Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Hello! And welcome back to Good News. So what's been happening?

Well, here's a tip - if you're interviewed on TV,

careful where you place the microphone.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Is it me, or did this guy really sound like Kermit the Frog?

-How do you evaluate that? KERMIT-LIKE:

-Well, you know...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

The state is going through a complete reformation

of the criminal justice system.

If you look back at the last year's or the current year...

It's incredible, isn't it?

Over on BBC South East,

this lady wins my award for fake laugh of the week.

There was hardly any time to think about it, to be honest.

Just, you know, started growing the beard, really!

-FAKE LAUGH

-Good to talk to you.

LAUGHTER

Don't ever touch me. Don't ever touch me.

Finally, this lady has to be the filthiest news reporter ever.

Is it me, or is she miming a blow job?

My son was teething.

He used to like to take the bits out of my vibrating toothbrush

-and put it in his mouth.

-OK.

And just kind of sit there like, "Oh, yeah...that feels good...

"That hits the spot. My gums are itchy."

LAUGHTER

The big political news was of course this.

The Queen and dignitaries from around the world have attended

the ceremonial funeral of Baroness Thatcher.

Her coffin was taken from the Palace of Westminster this morning

through the streets of London.

In a funeral with full military honours for Britain's first

female prime minister.

Some people were sad...

It's always very sad when people die.

That was just... She was somebody special.

Some people, not so sad.

Thatcher is dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!

Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! She's dead!

Wouldn't it be great if she came back to life just to piss him off?

LAUGHTER

Luckily, the news interviewed a sweet old granny.

I wonder what she had to say.

Do you think she did any good?

Not a bit of good. Not a bit.

I'd put a stake through her heart and garlic round her neck to make sure she never came back.

Holy shit, it's Frankie Boyle's nan!

-LAUGHTER

-It's fair to say Thatcher was a divisive woman.

The right loved her because she transformed the economy

and reduced the stranglehold on the trade unions,

whereas the left hated her because she ruined communities and condemned many to abject poverty.

Or, to put it in teenage speak...

Some people are like, "Oh, she's great,"

and some people are like, "Oh, she sucks."

LAUGHTER

Cheers, teenage boy!

Now we all understand(!)

mind you, think he's bad, have a look at Channel 4's coverage.

They weren't afraid to focus on the big issues of Thatcher's reign.

You were very close to her.

I remember the stories that she cooked omelettes for you upstairs in the flat.

My recollection is they were shepherd's pies.

LAUGHTER

And her apple crumble was the bollocks!

LAUGHTER

Still, wittering on about cooking is nothing. Did you see CNN's coverage?

Of all the photos they could have selected to illustrate this story,

look at the one they went with.

Lady Thatcher, the Iron Lady, has died at the age of 87.

British reports say...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"Shall we show her with the Queen?" "Nah, I've got just the photo."

LAUGHTER

Some people were so overjoyed with her death, they had death parties.

Thousands attended in places like Durham had Glasgow.

Fair to say it didn't exactly kick off here.

There's currently a street party in Barker's Pool.

Our political editor Len Tingle is there.

LAUGHTER

"Where's everyone else?"

LAUGHTER

One of the oddest details about the story is what

she was doing before she passed away.

She was watching dog videos on the internet!

It's kind of hard to imagine, isn't it?

Mind you, what a great way to go.

I can't think of a better way to die than watching this.

LAUGHTER

Ahhh...

LAUGHTER

Elsewhere in the news, Justin Bieber's been acting like a twat.

The Canadian popstar Justin Bieber has caused outrage with

comments he made at the Anne Frank Museum in Amsterdam.

The singer wrote in the guest book that...

I'm surprised he didn't write,

"It's great to finally visit the home of the world hide-and-seek champion."

LAUGHTER

Imagine him in the Black History Museum.

"Dear Martin Luther King, I had a dream, too.

"It was about a frog who was really bouncy!"

LAUGHTER

"She would have been a Belieber." I must have missed the bit in her

diary when she went, "If I survive this awful war, I have one dream -

"I'd love to meet a man who looks like a chipmunk...

LAUGHTER

"..and wears trousers that make him look like he's done a massive shit."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"That's the dream."

Surely Beliebers are more likely to be Nazis.

Think about it - they worship a short bloke who talks bollocks and can't grow a proper moustache.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They've got nothing in common.

Here's what Anne Frank's diary looks like.

And here's Justin Bieber's.

LAUGHTER

From Bieber to the threat of nuclear war. It's all kicking off in Korea.

Tension on the Korean Peninsular is running at dangerous levels.

Kim Jong-un is seen as a loose cannon by the West,

but no-one can really second-guess how this crisis will play out.

North Korea has said it's planning to fire another missile over

the Pacific Ocean, possibly as early as tomorrow.

Are you worried about the nuclear threat?

-AUDIENCE: No!

-Me neither. I've seen their rockets.

COUNTDOWN IN KOREAN

LAUGHTER

They've got nothing.

-APPLAUSE

-Literally nothing.

Check out their binoculars.

LAUGHTER

Their leader, Kim Jong-un,

has threatened to start a nuclear war, but no-one's worried, are we?

He's like the mad kid at school who just makes things up.

"I've got missiles and rockets and a flame monkey with lasers for eyes

"and my dog is made of marshmallows and when it barks it fires sweets that haven't even been invented yet

"and my dad's so cool he wees Coca-Cola."

LAUGHTER

He calls himself the Supreme Leader.

That doesn't make him sound scary, it makes him sound like a pizza.

LAUGHTER

He's such an oddball. He cuts his own hair!

What with, a fucking rock?!

LAUGHTER

And have you noticed in every news report, he's always looking

through binoculars?

'With the situation close to thermonuclear war,

'foreigners in South Korea should evacuate.

'But if North Korea's European-educated leader is

'trying to scare them, it doesn't seem to have worked.'

He always looks really confused.

There's always that moment when he goes...

LAUGHTER

I think I know why he's pulling that face.

MARTIAL MUSIC

LOUD CLANGING

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's a scary old place, North Korea. It's like something out of 1984.

The people are brainwashed, terrified.

Every time you see them on the news they've clearly been forced

to say something against their will.

HE GIBBERS

But I actually got hold of a machine which tells you what

they're REALLY thinking.

LAUGHTER

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

I like that.

Have you seen their military propaganda videos?

They're ridiculous. They're full of things they can't possibly do - leaping, jumping,

leaping through fire. It's true. Take a look at this.

STIRRING MUSIC

LAUGHTER

Mind you, we've all done propaganda videos.

You should see the trailer for Good News that I wanted to show.

MARTIAL ARTS-TYPE YELLING

HE YELLS

HE YELLS

UNZIPPING

# Baby, baby, baby... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE YELLS

From America, some shocking news about a teacher.

A California middle school teacher has been placed on leave after

school administrators found out she is a hardcore porn star.

LAUGHTER

The teacher is a porn star!

"Good day at school?" "The best ever!"

LAUGHTER

"What did you learn?" "So much!"

LAUGHTER

Did you see... Did you see how she got caught?

Some of her students were looking at dirty movies online

and saw their science teacher.

What a woman! Imagine trying to control that class now.

"Why haven't you done your homework?" "Cos I was staring at your clunge all night."

LAUGHTER

"Flappin' it about like no-one cares!"

LAUGHTER

So are the parents disgusted? Oh, no, check out this hound!

She's a really good teacher.

Oooeerrgh!

LAUGHTER

Ohhh!

How creepy does he sound?

"She's a really good teacher.

"I don't even have kids."

"But I know a good teacher when I see one sucking dick."

LAUGHTER

Mind you, if you think porn stars teaching kids is a shocking story,

it's got NOTHING on the HORROR going on in British schools.

Finally, they've done something about this!

A school in Essex has banned triangular flapjacks,

saying they're too dangerous.

Dinner staff at Castle View School, Canvey Island,

were told to cut the treat into squares or rectangles

after a pupil was hit in the face by a flying flapjack.

So ridiculous. In America, kids are like, AK47.

Over here, Mr Kipling.

LAUGHTER

Flapjacks! Reckon there's kids bragging outside school? "I got suspended."

"What for?" "I was eating a flapjack that weren't shaped like an oblong."

LAUGHTER

"I didn't give a fuck!"

School's really changed.

When I was at school, bullies gave you dead legs, Chinese burns.

Now they're giving you snacks!

LAUGHTER

"You'd better watch out, Howard,

"or you'll get a taste of my mum's delicious Madeira cake."

LAUGHTER

"I wouldn't want to be you halfway through geography -

"you is gonna have a well bad sugar crash!"

LAUGHTER

So I bet the parents thought this story was ridiculous, right?

Clearly this is a very dangerous implement that should be locked away

and kept out of the way of children, because obviously there's

going to be quite a few injuries with something as dangerous as that.

LAUGHTER

It's a fucking flapjack!

LAUGHTER

I think we should be less worried about flapjacks

and more worried about who their new PE teacher is.

LAUGHTER

There are so many stories like this in England, though.

Have you seen what's happening in Swindon?

They've been painting the town yellow in the last few days to stop

drivers parking in Swindon's backstreets and alleyways.

But wait till you see the latest one.

They have painted. This is now a no-parking zone.

Even though you couldn't drive down it.

It's so pointless. It's like putting up a sign on the M6 that says,

"Please do not play Jenga in the fast lane."

LAUGHTER

Do you know who I feel sorry for?

People who get pissed and fall asleep on the road.

LAUGHTER

The big football news was of course this.

Luis Suarez has apologised tonight for biting

Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic during their match at Anfield.

Midway through the second half of Liverpool's Premier League

match against Chelsea, Suarez, seemingly unprovoked,

appears to bite Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic.

Everyone's gone mental. "He's an animal." "He should be deported." Come on, it's a one-off.

It's not like he's ever done this before.

He was banned for seven matches for biting an opponent's shoulder

whilst playing for Ajax.

OK, once, but...

You should be aware Russell Howard supports Liverpool Football Club

and suffers from a condition called Suarez Blindness,

which means he loves him so much, he often talks complete bollocks.

LAUGHTER

He wasn't biting him, he was giving him a kiss!

Branislav Ivanovic probably smeared himself in Reggae Reggae sauce.

He wasn't biting him, he was doing an impression of a vampire!

He loves him! That's what you do in Uruguay when you love someone! You people don't understand!

When you and I see Branislav Ivanovic we see THIS!

Poor Luis Suarez sees THIS!

He can't help it! Luis Suarez is a saint!

He runs a soccer camp in America that teaches underprivileged

kids how to play! And I bet they love it!

LAUGHTER

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Mind you, it's definitely going to change the half-time adverts.

All right, Russ?

All right, Russ, man! Check out THESE odds.

LAUGHTER

This is the part of the show I genuinely know nothing about.

It's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who that person is.

So please welcome our mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, Russell.

-Hiya, man!

Lovely! You look like you're in a hollowed-out polar bear bollock.

LAUGHTER

-Can I sit in mine?

-Of course you can.

-Thanks, man.

-Nice to meet you. Isn't it comfy in here?

-It's really comfortable.

-What's your name?

-Andy Dunlop.

-Andy, nice to meet you, man.

-And you've got some medals there. Can I have a look?

-Course you can.

-The medals have got chickens on them.

-They have.

Which implies you are either criminally insane or...

-LAUGHTER

-..you are very good at looking after chickens.

-Yup.

-Is that what you do? You look after chickens?

I do look after chickens.

I've got a cockerel and nine wives, all called Beryl.

-He's got nine wives?

-Yep.

That's all right! Are they actually married? Have you done little chicken weddings?

-Yeah, they've all been married properly.

-Have they?

-Oh, yes.

LAUGHTER WOMAN: Awww!

Don't "Awwww!" That's...

LAUGHTER

-Were you dressed as a vicar when you did the service?

-No.

Oh, you son of a bitch! You got me then.

LAUGHTER

So is that why you've been in the news, cos you're...?

No, it's not because of chicken weddings.

It's because I'm an international sportsman.

You're an international sportsman? OK, er...

-Do you throw chickens?

-No. LAUGHTER

-Catch?

-No.

LAUGHTER

-Compete against?

-No.

-Shall I give you my job title?

-I would very much like that.

I'm the world president of the World Egg Throwing Federation.

-Wow!

-LAUGHTER

And how far could you fling an egg?

Well, personally, I can't throw one very far

because I've got an old tossing injury.

LAUGHTER

The world record for throwing and catching an egg

is held by the Dutch couple of Smink and Kooistra,

who can throw and catch a raw egg without breaking it 69.5 metres.

-Wow! Are they here tonight?

-No.

-Lazy bastards!

-LAUGHTER

-Probably at home making a friggin' porno film.

Here's a question for you - does it not really piss off the chickens?

LAUGHTER

I've not ever laid an egg myself

but I imagine it takes something out of you.

-They make a hell of a noise.

-HE CLUCKS LOUDLY

"Fuckin' egg!" And then you come along and go, "Cheers for that."

LAUGHTER

Fuckin' good one. Lay another one.

"I don't want to lay another one."

LAUGHTER

-so why are you in the news exactly? Do you mind if I ask?

-Not at all.

I was the team captain of England.

We went to India and we beat the Indians at Russian Egg Roulette.

Russian Egg Roulette. That's worth a round of applause! Fantastic!

What kind of egg-based fun are we going to have?

We're going to show you some of the games that we play at the world championships.

Let's egg on!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ANDY LAUGHS

OK, Russell, you've got six eggs in front of you.

Five of them are hard-boiled, one's raw.

You've got to distinguish which one it is without touching it.

The first egg you touch, you've got to use...

LAUGHTER ..and to prove it's the hard-boiled egg,

you've got to smash it onto your own forehead.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

The way we operate this at the height of the World Egg Throwing Championships

-is we use Reiki. Have you heard of Reiki?

-I have, yeah.

That's where you can feel the life force...

-You use it to get rid of the leave-ies.

-LAUGHTER

You can use Reiki to identify the life force

by placing your hand above the egg

and feeling round to see which one's got the life force coming off it.

-Do you want to practise that?

-You don't advise doing this when it's still in the chicken.

-No.

LAUGHTER

-Do you feel the difference?

-Oh, I can, you know!

-You can?

-Yeah.

Excellent. I'll show you how it's done, first of all.

Just spin it so we don't know which one's which.

HAHHHH!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

GGGHHHAAA!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're doing well, but you might want to try the other method,

which is aura-watching. Every living creature's got an aura.

Well, if you look across the eggs,

you can see the raw one's got a light-blue aura.

-OK?

-While we're here, have you seen the aura on Dora the Explorer?

LAUGHTER

HAAA!

APPLAUSE

Oh, shit.

LAUGHTER

SCREAMS OF LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest!

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Next up, have a look at this story from a zoo in Spain.

This one has people talking tonight. Gina is a naughty chimp.

She lives in a zoo in Spain and apparently is addicted to porn.

LAUGHTER

That's right, you heard right.

There is a lady monkey in Spain who spends all day touching herself watching porn.

LAUGHTER

Did you see what her neighbours thought?

LAUGHTER

Imagine her on a nature documentary.

David Attenborough - "Here we see the mighty monkey flicking

"herself off like a banshee."

LAUGHTER

"She's gone through ten bananas today,

"but she hasn't eaten any of them!"

LAUGHTER

I know what you're thinking - how does a monkey become addicted to porn?

Somebody was doing some research and put a TV outside of the enclosure.

The TV has a remote

and she would change it to a channel that had adult entertainment on it.

They put a telly outside her cage and SHE switched it to porn.

And apparently, she was watching some pretty freaky stuff!

Do you know the worst thing?

She's been teaching the other monkeys to watch porn.

Some people were shocked. This guy didn't mind it.

She's a really good teacher.

LAUGHTER

Next up, if you think you've got a weird relationship, check this out.

It was love at first sight.

His body and then his interior

and everything together just seemed to fit

and I just felt an instant connection.

Nathaniel is in a committed relationship with a car that

he's named Chase.

AUDIENCE: Eurgh!

He's in love with his car.

-He must lose his shit watching Top Gear, just...

-HE MOANS

"Look at its hubcaps."

Poor car! Just sat in the showroom. "Tell you what, lads, can't wait to be bought.

"Driving really fast on motorways, picking up wom... Oh!

"There's something in my exhaust pipe."

LAUGHTER

I can see the Churchill dog in the back window going, "Oh, no..."

LAUGHTER

Poor car! I bet every time he honks the horn he just goes, "Help!"

"HEEEELLLPPP!"

That car isn't even red, it's just fucking blushing!

LAUGHTER

"HEELLLPPP!"

What's he doing shagging a car?

I mean, he's got a female flatmate, for goodness sake!

My initial reaction was I was kinda shocked.

I'll take the car.

-The weirdest...

-LAUGHTER

The weirdest part of the story is his confession to his dad.

-There's something pretty important I want to talk to you about.

-All right.

I'm, uh...just going to come out and say it, I guess.

I'm in an intimate relationship with Chase.

Sexually and emotionally.

You're in an intimate relationship with your car.

-LAUGHTER

-His dad is totally fine! It goes on for ten minutes.

They have a chat - "Yeah, cool!"

Here's how that would have gone down with MY old man.

Guess what, Dad? I'm shagging the car.

You fucking...!

LAUGHTER

Why can't you be more like your brother?!

All right, Dad?

HE GRUNTS

Yeah, that was my actual brother.

LAUGHTER

Next up, a lovely story about a magical friendship

between a boy called Owen and a dog called Haatchi.

These two have a magical connection.

-Owen and Haatchi are inseparable.

-He changed my life.

I was scared for ages before, but now I'm not.

Their bond has been forged through a mutual understanding of what

it's like to be different.

Seven-year-old Owen has a rare genetic condition called

Schwartz-Jampel Syndrome. It causes severe muscle stiffness.

We believe there's about 25-ish cases in the world.

His mobility is poor. He can't walk unaided.

Anatolian Shepherd Haatchi has three legs.

A previous owner tied him to a railway track

and he was hit by a train.

-WOMAN:

-As soon as I saw his face, there was a connection that I can't describe, really,

but I just knew that we belonged to him.

Owen knows Haatchi's different. Hatchie's got this missing leg.

He's not perfect. He's not normal. He's not a normal dog.

You can see when you look at them

from a distance, there's sideways glances going on all the time.

And they're sharing very private,

intimate moments every few seconds and making sure each one's OK

and that they're there for each other.

And that is the most moving thing about it.

He's a great dog to me. He changed my life.

Yeah, it's lovely, isn't it?

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much for watching Good News. Farewell, my chums, farewell.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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