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Ho-ho-ho! | 0:00:12 | 0:00:15 | |
HE MUTTERS: What do you call a...? | 0:00:17 | 0:00:18 | |
HE MUTTERS | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
-Sorry. -Sorry, I... Are you waiting for me? | 0:00:26 | 0:00:28 | |
-Yeah, sorry. -THEY LAUGH | 0:00:28 | 0:00:29 | |
I beg your pardon! I can't... | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
I can't hear bugger all through this, here. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:00:33 | 0:00:34 | |
I was on a train from Ilkley the other day, in my Santa suit. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
And I was sat down and this really attractive blonde girl | 0:00:37 | 0:00:41 | |
came and sat next to me. She said, "Ooh, I've always wanted to | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
"sit next to Santa on a train." | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
I says, "Well, it's your lucky day, love." | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
Anyway, after a couple of minutes, she opened this women's magazine | 0:00:48 | 0:00:52 | |
and I could see the headline on the centre page. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
It said, "The male penis - does size matter?" | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
I thought, thank God I've got my baggy trousers on. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
MUFFLED LAUGHTER | 0:01:01 | 0:01:02 | |
Anyway, after a couple of minutes she said, | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
"Did you know that Native American men have got the thickest penises?" | 0:01:04 | 0:01:08 | |
WOMAN LAUGHS | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
And...and Polish men have got the longest penises. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
I said, "I didn't know that." | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
She says, "It's true - it says it in here." | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
She says, "I know you're Santa Claus, | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
"but I didn't catch your real name." | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
I said, "It's Tonto Kowalski." | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
My Auntie Ethel, she died at 104. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
Died on her 104th birthday. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
That were sad. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
We were only halfway through giving her the bumps. Mm. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
Me Uncle Albert died. He were 101. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
He walked into t'room, sat down in t'chair... | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
..put his head back, closed his eyes... | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
..his gob fell open. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
He were gone. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:51 | |
What a nice way to go, though, eh? | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
Mind you, the dentist shit hisself. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:01:58 | 0:01:59 | |
HE CHEERS | 0:01:59 | 0:02:00 | |
A penguin is driving round the M25 and he notices, on the dashboard, | 0:02:00 | 0:02:05 | |
the oil light's flashing. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:06 | |
He thinks, "God, I'd better stop, quick." | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
Pulls over to the services, calls the breakdown. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
Guy arrives, gets under the bonnet. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
It's a lovely day, so the penguin spots this little ice cream kiosk | 0:02:13 | 0:02:17 | |
on the corner of the car park. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
So he waddles over, gets himself a Mr Whippy, | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
Pretty tricky, with his flipper, but, you know, | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
has a lovely ice cream, wipes it all over his face, | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
dribbling down his front. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
Anyway, toddles back to see how the breakdown man's getting on. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:33 | |
He pops his head out of the bonnet and says, | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
"Looks like you've blown a seal." | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
He's totally mortified and says, | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
"No! I've just had an ice cream." | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? | 0:02:44 | 0:02:48 | |
Sister Matic. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
-ALL: -Oh! | 0:02:50 | 0:02:51 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
Right, well, last week, I was on holiday in Torquay. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
And, one evening, before dinner, I thought, "Oh, I've got plenty time. | 0:02:56 | 0:03:00 | |
"I'll nip down and have a pre-dinner drink." | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
So I went to the bar and erm... | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
I just ordered the drink and just as I did that, | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
there was a load of blokes came in through the front door, | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
into the foyer. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:12 | |
And they were really, really boisterous. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
Lots of slapping backs and things like that. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
So I went and sat beside them in the foyer. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
And they carried on, it was getting more boisterous | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
as the evening went on. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
And they were all talking about the games of chess | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
that they'd all been playing. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
They're getting more boisterous, more boisterous, more boisterous. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
Till, eventually, the hotel manager came out and he said, | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
"Righto, you lot, clear off!" | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
And, "You're making too much noise, so off you go." | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
Then when he came past me, I said, "Why did you send them away?" | 0:03:38 | 0:03:42 | |
He says, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." | 0:03:42 | 0:03:47 | |
-ALL: -Oh! | 0:03:47 | 0:03:48 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
My friend, Hamish, is getting married, you see. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
I says, "Hamish, have you got all the arrangements done?" | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
He says, "Aye. I've got the minister and I've got the church. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
"I've got the hall - haggis suppers, for afters. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
"Oh, and by the way, Peter, I am wearing the kilt." | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
I said, "Oh, that's smashing, Hamish. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
"And what's the tartan?" | 0:04:07 | 0:04:08 | |
"Oh, I think she's wearing a white dress." | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
-Frostbite. -GROANING | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
Fella walks into a chemist. He says, "Could you... | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
"Have you got a shampoo, please, that deals with alopecia, | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
"greasy hair and dandruff?" | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
"And I also need a cream for severe acne. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
"Er, I need industrial strength antiperspirant | 0:04:31 | 0:04:35 | |
"for very bad body odour. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
"And, also, have you got anything that can sort piles out, | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
"gout and athlete's foot? | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
"Ooh! And a packet of condoms, as well. I feel lucky tonight." | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
Can you do blue stuff, no? | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 | |
Hey, up! Now then, you see. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
There were this prostitute wandering down t'road | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
and she ran into Scouser. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:57 | |
So she says to him, "Now then, lad. Do you want a blow job?" | 0:04:57 | 0:05:01 | |
Scouser says to her, | 0:05:01 | 0:05:02 | |
"Will it affect my dole money?" | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
The village barber has got a bit of an idiot son. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
He's trying to teach him the business, | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
but it's just not working. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
One day he says to him, "We've got to take the plunge. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
"The next customer to walk in this shop, you're shaving him." | 0:05:16 | 0:05:20 | |
A customer duly walks in. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
Father says to the son, "Get to it." | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
So he starts off with his razor. He's shaving him, shaving him. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
And he nicks him. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
And the father says, | 0:05:33 | 0:05:34 | |
"Oh, for crying out loud! How many times have I told you?" | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
Takes an almighty slap at him. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
The kid ducks and he whacks the customer straight across the chops. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
The kid moves round the other side. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
He's shaving him. Nicks him again. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
The father says, "For crying out loud!" | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
Takes another haymaker of a slap... | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
..straight across, the kid ducks... | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
Bang! Right across the customer's chops, again. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
The kid, now, is really nervous. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:03 | |
He carries on shaving him, one eye on his dad. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
-MIMICS CHOPPING -Cuts one of the customer's ears off. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
The customer digs the kid in the ribs and says, "Oi!" | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
"Put your foot over that, quick, before your dad sees it. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:13 | 0:06:15 | |
-IN DEEP VOICE: -Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the cliff? | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
Tequila! | 0:06:21 | 0:06:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:22 | 0:06:24 | |
OK, so...so, moving onto the funny stuff... | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
The working conditions in the Father Christmas factory are very good | 0:06:28 | 0:06:32 | |
and the workers get a lot of breaks. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:33 | |
And there are three elves sitting together in the cafe, | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
in the restroom, talking about their children and what they usually do. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
This time, they're talking about their teenage daughters. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
One says, "Oh, my daughter's room is such a mess. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
"I have to try and get in there, but, she doesn't usually let me, | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
"but this time it was so impossible. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:50 | |
"I went in there and I cleaned up and, do you know what? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
"I found a packet of cigarettes. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
"Half full. Do you know, I didn't even know she smoked." | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
And the other one says, "Oh, that's nothing. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:02 | |
"My daughter's room is just as bad. "I went in there... | 0:07:02 | 0:07:06 | |
"..long time clearing it all up. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
"And you know what I found at the end of it? | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
"I found a half-empty bottle of schnapps. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
"I didn't even know that she drank." | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
So the third one, she says, "Oh, that's nothing. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
"My daughter, she was impossible. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
"I finally had to go and get it sorted out. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:23 | |
"Took me hours and hours. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
"And, under the bed, do you know what I found? | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
"I found a packet of condoms. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
"And do you know, I had no idea she had a willy." | 0:07:29 | 0:07:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
So, St Peter's there, on the pearly gates, | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
and there are three people in the queue to get into heaven. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
The first couple are standing there, man and wife, | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
and St Peter goes, "You! You will never get into heaven. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:55 | |
"You were so greedy with your money that you even married | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
"a girl named Penny." | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
"Go away. You're not allowed." | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
So they go away. They're a black affronted, actually. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
And, then, the second couple are in the queue. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
And he says, "You! You were so gluttonous. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
"You're never getting into heaven! | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
"You even married a girl named Candy." | 0:08:13 | 0:08:16 | |
So... Off they go. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:17 | |
They're not getting in. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
Third couple, before he can even say a thing, the husband says, | 0:08:19 | 0:08:23 | |
"Oh, come on, Fanny. Let's get out of here." | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
Fella walks into his doctor's. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:29 | |
He said, "Oh, Doctor." | 0:08:29 | 0:08:30 | |
-"I can't stop.. -BLOWS RASPBERRY | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
-"..fart... -BLOWS RASPBERRY | 0:08:32 | 0:08:33 | |
"..farting. Or, breaking wind, shall I say." | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
-He says, "It's... -BLOWS RASPBERRY | 0:08:36 | 0:08:37 | |
"..bloody awful." | 0:08:37 | 0:08:38 | |
Anyway, he says, "One moment..." He gets out of his chair | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
and gets a six foot pole, with a big, brass hook on the end. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
He says, "What are you going to bloody do with that?" | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
He said, "I'm going to open the windows." | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
The Beach Boys walk into a bar. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:51 | |
Brian says to Carl... | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
"Round, round. Get a round. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
-"I get a round. Yeah!" -LAUGHTER | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
This woman asked her son what he wanted for Christmas. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:03 | |
He says, "I want something to wear and something to play with." | 0:09:03 | 0:09:07 | |
So she brought him a pair of jeans and cut the pockets out. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
Too near the mark? OK. Ha, ha. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
So the weightlifter girl, she goes to the doctor and says, | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
"Doctor, Doctor, I've been on those steroids. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
-WHISPERING: -"And I've got a cock." | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
"Oh!" | 0:09:24 | 0:09:25 | |
"Hmm..." | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
"Cock, steroids? Steroids... | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
"Hmm. Anabolic?" | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
"Ooh, no, no, no. Just the cock." | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
Ape walks into a pub, strolls up to the bar, he goes, | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
"Er, I'd like a pint of, er, lager, please." | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
"Certainly. There you are, Mr Ape. Er, that'll be £4.50." | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
And then he goes, "Oh, OK. Sure. All right. OK." | 0:09:52 | 0:09:55 | |
He goes, "Erm, I'm not being, sort of f... f... | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
"facetious, if I can say the word, | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
"but, erm, we don't get many apes in here." | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
And the ape goes, "Well, I'm not surprised - £4.50 a pint." | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
Have you heard about the four foot psychic that's escaped from jail? | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
Police have said there is a small medium at large. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
This woman got on a bus with her baby. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
She goes up to t'driver, to pay her fare, and he says, "My goodness me! | 0:10:18 | 0:10:22 | |
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
MIMICS SOBBING | 0:10:25 | 0:10:26 | |
So she goes and sits at the back of t'bus, next to this bloke | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
and she says, "Do you know, that driver's just insulted me?" | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
He says, "Well, nevermind, love. You go tell him off. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
"I'll look after t'monkey." | 0:10:35 | 0:10:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
My wife's been missing for a week now. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
The police said to expect the worst. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
So I've been to the charity shop and got back all her clothes. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
-IN DEEP VOICE: -It was a cold winter's night | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
and the pub was empty. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
And the barman looked up as the door opened | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
and in walked a man looking very dishevelled. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
He sat down at the bar and said, | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
"Barman, I'm ever so sorry, but I have no money. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:03 | |
"If I show you something amazing, would you give me a pint?" | 0:11:03 | 0:11:07 | |
The barman says, "I think so." | 0:11:07 | 0:11:10 | |
So, the man behind the bar looks up and he opens up his coat | 0:11:10 | 0:11:14 | |
and he pulls out a very small piano and puts it on the bar. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:19 | |
He, then, from the other side, | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
opens up his coat and pulls out a very small man | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
and puts it on the bar. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
And, all of a sudden, the little man runs over to the piano | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
and starts playing the most amazing music. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:32 | |
After five minutes, the barman says, "This is incredible!" | 0:11:32 | 0:11:35 | |
and hands him his pint. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:37 | |
He says to the man, | 0:11:37 | 0:11:38 | |
"How did you come by this little man and his piano?" | 0:11:38 | 0:11:42 | |
And he says, "Well, I was walking along the lane and, in the gutter, | 0:11:42 | 0:11:46 | |
"I saw a lamp and I picked it up and I rubbed it | 0:11:46 | 0:11:48 | |
"and out popped a genie. And the genie gave me one wish." | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
And so the barman says, "Do you still have the lamp?" | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
And he goes, "Why, yes!" and he hands it over. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
And the barman rubs it and out pops the genie! | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
And he asks for one wish. | 0:11:58 | 0:11:59 | |
And, all of a sudden, around the bar, | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
little yellow ducks appear everywhere. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
And the barman says, "Hang on! Hang on! | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
"I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" | 0:12:06 | 0:12:10 | |
And the guy says, | 0:12:10 | 0:12:11 | |
"You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?" | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
I bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
Although, what he wants with an ex-box, I'll never know. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
-LAUGHTER ALL: -Ooh! | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
Prince Charles visits an institute for the criminally insane. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:26 | |
He goes around, from cell to cell, | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
and everything goes pretty much as expected. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
Until he comes to this one prisoner, | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
in this particular cell. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
And when they call in to say, | 0:12:36 | 0:12:37 | |
"Prince Charles, lunch will be ready soon", | 0:12:37 | 0:12:39 | |
he says, "No. I'm staying here for a while. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
"I wish to talk more to this man." | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Anyway, he spends half the afternoon with him. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
At the end of which, he says, "Listen..." | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
.."I've got some influence in this country. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
"I don't think you should be in here. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
"I've never met such a civilised person as you." | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
"I'm going to use my influence, I'm going to get you out of here, | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
"I'm going to help you find a job, | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
"I'm going to help you find somewhere to live." | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
"OK? And I will be back next week. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:09 | |
"OK?" | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
The man says, "Thank you very much." | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
Prince Charles is just leaving. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
As he gets to the cell door, | 0:13:15 | 0:13:17 | |
the man picks up a house brick, | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
throws it, whacks Prince Charles on the back of the head with it. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:23 | |
Prince Charles turns around and the fella says, | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
"You won't forget, now, will ya?" | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:27 | 0:13:28 | |
There's a popular myth going round | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
that sex is the best form of exercise you can get. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:33 | |
Well, excuse me, but I don't think 2 minutes, 15 seconds | 0:13:33 | 0:13:37 | |
every three months is going to shift this belly. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
Two magistrates and a clerk to the court | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
were out riding their bicycles in the dark | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
and they got stopped by the local constabulary, | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
because they were riding their bikes without lights. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
So, they were charged, they were summoned to court, given the day, | 0:13:52 | 0:13:56 | |
and then, they arrived but nobody else was there. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
They'd arrived on the wrong day. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
They said, "Well, look. We're magistrates and the clerk. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
"We can do it ourselves." | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
So, the first magistrate sat in the chair, the clerk helped him | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
and the other magistrate got in the dock. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
So, he said, "Right, you've been charged with riding a bike | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
"with no lights on. How do you plead?" | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
"Guilty, Your Worship." | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
So, he says, "Right, you're fined £5." | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
So, then, they swap place. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
So the second magistrate said to the first magistrate, | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
"You've been charged with riding your bike without any lights. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
"How do you plead?" | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
"I plead guilty, Your Worship." | 0:14:29 | 0:14:30 | |
So he says, "Right, you've been fined £5." | 0:14:30 | 0:14:33 | |
So, then, it was the turn of the clerk of the court. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
So the clerk got in the dock, the two magistrates sat, | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
they sat in judgment. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
And they said, "How do you plead?" | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
"Guilty, Your Worships." | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
"Right, well, you will be fined £500." | 0:14:43 | 0:14:44 | |
"Hang on a minute!" he says, | 0:14:44 | 0:14:46 | |
"£500? You two got away with a fiver each!" | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
"Yes, but, do you know, that's the third case we've heard this morning | 0:14:49 | 0:14:52 | |
"and it's got to stop." | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:54 | 0:14:55 | |
What does the Queen call her Christmas broadcast? | 0:15:02 | 0:15:06 | |
-The One Show. -HE CHUCKLES | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
-Whey! -LAUGHTER | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
The CID decided to employ a new detective. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
So, they took all the applicants into an examination room | 0:15:14 | 0:15:18 | |
and all three of them were women. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:21 | |
All three of them were blondes, as well. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
So they gave them a test and he got out a photograph | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
and put it in front of them, turned it over after five seconds | 0:15:26 | 0:15:30 | |
and said, "Identify that man." | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
And the first lady, Sharon, she said, "Ah, easy. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:37 | |
"He's only got one eye." | 0:15:37 | 0:15:38 | |
He says, "Agh! It's a profile photograph! | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
"Oh, dear. Next!" | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
And then came the next one and she said, "Oh, that's easy. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:48 | |
"He's only got one ear." | 0:15:48 | 0:15:49 | |
"It's a profile photograph! | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
"Oh! Next!" | 0:15:53 | 0:15:54 | |
And then came the third one, Sue, and she looked at it, | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
just for a second, and she said, "He's got contact lenses." | 0:15:57 | 0:16:01 | |
And the guy said, "That's amazing. We didn't even know that ourselves. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:05 | |
"How do you know he's got contact lenses? You've got the job! | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
"How do you know?" | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
"It's easy, he can't wear regular glasses - | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
"he's only got one eye and one ear." | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
OK. Hm. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:18 | |
Nostalgia... | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
How do you make Lady Gaga cry? | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
Poke her face. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:25 | 0:16:26 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:16:26 | 0:16:29 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:16:29 | 0:16:30 | |
-What's the difference... -..between snowmen and snowwomen? | 0:16:30 | 0:16:35 | |
Snow balls! | 0:16:35 | 0:16:36 | |
-ALL: -Whey! | 0:16:36 | 0:16:37 | |
There's this lady walking down the street. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:40 | |
It's cold, it's bleak. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
It's raining and she loses her handbag. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:46 | |
And she's devastated. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
So she's having a good look round the street, there, | 0:16:49 | 0:16:51 | |
and she's looking at where she was sat, on the bench. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
And she can't find it anywhere. And she's asking people. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
And, all of a sudden, this little boy walks up. | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
He said, "Have you lost your handbag, Missus? | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
So she said, "Yes, I have, son." | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
He said, "Would this be the one?" | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
So she said, "Yeah, that's the one." | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
She said, "Oh, can I just have a look inside?" | 0:17:09 | 0:17:11 | |
So she looks inside it and when she opened the purse, she said, | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
"Mm." She said, "When I lost the purse," she said, | 0:17:14 | 0:17:19 | |
"there was a £20 note in the purse, itself". | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
And she said, "Now, there's four fivers." | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
She says, "I don't understand that." | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
So the little boy said, "Well, it's simple, really. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
"The last time I found a lady's bag, | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
"she didn't have any change for a reward." | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:34 | 0:17:35 | |
So Pat's doing a little bit of extra work and he goes, | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
knocks on the door and he says, "Have you got any spare jobs?" | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
He says, he says, | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
"Yes, go round the back and wash the Rolls at the back." So off he goes, | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
round the back, and he's cleaning the Rolls | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
and he's giving it a good wash. He hoovers the inside. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:53 | |
And, as he's hoovering it, | 0:17:53 | 0:17:54 | |
he finds these little things, like that. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:57 | |
Little tees they were, actually. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:00 | |
And he was very confused. Very, very confused. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:03 | |
So, he goes back and he says, | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
"Sir, your Rolls Royce is all nice and clear, Sir. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
"But, tell me, what's this?" | 0:18:08 | 0:18:09 | |
"He says, "Oh, Pat! That, Pat, is a tee." | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
He says, "And what...? What are those for?" | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
He says, "Well, those are for putting your balls on, | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
"before you drive off." Well, he says, "But, Jaysus! | 0:18:17 | 0:18:19 | |
"This Rolls-Royce think of everything." | 0:18:19 | 0:18:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
My son came home from school the other day. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
I said, "How did you get on?" | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
So he said, "Great", he said. "I'm in a play." | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
I said, "That's lovely. What part have you got?" | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
He said, "I got the part of the husband." | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
I said, "Maybe next time, you'll get a speaking part." | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
Gary comes home from the pub and he's absolutely smashed. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
He staggers upstairs and slides into bed with his wife. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:49 | |
In the middle of the night, out of nowhere, an image appears to Gary. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:52 | |
It's an angel. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:55 | |
And he says, "Gary, you've died from alcohol poisoning." | 0:18:55 | 0:18:58 | |
"What?! No! No way! I've got too much to live for. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:01 | |
"You've got to send me back." | 0:19:01 | 0:19:02 | |
"Well, it's a bit unorthodox", said the angel, | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
"but, er, we could send you back as a chicken." | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
"Well, I've never heard that one before, but, er, give it a whack." | 0:19:08 | 0:19:12 | |
Gary the hen is now on a chicken farm | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
and he's got a really bad feeling in his stomach. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
And this other hen comes up to him and goes, | 0:19:17 | 0:19:18 | |
"Oh, I've been there before. Just let the feeling come out." | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
So... | 0:19:21 | 0:19:22 | |
-HE GROANS -He does and he lays an egg. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:25 | |
Gary, overcome with motherhood, so happy, he does it again. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:30 | |
He lays a second egg. "Ooh." | 0:19:30 | 0:19:31 | |
"I like that feeling. I'll have another one." | 0:19:31 | 0:19:34 | |
So he lays egg, after egg, after egg. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
Then his wife goes, "Gary! Wake up! You're shitting the bed!" | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
There are three stages of old age. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:48 | |
One of them is loss of memory. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
I can't remember the other two. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
So, I was on the motorway, the M1. My car broke down. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
It started to snow, started to sleet. I was getting desperate. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
I flagged down a passing motorist. I said, "You've got to help me! | 0:20:05 | 0:20:08 | |
"You've got to help me! I've broken down!" | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
He said, "I'm sorry", he said, | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
"I'm not a mechanic, I'm a chiropodist." | 0:20:12 | 0:20:15 | |
"Well", I said, "if you're a chiropodist... | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
"Give us a toe." | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
-HE LAUGHS DEEPLY ALL: -Whey! | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
This drunk staggers out of this pub. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
Pissed out of his head. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:25 | |
Walking down this dark country lane, | 0:20:25 | 0:20:27 | |
he sees this woman lurking in t'shadows. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
She shouts over, "Jimmy! Do you want to do some business?" | 0:20:30 | 0:20:33 | |
Well, Jimmy thinks... | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
I've never been with a prostitute before, | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
but I'll give it a go. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:39 | |
So off they go, round t'back of this bush, | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
they've been there about five minutes | 0:20:41 | 0:20:43 | |
and they get disturbed by the village bobby. | 0:20:43 | 0:20:45 | |
He says, "Jimmy, what you doing round t'back of that bush?" | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
Jimmy says, "Ooh!" He says, "Ooh! Oooh..." | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
..he says, "I'm making love to me missus! | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
The bobby says, "Well, that's all right, then, Jimmy. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
"I'm sorry to disturb you. I didn't realise it were your missus." | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
Jimmy says, "Neither did I, till he shone the torch in her face." | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:01 | 0:21:03 | |
I owned an Indian cafe on the end of the road. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
It was called Karma. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:09 | |
You don't order any food, we just give you what you deserve. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
-ALL: -Ooh! -LAUGHTER | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
So, I was on my sleigh on Christmas Eve | 0:21:15 | 0:21:19 | |
and all the reindeer were in front of me. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:22 | |
And we often have conversations, and Rudolph said to me, | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
"Santa, how do you know exactly where you are in the world?" | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
And I said, "Well, it's very easy. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
"I just stick my hand out of my sleigh | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
"and I know exactly where I am from the temperature." | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
He went, "Oh, really? Where are we now?" | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
I went, "Ooh, it's very warm. We must be in India." | 0:21:38 | 0:21:42 | |
He goes, "Yeah. That's right." | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
So we try again in half an hour. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:47 | |
And they go, "Santa, where are we?" | 0:21:47 | 0:21:50 | |
So, I stick my hand out and I go, "Oh, we must be in the South Pole | 0:21:50 | 0:21:54 | |
"cos it's very, very cold. In fact, it's freezing." | 0:21:54 | 0:21:57 | |
So, an hour's passed and Rudolph goes, "Santa, where are we now?" | 0:21:58 | 0:22:02 | |
And I stick my hand out and I go, "Glasgow." | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
And he says, "Glasgow?" And I say, "Yeah. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:08 | |
"Someone's nicked my watch." | 0:22:08 | 0:22:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:09 | 0:22:13 | |
Three lads, exploring the jungle, and they get taken by a tribe. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
Put in front of the chief and the chief goes, | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
"Right, I'll let you go free if you can sing me a song about a dog." | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
So the first lad steps forward and he goes, "Er..." | 0:22:21 | 0:22:24 | |
# How much is that doggy in the window? # | 0:22:24 | 0:22:26 | |
He goes, "Right, OK, you're off." | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
"Oh, OK." So the second lad steps forward and he goes, "Erm..." | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
# When I was a lad, old Shep was a pup. # | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
He goes, "OK, you're off." | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
So the third one's sat there thinking for while | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
and he goes, "Ah!" | 0:22:37 | 0:22:38 | |
# Strangers in the night exchanging glances. # | 0:22:38 | 0:22:42 | |
Chief goes, "Where's the dog in this?" He goes, "Hold on a sec." | 0:22:42 | 0:22:46 | |
# Scooby dooby doo... # | 0:22:46 | 0:22:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
Only really works if you know the song, as well, dunnit? | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
Right, I think that's me done. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:54 | 0:22:55 | |
Thank you. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
Gordon Brown dies and goes up to heaven. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
He's met at the pearly gates by St Peter. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:09 | |
Ushers him into this huge hallway. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
There's thousands and thousands of clocks. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
Gordon Brown says, "What are they for?" | 0:23:15 | 0:23:18 | |
St Peter says, "Well, every human being is allocated a clock, | 0:23:18 | 0:23:23 | |
"which is set to noon. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:24 | |
"And every time they tell a lie, the clock advances by a minute." | 0:23:24 | 0:23:29 | |
"See that one there? That one's Mother Teresa's, still set at noon. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:34 | |
"That one there, that belongs to Abraham Lincoln. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
"Two minutes past 12 - he lied twice, as a child." | 0:23:38 | 0:23:43 | |
Gordon Brown goes, "Where's Tony Blair's clock?" | 0:23:43 | 0:23:46 | |
St Peter says, | 0:23:46 | 0:23:47 | |
"Jesus is using that as a ceiling fan!" | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
-ALL: -Ey! | 0:23:50 | 0:23:52 | |
Bit of politics! | 0:23:52 | 0:23:53 | |
Crab walks into a bar. The barman said, "Oi! | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
"I've had enough of your mates coming in here, giving it all that!" | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:59 | 0:24:02 | |
I was talking to an astronaut the other day. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:04 | |
He said he'd been to the Moon. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
He told me about this restaurant on the Moon. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
"Great food", he said, | 0:24:08 | 0:24:09 | |
"but no atmosphere." | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
-ALL: -Hey! -GROANING | 0:24:11 | 0:24:12 | |
-IN DEEP VOICE: -What is the world's best Christmas present? | 0:24:12 | 0:24:16 | |
A broken drum. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:18 | |
You just can't beat it. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:19 | |
-GROANING -Da-dum, tss! | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
It's an old one, but it's a goodie. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
A man walks into a psychiatrist's and says, | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
"Doctor, Doctor! People keep ignoring me!" | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
"Next!" | 0:24:29 | 0:24:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
Three men, unfortunately, were in a car accident. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:37 | |
They go up to heaven. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:38 | |
At the gates, St Peter welcomes them and says, "Ah! | 0:24:38 | 0:24:41 | |
"Before you come in... | 0:24:41 | 0:24:43 | |
"I will let you in, | 0:24:43 | 0:24:44 | |
"if you give me something that's related to Christmas." | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
"OK." The first man goes in his pocket, | 0:24:46 | 0:24:49 | |
gives a piece of mistletoe to St Peter. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:51 | |
"Lovely, you're in. Bar's over there." | 0:24:51 | 0:24:53 | |
"Brilliant." Second man, he's checking. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:56 | |
He finds a Christmas cracker. Gives it to St Peter. He says, | 0:24:56 | 0:24:59 | |
"Great job. Bar's over there. You're in." | 0:24:59 | 0:25:01 | |
Well, the third one's panicking, goes in, pulls out... | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
a pair of ladies underwear. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:06 | |
Gives them to St Peter. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:07 | |
And he went, "What's that got to do with Christmas?" | 0:25:07 | 0:25:10 | |
He went, "They're Carol's." | 0:25:10 | 0:25:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
I had a real shock the 24th, last year. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:16 | |
Finished all the work, sitting back in the grotto in Lapland, | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
ready for a bit of relaxation. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
Mrs Claus sitting on my knee. I thought I'd do the right thing - | 0:25:21 | 0:25:24 | |
"What would you like for Christmas, darling?" | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
She looked me straight in the eye and said, "I want a divorce." | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
I looked back and said, | 0:25:29 | 0:25:30 | |
"I'm not thinking of spending that much, sweetheart." | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:32 | 0:25:33 | |
My friend, he went to the doctor. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
And he had this, like a little cock growing out of his head. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:40 | |
And he went to the doctor and the doctor said, | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
"Ooh, I've never seen that before. Now, that is quite... | 0:25:42 | 0:25:45 | |
"I've heard about it, but never seen it." | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
"Oh", he says, "Oh, dear. Can you cu...?" | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
"Ooh, no. We can't cut it off", he says. | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
"If we do that, it will affect your brain and you'll die." | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
He says, "Oh, my God. Well, what's going to happen?" | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
He says, "Well, it'll grow just like your own." | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
He says, "Oh, bloody hell", he says. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
"I've got a huge cock." | 0:26:00 | 0:26:01 | |
"Am I going to have to look at that all day?" | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
He says, "Oh, no. Don't worry. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:05 | |
"The bollocks'll hide it." | 0:26:05 | 0:26:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:07 | 0:26:09 | |
-Oh-ho-ho! -Ha-ha! | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
Policeman's doing spot checks on cars. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
Flags down a car... | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
bloke winds down the window. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:21 | |
Policeman says, "You've got a dozen penguins in the back of your car!" | 0:26:21 | 0:26:25 | |
He goes, "Yeah." | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
"Well, what the hell are you playing at? | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
"Take them to the zoo, immediately." | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
The bloke says, "OK." He drives off. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:34 | |
Anyway, the next day, the policeman's on the same duty. Same place. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:38 | |
Flags down the same car. Bloke winds down the window... | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
"You've still got that dozen penguins in there!" | 0:26:41 | 0:26:45 | |
He said, "I told you to take them to the zoo, immediately." | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
And he said, "I did. They enjoyed it so much, | 0:26:47 | 0:26:50 | |
"I thought I'd take them to the cinema this afternoon." | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
Man walks into a bar. There's a newt on his shoulder. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:59 | |
Goes up to the barman and says, "I'd like a pint of beer, please, | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
"and an orange juice for my pet, Tiny." | 0:27:02 | 0:27:05 | |
"Why do you call him Tiny?" | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
He's my newt, isn't he? | 0:27:07 | 0:27:09 | |
LAUGHTER AND GROANING | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
You see...? | 0:27:11 | 0:27:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:13 | 0:27:14 | |
Well, that was quite funny, but... | 0:27:14 | 0:27:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:17 | 0:27:18 | |
When I was at this Christmas party, my mate, Bob, | 0:27:18 | 0:27:22 | |
he's got six kids and is he proud of it. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
We're in the party and he shouts over to his wife, | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
"Can you get me a drink, mother of six?" | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
Then, a few minutes later, | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
"Can you get me a pork pie and some sausage rolls, mother of six?" | 0:27:32 | 0:27:35 | |
Towards the end of the evening, | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
I could see she was getting really wound up. | 0:27:38 | 0:27:41 | |
Anyway, just before he went, he shouts, | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
"What time are we leaving, mother of six?" | 0:27:43 | 0:27:45 | |
She says, "Any time you want, father of four." | 0:27:45 | 0:27:48 | |
-Oh! -LAUGHTER | 0:27:48 | 0:27:50 | |
Merry Christmas, everybody. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:53 | 0:27:55 | |
-Can I go now? -LAUGHTER | 0:27:55 | 0:27:57 | |
-Will that do ya? -CHEERING | 0:27:57 | 0:27:59 |