Episode 6 Russell Howard's Good News Extra


Episode 6

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome to Good News. So, what have we learned this week?

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We've learned what Bill Turnbull says during sex.

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I'm the daddy now.

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I don't know about you, but I think Anne Widdecombe's been flashing.

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I don't think I've seen such a dirty engine room for many a year.

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And this is undoubtedly the best mug shot ever.

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We have new details about the man police say is responsible for a crime spree.

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A grand jury has indicted Mark Siebenmorgen on several charges...

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So the big religious news of the week came from the Pope.

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For the first time the Pope has suggested that the use of condoms

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might not always be wrong.

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To be honest, judging by his choice of furniture, we should've seen this coming.

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"I like my chairs ribbed for extra comfort."

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He said that condoms can only be used in exceptional circumstances.

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I'm guessing he doesn't mean this.

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What does "exceptional circumstance" even mean?

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You can only use a condom

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if you're rubbing yoghurt on your nipples dressed as a puffin?

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It's not as if people use condoms in ordinary circumstances.

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I've never gone, "Shit, I'm going to miss that bus! I'd better rubber up!"

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Just chasing after a double decker with a semi.

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What are these exceptional circumstances?

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Pope Benedict says in a new book the use of condoms

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can be justified in some cases, such as for male prostitutes.

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Male prostitutes?!

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Sounds like someone at the Vatican has got a new special advisor.

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"His name is Cardinal Disco and you must obey him."

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We shouldn't be surprised.

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Have you seen what the Pope wears under his robes?

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I'd love it if the Pope brought out his own condoms.

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Can you imagine the advert?

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Want to go for 40 days and 40 nights?

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You won't Adam and Eve our new Pope condom.

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When she's on her knees,

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pray you've got one of these.

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Papal condoms - take your lover to Heaven and back.

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The other big news was, of course, this.

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Prince William and Kate Middleton

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will be married on Friday 29th April at Westminster Abbey.

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People in their home town are royally pleased.

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-I think it's fantastic.

-It's really lovely.

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It's maybe just the bit of good news we need just now to cheer us up.

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-Are you excited about the wedding?

-Absolutely not.

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You've got to love the Queen's reaction.

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The Queen said she's absolutely delighted.

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She ordered 300 bottles of vintage champagne.

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"Let's get wankered!"

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How much would you love to see the Queen pissed?

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"Hello!

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"I own all the swans in England.

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"Let's have a sing song."

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(RAPS) "I wanna stop, collaborate and listen

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"Ice is back with a brand new invention

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"Something grabs a hold of me tightly

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"Pull like a hawk come daily and nightly

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"Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know

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"Turn on the flow, and I'll go to the extreme

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"I wanna rap like a vandal

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"Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle

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"Dance, when you're feeling dope melody

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"Anything less than the best is a felony

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"If you got a problem, yo, I'll solve it

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"Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

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"Ice!

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"Philip, I think I'm ready for bed!

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"Take me to bed, Philip!"

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I really got carried away there.

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The media went haywire.

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They even asked Danny Dyer what he'd get them for a wedding gift.

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I'd like to see them eating pie and mash. The King, you know?

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Or some jellied eels.

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I'd force him to eat 'em in front of me.

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"Eat the eels, you slag, or I'll cut ya!"

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Did you see the way it was reported in Taiwan?

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Look out for what they put on Harry's arm

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and what they reckon Prince Philip will do at the wedding.

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IN TRANSLATION:

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You've got to love the way they do news.

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"Royal wedding? Let's make Harry a Nazi and Philip a pervert."

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One of the bizarre bits of trivia, apparently Kate had fancied Wills for ages.

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Her crush had begun much earlier.

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On the wall of her boarding school dormitory,

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a teenage Kate had pinned a poster

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of the boy prince who would one day become her husband.

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Psycho!

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If you married the person you had on the wall when you were little,

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I'd be banging these two.

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And I don't ever want to think about, "To me," "To you,"

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"Stop it! Let me go."

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"Go on, Barry, do him."

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For me, the best part of the wedding day will be when Harry does a speech.

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He is guaranteed to get pissed and put his foot in it.

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I will never forget Granddad's response when Wills said he was marrying Kate.

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Remember what you said, Granddad?

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"A fucking Muggle?!"

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You know, we are like the Mafia, cross us, you'll wake up with a horse's head in your bed.

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Mind you, Dad doesn't mind.

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Come on, everyone, it's a joke!

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Next up, meet Stuart Ross. He's only got one dream - he wants to fly.

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Seeing the jet pack at the beginning of the 1984 Olympics

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is an image that stuck with me.

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To build a jet pack,

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or to operate a jet pack,

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to fly a jet pack, is just my dream.

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It flies a bit like a Harrier jump jet...

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..with vector thrust and so on.

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Vector thrust, wow!

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Let's see this baby in action.

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Incredible!

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This bloke is so deluded.

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-Stuart, how was that for you?

-We got a few inches off the ground,

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but what we plan on doing is getting higher and higher and higher and higher.

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Higher and higher and higher and higher.

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I've beaten you already, mate.

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He's like a nutter on Dragons' Den.

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"Hello, Dragons.

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"I made a sat nav for bumble bees.

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"The colours!"

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Now, talking of sat navs, did you hear the great news about Brian Blessed?

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Fantastic. A sat nav voiced by this guy.

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Gordon's alive?

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BRIAN MUMBLES AND SHRIEKS

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It's such a great idea.

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Mind you, you wouldn't want to go the wrong way.

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Tosser!

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Have you seen what he does when you reach your destination?

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When people arrive at their destination, I do the Tarzan.

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-Tarzan?

-Yeah.

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MIMICS TARZAN'S CALL

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I'm getting one of these!

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I also want a Brian Blessed car horn. Wouldn't that be great?

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"Out of the way, dickhead!"

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We should clone him so that every house has its own mini Brian.

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You'd never get burgled. Imagine that.

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"I'm going to burgle..." "Fuck off!"

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I love him. But then, how can you not love a man that describes a Palm Pilot like this.

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Palm Pilot?

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Sounds like a wanking machine.

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Check out what this guy's spent his life inventing.

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His name, Doug Heinz, and he's making Roxxxy,

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which he hopes to be the world's first sex robot.

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Sex robot?! Who wants to shag a machine?!

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I've never looked at a microwave and gone, "If only she had tits."

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Mind you, at least you'd know when she'd had an orgasm.

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PING!

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Enjoy that, babe?

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Maybe I'm being naive. I shouldn't judge before I've seen this robot beauty.

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This is Roxxxy's face, which is our model face.

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As you can see, the beauty that she has is quite striking.

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Striking?! Who finds that beautiful?

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What do you look for in a woman?

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"I like them decapitated.

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"And on a wooden desk".

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Call me picky, but as my dear old man would say,

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"If you're going to buy a robot sex doll, make sure it's got a growler."

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Luckily, there's another fox in town...

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This is Roxxxy II.

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What the hell is that?

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You can make her look like anyone in the world and you'd go for a melting Anne Robinson?!

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I tell you what, though, maybe I'm judging.

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If that's your thing, look what else Roxxxy can do.

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Her pelvic area thrusts when she's being intimate.

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We also have a very large tongue, which I'll show you in a moment.

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It's very erotic.

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This is the future. This is so cool.

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Did you hear him at the end?

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He's holding the tongue, going, "That's the future."

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I thought it would be hoverboards,

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not getting a blowie off an android with a tongue like a cow.

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What I want to know, what kind of creepy weirdo would buy a sex robot?

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Now for something altogether more artistic.

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In Poland's Silesian province,

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something may be about to shake up the world of art.

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Maceba the horse has learned how to paint.

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No, she hasn't.

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A mad woman has just stuffed a brush in her mouth.

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All that horse wants to paint is, "Please get me out of here!

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"I'd rather be Pritt Stick than this!"

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A painting horse - I tell you what, how pissed off would you be if you're a jockey?

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"Come on! We're nearly at the end of the race..."

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"Don't move, the light is perfect.

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"I must paint you, little man, for I am an artist."

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It's ridiculous. They even got someone to review it.

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TRANSLATION: It's art of expression.

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Very...interesting.

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Very shit.

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It looks like someone's stamped on Morph.

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If you think her painting's bad you should see her try and write a novel.

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I tell you what, some incredible tales from the world of retail this week.

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Did you hear about this special promotion?

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An Israeli electronic store has been bleating

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about a novel and pretty unusual way of drawing spenders in.

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Coupons? A loyalty card?

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Buy a TV or another device here, and you'll get a brand new sheep thrown in with it.

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I bet there's a load of perverts in Wales going, "Oh! Excited!"

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Free sheep?! I bet the customers were furious.

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TRANSLATION: I got a sheep.

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I bought a fridge for a very good price, and got a sheep.

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I won't miss such an opportunity.

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How excited is he?! I bet he gets home,

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"Yasmeena! We have a fridge for cold food!

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"And lady sheep for free milk!

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"Mmm! Glorious milk, Yasmeena!"

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"Farouk,

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"that is no lady."

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So, could it get any weirder? Yes, it can.

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Check out these new toys.

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The German toy maker, and they make toys there,

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has created a new line of stuffed animals with psychiatric disorders.

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For 38 bucks, you can own a mentally-ill toy,

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complete with medical history, a referral letter and a treatment plan.

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Among them,

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Doug the turtle, who suffers from severe depression.

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Dolly the sheep, she's got multiple personality disorder.

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And of course there's Croco,

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a crocodile with an irrational fear of water.

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Shocking, isn't it? I can't believe that they missed Bi-Polar Bear.

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Mind you, this has nothing on this next story.

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Why? It's nearly Christmas.

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You give me one good reason...

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How offensive could they get?!

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What was their slogan?

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"Transformers, robots in permanent care".

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It's unbelievable how thick they can be.

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Apparently they've also halted production of Optimus Nonce and ClungeKnob SquarePants.

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It's so shocking. I can't believe they were going to call a Transformer Spastic.

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Imagine Santa getting that call.

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"You want a what for Christmas?!

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"Sorry, sorry, mate, it's a bit of a bad line.

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"Surely ALL the Transformers are plastic?

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"What?!"

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Luckily, it's all fine now.

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Apparently they're going to rename him Scope.

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I tell you what, it's not just Transformers behaving badly.

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Look where Buzz Lightyear's put his straw.

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Now, have you heard the latest botanical revelation?

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A new study has found that if you talk to your plant,

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it's more likely to thrive if you have a Scouse accent.

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Yeah, you heard right.

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Plants grow more if you talk to them in a Scouse accent. How did they find this out?

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Was there a gardener trying different accents?

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-POSH ACCENT:

-Come on, Mr Plant!

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-IRISH ACCENT:

-Ah, come on, would you grow for Daddy, just a little bit?

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-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-Seriously, mate, I need you to grow. Please?

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-INDIAN ACCENT:

-Please will you grow for me?

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That doesn't work.

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-LIVERPOOL ACCENT:

-Seriously, mate, just fucking grow, would you, just a little bit for da...? Ooh!

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Poor Scousers. It must be like being a really crap superhero.

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"I can travel through time!"

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"That's nothing, mate. I can make daffodils big."

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It's ridiculous. This report is a farce.

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You won't be surprised to hear

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that these findings are not based on scientific research.

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Really(?)

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Of course it's not based on science. They gave the plants names.

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This is Bernard, a house plant.

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Bernard doesn't have a Scouse accent.

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At least, he didn't when we filmed him this afternoon.

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Wouldn't it be great if the plant went, "Bitch, get that mic out of my face!"

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I tell you what though, if the Scouse accent does make plants grow,

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we should use them for the good of mankind.

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Drought...

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crop failure...

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Just £5 a month can provide an African village with its very own Scouser.

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-As they say themselves, famine...

-My arse!

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From Liverpool to America, and the unhealthiest restaurant in the world.

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A restaurant in Chandler, Arizona, is attracting new customers

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by promising death and disease to its patrons.

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Here, there are no healthy choices.

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This is the Heart Attack Grill.

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AMBULANCE SIREN BLARES

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Look at that food. Greasy, disgusting, wrong.

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But at the same time, strangely irresistible.

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Much like this guy.

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I can't believe it's called the Heart Attack Grill.

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How honest is that? That's like calling a brothel The Next Day Itch.

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You should meet the restaurant owner. He's an absolute cowboy.

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I run perhaps the only honest restaurant in America.

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Hey, this is bad for you, and it's going to kill you.

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You dress like a doctor, but are you a doctor?

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To be honest, the American Medical Association does not recognise me.

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Damn right they don't.

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Let me check your vitals here, Bill.

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I think my heart's on that side.

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He doesn't care. This is an actual advert that he's put on telly to promote his own business.

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The Heart Attack Grill diet is not for everyone.

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Side effects may include sudden weight gain, repeated increase of wardrobe size,

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back pain, male breast growth, loss of sexual partners, lung cancer,

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tooth decay, liver sclerosis, stroke, and an inability to see your penis.

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Mmm!

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Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

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There's a mystery guest who's been in the news. I have to figure out who that is.

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Please welcome my mystery guest.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Pleasure to meet you, sir. My name's Russell, what's your name?

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Good evening, Russell. My name's Dickie Borthwick.

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Dickie Borthwick? It's a great name.

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-Scottish.

-You're Scottish?

-Yeah.

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OK. I'm guessing it's something to do with football?

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-You could be right there.

-I could be right.

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Are these boots that you've worn?

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I've not actually worn those boots, but I've worn similar boots in the past.

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Right. Did you used to be a professional footballer?

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No. I would have liked to have been.

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Who wouldn't, man? Do you still play now?

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Actually, I DO still play.

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Do you really? Wow.

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OK, are you, like, the oldest footballer in Britain?

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You're right.

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Is that right? Fantastic.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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How old are you? Do you mind if I ask?

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I'll ask in a kinder way. Do you remember the films of Gregory Peck?

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-Yes.

-So you're about 70?

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-A little bit more.

-Bit more?

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Wow, and you're still playing? 75?

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-You're correct.

-Wow, congratulations. You're still playing. What position?

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-It's known as left midfield.

-I know left midfield, yeah.

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-That's where I play.

-Really?

-Yeah, I'm a lot like Pires.

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What I do...

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Yeah, I drift.

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-Really?

-Have you got a ball?

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-It so happens...

-Have we really?

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It's not one of the modern balls.

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-It's the type we used to play with when I was sort of 16, 18.

-OK.

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Let's have a kick around.

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-Why not?

-You're up for that? Cheers, that would be sweet.

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I'm going to do some tricks!

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Ooh, that's right!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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This is great.

0:21:370:21:40

Shall we go over here? Shall we do keepy-ups? You up for that?

0:21:400:21:44

-Not keepy-ups, but...

-No? OK.

0:21:440:21:46

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:460:21:48

Let's have a kick around. What a great job this is I have.

0:21:510:21:54

-Go on, nice.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:21:540:21:56

Do you know what this feels like?

0:22:070:22:09

This feels like Field Of Dreams.

0:22:090:22:11

I've met my future self.

0:22:110:22:14

On yer 'ed.

0:22:140:22:16

Come on, sunshine, let's have a quick word.

0:22:190:22:22

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:220:22:23

How's the game changed in all those years?

0:22:300:22:33

It's changed dramatically.

0:22:330:22:35

The game is so much faster.

0:22:350:22:37

Did you have WAGs when you started?

0:22:370:22:40

Yeah, I've had my followers.

0:22:400:22:42

You've had your followers?

0:22:420:22:44

You'd get a card now and again through the letterbox.

0:22:450:22:49

"Congratulations, Dick, on scoring."

0:22:490:22:54

-Your name is Dick, isn't it?

-It is.

0:22:540:22:56

Otherwise, that's a very different card.

0:22:560:23:00

Do you reckon you'll ever give up? Why? It's fantastic.

0:23:000:23:03

Personally, I've got a few more years left in me yet.

0:23:050:23:08

-Of course you have.

-I play for a team called Wyke Regis Veterans.

0:23:080:23:12

We've been going for about 40 years now, I've been associated with them for 40 years.

0:23:120:23:16

Had a game Sunday, down at Weymouth.

0:23:160:23:20

-Won 5-2.

-Get in.

0:23:200:23:22

They allowed me to take the penalty.

0:23:220:23:24

-Straight down the middle, like a rocket.

-Fantastic.

0:23:240:23:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:290:23:31

They're lovely, aren't they?

0:23:340:23:35

-You didn't celebrate that at all?

-I came out and shook hands.

0:23:370:23:41

That's the way it used to be. None of this kissing and hugging.

0:23:410:23:46

You're going to hate me, do you know what I used to do when I was 12?

0:23:460:23:50

I was a dickhead when I was 12.

0:23:500:23:51

I used to score and genuinely do this.

0:23:510:23:55

It's been a genuine pleasure, thank you so much for coming on.

0:24:020:24:05

-Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up... What is your full name, sir?

-It's Dickie Borthwick.

0:24:050:24:10

Dickie Borthwick, ladies and gentlemen!

0:24:100:24:13

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:130:24:15

So, what's been happening in the world of crime?

0:24:210:24:23

For me, this has to be headline of the year.

0:24:230:24:26

What an idiot. Dressing as a clown is hardly going to help you in a police line-up.

0:24:300:24:34

You're probably thinking the lady was terrified. Guess again.

0:24:430:24:46

This character in a clown mask threw open my bathroom door.

0:24:460:24:52

I was on the commode. So it was kind of a surprise!

0:24:520:24:56

I love that. On the toilet, openly laughing at him.

0:24:570:25:01

What I want to know, who was more freaked out?

0:25:020:25:05

I bet they were going, "Ahh! You're a clown!"

0:25:050:25:07

"Ahh! You're an old lady on the toilet!

0:25:070:25:10

"It looks like you've got Brian Blessed's head in your lap!"

0:25:100:25:14

"She has!

0:25:190:25:22

"I'm a mini Brian Blessed!

0:25:220:25:24

"Now fuck off!"

0:25:240:25:26

The reason I adore this story is because of what the lady considered doing to the clown.

0:25:280:25:34

I thought about doing ninja stuff to him but I thought, "No, he's faster than I am."

0:25:340:25:41

So I more or less just sat there on the lid.

0:25:410:25:45

So beautiful. "I thought about doing ninja stuff.

0:25:450:25:48

"But I thought, nah, I'll just continue having a pooh."

0:25:480:25:51

Although I'd love to see a ninja granny.

0:25:530:25:55

Imagine that, swooping down from a rooftop.

0:25:550:25:58

"I'm 84!"

0:25:580:26:00

"Horlicks."

0:26:020:26:04

Time for the good news story.

0:26:090:26:10

I saw this beautiful story on Children In Need.

0:26:100:26:13

I was watching it with my dog, interestingly.

0:26:130:26:16

It's a little bit of detail, you don't need it, but it makes sense in a minute.

0:26:160:26:20

I saw this organisation called Dogs For The Disabled.

0:26:200:26:22

I thought it was lovely, and wanted to share it with you.

0:26:220:26:25

It's about a young girl called Victoria.

0:26:250:26:27

When I first went to school I thought everything would be fine.

0:26:290:26:33

I was really happy, really bubbly.

0:26:330:26:37

Like a Year Seven should be.

0:26:370:26:39

As the term went on, I suddenly realised I was not going to have many friends.

0:26:390:26:46

Some children think I'm all right.

0:26:490:26:52

But most of them view me as dumb, or maybe a little bit stupid,

0:26:520:26:58

because they only just see my walker.

0:26:580:27:01

Because I can't join in some of the activities that the children do at school, I feel very lonely.

0:27:030:27:09

But it's all changed now I've got my dog, Yaffle.

0:27:090:27:13

My mum found out about the Dogs For Disabled when she typed it into the computer.

0:27:160:27:21

I was so excited.

0:27:210:27:24

Ecstatic is the word.

0:27:240:27:26

Yaffle, come on!

0:27:260:27:28

Yaffle is like my friend, my helper.

0:27:280:27:32

My best buddy in life.

0:27:370:27:39

Such a good boy, aren't you?

0:27:390:27:41

Coming home to Yaffle is like the clouds opening and the sun coming through.

0:27:410:27:46

Good boy! Yaffle, come here.

0:27:460:27:50

School is improving a lot, and I'm now talking to people like I never used to.

0:27:500:27:56

The most important thing Yaffle has given me

0:27:560:27:58

is my independence and my confidence, and my love for life again.

0:27:580:28:03

Come on. Well done, Yaffle.

0:28:030:28:06

This way.

0:28:060:28:07

He's just beautiful, inside and out.

0:28:070:28:11

Genuinely lovely, isn't it?

0:28:130:28:14

I was watching that, I'll let you into a secret, I had a bit of a tear in my eye.

0:28:140:28:18

I was kind of like, "Oh, man," you know?

0:28:180:28:19

You see something and you go, "Aah."

0:28:190:28:21

And I looked down at my dog, and he was licking his arse.

0:28:210:28:24

If you've a good news story that you think we should know about,

0:28:260:28:30

log on to our blog and tell us about it.

0:28:300:28:32

The next guy's quite tall. Now, ladies and gentlemen...

0:28:360:28:39

it's Saturday night which means it's stand-up time. Your next act is Joe Wilkinson.

0:28:390:28:44

He's fantastic. He supported me on tour last year.

0:28:440:28:46

He's genuinely wonderful. You're going to love him.

0:28:460:28:49

So without further ado, please welcome to the stage the wonderful Joe Wilkinson.

0:28:490:28:53

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:530:28:56

Er, good evening.

0:29:280:29:30

Hello!

0:29:300:29:32

I can't look at him.

0:29:320:29:34

Are you all right? Yes?

0:29:350:29:38

That's good. Good. MUMBLES

0:29:380:29:40

I'm repor... I'm reporting you.

0:29:480:29:51

Good evening.

0:29:510:29:53

Nice to be here on Russell Howard's Show. Wahay! Bloody brilliant.

0:29:530:29:55

Over the moon.

0:29:550:29:57

That's nice. So, yeah, no, really chuffed to do it.

0:29:580:30:01

I like, um... You know, you've seen London so it's nice to sort of...

0:30:010:30:05

I live in London so I've done like travelling.

0:30:050:30:08

I live in South London. I still live quite near my mum and dad.

0:30:080:30:11

I go and visit them quite a lot, yeah, cos I love them.

0:30:110:30:14

Er, and, er...

0:30:140:30:16

I do. Of course I do.

0:30:160:30:18

But they've got Sky as well.

0:30:180:30:20

And that helps. And, er, a few weekends ago, it was Saturday night,

0:30:220:30:27

I was watching telly with my mum... Oh, God, that sounds bleak.

0:30:270:30:31

Say Tuesday. And, um...

0:30:330:30:36

I was watching telly, and I don't know if anyone else's mum does this,

0:30:360:30:40

but when my mum watches telly she also irons.

0:30:400:30:43

Always ironing when she watches...

0:30:430:30:46

I don't know where she gets the clothes. There's only two of them in the house, right?

0:30:460:30:50

She must go down the other gardens. "I'll do this, Gwen.

0:30:500:30:54

"I'll do this.

0:30:540:30:56

"EastEnders Omnibus - I'll do it." I was watching TV

0:30:560:31:00

and I was watching that Mike Tyson film - the one about his life.

0:31:000:31:03

Mum hadn't really been watching because she was doing shirts

0:31:030:31:06

for everyone. She looked up halfway through and she saw Mike Tyson.

0:31:060:31:11

You know he's got that big tattoo on the side of his face? She looked up and saw that and went,

0:31:110:31:16

"Look at that. Who's going to employ him looking like that?"

0:31:160:31:19

"Bigger issues here, Mum, if I'm honest but carry on."

0:31:230:31:26

The one reason I went to see them is because a few weeks ago, a bit horrible,

0:31:260:31:29

my girlfriend told me that... apparently I swear in my sleep.

0:31:290:31:35

I don't swear that much in the day but, apparently, at night I really let rip.

0:31:360:31:40

She did a little demonstration

0:31:410:31:43

which was a bit creepy. She went, "You do this. Piss! Shit! Piss! Shit! Piss!"

0:31:430:31:47

"All right, calm down." Imagine lying next to that. "Oh, piss! Shit! Piss! Shit! Piss and shit!

0:31:480:31:54

"I love you.

0:31:540:31:56

"Don't leave me."

0:31:560:31:59

But I was really worried about it, right? So I told my mum.

0:31:590:32:03

This is the truth, the genuine truth.

0:32:030:32:05

"Mum, Mum, Mum, I'm a bit worried. Apparently I swear in my sleep."

0:32:050:32:09

She went, "Oh, you swear in your sleep. Oh, lucky you don't sleep with kids."

0:32:090:32:14

Yeah, yeah.

0:32:210:32:23

Yeah, we don't want to pick up any bad habits.

0:32:230:32:27

She's lovely, my mother. But every time I go and see them,

0:32:290:32:33

I always have this flashback from a couple of years ago when I came out of their local train station.

0:32:330:32:38

I was walking behind this bloke. I think it's fair to call this man a bell end, right?

0:32:380:32:44

He was one of those people that when he walked, he swung his arms too much, you know, one of those people.

0:32:440:32:49

Right. Don't do that, you bell end.

0:32:510:32:54

He was swinging his arms but we're getting near the exit, all crumpled in together,

0:32:540:32:58

and he's swinging his arms, and I'm right behind him, right?

0:32:580:33:03

At one point, he swung his arm back and he cupped me in the balls.

0:33:030:33:07

Bloody hell.

0:33:140:33:16

But then he must've realised what he'd done because he turned round, right?

0:33:180:33:21

And because I didn't want to cause a fuss, I just smiled at him.

0:33:210:33:26

"All right?"

0:33:300:33:33

And then he carried on walking. I'm like, "Oh, my God! He's cupped me in the balls and I've smiled at him."

0:33:330:33:38

It's going to look like I've done that deliberately.

0:33:380:33:41

Like I've seen him swinging his arms and thought, "Yeah, I'll have some of that. Yeah!"

0:33:410:33:45

Like I've been timing it or something. "Joe, don't rush this. One... No.

0:33:450:33:51

"Two... No, wait for the open palm!

0:33:510:33:53

"Bingo!"

0:33:530:33:55

I, um... Like I was saying, when I came out of my,

0:33:590:34:03

um, parent's station, there was this...

0:34:030:34:05

Outside the station there was these two empty parking spaces, right?

0:34:050:34:09

And there were three Community Support Officers. You know, Community... Officers?

0:34:090:34:15

I like your hat.

0:34:180:34:19

Anyway, what they were doing, these Community Support Officers, was stopping people parking

0:34:210:34:26

in these two parking spaces. I went off like, "That's weird. Whatever." I came back a few hours later

0:34:260:34:32

and they were still doing it.

0:34:320:34:34

Well, that's pretty bleak.

0:34:340:34:36

What do you reckon's happened there?

0:34:360:34:38

Do you reckon a real policeman seeing parking spaces thought, "Well, we've, er,

0:34:380:34:44

"we've run out of traffic cones...

0:34:440:34:47

"..What else can we use?

0:34:500:34:53

"Community Support Officers! Of course we can!" They were basically using them as traffic cones.

0:34:530:34:59

Do you reckon they use them anywhere else? Like on the motorway? Just hundreds of them standing like that?

0:34:590:35:03

The occasional one knocked over when someone's been changing the radio. "What the fuck was that?

0:35:060:35:11

"It's all right, it's just a Community Support Officer."

0:35:110:35:13

Students coming home with one on their head.

0:35:150:35:18

"Look what I nicked!" "You're not bringing that in the house, it's dirty."

0:35:200:35:25

I was at the bus stop waiting to see my friend, right?

0:35:260:35:29

And there were these two schoolboys and they were chatting. One of them was taking the piss out of his mate,

0:35:290:35:35

and I worked out what happened because the one who was having the piss taken out of him,

0:35:350:35:39

he'd done that thing at school which I think we all did. It's an awful thing.

0:35:390:35:43

He'd obviously on the day accidentally called the teacher "Dad".

0:35:430:35:48

That awful thing. I was like, "Oh, you poor bugger,"

0:35:490:35:52

cos I remember doing it.

0:35:520:35:55

I was at school, stuck my hand up. I meant to say, "Mr Carr," and I said, "Dad." Oh...

0:35:550:35:59

Everyone laughed. But what I remember most about it is just after I called the teacher "Dad",

0:35:590:36:03

the kid next to me leant in and went, "Eurgh, you want to bum him."

0:36:030:36:08

"I don't know what goes on in your house, my friend.

0:36:140:36:16

"Here's the number for ChildLine."

0:36:180:36:20

He's still a friend of mine actually.

0:36:230:36:26

Not so much his dad. Um...

0:36:260:36:28

I read this thing, right?

0:36:280:36:30

I read this thing in the paper the other day. Apparently women now have the right

0:36:300:36:35

to check whether their new partner, their new man,

0:36:350:36:38

is on the Sex Offenders Register.

0:36:380:36:40

I thought about that. Regardless of the fact that your man is or isn't on the Sex Offenders Register,

0:36:420:36:49

the fact that you're checking...

0:36:490:36:52

probably means he's not the one for you.

0:36:530:36:56

"How's that new boyfriend of yours?" "Yeah, I really like him. Yeah.

0:36:560:37:00

"I've just got the sneaking suspicion...

0:37:000:37:03

"that he might be a paedophile."

0:37:050:37:07

"Ooh, someone's getting picky."

0:37:080:37:11

I should point out that I've got no structure to my set.

0:37:150:37:19

Well, you've seen other comedians on this show and they have structure.

0:37:200:37:24

The link their jokes or their stories really nicely. So it looks seamless.

0:37:240:37:30

Yeah...

0:37:300:37:33

Can't do that.

0:37:340:37:35

I can't do links.

0:37:350:37:37

So in-between the stories I might just say, "Link."

0:37:370:37:40

So, link, I was in the jeweller's recently...

0:37:430:37:46

I was standing behind this bloke waiting to be served.

0:37:470:37:50

A young girl serving - 15 or 16 - a Saturday girl because she was going...

0:37:500:37:54

Didn't give a shit.

0:37:550:37:57

The guy goes to the counter. He goes, "Excuse me. I want to buy a crucifix for my niece's christening.'

0:37:570:38:01

She went, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Crucifix, yeah.

0:38:010:38:05

"Do you mean a cross?"

0:38:070:38:09

"Yes, a cross." And she went,

0:38:100:38:11

"Oh, well, we've got two types of crosses -

0:38:110:38:13

"we've got plain ones or ones with little men on them."

0:38:130:38:17

Little men?!

0:38:190:38:22

Not Jesus. Little men.

0:38:220:38:24

"Yeah, I'll have a Danny DeVito. Yeah. Thanks very much."

0:38:240:38:27

"It's nice." "Thank you."

0:38:290:38:31

Link. I, er...

0:38:330:38:36

Among the other things that I did...

0:38:360:38:38

First thing in the morning, I go to the paper shop.

0:38:380:38:42

I get me paper. I went in the other day and went to the newsagent's and did that thing all men do.

0:38:420:38:47

Hopefully...

0:38:480:38:50

As I went in, I had a little glance...

0:38:500:38:54

..up at the...you know?

0:38:570:39:00

Yup. Yup.

0:39:010:39:02

Boomer magazines.

0:39:030:39:05

It was just a glance, you know... It doesn't matter. ..for about an hour.

0:39:050:39:09

Boom!

0:39:090:39:11

One of the magazines had a picture of a girl on the front and the caption

0:39:110:39:15

that came with the girl said, and I apologise for this cos it is crass,

0:39:150:39:20

it said, "I would suck..." I don't know why I'm whispering, as you can hear me.

0:39:200:39:24

It said, "I would suck your cock...

0:39:250:39:29

" until you begged me to stop."

0:39:300:39:33

All right, now, does anyone else think that she's clearly not very good at that?

0:39:350:39:40

"Stop! I beg you!

0:39:430:39:46

"Oh, that is horrible. That is horrible. Oh, I can't even look at you.

0:39:460:39:51

"Oh, God, you disgus...

0:39:510:39:53

"Why did you put it there?

0:39:530:39:55

"Oh, go to your mother's."

0:39:550:39:57

Stop?!

0:39:570:39:59

Not a man on this Earth.

0:39:590:40:01

I've heard they're lovely. I've given up smoking which I'm quite proud of.

0:40:010:40:07

Cheers(!) Er... APPLAUSE

0:40:070:40:09

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

0:40:090:40:13

That clearly was patronising but fine...

0:40:130:40:16

I'll take it.

0:40:160:40:18

I know.

0:40:180:40:20

I was smoking for years. Like a lot of people I started at school

0:40:200:40:23

because of peer pressure, bullying, that sort of thing.

0:40:230:40:26

Worse for me cos I went to an all-boys school. Euw!

0:40:260:40:30

But I wasn't bummed. Hooray!

0:40:300:40:32

-AUDIENCE:

-Yay!

-Which apparently entitles me to a Bronze Duke of Edinburgh Award.

0:40:320:40:38

But when I was smoking, what I found weird was that someone would come up to me and they'd go,

0:40:410:40:45

"Um, have you got a spare cigarette, Joe?"

0:40:450:40:48

I'd go, "No. No, cos unfortunately I'm addicted to them.

0:40:480:40:53

"Which means I'll pretty much take a shine to all of them."

0:40:530:40:56

"You got a spare cigarette?" "Yeah, I do, weirdly, cos I'm a 19-a-day man.

0:40:580:41:02

"Puff some of that, you knobhead."

0:41:040:41:05

I'll tell you one last thing then I've got to go.

0:41:080:41:11

I never really know how to explain this, right?

0:41:110:41:14

I just thought I'd tell you.

0:41:140:41:15

Um, right...this is going to sound a bit weird

0:41:150:41:19

but basically, right, my whole life, babies have stared at me.

0:41:190:41:25

Right.

0:41:270:41:29

But I was on the bus with my friend.

0:41:310:41:33

My friend... There were about five or six babies on the bus and my friend looked around the bus.

0:41:330:41:37

No-one's staring at me, obviously(!)

0:41:370:41:40

And, er, my friend looked around the bus and she went, "Joe...

0:41:400:41:43

"..all the babies...

0:41:450:41:47

"on this bus are staring at you."

0:41:480:41:51

I went, "Yeah, I know. It happens. Yeah."

0:41:520:41:54

She said, "You know?" I went, "Yeah. This always happens." "A bit weird." I went, "...You know."

0:41:560:42:01

I got off the bus. About an hour later, I got on another bus

0:42:010:42:04

on my own, and there was a baby on that bus

0:42:040:42:06

and it wasn't staring at me. And I thought, "Ooh, that's weird."

0:42:060:42:10

But then I saw the baby do this. I saw the baby go...

0:42:110:42:14

I swear to God, at that point I thought, "Still got it!"

0:42:220:42:26

You've been lovely. Thanks for listening. Take care. Bye-bye.

0:42:290:42:32

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:320:42:35

Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Wilkinson!

0:42:350:42:39

CHEERING

0:42:390:42:43

There you go.

0:42:430:42:44

That's all from Good News. Have a wonderful Saturday night. Good night.

0:42:440:42:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:490:42:51

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

0:43:030:43:06

E-mail [email protected]

0:43:060:43:09

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