Episode 3 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains strong language

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Hello and welcome to Good News. I'll tell you what...

It doesn't take much to impress reporters these days.

Plates, they are pretty awesome.

LAUGHTER

Over at BBC Breakfast, an important sex tip...

Never put anything larger than an elbow in an orifice.

I've always said that!

With all the news focusing on Japan and Libya,

things have been a bit quiet in Scotland.

A dozen ambulances were sent to an accident in Fife earlier today

that resulted in a 12-year-old boy having a plaster put on his finger.

Did anyone else see that old bloke talking about vajazzling?

If it is groomed and quite smart, it can be quite enhancing,

but if it's a mess, you think, "Yuck!"

What has it got inside there?

In political news this week, the English Defence League held a march in Blackburn.

Here's what happened.

They arrived in Blackburn by the bus load.

THEY CHANT

Members of the English Defence League from across the country,

voicing their opposition to Islamic extremism.

Can some of you, please, behave yourselves?

In case you don't know who the English Defence League are...

Hello, Sir, and why are you here today?

I'm here to protest, right,

so I'm going on a march, because I want Britain to be back British.

I want Britain to be back British.

We've got interracial law and the muslamic infidel,

that's how they get their law over our country.

"Some of these burqa people, right,

"they can't even speak proper England."

They are trying to put the Iraqi law down on London and trying to...

Just trying to put their law down on us.

-We can't stand for that.

-Which Iraqi law is this?

It's the Muslim, the muslamic law.

"The Muslim muslamic law, right.

"Shut up, right, they want to do a 9/11 every Wednesday.

"They want to stop me eating bacon...

"Their leader, Al Qaeda, you know, the bloke who lives in a cave, right,

"he wants Sharon law.

"Well, I don't want a woman forcing me to speak Mosque."

LAUGHTER

Check out their leader, Stephen Lennon.

We will not say what you want. We will not do what you want.

I have not been groomed in public speaking. I have not been educated.

"I've never read a book!

"I don't even know how to use a spoon!"

What a role model. The thing that caught my eye about this -

they went to Blackburn because they wanted to fight an anti-fascist group.

It didn't really work out that way.

Brilliant. The racists started fighting themselves.

"Oi, Terry, you've given me a black eye. Now I hate my own eye!"

I wouldn't be surprised if one of them started a fight with his own shadow. "Stop following me.

"Stop it, you black bastard!"

They are the kind of people who hold up signs that say, "Ban the burqa" whilst dressed like this.

Over in Italy, the Prime Minister, Silvio "sex-pest" Berlusconi, is going to court.

The Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, has been ordered to

stand trial on charges of paying for sex with an underaged girl.

Prosecutors allege Berlusconi paid for sex

with the 17-year-old Moroccan girl nicknamed Ruby.

So is Berlusconi worried?

Well, clearly not. He laughed off the scandal by saying this...

HE CACKLES

"I'm a sleazy bastard."

Probably the most ridiculous development of the trial is this.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has called up

George Clooney as one of his defence witnesses

for when he goes on trial next month.

Makes sense. The two are inseparable.

You barely see them apart.

George Clooney says he only recalls meeting the Italian Prime Minister once.

Berlusconi is clearly bullshitting.

"Yeah, Clooney was there, Ian Holloway.

"De blue one from Avatar...

"and de President of Russia."

"Vladimir Putin?" "No! Dis guy."

Elsewhere in the world of politics...

have you heard the latest news about the Liberals?

A company in Suffolk have planned a musical about Nick Clegg.

Apparently they're going to call it Clegg The Musical.

Surely they should have gone for Nick And His Amazing Technicolor Bullshit.

I was so excited by this, I couldn't wait, so I've decided to write my own version.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There's been ghoulish goings-on in the West Midlands.

A cupboard door mysteriously opens of its on accord.

Is someone behind it playing tricks?

Not so, according to a family in Coventry, who claim something is haunting their home.

There's a ghost in Coventry?

(What has he been doing?)

The room is quiet and motionless.

But then, suddenly disturbed by a moving pink chair.

Is this family being visited by a poltergeist?

No.

Someone is moving a chair with string.

Either that or you've got a ghost that's into feng shui.

He's hardly scary.

A moving pink chair coming out of the closet.

I bet that ghost doesn't go, "Wooo!" he goes, "Oooooh."

It isn't just the chair. Look what else this evil spirit has done.

The light came on, or switched off - one or the other,

and I went to the kitchen to try to turn the light back off.

I think it must have turned it back on.

As I touched the kitchen light all you heard was a bang

and the whole house electrics have gone off.

That's a power cut!

Unbelievably this isn't the only ghost story from Coventry.

There was another one in the news this week.

But he doesn't move furniture. He's got a bit of a temper.

Casper's gone bad.

I know we shouldn't laugh but look where she claims the ghost is stalking her.

The ghosts follow her to Asda.

It's like something out of Chat magazine.

"I reached in the freezer, suddenly I were cold all over,

"then a voice from nowhere went, "Supervisor to checkout three, please."

"I looked around, no-one there.

"Ghosts."

What I want to know is why is a ghost attacking a woman from Coventry?

Surely if you could punch anyone you would choose this guy.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Why be so violent? If I was an invisible ghost I wouldn't hit people, I would have fun.

I would go to a zoo.

I would pick up a penguin and make him look like he was flying,

just to see all the other penguins going, "What the fu...

"How are you doing that?"

"It's a miracle."

Let's be honest, a violent ghost would be terrifying, but it would definitely have improved this film.

MUSIC: "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers

Elsewhere...

-LAUGHTER

-Thanks very much.

APPLAUSE

"There is nothing quite like a lady getting hit."

Elsewhere in the news, scientists have finally discovered the secret of love.

A 21st century matchmaker promises singles they can find

someone compatible simply by matching their faces to others.

This is the news that apparently you're attracted to people that look like you.

Shit!

That doesn't bode well for me....

APPLAUSE

My girlfriend actually calls me Shirley,

but that's another story.

If scientists are right, it explains why these two are so close.

It's bollocks. I don't want to go out with someone that looks like me.

I've got a lazy eye. We'd spend eternity unable to make eye contact.

Our children would look like this.

If I banged an animal.

The big sports story of the week had to be this.

The Football Association has upheld

Wayne Rooney's two-match ban

for swearing into a TV camera.

Nobody cares.

A footballer swore? Next you'll be telling me Jordan isn't a virgin.

What do they expect, it's Rooney.

He's hardly going to turn into Stephen Fry after scoring.

"Got the ball here. Come on, lad, you can do it. It's a goal!

"My goodness, that ball flew into the net like a glorious falcon.

"Look to me, chaps, for my foot is more powerful than Thor's hammer.

"Let's finish these rapscallions off and head back to mine for jam sandwiches and ginger beer."

"Are you all right, Wayne?"

"I don't know. I came over weird when I scored that fucking goal."

You get these hysterical parents, "He swore, now the children will swear." Calm down.

They haven't copied him in the past.

"Where are you going?" "Mother, I'm off granny-banging.

"If it's good enough for Rooney, it's good enough for me.

"Now fetch my Shrek mask."

That isn't the only football story this week. Look what Mohammed Al Fayed has done.

As Fulham football fans arrived at the front

of Craven Cottage stadium on Sunday for a league match,

a controversial statue of the pop legend Michael Jackson was being unveiled at the back.

Have you seen it?

It looks like something you'd get with a Happy Meal.

Obviously the fans hate it.

Cue excellent reaction from Al Fayed.

If some stupid fans don't understand and appreciate

such a gift this guy give to the world,

they can just go to hell.

That's a bit harsh. Imagine being in hell stood next to some bloke, "What are you here for?"

"I ate a baby, you?"

"I didn't like a statue.

"I thought it looked like goat's cheese over a sex doll."

Fulham must be the least family friendly club in the league.

They are called the Cottagers and now they've got a statue of a suspected paedo.

What does their mascot look like, this?

Peculiar news from around the globe.

Let's start with a strange new law in Malawi.

Farting in public is apparently such a big problem in Malawi,

officials want it to be made a criminal offence.

TRANSLATION: We can't allow that. We all fart.

Where do you think we could go and fart? It is no issue to debate upon.

Exactly! You can't ban farting. Sometimes you can't help it.

If my dad lifts something heavy, he will guff like a fat horse.

This is going to change the Comic Relief videos.

Just £5 a month can help Bwembe go to Europe so he can drop his guts.

Loads of blokes hanging their arse over the border.

Argh! Thanks, Lenny Henry.

As you can imagine, the people of Malawi are not taking this sitting down.

TRANSLATION: We all fart in public, it will be difficult to tell who's done it.

Some do it silently. In some cases it's like tear gas that goes sssh.

Sssshhhh!

If my arse made that noise, I would be down the library freaking people out.

That librarian keeps telling me to be quiet and he fucking stinks!

From Malawi to Australia and a novel way to boost the population.

Two of Australia's biggest IVF clinics

have launched an online advertising campaign

to encourage more men to become sperm donors.

They've done so in typically Aussie fashion.

I love the fact you can only see one of his hands.

Have you been to Australia? All their ads are like that, ridiculously blunt.

Socks, your ankles fucking love 'em!

McDonalds... # Da di di da. # Eat it, you dick.

I bet you money the blood bank hit back.

Hey, that's right. That's right.

Staying down under. Here's a headline I never thought I'd see.

A bloke from Melbourne has been attaching a parrot to his windscreen wipers and taking him for a drive.

-Do you want to see the parrot in action?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

One of the videos was shot in a Melbourne back street.

Go, Angus! Good boy, mate!

"I love it out here.

"The wind blowing through my feathers.

"You know, I don't think I've ever been happier."

Another, this one at around 100 kilometres an hour

in the breakdown lane of a busy Melbourne freeway.

"FUCK! Stop the car! Stop the fucking car!"

Poor parrot.

"Who's a pretty boy then?"

"Not me, I've got flies in my teeth.

"Beak, not teeth. I haven't actually got any teeth.

"I'm a parrot.

"I'd do the next joke if I were you, Russ, you look like a dick on national telly."

The bloke is a absolute moron.

Look what he gets angry about.

I am sick of people looking at me and laughing

as I'm driving down the street.

Well, don't Sellotape a parrot to your car then.

As you can imagine, the authorities want this to stop.

-And you're telling people it will stop?

-No,

I'm not going to say it'll stop, I'll think about it.

"Yeah, I am going to think about it, but in fairness I said I would think about going to the dentist."

To be honest, the parrot should count himself lucky, there are worse cars to be attached to.

# It's Friday, Friday... #

APPLAUSE

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

MOUTHS

Time for the mystery guest and, yes, you are right,

I did get beaten up by an old lady last week. Ha-ha(!)

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There'll be a mystery guest from the news. I have to figure out who that person is.

Please welcome my mystery guest.

-Hello. Nice to meet you. I am Russ.

-Jammie.

-Jammie? Nice to meet you.

Please tell me your surname is Dodger and we will go.

-I am guessing scientist.

-You're wrong.

-I'm wrong?

-Why have you got all this stuff then?

-I was given it.

-You were given it.

-By them.

-By them?

-This isn't your stuff?

-No, none of it is my stuff.

This isn't fair, so they dressed you up to look like a scientist.

-What do you do, a matador or something?

-No.

It's something to do with potions, do you make potions?

Not potions. No.

-But I'm close?

-Close.

-Do you make...perfume?

-Do you make perfume?

-I make perfume, yeah.

-What's your scent? Are you Calvin Klein?

No.

-That would have been great.

-Yeah.

-So you make perfume?

Is that why you have been in the news this week?

-Yes, it is.

-For making perfume?

-Yeah.

A perfume called Surplus or "Sur-ploo" if you are French.

-Surplus, OK...

-It's made from the excesses of the body.

From the excesses of the body?

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Well...doesn't sound like

a massive seller. Um...

You are telling me you make poo perfume?

-Yeah.

-You do? You make perfume from...

-Well, it's not just from...

-It's not just from poo?

-It's also from urine and hair.

Oh, I apologise. So it's poo perfume and wee and hair?

-Mm-hm. Do you want to try it?

-No.

-No?

You know, I have a selection of people here. I will sniff it, yeah.

-Cool.

-OK.

GROANING

LAUGHTER

Smells all right, actually. It doesn't really smell...

I need someone to verify it doesn't smell like...

Are you up for it?

Fancy a bit of poo?

Give us a whiff and shout out what that smells like, madam.

I think it smells like my nan.

Smells like your nan?

-APPLAUSE

-Wouldn't that be...?

That would be the best advert for perfume.

Generally it's sexy French models going like that,

it's just your nan going, "I stink."

So how much poo does it take to make one pot of this?

In total I made about seven litres of liquid. That's including...

Do you live alone?

At the time I was.

-You'd get a waft.

-At the time, my girlfriend was in New York.

-She was in New York.

-Did she have any idea you were doing this?

-No.

-Excellent.

"What you doing?" "Nothing, this and that."

HE STRAINS

Explain to me the process from poo to perfume, how does that happen?

That doesn't look or smell like poo.

The simplest way of kind of putting it together would be

that in faeces there is a molecule called skatole which is the smell.

It's the same molecule that makes white flowers smell - like orange blossoms, junipers, jasmines -

it's just in different percentages so in faeces it's like 30%, in white flowers it's about 5%.

So I extracted that through steam distillation process,

which is the traditional method of extracting oils and essential oils from any material

and diluted it down into a more pleasant smell, rather than...

How did you learn all this?

Research and speaking to perfumers and scientists

and experimenting with nose pegs.

Flipping heck, man!

I think you may need a bit of help. I like you,

but that is, you know... Isn't it interesting? Because you are wearing a white coat

and glasses and you have an air of intelligence about you,

we go, "Very interesting." If you said that to me on a park bench,

I'd run away. Now I am going, "How very clever!"

-Isn't that weird?

-Thank you.

-Lovely to meet you,

what a bizarre thing! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my mystery guest.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Now, remember last week, we found the house that looked like Hitler.

Get ready for this.

They found an insect that looks like Elvis and when you see it, it's going to blow your mind.

Truly remarkable. It's like he is in the room!

In fairness, most insects look like people. Some look like sportsmen.

Some look like rappers.

And some look like evil dictators.

This next story is great. Here's a sentence you don't hear very often.

A fireman from Hull has been described as a hero

after giving the kiss of life to a pet dog.

Hero?! Imagine him with the other firemen.

"Just put out a fire, you?"

"I tongued a Labrador."

Did you see how long he worked on the dog?

It was such a rewarding thing to see, the way the fireman was...

He must have been 30 minutes working on the dog.

"30 minutes, it were beautiful.

"The dog came around after two, but he wanted to be sure.

"He was so dedicated, it were 20 minutes before they told him he'd got the wrong end."

My favourite part of the report has to be the reaction of the dog's owner.

I don't think I could have done what he did myself, to my own dog.

We knew what her breath was like.

"I'd have let her die, she fucking stinks!"

Moving away from doggy snogging, meet Bob, he has an unusual hobby.

My name is Bob Gibbons,

I am 60 years of age and I have the world's biggest collection of love dolls.

200 plus.

200 love dolls!

How creepy is that?

Do you reckon he put them on his census form?

"Who lives here?"

"Well, I got Dirty Sue, Busty Brenda, Filthy Maureen.

"And my wife...

"..with her talking and her breathing."

You probably think he keeps them locked away in a shed. Oh, no.

We have them around the house, in the house, in the bedroom.

We have them in the front rooms.

It's like some kind of budget Playboy mansion.

I bet that's the only house where Jehovah's Witnesses go,

"Nah, we'll come back later."

Christ, I've only just seen them bastards.

