Christmas Special Scot Squad

-Coming up...

-Hello?

Pulling a cracker...

Come here, doll, how are you?!

..popping a popper...

Yay!

..and nicking St Nick.

Are you asking people to believe that that horse is a reindeer?

Good King Justice is served deep and crisp and even.

Believe me, the city centre's just Sodom and Gomorrah.

This is Seasonal Scot Squad.

Crimbo is a boom time for crims.

Reassuring the public is the job of Scot Squad Chief Commissioner,

Cameron Miekelson...

You know, your sly criminal

disguises himself as Father Christmas

and draws us into his web.

..pulling his personal message of peace

from a sack full of good cheer.

Yes, I've to sign quite a number of Christmas cards, as you can imagine.

We've actually had a few complaints about this year's Christmas card,

in that it's not fitting in with the spirit of Christmas,

it's not jolly enough, it's not festive enough.

But I don't know. You be the judge.

What's wrong with that?

I mean, if that doesn't say Christmas to you,

then I don't know what does.

Dear Nicola... Oh, Jane, I'm going to do personally Sturgeon,

Davidson and Dugdale.

If you could do everybody else.

Oh, no, hang on. I'll do the captain of the Muirfield Golf Club, yeah?

Boy's had a hard year.

Festive office parties can lead to booze-fuelled carnage...

Hello, officer!

Hello!

..all over the streets of Scotland.

I caught it!

No stranger to mistletoe or mayhem,

volunteer officer Ken Beattie.

People can drink excessively at Christmas, and I experienced that.

I seen a young woman lying on the ground,

and I offered to help her cos I wasn't sure

if she was homeless or just drunk.

Turns out she was drunk.

Incredibly drunk.

It's OK.

Excuse me.

Hello?

And I've actually came across her before.

-Ken Beattie?

-Yes, that's correct.

It's me. Jamie Lee.

Her name is Miss Jamie Lee McGurk.

She lives in a area that I patrol.

Come here, doll! How are you?!

-Jamie Lee!

-I haven't seen you for ages!

-Oh, my God.

-How are you, doll?

I'm good, thank you, how are you?

I've had a great Christmas.

I can see that.

I was out for lunch, I'm humming of chicken tikka masala.

I can smell that and a lot of alcohol.

I know, I just had a Prosecco, it's less calories.

OK. Let's try and get you up, get you in a taxi and get you home.

You're looking brilliant.

That's very nice of you, thank you.

Have you lost the belly?

A wee bit, I've...

-You're looking great.

-Oh, thank you.

-You too.

-I've lost a bit and all.

Yes. Got a nice glow to you.

I'm like china in your hand.

SHE LAUGHS

OK. Right.

Oh, I've had a great day.

Let's get you up, get you in a taxi.

-Taxi!

-Taxi, aye.

-Taxi!

-OK, right.

-Taxi!

-Sh, sh, come on.

This is a public area, right.

Taxi.

# Careless whispers... #

No, no, no singing.

No, Miss McGurk. Come on now. Please.

Yes.

Ooh, I'm really sorry.

It's OK, it's OK.

Don't... Please, please, don't cry.

Listen, listen. Just listen to me for one minute!

Stop talking at me!

Sorry.

I fancy Rob, right?

The guy that sits next to me.

And he doesn't like me.

Says I'm no his type...

..doesn't like ginger.

-He shouldn't be saying things like that.

-No, he shouldn't be.

-You know what it feels like.

-I'm strawberry blonde, but...

Do you know what they used to sing to me at school?

What's that?

# Ginger hair is unacceptable. #

They shouldn't be singing that.

You're just a gorgeous, wee doll, aren't you?

Well, I'm a man, but OK.

-Are you ready?

-Right, OK, wait a minute.

I'll need to go on all fours, I've got a bad back.

-OK.

-Hold on.

-Right.

Get away from me, back up.

-Sorry.

-I'll buckaroo you!

SHE LAUGHS

Right, come on.

I managed to, eventually, after much exertion, lift her up off her feet.

Right, hold on, hold on to that there.

Miss McGurk. Come on now.

And tried to get her into a taxi.

You and your wee peachy cheeks have come and saved me.

-It's a pleasure, right?

-Look at your wee eyelashes,

you're like a wee horse.

Traffic officers, Singh and McKirdy,

know what's fit for a holiday highway when they see it.

Space hoppers.

Come on. Get aff!

But when they clock off, they kick back and get the tinselly tunes on.

-HE SINGS ALONG:

-# I saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus... #

-Good tune.

-I like that one, aye, I like that one.

That would be cool, wouldn't it,

if your maw had an affair with Santa Claus, wouldn't it?

Maybe not an affair.

All my maw's boyfriends have been shitebags.

-# You have been... #

-Do you know the words?

# Kissing Santa Claus again... #

Apart from the chorus.

I did. I did.

They were winching in front of the settee.

I came doon and caught them.

-Poor woman.

-Do you know what the song's about?

A wee boy finds his maw winching Santa.

No, it's about a wee...

Well, he thinks it's Santa, but it's actually his mum kissing his dad.

-Aw, is it?

-Dressed as Santa.

I just figured that out.

Do you think the maw wanted the father

to put the costume on for her,

for her kicks?

She's maybe a wee bit kinky that way.

-Aye.

-Could be. People are into all kinds of things.

# Oh, I'd love to go away

# When Santa doesn't say

# Mummy's kissing Santa Claus again. #

Back at the volunteer's rescue mission...

Right, come on, you're nearly there, Miss McGurk.

Ken must get Jamie Lee in a black hack before the mob sees red.

We finally got to the taxi queue.

It was very busy, but I used my force of the law

to get to the front of the queue because I had to get her home.

She was doing my head in, to be honest.

I'm an officer of the law and I need to commandeer this taxi queue.

-I'm fed up waiting!

-Well, I understand it's a busy time of year,

but this young lady...

-She's intoxicated!

-She is, she's very intoxicated.

I've had a good day.

I'm not intoxicated.

-Stop pointing your pointer at me!

-Right, no, come on, come on, ladies.

-We can all point!

-Excuse me, taxi.

Get in now! Come on, hurry up!

-I've nae money.

-I'll give you money.

-Come on, get in.

-That bitch...

-BLEEP.

Miss McGurk, get in!

Please get in! Oh, God!

Right, right!

Right, get in!

Right, sit down, put your seatbelt on, Miss McGurk. Sit down!

We got home, and then she invited me in.

I said no, you know, my job is done.

I'd got her home safely,

but she insisted and she can be very forceful.

You are needing a reward, a wee mince pie.

-No. No.

-Nope, come in.

-Miss McGurk, I'm fine honestly.

-Come in.

I really need to be going.

-Ken!

-Right, that's your key.

-You get the key.

-Miss McGurk, please can I go?

# I got the key! I got the secret! #

I'm only joking, come on.

-Your key's in the...

-I'll get it.

Just get in.

Wipe your feet.

So looks like an Advent calendar, doesn't it?

Actually it's a Radgevent calendar, yeah?

Now this is a little initiative of mine.

I brought it in about three years ago.

It's to combine a bit of Christmas cheer

with solid investigative police work,

because behind every window,

you have a photograph of one of Scotland's Most Wanted.

There's Frankie Four Fingers there.

And it's just to help the police keep the faces in their mind.

We, initially, we did one that the faces actually to be chocolates,

but actually to carve the faces

of some of these knuckleheeds was just...

Well, it was prohibitively expensive.

So we just went with the photographs.

There's another one, there he is.

Oh, can't believe he's still known.

Mental McSweeney.

There we are. You know, it's just a bit of Christmas fun.

MUSIC: Joy To The World by Isaac Watts

Christmas might mean joy to the world,

but shonky rip-off merchants

bring misery to the naive and the gullible.

Country cops, McIntosh and McKay ensure that the only thing getting

ripped off this year is the wrapping paper on Christmas morning.

Some people think that Christmas is too commercialised these days,

but at least that means

that there is a professional trading standard to meet.

We'd received a number of complaints

that the Christmassy Wonderland,

ran by Owen Bawtree, was no such thing.

No Christmassy and no wonder.

Oh, Charlie.

What is this? For the love of Father Christmas.

Just a deflated sorry snow thing.

Rudolph the Red Nose Tractor.

-Have you seen that?

-You're kidding? No.

-No!

-His nose is scraped.

Even the fake Santa looks like an alcoholic.

-Is that real?

-There's a goat.

-Mr Bawtree?

-Correct, how are we?

-Are you the proprietor of this...?

Wonderland, I think you'll find this is called.

This is not Wonderland, this is hell.

We've received a number of complaints about your place here.

People are feeling ripped off.

What's... What is this?

This isn't even a safe structure.

This is an early Santa's chimney.

In the old days,

I used to practise coming down this chimney all year.

You've got antlers on a horse.

Are you asking people to believe that that horse is a reindeer?

Look, we've got this beautiful gravel for them.

They can slide along, they can have a great time here.

Mr Claus, Bawtree, please explain the goat.

Yeah, that's a scene straight from Jurassic Park.

That's just been waiting to be eaten.

What's that got to do with Christmas?

Jurassic Park's always on at Christmas.

Things have been hard.

Mrs Claus, she left, the country's on its knees,

Brexit's taken control.

You're trying to claim that you're Santa Claus.

Yeah, this is false advertising entirely.

I don't believe that for a second.

We're going to have to shut this down.

We can't let you carry on like this, we can't.

OK.

This bad Santa's straight on the naughty list.

Claus's kingdom of crud won't be coming to town.

It's been closed down.

Another gift from the Scot Squad.

So we're having an issue with Black Friday.

Black Friday, in police parlance,

was the codename we gave to the Friday before Christmas

where the maximum amount of office parties took place.

Believe me, the city centre's just Sodom and Gomorrah.

You know, it's like a century's worth of Celtic Rangers games

have been played in one day.

Suddenly, Black Friday,

we import from America

that Black Friday's just the name of the sales day.

So we can't have two Black Fridays.

Operationally, that's a minefield.

You know, imagine you're called out to a Black Friday incident,

you're heading down,

you think it's just a bit of a kerfuffle in TK Maxx.

Actually, you should have your riot gear on because it's all kicking off

between Brenda from Accounts and Helen from PR.

So what we need is a new name for OUR Black Friday.

We've got Mental Friday, Scotland's Shame Friday -

a bit preachy -

Crazy Bastard Friday.

It's Crazy Bastard Friday!

Which it is, but maybe it might offend the old people.

Apocalypse Friday, I like, but it's just, it's very hellish.

So I think in the end I'm going to go for Doomsday

because I think it's simple, it's old school, it's true.

Back at McGurk's grotto,

volunteer Beattie strives to keep his mind on the job.

So went inside,

she offered me a drink,

and I turned it down cos I was working and, well,

things took a rather

amorous turn, shall we say.

Right, Ken, I've put four on the plate.

-OK.

-Just in case you're hungry.

I'm fine, Miss McGurk, honestly.

Right. You wanting a pie?

No, no, no. Honestly, I couldn't.

-A wee pie?

-No, no.

Listen, I think you should have a pie.

You've been working hard.

I have been working hard, but, honestly, I really don't want a pie.

I'm just glad that you're OK now.

I'm fine. I'm fine cos of you.

Cos you came and rescued me.

It's OK, Miss.

-CRIES:

-That's how I'm all right.

-Please don't cry.

Honestly...

Take my shoes off.

I mean, I've been doing great.

Ken, you'd be dead proud of me.

You know. Oh, they're bowfing, I know, sorry.

I've been on the wagon.

I've no been having parties or drinking that much.

I've been doing well. Smell them.

-No, that's...

-I really need to go now, Miss McGurk, honestly.

No, no, no!

Have a mince pie and settle yourself!

No, no, I really don't want a mince pie.

What DO you want?

I want to go home, if that's OK.

Is that really what you want? You don't even want a wee brokie?

I don't know what that means, Miss McGurk.

A wee bit of mince pie.

Take that.

I'm fine, Miss McGurk, honestly.

I don't want any mince pie.

I need to go.

I need...

I need to... I've got duties that I need to attend to.

I've never seen your eyes looking so blue.

Ken, you make me feel alive inside.

-That's good.

-Ken...

don't say anything, just listen.

Don't talk, just kiss.

-Just kiss.

-Miss McGurk, please.

I know you want this.

I'm worried she had so much alcohol in her system

that she actually got me drunk

by kissing me.

So I vacated the property as a good man would do,

'not because of the kissing,

'because her husband came and threatened to kill me.'

Your husband? Oh, my God.

I'm married.

-Sorry!

-I'm married!

-I had no idea!

You never let me do anything in this hoose!

-Oh, shit!

-Get to

-BLEEP,

-wee man!

-BLEEP.

I'll be speaking to your boss in the morning, you wee dick.

Please don't, please don't!

Christmas or no Christmas,

at the Scottish Police Force Telecommunications HQ,

the service never stops.

You went to a buy a puppy for your boy for Christmas,

but on closer inspection, you think it's actually a lizard?

Maggie LeBeau spills the beans

on how the crack team split the shifts on December 25th.

So people often ask the question -

how do you decide who works on Christmas Day?

The method that we use is actually the Christmas hat method.

We started using that last year.

Everyone in the office makes their own hat,

and whoever's hat is voted the worst

has to work on Christmas Day.

So it's both fair and fun.

I'm sorry, but how is that better than this?

My hat was made of Brussels sprouts.

What's more Christmassy than Brussels sprouts?

What can I say? I'm working on Christmas Day.

Not everyone gets the Christmas gifts they were hoping for,

but when gifts go bad,

desk sergeant Karen Ann Millar has sympathy

for those feeling blue or red-raw.

Bobby, felicitations on this fine festive Friday.

What can I do for you?

Bobby's sore.

You've come out in a wee bit of a rash, haven't you?

-Yeah.

-What's caused that?

Well, I think it might either be too many grapes.

-Right.

-Or there was this guy selling aftershave,

and he was selling them for dead cheap

and I got a good deal for Christmas.

What's...? Let's...

Smell that. It's like vinegar.

I can definitely smell it.

-Yeah, it's...

-It's like a nice vinegar, it's no a bad vinegar.

What type of aftershave is it you've got there?

It's Tommy Hilfinger.

-Hilfinger?

-Yeah.

Yeah, it's Tommy Hilfiger that makes the aftershave.

Yeah. Aye, but this is...

The guy says that's his cousin.

-Right.

-Well, that one might be dodgy

but he had other ones there as well called Hugo's Bus.

The problem is counterfeit goods like this

can be extremely hazardous to human health.

One of the big giveaways is it's called designer "lable".

Right?

And that's not really something you're looking for in an aftershave.

I would probably go home and wash that off right now.

My chin feels like it's got a heartbeat.

Yeah, that's not an encouraging thing.

Something's beating.

I think you should go home and wash it off, OK?

Thanks for your advice, right.

Happy festives, Bobby.

Thanks very much, Officer Karen, and have a Merry Christmas, right?

-Merry Christmas.

-See you later.

Scotland is a diverse country

and the Scottish Police Force reflects that.

We are a diverse institution,

which is why today I'm rolling out and starting this here.

Scottish Police Force celebrates your celebration,

honouring all Scotland's celebrations.

Now, over the next few months,

I'm going to celebrate every single celebration that's in the calendar.

And we're starting this very day with, I believe, yes,

it is Guru Nanak's birthday.

Right... Delicious.

Thank you very much. So you're telling me that

part of... If you go to the temple, you get samosas?

Yes, samosas, you get chapatis, you get curries as well.

And you don't have to be a Sikh?

It's open to everyone and anyone.

It's open to everyone?

-Yes, indeed.

-How are you boys so trim?

There we go. One, two, three, go!

Thank you for giving me the dashiki.

Did you bring any food with you?

I knew about the bagels, of course.

Didn't know about the jelly doughnut.

Let's have a mince pie.

So you boys are back in the SPL, eh?

Druids and Druidry are at the very heart of my policing priorities.

I'll have a wee bit more of your fruits and berries, though,

if that's OK with you.

Tuck in, delicious.

So can I tuck into the rice at any point?

I'll take that as a yes.

Rice puddingy.

So the Scottish Police Force celebrates your celebration.

I think it was a roaring success.

OK, I'm maybe carrying a little excess baggage, put a few pounds on.

Soon shed that, get myself back on the 5:2 diet.

Oh, I didn't realise...

Right, January 7th is Ethiopian Christmas Day.

Didn't realise that.

Jane, could you get me the head of

the Ethiopian Church of Scotland, please?

Do I wish it could be Christmas every day?

No. I don't.

That would be a nightmare. I wish it could be bin day every day

because mine only is uplifted once a week, and that's not nearly enough.

Nights out can be a nightmare.

Luckily, PCs, McLaren and Fletcher are watchful for the worse for wear.

Get a feel, enjoy yourself.

THEY WHOOP

When you're all over the place, they're all over the scene.

At Christmas time, we find that a lot of people, you know,

they have more Christmas nights out,

they maybe drink a little bit more than they usually do

and they make bad decisions.

Oh, hello.

You OK, there?

-You all right, there?

-Hi, I'm fabulous, thanks, how are you?

-Yeah.

-You had a wee couple of drinks the night, have you?

-Aye.

-Are you on your own?

No, I'm just waiting on my pal.

He's just went for a pish up the lane.

-Oh, right.

-Right.

OK. We might just stay with you till he comes back then.

-Yeah, is that all right?

-Aye, you'll know who he is.

-Steady on your feet.

-We'll know who he is?

-Aye. Yeah. Do you like football?

-Yeah, yeah.

Do you know Leigh Griffiths?

-Yeah.

-Aye.

Guess who's up the lane.

This lassie, blootered,

she tells us that she's got this Premiership footballer up the close,

which is exciting for her, it's no so exciting for us, really.

Leigh Griffiths is having a slash up the lane?

Aye. I met him when I was on my work's night out.

Here he comes.

-Who?

-Leigh.

-This is...

-Leigh Griffiths?

Aye. Oh, come and introduce yourself.

-Of course.

-Big fan.

Leigh!

We actually knew who it was.

He's a criminal who we had apprehended before.

Just about to tell them about playing Barcelona next week.

-That's right.

-He's getting me tickets.

Oh, that's good of you.

If that's everything, can we just...?

No, no, no. It would be great to chat.

Tell them about the charity match with One Direction.

-There's a charity match.

-Playing in a charity match.

With One Direction?

Are you taking your pal, aye?

You're a bit out of shape for...

It's the winter. Winter break.

Is it?

-I thought youse were playing Boxing Day?

-Not a New Year's match?

-New Year match?

-Don't remind me.

I'll have to run it all aff that day.

Aye.

And you're a lot shorter off the telly.

Well, the telly adds a foot.

-A foot.

-What is it you play?

-It is centre half, isn't it?

-I play all over the joint.

-All over the joint?

-All over the gaff, mate.

I've been a striker, the two side bits, the middle, the goalie,

good with my hands and that.

-Were you a goalie?

-You've scored the night, eh?

-I have, mate! I have, mate.

-You have?

I tell you what, see with a big match coming up, like you have,

I'll get you a taxi.

Why don't you pay for it, since you're a Premiership footballer?

-Yes.

-Why don't you pay for it and a tip?

Listen, I don't want to stand in the way of you doing well, Leigh.

You wanting chips?

That'll do your taxi.

Wee box of noodles, have chips as well.

-You're a good man, Leigh.

-That's it, that is smashing.

-You have a lovely...

-Good, good man.

-I'll text you.

-You're a smashing bloke, Leigh, honestly.

-Bye!

-Night, Leigh!

-It's a shame to see you go.

-Night, hen.

-In you go.

Driver, guess who I met?

Leigh Griffin! Griffiths!

-Got his autograph.

-Merry Christmas!

Up the road.

And do not slash up there again, OK?

Merry Christmas, Mr Griffiths.

Sometimes you've got the protect the public from themselves.

And horny wee bams.

Knock, knock, knock,

it's the Christmas fairy. How you doing?

I think there is a different feeling

in the custody suite over the Christmas period.

Obviously, you know, nobody wants to be locked up

over the festive season.

Right, do you want to pull a wee cracker, there?

We do our best to try and make it feel as comfortable as we can.

In a lot of ways, these people become our family.

For security reasons, I have to take the whole of it,

but let me see what we've got here.

I can give you your hat though, so that's nice.

Merry Christmas to you.

I hope you're going to be a good girl for the rest of the year, OK?

Just mind you don't burn yourself on that turkey there,

it's a wee bit warm.

We try and make people comfortable.

That's your vegan one.

And we sometimes do see people committing offences deliberately

to get to spend time with their loved ones

who are already in custody,

which is a bit unfortunate cos it bumps our crime figures right up,

sees a lot of people suffering and, at the same time,

means that we have to get more crackers in.

You have a good time.

Every year, there's something at Christmas

that sounds fantastic for the public,

but, actually, is a nightmare for the police.

And this year it's Aberdeen City Council

came up with the idea.

We're going to have a giant Christmas tree maze

right in the city centre.

Now, they come to me and ask for my opinion and advice and I say,

"Do not do it.

"That is a catastrophe waiting to happen."

But oh, no, they bash on anyway, they know better.

"It'll be fun, it'll be Christmassy."

Well, lo and behold,

suddenly we've got our version of the Chilean mining disaster.

You know. There's 33 people

trapped in that Christmas tree maze, you know?

Wandering about, "Whaur we gan? Whaur we gan?"

"Oh, no, we're running out of butteries!"

You know. And, listen,

the relatives of those poor people trapped in that maze,

they don't want to hear me saying, "I told you so."

They want to hear me saying, "Don't you worry,

"I will get your loved ones out of that maze," and I will.

But I can't help feeling slightly vindicated.

Hodgemany, a time for reflection and affection.

Where's mine? Come on, you cannae leave me oot.

The year draws to a close,

but the roads stay open as PC Singh and McKirdy work through the bells.

I think with any groups of friends or family that you may have,

or any place you work,

you will have your own traditions,

and we certainly do have our own,

and we try to make it as fun as we possibly can.

Excuse me, sir, just switch off your engine.

Got some questions about that car

I'd like to ask you if you just follow

me back into the police car, would that be OK?

When the clock strikes midnight,

we try and get the first criminal of the year.

Want to just charge me...?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just calm doon, calm doon.

What we want to do is make you our first arrest of the New Year.

No just OOR first arrest, but the whole of the police's first arrest.

-Aye.

-So consider this as a sort of pre-arrest.

-Right.

-You're not arrested yet,

-but you will be arrested.

-You're still going to arrest me?

We're still going to arrest you.

It's mainly down to pride and, you know,

you can say that you were the first of that year.

While we're waiting here...

Sweet? Go on, then.

Bragging rights.

You get to just tell other officers,

"We've done it, we won."

You know what I mean? Good luck next year, try again.

Get it up youse, kind of thing.

But we do try and stay humble at the same time.

You just rub it in, but, cos you fight for it.

You've got to fight for these things.

-'We've never won it.

-It's an honour.

-This is good for us.'

-Really happy.

-Aye, really happy.

We can't wipe the smile from our faces.

I'm proud of him. I'm proud of him.

HE LAUGHS

Proud of ourselves because it's not only that,

it shows you what a good team we are.

-BOTH:

-Five, four, three, two, one!

CHEERING

-BOTH:

-Happy New Year!

All the best to yae! Whey!

And you're arrested!