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This programme contains some strong language. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:11 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
Hello, and welcome to Good News. So, what have we learned this week? | 0:00:29 | 0:00:33 | |
We've learned what Bill Turnbull says during sex. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
I'm the daddy now. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
I don't know about you, but I think Anne Widdecombe's been flashing. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
I don't think I've seen such a dirty engine room for many a year. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:47 | |
And this is undoubtedly the best mug shot ever. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:53 | |
We have new details about the man police say is responsible for a crime spree. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:57 | |
A grand jury has indicted Mark Siebenmorgen on several charges... | 0:00:57 | 0:01:01 | |
So the big religious news of the week came from the Pope. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:11 | |
For the first time the Pope has suggested that the use of condoms | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
might not always be wrong. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:15 | |
To be honest, judging by his choice of furniture, we should've seen this coming. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:20 | |
"I like my chairs ribbed for extra comfort." | 0:01:23 | 0:01:28 | |
He said that condoms can only be used in exceptional circumstances. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:33 | |
I'm guessing he doesn't mean this. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
What does "exceptional circumstance" even mean? | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
You can only use a condom | 0:01:41 | 0:01:42 | |
if you're rubbing yoghurt on your nipples dressed as a puffin? | 0:01:42 | 0:01:46 | |
It's not as if people use condoms in ordinary circumstances. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:50 | |
I've never gone, "Shit, I'm going to miss that bus! I'd better rubber up!" | 0:01:50 | 0:01:54 | |
Just chasing after a double decker with a semi. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:58 | |
What are these exceptional circumstances? | 0:02:00 | 0:02:03 | |
Pope Benedict says in a new book the use of condoms | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
can be justified in some cases, such as for male prostitutes. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:10 | |
Male prostitutes?! | 0:02:10 | 0:02:11 | |
Sounds like someone at the Vatican has got a new special advisor. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:16 | |
"His name is Cardinal Disco and you must obey him." | 0:02:22 | 0:02:26 | |
We shouldn't be surprised. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
Have you seen what the Pope wears under his robes? | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
I'd love it if the Pope brought out his own condoms. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:38 | |
Can you imagine the advert? | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
Want to go for 40 days and 40 nights? | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
You won't Adam and Eve our new Pope condom. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
When she's on her knees, | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
pray you've got one of these. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
Papal condoms - take your lover to Heaven and back. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
The other big news was, of course, this. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
Prince William and Kate Middleton | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
will be married on Friday 29th April at Westminster Abbey. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
People in their home town are royally pleased. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
-I think it's fantastic. -It's really lovely. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
It's maybe just the bit of good news we need just now to cheer us up. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
-Are you excited about the wedding? -Absolutely not. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
You've got to love the Queen's reaction. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
The Queen said she's absolutely delighted. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
She ordered 300 bottles of vintage champagne. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
"Let's get wankered!" | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
How much would you love to see the Queen pissed? | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
"Hello! | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
"I own all the swans in England. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
"Let's have a sing song." | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
(RAPS) "I wanna stop, collaborate and listen | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
"Ice is back with a brand new invention | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
"Something grabs a hold of me tightly | 0:03:52 | 0:03:53 | |
"Pull like a hawk come daily and nightly | 0:03:53 | 0:03:55 | |
"Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
"Turn on the flow, and I'll go to the extreme | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
"I wanna rap like a vandal | 0:03:59 | 0:04:00 | |
"Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
"Dance, when you're feeling dope melody | 0:04:03 | 0:04:04 | |
"Anything less than the best is a felony | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
"If you got a problem, yo, I'll solve it | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
"Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
"Ice! | 0:04:10 | 0:04:11 | |
"Philip, I think I'm ready for bed! | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
"Take me to bed, Philip!" | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
I really got carried away there. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
The media went haywire. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
They even asked Danny Dyer what he'd get them for a wedding gift. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:44 | |
I'd like to see them eating pie and mash. The King, you know? | 0:04:44 | 0:04:48 | |
Or some jellied eels. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
I'd force him to eat 'em in front of me. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
"Eat the eels, you slag, or I'll cut ya!" | 0:04:54 | 0:04:59 | |
Did you see the way it was reported in Taiwan? | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
Look out for what they put on Harry's arm | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
and what they reckon Prince Philip will do at the wedding. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
IN TRANSLATION: | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
You've got to love the way they do news. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
"Royal wedding? Let's make Harry a Nazi and Philip a pervert." | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
One of the bizarre bits of trivia, apparently Kate had fancied Wills for ages. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:42 | |
Her crush had begun much earlier. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
On the wall of her boarding school dormitory, | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
a teenage Kate had pinned a poster | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
of the boy prince who would one day become her husband. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:53 | |
Psycho! | 0:05:53 | 0:05:54 | |
If you married the person you had on the wall when you were little, | 0:05:54 | 0:05:58 | |
I'd be banging these two. | 0:05:58 | 0:05:59 | |
And I don't ever want to think about, "To me," "To you," | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
"Stop it! Let me go." | 0:06:07 | 0:06:12 | |
"Go on, Barry, do him." | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
For me, the best part of the wedding day will be when Harry does a speech. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:20 | |
He is guaranteed to get pissed and put his foot in it. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:24 | |
I will never forget Granddad's response when Wills said he was marrying Kate. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:29 | |
Remember what you said, Granddad? | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
"A fucking Muggle?!" | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
You know, we are like the Mafia, cross us, you'll wake up with a horse's head in your bed. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:40 | |
Mind you, Dad doesn't mind. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
Come on, everyone, it's a joke! | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
Next up, meet Stuart Ross. He's only got one dream - he wants to fly. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:56 | |
Seeing the jet pack at the beginning of the 1984 Olympics | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
is an image that stuck with me. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
To build a jet pack, | 0:07:01 | 0:07:02 | |
or to operate a jet pack, | 0:07:02 | 0:07:04 | |
to fly a jet pack, is just my dream. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
It flies a bit like a Harrier jump jet... | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
..with vector thrust and so on. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
Vector thrust, wow! | 0:07:13 | 0:07:14 | |
Let's see this baby in action. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:16 | |
Incredible! | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
This bloke is so deluded. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
-Stuart, how was that for you? -We got a few inches off the ground, | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
but what we plan on doing is getting higher and higher and higher and higher. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:43 | |
Higher and higher and higher and higher. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
I've beaten you already, mate. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
He's like a nutter on Dragons' Den. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
"Hello, Dragons. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
"I made a sat nav for bumble bees. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
"The colours!" | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
Now, talking of sat navs, did you hear the great news about Brian Blessed? | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
Fantastic. A sat nav voiced by this guy. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
Gordon's alive? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
BRIAN MUMBLES AND SHRIEKS | 0:08:15 | 0:08:19 | |
It's such a great idea. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
Mind you, you wouldn't want to go the wrong way. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
Tosser! | 0:08:26 | 0:08:27 | |
Have you seen what he does when you reach your destination? | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
When people arrive at their destination, I do the Tarzan. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:37 | |
-Tarzan? -Yeah. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
MIMICS TARZAN'S CALL | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
I'm getting one of these! | 0:08:42 | 0:08:43 | |
I also want a Brian Blessed car horn. Wouldn't that be great? | 0:08:43 | 0:08:47 | |
"Out of the way, dickhead!" | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
We should clone him so that every house has its own mini Brian. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:53 | |
You'd never get burgled. Imagine that. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
"I'm going to burgle..." "Fuck off!" | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
I love him. But then, how can you not love a man that describes a Palm Pilot like this. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:04 | |
Palm Pilot? | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
Sounds like a wanking machine. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
Check out what this guy's spent his life inventing. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:16 | |
His name, Doug Heinz, and he's making Roxxxy, | 0:09:16 | 0:09:20 | |
which he hopes to be the world's first sex robot. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
Sex robot?! Who wants to shag a machine?! | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
I've never looked at a microwave and gone, "If only she had tits." | 0:09:27 | 0:09:32 | |
Mind you, at least you'd know when she'd had an orgasm. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
PING! | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
Enjoy that, babe? | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
Maybe I'm being naive. I shouldn't judge before I've seen this robot beauty. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:48 | |
This is Roxxxy's face, which is our model face. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:52 | |
As you can see, the beauty that she has is quite striking. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:58 | |
Striking?! Who finds that beautiful? | 0:09:58 | 0:10:02 | |
What do you look for in a woman? | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
"I like them decapitated. | 0:10:04 | 0:10:08 | |
"And on a wooden desk". | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
Call me picky, but as my dear old man would say, | 0:10:11 | 0:10:15 | |
"If you're going to buy a robot sex doll, make sure it's got a growler." | 0:10:15 | 0:10:21 | |
Luckily, there's another fox in town... | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
This is Roxxxy II. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
What the hell is that? | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
You can make her look like anyone in the world and you'd go for a melting Anne Robinson?! | 0:10:34 | 0:10:40 | |
I tell you what, though, maybe I'm judging. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
If that's your thing, look what else Roxxxy can do. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
Her pelvic area thrusts when she's being intimate. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:54 | |
We also have a very large tongue, which I'll show you in a moment. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
It's very erotic. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:58 | |
This is the future. This is so cool. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:02 | |
Did you hear him at the end? | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
He's holding the tongue, going, "That's the future." | 0:11:04 | 0:11:07 | |
I thought it would be hoverboards, | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
not getting a blowie off an android with a tongue like a cow. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
What I want to know, what kind of creepy weirdo would buy a sex robot? | 0:11:14 | 0:11:19 | |
Now for something altogether more artistic. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
In Poland's Silesian province, | 0:11:32 | 0:11:36 | |
something may be about to shake up the world of art. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
Maceba the horse has learned how to paint. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
No, she hasn't. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
A mad woman has just stuffed a brush in her mouth. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
All that horse wants to paint is, "Please get me out of here! | 0:11:47 | 0:11:52 | |
"I'd rather be Pritt Stick than this!" | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
A painting horse - I tell you what, how pissed off would you be if you're a jockey? | 0:11:55 | 0:11:59 | |
"Come on! We're nearly at the end of the race..." | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
"Don't move, the light is perfect. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
"I must paint you, little man, for I am an artist." | 0:12:06 | 0:12:11 | |
It's ridiculous. They even got someone to review it. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
TRANSLATION: It's art of expression. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
Very...interesting. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
Very shit. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:22 | |
It looks like someone's stamped on Morph. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
If you think her painting's bad you should see her try and write a novel. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:30 | |
I tell you what, some incredible tales from the world of retail this week. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:45 | |
Did you hear about this special promotion? | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
An Israeli electronic store has been bleating | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
about a novel and pretty unusual way of drawing spenders in. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:54 | |
Coupons? A loyalty card? | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
Buy a TV or another device here, and you'll get a brand new sheep thrown in with it. | 0:12:56 | 0:13:02 | |
I bet there's a load of perverts in Wales going, "Oh! Excited!" | 0:13:03 | 0:13:10 | |
Free sheep?! I bet the customers were furious. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:16 | |
TRANSLATION: I got a sheep. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:17 | |
I bought a fridge for a very good price, and got a sheep. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
I won't miss such an opportunity. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:22 | |
How excited is he?! I bet he gets home, | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
"Yasmeena! We have a fridge for cold food! | 0:13:26 | 0:13:30 | |
"And lady sheep for free milk! | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
"Mmm! Glorious milk, Yasmeena!" | 0:13:32 | 0:13:37 | |
"Farouk, | 0:13:37 | 0:13:38 | |
"that is no lady." | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
So, could it get any weirder? Yes, it can. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
Check out these new toys. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
The German toy maker, and they make toys there, | 0:13:54 | 0:13:56 | |
has created a new line of stuffed animals with psychiatric disorders. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
For 38 bucks, you can own a mentally-ill toy, | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
complete with medical history, a referral letter and a treatment plan. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:06 | |
Among them, | 0:14:06 | 0:14:07 | |
Doug the turtle, who suffers from severe depression. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
Dolly the sheep, she's got multiple personality disorder. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
And of course there's Croco, | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
a crocodile with an irrational fear of water. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:17 | |
Shocking, isn't it? I can't believe that they missed Bi-Polar Bear. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:23 | |
Mind you, this has nothing on this next story. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:32 | |
Why? It's nearly Christmas. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
You give me one good reason... | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
How offensive could they get?! | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
What was their slogan? | 0:14:58 | 0:14:59 | |
"Transformers, robots in permanent care". | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
It's unbelievable how thick they can be. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
Apparently they've also halted production of Optimus Nonce and ClungeKnob SquarePants. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:12 | |
It's so shocking. I can't believe they were going to call a Transformer Spastic. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:18 | |
Imagine Santa getting that call. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
"You want a what for Christmas?! | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
"Sorry, sorry, mate, it's a bit of a bad line. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
"Surely ALL the Transformers are plastic? | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
"What?!" | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
Luckily, it's all fine now. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:33 | |
Apparently they're going to rename him Scope. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
I tell you what, it's not just Transformers behaving badly. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
Look where Buzz Lightyear's put his straw. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:44 | |
Now, have you heard the latest botanical revelation? | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
A new study has found that if you talk to your plant, | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
it's more likely to thrive if you have a Scouse accent. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
Yeah, you heard right. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
Plants grow more if you talk to them in a Scouse accent. How did they find this out? | 0:16:02 | 0:16:07 | |
Was there a gardener trying different accents? | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
-POSH ACCENT: -Come on, Mr Plant! | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
-IRISH ACCENT: -Ah, come on, would you grow for Daddy, just a little bit? | 0:16:12 | 0:16:16 | |
-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: -Seriously, mate, I need you to grow. Please? | 0:16:17 | 0:16:22 | |
-INDIAN ACCENT: -Please will you grow for me? | 0:16:24 | 0:16:27 | |
That doesn't work. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:30 | |
-LIVERPOOL ACCENT: -Seriously, mate, just fucking grow, would you, just a little bit for da...? Ooh! | 0:16:30 | 0:16:36 | |
Poor Scousers. It must be like being a really crap superhero. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:40 | |
"I can travel through time!" | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
"That's nothing, mate. I can make daffodils big." | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
It's ridiculous. This report is a farce. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
You won't be surprised to hear | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
that these findings are not based on scientific research. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:55 | |
Really(?) | 0:16:55 | 0:16:56 | |
Of course it's not based on science. They gave the plants names. | 0:16:56 | 0:17:00 | |
This is Bernard, a house plant. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
Bernard doesn't have a Scouse accent. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
At least, he didn't when we filmed him this afternoon. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:08 | |
Wouldn't it be great if the plant went, "Bitch, get that mic out of my face!" | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
I tell you what though, if the Scouse accent does make plants grow, | 0:17:14 | 0:17:18 | |
we should use them for the good of mankind. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
Drought... | 0:17:20 | 0:17:22 | |
crop failure... | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
Just £5 a month can provide an African village with its very own Scouser. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
-As they say themselves, famine... -My arse! | 0:17:31 | 0:17:36 | |
From Liverpool to America, and the unhealthiest restaurant in the world. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:50 | |
A restaurant in Chandler, Arizona, is attracting new customers | 0:17:50 | 0:17:54 | |
by promising death and disease to its patrons. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:57 | |
Here, there are no healthy choices. | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
This is the Heart Attack Grill. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
AMBULANCE SIREN BLARES | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
Look at that food. Greasy, disgusting, wrong. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:13 | |
But at the same time, strangely irresistible. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:18 | |
Much like this guy. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:19 | |
I can't believe it's called the Heart Attack Grill. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
How honest is that? That's like calling a brothel The Next Day Itch. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
You should meet the restaurant owner. He's an absolute cowboy. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:35 | |
I run perhaps the only honest restaurant in America. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:39 | |
Hey, this is bad for you, and it's going to kill you. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:43 | |
You dress like a doctor, but are you a doctor? | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
To be honest, the American Medical Association does not recognise me. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:50 | |
Damn right they don't. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
Let me check your vitals here, Bill. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
I think my heart's on that side. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:01 | |
He doesn't care. This is an actual advert that he's put on telly to promote his own business. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:08 | |
The Heart Attack Grill diet is not for everyone. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:12 | |
Side effects may include sudden weight gain, repeated increase of wardrobe size, | 0:19:12 | 0:19:17 | |
back pain, male breast growth, loss of sexual partners, lung cancer, | 0:19:17 | 0:19:22 | |
tooth decay, liver sclerosis, stroke, and an inability to see your penis. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:27 | |
Mmm! | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:39 | |
There's a mystery guest who's been in the news. I have to figure out who that is. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:43 | |
Please welcome my mystery guest. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:44 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
Pleasure to meet you, sir. My name's Russell, what's your name? | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
Good evening, Russell. My name's Dickie Borthwick. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:01 | |
Dickie Borthwick? It's a great name. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
-Scottish. -You're Scottish? -Yeah. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
OK. I'm guessing it's something to do with football? | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
-You could be right there. -I could be right. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:14 | |
Are these boots that you've worn? | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
I've not actually worn those boots, but I've worn similar boots in the past. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
Right. Did you used to be a professional footballer? | 0:20:19 | 0:20:22 | |
No. I would have liked to have been. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:23 | |
Who wouldn't, man? Do you still play now? | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
Actually, I DO still play. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
Do you really? Wow. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:29 | |
OK, are you, like, the oldest footballer in Britain? | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
You're right. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
Is that right? Fantastic. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:37 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
How old are you? Do you mind if I ask? | 0:20:43 | 0:20:46 | |
I'll ask in a kinder way. Do you remember the films of Gregory Peck? | 0:20:46 | 0:20:50 | |
-Yes. -So you're about 70? | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
-A little bit more. -Bit more? | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
Wow, and you're still playing? 75? | 0:20:55 | 0:20:56 | |
-You're correct. -Wow, congratulations. You're still playing. What position? | 0:20:56 | 0:21:01 | |
-It's known as left midfield. -I know left midfield, yeah. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
-That's where I play. -Really? -Yeah, I'm a lot like Pires. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:07 | |
What I do... | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
Yeah, I drift. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
-Really? -Have you got a ball? | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
-It so happens... -Have we really? | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
It's not one of the modern balls. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
-It's the type we used to play with when I was sort of 16, 18. -OK. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:23 | |
Let's have a kick around. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
-Why not? -You're up for that? Cheers, that would be sweet. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:29 | |
I'm going to do some tricks! | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
Ooh, that's right! | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
This is great. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
Shall we go over here? Shall we do keepy-ups? You up for that? | 0:21:40 | 0:21:44 | |
-Not keepy-ups, but... -No? OK. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
Let's have a kick around. What a great job this is I have. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:54 | |
-Go on, nice. -Yeah, yeah. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
Do you know what this feels like? | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
This feels like Field Of Dreams. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
I've met my future self. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
On yer 'ed. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
Come on, sunshine, let's have a quick word. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:22:22 | 0:22:23 | |
How's the game changed in all those years? | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
It's changed dramatically. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
The game is so much faster. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
Did you have WAGs when you started? | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
Yeah, I've had my followers. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:42 | |
You've had your followers? | 0:22:42 | 0:22:44 | |
You'd get a card now and again through the letterbox. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:49 | |
"Congratulations, Dick, on scoring." | 0:22:49 | 0:22:54 | |
-Your name is Dick, isn't it? -It is. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:56 | |
Otherwise, that's a very different card. | 0:22:56 | 0:23:00 | |
Do you reckon you'll ever give up? Why? It's fantastic. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
Personally, I've got a few more years left in me yet. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
-Of course you have. -I play for a team called Wyke Regis Veterans. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:12 | |
We've been going for about 40 years now, I've been associated with them for 40 years. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:16 | |
Had a game Sunday, down at Weymouth. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:20 | |
-Won 5-2. -Get in. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:22 | |
They allowed me to take the penalty. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
-Straight down the middle, like a rocket. -Fantastic. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:29 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
They're lovely, aren't they? | 0:23:34 | 0:23:35 | |
-You didn't celebrate that at all? -I came out and shook hands. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:41 | |
That's the way it used to be. None of this kissing and hugging. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:46 | |
You're going to hate me, do you know what I used to do when I was 12? | 0:23:46 | 0:23:50 | |
I was a dickhead when I was 12. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:51 | |
I used to score and genuinely do this. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:55 | |
It's been a genuine pleasure, thank you so much for coming on. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
-Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up... What is your full name, sir? -It's Dickie Borthwick. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:10 | |
Dickie Borthwick, ladies and gentlemen! | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
So, what's been happening in the world of crime? | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
For me, this has to be headline of the year. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
What an idiot. Dressing as a clown is hardly going to help you in a police line-up. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:34 | |
You're probably thinking the lady was terrified. Guess again. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:46 | |
This character in a clown mask threw open my bathroom door. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:52 | |
I was on the commode. So it was kind of a surprise! | 0:24:52 | 0:24:56 | |
I love that. On the toilet, openly laughing at him. | 0:24:57 | 0:25:01 | |
What I want to know, who was more freaked out? | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
I bet they were going, "Ahh! You're a clown!" | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
"Ahh! You're an old lady on the toilet! | 0:25:07 | 0:25:10 | |
"It looks like you've got Brian Blessed's head in your lap!" | 0:25:10 | 0:25:14 | |
"She has! | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
"I'm a mini Brian Blessed! | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
"Now fuck off!" | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
The reason I adore this story is because of what the lady considered doing to the clown. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:34 | |
I thought about doing ninja stuff to him but I thought, "No, he's faster than I am." | 0:25:34 | 0:25:41 | |
So I more or less just sat there on the lid. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:45 | |
So beautiful. "I thought about doing ninja stuff. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
"But I thought, nah, I'll just continue having a pooh." | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
Although I'd love to see a ninja granny. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
Imagine that, swooping down from a rooftop. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:58 | |
"I'm 84!" | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
"Horlicks." | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
Time for the good news story. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:10 | |
I saw this beautiful story on Children In Need. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:13 | |
I was watching it with my dog, interestingly. | 0:26:13 | 0:26:16 | |
It's a little bit of detail, you don't need it, but it makes sense in a minute. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:20 | |
I saw this organisation called Dogs For The Disabled. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:22 | |
I thought it was lovely, and wanted to share it with you. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
It's about a young girl called Victoria. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
When I first went to school I thought everything would be fine. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:33 | |
I was really happy, really bubbly. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:37 | |
Like a Year Seven should be. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:39 | |
As the term went on, I suddenly realised I was not going to have many friends. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:46 | |
Some children think I'm all right. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
But most of them view me as dumb, or maybe a little bit stupid, | 0:26:52 | 0:26:58 | |
because they only just see my walker. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
Because I can't join in some of the activities that the children do at school, I feel very lonely. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:09 | |
But it's all changed now I've got my dog, Yaffle. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:13 | |
My mum found out about the Dogs For Disabled when she typed it into the computer. | 0:27:16 | 0:27:21 | |
I was so excited. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:24 | |
Ecstatic is the word. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
Yaffle, come on! | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
Yaffle is like my friend, my helper. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:32 | |
My best buddy in life. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
Such a good boy, aren't you? | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
Coming home to Yaffle is like the clouds opening and the sun coming through. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:46 | |
Good boy! Yaffle, come here. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:50 | |
School is improving a lot, and I'm now talking to people like I never used to. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:56 | |
The most important thing Yaffle has given me | 0:27:56 | 0:27:58 | |
is my independence and my confidence, and my love for life again. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:03 | |
Come on. Well done, Yaffle. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
This way. | 0:28:06 | 0:28:07 | |
He's just beautiful, inside and out. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:11 | |
Genuinely lovely, isn't it? | 0:28:13 | 0:28:14 | |
I was watching that, I'll let you into a secret, I had a bit of a tear in my eye. | 0:28:14 | 0:28:18 | |
I was kind of like, "Oh, man," you know? | 0:28:18 | 0:28:19 | |
You see something and you go, "Aah." | 0:28:19 | 0:28:21 | |
And I looked down at my dog, and he was licking his arse. | 0:28:21 | 0:28:24 | |
If you've a good news story that you think we should know about, | 0:28:26 | 0:28:30 | |
log on to our blog and tell us about it. | 0:28:30 | 0:28:32 | |
The next guy's quite tall. Now, ladies and gentlemen... | 0:28:36 | 0:28:39 | |
it's Saturday night which means it's stand-up time. Your next act is Joe Wilkinson. | 0:28:39 | 0:28:44 | |
He's fantastic. He supported me on tour last year. | 0:28:44 | 0:28:46 | |
He's genuinely wonderful. You're going to love him. | 0:28:46 | 0:28:49 | |
So without further ado, please welcome to the stage the wonderful Joe Wilkinson. | 0:28:49 | 0:28:53 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:53 | 0:28:56 | |
Er, good evening. | 0:29:28 | 0:29:30 | |
Hello! | 0:29:30 | 0:29:32 | |
I can't look at him. | 0:29:32 | 0:29:34 | |
Are you all right? Yes? | 0:29:35 | 0:29:38 | |
That's good. Good. MUMBLES | 0:29:38 | 0:29:40 | |
I'm repor... I'm reporting you. | 0:29:48 | 0:29:51 | |
Good evening. | 0:29:51 | 0:29:53 | |
Nice to be here on Russell Howard's Show. Wahay! Bloody brilliant. | 0:29:53 | 0:29:55 | |
Over the moon. | 0:29:55 | 0:29:57 | |
That's nice. So, yeah, no, really chuffed to do it. | 0:29:58 | 0:30:01 | |
I like, um... You know, you've seen London so it's nice to sort of... | 0:30:01 | 0:30:05 | |
I live in London so I've done like travelling. | 0:30:05 | 0:30:08 | |
I live in South London. I still live quite near my mum and dad. | 0:30:08 | 0:30:11 | |
I go and visit them quite a lot, yeah, cos I love them. | 0:30:11 | 0:30:14 | |
Er, and, er... | 0:30:14 | 0:30:16 | |
I do. Of course I do. | 0:30:16 | 0:30:18 | |
But they've got Sky as well. | 0:30:18 | 0:30:20 | |
And that helps. And, er, a few weekends ago, it was Saturday night, | 0:30:22 | 0:30:27 | |
I was watching telly with my mum... Oh, God, that sounds bleak. | 0:30:27 | 0:30:31 | |
Say Tuesday. And, um... | 0:30:33 | 0:30:36 | |
I was watching telly, and I don't know if anyone else's mum does this, | 0:30:36 | 0:30:40 | |
but when my mum watches telly she also irons. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:43 | |
Always ironing when she watches... | 0:30:43 | 0:30:46 | |
I don't know where she gets the clothes. There's only two of them in the house, right? | 0:30:46 | 0:30:50 | |
She must go down the other gardens. "I'll do this, Gwen. | 0:30:50 | 0:30:54 | |
"I'll do this. | 0:30:54 | 0:30:56 | |
"EastEnders Omnibus - I'll do it." I was watching TV | 0:30:56 | 0:31:00 | |
and I was watching that Mike Tyson film - the one about his life. | 0:31:00 | 0:31:03 | |
Mum hadn't really been watching because she was doing shirts | 0:31:03 | 0:31:06 | |
for everyone. She looked up halfway through and she saw Mike Tyson. | 0:31:06 | 0:31:11 | |
You know he's got that big tattoo on the side of his face? She looked up and saw that and went, | 0:31:11 | 0:31:16 | |
"Look at that. Who's going to employ him looking like that?" | 0:31:16 | 0:31:19 | |
"Bigger issues here, Mum, if I'm honest but carry on." | 0:31:23 | 0:31:26 | |
The one reason I went to see them is because a few weeks ago, a bit horrible, | 0:31:26 | 0:31:29 | |
my girlfriend told me that... apparently I swear in my sleep. | 0:31:29 | 0:31:35 | |
I don't swear that much in the day but, apparently, at night I really let rip. | 0:31:36 | 0:31:40 | |
She did a little demonstration | 0:31:41 | 0:31:43 | |
which was a bit creepy. She went, "You do this. Piss! Shit! Piss! Shit! Piss!" | 0:31:43 | 0:31:47 | |
"All right, calm down." Imagine lying next to that. "Oh, piss! Shit! Piss! Shit! Piss and shit! | 0:31:48 | 0:31:54 | |
"I love you. | 0:31:54 | 0:31:56 | |
"Don't leave me." | 0:31:56 | 0:31:59 | |
But I was really worried about it, right? So I told my mum. | 0:31:59 | 0:32:03 | |
This is the truth, the genuine truth. | 0:32:03 | 0:32:05 | |
"Mum, Mum, Mum, I'm a bit worried. Apparently I swear in my sleep." | 0:32:05 | 0:32:09 | |
She went, "Oh, you swear in your sleep. Oh, lucky you don't sleep with kids." | 0:32:09 | 0:32:14 | |
Yeah, yeah. | 0:32:21 | 0:32:23 | |
Yeah, we don't want to pick up any bad habits. | 0:32:23 | 0:32:27 | |
She's lovely, my mother. But every time I go and see them, | 0:32:29 | 0:32:33 | |
I always have this flashback from a couple of years ago when I came out of their local train station. | 0:32:33 | 0:32:38 | |
I was walking behind this bloke. I think it's fair to call this man a bell end, right? | 0:32:38 | 0:32:44 | |
He was one of those people that when he walked, he swung his arms too much, you know, one of those people. | 0:32:44 | 0:32:49 | |
Right. Don't do that, you bell end. | 0:32:51 | 0:32:54 | |
He was swinging his arms but we're getting near the exit, all crumpled in together, | 0:32:54 | 0:32:58 | |
and he's swinging his arms, and I'm right behind him, right? | 0:32:58 | 0:33:03 | |
At one point, he swung his arm back and he cupped me in the balls. | 0:33:03 | 0:33:07 | |
Bloody hell. | 0:33:14 | 0:33:16 | |
But then he must've realised what he'd done because he turned round, right? | 0:33:18 | 0:33:21 | |
And because I didn't want to cause a fuss, I just smiled at him. | 0:33:21 | 0:33:26 | |
"All right?" | 0:33:30 | 0:33:33 | |
And then he carried on walking. I'm like, "Oh, my God! He's cupped me in the balls and I've smiled at him." | 0:33:33 | 0:33:38 | |
It's going to look like I've done that deliberately. | 0:33:38 | 0:33:41 | |
Like I've seen him swinging his arms and thought, "Yeah, I'll have some of that. Yeah!" | 0:33:41 | 0:33:45 | |
Like I've been timing it or something. "Joe, don't rush this. One... No. | 0:33:45 | 0:33:51 | |
"Two... No, wait for the open palm! | 0:33:51 | 0:33:53 | |
"Bingo!" | 0:33:53 | 0:33:55 | |
I, um... Like I was saying, when I came out of my, | 0:33:59 | 0:34:03 | |
um, parent's station, there was this... | 0:34:03 | 0:34:05 | |
Outside the station there was these two empty parking spaces, right? | 0:34:05 | 0:34:09 | |
And there were three Community Support Officers. You know, Community... Officers? | 0:34:09 | 0:34:15 | |
I like your hat. | 0:34:18 | 0:34:19 | |
Anyway, what they were doing, these Community Support Officers, was stopping people parking | 0:34:21 | 0:34:26 | |
in these two parking spaces. I went off like, "That's weird. Whatever." I came back a few hours later | 0:34:26 | 0:34:32 | |
and they were still doing it. | 0:34:32 | 0:34:34 | |
Well, that's pretty bleak. | 0:34:34 | 0:34:36 | |
What do you reckon's happened there? | 0:34:36 | 0:34:38 | |
Do you reckon a real policeman seeing parking spaces thought, "Well, we've, er, | 0:34:38 | 0:34:44 | |
"we've run out of traffic cones... | 0:34:44 | 0:34:47 | |
"..What else can we use? | 0:34:50 | 0:34:53 | |
"Community Support Officers! Of course we can!" They were basically using them as traffic cones. | 0:34:53 | 0:34:59 | |
Do you reckon they use them anywhere else? Like on the motorway? Just hundreds of them standing like that? | 0:34:59 | 0:35:03 | |
The occasional one knocked over when someone's been changing the radio. "What the fuck was that? | 0:35:06 | 0:35:11 | |
"It's all right, it's just a Community Support Officer." | 0:35:11 | 0:35:13 | |
Students coming home with one on their head. | 0:35:15 | 0:35:18 | |
"Look what I nicked!" "You're not bringing that in the house, it's dirty." | 0:35:20 | 0:35:25 | |
I was at the bus stop waiting to see my friend, right? | 0:35:26 | 0:35:29 | |
And there were these two schoolboys and they were chatting. One of them was taking the piss out of his mate, | 0:35:29 | 0:35:35 | |
and I worked out what happened because the one who was having the piss taken out of him, | 0:35:35 | 0:35:39 | |
he'd done that thing at school which I think we all did. It's an awful thing. | 0:35:39 | 0:35:43 | |
He'd obviously on the day accidentally called the teacher "Dad". | 0:35:43 | 0:35:48 | |
That awful thing. I was like, "Oh, you poor bugger," | 0:35:49 | 0:35:52 | |
cos I remember doing it. | 0:35:52 | 0:35:55 | |
I was at school, stuck my hand up. I meant to say, "Mr Carr," and I said, "Dad." Oh... | 0:35:55 | 0:35:59 | |
Everyone laughed. But what I remember most about it is just after I called the teacher "Dad", | 0:35:59 | 0:36:03 | |
the kid next to me leant in and went, "Eurgh, you want to bum him." | 0:36:03 | 0:36:08 | |
"I don't know what goes on in your house, my friend. | 0:36:14 | 0:36:16 | |
"Here's the number for ChildLine." | 0:36:18 | 0:36:20 | |
He's still a friend of mine actually. | 0:36:23 | 0:36:26 | |
Not so much his dad. Um... | 0:36:26 | 0:36:28 | |
I read this thing, right? | 0:36:28 | 0:36:30 | |
I read this thing in the paper the other day. Apparently women now have the right | 0:36:30 | 0:36:35 | |
to check whether their new partner, their new man, | 0:36:35 | 0:36:38 | |
is on the Sex Offenders Register. | 0:36:38 | 0:36:40 | |
I thought about that. Regardless of the fact that your man is or isn't on the Sex Offenders Register, | 0:36:42 | 0:36:49 | |
the fact that you're checking... | 0:36:49 | 0:36:52 | |
probably means he's not the one for you. | 0:36:53 | 0:36:56 | |
"How's that new boyfriend of yours?" "Yeah, I really like him. Yeah. | 0:36:56 | 0:37:00 | |
"I've just got the sneaking suspicion... | 0:37:00 | 0:37:03 | |
"that he might be a paedophile." | 0:37:05 | 0:37:07 | |
"Ooh, someone's getting picky." | 0:37:08 | 0:37:11 | |
I should point out that I've got no structure to my set. | 0:37:15 | 0:37:19 | |
Well, you've seen other comedians on this show and they have structure. | 0:37:20 | 0:37:24 | |
The link their jokes or their stories really nicely. So it looks seamless. | 0:37:24 | 0:37:30 | |
Yeah... | 0:37:30 | 0:37:33 | |
Can't do that. | 0:37:34 | 0:37:35 | |
I can't do links. | 0:37:35 | 0:37:37 | |
So in-between the stories I might just say, "Link." | 0:37:37 | 0:37:40 | |
So, link, I was in the jeweller's recently... | 0:37:43 | 0:37:46 | |
I was standing behind this bloke waiting to be served. | 0:37:47 | 0:37:50 | |
A young girl serving - 15 or 16 - a Saturday girl because she was going... | 0:37:50 | 0:37:54 | |
Didn't give a shit. | 0:37:55 | 0:37:57 | |
The guy goes to the counter. He goes, "Excuse me. I want to buy a crucifix for my niece's christening.' | 0:37:57 | 0:38:01 | |
She went, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Crucifix, yeah. | 0:38:01 | 0:38:05 | |
"Do you mean a cross?" | 0:38:07 | 0:38:09 | |
"Yes, a cross." And she went, | 0:38:10 | 0:38:11 | |
"Oh, well, we've got two types of crosses - | 0:38:11 | 0:38:13 | |
"we've got plain ones or ones with little men on them." | 0:38:13 | 0:38:17 | |
Little men?! | 0:38:19 | 0:38:22 | |
Not Jesus. Little men. | 0:38:22 | 0:38:24 | |
"Yeah, I'll have a Danny DeVito. Yeah. Thanks very much." | 0:38:24 | 0:38:27 | |
"It's nice." "Thank you." | 0:38:29 | 0:38:31 | |
Link. I, er... | 0:38:33 | 0:38:36 | |
Among the other things that I did... | 0:38:36 | 0:38:38 | |
First thing in the morning, I go to the paper shop. | 0:38:38 | 0:38:42 | |
I get me paper. I went in the other day and went to the newsagent's and did that thing all men do. | 0:38:42 | 0:38:47 | |
Hopefully... | 0:38:48 | 0:38:50 | |
As I went in, I had a little glance... | 0:38:50 | 0:38:54 | |
..up at the...you know? | 0:38:57 | 0:39:00 | |
Yup. Yup. | 0:39:01 | 0:39:02 | |
Boomer magazines. | 0:39:03 | 0:39:05 | |
It was just a glance, you know... It doesn't matter. ..for about an hour. | 0:39:05 | 0:39:09 | |
Boom! | 0:39:09 | 0:39:11 | |
One of the magazines had a picture of a girl on the front and the caption | 0:39:11 | 0:39:15 | |
that came with the girl said, and I apologise for this cos it is crass, | 0:39:15 | 0:39:20 | |
it said, "I would suck..." I don't know why I'm whispering, as you can hear me. | 0:39:20 | 0:39:24 | |
It said, "I would suck your cock... | 0:39:25 | 0:39:29 | |
" until you begged me to stop." | 0:39:30 | 0:39:33 | |
All right, now, does anyone else think that she's clearly not very good at that? | 0:39:35 | 0:39:40 | |
"Stop! I beg you! | 0:39:43 | 0:39:46 | |
"Oh, that is horrible. That is horrible. Oh, I can't even look at you. | 0:39:46 | 0:39:51 | |
"Oh, God, you disgus... | 0:39:51 | 0:39:53 | |
"Why did you put it there? | 0:39:53 | 0:39:55 | |
"Oh, go to your mother's." | 0:39:55 | 0:39:57 | |
Stop?! | 0:39:57 | 0:39:59 | |
Not a man on this Earth. | 0:39:59 | 0:40:01 | |
I've heard they're lovely. I've given up smoking which I'm quite proud of. | 0:40:01 | 0:40:07 | |
Cheers(!) Er... APPLAUSE | 0:40:07 | 0:40:09 | |
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE | 0:40:09 | 0:40:13 | |
That clearly was patronising but fine... | 0:40:13 | 0:40:16 | |
I'll take it. | 0:40:16 | 0:40:18 | |
I know. | 0:40:18 | 0:40:20 | |
I was smoking for years. Like a lot of people I started at school | 0:40:20 | 0:40:23 | |
because of peer pressure, bullying, that sort of thing. | 0:40:23 | 0:40:26 | |
Worse for me cos I went to an all-boys school. Euw! | 0:40:26 | 0:40:30 | |
But I wasn't bummed. Hooray! | 0:40:30 | 0:40:32 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Yay! -Which apparently entitles me to a Bronze Duke of Edinburgh Award. | 0:40:32 | 0:40:38 | |
But when I was smoking, what I found weird was that someone would come up to me and they'd go, | 0:40:41 | 0:40:45 | |
"Um, have you got a spare cigarette, Joe?" | 0:40:45 | 0:40:48 | |
I'd go, "No. No, cos unfortunately I'm addicted to them. | 0:40:48 | 0:40:53 | |
"Which means I'll pretty much take a shine to all of them." | 0:40:53 | 0:40:56 | |
"You got a spare cigarette?" "Yeah, I do, weirdly, cos I'm a 19-a-day man. | 0:40:58 | 0:41:02 | |
"Puff some of that, you knobhead." | 0:41:04 | 0:41:05 | |
I'll tell you one last thing then I've got to go. | 0:41:08 | 0:41:11 | |
I never really know how to explain this, right? | 0:41:11 | 0:41:14 | |
I just thought I'd tell you. | 0:41:14 | 0:41:15 | |
Um, right...this is going to sound a bit weird | 0:41:15 | 0:41:19 | |
but basically, right, my whole life, babies have stared at me. | 0:41:19 | 0:41:25 | |
Right. | 0:41:27 | 0:41:29 | |
But I was on the bus with my friend. | 0:41:31 | 0:41:33 | |
My friend... There were about five or six babies on the bus and my friend looked around the bus. | 0:41:33 | 0:41:37 | |
No-one's staring at me, obviously(!) | 0:41:37 | 0:41:40 | |
And, er, my friend looked around the bus and she went, "Joe... | 0:41:40 | 0:41:43 | |
"..all the babies... | 0:41:45 | 0:41:47 | |
"on this bus are staring at you." | 0:41:48 | 0:41:51 | |
I went, "Yeah, I know. It happens. Yeah." | 0:41:52 | 0:41:54 | |
She said, "You know?" I went, "Yeah. This always happens." "A bit weird." I went, "...You know." | 0:41:56 | 0:42:01 | |
I got off the bus. About an hour later, I got on another bus | 0:42:01 | 0:42:04 | |
on my own, and there was a baby on that bus | 0:42:04 | 0:42:06 | |
and it wasn't staring at me. And I thought, "Ooh, that's weird." | 0:42:06 | 0:42:10 | |
But then I saw the baby do this. I saw the baby go... | 0:42:11 | 0:42:14 | |
I swear to God, at that point I thought, "Still got it!" | 0:42:22 | 0:42:26 | |
You've been lovely. Thanks for listening. Take care. Bye-bye. | 0:42:29 | 0:42:32 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:32 | 0:42:35 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Wilkinson! | 0:42:35 | 0:42:39 | |
CHEERING | 0:42:39 | 0:42:43 | |
There you go. | 0:42:43 | 0:42:44 | |
That's all from Good News. Have a wonderful Saturday night. Good night. | 0:42:44 | 0:42:49 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:49 | 0:42:51 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd. | 0:43:03 | 0:43:06 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:43:06 | 0:43:09 |