Episode 1 Room 101


Episode 1

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Transcript


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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101.

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Now, dumping their dislikes into the dreaded vault tonight are

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Gogglebox Scarlett Moffatt,

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Brainbox Charlie Brooker,

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and Police Box, Pearl Mackie.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, shall we kick off?

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So what's upsetting Charlie Brooker?

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Ah, yeah. This is Anything I Don't Want To Do.

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Now, I recognise this is quite a broad one.

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-Mm.

-And it's a category that I find has expanded

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the older I get, basically. There's a rule,

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there's a basic rule of thumb that I think is called Sturgeon's law,

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usually applies to film and TV and literature,

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that 90% of everything is rubbish, and isn't worth bothering with.

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Most places aren't worth going to,

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most conversations aren't worth having,

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most things aren't worth eating,

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most items and objects in the world aren't worth looking at,

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or contemplating.

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I don't want to go to a forest, or a picnic, or watch your play,

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or read a book, because it's not worth doing.

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And it really comes into focus at weekends,

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and you can't just, apparently, sit around in the house

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just staring at a phone all the time, because that's sort of bad.

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And the kids know this, as well, because they've discovered iPads

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and phones, and everyone would rather be looking at those

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all the time, obviously.

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But because, out of a sense of duty and guilt,

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you end up going to a playground, or on a picnic, or to a bloody museum,

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and most things aren't worth bothering with.

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OK.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Well, thanks for coming.

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I would say that, often,

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there are things you think you aren't going to enjoy,

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and then when you do do them,

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you actually find out they're much more pleasurable than you thought.

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And I have to say, I've used that line a few times.

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What about the theory of deferred gratification,

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it's that you do something you don't want to do now

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because you'll get the reward at some point in the future?

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I'll give you an example. When I take, if I'm wearing a jumper...

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-Right...

-..when I take it off,

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I always pull the sleeves out the right way again, and I think,

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"When I come back to this jumper...

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"..set to go."

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That's bleak. That is the bleakest thing I've ever heard.

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Coming from Charlie Brooker, I take that as an enormous compliment.

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Is that...

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That's a thing?

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That's the first place you go to when I talk about pleasure,

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is you think about the thing you do with the arms of your jumper?

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I'm talking about thinking ahead to make my life sweeter

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at a later date.

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Jumper preparation.

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I feel like you need a hug.

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-Like a proper hug.

-No!

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But if you're only enjoying 98...

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Well, sorry, 2% of your life...

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It's not that... It's not that I'm not enjoying.

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It's just that the rest of it probably isn't worth bothering with.

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It would have made no difference to my quality of life if 98% of things

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hadn't happened.

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How do you decide on the 2%, though?

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Er, there's probably...

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There's probably a couple of desserts I've had I've liked.

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Probably the birth of my children.

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OK, that's a good one to put in there, yeah, yeah.

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I'd probably put that somewhere in there.

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I tell you what I would... I agree with you that I don't think

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we should do things because other people think we should do them.

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I'd agree with that.

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I mean, take this picture of a lovely beach holiday.

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LAUGHTER

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-God, I respect that Goth.

-I love that.

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That's brilliant. She's just like, "No, no, I don't do bikinis.

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-"I'm not having it."

-Can you imagine it?

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And the money she's saved on suntan lotion, fantastic.

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What about this painter and decorator who didn't want

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to move some boxes?

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LAUGHTER

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You see what your attitude does to the world, Charlie?

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That's more interesting than a plain wall, though, isn't it?

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That's an admirable spirit.

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Well, the idea of doing what you don't want to do,

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we've got an example here of a dad trying to persuade his child to do

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something they don't want to do.

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And it shows, with a bit of clever thought,

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it's amazing what you can achieve.

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THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

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LAUGHTER

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I like that.

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I just think you're liable... If you don't do things

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you don't want to do, you're liable to not make fabulous discoveries.

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Like, I recently went camping...

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-Ugh...

-..and they asked me to...

-Oh, I know, yeah.

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-Come on!

-That's a bad one to pick.

-That's not it, that's not my...

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And they asked me to build a bonfire, and I thought...

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"I really don't want to build a bonfire."

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I built a bonfire, I loved it.

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I stared at that bonfire for an hour and a half.

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If I had the choice between Netflix and a bonfire,

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I would rather have a bonfire.

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And I would not have discovered that if I'd adopted your attitude of,

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"No, I don't want to do that so I'm not going to do it."

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Speaking of which, I've got a show on Netflix, so up yours!

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Yeah, believe me, I've got several shows on the bonfire.

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OK, and so to Scarlett.

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-Crocs.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-I hate Crocs.

-They're awful.

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Awful. Look at them.

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That makes my heart angry, just looking at that illustration.

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Awful. Like, I don't understand, like,

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who sat down, and thought, "Right, we want a waterproof shoe,

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"so what we'll do is put holes in it"?

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Like, it makes no sense at all, and, like, no-one's ever, like,

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bought an outfit, and went, "I know what'll just set these off nice,

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-"a pair of Crocs."

-Well...

-Who's done that?

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And they've brought, like, nice designer types out.

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They're still Crocs. It doesn't matter if you stick jewels on them,

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make them fancy colours, prints, look at that design!

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-I think it's...

-Why are they so wide?

-Yeah, why are they so wide?

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Whose foot is that wide?

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No, I'm with you, I totally...

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That's what... I love their width,

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because when I've been wearing them a couple of hours,

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my feet start to settle.

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Oh...

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Honestly, I take them off,

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and none of my toes are touching each other any more.

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I can comb, I can actually comb with my foot.

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Like, what outfit would you wear with your Crocs?

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Well, I'll tell you something now, I do the bins in the Crocs.

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-Yeah.

-And I mow the lawn.

-What if you get bin juice

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-on your foot, though?

-Yeah.

-There's holes in them.

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-I'm prepared to live with that.

-I couldn't deal with that.

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And I mow the lawn, I do the garden, so I don't go that far.

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I would say that my Wi-Fi extends further than my Croc usage.

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So even you know how ugly they are,

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because you wouldn't go out in public with them.

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No, because of people like you making it a stigma!

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I'm wearing Crocs now.

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No, you're not!

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-I am! You can see how long I've been wearing this pair.

-Oh, no, don't.

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LAUGHTER

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I will...

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I will trim these, eventually.

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But, no, I think they're very, very...

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I can really relax in them.

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Let's say I'm at a barbecue, par example.

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And I always think there's not enough roughage at a barbecue,

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so I serve Brussels sprouts.

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Here they are.

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Just boiled. And what I do, there's no strainer, ever, so I...

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Oh!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ..slip the Croc off.

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Oh, wow!

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And then I can...

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I can offer these round.

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I just grab the slingback, and say, "Jeff, would you like a sprout?"

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And we're in business.

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Come with me.

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-Good idea?

-I mean, do you take it off your foot

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to then strain with it?

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-Yeah.

-OK. That is what I was scared of, yeah.

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Does that affect the flavour?

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Well, I wear socks with them.

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-Oh, no.

-What?

-Well, what's the point of wearing them,

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if you're going to wear socks?

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Then you're not even getting the air around your feet.

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Oh, well, let me show you.

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What... These are the socks I wear them with.

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And...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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People don't even know I'm wearing them, it's amazing.

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Also, you know, I like to cook at home.

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One thing that annoys me is when you get a beef patty.

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Whereas, I like proper minced beef. The scent of minced beef.

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So what I do...

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..I... I take off a Croc.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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-I...

-Oh, God.

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I load it.

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Oh, no, I can't bear it.

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This is like a sick Channel 4 documentary.

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I need a plunger.

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THEY GROAN

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No, that's worse than I thought it was going to be.

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APPLAUSE

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Look at that!

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You have showed me every other use of a Croc,

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other than actually its job, which is being a stylish shoe.

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You don't want to be able to strain

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your Brussels in your sandals, do you?

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You don't.

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OK, so what is winding up Pearl?

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Yeah! Yeah!

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I hate mosquitoes.

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They serve, like, absolutely no purpose, apart from to bite you,

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and just make you feel massively uncomfortable.

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It's like...

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Why are they there? Why do they exist?

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All they do is bite your skin, suck your blood a tiny bit,

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tiny bit, just enough to make you, like,

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completely uncomfortable for the rest of the evening.

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Do you know what I mean? And also, malaria, that's pretty rude.

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I'm not really down with that.

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And they only, have you noticed, they only have...

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-That little sound they make...

-SHE MAKES HIGH-PITCHED SOUND

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That little sound, they only make that, after they've

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already bitten you.

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-Did you know that?

-Is that true?

-I discovered that recently.

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Yes, it is. Yeah, and that's like, not only have you bitten me, yeah?

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But then it's like you're insulting me.

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You're adding insult to injury, you're then going...

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"Bitten you!"

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-That's not OK.

-Is that genuinely true?

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Yeah, it's the blood vibrating inside them.

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-Is it?

-Wow, that's amazing.

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That's like after you drink a cup of tea and you go, "Ah!"

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-Yeah, exactly!

-Next time I'll just go, "Yeah, I hope it chokes you!"

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But they can bite you as many times as they want, can't they?

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It's not like bees, sting you once and they're dead,

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and you're, like, "Oh, honourable, you know.

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"I appreciate what you've done."

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You know, you wouldn't have done it if you didn't mean to.

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Mosquitoes are there just like, "Om, nom, nom, nom, nom."

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Well, I've got to say, you're in very good company,

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because here's someone else who doesn't like mosquitoes.

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The Democrats...

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Oh, it was a mosquito.

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I don't want mosquitoes around me.

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I don't like mosquitoes!

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I don't like those mosquitoes, I never did.

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OK. Speaking of mosquitoes...

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..hello, Hillary, how are you doing?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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-Ooh!

-What I like about that, "I don't like mosquitoes, I never did,"

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as if there was a time when they were quite popular.

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I think it's really rude as well that they only bite certain people.

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Like, what's that about? I was at my friend's house the other day,

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on her balcony, I'd been out there for about five minutes,

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and I had about seven mosquito bites on me already.

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And I said to Emma, I was like, "Emma, do you have any, like,

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"mosquito bite cream?"

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"Anything like that?" And she's like, "Oh, no, no, sorry,

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"they don't really affect me. They don't really bite me."

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And I'm, like, "What?!"

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Why have they just munched me?

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And, like, both my other friends are completely fine.

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Feel privileged that you're the chosen one.

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But I'd rather not be, though, do you know what I mean?

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It's good to feel wanted.

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-Yeah.

-I hate to tell you this, Pearl, but one study

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showed people...

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..whose hygiene was not quite...

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LAUGHTER

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Basically, sweatier people get bitten more often.

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I am quite a sweaty person.

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-Maybe that's it.

-Oh, well, there you go. They like a bit of seasoning.

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I can't change that, though. What do I do about that?

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Wear Crocs, they're very...

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Let the air blow through you.

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OK, we come to the end of that round.

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Now then, I...

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I don't feel I can put Crocs in. I think...

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I wear them, and that would seem hypocritical.

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I think there's a bit of snobbery about Crocs.

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I think people with wide feet, really, it's changed my life.

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You wear your fancy stilettos, but when you get to a certain age,

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you need that space.

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I thought about putting in things I don't want to do.

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But I don't want to.

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So I'm going to put mosquitoes into Room 101.

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Yes! Yes!

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Get them in there. Get in! Get in!

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What's upsetting Scarlett?

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Right, Little Cartons Of UHT milk, now...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Like, what is it?

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Someone once told us that it was evaporated milk, so how is it there?

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And, like, it never has a sell-by date on.

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-No.

-It never says cow's milk.

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So I don't know what...

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..it's come from. It could be any animal.

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And, just, they're always the size of thimbles.

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Like, who has that much milk in their tea?

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Just make them a bit bigger.

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If you're going to go through all the hassle of making a

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tab that you can't open, that you've got to struggle with,

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so half of it spills out, make it bigger.

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So, how many would you use in a cup of tea?

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-About eight.

-No?

-Genuinely.

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You would use eight?

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Because they're that big.

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I know, but sometimes I'll just make the tea black,

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and I'll drink it with UHT chasers.

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Straight down.

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Milk's a natural thing, isn't it? That's why it goes off.

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It shouldn't last years.

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Do you know what I mean? It shouldn't.

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-But that's progress, isn't it?

-No.

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The life expectancy of human beings have increased, why not milk?

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I just don't... Like, they never have sell-by dates. It's dangerous.

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Well, it can't be that... Surely they wouldn't...

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The Government would...

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Stamp down on this, surely, if it was deadly?

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What does it even stand for?

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It sounds like something you need a course of antibiotics.

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UHT. "Oh, I'll have some UHT."

0:17:100:17:12

-It sounds...

-"I wouldn't want to catch UHT, lasts for ages."

0:17:120:17:16

Yeah, exactly.

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And I just don't want to be drinking something that sounds like that.

0:17:180:17:21

Do you go to the tanning salon, ever?

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What's a tanning salon? Like a spray tan?

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No, when you go, and you lie on a sunbed.

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Oh, no, I don't do that, I just fake it.

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I find they make a fabulous pair of...

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That's brilliant.

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That is brilliant.

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Not only that, but it's not the only sensitive area on your body,

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obviously, so I also wear...

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They call me Pot Noodle at the tanning salon.

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I quite like the novelty of opening them.

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You just need to get out more.

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It means you're not at home, doesn't it? It's a little treat.

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Think of it as fun-sized milk.

0:18:140:18:16

One thing I like about them is I still play with my Action Man.

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I'm a big...

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And I particularly liked the game Action Man, family butcher.

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See, you can use the carton...

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APPLAUSE

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Another thing I like to do,

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is half a walnut, representing roast chicken.

0:18:400:18:44

Look at that.

0:18:480:18:50

They are practical. They are there because, otherwise,

0:18:560:18:59

they'd have to give you... What else are they going to do?

0:18:590:19:01

They're there so that you can make a cup of tea in your hotel room

0:19:010:19:04

without having to go out and milk a cow.

0:19:040:19:07

Otherwise, they'd have to give you a full carton of milk,

0:19:080:19:10

and put it in the fridge. They are serving a purpose.

0:19:100:19:13

Or just have your coffee black?

0:19:130:19:15

They could just... You can get, like, mini pints, can't you?

0:19:150:19:19

Hold it, how can you have a mini pint?

0:19:190:19:20

Well, I don't know, like, what the specific measurement it is,

0:19:230:19:26

-but it's, like, half a pint.

-Smaller than your average pint?

0:19:260:19:29

Yeah, it's like half a pint.

0:19:290:19:30

That is condensed milk, I think you'll find.

0:19:300:19:33

Well, I tell you something,

0:19:400:19:42

I play quite a bit of football, and I find one brilliant thing is,

0:19:420:19:47

if you've run out of studs...

0:19:470:19:48

..they do a great...

0:19:510:19:52

MUSIC: Match Of The Day Theme

0:19:550:19:57

I love that you clapped along.

0:20:040:20:06

Desperate for community singing. They don't want comedy.

0:20:060:20:09

They want another One Bites The Dust with big foam hands.

0:20:110:20:14

So what's upsetting Charlie Brooker?

0:20:150:20:18

-Yeah.

-And this is, this is really the whole...

0:20:220:20:25

..experience.

0:20:260:20:27

The fact that it's necessary is annoying,

0:20:270:20:30

but there's not many experiences in life in which you have to sit in

0:20:300:20:35

a confined space with a stranger,

0:20:350:20:38

and you have to sit there and make small talk with them

0:20:380:20:42

whilst staring at yourself in a mirror...

0:20:420:20:46

and having your own awkwardness amplified as you look at yourself.

0:20:460:20:51

While, sometimes, drinking a cup of coffee that's getting more and more

0:20:510:20:55

full of hair.

0:20:550:20:57

The whole experience is just...

0:20:570:20:59

..I find an absolute torment.

0:21:010:21:03

And I would be far happier if there was a night barbering service,

0:21:030:21:09

that you could book someone who would come round to your house,

0:21:090:21:11

in the dead of night, and cut your hair while you were asleep,

0:21:110:21:14

or while sedated, if they did haircuts on the NHS.

0:21:140:21:18

What about that moment when they hold the mirror

0:21:300:21:33

at the back of your head?

0:21:330:21:35

So you can watch yourself nodding obsequiously from the back.

0:21:350:21:39

You can see what you look like as a liar, from behind.

0:21:390:21:41

Good to know.

0:21:440:21:45

I can't imagine what damage they would do that would make me

0:21:450:21:48

say anything other than, "It's lovely, thanks very much."

0:21:480:21:51

I always thought if I was a barber I'd get one of these.

0:21:540:21:58

And the man who didn't have a bald patch, suddenly...

0:22:030:22:05

HE GASPS

0:22:050:22:06

I wouldn't be able to resist.

0:22:070:22:09

Better still, if you had a man who had a bald patch, and you had that.

0:22:090:22:12

Really build his hopes up.

