2014 Seann Walsh's Late Night Comedy Spectacular

The programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

Hello, I'm Seann Walsh,

coming to you from the heart of the Edinburgh Festival.

Thousands flock here every year to watch

and take part in countless shows on offer.

But no-one enjoys the festival more than the Edinburgh locals

who get to piss off to Barbados for a month

and rent out their flat for only ?4 million.

To be fair to the locals that do stay,

they extend a warm welcome with their traditional greeting of,

"Can't you just piss off back to London?

"Look at all the bloody traffic.

"I can't stand all this arty farty shite!"

Sorry about the accent.

This festival offers every type of comedy,

from hard-hitting political satire...

"Isn't George Bush an idiot?"

..to surreal...

"Er, George Bush is like a melon."

..to deconstructive.

"Oh, it's weird, isn't it, that I, er...I keep on saying melon?

"Melon, melon?"

Tonight, you'll be seeing the freshest new talent

this festival has to offer.

These acts are hotly tipped to be the stars of tomorrow.

Welcome to Seann Walsh's - that's me -

Late Night Comedy Spectacular!

CHEERING

Thank you! Look how close you are.

That was incredible, you didn't even move.

You've got a shoe coming towards your head,

you thought, "Fuck it, I'm going to take this."

This is weird, isn't it? Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, do you like The Caves? Whoo!

You like The Caves. Yes, I like The Caves.

We've got lots of fantastic new acts, we've tried to make it

a lot easier for them, make them feel a lot more comfortable

by dangling lightsabers above their head.

"You better be good!"

I'm actually used to being in caves.

This doesn't feel...

Not in a weird way.

I don't just sit in the corner of a cave. "Come to me, come to me."

No, I'm actually used to being in a cave. I lived in a basement flat.

Have you lived in a basement flat?

I do not recommend living in a basement flat.

Have you ever done it? No - you see, that's why you're smiling.

It is, you don't know what it's like to

open your curtains in the morning and for it to get darker.

Every morning. "Oh, God! Look at that - and it's raining.

"It's not even raining -

"it's a crackhead pissing on my window!"

I lived on my own - don't live on your own.

I thought it would be great. Oh, the freedom, living on my own.

No, no, no, you have to do things.

I had to buy all my own toilet roll.

It's dreadful, I get embarrassed. I don't like it.

You go out to buy the toilet roll, there's giant packs

with, like, 58 rolls inside.

They're so big, they're the only thing in the shop

that's got its own handle. That's how big they are.

It feels like you're holding a briefcase.

Walking down the street going,

"Excuse me, got an appointment with a toilet at 9:30.

"Excuse me, thank you. Cheers, thank you very much."

And you have to buy the big case.

We all want to buy the case, don't we?

No-one wants to buy the two, just the two rolls.

No, that's emergency only, innit?

Yeah.

You put that on the counter, you're effectively telling

the shopkeeper, "I'm halfway through a shit.

"We've run out of kitchen roll.

"Thank you, cheers."

I get embarrassed with stuff like that.

I get embarrassed doing number twos in a public toilet.

I don't like people hearing the plop.

You know? People try and cover it up, don't they?

People have different ways.

Some people put down the tissue, people like to roll up

the tissue, put it down the bowl, make sure no-one hears.

Some people run the taps so if you can run the tap, run the tap.

The best is when you're in a cubicle,

you're in there, and then a sign from God, a gift from God -

someone starts drying their hands.

Oh! Oh, thank God! You're just sitting there...

"Rrrrrr!

"Quickly, get out of me! Quickly!!

It's harder now you've got Dyson Airblade,

you've only got ten seconds.

"Hurry up! Come on, hurry up, I'm on a timer!"

I've a friend that runs the tap to cover up that she's having a wee.

Surely that just makes it sound

like you're taking a bigger wee, doesn't it?

That's like trying to cover up that you're taking a dump

by dropping a brick into the bath.

Someone knocks on the door. "Is anyone in there?"

"No, don't come in.

"It's fine, just washing my hands."

I mentioned I lived on my own. I don't know

if you know much about me, but I'm a very disorganised person.

I thought I'd get myself together. I moved in on my own.

I moved across the road from a 24-hour off-licence.

It's not good having a shop across the road from you

opened 24 hours. Sounds good, it's not.

This shopkeeper, one shopkeeper,

knows every single different version of me.

He knows me better than I know myself.

Because it's, like, Afternoon Seann, Afternoon Seann is fine.

Afternoon Seann just walks in sort of, "Hiya, you all right? Hi.

"Just, er, one pint of milk. Don't want to waste.

"That's fine. Thanks a lot. Cheers. See you tomorrow

"or probably later. I'll finish this quickly.

"Oh! I'm such a twat."

Cut to two in the morning.

"Legend! Bloody legend, man! You stay open for me. Love you!

"You're good to me. I'm going to get some drinks.

"I've got some people round, we're going to have a drink.

"I am so sorry. Do you want a drink? I'll get you a drink.

"Have a drink, have a drink, come on, have a drink?

"And we'll get some Doritos and have you got any dip?

"Ketchup, that'll do, don't worry about it. Ketchup in the bag.

"I love you. Come round, come round, come on, I'm always in your place,

"you come round my place.

"Come back to mine. Bye." Cut to the morning.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

"Awright?

"Just going to get some things."

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

"I'm going to get some cheese...

"..and some corned beef.

"And...and I need something healthy.

"I'll get an onion.

"Just...just that, please, mate. Thank you.

"Actually, wait there as well.

"Can I get some...? Erm, yeah, just, just that, please. Thank you.

"See you later. Bye, cheers."

What a great crowd!

I'm going to introduce my first act, a wonderful act.

She's been smashing it up in Edinburgh.

Every time I walk past her poster, it's covered in stars.

Please welcome, all the way from Australia, Celia Pacquola!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! Wow! It is amazing to be here.

Good evening, it's lovely to be here tonight. I love night-time.

Night-time's my favourite of all of the times

because night-time is the most appropriate time

to drink alcohol, isn't it?

Because you can drink in the day but people are like, "Hmm".

A friend of mine, their excuse for drinking in the day is always,

"Well, it's night-time somewhere."

I'm like, "So, it's 10am here."

They go, "Yeah, but it's night-time somewhere, it's totally sweet."

I'm like, "What?!" That makes no logical sense as an argument.

That's like if someone was stabbing someone.

"Oi! What are you doing?" "Well, some people are surgeons."

I mean, I don't judge because I know what judgment is like

because I went to a psychic, guys. Yeah, I know.

You know psychics? Fortune tellers, reverse historians,

whatever you want to call them.

I don't know what the collective term for psychics is. Is it a wank?

I think it's a scam, it's a scam of psychics.

And I don't know why this particular thing gets so much judgment on it.

Like, I'm not religious, but if you are, I don't judge you.

Like, you might like to listen to a man talk about a man in the sky.

I would rather listen to a woman in a purple dress talk about me

for half an hour. I don't know.

Erm, I'm trying to stop doing it,

I'm trying to take more control, be more of an adult.

How's this? My wallet got stolen out of my bag a while ago, right?

Here's what I did, OK.

Reported it at the police station, cancelled all my cards,

Very adult, very responsible.

my stolen wallet was found

I feel so bad for my wallet, in there for a week.

You know the beginning of Shawshank Redemption

when the new prisoners are being brought through

and the original prisoners are, like, heckling shit out of them, like, "Hey, new guy.

"Hey, you in the leather, hey, fancy boy.

"Hey, hey, you in the leather. Hey, hey...you're cute.'

"Hey, fancy boy, what are you? You some kind of cheese?

"What have you got inside you? Is it cheese?

"If it's cheese, you're on the wrong shelf."

"Hey, fancy boy...

"..the light goes off when they shut the door."

And I imagine my wallet, being all middle-class

and scared, like, "Ha-ha-ha! I don't belong here.

"No, no, no. I am not one of you, no, no, no.

"I am very important to her. I will be out of here any day now."

"Oh, yeah? That's what mayonnaise said.

"Been here four years, haven't you, mate?"

"I don't know what I am anymore!"

I like my things.

I actually sleep with my laptop in bed with me.

Does anyone do that?

Yes? Are you also single?

Here's the thing, guys, I don't want to brag -

I've got a double bed, guys.

And I tell you what, it's an investment bed.

It's the bed I'm going to die in. I am done for beds.

I will never buy another bed. It cost over 500 quid.

I am done. It's got a pillow top.

Like, everyone in here has laid down on at least one incredible bed

and you get on it and go, "Oh, shut up! That's amazing."

This is my impression of an incredible bed, OK?

"I've got you, I've got your full support.

"I've got your head, feet, same level of support.

"Try and trick me, jump over there,

"I've still got you, same level of support."

Do you want to know something exciting?

I am the only international comedian doing bed impressions, thank you.

I know, it's very brave.

I've got a new one, I've got a new one,

I've got a new one.

Hotel room bed, hotel room bed.

SHE PRETENDS TO CRY

"No more.

"I'll never be clean."

Huh?

Memory foam, memory foam bed.

"We meet again.'

Has anyone bought the bed they're going to die in?

Well, you don't know, do you?

Hey, play your cards right,

I might've bought the bed you're going to die in.

That is simultaneously the most menacing and romantic pick-up line

in the whole world because it is both,

"I hope we grow old together,"

and, "If you come home with me, I might kill you tonight."

But here's how I don't want to die, right? I've decided.

I'm not good at crossing the street because I'm a really bad judge

of how quickly a car's going to get to me.

I'm always like, "Oh! Crap, could've gone then.

"Oh, no! Shit, that was close. Oh, I'll just..."

I don't want to get hit by a car while I'm doing this.

Like, to die within a moment of indecision

is an excruciating thought to me.

I don't want the last sound I make on this sound to be...

"Uh!"

I want it to be, "No, David Tennant,

"you're the greatest lover that I'VE ever had."

Seems like a strange place to end it but I'm going to.

Thank you so much for having me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, this next young man has already been described as one

of the funniest people on Twitter.

We have him in the flesh. Give it up for Rhys James!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

I've had a good year so far this year.

I've actually got myself a new girlfriend. AUDIENCE WHOOP

Cheers, yeah. Not gay, who'd have thought?

But I've got this girlfriend.

I don't want to brag or anything, but I am going to,

because she is amazing, honestly, incredible.

Genuinely one of the most beautiful women in the world.

There's one slight hitch, one hiccup with her,

and that is she kind of, like, talks like a 40-year-old man.

It's weird, yeah. Still though,

can't wait to finally meet her in person.

Oh! It's going to be a good one, it's going to be spesh.

Erm, no, it's just a joke, I'm tragically alone. OK, erm...

What I do is actually a combination of jokes

and spoken word poems,

so that was a joke and this is a poem.

It's called What I Want.

I want to not look like a child

And I know I've got that baby-faced boyish type quality

But I'm actually 48 I just moisturise properly

I want to be able to do magic tricks

But I want no-one to know that I can do magic tricks

Cos I don't want to be one of those magic pricks

I want to be a better person than everyone else

Or at least a better version less obsessed with myself.

I want to be feared and revered like Don Corleone

I want the confidence to call someone a goddamn jabroni

I want to be mis-sold PPI so that someone will text me

I want to look a waiter in the eye

And say "You know what? It's not OK that it's Pepsi"

I want you to think I'm a genius

As long as you can spell it correctly

I want to have sex with a woman

But none of them will let me

I want to become the voice of modern feminism

And, no, that's not a joke

I just think people might take it seriously

if they hear it from a bloke

I want to get mad bitches

Instead of getting bitches mad

Because they think I'm misogynistic with my diction so bad

I want to know what love is and I want you to show me

And I want you to hold me

You goddamn jabroni! Yes!

I want to be muscular

And I want to be tougher

I want to be like my laptop and make myself buffer

I want to look at the stars from the streets, not the gutter

I want people to believe that margarine is not butter

I want the Spice Girls to finish what they started

Cos I really, really, really want to know what a zig-a-zig-a is

I want to be more adventurous and less pretentious

I'd want to pay my dues if they were less expensive

I want to know what I truly want but I don't think I ever will do

Life is just trial and error until it kills you

I want more people to appreciate my philosophy

Because that life is just trial and error shit? Quality

I honestly want to be an Adonis of comedy

Like one of these nominees

There's nobody stopping me

I'm like a comic called Connolly

I've got promise and I promise if you never unfollow me

You'll be top of the honours list when I'm king of my colony

All right, that's probably a little too ambitious

I want to bring it down a peg and be more realistic

What I really want is to say that's the end of this bit

That was What I Want - I want to thank you all for listening.

Cheers. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, there's loads of great comedians with amazing jokes

but none of them fucking rhyme, do they?

Pick your battles, guys.

So, no, I'm an adult now, obviously. I don't know if you've noticed that.

Don't laugh, I'm growing a moustache, it's kicking off.

I'm a grown-up now, I'm a grown man, fully grown man.

Honestly, my doctor said there's nothing else, this is it.

No-one's more gutted than me.

But I'm a grown-up - like, I finished university,

I moved out of my university house,

I now live in a different house with this older couple

called Mum and Dad.

Weird parenting methods in general - my dad, I remember once,

he caught me smoking one of his cigarettes.

So he did that age-old thing, to teach me a lesson -

made me smoke the entire pack.

Which is bad, but nowhere near as bad as the time he caught

my brother taking one of his sleeping pills.

Oh, we miss you, Timmy, we miss you. Still sleeping.

No, don't worry, I don't have a brother. Any more, as I say.

Big fan of language, love language,

use it most days now, it's become a thing.

Erm, a big fan of facts. Wanted to share with you guys

a language fact. I've written it down here so I don't forget it.

It's a pretty cool fact, so hold on to those socks,

they're about to be blown the fuck off!

He has actually held them, to be fair.

Thank you very much, appreciate it. Here's the fact, guys.

Did you know, Edinburgh, did you know

that HIV is actually Roman for high-five?

Numerals-based comedy.

Thank you very much. A big fan of online dating.

Anyone here tried online dating?

Right, well, I recognise some of you so that is bullshit!

I have definitely swiped left on a few of these faces.

And right, to be fair. A couple of you are at risk.

But, to be fair, statistically, some of you have tried online dating

but we're embarrassed to admit it, even though we shouldn't be.

It's a modern way of doing things. Some of you have tried it -

looking round, you'd have fucking had to.

We definitely have. We're ashamed of online dating and we shouldn't be.

It's a modern way of doing things that we should celebrate, not be ashamed of.

Obviously, I haven't done it myself, I'm not a desperate loser,

but it's a good thing.

Even happy couples who met online are still embarrassed

and they justify their embarrassment the same way every time.

They're always like, "Oh, yeah, we met online, us two.

"Met three years ago, it's really good, been together ever since,

"really happy together, it's perfect.

"But not a great story to tell the grandkids though, is it?

"Met online, not a great story for the old grandkids."

And I think, "Listen, your grandkids

"are not going to give a shit about your life."

Grandkids today don't look up from Candy Crush on their iPhones

to ask their grandparents about a World War.

Do you think that grandkids of the future will take off their virtual reality headsets

where they're killing zombies with laser vision

and fucking aliens with their electric dicks

to turn to you and go, "Grandad, tell me about eHarmony."

It's not the future, it's not what it looks like.

I don't understand the world at all. Everything annoys me nowadays in the world.

Like hypocrisy, latest thing to annoy me -

double standards everywhere you look.

Apparently, it's cute when the girl opposite me on the train

is sucking her thumb.

Now, that's cute.

But when I do it, I'm "weird",

and should "get off her thumb".

Bullshit, man! I don't understand this shit,

I don't get it. I do not get it.

You've been lovely. Thank you. I'm Rhys James, good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, this next guy won the award for best newcomer last year

here at the festival.

I can safely say he's going to blow your mind. It's John Kearns!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here's...here's where my life is at, right?

If I was waiting for a train...

..and, er...I saw a dog driving it...

..I'd get on, you know?

Why? Two reasons -

he got there, fair enough,

and if there's any delays,

I want to hear that announcement, you know what I mean?

I was waiting for a train, fishing in my pockets for receipts.

I'm, er, I'm self-employed now, you know, er...

You're all looking at me, like,

"When's he going to take all that shit off?"

I don't know!

You're watching a man grapple with a joke that's...

..that's gone a bit too far, if I'm honest.

Fishing in my pockets for receipts,

?5 note flew out, went on the tracks.

That's gone, innit?

It's gone, you know.

Next day I went down there,

I saw a mouse wearing it as a jacket, you know.

Massive lapels, he had the Queen on the back...

He's taking the piss out of me.

That's what happens when you leave the house!

People start taking the piss.

You've all worked hard,

you've come out,

I'm at work now, yeah?

You're my boss.

Imagine he was your boss.

That means when I go out -

I like to stay in, you know.

That's why I'd like to go to prison, I think it'd be good.

Weights, chess...

..you never lose your keys - sounds good.

Get a bunk bed - who doesn't love a bunk bed?

I weren't allowed a bunk bed when I was a kid, erm...

My childhood can basically be summed up by

when Wallace and Gromit were on TV,

my mum would go,

"John, your friends are on!"

That's about it, you know.

I liked Paddington Bear, as well.

I trusted him, you know?

Imagine he walked in now.

I'd like that a lot, yeah.

He taught me a valuable life lesson -

if you meet someone who keeps a sandwich under their hat,

make them your best mate, you know.

That's what Pharrell's got under there.

You're finding it funny.

You can't stand the sight of me.

I can't win!

When I was a kid I worked hard, you know? I wore dungarees.

I like kids in dungarees, they make me laugh, you know?

They look like frustrated mechanics.

All their tools are plastic, they've got nothing to fix,

it's driving them mad.

I used to finish pencils when I was a kid.

I don't remember the last time I finished a pencil.

I'd show people at school, "Look at that."

Look at it, mate!

I'm right here, look at it!

Look at it!

Look at it, it's just a nib and a rubber.

Look at that, mate.

Get your jeweller's glass out, have a look at that.

The Borrowers are missing a chimney,

have a look at that, fella!

I'm working so hard, I'm making stationary disappear.

Now I only work that hard

if there's two poppadoms left in a group of six, yeah?

I want my share.

You like a poppadom, fella?

Aye.

Yeah? All right, OK.

Mango chutney! You like that?!

OK.

Lime pickle?

Nah.

You know what you like. I like you.

I know what I like, yeah?

I like going in the jacuzzi when my shorts blow up, I like that.

I like writing on a banana skin with a biro.

Just trust me on that one.

Tweet me later, just trust me, yeah?

Do you like the cinema?

You been to the IMAX?

Yeah. If you've never been to the IMAX,

I'm going to leave you with this, yeah?

When you book, you've got two options.

Er, you can sit in row A,

where the screen's like behind you, yeah?

Or you can see a film at 9am

like you're on crystal meth.

Thanks very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our next act is a brilliant stand up.

He was so good on the show last year,

he's back for more.

It's Dane Baptiste!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, hi. How are you?

Thank you, guys.

I was kind of worried about coming up here

cos I didn't want to be confused

with the other seven black guys performing at the Festival.

It's very awkward when someone hands you a flier

with your own face on it, so...

But I want you to know I don't presume ignorance,

cos I have been guilty of ignorance myself,

because I guess the same way that some people

might look at black guys at the Festival

is the same way that I look at bagpipes.

That all sounds the same to me, I'm sorry.

Cos I'll be honest with you,

I actually thought there was one long song called "Bagpipes".

I thought that's how it worked,

but last year I was walking down a street in Edinburgh

and a guy was like "Awright, thank you.

"Noo, this next song is called..."

I was like "Next song? Are you sure there's a...?

"..second song?"

So I want to tell you about me. I am the son of immigrants,

my parents come from an island called Grenada.

Have you guys heard of it? AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Cool. And my mum is from an island called Carriacou,

have you heard of that? AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yep!

That's a surprise.

Now, for those of you who don't know, Carriacou is a floating village,

there's about 10,000 people on the island,

and we have one gay in the village.

That's not because we're homophobic,

it's just that the island is simply too small to support a parade.

