Xmas Special Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Hello! Hello! Thank you very much. So, hello, welcome to my show.

This week I've been going from chimney to chimney to find stories that make you laugh.

So, it's the Christmas Special!

What do we think about that?

Amen, hallelujah and bo-o-o-om.

Judging by his hair, John Prescott is clearly after some Jedward tickets this Christmas.

Very controversial decision.

They said it'd be a white elephant, it wouldn't be successful.

People get funny about food at Christmas.

You see, I have a special relationship with turkeys.

Alison Moyet knows what you've had for breakfast just by kissing you.

-Thanks, Alison.

-You're welcome.

Lovely meeting you. Thank you.

-Continental.

-I know!

Full English.

# Let it snow, let it snow Let it snow. #

Now, everybody loves snow.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, because then we can look forward to the joys of sledging.

Pretty scary. Nearly as terrifying as this.

Come and sit down here by the fire,

and I'll tell you the Christmas story.

Imagine the BNP nativity. "There's no room at the inn.

"Now fuck off."

Getting back to the weather, who doesn't enjoy building a snowman? Some of them are wonderful.

Some of them know they're going to die, but in their short time on Earth, they really go for it.

Most snowmen die peacefully. Others really don't.

And when you're done with snowmen, what are you left with? Snowballs!

I love it when adults take on kids, because kids don't know the meaning of the word, "Stop".

..in front of all of us here.

They're all there, loaded up, as you can see, with snow...

That probably wasn't the best idea I've had this weekend.

We're enjoying it here, Martin!

They're having a great time, as you can see.

-Could be worse - at least it wasn't this snowball.

-Go on, then, Eve.

Ready? Careful. It's going to kill!

# Oh, peace on Earth... #

Now, does anyone else get the impression that 2009 has been a lonely old year for Gordon Brown?

And we come together in a European council, so the 27 leaders

of each of the European states come together, and they have to

make a decision about who is chairman of the council.

# All by myself

# Don't want to be... #

Never stop believing in the good sense of the British people.

Never stop believing we can move forward to a fairer,

more responsible, more prosperous Britain.

The second strategy would be to simply concentrate on al-Qaeda.

'And the Pakistan forces are moving in on al-Qaeda.

'In Waziristan, 30,000 Pakistan troops...'

Never stop believing we can make a Britain equal to its best ideals.

Never, never stop believing.

# And love, so distant and obscure Remains the cure... #

Poor Gordon. His biggest ball-ache this year was the expenses scandal.

MPs have really been taking the piss, claiming money for anything from helipads to duck houses.

The best claim, without doubt, was Jacqui Smith's husband.

He got caught charging the taxpayer so he could watch porn.

I am really sorry for any embarrassment I have caused Jacqui.

I can fully understand why people might be angry and offended by this.

Quite obviously, a claim should never have been made for these films.

It's so unfair. She made him go to the bottom of their drive - "Tell the nation what you've been doing."

"I've been wanking and using your money, and I will never do it again."

"Say everything." "OK. It's not the first time I have done this.

"Sometimes I just have to touch it."

The papers were apoplectic with rage. The Telegraph was disgusted.

The Mail was outraged. And the Sun? The Sun went with this belter.

They even suggested a list of films he may have watched, one of which was Anal Boutique.

Now, I've seen that film. It's rubbish.

It's just a lady with a really tidy shop.

"Ohhh!"

In general, MPs in this country are hated.

What makes it worse - over the pond, some of them are adored.

It's been a huge year for Obama. Sorry...

Mr Long-Legged Mac Daddy.

He became America's first ever black president.

He's trying to fix the world economy,

bring peace to the Middle East, and on top of it, he's really cool.

I bet when he goes for a piss, the toilet goes, "Thank you!"

Obama's unique. He can even kill an fly in the middle of an interview and still look good.

Nice.

Thank you. Now, where were we?

Smooth! We'd love Obama to be our Prime Minister.

Mind you, not everyone's a fan. Now, this is interesting.

We've shown you this guy throughout the series, and he's been a bit of fun,

so it's probably time I told you a bit more about him.

His name is Pastor Manning, and he is as mad as a badger's ankle.

I hate Barack Hussein Obama, who is nothing but a long-legged devil right out of the pit of hell.

And if you don't mind my saying it, Jesus hates him, too.

He's insane. Remember when Obama won?

Him and Michelle did a lovely, cute fist bump.

This was his response.

My wife,

Elizabeth - here, y'all see her - this momma

you see here, my wife,

ever greeted me with a fist bump, I'd give her a left hook.

"And with God as my witness, if she ever winked at me,

"I'd kick her in the titties."

So why does he hate Obama?

His name is Barack Hussein Obama.

He's got a Muslim name!

And he leans towards Islam.

And how do you feel about that, Captain Crazy?

I will not live under Islam! I will not!

I will not! I will not live under Obama.

I will not! I will not.

I will not live under him. No way! I will not.

I will not.

I bet he will! Pastor Manning is what's known as a birther.

He, along with 50% of American Republicans,

believe that Obama shouldn't be the President because he wasn't born in the US.

Show us the doggone birth certificate, Mac Daddy!

Show it! And we'll be satisfied.

I think we can probably sort that out.

There it is.

Available on the internet, fuck-knuckle.

Probably Obama's boldest move of the year was his healthcare reforms.

He aims to give 46 million poor Americans cheap health insurance.

And guess who doesn't like it.

Do you want to see our children barefoot,

cold,

Third World, all because you fell in love with a pimp?

"You're afraid of living with a pimp!"

The Americans were attacking the NHS, which drove us wild.

Don't attack the NHS. It's magnificent.

It's a bit like Wayne Rooney. It looks like shit, but it gets the job done.

It's been emotional. So for the last time this year,

let's say goodbye and good luck to Barack Hussein Obama. Sorry...

Mr Long-Legged Mac Daddy.

# Driving home for Christmas... #

One of the best things about Christmas - presents.

But I really wish kids would get a bit more excited.

OH, MY GOD!

YES! YES! OH, YES!

IT'S A WII! OH, MY GOD!

HE CHEERS AND SCREAMS

How gutted is he going to be when he opens the box and it's a dead puppy?

Sometimes it takes a little while to figure out what they've got, but when the penny drops, they go crazy.

I heard the beep.

It's the Wii!

Want to cheer?

HE SCREAMS

RUSSELL SCREAMS

But I love giving presents. Every year I get my brother a comedy porn film.

You have to, right? You're probably thinking, "Russ, surely he knows it's from you."

One step ahead of you. Every year, I put a different name on it.

"What have you got there, Dan?

"The diary of Anne Wank?

"Oh, Nan, how could you?"

Last year, my mum got me 15 spoons.

"Thanks, Mum. I was considering taking up heroin."

We've all received terrible Christmas presents, but that's nothing compared to this.

A man in America has sent a Christmas card to every one of his ex-girlfriend's family.

Uncles, aunts, step-uncles,

my sister, her husband...

But what exactly did he put in the Christmas cards?

And then you open it up and bam, Mr Simmons took photographs

of his ex-girlfriend performing oral sex upon him

and sent pictures of that

in Christmas cards to family members of her.

You feel sorry for her granddad.

Imagine receiving one of those blow job cards.

"A letter.

"I wonder who it's from.

"I hope it's from my granddaughter.

"I very rarely see her these days.

"Y'know, she's the light of my life.

"I remember once, I was on a swing.

"She was five. Happiest day of my life.

"Y'know, probably sound silly to you,

"but she'll always be a little girl to me.

"Anyway, listen to me ramblin' on.

"I got a letter to open."

HE SCREAMS

Tell you what, though, if that happened in my family, we'd really take the piss.

It would be relentless. "Surprised you've left your sprouts.

"You're not usually such a fussy eater." "Stop it!"

"Do you want some turkey, love? Gobble bobble." "Behave!"

"I'd offer you a carrot, but you'd probably deep-throat it, you filthy bitch."

# The people down below are sleeping as we fly... #

Hey, I tell you what, you know the festive season is upon us when TV is riddled with toy adverts.

Some of the adverts make it look like a boarding-school game of soggy biscuit.

-What do you got? The new water ooze-blastin' oozinator!

-Oh, yuk!

-Bleugh!

-Gross!

It's like Hogwarts on a Wednesday.

They're ridiculous. This next clip has got more innuendo than Julian Clary holding a cucumber.

Amazing pets! How wet will you get from a Loving Licks kiss?

I should wear a bathing suit!

-How wet will you get from a Loving Licks kiss?

-I need a towel!

He's so happy that you'll get so wet, you'll need a raincoat.

If a man came up to you and said, "This dog will get you so wet, you'll need a raincoat,"

you'd punch him in the face.

Apparently, this is the number one toy that all kids want for Christmas.

Katie has a new pet. Robbie has one, too. One is cute and sweet.

The other is fuzzy and finicky.

They both love to explore, run and play.

They're hamsters with a mission. Now get out of the way!

-It's hamster time!

-They're crazy!

Who wants a robot hamster?

I can only think of one guy.

Bizarrely, they've sold out.

I couldn't believe it - I got hold of some.

And just my luck, the day they arrived, this turned up in the papers.

Look at that. According to the Mail, they can give you cancer.

Don't worry, though, kids, I've made sure they can't hurt you.

DIE!

They're going down.

Anything to say, fuck-face?

Did I get his nose?

Happiest five minutes of my life.

Hey, kids, just looking out for your future.

I tell you what, it's been a bad week for rodent toys.

Did anyone see this?

A toy mouse that

is supposed to sing Jingle Bells

has been recalled

because apparently, it sings, "Paedophile". Have a listen.

(SOUNDS LIKE) # Paedophile, paedophile, paedo all the way

# Oh, what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh

# Paedophile, paedophile, paedo all the way

# Oh, what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh. #

Does anyone else find it slightly ironic you've got to touch it to make it sing paedo?

We'd all love this. How brilliant would it make Christmas?

You could put it next to your sleeping brother.

# Paedophile, paedophile. #

You could take it to midnight mass.

# Paedophile, paedophile. #

There will be dads all over stealing it from their children.

"Daddy needs this for down the pub." "Oi, Terry! You know what you are?" # Paedophile, paedophile. #

The rat never lies, Terry!

The rat never lies.

# We are waiting for For the Saviour's day. #

Bit of Cliff.

Jesus is everywhere this year, and I mean everywhere.

Jesus is on my iron.

You see his head, his hair, his ears.

His eyes, his nose.

Does she honestly believe that Jesus was in heaven going, "See you later, Dad.

"I'm off down to earth to dry some pants with my face."

"What about spreading the message of peace, son?"

"Fuck that. I hate wrinkly stuff."

There are two things I've never understood. One,

how did Captain Kirk get through the entire Star Trek episodes

without once flicking Spock's ears?

And two, why does Christ always appear in dull places?

Like an Ikea door in Glasgow.

Look at that.

It's Jesus with his melty face and many chins.

Here he is on a Marmite lid.

How naive is that? He's cutting out 50% of his market.

A few people - "Oh, yeah.

"Very clever, Russell, you love it or hate it."

And a few people who didn't get it going, "Oh, yeah. Aha!"

He's everywhere. Here he is on a cheesy Wotsit.

What I want to know,

has anyone ever seen Jesus on their food and just been too hungry?

What if he appeared on a Gu pudding?

Well, that is the Almighty, but I bloody love these.

You're eating Jesus! Holy shit! Yes, it will be.

If I was Jesus, I wouldn't appear in an iron.

I'd be in the soap of this lady.

"I'm not being funny, Ashley, but I don't like that new soap."

"I'm Cheryl Cole, man.

"I don't need that in me face."

"I was in the shower the other day, washing me jubblies,

"and I heard it giggle."

Yeah, that's a pretty good impression of Cheryl Cole.

Such a lovely moment when you were going, "Is that...

"I think that's meant to be Cheryl Cole."

"Nobody say anything, just look at the floor."

# I wish it could be Christmas every day... #

For me, the best thing about Christmas is the two F's.

Food and family.

-Nothing beats watching...

-CHEEKY LAUGH FROM AUDIENCE MEMBER

Lovely laugh. "I liked that, that was a nice one, that."

Nothing beats watching Uncle Buck whilst your nan wakes herself up by farting. Is there a better thing?

"I'm very musical today!"

Which is a lovely way of saying you stink of shit.

Last year, my cousin brought her boyfriend round and he said,

"You know, I don't believe in the commercialisation of Christmas."

And my Mum went, "What you mean is, you're tight.

"No gravy for you-oo!"

Oh, man, the food at Christmas!

Adverts like this that make you want to shag the telly.

Hand-prepared turkey with grape and apple and sage stuffing,

wrapped in maple cured bacon.

Lincolnshire red cabbage with cranberries...

That is food porn, isn't it?

Sat in front of the telly, moaning with a boner.

HE MOANS

I'm hungry, not horny!

Turn the telly off, Mum! Turn the telly off!

I tell you what's the best thing about Christmas dinner.

Pigs in blankets. Look at them. Oh!

Feel the noise!

People sat at home going, "Ooh, that'll do!"

You could turn a vegan with those. They're incredible!

Some genius went, "I'll tell you what this sausage needs,

"a waistcoat made of bacon."

And it's not just the meat. It's pretty much a vegetable gangbang.

Carrots kissing parsnips, potatoes rubbing against swedes.

And then it happens. You see the sprouts.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

They ruin it every year! They return like a plateful of thrush!

And your mum always makes you eat one. "I'm 29." "Eat one!

"Eat one sprout or I swear to God, I'll knock you the fuck out!"

And the drink! How pissed do you get?

If you burped near a child, you'd kill it.

And you always end up necking things you'd only touch when you're desperate. Port? Hello!

Vermouth? Don't mind if I do!

Cointreau, you orangey little bastard.

Come to Daddy!

And, let's be honest, sometimes we all have a bit too much.

Now, this time of year means office parties, an opportunity to get drunk and piss about.

Someone always gets hammered and wanders over to the photocopier.

"How was the party, love?"

"I've got glass in my arse."

I'll tell you what, if you're going to drink, don't get naked.

People might take advantage.

I love the way there'll be someone sat at home going, "That's me!"

I'll tell you what, don't let anyone record you if you're drunk.

Amy, are you drunk?"

-I am drunk...

-INDISTINCT SPEECH

Amy, did you snog some random?

Did you wrap your legs round him, Amy?

I wrapped my legs around someone.

I don't know who the fuck he is, though.

SHE SCREAMS

Jesus. Imagine her coming towards you with some mistletoe!

I hate mistletoe, it's pretty much the Rohypnol of the foliage world.

Some poor bloke's going to wake up next to Amy.

"Did we have sex last night?"

SHE SCREAMS

And then she'll get her arse out.

"Wahey!" It's Christmas time, which means this guy is back.

Hi, my name's Andy Park, better known as Mr Christmas,

the man that celebrates Christmas every day.

Creepy!

The first question that springs to mind is, "When did she leave you?"

Have you seen what he has for breakfast?

If ever there was a meal that screamed mental breakdown, that is it.

Apparently he's eaten 5,000 turkeys and 100,000 sprouts.

Who counts their food?

One sprout, two sprout, three sprout.

I'm Mr Christmas!

You're Mr Denial.

He's after a Christmas number one.

Have a look at his video, see what you think.

# Every day, every week, every month, every year

# Every time, everywhere... #

I still want that Christmas number one.

So, it's another year, let's see how it goes.

Never going to happen, weirdo.

There's more chance of seeing Osama Bin Laden on Alan Carr's Chatty Man.

He'll get a Christmas number one the day Stephen Hawkings appears on Robot Wars.

# It was only a winter's tale... #

This is where my wonderful production team

have searched through the week's news to try and surprise me with a topical guest.

So, let's see who they've found. Please welcome my mystery guest.

# What's that coming over the hill

# Is it a monster? Is it a monster? #

-Take a seat, Russell.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-All right?

-Not bad.

What are you doing? No, no, where is this ending?

Wow, look at this.

Do you know, I think it's safe to say I'm probably not going to take the piss out of you.

Do you like the ledge?

-Nice to meet you, man. What's your name?

-I'm Neil.

All right, Neil? How tall are you, Neil?

-I'm 7"7'.

-7"7'?! Wow.

I'm so scared of you, Neil, I can't tell you.

And you know that. Well, Neil, why have you been in the news?

-It's a production.

-It's a production?

-Yeah.

-OK. Is it some form of panto?

-It is.

-OK. Are you playing...

-A dwarf?

-It would be great if you were playing a dwarf. Fantastic.

All I'm thinking about is your poor mum.

Jesus.

Sorry!

-So, you're playing panto? Whereabouts in the country?

-At the Lighthouse Theatre in Poole.

The Lighthouse Theatre in Poole? A big cheer, over there.

-Do you have any idea why he might be in the news?

-Jack And The Beanstalk!

-There you go.

Thanks, helpers. Where were you when I was doing my exams?

-So, are you in Jack And The Beanstalk?

-I am.

-And...

-OK, please don't have a gun.

There's some magic beans.

Oh, really? Fee, fie, fo, fum.

Plant these magic beans and grow your very own beanstalk.

Measure it every day and see how tall it grows.

Excellent. Thanks very much, man.

So, presumably, are you the tallest man in panto ever?

Yes. I think that the role has never been played by...

-A giant.

-An actor.

Are you a giant? You must have had some fun.

Yeah, I guess I'm classed as one.

-I bet you've mucked around on a mini-golf course, haven't you?

-Definitely.

Just little kids, "Oh, my God."

Are you taller than your dad?

-Yeah.

-How tall's your dad? That would be amazing.

-About 5"10'.

-Is he? That's incredible.

Go to your room. Go to your room...

No, I'm moving into yours, Dad. Not with mum, I mean...

While talking about this, I reckon this is the first interview ever on TV

where the person doing the interview will have to, at one stage, go, "Can you help me down?"

Do you reckon you could knock out a horse?

No.

Do you reckon you could knock out a pig? Like, with one punch?

No.

Labrador?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Has anyone got a Labrador?

Wouldn't it be a wonderful way of celebrating Christmas?

Genuinely, lovely to meet you. Sorry if I bombard you

with silly questions, but it's very rare you meet a 7 foot 7 man. Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest.

So, as this is the final episode of Good News this year,

I thought I'd end with some of the best bits of 2009. Enjoy!

Congratulations, Mr President.

-Now here comes Jenson Button, the 2009 World Champion.

-I'm World Champion, baby.

The first particle beam to circle the Large Hadron Collider,

also known as the Big Bang Machine.

David Haye is the WBA heavyweight champion of the world.

Slumdog Millionaire.

True American hero.

There you go. Have a wonderful Christmas and a fantastic new year.

Thanks for watching, good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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