0:22:140:22:15

Then go, "No!"

0:22:150:22:17

What is the purpose of the mirror?

0:22:170:22:19

Why do you have to have... Why can't I have a TV,

0:22:190:22:21

or something like that instead?

0:22:210:22:23

Why can't I have anything?

0:22:230:22:24

A photograph of a terrible atrocity happening?

0:22:240:22:26

That would be preferable to watching myself.

0:22:260:22:30

It should have an option, in this day and age,

0:22:300:22:32

like when you're on a plane,

0:22:320:22:33

and the in-flight entertainment system nowadays,

0:22:330:22:35

you can be watching a film, then you can just check that you're en route.

0:22:350:22:39

You can see a little map.

0:22:390:22:41

There should be an option, there should just be a button

0:22:410:22:43

you can press that brings up the feed of your haircut

0:22:430:22:46

in front of you, just for the few moments that's necessary.

0:22:460:22:50

Then you could go back to watching whatever war movie is preferable.

0:22:500:22:53

I agree with you there. I don't know if this is just a girl thing,

0:22:540:22:58

but I feel like you almost pay to be insulted.

0:22:580:23:02

They sit down, and they just tell you everything that's wrong

0:23:020:23:04

with your hair, like, you've got split ends,

0:23:040:23:06

and your roots need doing. Your hair's dry, and you need

0:23:060:23:09

a conditioning treatment on it. And I'm like...

0:23:090:23:11

-And they want to cut about that much off.

-Yeah.

-"No, what are you doing?!

0:23:110:23:14

-"This took me ages to grow!"

-I just want the, like, split ends cut off,

0:23:140:23:17

and then you end up coming out with, like, a bowl cut.

0:23:170:23:21

I agree with you, it's awful. I hate going.

0:23:210:23:24

-I agree.

-I swear this is true.

0:23:240:23:26

I went to a barbers in Camden Town, and I said to the bloke, he said,

0:23:260:23:32

"What do you want?" And I said, "I don't...

0:23:320:23:35

"I quite like yours. Something like yours."

0:23:350:23:37

And he said, "Well, I have number two all over."

0:23:370:23:39

Right? I said, "You should try wet wipes."

0:23:390:23:42

APPLAUSE

0:23:430:23:45

That bit I made up. No, don't clap that.

0:23:450:23:47

I made that bit up. He said, "I have number two all over."

0:23:470:23:50

And I said, "Well, I'll have that then." And so he got the...

0:23:500:23:52

And he cut my hair, and I could see my scalp, because it was so short.

0:23:520:23:58

And I said, "This is much shorter than yours."

0:23:580:24:00

He said, "Oh, well, mine's grown out quite a bit."

0:24:000:24:02

I swear!

0:24:040:24:06

I swear that's true.

0:24:070:24:09

Oh, my God.

0:24:090:24:11

Do you always find that, you know, when they give, like,

0:24:130:24:15

head massages as well, I always find that awkward because I'm, like,

0:24:150:24:18

do I close my eyes?

0:24:180:24:20

Do I keep them open and look at them?

0:24:200:24:23

I went somewhere and they started giving me a head massage,

0:24:230:24:25

and I thought, "Which way is this going?

0:24:250:24:27

"Have I walked into the wrong bloody place?"

0:24:290:24:32

This is a bit weird. I've got my head in the sink.

0:24:320:24:34

I don't let them wash it, ever.

0:24:340:24:36

-Do you not?

-You know that sink with the, sort of, that you lean back on?

0:24:360:24:40

-Yeah.

-It feels a bit like sleeping in a urinal.

0:24:400:24:42

Just take my word for that.

0:24:450:24:46

Then you lean back... And I was getting it done once,

0:24:470:24:50

and it occurred to me...

0:24:500:24:51

I just had this image of this woman karate chopping me

0:24:510:24:55

-across the Adam's apple.

-Yeah!

0:24:550:24:57

And once that's crossed your mind, you cannot enjoy it.

0:24:570:25:01

You're very vulnerable in those sinks.

0:25:010:25:03

-I've thought that. It's like Sweeney Todd or something.

-Oh.

0:25:030:25:06

It's the perfect... Oh, toughen up!

0:25:060:25:09

And so, to Pearl.

0:25:110:25:12

Hear me out here, yeah?

0:25:190:25:21

OK, so the thing about swimming goggles that really gets me is

0:25:210:25:25

that you put them on, and you're like, great,

0:25:250:25:27

they're like suctioned onto your eyeballs.

0:25:270:25:29

You're like, "Cool, cool. This feels pretty tight, you know."

0:25:290:25:32

If you're me, you pull them around your massive amounts of hair,

0:25:320:25:35

that the rubber is not going well with.

0:25:350:25:36

And you get in the pool, and you're like, "This is going to be great."

0:25:360:25:39

You're in there, you're swimming around, like,

0:25:390:25:41

"Wow, I can see everything. Oh, my God, I can see that woman's leg,

0:25:410:25:44

"it's so exciting." And then, that little bubble of water

0:25:440:25:47

just comes in, comes into your eye like that, and you're just blind.

0:25:470:25:50

Because the chlorine is actually in your eye and it was open,

0:25:500:25:52

when it shouldn't have been open underwater anyway.

0:25:520:25:55

No. I don't...

0:25:550:25:57

I really have a strong aversion to them.

0:25:570:26:00

They lull you into a false sense of security,

0:26:000:26:02

and then they just get you.

0:26:020:26:03

I don't... I don't get much leakage, though,

0:26:050:26:08

-with the goggles.

-Maybe it's just me.

0:26:080:26:11

I've got quite a large eyebrow to sort of, cheekbone ratio.

0:26:110:26:16

So maybe it's that. Maybe I'm too excited in the water.

0:26:160:26:18

I'm like, "Ah!" Eyes are open really wide or something.

0:26:180:26:21

Maybe you need a welding visor?

0:26:210:26:22

Are you tightening them up properly?

0:26:250:26:26

Because they're very difficult to work. It's very difficult

0:26:260:26:29

to work out how to tighten up a pair of swimming goggles.

0:26:290:26:31

If they're a bit loose, and then you tighten them,

0:26:310:26:34

-you always over judge it.

-Yeah.

0:26:340:26:35

You put them back on and go like that, "That's much better."

0:26:350:26:38

It feels like you've stuck your eyes into the ends of two Hoovers.

0:26:380:26:42

Yeah. That's the thing, you come out, you've been swimming,

0:26:420:26:44

and you're like, "Great, yeah!" You're about to go on a date,

0:26:440:26:47

and literally, you look like your eyes have been sucked out

0:26:470:26:50

of their sockets, but then just sort of popped back on.

0:26:500:26:52

It's like, that's not attractive.

0:26:520:26:54

Are you swimming your way to these dates?

0:26:540:26:56

I have to travel far to get them, trust me.

0:27:000:27:03

Here's some examples of goggles I actually like.

0:27:030:27:06

What about these?

0:27:060:27:07

LAUGHTER

0:27:100:27:12

I would look... These... You might like these, Pearl,

0:27:150:27:19

because I think these retain a certain glamour in the water.

0:27:190:27:22

-Oh, they're nice.

-Ooh!

0:27:250:27:27

That's a bit Dame Edna, isn't it?

0:27:280:27:30

I'm actually trying to flutter them, how can I possibly do that?

0:27:300:27:33

OK, we come to the end of this.

0:27:350:27:37

I...

0:27:370:27:39

I can't put swimming goggles in, Pearl,

0:27:390:27:41

because I can't really swim without them.

0:27:410:27:44

I wouldn't want to deprive you of that.

0:27:440:27:46

I think I'm not going to put haircuts in,

0:27:460:27:48

because I have had some very pleasurable...

0:27:480:27:52

I once had a haircut... I was on tour and I went for a haircut,

0:27:520:27:55

the bloke said, "How do you want it?"

0:27:550:27:56

And there was a poster of me across the road, and I said, "Like that."

0:27:560:28:01

Just for those moments.

0:28:010:28:02

-So...

-That's brilliant.

0:28:040:28:05

I am going to put cartons of UHT milk into Room 101.

0:28:070:28:11

And that brings us to the end of the Show.

0:28:220:28:25

Well done, Pearl, you were this week's winner

0:28:250:28:27

-and our most persuasive guest.

-Yes!

0:28:270:28:29

I should do a dab now.

0:28:330:28:35

Thank you very much to Charlie Brooker, Scarlett Moffatt,

0:28:370:28:41

and Pearl Mackie.

0:28:410:28:43

And thank you, good night.

0:28:430:28:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:450:28:47

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