Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language

This programme contains adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Thank you.

Hello! Thank you.

That was very nice. Hello, welcome to the new series of Good News.

So what's been happening?

On Look North, Leanne Brown revealed a sinister hobby.

Some people collect stamps. I make bombs.

Over on Newsnight,

they interviewed a guy with the most terrifying stare ever.

There are a few politicians out there who have been fanning the flames of this.

Susanna Reid revealed what you need to bring to her orgies.

A saucepan, a wooden spoon and some painkillers.

Now, I'm no expert,

but I'm pretty sure this baby hates being interviewed.

Before we toss it back, we've got to go to Drew, the farm kid.

How you doing there, pally?

He can't say anything right now, but you know what he's saying right now?

E=mc2.

And finally, here's a tip.

If you're going to go on telly,

don't stand in front of a sign like this.

D'Andre Finnie's next court appearance...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So what's been happening? Well, I couldn't keep my eyes off this.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are said to be very angry

that a French magazine has published...

..pictures showing Kate sunbathing topless.

-Topless.

-Topless.

-Topless.

-Topless.

-Topless.

-Topless.

-An amazing pair!

Everyone reacted in exactly the same way. "This is appalling!

"It's an invasion of their privacy!

"I'll just have a quick look."

Come on, everyone looked! I mean, this guy loved it!

People keep saying, "They're shocking photos!

"They're so shocking!" That's not a shocking photo!

I've got one of my brother teabagging a cat.

Don't worry, I'm not going to show you the photo.

But I can show you the cat afterwards.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What made me laugh, the day after the topless photos were printed,

Kate and Wills visited the Solomon Isles.

Did you see who greeted them?

Is it me, or were these ladies taking the piss?

"We've also done a tribute for Prince Harry. Show them, Rodrigo!"

"Wa-a-a-a-ay!"

God bless Harry. He wins my award for Royal Nudist of the Summer.

Everyone's seen his naked Vegas photos,

but I've managed to get hold of a video.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The best thing - check out the getaway driver!

-POSH ACCENT:

-"Go, go, go, go, go!"

Talking of tits, Nick Clegg was back in the news.

A contrite Nick Clegg has appealed to voters to forgive him

for breaking his promise not to raise tuition fees.

We made a pledge, we didn't stick to it, and for that I am sorry.

And how did the public react?

They took the piss.

# I'm sorry, I'm sorry

# I'm so, so sorry

# There's no easy way to say

# I'm sorry... #

It's so catchy, isn't it? "Oh, you didn't make me a cup of tea."

# I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so... #

Not the dance, that's weird.

Did the apology work? Not really.

I mean, look what this guy wants to do to the Lib Dems.

Every single Lib Dem should be dragged out onto the street

and stripped naked and pecked to death by pigeon-chickens

that have got no feet cos they've been burnt off by their own shit!

Whoa!

I've been angry, I've never invented an animal.

"I hate you so much! Release the hippo-mice!"

Poor old Cleggie. He's had a tough week.

Not even his supporters like him.

And these people were big, they were bold.

They, they, you know, they might, even in modern terms,

they might have been quite ruthless, cos they swept aside

a lot of objections,

but they created the infrastructure for a modern society.

We have to rewire the United Kingdom,

both naturally for the digital age, but also in the wider sense.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Not a fan.

Now, the big technology news of the week was this.

'Apple fans have been queuing to get their hands on the iPhone 5.'

Did you see the queues? It's like a nerdy conga!

"What do we want?" "More pixels."

"What else do we want?" "Friends?

"Just a friend to call!"

So how's it gone down? Well, some people loved it.

iPhone 5 is the most amazing, best Apple product ever!

Not everyone agreed.

iPhone 5 is a fuckin' piece of shit.

Apparently he was so angry he was going to release a monkey-badger.

Now...

..I've heard there's loads wrong with this iPhone.

I just hope they fix Auto Correct, don't you?

We've all been burnt by Auto Correct.

Have a look at this poor girl. This actually happened on her phone.

Luckily, there's help on hand.

And this was the reply that broke the family.

U-U-U-URGH! NO-O-O-O!

# I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm so, so sorry. #

Over in the US, have you seen the latest way

they're trying to stop drink driving?

'Talking urinals have been introduced in the US

'to encourage men not to drink and drive.'

Talking toilets?!

"I was going to get shitfaced, but the toilet fairy said no!"

It gets weirder! For some reason, they only have female voices!

FEMALE VOICE:

-SLURRED:

-"Why don't you do yourself a favour

"and drink my piss, you moany bitch?

"Eh?! You don't know me!"

How weird would that phone call be?

"Hello? You need to pick me up! Why? Cos the toilet told me!

"Yeah, the toilet says I'm a danger to society!"

Not that the toilet is always polite. Check this out.

It's brilliant.

'Check out the most risque track on this potty playlist.'

'Don't drive drunk.

'If you do and you get arrested, the next urinal you pee in

'will be in jail, with a hairy guy named Bubba standing behind

'asking you to pick up the soap and be his bitch.'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How full-on is that?! What if you weren't even drinking?!

You're just having a wee and the toilet's like,

"You're going to get raped!" "Eh?! I'm just drinking J20!"

Apparently - this is even weirder -

they're going to have male voices in the ladies.

Never going to work, you just know somebody in the factory

will programme it to say this.

Giggity!

You know they're doing that. It's the first thing you do.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mind you, that has got nothing

on the way they're trying to stop people drinking in Finland.

What you're about to see might just be the creepiest and most terrifying

public service announcement anywhere in the world right now.

Holy shit!

How scary is that?!

Can you imagine what your face would look like

if you saw that more than once?

Everyone knows who they are... LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

It's so ridiculous. I've seen my dad drunk many times.

Not once has he ever turned into a fucking rabbit.

"All right, son?" "Dad!"

My mate's a dad. When he's pissed, he doesn't become a monster.

He looks like this.

Have you seen how they're trying to stop people talking in cinemas?

'My name is Catherine Small and I am a cinema ninja.'

'The role of a cinema ninja'

is to basically help the cinema

stop any naughty behaviour in the cinema.

So let me get it straight. They're trying to keep noise down

by creeping up to people in the dark?

"Excuse me..." "FUCKING HELL!

-"What you doing?!"

-HE WAILS

HE GIBBERS

"I've shat myself, you pervert!"

HE GIBBERS

HE WHINES

Mind you -

pre-warning, this is my silliest joke ever, but I fucking love it -

I'd love to see their war cry.

SINGS PEARL AND DEAN THEME MUSIC

Shh.

The silliest joke. That's the silliest joke you'll ever see.

Now, staying in the world of cinema, this story's amazing.

A man in a theatre in downtown Sparks

accidentally shoots himself in the buttocks while watching a movie.

As you do. Now, was the film stopped?

Was he screaming in agony?

Oh, no.

Witnesses say the subject then stood up,

apologised to the crowd and took himself to the VA hospital.

He apologised!

"I'm terribly sorry, I appear to have fired a gun into my rectum.

"I've literally put a cap in my ass.

"Enjoy the film.

"I'm in real trouble!"

I love the fact he drove himself to the hospital.

He's just fired a shot there. Imagine the poor nurses.

Imagine trying to keep a straight face

when he tells you what happened.

"You did what? Did you? Shot in the...in the bum, yeah?

"..I've just got to take some files over here.

"Mary? You see that man over there?

"That man's got two arseholes."

Over in Russia, a cartoon is in hot water.

Russia's TV stations are considering

banning some of the nation's best-loved children's cartoons.

Why? Are they too violent? Are they racist?

Some argue that Russia's equivalent of Tom and Jerry,

called Nu, Pogodi!,

is harmful to children.

That's because the wolf chasing the hare is a smoker.

They're banning cartoons cos the wolf's having a fag?

Like there's five-year-olds, "Why am I smoking?

"I seen a wolf do it."

It's ridiculous. Kids aren't stupid.

I was a huge fan of Transformers when I was little.

I never had a chat with a lorry.

"All right, Optimus?

"Someone's quiet today!"

Just my mum, "Oh, God, Russell's talking to the lorry again."

"Shhh! Mum's onto us, Optimus.

"I'll see you later, my friend."

I never stroked a lorry, I should point out!

Mind you, it isn't just smoking that's upsetting people.

Cheburashka and his friend Gena the crocodile

have also come under fire

from conservative groups for having homoerotic overtones.

What indeed. They're annoyed that a wolf and a crocodile

might have a gay relationship.

Christ, if they think that's homoerotic,

they should watch Big Cook, Little Cook.

Be careful, Ben!

Ohhh!

Oh, no!

Don't worry, Ben. I'll just lick it up!

Mmmm. HE LAUGHS

Now, what I want to know...

HE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

It's the joy, isn't it? It's the joy. What I want to know,

why would a wolf have a gay relationship with a crocodile?

Think about it. It'd be the scariest blow job ever!

"I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow you till your eyes pop."

It's so stupid.

I mean, what do these bigots want this cartoon to look like? This?

'Hello, Mr Wolf!

'Mr Wolf has stopped smoking,

'which means he can get more air into his lungs.'

-HE INHALES DEEPLY

-Ahhh!

'Which gives him more energy for gay-bashing!

'Go on, Mr Wolf!'

APPLAUSE

From Russia to Holland, a fantastic story about revenge.

He made his room so girly, he turned his brother into a horse.

Nee!

Nee!

Nee!

NEIGHS EXAGGERATEDLY

I've been angry before - I've never gone full pony!

"I can't believe you've done this!"

"Oh, look, I've got glitter in my hooves!"

BLOWS LIKE A HORSE

I love this next bit. I could watch it for hours.

Listen to the pity in his voice.

No, your big brother is a legend.

Now, some people are saying it's the meanest prank ever.

I don't know. I think this is worse.

Just like that.

-Where's the log at?

-It's right by your feet.

I just throw it?

Ohhh!

APPLAUSE

Over in Australia, if you think your working conditions are strict,

check this out.

A large catering company servicing private schools and nursing homes

has made an unprecedented threat against its workers.

It will dock their pay more than 1,000 dollars if they burn toast.

A grand if they burn toast?!

I tell you, if I worked there, I'd make it like this.

How harsh is that?! 1,000 dollars if you burn toast.

Can you imagine how tense that canteen's going to be?

Hello. Can I have some toast, please?

MUSIC: "O Fortuna" by Carl Orff

Nooo!

GUN CLICKS

GUNSHOT

Mind you, there are worse punishments

if you're a bad cook.

Be careful, Ben!

Ohhh!

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news. I have to figure out who that is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, mate.

-Hello.

-Hi, all right?

-Hiya, man. I'm good, how are you? Are you well?

-Yeah, not too bad, yourself?

-I like your vest.

LAUGHTER It's a bit scary, eh?

It is a bit scary, but you should have come fully dressed.

I thought about it, but it's meant to be giving you a clue.

-What, you've got your pythons out?

-Nah.

-A little like drainpipes, eh?

-They look lovely. Erm, OK,

so it's presumably got something to do with shaving.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Are you the world's fastest hairdresser?

-Not hairdresser, no.

-Not hairdressing. You don't do vajazzles, do you?

LAUGHTER

Any other clues? I'm going to need more clues.

I work with a vibrator in my hand all day long.

LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING

-I couldn't do it without it.

-You couldn't do your job without holding a vibrator?

-Serious job. Serious job.

-Do you know, imagine trying to do a comedy show on telly, and there's...

MIMICS VIBRATING NOISE

Unless you gave it a little mouth,

you'd have the most erotic ventriloquist act ever.

"How are you?" "I'll tell you how he is, dirty bastard!

"Oh, the stories we could tell!" "Not now, Barry!"

LAUGHTER

-Do you put it on someone's head?

-Well, not someone's head, no.

-Not someone's.

-No. It's not human related.

It's not human related.

-This is sounding dodgy now. It's just got worse.

-Sounding dodgy now.

It sounded fairly dodgy when you said, "I work with a vibrator in my hand."

OK, so, it's something to do with animals,

you hold a vibrator in your hand, and...

Um, are you on a register?

No. LAUGHTER

So, why exactly are you in the news?

I was English sheep shearing champion,

and I can shear them in just about 26 seconds.

You can shear a sheep in 26 seconds?

-That's worth a round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

-That's one of the few animals you're allowed to shave and it's not weird.

-LAUGHTER

Thank God for that. So how did you get into that?

Well, I bought my first sheep when I was, oh, about 16,

and I was too tight to pay someone to shear him, so...

-Do you know, I bought a Game Boy when I was 16.

-LAUGHTER

So, are we going to do any shearing? Have we got any sheep back there?

Hopefully we're going to give you a bit of a crash course in shearing a sheep.

-See how good or bad you are.

-Sweet.

-We've actually got sheep back there?

-Yeah.

-So, hang on,

-sheep have been watching this show backstage?

-Yeah.

"Very good, actually, I'm quite enjoying this."

"Isn't his eye wonky?"

-Awesome. What are they called? What are we dealing with?

-Frank.

Frank. Just Frank?

-You'll get pretty intimate with Frank.

-Will I?

LAUGHTER

-OK.

-Shall we watch a quick clip, and see how we get on?

-Right.

# Who would've thought that you and me

# In it together, one up on me

# Oh!

# That's not to say

# We're doing it your way

# Tiger blood. #

SHEEP BLEATS

APPLAUSE

Hello!

Oh, you feel like my bed covers.

LAUGHTER

-I think he likes you, eh?

-He's a lovely fella.

Right, we turn Frank up. RUSSELL GASPS

It feels... He's got a massive bellybutton. It's weird.

-That's not his bellybutton.

-Is that his dick?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In which case, he's got a tiny dick.

Just give it a go. If I show you the first little bit, and then you can have a go.

-Yeah, you do it, yeah.

-You'll have to have a go.

Yeah, you say that, but...

We did all the tricky parts earlier, so you didn't cut his knob off, or anything.

Yeah.

-That was the main part.

-You'd struggle with that. Jesus.

Um, right.

SHEARS BUZZ

-We take his belly off, first.

-It's like the most weird striptease I've ever seen.

Oh, my God! Not his head! Not his head!

As you're moving him round, you're getting him into the position where he always feels comfortable.

-Great(!)

-We hope.

-SHEARS STOP

-Right, I'll do... I'll do a little bit.

APPLAUSE

-Do you want me to hold him and you shear him?

-Yeah.

So, if you hold onto this.

I'm a clumsy prick. I'm going to kill him.

-LAUGHTER Are you ready?

-I pull it down, do I?

SHEARS BUZZ That's what it feels like in your hands.

Oh, God! I'm so sorry, Frank.

Just guide it along his skin. That is designed to not cut him.

-Oh, God!

-See? You've cut some!

Oh, God! I feel so... I don't like it. I don't like it!

You'll be all right.

You're being a bit soft, eh?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There, you finish him off.

Hopefully Frank will sit still and we can finish.

Wahey! There you go!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There you go, you can have a stroke of Frank, there.

You look better now.

But I preferred your afro.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the fastest shearer in England.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Cheers, mate. And, of course, Frank!

CHEERING

Big news in the world of art.

Have you seen the latest exhibit at the National Gallery?

Now, the artist who dressed up as a bear

as part of his award-winning entry to the Turner prize five years ago

has now set up a peepshow in the centre of the National Gallery.

Visitors are invited to spy through small holes, blinds and a keyhole

at a naked woman in a bathroom.

Hmm!

I wonder what Jon Snow thought of that? I bet he was bloody outraged.

Quite a small peephole, I thought.

LAUGHTER

Son of a bitch!

Not my favourite art story this summer. That was definitely this.

An elderly Spanish parishioner has shocked her local community

by trying to restore a prized fresco of Jesus by herself.

Have a look at what she did.

This is what the original painting looked like.

This is how it has been left.

-LAUGHTER

-Have a look at it again!

Look at that.

It looks like a Wookiee sex doll!

See what she did to Mohammed? Me neither, I'm not an idiot!

People are really upset. Did you hear?

They're saying, "Jesus doesn't look like that."

And you're like, "How do you know? Maybe he was a munter!"

Wouldn't it be great if Jesus came back and said,

"That looks exactly like me!"

"It's exactly the same"

"Nice work!"

Come on, man. I've seen worse things happen to a face.

Be careful, Ben!

Take a look at this story from Afghanistan.

A British soldier in Afghanistan

who apparently didn't know she was pregnant

has given birth to a baby boy at Camp Bastion.

She was pregnant in a war zone. How hard is she?

I bet the baby came out like this.

LAUGHTER

"Look alive, assholes!"

Mind you, pregnant women on the front line would be amazing.

They wouldn't need weapons. Their hormones would be enough.

"Oi! Taliban! Fuck o-o-off!"

"Somebody give me a back rub, yeah!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is wonderful. This is an inspirational story

about a little boy and an amazing journey.

Walking to school is an everyday event for most children.

But for Evan Whitton,

this is a turning point in his life.

He has cerebral palsy

and was unable to walk at all

before an operation in America last year.

Today, for the first time, he's walking with his mum

and the rest of his family to his school in Silsden.

When we first got the OK to have the operation,

it was just such a pipe dream.

But it's come true, really.

It's part of Evan's big journey and it's come true.

The school is about half a mile from where Evan lives.

The walk's tiring, so he takes a break and chats to mum Linda.

-You up for the rest of the walk?

-Er, yep.

Are you going to get there with a smile on your face?

Thank you to all my family.

It's the greatest experience I've had in my life.

Ah, that's nice.

I thought this experience was going to be really scary,

but it turns out not.

-Well, that's good!

-LINDA LAUGHS

You are funny!

-CHILDREN:

-Evan! Evan! Evan!

Almost an hour after leaving home,

Evan's given a hero's welcome at Hothfield Juniors.

CHEERING

Today was the first time he'd ever walked to school,

but he's determined it won't be the last.

Quality, isn't it? How lovely is that?

APPLAUSE

Next up is a very funny lady.

She was brilliant at the Edinburgh Festival this year

and is already a big star in her home country.

So please welcome the wonderful Felicity Ward!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Hello, how are you going? Are you well? You good? AUDIENCE:

-Yeah.

Yes? I thought I'd start with the first joke that I ever wrote.

-Would you like to see the first joke I ever wrote?

-Yeah!

I'm going to show you anyway, so you may as well get excited about it.

I wrote it a long time ago

and I wrote it back when Russell Crowe used to smile,

so I don't know if it'll still translate. All right, here we go.

HUSKY VOICE: Sexy legs.

GIRLY SQUEAKING

There's more.

HUSKY VOICE: Inbred sexy legs.

That's the first joke I ever wrote!

I was 11 when I wrote that but I was actually onto something

because the amount of fingers that you use in something

is directly proportionate to how unsexy it is.

Like you think about in advertising

and they often have a woman sucking chocolate off a single finger.

So one finger...

Mm...

A little bit sexy, eh?

Five fingers.

Uurgh! It's not as sexy, is it? Aaah!

"Try the new..."

Aaaagh.

"..Magnum Orgasma." Aaaagh!

I'm saying it's hard to sell an ice cream

with a chocolate covered fist in your mouth, that's all.

So one finger - a little bit sexy.

Five fingers - not sexy at all.

Two fingers...

..means something different, doesn't it?

Um, I...

Sadly my sister and her husband had an accident about 18 months ago

and they've called her Maggie, which is adorable.

So I have a niece now, which is lovely. But I have a theory on kids.

I think kids are still at a good age if you can move them out the way

by the head.

No, you know, when you go, "Move over there. Move over there, please.

"Sit down. Sit down or I'll push on the soft spot." So...

I can't wait for my niece to be like three or four.

You know when kids start having a tantrum

and they get distracted halfway through?

You know when they go... SOBS AND WHINGES

WHINING ABATES

WHINGES Then they've got to decide what's more important -

the tantrum or the shiny thing. Tantrum or...

WHINES AND WHINGES

MUMBLES

WHINGE ABATES

ALMOST A WHISPER

Ah, puppy. Aaaaaah!

I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s,

but I could just never lure them into my car.

Oh, I'm joking. I'm joking. I don't have a licence. Um...

Now, clearly I'm not from here.

The reason I came over here a couple of months ago

was for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival

and, man, they call Paris the city of romance.

They're wrong. I think it's Edinburgh.

There are romances everywhere. Like even in the graffiti.

Like every day on my way to work, just written on the pathway,

apropos of nothing, it just had "Steven loves cock".

And you just see...

It is like having rose petals thrown at your face, isn't it?

Just like stepping over a candlelit dinner.

But what I love is, because the entire city is cobbled,

while I'm there it's just like watching

hundreds of drunken women in high heels

just doing battle with the ground.

Like in any other city, like in London,

you know how you wear high heels and you catch a divot and you recover?

You know how you do the...

whoop?

You know how you do that when you're walking along?

You do the whoop and you make that noise - wu...uh.

Edinburgh is just an entire city of divots.

Just teenagers in their mothers' shoes going, "Hiya!"

My favourite thing while I was there was on this guy -

as wide as he was tall - and he just had this T-shirt

that just said, "Sex, drugs and sausage rolls."

And I thought, "You deserve all three of those, sir.

"And none of them are coming from me."

I stopped drinking alcohol a couple of years ago

because I found out I'm allergic to it.

What happens is I drink

and then my skin just breaks out into acting like a fuckwit.

Just head to toe in it, really.

It's a lot of, "What do you mean, I can't piss here?"

You know, the usual.

Concrete, porcelain - what's the difference really?

"Why isn't this flushing?" "It's a parking meter." "OK..."

So because I don't drink any more, I had to take up a hobby.

And the hobby that I've chosen

is I started collecting puns in shop titles.

Whatever, you've probably got "friends". So, um...

I've got this big, long list but I've got two runners-up and a favourite.

Right, the first runner-up is a pie shop.

I found it while I was over here. This is years ago.

Now, if you had a pie shop you could call it The Pie Hut,

you could call it Pies R Us.

But why would you bother if you could call it Pieminister?

SQUEALS

SQUEALS

SQUEALS

Pretty good. Pretty good but not the winner.

There's another runner-up. There's a kebab shop called Abrakebabra!

How is that not the winner?!

It's not the winner. The winner, ladies and gentlemen,

came in the form of a phone call.

My friend knows that I do this and he called me up and he said,

"Are you sitting down?"

And I said, "What is it?" He said, "I've found it."

I said, "What is it?" He said, "It's a halal store."

I said, "What's it called?"

He said, "It's called Halal, Is It Meat You're Looking For?"

Lionel Ritchie and Islam together at last!

# Halal, is it meat... # But what happens now

is people know that I do this,

so they sent one to me and I've got a new favourite.

There is an Indian restaurant called Poppadom Preach!

I recently had quite a significant birthday.

Um, I just turned 21, thank you. And...

No, I just turned 30 - two years ago and, um...

I'm 31, I'm nearly 32. I'm dying is what I'm saying.

I am gently dying every day and they can't tell me how long I've got.

And, um, when you are hurtling towards the great nothingness,

you start to prioritise, you know.

The Bucket List and other Morgan Freeman films.

And, um, so I started doing things I've never done before

and I went to a beautician for the first time.

They make me very nervous but the lady was very nice. I went in there

and she was waxing my legs

and in the middle of it she stood up and she said,

"Just while I'm waxing your legs,

"would you like me to wax your toes as well?"

"Sorry? What?"

"While I'm waxing your legs, would you like your toes waxed?"

And I said, "No, thank you.

"No! And would you like to know why?

"Because I'm not a gibbon and I'm not a Hobbit, yeah!

"So let's just stick to the arrangement - a half leg

"and my arsehole is fine, thank you!"

That's rude.

All the dudes watching going...

.."Do you think she's got a hairy arsehole?"

"I don't know. She's got a lot of hair on her head.

"She doesn't have a tache. I don't know."

"Maybe it's very location specific."

It's all part of the mystery!

Does she have a hairy arsehole? Doesn't she have a hairy arsehole?

There's only one way to find out!

I'm going home alone is what I'm saying.

I don't know if it's better to be in a relationship or to be single.

When you're in a long-term relationship

you get into routines, you know?

You're like, "Er, he likes that." You like that.

"He doesn't like that." And what happens is...

I hated wearing gloves. And what happens is,

when you become single, you have to find out

all the answers to those questions again

and sometimes there's only way to find that out and that's the sad,

humiliating "why are you sticking a spoon in my arse" kind of way.

Apparently not everyone is into that.

Frigid. So I...

For a while I really... I still want to be single

when I'm 50 cos I want to turn into

one of those revolting, old, lecherous women

that crack on to younger men. You know those ones that go...

.."Oh, yeah. Play the drums, do you?

"Well, you can have a crack at these bongos. They sit a bit lower

"than they used to but you can still get a good sound out of them. Ha-ha!

"No, no, I can't eat chocolate, goes straight to my thighs.

"Just like the men." "Aaagh!"

"Don't talk with your mouth full, doll." "Aaagh."

It's all right, it's mime, it hasn't happened yet.

But there's still time.

Um...

I don't like cats. I know that's not controversial.

I don't like cats - they're horrible, arrogant pricks.

That's what they are.

I'm sorry, if you own a cat you should know this already.

If you don't own a cat, you have made the correct decision.

If you own more than two cats, you are some plastic bags

and a trolley away from being a proper cat lady - really!

"Come on, Mr Bingles." "Meow!"

This is my issue with cats -

and I used to own one so I'm not speaking out of school here -

you'll be eating dinner and they jump up on the table,

the dinner table, and they're like, "Oh, sorry.

"Are you eating dinner?

"God, that is so rude of me.

"Should I just, um...

"Should I just, um...

"Should I just, um...

"..sit here and lick my vagina in front of you?"

And they look you in the eye while they're doing it!

"Ow. Ow. Ow. No, you can't move me off the table

"with your hands if you're eating dinner. Ow. Ow. Ow."

My mother is very proud of me.

Lucky I'm wearing leggings tonight, eh?

Be a very different show!

One more suited to Bangkok

than the UK, perhaps? I, um...

I love dogs. I bloody love a poodle. I've got a poodle.

If you're ever having a bad day,

guaranteed way to cheer yourself up, right? First, you need a poodle.

So if you don't have one, steal one. You can give it back.

That's legal here, isn't it?

So you steal a poodle, take it down to an open body of water.

Come with me, it's OK.

And then you pick it up and you walk towards the water

as if you're going to go in and they start swimming in the air!

It's the greatest thing you've ever seen!

Just a tiny poodle in panic just going...

You're going to love it. I love it so hard.

I love dogs for so many reasons

but the reason that I love dogs the most is that without a dog

I'm just a lady in a park

holding a plastic bag full of steaming shit, you know?

With a dog, I'm environmentally responsible.

Without a dog, I am mentally unstable.

I cleaned up after myself!

And put it in a bag.

Just by a show of hands,

has anyone here had a birthday in the last 12 months?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

You know only half of you put your hands up?!

That's a problem - you should see someone about that.

But, um, we actually have a birthday song that we sing in our family.

And I would like to sing it tonight.

And I would like to ask whose birthday it is

but I don't give a shit. So I'm just...

I'm just going to pick you, ma'am.

I'll presume that it's your birthday tonight.

I know, it's your lucky night, huh?

And I would ask your name but I'd prefer it if your name is Knuckles.

So tonight I'm going to call you Knuckles, OK?

So this is the birthday song that we sing in our family.

All right, this is for you.

Might need a nappy and a stackhat cos this shit's about to get real.

# Knuckles, it's your birthday

# And I just wanted to say

# What everyone else has said to you

# Tonight. #

DRUNKENLY: Happy birthday, you dickhead. Yey!

Now, we've known each other for a long time so I can say this, OK?

Sometimes you can be a real wanker.

Now, listen! Listen! Listen!

Here we are... Ssh! I'm coming, coming... Ssh!

I know you think you're better than me.

I know you sit there with your shirt and your face

and you think you're better than me.

But it hurts, you know. It hurts in here and...

WHINGES INCOHERENTLY

GAGS

No, I got it. I got it. I got it.

GAGS I got it.

I got it. GAGS

I got it. GAGS

I got it. GAGS

I don't know if I got it. Hmmmmmmm.

Hmmmmmmm. Hmmmmmm.

Hmmm. Eughk... Eughk...

Phrrrr.

I want a KFC. Do you want a KFC?

# Happy birthday-ay-ay. #

Happy birthday, Knuckles.

I've been Felicity Ward, you have been lovely.

Thank you for having me. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Everyone, Felicity Ward!

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd