Father Christmases from across Britain take time out of their busy schedules to share their favourite jokes and get the whole nation going 'ho-ho-ho!'.
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HE MUTTERS: What do you call a...?
-Sorry, I... Are you waiting for me?
I beg your pardon! I can't...
I can't hear bugger all through this, here.
I was on a train from Ilkley the other day, in my Santa suit.
And I was sat down and this really attractive blonde girl
came and sat next to me. She said, "Ooh, I've always wanted to
"sit next to Santa on a train."
I says, "Well, it's your lucky day, love."
Anyway, after a couple of minutes, she opened this women's magazine
and I could see the headline on the centre page.
It said, "The male penis - does size matter?"
I thought, thank God I've got my baggy trousers on.
Anyway, after a couple of minutes she said,
"Did you know that Native American men have got the thickest penises?"
And...and Polish men have got the longest penises.
I said, "I didn't know that."
She says, "It's true - it says it in here."
She says, "I know you're Santa Claus,
"but I didn't catch your real name."
I said, "It's Tonto Kowalski."
My Auntie Ethel, she died at 104.
Died on her 104th birthday.
That were sad.
We were only halfway through giving her the bumps. Mm.
Me Uncle Albert died. He were 101.
He walked into t'room, sat down in t'chair...
..put his head back, closed his eyes...
..his gob fell open.
He were gone.
What a nice way to go, though, eh?
Mind you, the dentist shit hisself.
A penguin is driving round the M25 and he notices, on the dashboard,
the oil light's flashing.
He thinks, "God, I'd better stop, quick."
Pulls over to the services, calls the breakdown.
Guy arrives, gets under the bonnet.
It's a lovely day, so the penguin spots this little ice cream kiosk
on the corner of the car park.
So he waddles over, gets himself a Mr Whippy,
Pretty tricky, with his flipper, but, you know,
has a lovely ice cream, wipes it all over his face,
dribbling down his front.
Anyway, toddles back to see how the breakdown man's getting on.
He pops his head out of the bonnet and says,
"Looks like you've blown a seal."
He's totally mortified and says,
"No! I've just had an ice cream."
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?
Right, well, last week, I was on holiday in Torquay.
And, one evening, before dinner, I thought, "Oh, I've got plenty time.
"I'll nip down and have a pre-dinner drink."
So I went to the bar and erm...
I just ordered the drink and just as I did that,
there was a load of blokes came in through the front door,
into the foyer.
And they were really, really boisterous.
Lots of slapping backs and things like that.
So I went and sat beside them in the foyer.
And they carried on, it was getting more boisterous
as the evening went on.
And they were all talking about the games of chess
that they'd all been playing.
They're getting more boisterous, more boisterous, more boisterous.
Till, eventually, the hotel manager came out and he said,
"Righto, you lot, clear off!"
And, "You're making too much noise, so off you go."
Then when he came past me, I said, "Why did you send them away?"
He says, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
My friend, Hamish, is getting married, you see.
I says, "Hamish, have you got all the arrangements done?"
He says, "Aye. I've got the minister and I've got the church.
"I've got the hall - haggis suppers, for afters.
"Oh, and by the way, Peter, I am wearing the kilt."
I said, "Oh, that's smashing, Hamish.
"And what's the tartan?"
"Oh, I think she's wearing a white dress."
What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Fella walks into a chemist. He says, "Could you...
"Have you got a shampoo, please, that deals with alopecia,
"greasy hair and dandruff?"
"And I also need a cream for severe acne.
"Er, I need industrial strength antiperspirant
"for very bad body odour.
"And, also, have you got anything that can sort piles out,
"gout and athlete's foot?
"Ooh! And a packet of condoms, as well. I feel lucky tonight."
Can you do blue stuff, no?
Hey, up! Now then, you see.
There were this prostitute wandering down t'road
and she ran into Scouser.
So she says to him, "Now then, lad. Do you want a blow job?"
Scouser says to her,
"Will it affect my dole money?"
LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING
The village barber has got a bit of an idiot son.
He's trying to teach him the business,
but it's just not working.
One day he says to him, "We've got to take the plunge.
"The next customer to walk in this shop, you're shaving him."
A customer duly walks in.
Father says to the son, "Get to it."
So he starts off with his razor. He's shaving him, shaving him.
And he nicks him.
And the father says,
"Oh, for crying out loud! How many times have I told you?"
Takes an almighty slap at him.
The kid ducks and he whacks the customer straight across the chops.
The kid moves round the other side.
He's shaving him. Nicks him again.
The father says, "For crying out loud!"
Takes another haymaker of a slap...
..straight across, the kid ducks...
Bang! Right across the customer's chops, again.
The kid, now, is really nervous.
He carries on shaving him, one eye on his dad.
-Cuts one of the customer's ears off.
The customer digs the kid in the ribs and says, "Oi!"
"Put your foot over that, quick, before your dad sees it.
-IN DEEP VOICE:
-Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the cliff?
OK, so...so, moving onto the funny stuff...
The working conditions in the Father Christmas factory are very good
and the workers get a lot of breaks.
And there are three elves sitting together in the cafe,
in the restroom, talking about their children and what they usually do.
This time, they're talking about their teenage daughters.
One says, "Oh, my daughter's room is such a mess.
"I have to try and get in there, but, she doesn't usually let me,
"but this time it was so impossible.
"I went in there and I cleaned up and, do you know what?
"I found a packet of cigarettes.
"Half full. Do you know, I didn't even know she smoked."
And the other one says, "Oh, that's nothing.
"My daughter's room is just as bad. "I went in there...
"..long time clearing it all up.
"And you know what I found at the end of it?
"I found a half-empty bottle of schnapps.
"I didn't even know that she drank."
So the third one, she says, "Oh, that's nothing.
"My daughter, she was impossible.
"I finally had to go and get it sorted out.
"Took me hours and hours.
"And, under the bed, do you know what I found?
"I found a packet of condoms.
"And do you know, I had no idea she had a willy."
So, St Peter's there, on the pearly gates,
and there are three people in the queue to get into heaven.
The first couple are standing there, man and wife,
and St Peter goes, "You! You will never get into heaven.
"You were so greedy with your money that you even married
"a girl named Penny."
"Go away. You're not allowed."
So they go away. They're a black affronted, actually.
And, then, the second couple are in the queue.
And he says, "You! You were so gluttonous.
"You're never getting into heaven!
"You even married a girl named Candy."
So... Off they go.
They're not getting in.
Third couple, before he can even say a thing, the husband says,
"Oh, come on, Fanny. Let's get out of here."
Fella walks into his doctor's.
He said, "Oh, Doctor."
-"I can't stop..
"..farting. Or, breaking wind, shall I say."
-He says, "It's...
Anyway, he says, "One moment..." He gets out of his chair
and gets a six foot pole, with a big, brass hook on the end.
He says, "What are you going to bloody do with that?"
He said, "I'm going to open the windows."
The Beach Boys walk into a bar.
Brian says to Carl...
"Round, round. Get a round.
-"I get a round. Yeah!"
This woman asked her son what he wanted for Christmas.
He says, "I want something to wear and something to play with."
So she brought him a pair of jeans and cut the pockets out.
Too near the mark? OK. Ha, ha.
So the weightlifter girl, she goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, Doctor, I've been on those steroids.
-"And I've got a cock."
"Cock, steroids? Steroids...
"Ooh, no, no, no. Just the cock."
Ape walks into a pub, strolls up to the bar, he goes,
"Er, I'd like a pint of, er, lager, please."
"Certainly. There you are, Mr Ape. Er, that'll be £4.50."
And then he goes, "Oh, OK. Sure. All right. OK."
He goes, "Erm, I'm not being, sort of f... f...
"facetious, if I can say the word,
"but, erm, we don't get many apes in here."
And the ape goes, "Well, I'm not surprised - £4.50 a pint."
Have you heard about the four foot psychic that's escaped from jail?
Police have said there is a small medium at large.
This woman got on a bus with her baby.
She goes up to t'driver, to pay her fare, and he says, "My goodness me!
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
So she goes and sits at the back of t'bus, next to this bloke
and she says, "Do you know, that driver's just insulted me?"
He says, "Well, nevermind, love. You go tell him off.
"I'll look after t'monkey."
My wife's been missing for a week now.
The police said to expect the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop and got back all her clothes.
-IN DEEP VOICE:
-It was a cold winter's night
and the pub was empty.
And the barman looked up as the door opened
and in walked a man looking very dishevelled.
He sat down at the bar and said,
"Barman, I'm ever so sorry, but I have no money.
"If I show you something amazing, would you give me a pint?"
The barman says, "I think so."
So, the man behind the bar looks up and he opens up his coat
and he pulls out a very small piano and puts it on the bar.
He, then, from the other side,
opens up his coat and pulls out a very small man
and puts it on the bar.
And, all of a sudden, the little man runs over to the piano
and starts playing the most amazing music.
After five minutes, the barman says, "This is incredible!"
and hands him his pint.
He says to the man,
"How did you come by this little man and his piano?"
And he says, "Well, I was walking along the lane and, in the gutter,
"I saw a lamp and I picked it up and I rubbed it
"and out popped a genie. And the genie gave me one wish."
And so the barman says, "Do you still have the lamp?"
And he goes, "Why, yes!" and he hands it over.
And the barman rubs it and out pops the genie!
And he asks for one wish.
And, all of a sudden, around the bar,
little yellow ducks appear everywhere.
And the barman says, "Hang on! Hang on!
"I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
And the guy says,
"You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
I bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
Although, what he wants with an ex-box, I'll never know.
Prince Charles visits an institute for the criminally insane.
He goes around, from cell to cell,
and everything goes pretty much as expected.
Until he comes to this one prisoner,
in this particular cell.
And when they call in to say,
"Prince Charles, lunch will be ready soon",
he says, "No. I'm staying here for a while.
"I wish to talk more to this man."
Anyway, he spends half the afternoon with him.
At the end of which, he says, "Listen..."
.."I've got some influence in this country.
"I don't think you should be in here.
"I've never met such a civilised person as you."
"I'm going to use my influence, I'm going to get you out of here,
"I'm going to help you find a job,
"I'm going to help you find somewhere to live."
"OK? And I will be back next week.
The man says, "Thank you very much."
Prince Charles is just leaving.
As he gets to the cell door,
the man picks up a house brick,
throws it, whacks Prince Charles on the back of the head with it.
Prince Charles turns around and the fella says,
"You won't forget, now, will ya?"
There's a popular myth going round
that sex is the best form of exercise you can get.
Well, excuse me, but I don't think 2 minutes, 15 seconds
every three months is going to shift this belly.
Two magistrates and a clerk to the court
were out riding their bicycles in the dark
and they got stopped by the local constabulary,
because they were riding their bikes without lights.
So, they were charged, they were summoned to court, given the day,
and then, they arrived but nobody else was there.
They'd arrived on the wrong day.
They said, "Well, look. We're magistrates and the clerk.
"We can do it ourselves."
So, the first magistrate sat in the chair, the clerk helped him
and the other magistrate got in the dock.
So, he said, "Right, you've been charged with riding a bike
"with no lights on. How do you plead?"
"Guilty, Your Worship."
So, he says, "Right, you're fined £5."
So, then, they swap place.
So the second magistrate said to the first magistrate,
"You've been charged with riding your bike without any lights.
"How do you plead?"
"I plead guilty, Your Worship."
So he says, "Right, you've been fined £5."
So, then, it was the turn of the clerk of the court.
So the clerk got in the dock, the two magistrates sat,
they sat in judgment.
And they said, "How do you plead?"
"Guilty, Your Worships."
"Right, well, you will be fined £500."
"Hang on a minute!" he says,
"£500? You two got away with a fiver each!"
"Yes, but, do you know, that's the third case we've heard this morning
"and it's got to stop."
What does the Queen call her Christmas broadcast?
-The One Show.
The CID decided to employ a new detective.
So, they took all the applicants into an examination room
and all three of them were women.
All three of them were blondes, as well.
So they gave them a test and he got out a photograph
and put it in front of them, turned it over after five seconds
and said, "Identify that man."
And the first lady, Sharon, she said, "Ah, easy.
"He's only got one eye."
He says, "Agh! It's a profile photograph!
"Oh, dear. Next!"
And then came the next one and she said, "Oh, that's easy.
"He's only got one ear."
"It's a profile photograph!
And then came the third one, Sue, and she looked at it,
just for a second, and she said, "He's got contact lenses."
And the guy said, "That's amazing. We didn't even know that ourselves.
"How do you know he's got contact lenses? You've got the job!
"How do you know?"
"It's easy, he can't wear regular glasses -
"he's only got one eye and one ear."
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poke her face.
-What's the difference...
-..between snowmen and snowwomen?
There's this lady walking down the street.
It's cold, it's bleak.
It's raining and she loses her handbag.
And she's devastated.
So she's having a good look round the street, there,
and she's looking at where she was sat, on the bench.
And she can't find it anywhere. And she's asking people.
And, all of a sudden, this little boy walks up.
He said, "Have you lost your handbag, Missus?
So she said, "Yes, I have, son."
He said, "Would this be the one?"
So she said, "Yeah, that's the one."
She said, "Oh, can I just have a look inside?"
So she looks inside it and when she opened the purse, she said,
"Mm." She said, "When I lost the purse," she said,
"there was a £20 note in the purse, itself".
And she said, "Now, there's four fivers."
She says, "I don't understand that."
So the little boy said, "Well, it's simple, really.
"The last time I found a lady's bag,
"she didn't have any change for a reward."
So Pat's doing a little bit of extra work and he goes,
knocks on the door and he says, "Have you got any spare jobs?"
He says, he says,
"Yes, go round the back and wash the Rolls at the back." So off he goes,
round the back, and he's cleaning the Rolls
and he's giving it a good wash. He hoovers the inside.
And, as he's hoovering it,
he finds these little things, like that.
Little tees they were, actually.
And he was very confused. Very, very confused.
So, he goes back and he says,
"Sir, your Rolls Royce is all nice and clear, Sir.
"But, tell me, what's this?"
"He says, "Oh, Pat! That, Pat, is a tee."
He says, "And what...? What are those for?"
He says, "Well, those are for putting your balls on,
"before you drive off." Well, he says, "But, Jaysus!
"This Rolls-Royce think of everything."
My son came home from school the other day.
I said, "How did you get on?"
So he said, "Great", he said. "I'm in a play."
I said, "That's lovely. What part have you got?"
He said, "I got the part of the husband."
I said, "Maybe next time, you'll get a speaking part."
Gary comes home from the pub and he's absolutely smashed.
He staggers upstairs and slides into bed with his wife.
In the middle of the night, out of nowhere, an image appears to Gary.
It's an angel.
And he says, "Gary, you've died from alcohol poisoning."
"What?! No! No way! I've got too much to live for.
"You've got to send me back."
"Well, it's a bit unorthodox", said the angel,
"but, er, we could send you back as a chicken."
"Well, I've never heard that one before, but, er, give it a whack."
Gary the hen is now on a chicken farm
and he's got a really bad feeling in his stomach.
And this other hen comes up to him and goes,
"Oh, I've been there before. Just let the feeling come out."
-He does and he lays an egg.
Gary, overcome with motherhood, so happy, he does it again.
He lays a second egg. "Ooh."
"I like that feeling. I'll have another one."
So he lays egg, after egg, after egg.
Then his wife goes, "Gary! Wake up! You're shitting the bed!"
There are three stages of old age.
One of them is loss of memory.
I can't remember the other two.
So, I was on the motorway, the M1. My car broke down.
It started to snow, started to sleet. I was getting desperate.
I flagged down a passing motorist. I said, "You've got to help me!
"You've got to help me! I've broken down!"
He said, "I'm sorry", he said,
"I'm not a mechanic, I'm a chiropodist."
"Well", I said, "if you're a chiropodist...
"Give us a toe."
-HE LAUGHS DEEPLY ALL:
This drunk staggers out of this pub.
Pissed out of his head.
Walking down this dark country lane,
he sees this woman lurking in t'shadows.
She shouts over, "Jimmy! Do you want to do some business?"
Well, Jimmy thinks...
I've never been with a prostitute before,
but I'll give it a go.
So off they go, round t'back of this bush,
they've been there about five minutes
and they get disturbed by the village bobby.
He says, "Jimmy, what you doing round t'back of that bush?"
Jimmy says, "Ooh!" He says, "Ooh! Oooh..."
..he says, "I'm making love to me missus!
The bobby says, "Well, that's all right, then, Jimmy.
"I'm sorry to disturb you. I didn't realise it were your missus."
Jimmy says, "Neither did I, till he shone the torch in her face."
I owned an Indian cafe on the end of the road.
It was called Karma.
You don't order any food, we just give you what you deserve.
So, I was on my sleigh on Christmas Eve
and all the reindeer were in front of me.
And we often have conversations, and Rudolph said to me,
"Santa, how do you know exactly where you are in the world?"
And I said, "Well, it's very easy.
"I just stick my hand out of my sleigh
"and I know exactly where I am from the temperature."
He went, "Oh, really? Where are we now?"
I went, "Ooh, it's very warm. We must be in India."
He goes, "Yeah. That's right."
So we try again in half an hour.
And they go, "Santa, where are we?"
So, I stick my hand out and I go, "Oh, we must be in the South Pole
"cos it's very, very cold. In fact, it's freezing."
So, an hour's passed and Rudolph goes, "Santa, where are we now?"
And I stick my hand out and I go, "Glasgow."
And he says, "Glasgow?" And I say, "Yeah.
"Someone's nicked my watch."
Three lads, exploring the jungle, and they get taken by a tribe.
Put in front of the chief and the chief goes,
"Right, I'll let you go free if you can sing me a song about a dog."
So the first lad steps forward and he goes, "Er..."
# How much is that doggy in the window? #
He goes, "Right, OK, you're off."
"Oh, OK." So the second lad steps forward and he goes, "Erm..."
# When I was a lad, old Shep was a pup. #
He goes, "OK, you're off."
So the third one's sat there thinking for while
and he goes, "Ah!"
# Strangers in the night exchanging glances. #
Chief goes, "Where's the dog in this?" He goes, "Hold on a sec."
# Scooby dooby doo... #
Only really works if you know the song, as well, dunnit?
Right, I think that's me done.
Gordon Brown dies and goes up to heaven.
He's met at the pearly gates by St Peter.
Ushers him into this huge hallway.
There's thousands and thousands of clocks.
Gordon Brown says, "What are they for?"
St Peter says, "Well, every human being is allocated a clock,
"which is set to noon.
"And every time they tell a lie, the clock advances by a minute."
"See that one there? That one's Mother Teresa's, still set at noon.
"That one there, that belongs to Abraham Lincoln.
"Two minutes past 12 - he lied twice, as a child."
Gordon Brown goes, "Where's Tony Blair's clock?"
St Peter says,
"Jesus is using that as a ceiling fan!"
Bit of politics!
Crab walks into a bar. The barman said, "Oi!
"I've had enough of your mates coming in here, giving it all that!"
I was talking to an astronaut the other day.
He said he'd been to the Moon.
He told me about this restaurant on the Moon.
"Great food", he said,
"but no atmosphere."
-IN DEEP VOICE:
-What is the world's best Christmas present?
A broken drum.
You just can't beat it.
It's an old one, but it's a goodie.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's and says,
"Doctor, Doctor! People keep ignoring me!"
Three men, unfortunately, were in a car accident.
They go up to heaven.
At the gates, St Peter welcomes them and says, "Ah!
"Before you come in...
"I will let you in,
"if you give me something that's related to Christmas."
"OK." The first man goes in his pocket,
gives a piece of mistletoe to St Peter.
"Lovely, you're in. Bar's over there."
"Brilliant." Second man, he's checking.
He finds a Christmas cracker. Gives it to St Peter. He says,
"Great job. Bar's over there. You're in."
Well, the third one's panicking, goes in, pulls out...
a pair of ladies underwear.
Gives them to St Peter.
And he went, "What's that got to do with Christmas?"
He went, "They're Carol's."
I had a real shock the 24th, last year.
Finished all the work, sitting back in the grotto in Lapland,
ready for a bit of relaxation.
Mrs Claus sitting on my knee. I thought I'd do the right thing -
"What would you like for Christmas, darling?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said, "I want a divorce."
I looked back and said,
"I'm not thinking of spending that much, sweetheart."
My friend, he went to the doctor.
And he had this, like a little cock growing out of his head.
And he went to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Ooh, I've never seen that before. Now, that is quite...
"I've heard about it, but never seen it."
"Oh", he says, "Oh, dear. Can you cu...?"
"Ooh, no. We can't cut it off", he says.
"If we do that, it will affect your brain and you'll die."
He says, "Oh, my God. Well, what's going to happen?"
He says, "Well, it'll grow just like your own."
He says, "Oh, bloody hell", he says.
"I've got a huge cock."
"Am I going to have to look at that all day?"
He says, "Oh, no. Don't worry.
"The bollocks'll hide it."
Policeman's doing spot checks on cars.
Flags down a car...
bloke winds down the window.
Policeman says, "You've got a dozen penguins in the back of your car!"
He goes, "Yeah."
"Well, what the hell are you playing at?
"Take them to the zoo, immediately."
The bloke says, "OK." He drives off.
Anyway, the next day, the policeman's on the same duty. Same place.
Flags down the same car. Bloke winds down the window...
"You've still got that dozen penguins in there!"
He said, "I told you to take them to the zoo, immediately."
And he said, "I did. They enjoyed it so much,
"I thought I'd take them to the cinema this afternoon."
Man walks into a bar. There's a newt on his shoulder.
Goes up to the barman and says, "I'd like a pint of beer, please,
"and an orange juice for my pet, Tiny."
"Why do you call him Tiny?"
He's my newt, isn't he?
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
Well, that was quite funny, but...
When I was at this Christmas party, my mate, Bob,
he's got six kids and is he proud of it.
We're in the party and he shouts over to his wife,
"Can you get me a drink, mother of six?"
Then, a few minutes later,
"Can you get me a pork pie and some sausage rolls, mother of six?"
Towards the end of the evening,
I could see she was getting really wound up.
Anyway, just before he went, he shouts,
"What time are we leaving, mother of six?"
She says, "Any time you want, father of four."
Merry Christmas, everybody.
-Can I go now?
-Will that do ya?