Bizarrely, his relationship isn't sexual.

OK.

Let's take you on a shopping trip, maybe we will buy something.

That's right, he is taking a sex doll to Tesco.

I have got you something really nice.

"Is it a drawing pin

"so I can end my misery?"

The strangest part of this story, look how much he spent on his hobby.

Probably within £60,000 - £80,000 on actual dolls.

80 grand?! If you like plastic women with dead eyes, you should just go on this.

Time for the good news story.

This is a moving report about Harvey Phillips who lost three limbs to meningitis as a baby

and he's finally taken his first steps.

Diagnosed with meningitis as a baby, Harvey Phillips had both legs

and part of his arms amputated to save his life.

Ever since, six-year-old Harvey has spent his life

trying to be just like his friends.

Fitted for the first time with fully-moving mechanical legs he is setting out on a long road

to learn how to walk with the help of specialists at the Northern General Hospital in Sheffield

and with his usual determination he says he can do it in a week.

It's Harvey, if he wants it, he will do it, basically.

He's impressing us all.

With Harvey wanting "bendy legs" as he called it, we have just gone along

and he has seen other kids with bendy legs, he wants them.

It's just Harvey who has pushed and pushed.

Did you ever envisage you would see him walk like this?

Not at all.

Next on his list, perfecting his moves so he can play his favourite sport - football.

That's what he wants to do in the long run.

With his new legs, it brings him up to the same height as other kids at school,

which is a big bonus for Harvey, as well.

It's looking good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a lovely little fella!

Hope you enjoyed it.

Saturday night, which means it's time for my stand-up guest.

Oh, you're going to love this bloke.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the wonderful Tony Law.

APPLAUSE

All right! Yeah!

YEAH!

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

Yeah!

Just in case you're wondering, I am wearing a special suit,

made of Kevlar. I don't know if you've noticed. It was designed for me by a team of scientists.

What this suit does is it soaks up any negative thoughts you might be having...

and shoots them down my left leg where they'll end up in Liverpool at 2am and violence will ensue.

So don't be there then.

Tricky to get there in that time.

When the team of scientists approached me to wear the suit,

I won't lie to you, I was pretty excited.

I thought, "Finally, clothes won't get in the way of my art."

What if I wore a shirt? "Oh, I love to listen to Tony's art,

"but I can't get past that cowboy-shirt choice."

What if I wore jeans that were too tight and I bent over too quickly and made you feel a bit sick?

I wouldn't have wanted that. I wanted something neutral.

Something that didn't draw any attention to itself.

And I think it's worked out pretty good with the suit.

It's called a unitard. Yeah. Yeah.

My two favourite words all in one.

OK. GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN!

GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN!

Gok Wan! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN!

GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN!

He's not going to say Gok Wan over and over, is he?

GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN!

GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN!

No, Gok!

You lost!

You see...

APPLAUSE

I used to play badminton with Gok Wan in the late '90s. That's how he lost all the weight.

You're welcome, ladies.

That's a brand-new bit. I wrote that on the way here.

I took the Tube and I slept most of the way

so I didn't have a lot of time to spend on it. Basically it just said, "GOK WAN! See what happens."

And there we have it.

You know what, after people have seen me do stand-up comedy,

usually, the first thing they say is, "Tony, you don't know how to do it right."

But the second thing...

they often say to me is, "Tony, have you got any ideas of anything else you'd like to do?"

That was the money shot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right.

I don't care, cos I've written a motion-picture film, and it's already been picked up in Hollywood.

This is my last-ever gig so you're welcome.

I thought... It was in the diary, so I thought, "I'll do it."

I'm just going to read you a bit from my movie. It's pretty mainstream stuff.

I think it's going to go down pretty great.

I'll just do you a little clip from it. OK, OK, here we go.

It's pretty powerful, you know. It's powerful stuff.

OK.

"Who are you?

"Wrong question. You should be asking...

"..why am I?

"All right, then. Why am I?

-"No, no. You're supposed to ask why am

-I?

"You've asked, 'Why are you?'

"Oh, right, sorry, sorry. Got confused.

"You sure this is written down?

"Yeah. This is how the script's supposed to go.

"What, even all this conversation right now?

"Yeah, it's all in it.

"You know what threw me out?

"What?

"Our voices are exactly the same.

"Yeah, I found that a problem, but that's how they cast it.

"Yeah, OK, let's get started.

"Who are you?

"Wrong question. You should be asking when am I?

"Sorry, fucked up. Cos you made the mistake.

"Yeah. That can happen.

"Feels like they're trying to pad this film out with a lot of dialogue

"when there should be some action.

"Yeah, you're right about that.

"You know what it feels like more to me?

"What's that?

"It feels like Tony's doing an improvised bit that has no real ending or way out of.

"Yeah, that's definitely it. He was just hoping for a big laugh to pull out of it.

"Well, he had it about 12 seconds ago and he's missed it.

"There's a good one. He should have got out on that one.

"Ooh, that was a big one. Pull out of the bit! Pull out of the bit!

"No way. There's more in them.

"You're standing up there, pulling the handle on the slot machine. You just want to get more.

"He should have pulled out.

"What? I told you. There's no more laughs.

"There's one.

"It's gone. It's back.

"Now it's only at the back. They're laughing a bit.

"Down at the front, nothing.

"Pull out of the bit! Pull out of the bit!"

I'm going to pull out of the bit now.

But, boy, what a day I've been having today!

All right, clearly, that's a lie,

but it was true once,

and what's wrong with that as a way of getting into your next bit of stand-up comedy?

So let's all use the power of our imaginations

and travel back through time and space

to the day when this was true

and significant enough for me to remember it to tell it back to you,

strangers in a room.

Doo-dle oodle-oodle oo!

It was nine months ago.

Tony, that was too far back.

Try harder!

Doo-dle oodle-oodle oo! In a place called North London.

We can't imagine such a place.

Doo-dle oodle-oodle oo!

And it was a hot day. You remember it.

It was the day we called summer.

Doo-dle oodle-oodle oo!

And I'm pushing my pram along to get on a bus.

And I'm pushing my pram along to get on a bus.

I wasn't doing all the footwork. I was pushing my pram along.

OK, this seems a bit big for a pram, but I am holding a microphone.

Actually, you don't know from the information I've given you, maybe I need a pram this big.

Maybe I've got a weird, giant baby in it.

In fact, if you've got a baby that big, you don't have to put "weird" in that sentence. That's a given.

You'd go, "Oh, God. Look. at that baby. I feel sick, it's so big."

"Yeah, it's weird." "Why did you add that in?"

You don't know. Maybe it's my pram. Maybe it's a "man pram".

I'm sick of turning up at places with nowhere to sit.

"Hey, Tony, welcome to the barbecue. We're sitting on the grass, chilling out."

"Yeah? Not me. I'm getting into my man pram."

"You want some chicken?" "I'll take some of your tiny chicken.

"It's tiny like a pigeon. I'm a giant."

"Tony, you're only sitting far away. You haven't become bigger."

"You be quite with your perspective."

There's a normal-sized and there's two twins in there.

Fuck off. One set of twins...

Oh, language, you beast!

..one set of twins and they've both gone to sleep at the same time.

Anyone who knows anything about one baby going to sleep, it's always haaa!

But two of the little...

treasures,

it's a miracle, especially on my watch.

I think the heat was working in my favour that day.

So there I was with two, dehydrated, passed-out one-and-a-half-year-old twins.

And I'm tired and I'm hot and I'm pushing it along the bus.

I got a bit of speed going and bumped into someone.

Total accident.

But because of the part of the world I was in, I expected it to go one way.

Bumped into him, "Oh, God, sorry."

I thought it'd be, like, "No, no. It's OK. It's hot out there.

"What have you got there? Twins? Double trouble?

"Boy and girl. Get it over with all in one go.

"Fantastic, brilliant."

"Ooh, it's hot. Have my seat."

Something like that. That's how I imagined it to go.

But, no, it didn't go down that way at all.

I bumped into them and they used on me what I think is the greatest put-down in all of language.

You can't come back to it. It's perfect.

I bumped into them and they turned and went...

HE SUCKS HIS TEETH

Only they did it correctly, you know the one.

HE SUCKS HIS TEETH

I hate that one.

You can't come back to it.

You can't come back to it, cos if you're, like,

"Oh, fuck off, you dickhead. It was a total accident. Fuck you,"

they've only done a sound, you've done all that swearing.

What an arrogant prick! I've got to do something, say something.

No, you can't do anything, Tony. You're a mature man now. You've got two children.

You've got to leave it alone.

You've got to do nothing in exactly the same way you would have done before you had children

due to cowardice.

Just let it go and I thought, "No, I've got to do something.

"This is what all my training has been about."

12 years as a stand-up comedian. Doesn't seem like it, but sometimes...

Dig deep in your toolbox, Tony.

You've done those gigs when it's mainly stag and hen dos.

Admittedly, you come off second best every time, but the other comedians do it.

You must have learned something.

Come on, Tony. Dig deep. You've opened for strippers before.

You're against that ethically, but, damn it, you needed the money.

Dig deep, you're doing a cruise. It was a ferry.

Then the idea came to me. Rarely in life do you get an idea that good.

It just popped out of my head and hovered above me

and looked down and reassured me. It went, "Hey, Tony,

"everything's going to be A-OK."

"Are you sure?" "Oh, yeah. I'm the best idea you've ever had.

"It's going to go very well for you.

"Everyone on this bus is going to cheer you off the bus.

"There's going to be a standing ovation and a parade."

HE HUMS "ENTRANCE OF THE GLADIATORS"

Wrong music.

Shut up. There was no time to book it.

"You wouldn't be on an elephant." "Good point. I'll stop my whining."

Then the idea popped back into my head.

I was so filled with confidence and I thought, "You've fucked with the wrong guy today.

"I've just invented a new cultural put-down that's going to be used throughout the ages

"and it's happening to you right now."

Then I had to make eye contact with him, which was very hard to do, cos he was very arrogant indeed.

"I don't want you to miss a thing, cos this is happening right now."

And then I forgot the idea.

As easily as it had come to me, it had gone.

I thought, "Think of something, Tony. Do anything.

"You've got eye contact. Don't let him get away with it."

Then I looked down and my son was looking up at me with doughy eyes.

We'd done some baking that day.

No, I've got nothing, just back out of it. Back out of it.

Then, do it, do it.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

Everyone on the bus was embarrassed. They were moving upstairs.

Even he was moving upstairs.

I thought if I did it longer...

or try to jazz it up a bit.

HE IMITATES A PLANE

We got bogies 12 o'clock. Here comes jerry.

HE IMITATES GERMAN LANGUAGE

Bomber command. Bomber command. This is your upper-middle-class pilot speaking.

This is the only way I can fly this plane in this day and age, what, with the class system and all.

He's fucking right. I'm the rear gunner. I'm 5ft 2 and I'm malnourished.

I'm the only one who can fit in this tiny fucking compartment.

We're getting a lovely cross-section of the war effort here.

I'm the bomb aimer and normally I can do this accent better,

but I'm all bent over and my throat's all jammed up.

I've been hit. I've been hit. Everyone around me has been incinerated and they've all died,

which is lucky. Now the narrative is much easier to follow. It's one character.

I'm parachuting over Northern France.

I hope I land safely in that farmer's field and he's connected to the French Resistance.

Allo, I'm with the French Resistance.

This is my farm. That's lucky for you.

Yes, I'd say so.

Maybe you'd like some cake in the morning. Why not? It's OK.

Yes. It's a bit random, but OK.

Yes, that accent's really terrible.

I have to think they're all bad.

No, no. You weren't there.

So, then I got off the bus...

APPLAUSE

..and...

That's some sort of record for the longest get-off-the-bus joke.

You've been very kind. Thank you very much indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Tony Law.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd