put that through, 100 mils."

-"What?!"

-LAUGHTER

All these security, airport security,

they must be lapping it up.

They could open a small branch of Boots!

-He's not just a pretty face.

-Thank you.

-No.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've been trying to tell you.

I like to take back a gift for my partner if I've been away

and I tend to get them at the airport...

-Foolish! Foolish man.

-..20 minutes before.

But then, her face, when she says, "Oh, Frank.

"Another European plug adapter."

It really moves me.

So what is upsetting Rylan?

This really winds me right up.

Set-up paparazzi shoots.

Obviously, I'm lucky enough, now, to work in this industry

and I love my job.

I, personally, don't like having my photo taken,

but what really winds me up is

when I do my job on certain other shows

where I'm talking about, maybe, a bit of gossip that's going on

and stuff like that. And I've got to say, "Oh,

"did you see this picture of so-and-so in the park,

"working out, full face of make-up?"

Or someone looking sad.

Someone looking sad, sitting by the river,

"Oh, so-and-so since break-up looking sad by the river."

That's a bit of a worry, isn't it?

Looking sad by the river?

-You would think it was a worry..

-Yes.

-..but really,

they're sitting there going, "Have you got that shot yet?"

"You got that shot yet?

"Lovely, let's go out and have a nice bit of chicken."

I hate it!

And the ones that really wind me up are the working out ones.

The working out ones.

Like someone, you know, had a little bit of weight,

and now they've lost the weight to get the DVD.

And then it's like, oh, you know,

they're just randomly in the park in a sports bra,

their hair's been done by a hairdresser,

up in a high ponytail, you know, perfectly straightened,

eye make-up, smoky eyes, heavy lip.

No-one goes to the park with a heavy lip and a high pony.

Well, in the days when I was a bit more of a tabloid figure,

a popular Sunday newspaper offered me and my girlfriend, at the time,

they offered us a free week's holiday in the Caribbean...

-Here we go.

-..if we'd agree to be photographed,

-just for an afternoon...

-On the beach?

-..frolicking on the beach.

-Yes!

I think they wanted me to frolic, unselfconsciously,

-with a beachball...

-Yep!

..which I have never done in my life.

And they said, "We'll give you a free holiday,

"all we want is just those few shots

"and look as if you don't know we're there."

Yep, totally agree.

And that happens every single day.

And do you know what makes it even worse?

When they do it themselves.

So, like, I don't know, let's say "Mary," for arguments sake...

Mary was on a reality show, work's dried up a bit,

don't really know what she's going to do next.

Ring old Pappy Pete up.

"Let's go down Southend seafront,

"I'll get a bag of chips,

"and we'll make out a seagull's attacked me."

No!

And I speak no lie, a few days ago,

I saw a news article with a certain person

who was attacked by a seagull...

..holding a bag of chips...

-..in work-out gear with a heavy lip and a high pony.

-No!

APPLAUSE

We have a picture... Now, how much of this is accidental,

and how much of it is, they absolutely know what's going on?

This is Orlando Bloom

-and Katy Perry...

-Yep.

-..on a...

-I think it's called a paddle board thing.

-Yep.

AUDIENCE GASPS

-That's a well-known shot that, isn't it?

-It is.

It's become a famous shot.

I feel sorry for Katy Perry

cos, for me, it's a big story - a picture of Katy Perry in a bikini.

And she has, you know...

-It's like on a wedding, it's the bride's day...

-Yeah.

..whereas I feel there are three people in this marriage...

..and, if you look at her face,

I don't think she knows what's going on behind her.

I think she thought that was

the beak of a playful dolphin at her back.

Definitely, the last time she looked behind, he was wearing pants.

Yeah, definitely.

I'd like to know how he's managed to stand up

and get a pair of pants off on a paddle board.

Now, I don't know if you saw the original of this picture...

Of course I've seen the original of this photo.

I thought you might have.

Let's put it this way, he's not in any trouble if he loses the paddle!

No.

OK, then, what's winding up Catherine?

Hipster restaurants, yeah!

APPLAUSE

Look, here's one example, right?

There is a restaurant, I won't say where it is.

The spelling of this restaurant is A-X-E.

A-X-E.

What would one normal person assume the name of this restaurant is?

-Axe.

-Axe!

It's not called Axe, do you know what it's called?

Ah-shay.

So, a normal person would go in

and say, "Can I have the Axe burger?"

And they look at you as if you've...

..dug out their mother's innards...

..put them between two slices, and chomped into it,

because, they'll go, "It's Ah-shay."

"As in, what? As in, shove it up your ar-shay?"

APPLAUSE

To be fair, as long as they pay their tah-shays!

As an example of this in this country, there is a...

There's a restaurant in East London...

..called Cereal Killer...

-Yes!

-..which sells breakfast cereal.

And it's run by twins, in fact.

Hipster twins, I'm going to call them.

Here they are.

It looks as if somebody has sprinkled magical beauty dust

on the Hairy Bikers.

As long as it's fun, that's OK.

But in a lot of hipster restaurants, it's not fun, it's like a religion.

OK.

And it's almost like you're being judged.

I do like the gimmicky ones, because I'm not a big...

I don't love eating. I'm not that interested in food.

-Oh!

-And so, I like it...

I remember I was on a drip once, I loved it.

-Really?

-Oh, it was great.

You know, I didn't have to get anything on my teeth,

I didn't gain weight.

I just... I didn't have to worry about it, it was just there.

I miss it, I'll be honest with you.

Hipster coffee shops as well, that's a worry for me,

because I'm not a coffee connoisseur,

but I do like a little bit of coffee,

and a lot of frothy milk.

But there are some coffee shops where to go in and say,

"Could I get...?

"Please, could I get a latte, but just one shot of coffee?"

And they'll say, "No."

"No, we cannot let our coffee leave the shop

"unless it's got two shots of coffee in it."

Cos it's below their coffee moral code...

Oh, wow!

..to leave the shop.

Which makes me want to run to the nearest Starbucks

-and kneel at their altar.

-Mm.

And I'll get it really quickly, they'll call me by my name

and, if I don't like it, they make it again.

I don't mind all this hipster stuff, I'm sort of open to it,

I'm a bit like, "Yeah, you want to put a burger in a pizza box

"that's brought in on a wheelbarrow, I'll have a go."

But, before, pre-beard, pre-beard life...

..I received my coffee in said establishment

that we enjoy together, and it said, "Lady in blue top."

So...

So, obviously, I pick it up, and I look around,

-for the lady...

-Oh, no!

..and then I look down...

..and realise I'm the only person in the shop in a blue top.

So I go back to the person that took my order

and said, "Sorry, is this...?

"Is this the right one?" I said,

"Cos it says, 'lady in blue top.' "

-And he went, "No, madam, that's yours."

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

So, I...

I'm afraid I need shops at airports, Nigel, because...

-Do you?

-..I do a lot of last-minute gift buying.

-Really?

-I have to get my European plug adapter.

I'm going to try and put you off doing that,

because you're paying more.

I take that as an argument

but, to be honest, I'm not short of a few bob.

I like the...

I take the coolness point about hipster restaurants,

but I do love the madness of them,

and the fun has just won it through for me.

But the set-up paparazzi shot, it is a tragic part of modern life.

It really is.

And if it's upset you, a man I see at the very centre of...

pop culture... LAUGHTER

..then it really can't be right,

-so I am going to put set up paparazzi shots into Room 101.

-Yes!

CHEERING

Go!

APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show,

strong message here... Well done...

Well done, Rylan, you were the most persuasive guest,

so you are this week's winner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, thanks very much, Rylan Clark-Neal,

Catherine Tate and Nigel Havers.

And thank you, good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE