Episode 5 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Oh! Oh! Thank you very much.

Thank you very much indeed.

Hello, and welcome to Good News.

So what have we learned this week?

Well, Rob Smith can't work out if he's still a virgin.

Does a horse count? I'm not sure.

Over at BBC Breakfast, Helen Mirren revealed what she said when she met Justin Bieber.

You little shit.

Got knows what Carol Kirkwood did to Bryan Adams!

Have you ever waved at Phil Collins in traffic?

No, but I have done lot more than that to Bryan Adams.

I'm pretty sure Sian Williams doesn't know what teabagging is.

Why would you want to smell like a tea bag?

And finally, I think this guy's in love with David Cameron.

It's a system so unfair, that the candidates...

# I want to know what love is

# I want you to show me

# I want to feel what love is... #

So the royal wedding is in two weeks. The media coverage has been relentless.

The most anticipated wedding is only about three weeks away.

-Two weeks away.

-12 days to go.

7,000 journalists.

Two billion people watching...

On April 29th.

Even schools are obsessed! They have been having pretend weddings(!)

A mock wedding was held in the village of Alton, but it didn't exactly stick to royal protocol.

Instead, the bride was five years old, the groom was nine and the ring-bearer was an owl.

I think they confused Buckingham Palace with Hogwarts.

It's pretty cool, though.

Wouldn't it be great if Kate and Wills went for these vows?

I will always care for you, I will love you forever,

I promise not to boss you around.

"And I promise not to steal your Play-Doh!"

Some of the kids really got into their roles.

Here's Prince Charles - Camilla slams him!

I always dreaming every night that I'm...

that I'm going to be king the next day.

It will be a while till that happens.

How harsh is that?!

"I'm going to be King!" "Never going to happen!"

The media has gone Kate Middleton crazy - "She's beautiful,"

"She's an angel." The kids, not so sure.

I think Kate is a beautiful girl, but I don't think she's really my type.

Wouldn't it be great if he interviewed another kid who went, "Kate Middleton? God, no.

"I like girls with a bit more junk in their trunk.

"They've got to have that ba-donk-a-donk going on, do you know what I mean?

"In fact, if Beyonce is watching, tell her I'm ready for that jelly.

"I've got a spoon."

Back to the proper wedding - that was a bit sinister, wasn't it? -

back to the proper wedding, have you seen who is going?

The invitations have begun arriving on doormats.

People in Britain and abroad, including David and Victoria Beckham.

I'd love to see Beckham around the royals.

They'd have nothing in common!

Him just stood next to the Queen - "Um... Uh...

"Um..." "Um..."

"When you sing the National Anthem, do you sing, 'God save me?'"

Imagine Victoria meeting Prince Philip. "Hello, I'm Posh."

"Not here, you're not!

"I'm going to give you a new nickname.

"From now on, you're Princess Poundland!"

Mind you, Posh and Becks are going to have fun. The reception sounds amazing.

William and Kate are said to be planning to erect a nightclub

inside Buckingham Palace for a royal knees-up following the ceremony.

Please, please, let the Queen DJ, wouldn't that be amazing?

"E to the L to the I to the Z, Windsor massive, shake your booty!"

It doesn't matter what music they play, we all know this guy will get his grind on.

And it goes a little something like this...

MUSIC: "It's Like That" by RUN DMC

# ..People coming, people going People born to die

# It's like that And that's the way it is... #

The big sporting news of the week was the London Marathon.

Around 35,000 people took part in the London Marathon today.

Did you watch the coverage?

Some of the reporters were so annoying, the runners simply ignored them.

Let's see if we can get one.

This is what you do and even in things like this...

High five for the camera? High five for the camera?

No.

I think I speak for the entire nation when I say, "Ahhh!"

Do you know, a lot of people didn't have sex for a month before the race?

Joe Pasquale obviously not one of them.

It's great. I actually knocked one out last week.

Imagine the noise Pasquale makes at the point of climax -

"Eeeee!"

Dogs all over Britain, "Aahhh!"

Talking of naughty habits, did you see the signs the marathon organisers put up?

"Don't wee in people's gardens!"

My brother got in trouble for doing that last year.

The odd thing, he wasn't even in the race.

He just hates gnomes.

Back to the marathon. The media focus on the elite athletes.

Emmanuel Mutai raises his arms and smashes the course record.

I'd like to focus on the nutters who wore costumes like this.

I wonder if there is someone inside that thing pushing, or pulling.

-There is someone inside.

-I am just wondering...

I hope he doesn't leave a trail behind him, though.

"I hope he doesn't leave a trail behind"? He's not Joe Pasquale!

I watched the whole race. My favourite runner had to be this guy.

A pensioner from Hornchurch in Essex will be the oldest man taking part in this year's marathon.

He's 86, and he's brilliant. Check out his number one running tip.

I get behind a nice bottom.

You get behind...?

A nice bottom, and all the aches and pains go.

Last year it was the nicest bottom I have ever run behind.

Mind you, his plan doesn't always work.

When I got to the finish, I thought, "I must see what she looks like from the front."

It was a bloke with a beard!

"I will never run behind Noel Edmonds again!"

Now, one of the major stories of the week was this:

A pub in London is facing allegations of homophobia

after claims by a gay couple that they were thrown out for kissing.

Jonathan Williams and James Bull were asked to leave the John Snow pub

in Soho after a complaint that their behaviour was obscene.

Obscene? That's ridiculous. How can you throw people out of a pub just for kissing?

In fact, how can you run a pub in Soho and be offended by a gay kiss?

It's like being in the BNP and going, "I fucking love Lenny Henry!"

You always hear bigots going, "Gay men are wrong, it says so in the Bible!"

Yeah, but the Bible also says hedges can talk and every animal in the world can fit on a boat!

It's pathetic. Two men kissing isn't an obscene kiss. This is!

WOLF WHISTLE

Somebody wolf-whistling over there!

The brilliant thing about this story, within hours, the pub had to shut because of this protest.

Around 250 people have gathered here outside the John Snow pub

to show their support to Jonathan Williams and James Bull.

We have had no comment from the landlord of the pub this evening.

The pub itself has been shut for the night, and...

I love that conga kiss in the background.

"What, they're on telly? Right now? Whoa-oh!"

Not everyone was there to protest against homophobia. Some were just looking for a good time.

-I just came to snog people.

-You're just here to snog people?

"I don't care about the issues, I'm just horny!"

I say good on them for demonstrating against this pub,

because when the gay community protests, they do it in style.

There's been some bizarre stories this week.

First up, there is a terrifying new criminal on the block!

A Lincoln couple have received a letter from the police

threatening their unborn baby with an ASBO.

I know criminals are getting younger, but this is ridiculous.

What did his baby scan look like, this?

It's mad, isn't it? A foetus ASBO, what next?

Arresting sperm?

Police bursting into a house, "Get down!"

"Damn it, sarge, she swallowed the evidence!"

"Good girl!"

This has... Sorry about that.

This has to be my favourite quote from the story.

What was he doing, shouting at other pregnant women at a prenatal class?

Just in the bump, # Who ate all the pies?! Who ate all the pies?!

# Swollen tummies, you fat mummies You ate all the pies! #

I tell you what, if they're giving unborn babies ASBOs,

it's really going to change police line-ups.

No.

No.

That's him.

Little fucker!

Elsewhere this week, The Walking Dead has been in the news.

GUNSHOTS

So it's zombies, blood, that kind of thing.

The reason it's made the news is because of the location of one of the posters advertising the show.

Here's the poster.

And here's the business next door.

That's right.

They put it next to a funeral director's.

People are saying it's the worst billboard placement ever.

Rubbish! It's got nothing on this.

Right, on the left, a sign promoting carrot juice,

and what do they put next to it? This lady.

That is... That is certainly one way to get your five a day.

I'm sorry, but this is getting ridiculous! We have had the Hitler house...

We've had the Elvis bug...

The rock'n'roll tree...

Amazingly, the papers have done it again. This week, what have we got?

-Do you want to see it?

-AUDIENCE: YES!

You know you want to!

Incredible!

Mind you, if you look hard enough, most food looks like someone.

Some crisps look like Wookiees...

Some turnips look like singers...

And if you look hard enough,

there are even apples that look a little bit like Katie Price.

Some truly mad crime stories from America this week.

First up, a report about breaking into the wrong man's house.

An 81-year-old Korean War vet is fed up with being a victim,

so he's fighting back.

The man held off this armed robber with a frying pan.

An old man beat up a burglar with a frying pan? He's brilliant.

What about this for a quote?

..And hit him upside the face.

And the potatoes went all over him.

"I hit him upside the face. Potatoes went all over him.

"By the time I was done with him, he looked like a shepherd's pie!"

So you're probably thinking after he twatted him, that was the end. Oh, no!

He wasn't done with the robber after hitting him.

I reached back about six feet away and got this pitchfork,

then I went to work on him.

"I poked him in the groin till his dick looked like a God-damn recorder."

From a bruiser pensioner to a family under siege.

They felt like they were being held hostage in their own home

by a hard-to-believe circumstance.

The situation ended with police having to defend themselves against an unlikely criminal.

So who was this unlikely criminal?

Well, listen to the emergency call.

They were terrorised by a cat!

How does a cat hold people hostage?

I tell you what - where was this lady when you need her?

Finally in crime, a row about a haircut that went wrong.

A dispute during a haircut led to an arrest

and an unfortunate mug shot in Connecticut.

You probably doubt it was that bad. Guess again!

Now, if you think you've got a strange diet, you've got nothing on this lady.

That's what I call a "suite" tooth.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

I had to.

Do you want to meet her? You know you do.

AUDIENCE: Yes!

My name's Adele. I'm 30 years old

and my addiction is eating couch cushions.

Apparently, she suffers from a medical condition

called "mad as fuck".

I'm no doctor but I know what I see.

Have you seen how much she's eaten?

Her guts must look like DFS.

And she'd be crap on Come Dine With Me. "What are we having?"

"Roast futons."

"I'm a vegetarian."

"Well, have a fucking beanbag, then."

She loves it, though. Listen to her describe the taste of sofas.

I love couch cushions.

The way it sits in my mouth. It's soft, it's a good taste.

She must spend ages flushing.

Ah, come on. If you're eating sponge, then every turd is going to be a floater!

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news. I have to figure out who it is.

So far this series I've had snakes, poo perfume and a kung fu granny.

So please welcome my mystery guest.

-Welcome.

-Hello. I'm guessing your name's Jackie.

-That's me. Big Jackie.

-Big Jackie. Am I allowed to call you Big Jackie?

-Yes, that's my name.

Sweet. Lovely stuff.

So, Big Jackie...

If I close my eyes it sounds like I'm on a chat line.

-"Hello, is that Big Jackie?"

-"666, 5595."

Mum, are you on the line?

So, Jackie, I'm guessing this has got something to do with, um...

tiaras and hats. Are you, er... Do you design hats?

-Well, I do sell hair fascinators, but that's not why I'm here.

-Right.

Flipping hell, this is an absolute conundrum.

Um, I don't know. I've got no idea.

Um... Can you give me any other clues?

-Well, I'll just have to reveal myself.

-Right.

Ooh, let's get it off.

AUDIENCE SQUEAL

I think we can all figure out what's going to happen now. I'm going to get beaten up again.

-That's the long and short of it.

-I just happen to be Britain's number-one sumo.

-The first lady to fight in Japan.

-Oh, wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Congratulations.

-What we're going to do...

-Is kick the shit out of me.

I'm just going to show you a few moves, right?

And just what it's like in the ring.

We've got a ring for you and a nappy.

-Have you got a nappy?

-But before that, we're just going to show a few clips.

-OK. Great.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come here.

I'm going to show you some moves.

-OK.

-Don't be frightened.

-I'm not frightened.

-Some training moves first.

-OK.

Sliding feet.

-Now you.

-OK.

And now I'm going to show you how to enter the ring first.

So just step into the ring and bow.

All right. I step into the ring.

-OK.

-Bow.

-OK.

Let's get down on tiptoes now. We're washing the hands.

It's purification.

-LOUDLY:

-Clapping the hands

to get the attention of the gods and show we've got no weapons.

The lucky thing is, if I shit myself, I'm wearing a nappy.

Then we come in together, for an eyeball.

-Good luck with that. I've got a lazy eye.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I look...

I could be there. I've no idea.

-And a bit of slapping on the belt. Ha!

-Aargh!

To frighten your opponent.

Aargh!

-That'll do.

-Yeah.

Now, the rules are, we've got to get our hands down, fists down,

-on the floor, and no-one can start until we've our hands down.

-OK.

Into this position here.

-Get your hands down.

-I'm going. I'm waiting.

-We can't start till the hands touch.

-That's right, we can't, no.

I'm ready, I'm ready!

And then someone's going to shout "hakkeyoi".

-Hakkeyoi. >

-Aargh!

-I'm going to show you some moves.

-OK.

-Right.

We got some lifts that you could do.

-We could just lift you out...

-Ah!

-..and take you out.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Or...there's a knee lift.

-There's a knee lift?

-A knee lift.

Could take you out like that.

That felt so lovely. It was so...

I'm not feeling very well.

It's just nice to be held

and just love me. Has anyone ever broken down and gone, "I love you"?

"Why do we have to fight? Can we not cuddle"?

Just sit down. Just sit down.

-I don't want to be a sumo wrestler!

-Sit down.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, you poor thing!

I'll just pull you round.

You'll be all right.

Ooh! Stop it!

Oh, stop it! You naughty boy!

Oh, stop it!

-I've got cramp!

-So have I.

AUDIENCE HECKLE AND CHEER

Oh, thank you, darling.

-There you go. I enjoyed that.

-Did you?

Somebody get me a cigarette.

That was nice.

You left me there for longer than you had to.

But you're such a nice boy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, how... You know. How do you start all this?

Well, I've progressed, really.

I was a weightlifter and a power lifter,

and then one day, a man came up to me in the gym and he said,

"You look a big girl."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"Do you fancy being a sumo wrestler?"

I mean, obviously, I didn't know it was made...

..literally of cardboard boxes.

-Well, there you go.

-Literally a cardboard box.

-Please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at the latest thing the Chinese government have banned.

Just when you thought the Chinese censors couldn't get more sensitive,

the authorities here have decided to ban time travel

from all television programmes.

Their version of Doctor Who is going to be shit.

"Let's get the Daleks."

"I can't - someone's clamped the TARDIS."

Look at the films they've banned.

And bizarrely....

I love the fact that Austin Powers is going to become this dangerous underground film. People in prison -

"What are you in for?"

"I said, 'Groovy, baby.' "

So, why are China doing this?

Madness! It'd be great to re-write history.

If I could travel back in time, I would prevent the world's greatest evil.

Mr and Mrs Bieber.

-Yeah?

-For the sake of humanity,

use this condom.

-We don't want you having a baby.

-BOTH:

-Baby?

-Baby.

Oh...

Check out the disturbing new way some teenagers are getting drunk.

Some women are soaking tampons in vodka,

inserting them into their vaginas for a quick high on alcohol.

I hope they don't do a flaming sambuca.

Unbelievably, this isn't the weirdest new drinking game.

This next story is even more bizarre.

I had never heard of it until recently.

Beer bongs.

Children, kids, are doing this into their anuses. Literally.

A beer bong up your arse?

That would change the adverts.

Fosters...bad call.

What I want to know, how do you know you're drunk?

Does your arse start slurring its farts?

Pfft.

Fla-ha-ha!

I'd hate to have a drunk arse. It'd be horrible.

You're walking down the street and it's just shouting at girls - "Oi-oi!"

"You don't get many of them to the pound!"

"I'm terribly sorry, madam.

"I have a binge-drinking anus."

She's like, "Don't worry about it, love, I've had five tampons."

Here's a young man who's found a unique way of helping kids in need.

My name is Blake Mycoskie.

I'm the founder and chief shoe giver of Toms Shoes.

Toms originally started about five years ago when I was on a vacation

and I met some volunteers who were helping children get shoes.

I wanted to help, but I didn't want to help just once,

by writing a cheque or making a donation.

Instead, I wanted to create a way to help over and over again.

So instead of creating a charity, I started a business - a for-profit company -

where every time we sold a pair of shoes, we'd give a pair to a child in need around the world,

one for one. So no percentages, no formula, just very simple.

You buy a pair of our shoes, we'll give a pair on your behalf

to a child somewhere that needs a pair.

Seeing the joy on these kids' faces really touched me.

That child will never care about the number of shoes we've given away

or the success Toms has had.

All they care about is that they're getting a brand-new pair of shoes in a loving way.

That is such an awesome experience.

I had an idea, and it was a small idea when we started.

Anyone can make a difference.

You don't have to have it be some huge global campaign.

You can start small, and that's just as important.

There you go.

What a wonderful human being.

So, my friends, it's Saturday night, so it is time our stand-up guest.

This next bloke is brilliant.

Please welcome the wonderful James Acastor!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks. Cheers.

Good to see you all, good to see you.

My name's James, I'm from Kettering, which is a small town mixed with a Weetabix factory.

CHEERS AND LAUGHS

Yeah, you should woop. It's a very popular dish.

You'll eat it in different ways.

Some of you might cover it in yoghurt and honey or strawberries and cream.

Basically, get Weetabix and cover it in anything that tastes better than Weetabix.

Some people get annoyed when I do that bit because I don't list how they eat their Weetabix.

You laugh - in Wolverhampton, it kicked off.

Whoa, you're a cool guy.

You've got a hat on!

-I bet you've got a good phone, as well.

-It's all right, yeah.

Let's get a look.

Pretty cool.

-So...

-Oi!

Unlucky, sucker!

Oldest trick in the book!

I'll compare it to mine, while we're here.

I'll see who's cooler, me or the hats.

You've already seen this fella, this contender, remember him?

Woo!

Woo, yeah.

This looks so wrong.

I could just do the whole gig like that.

Bam!

CHEERING

Yeah.

If you can't see at the back, it's the phone you used to have.

This is actually not as good as it looks.

Because about six months ago, I threw it across a road.

Not on purpose. I gesticulate a lot when I talk, I've got bad grip and

uh, I was making a passionate point outside a pub and then didn't have my phone anymore.

So now, it's got no buttons in it. No buttons in that phone anymore.

For the last six months, because I'm skint, this is how I've been living my life.

I know that looks lame, but from a distance it appears as though I have a BlackBerry.

I've had ladies approach me from across bars for this. Seeing me across the room, just going,

"Oh, he looks quite... Oh, he's just poking an old Nokia with a Biro."

"Get your numbers? Might take a while."

I leave things to the last minute to get new ones anyway.

They always break and then I get a new one. Basically...

Oh, you probably want you phone back.

Everyone's thinking, "He's actually nicked it."

It would be great if I just had loads of good phones. Oh!

I'll tell you a fun fact. I learned the other day that if you have Botox,

on the night you've had Botox, you fall asleep on the side of your face.

You'll wake up the next morning and your eyebrow will have slid from here round to here!

I figured out that if you sleep evenly on both sides of your face,

you'll wake up the next morning and look like your eyes are in brackets.

That's true. I think.

I'm pretty gullible.

When I was nine, my dad took me to London and spent the whole day just lying to me for his own amusement.

The main one he got me with,

we were on the escalators going past the signs for the West End shows that are on,

and he told me that the people who put up those posters

have one of the hardest jobs in the world.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I believed that into my teens.

I had images of them walking backwards on the spot.

"Yes!"

"Time to go home!"

My impression of a man on an escalator.

Pretty good impression, but you guys didn't get to see it.

Pretty sweet. The other impression I can do is someone from Roman times reading a text message.

It's quite a niche impression.

You have no way of checking if it's true.

I'll do it for you, I'll do it with this.

I won't use the Biro, they weren't invented in Roman times.

This is so... This is someone from Roman times, reading a text message.

"20? Oh, no, those are kisses."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The best day out I ever had, I'll tell you this.

I went to Woburn Safari Park...

CROWD: Woo!

Fans of Woburn in, so there should be.

I went with my girlfriend at the time.

Before we even got into the park, it was amazing.

There was a sign on the gate and the sign said,

"There will be no lions in the park today due to strong winds."

I think reading that sign may have been better than seeing a lion.

The things it makes you imagine. "Is a lion really that flimsy?"

"Is the king of the jungle vulnerable to drafts?

"If he is, leave them out, I will pay double for that show."

I figured out how Woburn Safari Park can save a lot of money.

All they've got to do is get rid of the animals and replace them

with vague notices explaining why the animals are no longer there,

to fuel our imaginations.

"There will be no cheetahs in the park today due to slippery grass."

"There will be no zebras in the park today due to zebra Christmas."

"There will be no chameleons in the park today...or will there?"

Me and that girl split up. It's not a sad story, we weren't right for each other.

For example, I used to have a T-shirt... I have loads more T-shirts,

but I had a T-shirt with a drawing of a haunted house on it.

All the little windows were ghosts.

But you couldn't see the ghosts if the lights were on,

because the ghosts could glow in the dark.

CROWD: Oooooh!

She didn't think that was cool.

I know I'm not cool, I was in the Scouts till I was 15. Then they ask you to leave.

I never got bullied at school or anything like that,

I was chatting to my dad about school recently and he was there going,

"You know, James, school's tough for anyone. Don't need to tell you, you got bullied."

I was like, "No, I didn't.

"I've never been bullied at school."

He just went, "Didn't you?

"I just always assumed you did."

Assumed. That means he had watched me leave for school every morning

with my trousers two sizes too small and my Thomas the Tank Engine lunchbox,

and just been like, "Well, I'd bully him.

"Sending our child to the slaughter, Diane, I nearly punched him myself."

My friend Emma into school and another kid hit her in the face with a sock full of acorns.

LAUGHTER

Right, thanks for laughing, because,

when I laughed she got so offended.

She thought I was laughing at the fact she got hurt,

which I wasn't.

What I was laughing at in that sentence

was a sock full of acorns.

That's always going to make me laugh.

If she said, "A kid hit me in the face with a brick..."

LAUGHTER

You laugh now because of the brilliant build-up. Normally, people getting hit with bricks isn't funny.

Unless it's in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York,

when it's hilarious.

Classic.

She wanted to stop me from laughing. This is the worst way to stop me from laughing, ever.

I was on the floor, properly loving it, and she just went,

"Don't laugh.

"It was full, right, up to the heel."

I got poked in the eye once.

Uh...

LAUGHTER

Yeah. Fair enough.

It wasn't in school, it was a couple of years ago

and I had to go to the eye hospital. On the way there, in the cab, I was in denial about how bad the eye was.

I was trying to do a crossword.

I would chew the pen to make it look like I was struggling with the clues

that had nothing to do with the fact that my eye was bleeding.

He dropped me off at the eye hospital,

as I was walking up to the door, everyone was recoiling from my hideous face.

I go to the toilets, assess the damage.

Now, it's pretty bad.

But what really stood out was the river of ink running down my chin.

Because I was chewing the pen. Everyone must have thought, "He can't take care of himself at all!

"Sitting at home, breaking off pens in his mouth, jabbing them in his eye."

You get what you deserve.

Sitting in the waiting room next to a lady.

She asked me how I'd hurt my eye.

This was before I did stand up, I worked in a school with autistic children.

One of them kicked off that day. When I tried to get involved,

the way he responded was,

he got his finger and he ploughed it into my eye.

With a crunch.

AUDIENCE GROANS

When it was in there,

quickly just...

AUDIENCE GROANS

Didn't do any of this.

What he did was, formed a hook,

and, uh, on the return journey...

..dragged his very long fingernail...

AUDIENCE GROANS

..over my eyeball, scratching the surface.

When I told her this, she went,

"Oh, you work with autistic children, that must be so rewarding!"

"Not all the time."

After me and the Woburn girl split up, I went to a house party.

House parties are the worst places to be if you've just split up with someone.

There are two types of people at a house party. Couples and people trying to form new couples.

No-one in between.

I overheard one bloke, quite drunk, lean into a girl and say,

"I can be anything from a horny twat to a knobhead."

That is quite the range to give yourself!

Saying, "I'll always wind you up, but sometimes I'll do it with a boner!"

Even that didn't cheer me up.

I went upstairs to the toilet to get away from everyone,

and I was walking towards the door, it was flung open.

This guy was standing there, and eventually,

he broke the silence and went, "Mate...I love that T-shirt!"

I looked down, I'm wearing the haunted house T-shirt!

My self-esteem has been at rock bottom for a week, now,

with one compliment from a stranger it's like "Bing! Back in the room!"

But then I realised, I'm in a very well-lit corridor at the moment.

Right now, I'm getting a compliment on a drawing of a haunted house.

So far... I could double my money here.

I've never looked so seriously at another human being. I just went,

"You do realise...

"..this glows in the dark?"

He could not pull me in that bathroom fast enough!

Straight in, door shut, T-shirt does its thing with the lights of and he couldn't contain himself!

He's just there going, "That is awesome!" I was like, "Yes, she never appreciated this!"

"There's one coming out the chimney!" "That's the chimney ghost!"

My favourite ghost!

Then that I realised there were three types of people at a house party.

There were couples, people trying to form new couples

and newly single men,

standing in a darkened bathroom, showing their glowing ghost to another dude.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you.

You've been a pleasure to talk to, hope to see you again soon. Goodbye!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for James Acastor!

There you go.

I hope you enjoyed watching Good News.

Have an excellent Saturday and a wonderful weekend.

Farewell, my friends.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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