Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains strong language

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Thank you!

Thank you, thank you very much!

Thank you! Hello.

Hello and welcome to Good News.

Probably the biggest story of the summer,

sexual icon Eamonn Holmes can make women orgasm by saying their name.

Is where she is today. Good morning, Isabel.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

If you are planning to interrupt the someone on the news,

this is how you do it.

SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN

Meow!

Woof! Woof! Meow!

Oink! Oink! Oink! Oink!

A human who makes an animal noise?

If only there was an animal who makes human noises?

Perhaps a cat who could say, "no"?

No. No. No. No. No.

Finally, if you report from a windy pier, you get what you deserve.

But if there's a big wave, I am going to step out just slightly...

OH!

APPLAUSE

So, the big news this week was all about Colonel Gaddafi.

The end of a dictator.

It's been a landmark day for the people of Libya...

..as it was announced that the dictator who terrorised the Libyan people...

-..for over four decades...

-..was found hiding in a drainage pipe...

..and shot dead in his home city of Sirte in Libya.

Now, it may be me,

but the Libyan people didn't really seem that bothered.

CHANTING

Freedom Libya! Everybody happy now!

SHOUTING

LAUGHTER

Even the cars were dancing!

It was insane - one bloke turned up with the FA Cup!

Everyone was happy -

I say everyone, I bet pigeons in Libya were terrified!

GUNFIRE

"Stop shooting us!

"We hated him too!

"Jesus Christ!

"I mean, Allah, I'm Libyan!"

LAUGHTER

Did you see what the rebels found on Gaddafi?

'The prize find is proudly shown off here

'as fighters parade through the streets with it -

'the former leader's golden gun.'

The man with the golden gun, more like the man with the melty face!

LAUGHTER

Apparently the final words were, "Don't shoot."

I think he missed a trick. He done so many terrible things,

he could have used the moment to finally do something good.

Wouldn't it have been great if his last words were,

"I am just a puppet...

LAUGHTER

"..your real master is...

"Justin Bieber!"

LAUGHTER

"He dies TONIGHT!"

-It would have been a lovely moment.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One of the main talking points about the whole story

was how Gaddafi died.

Some say he was executed, some say he was killed in cross-fire.

Others claimed he committed suicide after learning this tragic news.

The Irish boyband, Westlife, is to break up.

NO!

# Everybody's looking for that something! #

LAUGHTER

"Goodbye, cruel world!"

David Cameron and Barack Obama

both issued statements addressing Gaddafi's death.

I think today is a day to remember all of Colonel Gaddafi's victims.

This marks the end of a long and painful chapter

for the people of Libya.

Italian Bunga Bunga Lord, Silvio Berlusconi, not as fussed.

He was too busy texting Hillary Clinton a photo of his penis!

Wow!

"Hey! Plenty more where that came from!"

Back in Britain, it was all kicking off the a farm in Basildon.

Police and bailiffs are now in almost in total control of Dale Farm

after storming the illegal site at dawn.

There were clashes as bricks and other missiles were thrown

and the police responded with Tasers.

And what headline did The Sun go with?

Thanks, Sun!

So, what kind of sophisticated tactics did the protesters use?

Something to get the public on their side? Not really.

-"Oi, Dave, I done a wee on a policeman!

-LAUGHTER

"I'm like Gandhi."

One lady turned up with a crucifix. Who brings a crucifix to a protest?!

They're police, they're not vampires!

She is a long-time activist, do you know what her name is?

She's called Minty Challis.

LAUGHTER

It is sounding like something Boris Johnson calls a vagina!

LAUGHTER

Did anyone see the protesters on the scaffold?

'But it pretty much means that

'the police have taken control of the lion's share of Dale Farm...'

I was watching it thinking, "Where have I seen that before?"

APPLAUSE

Over in Europe, it's bad news for noisy pets.

The town of Kherson in Ukraine

has banned animals from making noise at night.

Pet owners now have to stop their furry friends

from making noise between ten at night and eight in the morning.

This is great news for burglars.

Some dog...

"Mm, mm!" What is it, boy?

MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIVELY

LAUGHTER

I don't know what you're on about!

MUMBLES: "There's a fucking burglar, you..."

-LAUGHTER

-What? Are...

MUMBLES: "That's what I'm fucking saying!"

Bloke in the morning, "We've been burgled!",

"I try to fucking tell you!

"Not only that, they've done a shit on the floor!"

-LAUGHTER

-Wasn't me, it's the burglars!

It isn't just dogs they're clamping down on.

'The new law doesn't just apply to cats and dogs.

'Goats bleating, cows mooing

'and pigs oinking will get the owners into trouble.'

Who the fuck has a pet cow?!

LAUGHTER

Are there people watching the X Factor next to a bullock?!

"I agree, Daisy, Frankie does look like he's got crabs!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Why stop pets making a noise?

If you are going to silence any animal at night it should be foxes.

Have you ever heard them make love?

SCREAMS

It's terrifying!

Pets aren't like that.

If you ban pets from making noise,

you'll miss out on dogs that sound like this...

HE QUACKS

LAUGHTER

Don't get rid of that!

And goats...

lovely goats...

that sound a little bit broken.

Aa-a-ah!

LAUGHTER

Don't get rid of those noises! QUACK! AA-A-AH!

From the Ukraine to Egypt

and now an INSANE story about a bloke that resembles a dead man.

An Egyptian man shares an unfortunate doppelganger -

executed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein...

They are not lying, check this out.

You are probably thinking that now Saddam's dead,

I doubt that his life is that bad...

LAUGHTER

Unbelievable, isn't it?! NOBODY sees that coming!

"Who does that bloke look like? You know what we could make him do?"

It is the weirdest kidnap ever!

"What are our demands?

"We want you to make love to beautiful women, over and over.

"What do you think of that?",

-"Oh, no...

-LAUGHTER

"I better scream for help, I suppose...

("Aa...")

LAUGHTER

"No-one's coming, let's drop it like it's hot!

"Who's your Baghdaddy?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Saddam Hussein porn, can you imagine the trailer?

'We thought he had weapons of MASS destruction.

'Turns out he had a weapon of ASS destruction!

'Saddam Hussein is...

'the Dick-Tator!

'Coming soon.'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

To America and a report about a woman who attacked police

in a rather unusual manner.

When Delaware County deputies arrived,

Robinette was in the passenger seat of her car.

She cursed at the deputies when they tried to get her out

and then sprayed them with bodily fluids.

GASPING

Bodily fluids?!

She pulled out one of her breasts and started milking it

and spraying breast milk towards the officers.

No. No. No. No. No!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Spraying breast milk?!

Pffft!

It's like a filthy Super Soaker!

So, what happened to this grubby criminal?

'They kept taking to her

'and were finally able to take her out of the car,

'cuff her and take her to jail.'

They got her out of the car, but not before this AMAZING conversation.

'Robinette had become belligerent.'

'Swearing and calling the officer racist.'

LAUGHTER

Brilliant!

"You are racist cos I'm a female and you're sexist cos I'm a black man.

What I don't understand about this story,

why is she attacking the police?

She's clearly has talented boobs.

She should use her powers for good.

SHOUTS: Give us your bag! Now!

Not so fast...

Finish him off, Period Girl!

GROANING No!

So, the biggest sport story of the week was this...

Football, Manchester United suffered a humiliating six-one thrashing,

at the hands of local rivals Manchester City.

It's United's heaviest home defeat in Premier League history.

6-1!

CHEERING

Brutal, wasn't it?

I haven't seen a pounding like that since I watched that Saddam porn!

LAUGHTER

RUSSELL SNIGGERS

The game was incredible, but the thing that really caught my eye,

what did Man City's crazy striker Mario Balotelli do the night before the game?

Did he go to bed early? Did he have a camomile tea?

Mario Balotelli has escaped unharmed after setting his house on fire

by letting off fireworks in his bathroom.

He let fireworks off in his bathroom?! What was he doing?

Celebrating a shit?

"That was a really good one, really good one, that.

"Light the Catherine Wheel, let's do this."

Apparently the firemen were at his house until three in the morning.

Is anyone thinking what I'm thinking? Fire? In the bathroom?

-Turn the fucking shower on!

-LAUGHTER

So, what happened to Balotelli after the fire?

Did he get fined by his club? cautioned by the police? Not really.

He is now, would you believe,

the face of a regional firework safety campaign.

LAUGHTER

It makes sense!

APPLAUSE

Have you seen what we are doing with our bins?!

'The life of a litter bin must be a lonely one.

'There is now a new weapon in the war on waste.'

It may just look like an ordinary bin,

but this one has plenty to say for itself.

'Hello?'

LAUGHTER

'Hello! Just wanted to say thanks for the rubbish.'

"I just wanted to say this is bullshit!"

Why are we spending money on bins that say thank you?!

Are people going, "I'll only stop littering if the bin is nice to me!

"Next you'll be telling me I can't piss on a policeman."

Don't give bins voices.

How depressing would it be to hear the dog-muck bin?

Imagine that, "No. PLEASE, no!

"Oh, God alive!

"Has anybody got a mint?"

In case some of you are interested, they don't just say thank you.

'They sing, talk, and sometimes even burp!'

Brrrp!

LAUGHTER

Don't use a burp! If you want a noise which will encourage people to put rubbish in a bin,

surely it is this one.

QUACK!

-LAUGHTER

-Do the noise again! It's the best thing I've ever heard.

If you heard that, every time you put something in a bin,

Britain would be cleaner than a nun's hard drive.

It isn't just burping, celebrities are voicing some of the bins.

'The likes of Amanda Holden, cricketer Phil Tufnell

'and Michael Palin are all volunteering their voices.'

Madness. If you're using a celebrity, surely it would be this guy?

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

He'd be the angriest bin ever!

Nobody would drop litter if a bin called you this...

SHOUTS: Bugger, shit, fuck, shit, fucking sphincter, arsehole,

-up your arse, up your

-BLEEP,

fuck you sideways, you fucking boring fucking whore, fuck off, you COW!

All right, I'll put it in the bin.

Sorry, Brian. That bin's got a real temper!

LAUGHTER

Now, next up, let's meet a guy with an unusual companion.

'Usually it is a dog that's a man's best friend,

'but for Barry Hayman it doesn't walk on four paws,

'it waddles on two webbed feet.'

'His best friend is a duck named Star.'

-ALL: Ahhh!

-Don't, "Ah!", stop it!

He is best mates with a duck!

He has put bread in his socks!

"He won't leave me alone."

Yeah, cos you're covered in Hovis, you lunatic!

He doesn't just take the duck out in the car. Look where else they go.

'Down the shops, or ducking into the pub for a pint.'

Ahhh - a duck in a pub? He must get so sick of the jokes.

"Hey, hey, hey, who is paying the BILL?"

"Very good."

"Want some cheese and quackers?"

"Yeah, yeah." "Hey, hey, hey, who's your wingman?"

"Fuck off, Brian, no wonder your wife left!"

LAUGHTER

"I hate you, Brian.

"I fucking hate you!"

For me, it's madness. Don't choose a duck.

If you're going to be best friends with any animal,

it would have to be this guy.

QUACK!

Look at his face! Kill me!

Moving along. Have a look at this SHOCKING tale about prejudice.

Now the world's largest sperm bank is saying, "Thanks but no, thanks,"

to one pool of potential donors. People with red hair!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Isn't it shocking, man? Don't applaud!

Don't applaud!

It is horrible, ginger people aren't allowed to donate sperm.

How unfair is that? Do you reckon they will protest.

"We've got sperm, you've got money! Let us in, it's really sunny!"

LAUGHTER

What I want to know, how do you identify ginger sperm?

Can you tell under a microscope?

THEY CHATTER

Expelliarmus!

LAUGHTER

It's such a ridiculous idea.

Listen to why they are banning our red-headed friends.

'The problem is, given a choice,

'the majority of women would prefer a child and a partner

'with the more commonly found blond or dark hair.'

Bullshit, like hair colour is the only indicator of beauty!

Do you prefer this lady or...

Jodie Marsh?

LAUGHTER

She has brown hair, yeah, but she looks like a fucking Toblerone!

LAUGHTER

Perhaps the most worrying part of the story is this...

'This ginger rejection comes as some predict natural redheads

'could become extinct within 100 years.'

This is awful, ain't it?

Do you reckon, soon people will be watching programmes like this...

MUSIC: "Theme from Jurassic Park"

Ahh!

Grrr!

Rarrrgh!

APPLAUSE

Moving on.

It's been a worrying discovery for women.

You see this?

So, basically, girls,

you can do what ever you want to look pretty,

but at 10.03 in the morning it will all fade.

-LAUGHTER

-To be honest, I've noticed that myself.

-Hey, how are you doing?

-How are YOU doing?

Argh!

Argh!

LAUGHTER

What's happening?

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There'll be a mystery guest, he's been in the news.

I've got to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

It does scream sex offender, doesn't it?

-I was waiting for it.

-I'll make my way gingerly...

but I have a feeling that Mr Tumnus...

may be a little bit weirder than usual.

-Hello.

-Hiya.

Can I have my ball back?

LAUGHTER

-Hmm, what are you doing in a hedge?

-Erm... Ha-ha!

Very rare you get to start the interview like that

and that be the right opening question! What are you doing in the hedge?

I spend a lot of time out in my environment,

out in rural areas during the night-time.

OK...

LAUGHTER

Are you a keen dogger?

No, not quite.

Presumably you are looking at nature, I imagine,

in the West Country?

I am in the West Country and I spend a lot of time in the rural areas,

during the night-time, without giving too much away.

Hey, I know who you are!

I know who you are!

You are...

-you're the Yeovil Ninja!

-Yes, I am.

-Come out. OK, there we go!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Nice to meet you, man!

-Can you stand back?

Well, I regret calling you a pervert, now!

It's not very often you call someone a sex offender

and then they rock up dressed like Darth Maul!

LAUGHTER

-If you just want...

-I'd love to go there, yeah.

So, I'm the Yeovil Ninja...

and today we are going to get you in a ninja suit

and give you a crash course in becoming a ninja!

Well, I'm absolutely involved now!

-First of all, we're going to see a clip.

-OK, sweet.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

First of all, why did you become the Yeovil Ninja?

I wanted to know how to move like a ninja

-in the shadows during the night-time, as you do as a young boy.

-Yeah.

I, sort of, made contact with ninjas, practitioners from around the world

and learning the arts of ninja out in the shadows,

-using anything that would benefit me as a ninja today.

-Cool.

-Let's do this.

-Right, so one thing we will go through is moving.

So, what we do is, we keep your hands close to our chest.

-Yeah.

-Move across, keeping very silent, aware of your surroundings.

What you do is, when your furthest leg's out...

you go down to one knee.

TITTERING

Now when you are down on one knee you observe your surroundings,

whether it is smell, sight, use your awareness.

-If you have...

-(There are people looking at us!)

LAUGHTER

(I don't think we're in the shadows!)

LAUGHTER

So, what we do is, moving as a ninja we move in bounds

and I am always looking at the next point of concealment.

You're aware, you'll hear people from a distance.

I actually use a hearing aid sometimes over normal hearing to amplify the surroundings.

-I can hear conversations from...

-Benefit cheat!

-Aye.

LAUGHTER

"Mummy, there is a mad bloke in the garden."

-Sorry, sorry.

-So, we are moving bounds, crossing legs,

transferring the weight and getting in your way!

-Next is the Serpent movement.

-The Serpent?

-Serpent.

You're down on your knees...

-and what we do it, you might use the dead ground.

-Yep.

-OK?

And we're moving up to a position.

LAUGHTER

You can call that the Serpent... That's crawling, that's is!

LAUGHTER

-OK.

-All right?

-Yeah.

Now, what do your family think of this?

-Are you married?

-Yes, I am married with two kids.

-Oh, sweet!

-One's five, I started teaching them about this at three.

-Oh, nice.

Probably got the whole serpent thing down pretty quick?

-Yeah...

-Is he a natural?

-He is a natural, yeah.

Did you spray-paint his nappy black?

LAUGHTER

Have you got any other skills you can teach me?

I've got many striking techniques and pressure points as well.

I fucking hate these ones.

LAUGHTER

I teach 45 pressure points, from pain, unconsciousness and death.

Right. Let's work from the beginning!

So, very basically, you've got a pressure point just between...

Oh, don't. Go on, go on, go on.

-Just between the collar bone. If you push down there...

-Ugh!

-I sound like a pug!

-LAUGHTER

-Give me your right hand...

-QUACK!

-LAUGHTER

-Sorry about that!

APPLAUSE

-Go on.

-You go to grab me there.

-Yep.

-What I can do is...

I can influence your body by moving through and flipping you over.

In this case, I'd raise your armpit, strike out into the armpit,

then it sends your body into shock and you'll collapse.

And then you've got the monkey swing.

The monkey swing? Nice.

-Do you throw in a...

-HE CRIES LIKE A MONKEY

-They are just very basic ones, we can't show too much.

-So, it's that, there and the monkeys!

-Yeah!

What an excellent way of handling a lovely random interview.

-Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the Yeovil Ninja!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, we all know that being a student is tough.

You can get a degree, but you also end up with massive debts.

These guys have come up with a novel solution.

Two graduates have a rather unusual solution to this all

by selling advertising on their face.

'They set up buymyface.com,

'where people and companies can advertise anything on their face for a day.'

-Bizarrely, the plan is working.

-'The idea has proven a hit,

'they've made £3,500 and they're just two weeks in.'

Three-and-a-half grand and counting, it's a great idea!

I liked it so much I found the actual guys

and I gave them £100 to do this.

-No. No. No. No. No. No. No!

-LAUGHTER

And once I had paid them to do that, I had to make them do this...

QUACK!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I had to.

This is amazing. Now, you may remember, last series

I showed you a story about cystic fibrosis sufferer, Kirstie Mills.

I don't know if you remember it? How about this for a fantastic update.

'Kirstie has cystic fibrosis.

'Kirstie's lungs had become so badly damaged in March of this year,

'doctors told her she had, at best, two-and-a-half years left to live.'

'By May they had revised the estimate to six months.

'Regardless, Kirstie went on to get married.

'Even though she spent the days leading up to her wedding

'in intensive care.

'New lungs would prolong her life

'and she was on the transplant waiting list.

'The decision was made after the wedding to airlift her to the transplant hospital in London

'so that she'd be ready if a donor became available.'

Earlier on in that day...my husband and mum had been called in...

..and they knew it was a matter of hours that I had left.

'Then it was a surprise that a pair of lungs became available.

'They didn't know if I was too ill at that point to be transplanted.

'I really didn't have long left in that day'

and I was kept on by-pass until the lungs arrived

and they were transplanted.

'No-one can tell you how hard a transplant is going to be,'

but no-one can really tell you how good it is once you get into your recovery.

And just doing simple things, just feels amazing

'and being able to plan what me and Stuart are going to do with our future.'

-APPLAUSE

-Beautiful, isn't it? Ace!

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

I really hope you enjoyed it. See you!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]