It would just be one guy in body glitter

walking back and forth across the street,

which doesn't really work.

Now, the gay guy in Carriacou, whose name is Ping Ping -

I don't know why he's called Ping Ping,

I just remember 15 years ago

going with my friends and my family through Carriacou

and everybody saw him and they went "Ping Ping!",

and he went "Pong Pong!"

I guess it's his way of saying he bats for the other team,

so that's cool.

Now, my dad's from the mainland, my dad's from Grenada,

also a small island, there's about 100,000 people on the island.

Now, not very many famous people come from Grenada, but I can name a few.

Race car driver Lewis Hamilton - his family are from Grenada.

And the soldier Private Johnson Beharry,

who was awarded the Victoria Cross - his family are from Grenada.

And classical 20th century composer and song writer

Craig David.

LAUGHTER

I don't know if I like that laugh.

Craig David's one of the seminal artists of the 20th century

and a pioneer of the garage genre.

And I'm tired of having to come on stage and defend my countryman.

Now, I bring up Craig David because we cannot deny

that there's a black influence on the music in this country.

Do you know what that music would be without that black influence?

It would be Eurovision.

No-one cares about the Eurovision Song Contest in this country,

cos if you're European and you do the Eurovision Song Contest,

you want the option of having a musical career,

whereas if you're English and do Eurovision,

your musical career's run out of options.

Now, you get a lot of comedians, when they get famous what they do

is they do Comic Relief, where they go to Africa,

they speak to some kids, they start crying,

and then they go home.

I'm not going to do that, I'm going to change the game.

I'm going to help out some people who really need my assistance,

and I've got a charity called Sonic Relief,

which means I'm going to go to the deepest, darkest regions

of Eastern Europe and bring those poor children

the music that they deserve.

I'm going to be just like Bono, I've got a whole campaign plan.

It's going to be like this -

ladies and gentlemen, click your fingers.

SOMBRE MUSIC STARTS

Every time you click your fingers,

a child in Eastern Europe also clicks their fingers,

but they do it completely out of rhythm.

I need your help to stop these children being exploited

by bands like the Vengaboys

and David Guetta.

Your donations can treat preventable diseases,

like two left feet

and tone deafness.

Please give now. Thank you very much.

MUSIC STOPS

I think that's really going to work guys.

I grew up with a lot of other immigrant kids

and what we always do as kids is talk about the most masculine things

that our nations are known for.

So my friends that were Italian would be like,

"You don't want to fuck with Italians

"cos everyone knows about Ferraris and the mafia," and that was cool.

They'd be like, "You don't want to fuck with Jamaicans

"cos everyone knows about reggae and rude boys and weed,"

and that was cool.

Grenada is known for nutmeg, which...

..is not the most masculine thing that you can be known for,

so for a long time, I've been secretly wishing

that nutmeg would become illegal.

Just so I can live out my gangster fantasies,

like the rest of my friends.

You know, all it's going to take is a smear campaign from the Daily Mail.

"Some people call it Starbucks dust."

"Others are calling it Megan Fox, due to its brown colour.

"But the new craze sweeping the nation are young kids

"trying to bust a nut...meg."

And, who knows? Give me five years

and I can become the kingpin of the nutmeg trade

and start doing real big nutmeg drug deals with East End gangsters.

It'd be perfect, they'll come up to me like,

"Dane, you've got to try this, mate.

"Fresh off the boat, Caribbean cocaine.

"Sweet as a nutmeg."

And I'm like, "All right, I'll try it.

"And if it is what you say it is, maybe we can do business."

"Mmm, mmm.

"Now kill these mother fuckers."

"What do you mean Dane?"

"What do I mean? THERE'S CINNAMON IN THIS SHIT!

"DON'T FUCK WITH ME, OK?!"

"I know cinnamon when I taste it.

"See, I know what happened here - you thought I was Craig David.

"You tried to meet me on a Monday, take me for a drink on Tuesday...

"Fuck me on Wednesday until the weekend?!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've been Dane Baptiste, thank you very much. Cheers, thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, ladies and gentlemen, last year I mentioned

that I look like the girl from Outnumbered.

Yeah, get over it!

This year, I thought I'd read out some Tweets that people have sent in

to tell me what they think I look like. So here we go.

First up, "I think you look like

"the winner of Eurovision".

Up next,

"A badly shaven testicle".

"A dead weasel covered in Pot Noodle."

"A plughole full of pubes"?

What's this?!

"A hobbit's foot"?

"The bloke who lives in the caravan with a shotgun

"in any apocalyptic film."

"Right, it's all a conspiracy! Come with me! Let's go!"

And finally, "a character in Game Of Thrones,

"if Game Of Thrones had a heroin addict".

Our next act has had an incredible year.

She's been performing from New York to Singapore,

and now she's here in The Caves to perform for you.

Please welcome Luisa Omielan!

What up, bitches? Yeah!

So, I'm 31, guys,

and I've learnt at the age of 31 what's important in life

and what makes me happy, and do you know what?

I realise what I want,

what I really need in my life, what I want, guys...

..is a penis. OK?

I need a penis!

I want a penis that every time it sees me, it goes, "Yay, it's Luisa!"

That's what I want.

I've got willies, but they're in the drawer.

I want a penis with a man on the end, that's what I want.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting that, bitches,

and what annoys me is when people are like

"Oh, Luisa, that's really desperate. Oh, my God, why would you say that?"

Do you know who says that?

Bitches in relationships, that's who.

Not single people. No, because we know how hard it is.

And let me clarify, right, it's not just me that needs a penis.

Hell, no. Penises need me. Yeah.

Let me explain, shall I? Because, ladies,

I don't know if you've had this experience -

every guy that I have ever knobbed

has gone on to do really fucking well at life.

I had sex with this guy - unemployed for eight months, he had no job.

We had sex, he now works at IBM.

Why? My vagina!

I had sex with a guy who had commitment issues.

He was like, "I love you, but no. I'm going to marry you. Fuck it, no."

We had sex, he's now engaged, bitches. Yeah.

Engaged. Somebody else, not me. But why? My vagina!

I fucked a dude with no legs. No legs!

We had sex, he now plays for Chelsea.

Because my vagina heals people!

I've got some new rules, because I'm ready to meet somebody,

and I've got three things.

I want to meet somebody new, and it's really simple.

One thing I'd like from a guy -

stop making me put a finger up your bottom.

Look at my nails. Don't want to do it, OK?

Another thing, when we are making love and I'm on top of you,

"Stop it! Stop it!

"Stop it! Stop it!

"I don't want it deeper. I don't care if it makes you come harder.

SHE SIGHS

is for him to be really romantic.

Wash your willy!

Wash your willy.

Maybe it's just me that gets them all the time, I don't know.

They come back to your house and pull their trousers down

and walk around butt naked. Why? "I'm a boy!

"I've got no body issues. Look, I'm just a boy with my willy out.

"Oh! I have a big belly and no cellulite.

"Why? Because God is fair.

"Hm, what could I possibly put my willy in?

"Oh! Is that a bowl of dust? I'll put my willy in there.

"Hey, what's that in the fridge? Is that a bowl of cheese?

"I know. Luisa's face!"

No!

Wash your willy!

I'm not coming in from Zumba and sitting on your face, am I?

I saw my ex at a train station about six months ago,

cos when you see your ex for the first time, you want to be cool.

Let me just re-enact it for you.

This is me seeing my ex at a train station.

I think you'll be really proud of me. OK.

MUSIC: Adagio For Strings by Samuel Barber

I defy you, stars!

I'm over it, guys, is what I'm saying.

I'm Luisa Omielan, you've been lovely - thank you, big love.

This next guy has been supporting all the big names

throughout the UK.

You're going to love him. Give it up for Omar Hamdi!

I'm not from here. I'm a little bit international.

I'm originally from Wales.

Good, a few of you are laughing.

Most of you are just going, "Where are you really from?"

One guy at the back just shouts,

"Oh, my God! Global warming's hit the valleys.

"What does this mean?"

No, I'm not 100% Welsh. Relax. My parents are from Egypt.

They moved from Egypt

to the Welsh valleys in the Seventies.

They wanted to get away from the poor education system and the poverty.

It was a wasted trip, really, wasn't it?

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm a bit of an outsider. What chance did I have at fitting in?

I'm an Egyptian from Wales.

I'm a good Muslim boy, I'm not meant to be playing the field.

It's meant to be, "Omar, you're 13. Pick a cousin. Done."

That's as close as I get to being a player.

This is me the morning after. This is me.

"Oh, Omar, that was amazing! Do you want to get us breakfast?"

"Forget breakfast, I've got us

"matching gravestones.

"Why are you crying? It's romantic!"

I can't fit in. I'm a feminist.

I was brought up by a single mum.

Right? My choice was be a feminist or...

..be an orphan.

I don't know how mums do what they do, especially single mums.

I'm not man-bashing, by the way.

There are great single dads like there are great single mums.

I think single dads get a tougher time from society.

Single mums get an easier time.

"I'm a single mum." "Aw, come here"

"I'm a single dad."

"Did you kill the mum?"

And look, why do dads walk out?

If men and women carried the baby for four and a half months each,

we'd think twice, then, wouldn't we, mate?

Yeah, we'd be like, "Oh! I can't handle it. I have to leave.

"Actually, you destroyed my penis on the way out, mate.

"I wanted a Caesarean. Why?"

I'm sure there were times my mum was, "I can't handle it. I have to go.

"Actually, look at you -

"you destroyed my vaj, you made my tits sag,

"you took my best years.

"I'm staying put, Omar. I want a return on my investment.

"Where is my return?"

Because there is no return on investment.

I used to work in advertising before I did this.

I couldn't sell motherhood. How would you advertise motherhood?

No-one would buy it.

"Motherhood! That insomnia you've got,

"it's not insomnia any more, it's motherhood!

"That lack of social life,

"it's not lack of social life any more, it's motherhood!

"Best of all, 23 years' time,

"your son's going to be on the stage in Edinburgh in a cave

"talking about your saggy vagina!

"Motherhood! Also available, fatherhood.

"Invest nothing, get half the credit, leave when you want."

Thank you, Edinburgh. Good night!

Brilliant!

Now, our next act is a Canadian stand-up

who can be seen gigging all around North America.

He's now storming gigs in the UK. It's John Hastings!

Oh, yes!

Thank you so much.

It feels so nice to be performing here in my new home,

the United Kingdom.

I've been here for two years and I love it here now.

When I arrived, not so much.

This was not the island I was told it would be.

In my head, the United Kingdom would be an island

full of grannies waiting to give me tea and advice.

But that's not what this island is, is it? No!

This island is like living inside your dad's head while he's driving -

just needlessly angry and accidentally racist all the time.

And it's either just too relaxed or too aggressive.

Too relaxed, too relaxed at the borders.

I'm a North American.

In North America, we do borders properly.

You walk into a room, it's black, there's a man there,

he's got a bulletproof vest, a gun,

abs on his eyeballs, biceps on his chin.

The UK, what are your borders like?

It's just a fat man looking for someone to talk to.

Sat there, packet of crisps on the go. You walk up.

"What are you doing, smuggling drugs? Hope not.

"Or hope so. We'll find out."

And arriving, Canadian passports are black,

and so when I handed it to the border guard,

July 23rd 2012,

he looked at the black passport

and went, "Ooh! Scary."

It was nerve-racking, the first time I'd ever been an immigrant.

And I'm thinking, "Well you're going to have to say to a border guard

"your job is 'comedian'.

"That doesn't sound like a job,

"that sounds like you're a drug smuggler who forgot an excuse."

So what I decided to do, I wrote a joke. I wrote a joke.

Special occasion. Walked up, my joke was,

"Hey! I know I don't look like a comedian, I look like a ghost."

He looked me up and down and he went, "No, mate,

"you don't look like a ghost,

"you look like Hitler's wet dream."

The words you choose - far too aggressive.

"Snogging" is your word for kissing.

That doesn't sound like something you would do to someone you love,

it sounds like something you and four friends did to someone you hate.

"Hey, what happened to Tom?"

"I'll tell you what happened to Tom. He stole 1,500 quid from me.

"Me and the lads went to his flat. We snogged the shit out of him."

And "pulling", that's a very negative word.

No-one's ever been pulled into a room and given cake and compliments.

You're pulled into a van

and then you're never heard from again.

First arrived, I try and seek solace in pubs.

Very intimidating as a Canadian, because we party different.

In Canada, if you're going to get drunk,

that's one type of party.

Or you're going to do drugs. That's a different type of party.

Or you're going to celebrate a nine-year-old girl's birthday.

That's a different type of party.

You professionals put that all together,

which is why in the subsequent two years,

I've been offered ketamine at two separate Bar Mitzvahs.

Walking into pubs, what do I find there?

I find all of you "fancying" one another.

That's your word for it. It's the least fancy thing I've ever seen.

"Undo your corset, madam, time for the passion".

playing a game called "drink all the Jager in the world".

And then the women turn coquettishly and giggle.

Where does it come from? It comes from one phrase.

Your friend turns to you, hits you on the arm

And then you say, "You're right, mate," and you do.

When I first heard that, I thought that was misogyny personified.

But it's not, it's patriotism.

The most defining moment in the history of the United Kingdom

What happened on that day?

Henry VIII stood in his court. Before him, his courtiers,

to his right, Catherine of Aragon,

to his left, his most prized advisor, Thomas Cromwell.

Thomas sees her

and then Thomas does his duty as an advisor.

which leads to the Spanish Armada, which leads to British military build-up,

leaving my ancestors in the snow with the French next to America!

So, when you ask Canadians, "Why are you guys always saying 'sorry'?",

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Great stuff!

Hello!

something about what town they come from

and then they criticise it for being working-class

if you have my accent, right?

because I'm from a village just outside Edinburgh,

same one as Susan Boyle.

Have we heard of her?

Poor old Subo.

When she first got famous, I remember everyone in the London-centric media

was like, "Look at her face, look at her disgusting face!

"How can she sing like an angel with such a hairy, hideous face?!"

I was sitting reading this at home

going, "My entire family and friends look like that."

Fuck it, I look like it when I've not had a shave.

It's just...

But it's good being in Edinburgh, right,

cos I've been living in Englandshire for the last four years,

and I've found out the thing the English find hilarious

is doing my accent back at me every day of my life.

They love it.

But I've found a way around it now, where any time

one of my English pals does this to me,

I start repeating their most shameful secrets back at them.

In my accent.

So, my mate Hayley loves doing my accent.

She's left me full voicemails pretending to be me.

We were at a party one night,

when she thought it would be nice to say, in front of all our friends,

"Fern, this is my impression of you."

IN GRUFF SCOTTISH ACCENT: 'Hello! I'm Fern Brady.'

and I went, "Hayley, this is my impression of you."

'Please don't tell anyone about that time I had sex with my cousin.'

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Only in Scotland would that get a round of applause.

I'm a very antisocial person when I'm not doing comedy, right?

That won't have come across with my cheery, everyman onstage persona.

And what I like doing, when I'm not gigging is,

I get really drunk on my own, I go on the internet

and I have zero recollection of what I've done the next day.

It's brilliant, right.

There was some point last year, I had well too much to drink,

I wake up in the morning,

the laptop is still switched on by the bed.

That's always a bad sign.

And I had an e-mail from the Guardian Soulmates dating website.

If you're not familiar with it, it's Tinder for posh people.

I shouldn't be on it.

This is what the e-mail from them said.

"Dear Cumguzzler..."

There's the first indication I've had too much to drink.

"Dear Cumguzzler, your username has violated

"the Guardian Soulmates explicit content policy.

"We've changed it on your behalf to FB123."

That's a rubbish username.

That's not going to get the cock rolling in, not like Cumguzzler!

And by the way, I had to do a gig in Newcastle recently where there was

a sign language interpreter on stage with me the entire time.

And I was just waiting for the moment where she had to sign "Cumguzzler".

And then I decided to needlessly repeat that word all the way

through my set just to watch her try and improvise this.

"Arrrgh!"

Incidentally, this is going to be the first time

my father sees me do stand-up, so...

I should've prefaced that whole bit

by saying I have a boyfriend who I live with,

so I don't know why I made any of it.

It's good, it's good going out with someone,

but I miss pumping random guys, right.

So...

I found a way to recreate that,

and I got the Tube to work with my boyfriend the other day,

and as he went to kiss me goodbye, I went, "This was a one-time thing",

then run away. Heh-heh!

Onto the next Tube. It was good.

I went into comedy because I hate other people, right?

Not you guys. We're all pals. But I hated,

I didn't like working with people in offices.

Now, have you ever been working in an office

where one of your colleagues has gone away and done a baby?

And you're still doing your job,

and they bring the baby into the office in a sort of parade,

showing it off, going, "Look at my baby."

"Look at my fucking baby.

"Look at it, sat there like a thumb or a potato."

And you're supposed to congratulate them on having the child,

even though it's done nothing of any significance whatsoever.

See what's happening here? People are being congratulated

on their irresponsible shagging.

And no-one ever congratulates me on my irresponsible shagging,

just because it don't produce a baby.

And I'll put it for you this way,

I've never walked into the office one day

with a halo of semen around my mouth

and went, "Look at this, guys!"

"I pumped the work experience boy last night."

I've got one last thing to tell you, right?

I was on a telly thing for the first time earlier this year,

and that was good, because I wasn't on the dole anymore,

but afterwards, my pals were like, "Don't go on Twitter

"when it's being broadcast, do not go on Twitter."

I went on Twitter, right?

People's insults about me were more creative than I could've imagined.

This is the worst one they said.

Someone put up a picture of my face

and said, "This girl has the widest apart eyes

"I've ever seen on a human."

I thought they were going to say I had fat arms or something.

There is no operation, no diet where I can move one of my eyes...

..closer to the other eye.

And I was crying about it, I was crying loads, thinking,

"I've lived my entire life thus far not realising

"I look like a hammerhead shark."

And as I went to...

SHE GIGGLES

I went to dab the tears away from my face,

and I realised I couldn't find a tissue wide enough...

..to dab at my eyes.

Yous have been gorgeous! I've been Fern Brady.

Enjoy the rest of your night. Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, I have worked with this woman many times

and she always makes me laugh.

You're going to love her, she's a real princess,

give it up for Rebecca Humphries!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, I'm Rebecca Humphries, I'm 27-years-old

and I fucking love Disney.

So, tonight, I thought what I'd do is, I'd share with you

my Disney Princess song.

Picture the scene...

AMERICAN ACCENT: I've just indulged in a mild act of rebellion,

and my father doesn't understand me at all!

So I've run away some place where I can be alone with my accompaniment...

UP-TEMPO PIANO MUSIC BEGINS

..and sing my thoughts aloud for the very first time.

# In verse one I explain all my circumstances

# I'm a size six with fabulous hair

# I've got books, I've got looks

# I've got animal friends

# But the subtext is I just don't care

# And at one point I'll speak for a dramatic effect

# Then start singing again and then sigh... #

SHE SIGHS

# This is where I confess in a slower tempo

# That I'm deeply unsatisfied

# The bridge starts to play and I look over there

# And suddenly I can see hope

# I'm kind of scared of the hope but I'm also embracing the hope

# And the music under me swells

# Then the chorus kicks in

# And the cliches begin

# Believe in yourself, oh!

# Follow your dreams

# You can be part of that earth

# And I'll sing really loud

# Because I've totally forgotten verse one

# And right at the end

# I'll slip in the title of my Disney Princess song

# Quieter

# My Disney Princess song

# This is the music no-one's heard before

# It represents my new-found strength

# It's vocally hard

# It's generally where I'll indicate wildness

# By letting down my hair

# I'm fucking letting down my hair!

# But then I'll stop

# And in a breathy voice

# I'll suddenly remember what's wrong

# I'm alone in my room

# Or a turret

# Or under the sea

# Or in China

# Or in a pride in Africa

# And I'm also a lion, by the way

# Singing my Disney Princess song

# Emotional?

# My Disney...

# Princess

# Song. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much! This has been Seann Walsh's Late Night Comedy Spectacular.

Thank you Edinburgh, good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE