Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour from the start.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much!

Thank you, thank you! Thank you!

Hello...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CONTINUES

..and welcome to Good News! So, what's been happening?

Channel 4 interviewed the politest mugger ever.

If you don't give me your wallet, I'll burgle your house.

LAUGHTER

Over on Daybreak, Richard Arnold showed everyone

how to pleasure a giant.

It works better if you're on a table...

This lady revealed Gary Lineker may be the father of her child.

I was worried when I was pregnant that my baby was going to smell of salt and vinegar crisps.

LAUGHTER

The big news was all about the US election.

Barack Obama secures a second term, having won key battleground states

and overcoming a strong challenge from the Republican, Mitt Romney.

We are greater than the sum of our individual ambitions,

and we remain more than a collection

of red states and blue states - we are and for ever will be

the United States of America!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Pretty cool.

But it gets worse for Romney. Not only did he lose -

look what this feisty old lady's going to do to him...

I'm going to track down Mitt Romney and give him

the word's biggest cock punch!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But where?

Right in the nut sack!

To be honest, anyone could have seen this coming. If you want to know

who's going to win an election, just ask the babies.

Here's what they think of Obama.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-And here's what they think of Romney.

LAUGHTER

Let's be honest, they're pretty good at spotting a dickhead.

LAUGHTER

For some reason, the US media have been interviewing loads of kids -

some were thoughtful, others, they got straight to the point.

Can you describe President Obama? What is he like?

He seems sort of, like, you know, like faithful,

like the loyal type of person.

He's black.

LAUGHTER

"Has Obama been good for the economy?" "He black!!"

"What do you think of Mitt Romney?"

"He white."

You ask kids about politics, some of the answers they give

will be very strange.

-Would you like to be president one day?

-No.

-Would you like to be president?

-No.

If you were to pretend you were talking to the American people,

what would you say?

Hello?

I come in...peace?

LAUGHTER

Back in Blighty, it's been a tough week for Boris.

After being mobbed in Birmingham, Boris Johnson was today

relentlessly heckled in Bristol.

-HECKLING

-You need someone who will put Britain on the map,

and that is the objective, and...

-Tories out! Tories out! >

-You've got some charming people here in Bristol.

You can see what absolute sweethearts they are.

Absolute sweethearts!

He didn't call them that later...

'..Boris Johnson attempted a strategic exit, he returned fire.'

-< Scum! Tory scum!

-Scum!

-LAUGHTER

-Aaaagh!

Lefty tossers!

Why don't you scummers lick my balls?!

Why are they booing him? How can you hate Boris?!

He's like a human bumblebee that's swallowed a thesaurus.

Uuuugh!

Rapscallion!

I mean, what other politician would praise our Olympic heroes like this?

You produced such paroxysms of tears and joy on the sofas of Britain

that you probably not only inspired a generation

but helped to create one as well.

-LAUGHTER

-And... I can get away with that.

And...!

See, if Cameron did that, it would just be creepy.

"Hello, Britain. Ha-ha-ha-ha...

"Did you enjoy the Olympics?

"I bet you had lots of sex, didn't you?

"I know me and Cleggy did."

-LAUGHTER AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Uu-aaaagh!

Now, elsewhere this week, Prince Charles has been on his travels.

The Duke and Duchess of Cornwall have spent the night

in Papua New Guinea, after touching down on the island nation

as part of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee tour.

Did you see what the lady who greeted them was wearing?

'The Royal couple, smiling and relaxed,

'as they received the traditional garland of flowers.'

I'm surprised he kept his cool -

he normally loses it in front of jubblies.

LAUGHTER

Mind you, that was nothing. Did you see

Prince Charles speaking Pidgin English?

It's absolutely brilliant.

Mi bringim bikpela tok hamamas bilong Mejesti Kwin

bilong Papua Niugini.

APPLAUSE

-LAUGHTER

-It's the smile at the end, isn't it?

Show it again - he looks so pleased with himself!

LAUGHTER

My name's Charlie, Pidgin's my hobby,

when I smile, I look like Dobby!

I can't stop watching it.

And if you put a beat under it, it's even better.

Bilong mi lon dispela

taim bilong Diamon Jubili bilong Misis Kwin.

Pisin, me bringim Pisin,

Me bringim Pisin

Me talk Pisin all rite!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

From big beats to a galaxy far, far away.

Three new Star Wars films are to be made after Disney announced

it was buying the company behind the franchise.

Disney will buy Lucasfilm from George Lucas for around £2.5 billion.

Disney is making three new Star Wars. To quote Yoda -

"Shit it will be!"

Apparently the new film is going to be set when Luke's an old man.

That'll be a barrel of laughs, won't it? "What's wrong, Luke?"

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-"It's the bloody Empire.

"They've taken me bus pass.

"Save the galaxy? You have it. I can't eat chocolate any more.

"I'll be on the toilet all night. Oh, Christ,

"it'll be like shoes falling out of a loft."

I'm not the only one upset - check out this fella.

4 billion...to the highest fucking bidder?!

Oh, and guess who bought it, huh?

You know who? Disney, fucking Disney! Of course you know!

UNINTELLIGIBLE ..to my fucking...!

Wasn't he in South Park?

Cartman gets madder.

Check out the film he reckons Lucas wants to make.

George Lucas is setting on a porcelain toilet

in a solid white room in front of a solid white wall...

and he starts...grimacing, just, oh!

And he takes the nastiest, big hunk of shit

right in the toilet, then he reaches in and he grabs it...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

He grabs it by the hand, he starts writing on the wall.

E-PI-S-O-D-E S-E-V-E-N.

And he flicks you off with his shit-covered hands!

To be fair, it still sounds better than The Phantom Menace.

Here's the film I want to see -

two hours of this prick just getting punched.

-Wouldn't that be great?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Where? I'll let this lady explain.

Right in the nut sack!

Although on the plus side, Disney and Star Wars...?

Might be a good idea?

DONALD DUCK QUACKS AGGRESSIVELY

AUDIENCE: Oh!

In health news, have you heard the latest way to get rid of wrinkles?

Recently trained in Thailand,

Tata claims she's now the first

face-slapping practitioner in the Western hemisphere.

Yeah, slapping the face gets rid of wrinkles.

How did they figure this out? "I hate you so much!" Whack!

"Hey, you look great!"

Apparently celebs are huge fans.

Have you seen what Kelly Brook looked like before the treatment?

LAUGHTER

Mind you, if you think slapping is a bit much,

look what else they do!

In Thailand, for years, they have been slapping faces

and something else that roughly translates as butt-punching.

Butt-punching?!

That won't make you look younger, it'll make you look like this!

LAUGHTER

Now, if that isn't your thing, maybe this is.

Scientists have invented a spray that makes ladies go, "Eeeh-eeh-ey".

Australian researchers are heading trials

of the world's first Viagra-style treatment for women.

The nasal spray, dubbed "Female Viagra",

delivers testosterone in a gel.

A spray that makes women horny. Did you hear that?

That's the sound of my brother going, "YES!"

He'll rock up to his next date with a Super Soaker!

Whhssshhhh!

Mind you, it's not all good news. Have you seen the side effects?

The Australian Medical Association fears the spray

could have side effects.

Acne, a deeper voice, hair growth, that sort of thing.

Poor women, they're horny as fuck, now they look like the Gruffalo!

"Please, shag me." "No, you've got hooves!"

LAUGHTER

It's insane. Look what happened to Charlotte Church when she took it.

Here's Charlotte before.

And here she is after!

LAUGHTER

Not that some ladies need any help. Did you read about this woman?

A woman's rare disorder sees her suffer from constant orgasms

for up to eight hours a day.

Her poor fanny!

"Kill me!"

Her husband must follow her round with a mop!

Feel like he's on a curling team...

LAUGHTER

Mind you, it is not just her, this phenomena is all over the news!

Oh!

Argh!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Ah!

I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm going to bring spare underpants just in case.

LAUGHTER

Next up, a story about some kids who went trick-or-treating

and got more than they bargained for.

A man is due in court tomorrow after children were given bags of cocaine

while out trick-or-treating last night.

He gave children cocaine!

What a dick.

Apparently the parents were livid. The kids, not so fussed.

LAUGHTER

Imagine them getting home, "Hi, kids."

"Yes, we are!"

Luckily, they didn't actually take it.

Thank Christ! Imagine a kid on coke!

"I like jelly and cats and spiders. And when I'm big,

"I'm going to play tennis with an alien,

"and then we're going to eat candy-floss made out of magic dust!

"Mu-u-um!

I've got the Igglepiggle giggles!

LAUGHTER

"Look at this, Mum, I'm going to do an impression of a mop!"

LAUGHTER

Not that it's the most shocking kids story of the week.

Check out the latest craze for children's parties in America.

The new twist on pool parties. A Florida man is spicing them up

by throwing alligators in the water with children.

Holy shit!

They're throwing alligators in a kids' pool?!

Argh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Poor kids. "Happy birthday, Timmy!"

Christ, I bet even Barrymore is going, "Bit much." It's madness.

Have you seen the way they protect them?

Barrett says this is all safe.

He tapes the gator's mouth shut before the party.

Fucking Sellotape!

LAUGHTER

Call me mad, but if I'm swimming with a crocodile,

the last thing I want protecting me is stationery!

"Is that a shark?"

"Yeah, but we covered his eyes with Blu-Tack. He's fine!"

What else are the kids playing with - this?

LAUGHTER

Not that it's all bad news for children.

This guy wins my award for Catch of the Year.

Have a look at this, it's amazing.

A young lady with kids were yelling.

I looked up and saw a little girl on the air conditioner.

I ran over there to see what I could do. I caught the little girl.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Amazing. What a dude. Not only did he save the kid from dying,

he's also got a catchphrase!

How smooth is he?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"A hero ain't nothing but a sandwich."

You stopped that old lady from getting hit by a bus!

"Damn right, baby, it's what a Scotch egg does."

You're a hero!

"No, I'm a Dairylea Dunker. Seriously, I put my dick in cheese."

LAUGHTER

"But I think after catching a baby, I've earned the right to do that."

"Catch. Boom. All right!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

This is a Mystery Guest who has been in the news.

And I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome my Mystery Guest!

APPLAUSE

Hello. I have to shake with the left, I have a bad hand, I'm afraid.

Nice to meet you, thanks for coming on the show.

-What's your name, friend?

-Dom.

Wow, this is an array of stuff here you've got.

What should I be looking at most here out of the Rubik's Cube and the elephant?

The elephant.

OK. Do you do ferocious shits?

LAUGHTER

Mammoth-size! No!

-Have you ever been put in a cage and fed peanuts?

-Not yet.

Not yet!

Is that what we're going to be doing later?!

-Do you never forget?

-What are mem... Ah!

OK. So you've got a good memory.

-Yes.

-It that what you're...?

-Yes.

-OK. So, why?

-Well, the news article is all about how to improve your memory.

-OK.

And I am the eight-times World Memory Champion.

There you go. That's pretty cool, isn't it?

-APPLAUSE

-Yeah, thanks for coming in.

So, have you always had a good memory, or did you train yourself?

No, I trained my memory.

It wasn't until I was 30 that I saw somebody on television memorise a deck of cards.

And I thought, "That's fantastic. That's the best card trick I've ever seen in the world.

"I could pull a few women with this trick!"

-LAUGHTER

-Has that ever worked?

From memorising cards, you've pulled women?

It's a good party trick, yes.

So, here's a question for you.

Do you use your powers for good or...?

Because these are powers. Do you use them for good or for bad?

I did use them for bad a few years ago.

-Why, what did you do?

-Well, it depends how you regard bad.

I was a card counter. I used to go into casinos,

and if they didn't shuffle the decks properly,

I was able to memorise them and beat the casino at their own game.

-So I made a living out of Black Jack.

-Oh, did you? Nice!

But then I got...

But that is amazing!

APPLAUSE

Because you've got this sort of sexy, owly feel about you.

So the idea that you're making money out of Black Jack,

and ladies, "Can I ride on the back of your motorbike?"

And you're like, "Yeah, if you want, baby. Rrrrr."

So, can you show us some tips? I'd like to learn from you.

Yeah. OK, look. I'm going to give you a list of items to memorise.

Just a quick test, see what your memory's like already.

-OK.

-All right, a squashed football. A dead parrot. A brassiere.

A set of false teeth. A cuddly toy. A pineapple.

A photo of Justin Bieber. A dildo.

LAUGHTER

A blow drier. A banana.

Is this like an alternative "Mum's gone to Iceland" advert?

A funky sort of Iceland, yes.

And after the banana was a hammer, and then finally, a red ball.

What was the sixth item on the list?

Can you remember any items?

Yeah, there was a squashed parrot.

LAUGHTER

Justin Bieber was there.

-There was a banana?

-Yeah, but you didn't get them in sequence.

-Shall I give you the technique? It's very, very simple.

-OK.

There's 12 objects, OK? We'll break them down into pairs.

Six pairs. And I want you to go on a journey around your house.

You'll have to describe this to me.

-Walk around...

-Aaagh, my brother's naked in his room!

Shut that door.

-Don't go in that room, man.

-Start off in your bedroom.

I'm in my bedroom. I'm safe.

-You need six places around your house.

-Six places, OK.

Imagine you have woken up in the morning, 10 o'clock in the morning.

I'm late for work!

LAUGHTER

At the end of the bed is a squashed football.

-How the hell did that get there?

-Exactly.

-You need to work out why it's squashed.

-OK.

There's a parrot next to it.

It's a head-butting parrot?

LAUGHTER

-So that's what happens in the bedroom.

-Yeah, it is.

So now leave your bedroom.

I'm getting the fuck out of there, yeah!

He's done that to a football, what's he done to my balls?

-We'll get on to those later.

-OK.

Where are you now, when you left the bedroom?

I'm in the kitchen, man. I'm scared, man.

-You've gone straight to the kitchen?

-Yeah, yeah.

OK. The next object is a brassiere, followed by a set of false teeth.

LAUGHTER

Wayne Rooney's been round.

-LAUGHTER Picture it.

-Got it.

The next thing is the cuddly toy, in another room,

-and a pineapple.

-Let's go into the scullery.

LAUGHTER

The cuddly toy is doing something with a pineapple.

LAUGHTER

In the scullery.

OK, yeah. I'm seeing Bruce Forsyth.

"Cuddly toy?"

It's Bruce dressed as the cuddly toy with the pineapple.

"It's why I have to take time off from Strictly.

-"Get out, this is my scullery." I'm seeing that.

-Next place?

"It's one of my five a day." Get out, Bruce!

-The next place.

-Let's go to the weights room downstairs.

LAUGHTER

You're in there now, there's Justin Bieber...

AUDIENCE SCREAMS

..he's doing something with a dildo.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Has he taken advice from the world to finally go fuck himself?

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

-# Baby, baby... #

-Next place?

Next place. Let's take a trip to the attic.

-The attic?

-Yes.

The next two objects are a blow-drier and a banana.

A sweaty banana, nice.

The last two objects. Last place?

-Let's go to the garden.

-The garden.

-Yeah.

It's a hammer and a red ball.

-What's the connection?

-I'm thinking Thor and he's run out of energy.

LAUGHTER

OK, so we've gone through the technique.

Let's put you to the test. See if you can remember all 12.

Yes. Let's do this.

CHEERING

So, here we are. Explain what's going to happen now.

I've got to pick all the boxes, is that right?

Yeah, take me through the story you've just done

and we'll reveal the 12 objects.

Starting at this end. So what happened?

I woke up, there was a parrot... There was a deflated football.

-And parrot that had head-butted it.

-Yes.

Then I went down to my kitchen.

You know what I discovered down there?

Madness. There was a bra.

-Then false teeth.

-OK.

-Weird.

-Then?

-Then I needed to compose myself.

So I went to the weights room.

LAUGHTER

No, I didn't. Where did I go next?

AUDIENCE: Scullery!

I went to the scullery. I found Bruce Forsyth... No, I didn't.

I found a cuddly toy and a pineapple, that's what I found.

Very good.

Then I went to my weights room, I found Bieber and a dildo.

-That was ridiculous.

-What came after the dildo?

What came after the dildo?

LAUGHTER

That was... I went to the attic.

Up in the attic I saw a hairdryer and a banana.

That's exactly what I saw.

Then finally, in the garden, I saw a hammer and some Red Bull.

There we go.

Take that one off.

Aaargh!

Jesus Christ!

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Listen, what I do in my garden is my own business!

-LAUGHTER That worked.

-Thanks very much.

-That's how you did it, using your imagination and the story.

-Got it.

Trouble is, you're never going to forget that list.

I'll never forget that list?

You know one thing that'll never be forgotten? This.

Aaaagh!

MAN IN BOX GIGGLES

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my Mystery Guest!

Now, Prince Charles wasn't the only Royal in the news.

The Queen needs a new butler.

'It looks like Her Majesty could do with a hand

'keeping her house in order.

'Posted on the Positions Vacant website for Buckingham Palace

'is this job for a housekeeping assistant.'

Working at Buckingham Palace, imagine the things you'd see.

Whoa!

I'd leave that five minutes if I were you. Busted!

So, cleaning royal turds all day,

you'd probably get paid a fortune, right?

Don't expect to earn a fortune.

At £14,200 per annum,

it's not the best-paid job in the world.

14 grand? What a tight arse!

"Chop, chop, pauper, Charles needs his testicles buffed."

LAUGHTER

Still, there are worse jobs. Check this out!

That is not a job. That is a farmer taking the piss.

"I can't believe it worked, all I need now is a tin man, a lion

"and I got me The Wizard of Oz."

I know what you're thinking.

What's the best thing about being a scarecrow?

'It has perks, I mean, I listen to podcasts.

'I was listening to a debate between

'Christopher Hitchens and somebody about

'the beginnings of the universe,'

I looked up saw a squirrel doing acrobatics in a tree. It's got variety.

"I mean, yeah, my mates are earning money, meeting new people,

"but have they seen a squirrel do a star jump?"

LAUGHTER

"I'm so lonely!"

Mind you, he shouldn't be sad.

I've seen worse things happen in a field!

LAUGHTER

How unlucky is that cow?

"I've got me head stuck, what's the worst that can...

"Oh, no, Darren, no!"

So you're probably thinking royal cleaners, scarecrows -

jobs don't get weirder than that! Well, check out what this guy

in America does for a living.

Communication is a big part of what I teach.

'Eric Amaranth is a coach.

'His teaching methods are a bit unorthodox.'

Eric is a sex coach.

He's a sex coach.

So, does he chat to people about their hang-ups, show them diagrams?

Oh, no.

He feels that he's more helpful to his clients

when he actually watches them have sex.

That's right, as in standing at the foot of their bed.

"Hello!"

LAUGHTER

How weird would that be?

You're trying to have sex, there's a bloke there going,

"That's right, yeah."

LAUGHTER

"Yeah, yeah. Go on!

"Hit her on the head with it, it gets rid of wrinkles."

LAUGHTER

It's ridiculous! A sex coach. It's like something out of the '70s.

What does his advert look like? This?

Child support? Get f...

Hi, I'm Sex Coach.

With me in your life, you'll go from this...

..to this!

-Yes!

-Sex Coach!

I never used to find my wife attractive,

until Sex Coach showed me an ingenious new method.

LAUGHTER

Sex Coach!

I'll even help gay men!

But I will not be in the room.

So what are you waiting for?

Call me on 1800,

argh, argh, argh!

Don't take my word for it, check out what this guy thought...

Very nice!

APPLAUSE

Finally tonight, an amazing story

about an 11-year-old girl called Maria Rowe.

'This afternoon, 11-year-old Maria Rowe

'is enjoying an after-school snack with her father, John.

'He's still recovering from a major heart attack,

'a day she will never forget.

'Maria was watching TV when her dad collapsed and stopped breathing.

'She dialled 999 for an ambulance. This is a recording of that call.'

'Maria Rowe told the operator she knew what to do.'

I told my mum to put my dad on the floor,

because I was going to do CPR.

My dad was a bit heavy, so we both had to carry him down.

On the third round of CPR, my dad kind of breathed back to me.

Then the ambulance came and I was sent out of the room.

She said, "Calm down, Mummy. I will bring back Daddy."

It takes a lot of nerve to give CPR, no matter how old you are.

REPORTER: Considering your daughter's just 11?

She's a miracle worker. My angel.

REPORTER: 'Maria learnt her first aid as a cadet

'with the St John Ambulance

'and they've now nominated her for a national award.

'But Maria is unfazed. She says she's studying hard -

'she wants to be a doctor -

'and is just happy to have her dad back.'

Excellent. There you go.

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night! Farewell!

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