Episode 3 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING

Hello.

So...

Hello, and welcome to Good News. So what's been happening?

Well, Eamonn Holmes told us what he thought of pensioners.

I don't mind them as long as they don't poo.

LAUGHTER

Did anyone else see that reporter have an argument with himself?

You're a douchebag. No, you are.

No, your mother is. Don't talk about Mummy that way.

Now, is it me,

or do the Ipswich town have a really complicated car share system?

He'll pick me up, I'll pick him up,

someone else will pick me up, I'll pick them up.

The players pick you up, we've got to pick them up. That's how it is.

Just get a bus!

And finally, the BBC asked this bloke

what the best programme on telly was.

I think it's good news.

-There we go.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The big political news in Britain was all about one man.

Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. Fresh from his summer

of Olympic, Paralympic and mayoral election success,

Boris arrived to a circus of cameras and reporters

normally reserved for rock stars.

He was surrounded by a Boris-mania media circus.

The last time I saw anyone get this sort of reception

was when Muhammad Ali arrived. "Boris, Boris, we love you, Boris!"

Crazy!

LAUGHTER

The country has gone Boris "crazy"!

Did you see his conference speeches?

He was amazing. Now, most MPs talk about policies. Not Boris.

He talked about what he wants in his lunchbox.

Every single chocolate HobNob in the world!

APPLAUSE

Then he did an impression of a really happy Rasta.

-He looked and he said...

-DEEP VOICE:

-"Very nice!"

But that is nothing on his plans for next summer.

One thing that we have considered extensively

is a politician's Olympics,

where you'd have Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell-end...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell-end?!"

Very nice!

Ha-ha! Now...

I'll tell you who hasn't had a "very nice, very nice" week -

this fella.

The big news this morning is that the Prime Minister is now a tweeter.

David Cameron is now on Twitter. Here's his first tweet.

Here's the first response.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Staying in politics, did you see the US presidential debate?

President Obama lost his first debate

with Republican Mitt Romney last night.

Romney controlled the conversation

and, say many observers, the President let it happen,

often looking like he didn't even want to be there.

You're telling me! Did you see how many times he mumbled?

Um...

Er...

Er...

Uh...

Er... Er...

Er... Um...

I have no idea what you're talking about.

It's so weird watching Obama struggle. We're just not used to it.

It's like seeing Lady Gaga just wearing a cardigan.

"Dress-down Tuesday."

What makes it weirder, it's normally Romney who cocks up.

This is a man who during the worst economic slump in years

says stuff like this.

I'm not concerned about the very poor.

I like being able to fire people.

When I was a boy, I used to think

that becoming rich and becoming famous would make me happy.

Boy, was I right!

Boy, are you a dick!

Luckily for Obama, one political heavyweight got right behind him.

It's your boy, big Snoop D-O-G-G.

King of the West Coast and you do know that, you bitch, you.

Ha-ha!

Snoop Dogg tweeted a list of reasons

why people shouldn't vote for Romney, and they are brilliant.

Reason number one.

Number two.

And my personal favourite.

Obama and Romney are making all the headlines,

but it's worth pointing out, there are other candidates.

This guy is without doubt my favourite. Why?

Because he's written a song.

Mr Supreme, your 30-second closing statement, please.

MUSIC: "The Birdie Song"

# My name is Vermin

# My name is Vermin Vermin Supreme

# My name is Vermin My name is Vermin

# My name is Vermin Vermin Vermin Supreme.

# And you can vote And you can vote

# And you can vote for me for president (if you want to)... #

LAUGHTER

And, er... OK, thanks very much.

He is incredible!

CHEERING

Obama and Romney are going to fix the economy,

but will they promise this?

That's right. He's going to travel back in time, kill Hitler,

and he's going to do it with a welly on his head!

And in case that isn't enough, he's got more.

# I've got small ponies I've got small ponies

# And they've got tiny little hooves if you like them... #

People are saying he hasn't got a chance. Nonsense.

I know one guy who's already a huge fan.

Elsewhere this week, bad news for this fella.

After a legal battle lasting years and costing millions of pounds,

Britain's most notorious terrorist suspect, Abu Hamza,

has lost his last-ditch attempt

to avoid extradition to the United States.

Or as the Sun put it...

It wasn't just the Sun.

People have been taking the piss out of him for years.

LAUGHTER

I bet when he was flown to America, even the pilot had a pop.

"We are five minutes away from landing.

" # If you're happy and you know it clap your... # Ahhhh!"

Even the animal world slammed him.

Elsewhere this week, an old lady rang a medical hotline,

and she got more than she bargained for.

Maureen Persi dialled a New Jersey state hotline

for the elderly, but it got a little TOO hot.

Why?

What happened?

She got some frisky offers for phone sex.

Right. Basically, the medical hotline changed its number,

they didn't tell anyone,

and the old number was taken by a phone sex company.

Poor old woman.

"Hello, I'm having a stroke."

"Well, baby, you come to the right place."

She must've been so confused! "What's that, love?

"That's right, I AM 69!"

"You want to do what to my cat?"

I shouldn't take the mickey. She was not happy.

It was just so inappropriate and it was not what I was expecting.

"It was not what I was expecting."

Mind you, I know one bloke who called the number

and he had a great time.

Very nice!

APPLAUSE

To be honest, I don't know what the old lady's moaning about.

If she thinks she's had a tough week, she should look at this.

Firefighters were called out to rescue a man

whose head was stuck in a public litter bin in Aberdeen.

He was stuck in a bin for three hours!

Three hours! So did the locals try and help him? Oh, no.

They took photos of him! "Oh, look! Someone's thrown away a grandad!"

"Let me out!"

That's the problem with the world today.

You make one mistake, the whole world knows about it.

A few years ago, if you had an accident on a trampoline,

it was between you and your mates. Not any more.

OK, do it.

CAMERAMAN LAUGHS

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Unbelievable!

Mind you, a man stuck in a bin has got nothing on this.

It was a pretty morning on Buckhorn Lake, but there was trouble.

A squirrel was on the ice

and something was on his head, like this six-ounce Yoplait yoghurt cup.

Over his head!

This actually made the news. Forget the presidential debate,

a squirrel has got a yoghurt pot on his head. I love this story.

Look how long the locals watched it for.

People first noticed the stuck squirrel at 8.30am

and watched him for seven and a half hours.

How dull must their lives be?

"Have you seen this?

"This is the best day of my life."

"This is better than the time I seen a meerkat in some Wotsits."

The story gets madder. Look what they did next.

Neighbours feared the worst.

I called animal control, the police and everything.

They called the police!

"A woman's getting mugged."

"Sod that. We've got a squirrel eating a Muller Light. Go, go, go!"

So how do they end the report?

Do they show the squirrel safe and well eating a nut in a tree?

No! They get weirdly philosophical.

A busy day on Buckhorn Lake, and it also answers

the age-old burning question.

Is there a God? What happens when we die?

Do squirrels really like yoghurt?

LAUGHTER

Genius!

Mind you, that squirrel should thank his lucky stars.

There are worse things that can happen to your face.

Be careful, Ben!

Over in China, there's been an amazing discovery.

A TV crew was called to the village of Liucunbu

after workers drilling a wall shaft

found what they believed was a rare fungus.

So...

LAUGHTER

Was it a brand-new fungus?

Oh, hell, no!

It turns out the mushroom was actually a sex toy.

They found a plastic fanny hammer.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Yeah!

CHEERING

Remind me to never go to China and order the mushroom risotto.

Imagine the moment they found out.

"Behold, the rarest fungus known to man...

"Oh, no, it's a dildo."

Mind you, that story has got nothing on the latest sex craze in America.

Get ready for this. This is a headline you don't see every day.

Wholesome dildos! What are they, I hear you cry?

I'll let this guy explain.

I can't believe this Christian sex shop is selling sex toys

and one of the sex toys is a Baby Jesus butt plug!

A WHAT?

Baby Jesus butt plug!

Very nice!

That brings a whole new meaning to the phrase

"I've been touched by the Lord."

It's going to change the Nativity.

We bring gold, frankincense, and brrrrrrrr!

I hope it doesn't catch on with other religions. Jesus, quite thin.

Imagine trying to get this guy up your arse!

RUSSELL SCREAMS

It burns!

Mind you, if you think a religious dildo is weird,

take a look at this story from Peru.

There is a local mayor in Peru.

I believe the town is called Huarmey,

his name is Jose Benitez,

and he has decided that the water in his town

is making the town gay.

The water is making people gay?

We shouldn't laugh. He's right.

I've been there, and the water is powerful stuff.

HE GROANS

LAUGHTER

Now, this IS good news!

CHEERING

I was so bendy that day!

Now the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's going to be a mystery guest from the news.

I have to figure out who that person is.

So please welcome my mystery guest.

CHEERING

-Hello.

-Hello.

Look at this! This is lovely. Nice to meet you. I'm Russell.

-Hello, Russell.

-How are you? This is wonderful.

-Can I sit down? Is that OK?

-Please do.

-Nice. What's your name?

-Jacquie.

-Jacquie.

I could get used to this, Jacquie. There's a lovely smell of leather.

-That's not you, is it?

-No.

It smells lovely, though. Any clues?

-Let me see. I travel first class all over the world.

-Sweet.

I stay in five and six-star hotels.

-Six-star? I didn't know there were six.

-There's seven stars now.

-Is there really?

-Yes.

-What's the difference?

-Um...

How much they grovel, I think.

-The more grovelling, the higher the star now.

-Really?

-What is grovelling?

-Well, you know, you get value for money, don't you?

"Please, can I wash your feet?"

You can, while you're down there!

While I'm down there?!

-CHEERING

-What else am I doing?

OK, so you stay in fantastic hotels.

It's something to do with expensive cars.

Something to do with Formula One?

No...although I've been to it many times.

I've been to most of the major events in the world.

What, of everything?

Yes, sporting events,

festivals, the Oscars.

OK. Are you a dealer?

LAUGHTER

Hmm...no!

-More clues?

-Erm...yep.

I'm one of very, very few females in the world that do what I do.

Catch?

LAUGHTER

Oh-ho!

-You're going to regret that in a minute!

-Yeah, I probably am!

It's mostly men do what I do

-and I wear a vest to work quite a lot.

-Awesome!

-Kevlar vest.

-OK, got you. So are you a bodyguard?

-Yes.

-Are you really?!

-Yes.

-Awesome stuff!

-CHEERING

-Nice to meet you. Excellent.

So, um, why exactly are you in the news?

-Cos I'm the world's top female bodyguard.

-How did you get that?

-I've been doing it, I think, for the longest - over 30 years.

-Sweet.

What do you make of that film?

Which one?

# And I...will always... #

I've got to be fair. We don't recommend that you shag the client.

That's not, you know, the ultimate aim.

-But many celebrities do marry their bodyguards.

-Is that right?

-Yeah.

-What celebrities have you looked after?

-Um, JK Rowling...

-Awesome!

-..Diana Ross...

CHEERING

-Who?

-Diana Ross.

-Oh, right. I thought you said Dyno-Rod.

The bloke that does plumbing. Someone's ordered a hit on him!

-Diana Ross.

-Yep.

-What's been the worst day on your job?

-Do you have any kind of shockers?

-Um, the worst day, I suppose,

-was being shot at in Pakistan trying to get a girl out.

-That'll do it.

-Yeah. That was a bit, you know... That wasn't much fun.

-Why was that?

She'd been kidnapped, actually, and taken over there,

so we'd gone to rescue her and bring her back.

-How many times have you been shot?

-I've never actually been shot.

I've been shot AT several times, but I've never actually been shot.

So you're like a really hard, better version of 50 Cent?

I'm excited about what I'll do in the bodyguard world.

Are we going to have some "pow-pow"?

-I'll give you a crash course in how to be a bodyguard.

-Let's do this.

CHEERING

So here we are in the car.

Not quite Kevin Costner, love, but you're getting there. Right, um...

What we're going to do is,

I'm going to pretend to be looking after you.

I'm going to get you out of the car

and show you how to look after your principal, how to look for...

By "principal", you don't mean my dick?

-You mean a person?

-A person.

-Right.

-So am I looking after you?

-No, I'll get out, you stay in the car.

-You only get out once I tell you it's safe.

-Awesome.

-So, sit back, relax, chill.

-Yep.

So I get out of the vehicle, I have a look around

to see whether there is any perceived threat.

I can't see any at the moment, so therefore,

-I beckon to my principal to get out.

-Hey, hello.

CHEERING

Oh! Cheers for that in the car. You went above and beyond your duty.

Should there be a threat, we do a thing called body, cover and remove.

Basically, I bend you over.

I put my body across yours,

so I take the bullet.

WOLF-WHISTLES

I'll put you back in the vehicle.

Lay across.

No, no, lay across the seat!

I'll throw myself on top of you!

CHEERING

And then I'll shoot the bad guy.

# And I...will always... #

But that didn't happen, so that's fine.

-So, no baddies?

-So that's what happens if there's a baddie.

-Good.

-I get molested? OK.

-But as there isn't a baddie at the moment,

I'll walk in front of you all the time,

-cos it's my job to take the bullet, OK?

-Yep.

-One of the main things

with celebrities is the paparazzi.

They are one of the biggest pests

and threats that we have towards celebrities.

I'm not being funny, but I think he might be a paparazzo!

So what you're going to do is, "Move back! You move back out of my face!"

CHEERING

Some of the things we have as well, you have the lone gunman,

you have the nutter, the guy that wants to come at you, wants to...

Hey...!

So what you do, you grab this end of the gun.

Grab this end of the gun, chin him...

WHACK!

Important bit.

-Knee him in the Golden Triangle.

-Yeah, yeah.

-No.

-Straight in!

And he's down.

-So you fancy being a bodyguard?

-I'd love to, yeah.

-OK, so I've some celebrities for you.

-Sweet. Who's the celebs?

-Well, we've got Justin Bieber...

-Yeah.

-..Angelina Jolie...

-OK.

..and we've got Lord Sugar. Who do you fancy keeping alive?

I like the idea of keeping Angelina Jolie alive.

CHEERING

Alan? I've always wanted to do this.

-You're fired.

-LAUGHTER

Now, if you think there might be a threat,

you've got to body, cover and remove. Bend her over.

-Right.

-LAUGHTER

No, otherwise I'll just, you know...

Um, I'm in front of you.

-Sorry, Ange, can't allow that.

-Deal with the paparazzi.

I'm going to go, "Oi, fuck off!!"

-Don't touch him! Don't touch him!

-I'll go toe-to-toe, yeah?!

Don't touch him. Good. Excellent.

Watch out, Ange. Between you and me,

there might be a lone nutter about to burst through the door.

I'm no expert... Oh, my God, there is!

Argh! Argh! Drop it!

Son of a bitch!

CHEERING

Son of a bitch!

Kick the gun away.

Take your gun away.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So do you think I've got what it takes to be a bodyguard?

To be a government-licensed bodyguard, you need

-another 150 hours of training.

-I've done five minutes.

You're almost there, but sadly...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..sadly, not quite enough to be on my team.

It would appear so. Give it up for my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Have you heard the news about the new Bond film?

It's the classic line we've come to expect in every James Bond film -

the one that helped define 007's image as a suave secret agent.

A Martini - shaken not stirred.

Now, Bond is putting down his Martini glass and grabbing a beer.

Bond's getting beered up!

That's really going to change the films.

-SLURRING:

-"The name's Bond,

"JAAAMES Bond.

"And I fucking love you."

It will be awful.

What if he's one of those guys who spills his soul when he gets drunk?

Just in the corner.

"You don't know me. I've done some terrible stuff, right?

"Don't laugh at me!

"I killed a dwarf.

"I put him in a suitcase.

"I put him in a river."

"I can't watch Willow any more."

It's madness! You can't have Bond getting shitfaced.

Think of all the stunts in the film.

Beer doesn't exactly help with your agility.

RUSSELL MIMICS JAMES BOND THEME

Oh, dear.

From Bond to the dullest magician in the world.

David Blaine has begun his latest stunt, standing still.

But this time, he's got a million volts

shooting through him.

He got electrocuted for three days.

The only bolt I want to see hit him is this guy.

Did you watch the coverage?

As ever, the Americans lost it over it.

This is beyond impressive. It's really amazing,

because it is, sort of, that Harry Houdini, sort of...vibe.

"He's amazing!"

My mate Mike? Not so fussed.

David Blaine? David Blaine?!

Fucking shite!

LAUGHTER

It's true.

We just don't like the guy.

Remember when he was in a glass box, hanging over the Thames?

He didn't eat for 44 days. Did people watch him in awe?

No, they did this.

We don't want to see him electrocuted,

we want to see him Tasered. Wouldn't that be great?

There's nothing funnier than watching someone get Tasered.

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM

-HE IMITATES SCREAM

-It's the noise!

It's the noise! If anything, it's even better in slow motion.

SIRENLIKE SCREAM

Next up... Oh, this is beautiful.

Two thieves who thought they'd got away with a furniture haul

got an unpleasant surprise when their booty disappeared out of their van.

Yes, they did. They thought they'd nick two sofas. Look what happened.

The hapless pair, who pilfered two sofas, left the doors wide open,

allowing store managers to lift them back out before they sped off.

See ya.

To end the show, an amazing story about a truly inspiring man.

The first half of the climb, there were lots of times I was like,

"I don't know if I'm going to make this.

"I don't know if we'll finish it."

'Spencer West finished on top, in June.

'At nearly 20,000 feet, the Kilimanjaro volcano in Tanzania

'is the world's tallest stand-alone mountain.

'West is as full of adventure as any man we've ever met,

'but take a step back

'and you see that the climber has no legs.'

'My family and I were told by the doctors that'

I would never sit up by myself, that I would never walk by myself,

and that I probably wouldn't be a functioning member of society.

-They didn't know what the possibilities could be?

-Exactly.

-Exactly.

-'A genetic defect at birth made his legs useless.

'The doctors amputated at the hip,

'but that didn't break his spirit, nor his stride.

'It was seven days to the summit.

'Part way he was carried,

'but mostly he used a wheelchair and walked on his hands.'

Along the path to Kilimanjaro, there are these little statues

and they call them cairns.

And we learned that cairns are a symbol for...

When you are lost,

if you see a cairn, they signify where the trail is again.

That's when I thought, "Maybe I can say I'm a cairn.

"Maybe I'm a symbol for other people when they feel lost or they feel

"a challenge is too big, I can be that cairn to be like,"

" 'It's OK. If I can overcome this,

" 'here's the path, and you can overcome it, too.' "

What a legend.

CHEERING

Now it's time for my stand-up guest.

This young man is one of the fastest rising comics on the UK scene

so please welcome the wonderful Daniel Sloss!

CHEERING

WHOOPING

Sure. Hello.

-Hello.

-Hi!

-How you all doing? You well?

-Yes!

The optimism's now gone, hasn't it?

"It's going to be amazing!" No.

I was in Australia earlier this year.

I love Australia. I think it's beautiful and fantastic.

The wildlife hates me.

Every time I go, it tries to kill me

and you don't get that where I'm from.

There's no wildlife in Scotland. There might be a badger.

But nobody's seen him in a while.

I was in Australia, and I was there for about a day

and I was walking down this street and a snake from a tree saw me

and was like, "Fucking..."

"That looks tasty!

"Going to get me a bite of that. Yum-yum-yum!"

Launched itself out of this tree at me.

Now, I would love to tell you I acted like a man.

I did not.

I made a noise my body's never made before

in the hope the snake would go, "You know what? Leave it."

I freaked out.

Anything penis-shaped coming towards my face, I'll freak out.

But all the Aussies around me were laughing,

going, "Oh, look how much of a poof he is. Wah, wah!" The way they do.

And I knew I had to win back some man points

so I quickly remembered back

to an episode of Steve Irwin I'd watched when I was younger

and I remembered that snakes have got no natural immunity

to being run over by cars.

They just never developed it.

So I grabbed it in the manliest way I could

and I threw it into the middle of the road

and that is when it magically turned itself into a stick.

"Do, um...do snakes have leaves over here now?"

I love America. I think Americans are amazing.

They're weird, but they're great

and fat.

But before anyone gets upset, when I say fat,

nobody in this room is fat

because you all walked in here.

And they have stupid excuses as well.

I like the way we deal with obesity in the UK.

We go, "Yeah, I'm fat. Soz."

They probably don't say, "soz", that's just me.

But in America, they have amazing excuses.

The best one, and it makes me laugh every time I hear it, is,

"Obesity is a disease!"

No, it's not.

The only thing obese people have in common with diseases is that

they're both very easy to catch. OK?

It's a flawed country, it is.

America is a country that believes obesity is a disease

but homosexuality is a choice.

It's not your fault if you're fat but it's your fault if you're gay.

No. That's not how it...

Homosexuality is not a choice because if it was a choice,

there would not be one straight man left on this planet.

Do you think if I could make myself gay, I wouldn't do it right now

and make my life ten times easier?

If homosexuality is a choice, it's not a very fair one.

OK, so you've got two choices -

you can spend the rest of your life pursuing women

in which case it'll take anywhere between a week and six months

trying to seduce a woman, charm a women into bed

through varying methods of lies, deceit and untruths,

it'll cost you a lot of time, money and sanity

but eventually she'll concede and you'll make love

and it'll be beautiful and you'll fall more in love

until you can't be close enough to each other

and you smoosh your face together cos you're young and pathetic

but you don't know that while she's doing this,

she's putting blinkers on your face so you can't see your life go past.

Life, family, friends, joy, it's all gone!

Before you know it, you're 45, married with two kids

and all your dreams are dead. Or...

You can hang out with your best friend all day and get blow jobs.

Hmm.

What a difficult choice!

That's why they're called gay people.

They're happy all the fucking time!

In order to get laid,

they have to seduce men.

Do you know how easy that is?

I'm a straight man.

I've got to seduce women. That's hard.

I don't know what lies to feed your species to make you want my penis.

But I could easily get a gay man into bed.

"Hey, do you want to...?" "Yeah, OK."

Done!

I wish I was gay, but I'm not.

In fact, I don't know if I am gay

because I can't really say that I'm not gay,

because I've never tried penis.

Therefore, I can't really say I don't like it.

It's like when I was younger and said I didn't like vegetables.

I'd never tried vegetables.

Now I'm 22 and I've tried vegetables, turns out I quite like them.

Maybe it's the same with cock.

Statistically, I am gay.

I mean, I've only ever played with one penis, mine,

but I fucking loved it!

I haven't stopped playing with it since!

I like 100% of penises I've ever played with

whereas I only like about 60% of the vaginas I've been in.

But statistically...

I love using, I use the word gay all the time as well.

I use the word gay in the wrong way.

I use the word gay in the way

most people of my generation use the word gay.

If they think something's rubbish or boring they go, "It's gay, it's gay,"

and that is wrong, I will admit that.

It's not homophobic, by the way.

It's just ignorance, OK?

Because in order to be homophobic, you actually have to hate gay people

which if you've met one, is quite difficult.

I don't know how homophobics do it,

just going, "I hate them! "Hiya!" "No!"

"I hate you!"

"But why?"

"I don't know. You seem really sassy."

The way I use the word in that way,

it makes no sense. That's why it's wrong.

I'll go to my flatmate, "Do you want to go to the pub?"

And he'll be like, "No, I'm tired."

I'll be like, "Gay!"

That's not homophobic.

Unless, in my head, my version of homophobia

is that all gay men are tired all the time.

All those gays just lying around yawning, you know what they're like.

Just lying around the field like a pride of lions,

a gay pride, that's what I call them.

But don't get me wrong, I'm all up for gay marriage.

It's something I fully support.

I fully support gays being allowed to adopt

because gay parents, in my opinion,

make better parents than straight parents

because gay parents could never raise a chav.

That is something only straight parents are capable of doing.

Can you imagine trying to be a chav in a gay household?

Running down the stairs with your Kappa tracksuit bottom,

your tracksuit top, Burberry cap and cheap bottle of wine,

going, "All right, pals, I'm off out to get pished."

And both of your dads standing there going, "Heh-heh-heh. No."

Even when you use the word gay in that way,

when you use it as an insult,

the reason it's insulting isn't because being gay is bad

but it's because of the way an insult works.

The way an insult works is,

you're accusing someone of being something they're not.

You're taking away their identity. For example, the most common insult

that we've probably all used at one point or another is, "You're a dick."

Everyone in this room has probably at least once gone, "You're a dick."

But if you think about it,

there's nothing wrong with dicks.

They're essential to the human survival.

I know loads of girls that like dicks.

I know loads of guys that like dicks.

I've got one of my own. He's quite fun.

I call him the Slossage.

APPLAUSE

But when you call someone a dick, that's offensive,

not because penises are bad, because you're changing someone's identity.

You don't get people coming up to you, going, "How dare you?

"Do you know how many friends I have that are dicks?

"Dickophobe."

I found out quite recently

that apparently most other comedians think I'm gay

and the worst thing is, I can see why. I totally get it.

It was nothing to shock me. I just went, "Oh, yeah. Goddamn it."

And it's the hair and it's... I wear tight shirts because I'm vain

and this hand doesn't do me any favours.

I hate this hand. I've got no control over it.

Like this guy, he's holding the microphone. He's got his job.

This guy gets jealous

and decides to go "jazzy!"

I'm not doing that, right?

He's a gay hand, that's just what he does.

He's never done anything gay. I've never been halfway through a joke

and turned around, like, "So then the chav says..."

"And then... Aaargh!"

I'm an atheist as well.

Cool.

Blank stare, that's what I'm used to.

The thing about it, I'm not one of these hardcore atheists, though.

I don't hate religious people. If you are religious, beautiful, fantastic.

Well done, you. I wish I could have that faith.

I wish I could have that belief system, but I went to school, so...

Makes it a little bit difficult!

Damn you, logic! And...

But I'm really not, really not against religion.

My mum's entire family is very religious,

my dad's family is very religious.

I've got an uncle who's a minister.

He's five foot two

so we call him a "mini-ster".

He does that annoying thing that a lot of religious people do

where he quotes the Bible at me

in random situations and expects it to help.

Like, "Daniel, you will know the truth

"and the truth will set you free. John 8:32."

What?

Can I do that? Can I randomly quote stuff at people?

"If you want to know what a man is truly like,

"look at how he treats his inferiors and not his equals.

"Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire! Page 410!"

APPLAUSE

Same thing!

Same thing.

Good quote, made-up source, OK?

My uncle will sit there, he's lost faith, he's like,

"Daniel, what if you're right? What if there is no God?

"What if I've wasted my life? What if I wasted my kids' life?

"How am I meant to go on? How am I meant to find Jesus?"

And I'll say, "Don't give up, Scott.

"Keep on searching and you will find him."

"Oh, wow, that's beautiful.

"What is that? Is that John? Is that Paul? Is that Leviticus?"

"No, Where's Wally."

He was behind the Eiffel Tower, hey!

Because I think we can all agree,

fans of Where's Wally and Harry Potter,

slightly less annoying than fans of the Bible.

But not as annoying as fans of Twilight. That's a different thing.

I hate Twilight, and I will say this now, I hate Twilight

and I've got a right to hate Twilight cos I've seen every film.

I've seen all the films, so I hate it because I know it.

I've got two lovely little cousins.

My uncle who's a minister has two gorgeous cousins who I love to pieces

and they love the books, so each time a film is out, I see it

then go home and try to kill myself.

And if you've not seen the films,

allow me to quickly summarise them all for you.

"Jacob!"

"Why have you taken your shirt off?"

"Because there's no storyline.

"It's nine hours of this.

"I can make them dance."

You've got him who's the werewolf one

and then you've got Edward Cullen, who's this weird vampire thing

who's played by Robert Pattinson

and if you don't know who Robert Pattinson is, he's basically an actor

who has the emotional range of Keanu Reeves after a stroke.

It's awful.

And then you've got Bella Swann.

If you don't know who she is, she's basically the most miserable cow

that's ever existed in fact or fiction.

It's like she's constantly on her period,

which I imagine he fucking loves.

My next joke's about tennis.

I like the tennis.

I think people say weird stuff when tennis is on, though.

Really annoying stuff, like, "Oh, my God!

"The noises those women make when they play tennis.

"It makes it sound like they're having sex."

Really?

I think you might be doing sex wrong!

If you're having sex with a woman and she's going...

HE SHRIEKS

HE SHRIEKS AGAIN

..let her go, OK?

She is not enjoying that.

Stop it.

"Ooh!" Somebody phone the police. There is a crime being committed.

That is the wrong type of backhand set.

From my experience,

if women were to make the same noises they make during sex

while playing tennis, this is what tennis would sound like.

"Ssh!

"You're going to wake my dad up!

"Seriously! Are you nearly finished?

"No, not in my hair!"

Just the umpire sat there going,

"There was no love in that set.

"No love either side."

I hate noisy sex. If you have noisy sex, you're rude and inconsiderate.

There's no need for it at all.

None of the noises during sex are necessary.

Don't talk to me during sex.

I put up with three hours of your shit to get to this moment in time.

I think I've earned a break.

I don't even like the compliments during sex, like, "Oh, my God!

"This is amazing!"

Don't lie to me!

I know I'm bad in bed but I don't care.

I'm already having sex with you.

I've won!

I think it's very nice that women do lie during sex,

because it would be so much worse if you told the truth.

"Oh, my God!

"This is so below average!"

"I just want to phone a taxi!"

Just me being honest in return, going,

"You were so much skinnier with clothes on!"

"I've never seen a pair of tights look so relieved in my entire life."

And that's where I like to end my set,

making sure no woman in the audience ever wants to sleep with me.

Thank you very much. I've been Dan Sloss. Peace.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Daniel Sloss!

Thank you very much for watching Good News.

Goodnight, my friends.

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

-DEEP VOICE:

-Very nice!