Episode 12 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello, hello, hello, hello!

Welcome!

Welcome to my Christmas edition of Good News Best Bits.

We've had some amazing stories throughout the series,

so here are some of my favourites.

I hope you enjoy them.

Look at Jeremy Paxman's ultimate ambition.

To rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Here's a tip.

If you're going on telly, don't stand in front of a sign like this.

The next court appearance is scheduled for...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure this guy is being spied on.

A lot of buildings obviously lose heat through the roof...

Bill Oddie revealed that he's impotent.

You only have to crack a twig and Mr Badger is down in his set

and he ain't coming out for several hours.

And finally,

the BBC asked this bloke what the best programme on telly was.

I think it's good news.

Very kind.

CHEERING

Political news in Britain was all about one man.

Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

Fresh from his summer of Olympic, Paralympic

and mayoral election success, Boris arrived to a circus of cameras

and reporters normally reserved for rock stars.

He was surrounded by a Borismania media circus.

The last time I saw anyone get this sort of reception was

when Muhammad Ali arrived.

Boris, Boris, we love you, Boris.

Cr-r-razy.

The country has gone Boris cr-r-razy.

Did you see his conference speeches? He was amazing.

Most MPs talk about policies. Not Boris.

He talked about what he wants in his lunchbox.

Every single chocolate Hobnob in the world.

CHEERING

Then he did an impression of a really happy Rasta.

He looked and he said, "Very ni-i-ice."

But that is nothing on his plans for next summer.

One thing we have considered extensively

is a politicians' Olympics,

where you'd have Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell end.

Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell end?

Very ni-i-ice.

Over in the US, Barack Obama is back in the presidential race.

Barack Obama has come out fighting in the battle for the White House.

Damn right. Did you watch the debate?

Romney tried his best, but Obama played his trump card.

We can get this economy going again. My five-point plan does it.

Energy independence for North America in five years,

getting a balanced budget, fixing our training programmes

for our workers and finally, championing small business.

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Boom! "I can get his head if you want, bitch."

Next up, check out what happened to this woman on BBC Radio Ulster.

And what was the horrendous message she read out?

What?!

How can you read that out? It's the biggest story, use your brain!

In literary news, JK Rowling has picked up her pen once more.

JK Rowling is perhaps the most famous living writer in the world.

Now, she is opening a new chapter in her literary life,

with her first novel aimed at an adult audience.

A book for adults? That's going to freak out the kids, isn't it?

"Ron moaned as he took Hermione up the Gryffindor.

"If only she'd worked harder on her Defence Against The Dark Arts.

"Meanwhile, Harry had caught the snitch.

"He vowed he would never again sleep with a prostitute."

Have you seen what it's called?

The Casual Vacancy is a story set in a small English town.

The Casual Vacancy?

Surely, if she's going to write an adult book,

she should have gone for this.

There's more.

Or my personal favourite.

"Mr Harry should never have given me a sock."

Over in the US, look what happened to this guy at the cinema.

This is hilarious.

A man in a theatre in downtown Sparks accidentally shoots himself

in the buttocks while watching a movie.

As you do.

Was the film stopped, was he screaming in agony? Oh, no.

Witnesses say the subject then stood up, apologised to the crowd

and took himself to the VA hospital.

He apologised!

"I'm terribly sorry, I appear to have fired a gun into my rectum.

"I've literally put a cap in my ass.

"Enjoy the film. I'm in real trouble."

I love the fact that he drove himself to the hospital.

He's just fired a shot there. Imagine the poor nurses.

Imagine trying to keep a straight face when he tells you what happened.

"You did what? Did you? Shot in the bum, yeah?"

MUMBLES

"I've got to check some files over here."

"Mary. You see that man over there?

"That man's got two arseholes."

Next up, have you seen the latest pen you can buy?

Now, Bic must have thought that women have a hard time writing.

They have launched a line of pens specifically for women.

Yes. They've invented a pen just for ladies.

Are there girls going, "I will not use it unless it's pink"?

It's ridiculous. All they've done is change the colour.

They've essentially given a Biro a vajazzle. That's what they've done.

It's so sexist. What is this advert going to look like? This?

Hey, you! Yes, you.

Do you struggle with manly pens?

Well, don't worry your pretty little head about it,

because we've invented you a brand-new lady pen.

With new lady pen, I've got time to draw kittens,

and I still have time to make my husband's dinner.

Thank you, darling.

If only someone would invent a car that parks itself for me.

I'm such a stupid bitch.

So, this is a brand-new bit of the show could Headliners,

where members of the public persuade me why they

should be making headlines. So, let's meet our first Headliner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Hello, hello.

-Hello, my friends. What's your name?

-Jamie McCartney.

-Jamie, why do you think you should be in the news?

-I should be in the news

because I'm the artist that made...

-the Great Wall Of Vagina.

-Wow.

I remember her.

Is that a guesstimation or are those actual vaginas you've moulded?

-Yeah, these are casts taken from real people.

-From real people?

-Yeah.

She's got very neat... What a mess that is. Jesus.

That looks like an elephant, whereas that...

looks like a rabbit's nostril. Excellent.

How did you persuade them to do that?

-I'm very charming, that's what it is.

-You're very charming?

-Yes, I'm very charming.

-"Man, oh, man, I couldn't help but notice what a lovely vagina you have."

-Are you on the wall?

-No!

Wouldn't that be great? "I should be in the news because that's me."

How about you, madam?

My name's Zoe Ludford-Brooks, and I'm a member of the UK Quidditch team.

Quidditch. There we are. We are really dealing with two...

CHEERING

Somebody booed Quidditch over there. "Oh, I hate imaginary sports."

Let's stone her Hippogriff. So, who do you play for? Who's your team?

I play for Avada Keeledavra, which is the team at Keele University, and also the UK team.

This is an ultimate dilemma between the joyousness of, kind of,

invented, fabricated sports and a man that has a selection of vaginas.

I'm going to have to give it to vagina man.

That's not your actual name, I apologise.

It's what I'm getting called.

If you smile at the camera, and I guarantee it will say "Fanny-tastic."

OK, in Russia, a cartoon is in hot water.

Russia's TV stations are considering banning some of the nation's

best-loved children's cartoons.

Why? Are they too violent? Are they racist?

Some argue that Russia's equivalent of Tom and Jerry

called Nu, Pogodi! is harmful to children.

That's because the wolf chasing the hare is a smoker.

They're banning cartoons because the wolf's having a fag?

Like there's five-year-olds, "Why am I smoking? I seen a wolf do it."

It's ridiculous. Kids aren't stupid. I was a huge fan of Transformers when I was little.

I never had a chat with a lorry.

"All right, Optimus?

"Someone's quiet today."

My mum, "Oh, God, Russell's talking to the lorry again."

"Shh, Mum's onto us, Optimus.

"I'll see you later, my friend."

I never stroked a lorry, I should point out.

Mind you, it isn't just smoking that's upsetting people.

Cheburashka and his friend the crocodile have also come under fire

from conservative groups for having homoerotic overtones.

What, indeed.

They are worried that a wolf and a crocodile might have a gay relationship.

Christ, if they think that's homoerotic, they should watch Big Cook, Little Cook.

Be careful, Ben!

Oh!

Oh, no!

Don't worry, Ben, I'll just lick it up.

Mm. Hee-hee!

Now, what I want to know...

It's the joy, isn't it? It's the joy.

What I want to know, why would a wolf have a gay relationship with a crocodile?

Think about it, it would be the scariest blow job ever, wouldn't it?

I'll huff and I'll puff...

and I'll blow you till your eyes pop.

It's so stupid. What do these bigots want this cartoon to look like? This?

Hello, Mr Wolf.

Mr Wolf has stopped smoking,

which means he can get more air into his lungs...

BREATHES DEEPLY

..which gives him more energy for gay bashing.

Go on, Mr Wolf!

Next up, over in Serbia, a story about the freakiest headstone ever.

Grieving 72-year-old Milan Marinkovic wanted to fulfil his wife Milena's

last request not to be forgotten,

by having her likeness carved on her grave.

Oh, isn't that sweet? It's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

So, what did he put on her grave? A lovely picture of her face?

It wasn't her face the dying woman wanted her husband to remember the most.

It was her vagina.

She's got a cast of her vagina on her grave?!

Very ni-i-ice.

I love the fact it was her idea. Just on her deathbed. "Do...do...

"Will you do one thing for me when I die? Just one thing.

"You couldn't put my growler on a grave, could you?"

Wouldn't it be awful if she didn't actually want this?

If it turned out the husband was deaf

and she was just a massive fan of a bloke called Mike Hunt?

"I want Mike Hunt on my grave.

"Me and Mike Hunt together for ever.

"Do you know, I want people to stare all day at me and Mike Hunt."

She's got a vagina on her grave! Do you know who I feel sorry for?

Her grandchildren. "Do you want to visit your nan's grave?" "No!"

They'll be so freaked out. "Mum, what's that?"

"Um, well, um, that's a butterfly with an afro."

Christ, what's his gravestone going to look like? This?

This is an amazing story. Have a look what's been going on in Peru.

There's a local mayor in Peru - I believe the town is called Huarmey -

his name is Jose Benitez

and he has decided that the water in his town

is making the town gay.

The water is making people gay.

You shouldn't laugh, he's right.

I've been there. And the water is powerful stuff.

Ah.

AHHHH!

Now, this IS good news.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I was so bendy that day.

Hello, my friend. What's your name?

-Hi, I'm Tara and I am the UK's top horse hairdresser.

-Horse hairdresser?

-Fantastic. What does that entail?

-Basically...

LAUGHTER

Basically, you can add special colours to their hair.

If a girl wants to design a pony, for example.

-Or you can make their tail much more thick, curly.

-Lovely.

How about you, mate? Why do you think you should be in the news?

-What's your name, first of all?

-My name is Joe.

I should be in the news because I am the greatest Star Wars fan in the universe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yoto. Yoto.

What?

LAUGHTER AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

You should say, "Because I'm holding a thermal detonator."

Hm.

Ha-ha! Nice. You can't say you're the biggest fan

and not know what they say in Jabba's Palace.

-C-3PO says that.

-He doesn't.

When Leia is dressed up as the spy to get fucking Han Solo

out of that carbonite, she says, "Why should I listen to you?

and he goes, "Yoto. Yoto."

-Because I'm holding a thermal detonator.

-C-3PO says that bit.

-No, no, no, no!

-Yes. C-3PO translates it.

-He translates, but the subtitles say that.

-No, it doesn't.

-Yes, it does.

-It says...

-Are you watching the remastered ones or something?

I'm not watching the remastered ones.

Let's have a fight.

Have you got a spare... Can I have a go on that? Have you got one?

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Oh, shit!

He's got moves.

Shall I make the noise?

LIGHTSABER BUZZES

All right, all right!

Jesus.

"But I wanted to go into town and pick up a power converter!"

I'm going to slap you.

I like that move that you do, that one. Awesome.

Oh, yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Amazing.

Sit yourself down, you're going to do yourself a mischief.

That was fantastic. There you go.

Well, I'm going to have to give it to you

because I'm a huge fan of the Star Wars films.

I'm sorry. Point your face there. Smile. There you go.

Give it up for my Headliner!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Over in the US, have you seen the latest way they're trying to stop drink-driving?

Talking urinals have been introduced in the US

to encourage men not to drink and drive.

Talking toilets.

"I was going to get shitfaced, but the toilet fairy said no."

It gets weirder. For some reason, they only have female voices.

-SLURRED:

-"Why don't you do yourself a favour and drink my piss, you moany bitch?"

"Yeah?!

"You don't know me!"

How weird would that phone call be?

"Hello? You need to pick me up. Why? Because the toilet told me.

"Yeah. The toilet says I'm a danger to society."

Not that the toilet is always polite.

Check this out, it's brilliant.

Check out the most risque track on this party playlist.

Don't drive drunk.

If you do and you get arrested, the next urinal you pee in

will be in jail, with a hairy guy named Bubba standing behind,

asking you to pick up the soap and to be his bitch.

How full-on is that? What if you're not even drinking?

You're just having a wee and the toilet is like,

"You're going to get raped!"

"Eh?!

"I'm just drinking J2O!"

It's mad. Apparently... This is even weirder.

..they're going to have male voices in the ladies. Never going to work.

You just know somebody in the factory

will programme it to say this.

Giggedy.

You know they're doing that. It's the first thing you do.

Did you hear about this?

The government are looking to recruit a brand-new breed of spy.

A new scheme to recruit apprentice cyber spies has been

launched by the government.

Up to 100 18-year-olds will be given the chance

to train for a career in the Secret Service.

We're going to have 18-year-old spies.

"Ah, Mr Bond, I've been expecting you."

"Whatever, slaphead."

"Stop stroking your cat, you look like a paedo."

Imagine them getting interrogated.

"Where have you been?" "Nowhere."

"Who were you with?" "No-one."

"Who do you work for?"

"Nando's."

They'll be awful. Imagine them with Bond girls.

"Your name's Pussy Galore?

"Is that because you've got a massive fanny?"

They'd be terrible with gadgets.

You give an 18-year-old a laser, he won't use it to spy with.

Next up, this story is unbelievable.

Someone stole his penis!

Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

The tooth fairy has fucking lost it!

"I'm fed up of teeth. From now on, I shall be known as the Knob Goblin!"

He had his penis stolen!

So, who actually took it?

Was it his wife, was it a scorned lover? Oh, no.

Four men! Four men!

How big was his dick?

Four men!

"Terry, Terry, get a lorry. This monster's got some girth!"

IMITATES REVERSING LORRY BEEPS

My favourite part of the story is definitely this bloke's reaction.

It's sick for anybody to steal someone's penis. That's their penis.

It's not yours, it's their penis, it belongs on their body.

You have your own penis. You come with your own penis, man.

You don't go around stealing people's penis, man.

That's a no-no, man. That's how you get killed.

I love that quote on the end.

"Don't steal a man's penis, that's how you get killed." No, it isn't.

Nobody has ever been murdered for stealing a dick.

I've seen many episodes of Miss Marple. Not once...

Not once did you have, "Cause of death?

"He was a cock snatcher!

"Check his pockets, they're stuffed full of dick."

My favourite animal story of the year was definitely the Essex lion.

-A lion on the loose.

-A lion on the loose.

-Lion on the loose.

Pawing itself, it was rolling over.

-Were you frightened?

-No.

No. One bloke was.

What did the lion turn out to be?

He's called Teddy Bear and he's a Maine Coon cat,

which are bigger than your average cats.

It was a cat.

Mind you, if a lion does ever go to Essex, I think we all know where we want to see it.

Shut up.

ROAR

CHEERING

Did you see this fantastic story about a pissed businessman?

We can all get a bit disorientated at Tube stations,

but one Japanese businessman has been filmed trying,

for a whole two minutes, to walk down an escalator the wrong way.

I love it. I love the fact he was going for two minutes.

"Why won't my feet work?"

I also love the response of Londoners.

Shall we help him?" "Nah. Let's put him on YouTube!"

Imagine him the next morning.

"It's really weird, it's like I've got a hangover in my legs."

Mind you, if you think that's shocking, have a look at this.

24-year-old Minhee Cho visited her local New York Papa John's

for a Friday night dinner.

What she got was casual racism.

Cho noticed the receipt she received with her order gave her name as

"lady chinky eyes".

"Lady chinky eyes"? Who works there, Nick Griffin?

Mind you, they are bastards. Look what I got when I went there.

-What's your name?

-My name's Apes.

Apes. A-P-E-S?

How are YOU, mate?

-What's your name?

-Tim.

-Would you ever dress up like that, Tim?

I'll tell you afterwards.

LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING

So, why do you think you should be in the news, you silver fox?

I should be in the news because instead of boiling your carrots

to death this Christmas just to get some orange on your plate,

you can now play Christmas carols with them.

Like this.

HE PLAYS "DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Am I awake? What is happening? What are you doing, man?

You're playing a carrot like it's a flute.

-I am playing a carrot, yeah.

-Why?

Because that's what a carrot is for.

What else would you do with it?

There's many things you could do with that carrot.

APES LAUGHS

Dirty bitch.

Thanks a lot for watching Good News.

Until the next series, enjoy yourselves

and have a wonderful Christmas. Farewell, my friends.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd