Episode 1 Room 101

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101.

Now, dumping their dislikes into the dreaded vault tonight are

Gogglebox Scarlett Moffatt,

Brainbox Charlie Brooker,

and Police Box, Pearl Mackie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, shall we kick off?

So what's upsetting Charlie Brooker?

Ah, yeah. This is Anything I Don't Want To Do.

Now, I recognise this is quite a broad one.

-Mm.

-And it's a category that I find has expanded

the older I get, basically. There's a rule,

there's a basic rule of thumb that I think is called Sturgeon's law,

usually applies to film and TV and literature,

that 90% of everything is rubbish, and isn't worth bothering with.

Most places aren't worth going to,

most conversations aren't worth having,

most things aren't worth eating,

most items and objects in the world aren't worth looking at,

or contemplating.

I don't want to go to a forest, or a picnic, or watch your play,

or read a book, because it's not worth doing.

And it really comes into focus at weekends,

and you can't just, apparently, sit around in the house

just staring at a phone all the time, because that's sort of bad.

And the kids know this, as well, because they've discovered iPads

and phones, and everyone would rather be looking at those

all the time, obviously.

But because, out of a sense of duty and guilt,

you end up going to a playground, or on a picnic, or to a bloody museum,

and most things aren't worth bothering with.

OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, thanks for coming.

I would say that, often,

there are things you think you aren't going to enjoy,

and then when you do do them,

you actually find out they're much more pleasurable than you thought.

And I have to say, I've used that line a few times.

What about the theory of deferred gratification,

it's that you do something you don't want to do now

because you'll get the reward at some point in the future?

I'll give you an example. When I take, if I'm wearing a jumper...

-Right...

-..when I take it off,

I always pull the sleeves out the right way again, and I think,

"When I come back to this jumper...

"..set to go."

That's bleak. That is the bleakest thing I've ever heard.

Coming from Charlie Brooker, I take that as an enormous compliment.

Is that...

That's a thing?

That's the first place you go to when I talk about pleasure,

is you think about the thing you do with the arms of your jumper?

I'm talking about thinking ahead to make my life sweeter

at a later date.

Jumper preparation.

I feel like you need a hug.

-Like a proper hug.

-No!

But if you're only enjoying 98...

Well, sorry, 2% of your life...

It's not that... It's not that I'm not enjoying.

It's just that the rest of it probably isn't worth bothering with.

It would have made no difference to my quality of life if 98% of things

hadn't happened.

How do you decide on the 2%, though?

Er, there's probably...

There's probably a couple of desserts I've had I've liked.

Probably the birth of my children.

OK, that's a good one to put in there, yeah, yeah.

I'd probably put that somewhere in there.

I tell you what I would... I agree with you that I don't think

we should do things because other people think we should do them.

I'd agree with that.

I mean, take this picture of a lovely beach holiday.

LAUGHTER

-God, I respect that Goth.

-I love that.

That's brilliant. She's just like, "No, no, I don't do bikinis.

-"I'm not having it."

-Can you imagine it?

And the money she's saved on suntan lotion, fantastic.

What about this painter and decorator who didn't want

to move some boxes?

LAUGHTER

You see what your attitude does to the world, Charlie?

That's more interesting than a plain wall, though, isn't it?

That's an admirable spirit.

Well, the idea of doing what you don't want to do,

we've got an example here of a dad trying to persuade his child to do

something they don't want to do.

And it shows, with a bit of clever thought,

it's amazing what you can achieve.

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

LAUGHTER

I like that.

I just think you're liable... If you don't do things

you don't want to do, you're liable to not make fabulous discoveries.

Like, I recently went camping...

-Ugh...

-..and they asked me to...

-Oh, I know, yeah.

-Come on!

-That's a bad one to pick.

-That's not it, that's not my...

And they asked me to build a bonfire, and I thought...

"I really don't want to build a bonfire."

I built a bonfire, I loved it.

I stared at that bonfire for an hour and a half.

If I had the choice between Netflix and a bonfire,

I would rather have a bonfire.

And I would not have discovered that if I'd adopted your attitude of,

"No, I don't want to do that so I'm not going to do it."

Speaking of which, I've got a show on Netflix, so up yours!

Yeah, believe me, I've got several shows on the bonfire.

OK, and so to Scarlett.

-Crocs.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I hate Crocs.

-They're awful.

Awful. Look at them.

That makes my heart angry, just looking at that illustration.

Awful. Like, I don't understand, like,

who sat down, and thought, "Right, we want a waterproof shoe,

"so what we'll do is put holes in it"?

Like, it makes no sense at all, and, like, no-one's ever, like,

bought an outfit, and went, "I know what'll just set these off nice,

-"a pair of Crocs."

-Well...

-Who's done that?

And they've brought, like, nice designer types out.

They're still Crocs. It doesn't matter if you stick jewels on them,

make them fancy colours, prints, look at that design!

-I think it's...

-Why are they so wide?

-Yeah, why are they so wide?

Whose foot is that wide?

No, I'm with you, I totally...

That's what... I love their width,

because when I've been wearing them a couple of hours,

my feet start to settle.

Oh...

Honestly, I take them off,

and none of my toes are touching each other any more.

I can comb, I can actually comb with my foot.

Like, what outfit would you wear with your Crocs?

Well, I'll tell you something now, I do the bins in the Crocs.

-Yeah.

-And I mow the lawn.

-What if you get bin juice

-on your foot, though?

-Yeah.

-There's holes in them.

-I'm prepared to live with that.

-I couldn't deal with that.

And I mow the lawn, I do the garden, so I don't go that far.

I would say that my Wi-Fi extends further than my Croc usage.

So even you know how ugly they are,

because you wouldn't go out in public with them.

No, because of people like you making it a stigma!

I'm wearing Crocs now.

No, you're not!

-I am! You can see how long I've been wearing this pair.

-Oh, no, don't.

LAUGHTER

I will...

I will trim these, eventually.

But, no, I think they're very, very...

I can really relax in them.

Let's say I'm at a barbecue, par example.

And I always think there's not enough roughage at a barbecue,

so I serve Brussels sprouts.

Here they are.

Just boiled. And what I do, there's no strainer, ever, so I...

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ..slip the Croc off.

Oh, wow!

And then I can...

I can offer these round.

I just grab the slingback, and say, "Jeff, would you like a sprout?"

And we're in business.

Come with me.

-Good idea?

-I mean, do you take it off your foot

to then strain with it?

-Yeah.

-OK. That is what I was scared of, yeah.

Does that affect the flavour?

Well, I wear socks with them.

-Oh, no.

-What?

-Well, what's the point of wearing them,

if you're going to wear socks?

Then you're not even getting the air around your feet.

Oh, well, let me show you.

What... These are the socks I wear them with.

And...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

People don't even know I'm wearing them, it's amazing.

Also, you know, I like to cook at home.

One thing that annoys me is when you get a beef patty.

Whereas, I like proper minced beef. The scent of minced beef.

So what I do...

..I... I take off a Croc.

AUDIENCE GROANS

-I...

-Oh, God.

I load it.

Oh, no, I can't bear it.

This is like a sick Channel 4 documentary.

I need a plunger.

THEY GROAN

No, that's worse than I thought it was going to be.

APPLAUSE

Look at that!

You have showed me every other use of a Croc,

other than actually its job, which is being a stylish shoe.

You don't want to be able to strain

your Brussels in your sandals, do you?

You don't.

OK, so what is winding up Pearl?

Yeah! Yeah!

I hate mosquitoes.

They serve, like, absolutely no purpose, apart from to bite you,

and just make you feel massively uncomfortable.

It's like...

Why are they there? Why do they exist?

All they do is bite your skin, suck your blood a tiny bit,

tiny bit, just enough to make you, like,

completely uncomfortable for the rest of the evening.

Do you know what I mean? And also, malaria, that's pretty rude.

I'm not really down with that.

And they only, have you noticed, they only have...

-That little sound they make...

-SHE MAKES HIGH-PITCHED SOUND

That little sound, they only make that, after they've

already bitten you.

-Did you know that?

-Is that true?

-I discovered that recently.

Yes, it is. Yeah, and that's like, not only have you bitten me, yeah?

But then it's like you're insulting me.

You're adding insult to injury, you're then going...

"Bitten you!"

-That's not OK.

-Is that genuinely true?

Yeah, it's the blood vibrating inside them.

-Is it?

-Wow, that's amazing.

That's like after you drink a cup of tea and you go, "Ah!"

-Yeah, exactly!

-Next time I'll just go, "Yeah, I hope it chokes you!"

But they can bite you as many times as they want, can't they?

It's not like bees, sting you once and they're dead,

and you're, like, "Oh, honourable, you know.

"I appreciate what you've done."

You know, you wouldn't have done it if you didn't mean to.

Mosquitoes are there just like, "Om, nom, nom, nom, nom."

Well, I've got to say, you're in very good company,

because here's someone else who doesn't like mosquitoes.

The Democrats...

Oh, it was a mosquito.

I don't want mosquitoes around me.

I don't like mosquitoes!

I don't like those mosquitoes, I never did.

OK. Speaking of mosquitoes...

..hello, Hillary, how are you doing?

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

-What I like about that, "I don't like mosquitoes, I never did,"

as if there was a time when they were quite popular.

I think it's really rude as well that they only bite certain people.

Like, what's that about? I was at my friend's house the other day,

on her balcony, I'd been out there for about five minutes,

and I had about seven mosquito bites on me already.

And I said to Emma, I was like, "Emma, do you have any, like,

"mosquito bite cream?"

"Anything like that?" And she's like, "Oh, no, no, sorry,

"they don't really affect me. They don't really bite me."

And I'm, like, "What?!"

Why have they just munched me?

And, like, both my other friends are completely fine.

Feel privileged that you're the chosen one.

But I'd rather not be, though, do you know what I mean?

It's good to feel wanted.

-Yeah.

-I hate to tell you this, Pearl, but one study

showed people...

..whose hygiene was not quite...

LAUGHTER

Basically, sweatier people get bitten more often.

I am quite a sweaty person.

-Maybe that's it.

-Oh, well, there you go. They like a bit of seasoning.

I can't change that, though. What do I do about that?

Wear Crocs, they're very...

Let the air blow through you.

OK, we come to the end of that round.

Now then, I...

I don't feel I can put Crocs in. I think...

I wear them, and that would seem hypocritical.

I think there's a bit of snobbery about Crocs.

I think people with wide feet, really, it's changed my life.

You wear your fancy stilettos, but when you get to a certain age,

you need that space.

I thought about putting in things I don't want to do.

But I don't want to.

So I'm going to put mosquitoes into Room 101.

Yes! Yes!

Get them in there. Get in! Get in!

What's upsetting Scarlett?

Right, Little Cartons Of UHT milk, now...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Like, what is it?

Someone once told us that it was evaporated milk, so how is it there?

And, like, it never has a sell-by date on.

-No.

-It never says cow's milk.

So I don't know what...

..it's come from. It could be any animal.

And, just, they're always the size of thimbles.

Like, who has that much milk in their tea?

Just make them a bit bigger.

If you're going to go through all the hassle of making a

tab that you can't open, that you've got to struggle with,

so half of it spills out, make it bigger.

So, how many would you use in a cup of tea?

-About eight.

-No?

-Genuinely.

You would use eight?

Because they're that big.

I know, but sometimes I'll just make the tea black,

and I'll drink it with UHT chasers.

Straight down.

Milk's a natural thing, isn't it? That's why it goes off.

It shouldn't last years.

Do you know what I mean? It shouldn't.

-But that's progress, isn't it?

-No.

The life expectancy of human beings have increased, why not milk?

I just don't... Like, they never have sell-by dates. It's dangerous.

Well, it can't be that... Surely they wouldn't...

The Government would...

Stamp down on this, surely, if it was deadly?

What does it even stand for?

It sounds like something you need a course of antibiotics.

UHT. "Oh, I'll have some UHT."

-It sounds...

-"I wouldn't want to catch UHT, lasts for ages."

Yeah, exactly.

And I just don't want to be drinking something that sounds like that.

Do you go to the tanning salon, ever?

What's a tanning salon? Like a spray tan?

No, when you go, and you lie on a sunbed.

Oh, no, I don't do that, I just fake it.

I find they make a fabulous pair of...

That's brilliant.

That is brilliant.

Not only that, but it's not the only sensitive area on your body,

obviously, so I also wear...

They call me Pot Noodle at the tanning salon.

I quite like the novelty of opening them.

You just need to get out more.

It means you're not at home, doesn't it? It's a little treat.

Think of it as fun-sized milk.

One thing I like about them is I still play with my Action Man.

I'm a big...

And I particularly liked the game Action Man, family butcher.

See, you can use the carton...

APPLAUSE

Another thing I like to do,

is half a walnut, representing roast chicken.

Look at that.

They are practical. They are there because, otherwise,

they'd have to give you... What else are they going to do?

They're there so that you can make a cup of tea in your hotel room

without having to go out and milk a cow.

Otherwise, they'd have to give you a full carton of milk,

and put it in the fridge. They are serving a purpose.

Or just have your coffee black?

They could just... You can get, like, mini pints, can't you?

Hold it, how can you have a mini pint?

Well, I don't know, like, what the specific measurement it is,

-but it's, like, half a pint.

-Smaller than your average pint?

Yeah, it's like half a pint.

That is condensed milk, I think you'll find.

Well, I tell you something,

I play quite a bit of football, and I find one brilliant thing is,

if you've run out of studs...

..they do a great...

MUSIC: Match Of The Day Theme

I love that you clapped along.

Desperate for community singing. They don't want comedy.

They want another One Bites The Dust with big foam hands.

So what's upsetting Charlie Brooker?

-Yeah.

-And this is, this is really the whole...

..experience.

The fact that it's necessary is annoying,

but there's not many experiences in life in which you have to sit in

a confined space with a stranger,

and you have to sit there and make small talk with them

whilst staring at yourself in a mirror...

and having your own awkwardness amplified as you look at yourself.

While, sometimes, drinking a cup of coffee that's getting more and more

full of hair.

The whole experience is just...

..I find an absolute torment.

And I would be far happier if there was a night barbering service,

that you could book someone who would come round to your house,

in the dead of night, and cut your hair while you were asleep,

or while sedated, if they did haircuts on the NHS.

What about that moment when they hold the mirror

at the back of your head?

So you can watch yourself nodding obsequiously from the back.

You can see what you look like as a liar, from behind.

Good to know.

I can't imagine what damage they would do that would make me

say anything other than, "It's lovely, thanks very much."

I always thought if I was a barber I'd get one of these.

And the man who didn't have a bald patch, suddenly...

HE GASPS

I wouldn't be able to resist.

Better still, if you had a man who had a bald patch, and you had that.

Really build his hopes up.

Then go, "No!"

What is the purpose of the mirror?

Why do you have to have... Why can't I have a TV,

or something like that instead?

Why can't I have anything?

A photograph of a terrible atrocity happening?

That would be preferable to watching myself.

It should have an option, in this day and age,

like when you're on a plane,

and the in-flight entertainment system nowadays,

you can be watching a film, then you can just check that you're en route.

You can see a little map.

There should be an option, there should just be a button

you can press that brings up the feed of your haircut

in front of you, just for the few moments that's necessary.

Then you could go back to watching whatever war movie is preferable.

I agree with you there. I don't know if this is just a girl thing,

but I feel like you almost pay to be insulted.

They sit down, and they just tell you everything that's wrong

with your hair, like, you've got split ends,

and your roots need doing. Your hair's dry, and you need

a conditioning treatment on it. And I'm like...

-And they want to cut about that much off.

-Yeah.

-"No, what are you doing?!

-"This took me ages to grow!"

-I just want the, like, split ends cut off,

and then you end up coming out with, like, a bowl cut.

I agree with you, it's awful. I hate going.

-I agree.

-I swear this is true.

I went to a barbers in Camden Town, and I said to the bloke, he said,

"What do you want?" And I said, "I don't...

"I quite like yours. Something like yours."

And he said, "Well, I have number two all over."

Right? I said, "You should try wet wipes."

APPLAUSE

That bit I made up. No, don't clap that.

I made that bit up. He said, "I have number two all over."

And I said, "Well, I'll have that then." And so he got the...

And he cut my hair, and I could see my scalp, because it was so short.

And I said, "This is much shorter than yours."

He said, "Oh, well, mine's grown out quite a bit."

I swear!

I swear that's true.

Oh, my God.

Do you always find that, you know, when they give, like,

head massages as well, I always find that awkward because I'm, like,

do I close my eyes?

Do I keep them open and look at them?

I went somewhere and they started giving me a head massage,

and I thought, "Which way is this going?

"Have I walked into the wrong bloody place?"

This is a bit weird. I've got my head in the sink.

I don't let them wash it, ever.

-Do you not?

-You know that sink with the, sort of, that you lean back on?

-Yeah.

-It feels a bit like sleeping in a urinal.

Just take my word for that.

Then you lean back... And I was getting it done once,

and it occurred to me...

I just had this image of this woman karate chopping me

-across the Adam's apple.

-Yeah!

And once that's crossed your mind, you cannot enjoy it.

You're very vulnerable in those sinks.

-I've thought that. It's like Sweeney Todd or something.

-Oh.

It's the perfect... Oh, toughen up!

And so, to Pearl.

Hear me out here, yeah?

OK, so the thing about swimming goggles that really gets me is

that you put them on, and you're like, great,

they're like suctioned onto your eyeballs.

You're like, "Cool, cool. This feels pretty tight, you know."

If you're me, you pull them around your massive amounts of hair,

that the rubber is not going well with.

And you get in the pool, and you're like, "This is going to be great."

You're in there, you're swimming around, like,

"Wow, I can see everything. Oh, my God, I can see that woman's leg,

"it's so exciting." And then, that little bubble of water

just comes in, comes into your eye like that, and you're just blind.

Because the chlorine is actually in your eye and it was open,

when it shouldn't have been open underwater anyway.

No. I don't...

I really have a strong aversion to them.

They lull you into a false sense of security,

and then they just get you.

I don't... I don't get much leakage, though,

-with the goggles.

-Maybe it's just me.

I've got quite a large eyebrow to sort of, cheekbone ratio.

So maybe it's that. Maybe I'm too excited in the water.

I'm like, "Ah!" Eyes are open really wide or something.

Maybe you need a welding visor?

Are you tightening them up properly?

Because they're very difficult to work. It's very difficult

to work out how to tighten up a pair of swimming goggles.

If they're a bit loose, and then you tighten them,

-you always over judge it.

-Yeah.

You put them back on and go like that, "That's much better."

It feels like you've stuck your eyes into the ends of two Hoovers.

Yeah. That's the thing, you come out, you've been swimming,

and you're like, "Great, yeah!" You're about to go on a date,

and literally, you look like your eyes have been sucked out

of their sockets, but then just sort of popped back on.

It's like, that's not attractive.

Are you swimming your way to these dates?

I have to travel far to get them, trust me.

Here's some examples of goggles I actually like.

What about these?

LAUGHTER

I would look... These... You might like these, Pearl,

because I think these retain a certain glamour in the water.

-Oh, they're nice.

-Ooh!

That's a bit Dame Edna, isn't it?

I'm actually trying to flutter them, how can I possibly do that?

OK, we come to the end of this.

I...

I can't put swimming goggles in, Pearl,

because I can't really swim without them.

I wouldn't want to deprive you of that.

I think I'm not going to put haircuts in,

because I have had some very pleasurable...

I once had a haircut... I was on tour and I went for a haircut,

the bloke said, "How do you want it?"

And there was a poster of me across the road, and I said, "Like that."

Just for those moments.

-So...

-That's brilliant.

I am going to put cartons of UHT milk into Room 101.

And that brings us to the end of the Show.

Well done, Pearl, you were this week's winner

-and our most persuasive guest.

-Yes!

I should do a dab now.

Thank you very much to Charlie Brooker, Scarlett Moffatt,

and Pearl Mackie.

And thank you, good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE