Episode 11 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello, hello, hello!

Welcome to Good News. One of the highlights of doing this show

is that it allows me to pick loads of great comics

to come on and give us a stand-up set, and this is a special edition

with my favourite comics that you've seen on the series

and a few unseen bits, so enjoy.

Because I don't drink any more, I had to take up a hobby, and the hobby

that I've chosen is I've started collecting puns in shop titles.

Whatever! You've probably got friends, so, erm...

I've got this big long list, but I've got two runners-up and a favourite.

Now, the first runner-up is a pie shop,

and I found it while I was over here. This was years ago.

Now, if you had a pie shop, you could call it the Pie Hut.

You could call it Pies R Us.

But why would you bother...

if you could call it Pie Minister?! Mmmmmh!

Mmmmmh!

Mmmmmh!

Pretty good, but not the winner.

Another runner-up, there's a kebab shop

called Abra Kebabra! Ahhh!

How is that not the winner? It's not the winner.

The winner, ladies and gentlemen, came in the form of a phone call.

My friend knows that I do this and he called me up and said,

"Are you sitting down?"

And I said, "What is it?" He said, "I've found it."

I said, "What is it?" He said, "It's a Halal store."

I said, "What's it called?"

He said, "It's called Halal, Is It Meat You're Looking For?"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lionel Richie and Islam together at last!

But what happens now is, people know that I do this

so they sent one to me and I've got a new favourite.

There is an Indian restaurant

called Poppadom Preach!

I come from a country that's going through difficult times,

but I also just love hanging out with me friends

and love hanging out with me family.

My mum is amazing, right, like every other one's mum is great.

But she's got a great ability, like any Irish mother, to ask me

a question and then answer that question within the same sentence!

It's ridiculous.

I spoke to my mum on the phone last year, last September,

and this was the exact conversation that I had with my mum on the phone.

She rings me up and goes, "Andrew." I said, "Yes, Mammy?"

She says, "Come here, do you know your brother Ian?"

"No, no, no, never heard of him."

Of course I know my brother Ian, right?

He's me brother, I've known him all me life, it's ridiculous.

She goes, "Well, I just wanted to tell you something

"about your brother Ian." I said, "What's that, Mammy?"

"Your brother Ian is thinking about proposing

"to his girlfriend on Christmas Day."

I said, "What are you telling me that for? It's September."

She goes, "Well, I just wanted to warn you

"that if your brother rings you on Christmas Day

"to tell you that he's engaged, I want you to act surprised."

I was like, "Why don't you just not bloody tell me, then?

"And I'll be surprised!"

I now have to assume a role that I'm not comfortable with!

And then on Christmas Day last year,

my brother did get engaged on Christmas Day, but guess what?

He never rang me. He sent me a text.

Sent me a text on Christmas Day.

One word, no emotion. "Engaged."

I didn't know, was he getting married or locked in a toilet?

I wasn't sure of the scenario.

So what I did was, I rang my mum back up on Christmas Day,

cos I had Christmas here in England.

I rang her up and went, "Mammy." She goes, "Yes, son."

I said, "Come here. Do you know your son Ian?"

She went, "I do, yeah, yeah. I've heard of him, yeah."

I said, "Well, he's just after sending me a text to tell me

"that he's after getting engaged." She went, "What? He's engaged?

"He's not told me yet, now you bloody spoiled my surprise as well."

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-OK, so, erm, this first song

that I'm going to do for you,

this is a song that comes all the way from Australia, where I'm from.

And I want you guys to really give it up.

This goes out to all the joeys out there, the kangaroos,

all the wallabies, the bilbies, all of those, OK?

So here we go.

HE BEATBOXES

BEATBOXING PLAYS ON LOOP

-BASS VOCAL IMPRESSION:

-Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah! Wah-wah-wah, wah-wah!

Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh! Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah!

Oo-ooh!

# Come on, come on, yeah!

# Come on

# Sometimes, 85,365 people and stuff... #

HE RAPS GIBBERISH

# ..underwear, it's my underpants and my trousers... #

HE RAPS GIBBERISH

# ..glass of milk... #

HE RAPS GIBBERISH

# ..Zoom-zoom, what? Zoom, what? Zoom, what?

# Put your hand in the cookie jar

# Put your hand in the cookie jar

# Put your hand in the cookie jar

# Put your, put your, put your hand

# Put your hand, p-p-p-p-p-p Put your hand in the cookie jar

# Put your hand in the cookie C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c

# Put your hand in the cookie jar

# Yeah, come on, come on, yeah. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I went to my Arabic barber and had a wet shave today for the show.

I tried to look my best for you,

and erm...I love having a wet shave but it's quite tense.

You've got an Arab...

..a Jew...

..and a blade...

..and the news on in the background.

But it's tense at my barber's cos my barber doesn't know my name!

You know those friendships, like with the milkman,

when you swap names on the first day and never get their name again?

After ten years, you can't ask someone their name.

My barber's name is on his shop front.

Get this, my barber's called Ali, Ali the barber!

I'm going to play a practical joke on Ali.

I've decided that the biggest high in life

you can possibly get is a cringe.

Above falling in love, above seeing your baby being born,

when you intentionally embarrass yourself in public

and that rush goes through your body and you go,

"Ohh, I can't believe I just got my cock out in Sainsbury's.

"Has that made it more than six items?"

But that rush, that's a great feeling,

but you can't enjoy that feeling

cos society's told you it's not a nice feeling.

Next time you cringe, get into it and enjoy it, it's amazing.

I'm going to give Ali the biggest cringe buzz ever.

Listen to this idea carefully, you have to use your imaginations.

If you haven't got one, pretend.

Next time Ali's shaving me, I'm going to turn around and say,

"I've known you for ten years and I consider you to be my friend, Ali."

And he'll say, "I consider you to be my friend...my friend."

And I'll say, "D'you know what I do for a living?" He'll say, "No."

I'll say, "I work with profoundly deaf people and mute people.

"It's my birthday next week, I want you to come to my party.

"It'll be me, you and my seven other best friends who are all mute."

Let's be honest, what could be more awkward than going to

a birthday party on your own where you don't know the host's name

or any of his mates, and they're all mute?

I'll tell you, when they bring on my birthday cake

and you've got to sing Happy Birthday...

..to a bloke whose name you don't know with seven mute people.

I'm not one of these hardcore atheists, though.

I don't hate religious people.

If you are religious, beautiful, fantastic, well done, you.

I wish I could have that faith.

Wish I could have that belief system, but I went to school, so...

Makes it a little bit difficult.

Damn you, logic, and, er...

But I'm really not... really not against religion.

My entire side of my mum's family is very religious, entire side of my dad's family is very religious.

I've got an uncle who's a minister.

He's 5ft 2in, so we call him a mini-ster.

He does that annoying thing that a lot of religious people do, where

he quotes the Bible at me in random situations and expects it to help.

Like, "Daniel, you will know the Truth,

"and the Truth will set you free."

"John, 8,32."

What?

Can I do that? Can I randomly quote stuff at people?

"If you want to know what a man is truly like,

"look at how he treats his inferiors and not his equals."

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire!

Page 410, right?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Same thing, same thing.

Good quote, made-up source, OK?

My uncle will be sitting there, he's lost faith, he's like,

"Oh, Daniel, what if you're right? What if there is no God?

"What if I've wasted my life, What if I've wasted my kid's life?

"How am I meant to go on? How am I meant to find Jesus?"

And I'll say, "Don't give up, Scott.

"Keep on searching and you will find him."

"Oh, wow, that's beautiful. What's that?

"Is that John, is that Paul, is that Leviticus?"

"No, Where's Wally?"

He was behind the Eiffel Tower, eh?

I don't have a home, I just follow...

-AUDIENCE: Aw...

-No, it's cool, man.

I feel sorry for you for having one.

Homes suck!

Now my only hassles in life are airport security,

border guards and customs agents,

which would be a good only problem to have if I looked normal,

but I don't, I look like this,

so I'm constantly being fucked with at the borders

and that bothers me, cos I've been a comedian for 19 years now,

and it used to be relatively easy to get across borders

and then 9/11 happened and it got really hard,

especially for people who look like me, which I don't understand

cos I don't remember a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band

having anything to do with the actions of that horrible day.

But I'm constantly fucked with at the border,

and I've got to tell 'em on the form that I'm a comedian,

which no border guard EVER in the history of time has ever been

able to deal with maturely.

So it's like, "Oh, comedian! "Ah-hardy-har-har-har-har-har!"

I once had a border guard look me straight in the eye once, go,

"Comedian! Yeah, what do your parents think of that?"

"What do my parents think of me?

"What do your parents think of YOU, you pretend cop?"

As a comedian, I travel the whole damn world making people laugh.

That's one of the most difficult jobs on the planet.

I know people who went to Oxford who can't do this job!

A border guard, however, goes to bed every night knowing no matter

how good they get at their job, a dog will always be better!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've had 'em tell me jokes before.

That's creepy.

When you find out what makes border guards laugh, like,

I was coming into England and the border guard's like...

"You're a comedian, right?

"Here's one for you."

"WHAT...

"..is the only good thing about paedophiles?"

I was like, "I don't...know, sir."

And he said, "You can be sure, when they drive past schools,

"they will ALWAYS respect the speed limit."

And then he followed it up with...

"..You can use that!"

How the hell would I crowbar that joke into my act?!

My brother's 17, just turned 17.

He's one of those young, wannabe bad boys, like, "Yeah, yeah, you get me?

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you get me? Oh, my days, yeah?

"Oh, my days, yeah, but still, you get me, yeah? You get me, yeah?

"Yeah, yeah." One of them bell-ends, right? I love him, but just...

we don't really see eye to eye on certain stuff now.

He doesn't think I'm cool and young and hip any more.

Like, for example, I took him to a hip-hop concert earlier this year.

Now, he loves hip-hop, right? It's not that I don't like hip-hop,

it's just that certain things about hip-hop concerts annoy me now, right?

Like, we got to the concert and the main act came out.

Before he says anything, five other guys, right,

his posse, come on stage with microphones,

and they start running around the stage going, "Yeah!

"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Bro!

"Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro!"

What's the point of that?

And my brother, he's like, "No, no, you don't understand, man.

"It's to hype up the crowd, innit? It's to get the crowd excited."

I was like, what would get the crowd excited

was if the man had just started doing the bloody songs.

That's what I've paid my money for.

Like, for example, if I go to a restaurant and I order some food,

I don't want a chef to come to my table with pots and pans going,

"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"Just get my food, bell-end."

I'm very immature, a very immature person indeed.

My favourite thing to do in the world is to tell my sister

stupid made-up shit and just see how long she'll believe that shit for.

The things I've told her in the past, I told her, for example,

that Julius Caesar was King of the Salads.

She believed that.

The second one I told her, I told my sister that lighthouses were

originally built square, but the swirling wind erosion...

That's outstanding!

But the best one I told her, and this is the best thing

I've ever told anybody in my entire life, right?

I told my sister that Nelson Mandela

was the original face of Uncle Ben's.

That's incredible! I'm really happy with that. But the best thing is,

my sister is a 32-year-old primary school teacher.

So all the bullshit I tell her just gets filtered down...

to a new generation of little morons.

FRENCH ACCENT: I have to offer

a little bit of love advice as well for you,

because you need it.

Always the English come to me with advice,

"Oh, Marcel, you must do this, do that, do this to procure the woman.

"Oysters," they say, "will win the woman every time. Oysters."

Bullshit.

A woman can always spot an oyster floating in her drink.

Especially if you have left on the shell. But no, advice for you.

You are together, Monsieur Mucus?

Oh, it's keeping a distance between you.

-How long together?

-A year.

A year! Fuck...

That's a long time, you know. I'd move on.

One year.

That's a little bit clingy.

-Sir, how do you keep alive the spark in this long term...

-Sex.

Oh, straight away!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You notice, she says sex, you do not.

Now I see how she is keeping alive the spark.

Well, advice for you sir, for any man in the relationship,

two things a man can do to keep alive a spark.

Number one, women, they like to play games.

Always.

Why not try hiding?

You keep it small at first, one, two hours in the cupboard. Boo, surprise!

Build it up to three, four weeks away,

somewhere she won't expect.

Some men, they can hide for decades.

Then I won't get no sex.

No, but it seems you are not getting it anyway, so...

Might as well be in a fucking cupboard.

At least watching a piece of the action.

She is not denying it.

If this is not for you, number two, you can leave for your loved one

around the house small notes for her to find.

Three-word notes are the best.

A different word on a different note in a different room of the house,

and the best three words a man can leave are...

"will", "you" and "me".

She will be searching for the fourth one for days.

Gives you time for your own leisure activity.

You are welcome.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As you can see, I'm a bit wobbly.

Don't you love the word "wobbly"? I think it's so cool,

I think that we should have more positive names for conditions.

You know, instead of something really horrible,

like "schizophrenic", why don't we just say "overly imaginative?"

"Claustrophobic" - "nature lover".

"Mentally retarded" - "Sarah Palin".

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Get this, right, I love this one. My friend, he's wobbly too, yeah?

He calls himself "neurologically inconsistent".

Which is great, but bloody hard to say

if you have a speech impediment.

Actually, so is "speech impediment", isn't it?

Don't you think they should have called that something a bit easier?

Like, "I have a...u-urgh!"

I'm a local girl, I love London,

but where I live, the school kids love to imitate the way I walk,

and my dad goes mad!

He storms up to them, shouting,

"No! This is how you do it!"

One, two, three, four.

HE BEATBOXES

# Every time I put myself on the line

# Oh, it tells me what could be true

# Even when I do it on my own

# I never thought that I could be with you

# You got me roaming along Shining my shoes

# Telling everybody that you're all out of view

# And I, I could buy some biscuits but they're out at the store

# Every night shop Night shop, night shop

# Threw it away, sneaking away

# Trying to take two bars of chocolate

# Put it in my pocket somewhere Not come back in

# My parents never noticed that I had extra sins

# And if you want to take a trip down the road, all you got to do is... #

# Actually, the motor functions of...brain

# And just...down the...road...

# Every...uh...ta...ow, vuh...G...ronimo!

# I just wanted to hold stuff

# Because I never ever gave it some time

# Oh, if you got some time

# Isn't that just a little bit tight? #

HE SINGS GIBBERISH

# ..This time, baby, boo-boo, ba-ba dee-dee, ba-ba, doo-doo, da-da

# Doo-doo, da-da, doo-doo... #

HE SCATS

HE IMITATES A HI-HAT

Yeah, OK, yeah, here we go.

HE BEATBOXES

HE SCATS AND STUTTERS

HE RAPS GIBBERISH

# ..Islington...Brixton... #

HE RAPS GIBBERISH

# ..Condom style... #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'll tell you what we need to do, as people, as our generation,

we're all kind of scared about money and stuff like that, you know,

I don't think we're educated in the right way when we go through school

to kind of set ourselves up for day-to-day living.

We're not educated about mental health issues,

emotional intelligence, how to get more money in your parents' will,

we're not educated about the important stuff.

We're educated about silly stuff that we don't need.

And since living here, I've noticed

that what you do is pay a lot of money back to the British government

for your education and stuff.

I've got a friend of mine,

she's going to pay back to the British government £10,000.

£10,000 for a geography degree.

A geography degree! Ten grand for a geography degree.

For £4.50, I can buy you a map in the petrol station. It's ridiculous.

I've got another friend of mine, ten grand he's got to pay back

to the British government for a history degree.

Ten grand for a history degree. He's studying the past.

He could have just Googled "what happened?". That's all he had to do.

Part of his history degree, he had to go on a field trip and what

he had to do was, my mate, he had to go to Germany, cos he was studying

history, cos apparently Germany have done loads for history in the past.

They're big suppliers of the history, right?

And you know, when anybody goes to another country,

they go away and they come back

and they start banging on about what they did and all this sort of stuff.

He comes back from Germany, he goes, "Oh, you know,

"the history in Germany, they were ruined by Otto von Bismarck

"then they had World War I, World War II and the rise of Hitler.

"Then the country was divided into two groups,

"you had West Germany and East Germany.

"Then they had the economic depression of the 1970s,

"then they had to knock down the Berlin Wall to reunify

"the country, to build an economy,

"and that economy then supports your economy and the rest of Europe."

And he's banging on, and I'm just thinking to myself,

"Just tell me what I want to know, just tell me the simple stuff.

"Just tell me how much was the price of the pint?

"That's all I want to know!

"I am not arsed about anything else, but eight euro?

"Not going fucking near the place, my friend.

"Eight euro, ridiculous, right? Bulgaria, 80p.

"80p a pint in Bulgaria. I don't even know where the place is,

"but that is the greatest country in the world.

"If they can get me pissed on 80p a pint, right?"

He goes "Yeah, but what about the Berlin Wall?"

"I've got four fuckin' walls in me bedroom, mate, I'm not arsed."

I turned 25 recently, which is like a real...

like a serious human age to be, right?

It's a proper adult age, it's the kind of age, I feel, like,

where you should know definitively whether or not you like olives.

I'm on the fence about olives.

I think I like green ones and not black ones. Is that a thing?

OK, thanks guys, cool.

Erm, but yeah, so I've written a song about birthdays.

I'm going to sing a song about birthdays. OK, how's everyone doing?

Another song, is that cool?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

True stories about birthdays, guys.

# A birthday is a special day It comes once a year

# Forget the world is ending and just be of good cheer

# You wake up in the morning and your grandma calls

# And you spend an hour crying

# Cos only 14 people wrote on your Facebook wall

# And your ex wrote happy birthday with a lower-case B

# Followed by dot-dot-dot

# It's just, happy birthday...

# What the hell is that supposed to mean?

# At work they tie a balloon to your wheelie chair

# They got you a cupcake Not a real cake

# You pretend not to care, but it was Christina's birthday last week

# And they did get her a real cake

# And she's only a temp so surely there's been some mistake

# Because a cupcake's not the same as a cake

# It's only one-fifth of the size

# A cupcake's not the same as a cake

# But it's not a big deal I'm just grateful that you remembered

# It's the time of your life until your best friend mentions

# Oh, my God you must love birthdays

# Cos you love being the centre of attention... #

Thank you, Stephanie, thank you for coming, I appreciate it.

# ..You started off fresh but now you're feeling muddled

# People buying you shots like they want to get you in trouble

# And Stephanie's like, is it weird for you that you're single

# But all your friends are in couples? #

Thanks, Stephanie. Thank you so much for coming.

You really know me so well.

# ..On second thoughts make that gin and tonic a double

# Cos it's your birthday and you're older and wiser

# But don't feel sad

# Even if you celebrate the same way as last year

# By throwing up a kebab

# And crying

# And crying and crying and crying in the bathroom

# That a cupcake's not the same as a cake

# It's only one-fifth of the size

# A cupcake's not the same as a cake

# But it's not a big deal

# I'm just grateful that you remembered. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks, guys.

You can be culturally insensitive when you didn't even mean to be.

Like, tell me - was this culturally insensitive?

I was just in Abu Dhabi in the Middle East, doing gigs,

and they have the world's biggest mosque there,

and when they say the world's biggest mosque,

they are not kidding.

It's fucking gigantic!

And I just wasn't ready to see the world's biggest mosque,

and the lady in the car went, "Glenn, look to your left.

"It's the world's biggest mosque,"

and I went, "Jesus Christ!"

Here's the question.

Is it blasphemy if you say the wrong god?

See, I didn't think it was blasphemy, because as I'm sure

some of you know, and some of you would be very shocked to find out,

it probably was blasphemy because Christ is actually in the Koran.

I know!

I was amazed when I found out too.

It's like when you see a superhero in a different comic book.

SOME APPLAUSE

What, are you guys like a little team now? Who else is coming?

Like, is Buddha going to show up in the Koran

and be like a Justice League of the spiritual world,

and they all fight crime together like The Avengers,

like Buddha's belly-bucking everybody?

And then Mohammed's like, "Jesus, do a miracle!"

And Jesus would slide in like the Silver Surfer and go, "Who-o-oah!

"I turned the water into wine!

"Yeah, yeah."

And then all the Muslims in the Koran would be like...

"Don't do that!

"That's not a miracle!

"This is the desert, and now we can't drink that!

"You're not a miracle worker, you're a nuisance!

"You're a nuisance worker!

"Can you turn it back?"

"Erm...

"..no.

"No, I-I don't know how to do that part of the trick yet."

You know what?

I just hope this isn't the first action that causes a chain of events

that makes our two wonderful religions not get along any more.

APPLAUSE

This is supposed to be like a really cool, glamorous job, you know,

going round the country, talking to people like you, fucking cool,

like making you laugh, hopefully. Meant to be really cool.

And the name "Mark Smith" does not fit into that cool job title.

It's a terrible name. It's a really bad name. So monosyllabic and boring.

I hate it. And for a while, I used a different name for this job, right.

For a while I changed it, because not only is Mark Smith a terrible name,

but also because of the game show Gladiators.

Do you remember the game show Gladiators?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

The homoerotic mid-'90s game show Gladiators?

Do you remember a gladiator called Rhino?

-SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS:

-Yeah.

-Oh, he's in. Good.

Well, for those that don't know, Rhino was a 6ft 2in

black gladiator who was built like a...

bungalow.

Now, Rhino's real name was Mark Smith.

And I didn't want there to be any confusion.

It's a terrible name, Mark Smith. I hate it. It's such a bad name.

I wish my sister had named me, cos she's good at naming stuff.

My parents clearly have some sort of imagination barrier

when it comes to naming stuff. My sister is really good at it.

She got a cat, she called it Keith. Fine.

And she called it Keith because that's the noise it makes

when it hisses. Like, "Ke-e-eith!"

That's fucking genius! That's amazing.

For one year, I went by a different name for comedy,

and the name I chose for this one year was the name Winston Smith.

Yeah. That's shit, isn't it?

And I had to change that, right, cos I came up to a gig

in the north of England, and I came on stage and I went,

"Hello! I'm Winston Smith."

And this woman at the front row, this northern woman, just went...

"No."

And I went, "What do you mean, no?"

And she went, "I just don't believe you."

I said, "Why don't you believe it?"

And she went, "It's cos you're not black."

So I went, "All right, hot shot. Name me a famous black Winston."

She went, "That's easy. Winston Churchi... Oh, yeah."

I don't like ducks, and there's one duck in particular

that I have a problem with, and that's Mother Duck.

You know Mother Duck? You know the five little ducks...

# Went out one day

# Over the hill and far away

# Mother Duck said Quack, quack, quack, quack

# But only four little ducks came back. #

Now, if I lost a child...

..and I'm not a mother, but if I lost a child, I might, what?

Say, become a little bit overprotective

of my remaining children. Does that happen?

# ..Four little ducks went out one... #

No! It's been a full 24 hours, you call the police.

That is the way.

I mean, I know it's hard to use an iPhone with webbed feet,

but make an effort! And then...

# ..Three little ducks went out one day... #

How's your maths, Mother Duck?

Five little ducks minus two little ducks equals...?

Child Services. Exactly. And then...

# ..Two little ducks went... #

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing

over and over again and expecting a different result.

They're little ducks anyway.

They shouldn't be going on unsupervised field trips

in the first place! And then finally...

# ..One little duck went out one day... #

HER VOICE QUIVERS

# ..Over the hill...and far away.

# Mother Duck said... Quack, quack... #

(Sorry.)

# ..Quack, quack..."

And this time no little ducks came back.

This was a preventable tragedy.

And we can only hope that justice is being served

and this nursery rhyme is actually set in Peking.

And Mother Duck is now being served with a tiny,

delicious pancake and some hoisin sauce.

CLEARS THROAT

The tits of the Brits

are the biggest and best

breasts in Europe, they say.

But who are they to say

and is biggest best anyway?

When they stay out to play

in a man's randy hands,

will they stand to attention

without intervention?

And that's not to mention

the standard of man

you'll encounter when pouting your mountainous peaks.

Men who drool

like a fool

and truly lose all cool

as they stare all the while

at the vertical smile

of a gleaming, heaving cleavage.

When the men end

their frenzied endeavours

with haste, ignoring your face,

the fun's up,

and although the D-cup runneth over,

the owner's alone

now the boner has gone.

The petit titty

sits pretty when tipped up.

It's tip-top when on top.

The sleek, subtle peaks within reach,

each a pink, pointy peach.

MAN LAUGHS LOUDLY

Pity the big titty

who claims superior-ity

when in later years

grav-ity interferes,

so instead of two spheres

they will smother your ears...

as you sleep in your bed

dreaming instead

you are blessed with a chest

which may not have impressed

the testosterone drones who want rest

in their quest to squeeze handfuls of flesh

while the smartest attest

that biggest is not best.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I was in Australia earlier this year.

I love Australia, I think it's beautiful and fantastic.

The wildlife hates me.

Every time I go, it tries to kill me,

and you don't get that where I'm from.

There's no wildlife in Scotland.

There might be a badger... but nobody's seen him in a while.

I was in Australia, and I was there for about a day,

and I was walking down this street,

and a snake from a tree saw me and was like, "Fucking mmm!

"That looks tasty! Could eat me a bite of that. Yum yum yum."

Launched itself out this tree at me.

Now, I would love to tell you I acted like a man. I did not.

I made a noise my body's never made before.

Just in the hope that the snake would go, "You know what? Leave it."

I freaked out.

Anything penis-shaped coming towards my face, I'll freak out.

It's the way I deal.

But all the Aussies around me were laughing, going,

"Oh, look how much of a poof he is. Wah, wah!", the way they do,

and I knew I had to win back some man points,

so I quickly remembered back to an episode of Steve Irwin that

I'd watched when I was younger, and I remembered that snakes have

got no natural immunity to being run over by cars, OK?

They just never developed it.

So I grabbed it in the manliest way I could

and I threw it into the middle of the road,

and that is when it magically turned itself into a stick.

Do...do snakes have leaves over here, no?

I've noticed in the UK, we do get very touchy

about appearing racist, about the whole issue of race.

I personally think, "Relax, chill out, man."

I've got a neighbour called Mrs Bishop.

Lovely, sweet old lady, right,

but she's petrified of appearing racist, so much so that whenever

she talks to me or my family, she never says the word "black".

Instead she says "urban".

She'll say something like, "Nathan, do you know that little...erm,

"the urban kid from number 5?

"You know, with the big urban hair? Have you seen him?"

I'm like, "Mrs Bishop, you don't have to say that, OK?

"That's dumb on so many different levels. I mean, one,

" 'urban' is not an adequate replacement for 'black', OK?

"Urban's a city, hence anyone can be urban.

"Two, the word 'black', it's not racist, it's a colour, right?

"I'm not going to get upset over a colour.

"I'm a human being, not a bull.

"And three, even if the word 'black' was racist,

"I still wouldn't be offended if you said it.

"Cos you're black too."

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I think I really internalised the Mayan 2012 prophecy.

I really took that on board, and now I'm seeing signs everywhere.

I'm feeling stressed about it, and I was saying to my girlfriend,

"I feel like I go to parties, it's on the tip of everyone's tongue.

"Everyone's talking about the end of the world.

And she was like, "That's cos you bring it up in every conversation that we're ever in.

"And you're the worst at parties.

"And I want to break up," she said.

On Skype, yesterday. No, just kidding.

So I do stress out about it, so what I've done to combat those

feelings of anxiety about the world ending is I've come up with

a scenario in which the world ending might not be such a bad thing.

It might be like a fun party time for all of us.

We could all just have a nice time.

So I've written a song about that, and then I'm going to go,

but this has been great.

It's just an uplifting track about the end of days.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# I don't think I have to go to work today

# I'm just going to stay in bed

# Because today is a special day

# The whole of Great Britain is crawling with undead

# Crawling with undead... #

It's a happy song, guys. It's an uplifting...

# ..And I've seen the movies so I know to steal a car

# And drive out to the woods Get away from city centres

# And I don't want to brag but I did kind of see this coming

# And ever since Y2K

# I've been stockpiling canned goods in my basement

# Now they're coming through the windows

# And zombies are surrounding my flatmate

# I got to leave that bitch behind Just leave Janine behind

# And start running now, don't wait

# There's no time to hesitate

# To be fair, we never really got along that well anyway

# Because she never does the dishes. #

And she leaves her stuff all over the living room

and that's meant to be our shared space, so...

# ..It's funny how the power dynamic shifts

# In the midst of a zombie apocalypse

# Janine needs a ride... #

She's knocking on my car window cos she needs a lift,

and I'm like, "Oh, my God, I'm sorry, Janine, it's a really full car.

Erm..."I'm a nervous driver, so I just don't think...

"I mean, you can't sit in the front seat, I have my coat there, so...

"And in the back I have a book.

"I'm sure you'll be fine, though, I know you're an avid jogger,

"so I'm sure you'll be fine."

# ..It's funny how the power dynamic flips

# In the midst of a zombie apocalypse

# Janine needs a ride, at this point she really, desperately needs a lift

# I bet she wishes she hadn't left

# That passive-aggressive note on the fridge...

# It's a bad day for the planet but the best day of my life. #

Thank you so much, guys. I've been Mae Martin. Thank you so much!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, that's the end of the show. I hope you enjoyed the stand-ups.

See you again, my friends. Farewell!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd