Episode 3 Stag

This programme contains strong language

and scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

-LEDGE:

-'What happens over the next 72 hours will change us as men.

'And when we get home, we will say

'that this was the stag to end all stags.'

RAUCOUS SINGING

'The stag-hunting stag of Angus "Johnners" Johnson,

'the best friend a man could have!'

-FRAN ON PHONE:

-'Just promise me you'll make sure he comes back

-'in one piece.'

-I promise.

ALL: To the kill!

LOUD THUD, SQUELCH

Aitken?

LOUD ROAR

This has got to be the worst stag weekend ever.

They're all horrific. That lot have got more money than sense.

HE SCREAMS

Wendy!

Come on, Neils!

FADING WHISTLE

These people are worthless, Ian.

If that's how you feel, then...

-...why come?

-To end it.

-LEDGE:

-No idea what Johnners sees in him.

He even tried to get him into the Guernsey scheme.

I said, "There's no way

"that sofa-surfing pleb has 200K lying around."

-GAMEKEEPER:

-You don't turn your back on the important things.

Could you call 999?

GUN FIRES

What are you doing here? I haven't seen you since...

When was it? Chiggy's wedding?

MUSIC: Photograph by Ed Sheeran

# Loving can hurt

# Loving can hurt sometimes

# But it's the only thing that I know

# And when it gets hard... # DOOR OPENS

# You know it can get hard sometimes... #

DOOR SLAMS

THUNDER CRASHES

# It is the only thing that makes us feel alive... #

SPLASHING

HE GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION

Come on!

Ohh!

Ohhh!

HE SNIFFS

ENGINE SPUTTERS

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah...

Going somewhere?

Not that funny, to be honest.

I'm not joking. Where've you been?

How long have you had a gun?

It's a flare gun. I found it under the seat.

Why haven't you fired it?

There's only one round.

We only need one rescue.

Steady on, Lego man. We don't want to waste it.

We'll fire it when we get into open ground.

Christoph's dead.

Yeah. I heard.

Really? Who told you?

The shot, you prat, I heard the shot.

So...

..it's just you and me now.

Only kidding.

LEDGE WHISTLES

-JOHNNERS:

-So, why did you go back?

To help him!

How?

By smearing deer shit all in his face.

It was a nice gesture, mate.

I witnessed everything.

And in the end, he took it like a man.

-You saw the killer?

-No.

But Christoph did.

And Christoph recognised him.

It's someone we know?

OK. OK. So we just wait for the police to turn up and arrest

this so-called bloody friend of ours.

If Cosmo did reach the cops,

don't you think they'd be here already?

Guys, I know exactly what we should do.

Pylons.

What, like when everyone jumps on top of each other?

Electricity pylons.

They're not here. On the map.

This map, it's fake. I don't know, whoever made it should be fired

from Ordnance Survey, frankly.

But the pylons are real. I saw them yesterday.

And what do you find when you follow electricity pylons?

People.

You follow them for long enough

and you'll hit a power station or, even better,

a network of telegraph poles

leading to a residential or a commercial property.

-Either way...

-No!

I-I'm sorry.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm bored of running.

This entire weekend has been defined by running.

-And homicide.

-Exactly.

And that's not what any of us signed up for.

I mean, this was meant to be one last weekend, you know,

where we all hang out and have fun before we all get married

and we're told that we're not allowed to do this any more.

So enough's enough!

This is my stag do.

I came here to hunt, and that is exactly what I'm going to do.

I really don't think there's time for that, man.

No, I'm going to hunt down whoever's doing this.

And then I'm going to kill them.

-LEDGE:

-Now, hold on.

Wait. There's 500 square miles here.

And that's just the map. It's the tip of the iceberg.

You can't find him. You're never going to find him.

We don't need to find him, Ian.

He's going to find us.

DISTANT EXPLOSION

Hey!

SHOUTS: Hey!

Excuse me?!

-LEDGE:

-Hey!

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, shit!

-MEX:

-Hey, mister!

-LEDGE:

-Oi-oi! Wanker!

-MEX:

-Yo!

Shooooot!

DISTORTED: Angus!

I've been shot!

No shit!

-Angus!

-Please!

-Mate!

-Help!

-LEDGE:

-Nobody move. Seriously.

This could be like that bit

in Saving Private Ryan.

He could be waiting to shoot us when we go to help Johnners.

I love Saving Private Ryan!

Not now, Mex.

Apparently, loads of veterans who saw it at the cinema said that

that bit at the beginning was more realistic than actually being there.

-LEDGE:

-Let's talk about this later, mate.

Guys? This is Ian.

Hi, Ian.

All right?

Do you think you could crawl round this way?

GUNSHOTS HIT CAR DOOR

Oh, shit!

-I'm fine, I'm fine.

-You OK?

GUNSHOTS HIT CAR DOOR

Oh!

Do you want some?

Keep moving!

GUNSHOTS

THEY GRUNT

We'll get Johnners. You keep watch.

OK!

Go.

What can you see?

Hang on.

GUNSHOT

Oh! Shit! Go!

GUNSHOT

-LEDGE:

-What the hell happened there? Johnners?

Johnners!

Angus! What the fuck was that?

Look, let's just get out of here, shall we?

We put our lives on the line, like we agreed.

All you had to do was pull the bloody trigger.

You bottled it.

Go easy, the guy's just been shot.

The guy got shot because he pussied out.

Maybe that's what getting hit does to a man.

Anyway, look at it. You got worse injuries playing rugby.

What do you want me to say?

That I'm sorry? Fine.

Yeah. Sorry.

Sorry I don't have it in me to murder.

Yes, we can't all shoot things.

You can't, Thumbnail. But then, you didn't volunteer.

Fuck!

Ow! Fuck!

Fuck!

It is time...to end this.

No! No!

No, just... Just... No.

We only fire the flare if we're in serious trouble.

-What do you call this?!

-Right now, Ledge,

right now, we're OK.

But if we get separated or we're at death's door,

that's when we pull the trigger.

That's what it's for.

As a last resort. Yes?

-Yes? ALL:

-Yes...

Thank you.

That's confiscated.

Now, I don't know what you guys want to do next,

but I know where I'm going.

I'm heading for the pylons.

And, with a bit of help from the National Grid,

I'm getting the fuck out of here.

Ledge?

Mate!

WIRES HUM

You must be used to all this rural shit, being from Eastbourne.

I'm surprised you remember.

Of course I remember. Besides, my father has a property down there.

-Really? Where?

-Do you know where that big shopping centre is?

Yeah.

Yeah, right there.

What, near the shopping centre?

The shopping centre itself.

-Is that anywhere near you?

-About a mile.

My place is a little bit smaller.

A small house for a small man, I suppose.

Don't do that, mate.

-What?

-Do yourself down.

You're a bigger man than we'd have you believe.

Who's Chiggy?

-Who?

-Chiggy.

Do you mean Alice Chigwell-Jones?

I don't know.

God, I haven't heard that name in a long time.

HE CHUCKLES

Well, that's how they knew each other.

Christoph recognised the killer from Chiggy's wedding.

Maybe it narrows it down.

-MEX:

-Where have they gone?!

What?

They can't just stop for no reason.

You know?

They must... They must go somewhere.

FAINT ROARING

There.

Of course! Can you hear that?

Who can tell me what that is?

IAN: Hydroelectric!

-MEX:

-I think we can get onto it over there.

THEY LAUGH DELIGHTEDLY

Right! This is it.

It's the only way out.

Are you sure?

That's what the gamekeeper said.

Guys? Guys!

Keep your eyes on the hills.

We're sitting ducks out here.

This is intense!

-Eyes peeled, boys.

-Keep your head down, Mex!

I'm going to bring my nephew up here when this is all over.

CLICK

-Back up. Back up, back up!

-What, and leave Mex?

That's what Mex would want us to do. Yeah, buddy?

Because this is dangerous...for everyone, isn't it, Mexico?

Retrace your steps, guys.

Retrace your steps.

Whatever you do, Mex...don't move.

And keep your head down.

Try...try and stay comfortable.

Where's that bloody sniper when you need him?

Don't even speak, Mex.

It might sense your mouth moving.

I suppose, in a way,

if we're looking for a silver lining...

...when I die...your shares in the scheme grow even bigger.

Mex, shut up!

For your own safety!

Guys, I can't handle it.

-I'm just going to step off.

-Oh, OK, mate, OK...

But before you do, I've got an idea.

How about you tell the others what we talked about?

I think that'd be good. Don't you?

What we talked about up on the hill, mate, remember?

Are you sure?

I don't...think anyone would mind.

Honestly?

Honestly.

We've all known each other a very long time.

We can share that kind of shit.

And then, whatever happens, if you decide to step off,

at least it'll be out there, mate.

It's very personal.

I get that.

You can do it, buddy.

I think I know what it is.

You do? How?!

And I agree.

I agree with Ledge. You should just say it.

Say it.

And step off.

OK, guys.

The truth is...

..Ledge can't have children.

THUNDER RUMBLES

The poor guy just does not have the sperms.

OK...

Here goes.

I'm OK!

-MEX LAUGHS

-I'm OK!

I'm OK!

-THEY CHEER

-I'm OK!

You jammy bastard!

# I'm still standing Yeah, yeah, yeah! #

Sing it, girlfriend!

OK, well, you might want to be careful,

actually, cos there could be a second...

Let's go.

We could...we could take our chances.

We're nearly there.

I'm just beginning to like you, Ewok,

but that is the worst idea since the Millennium Dome.

What the hell's this investment scheme everyone keeps talking about?

Huh?

What are you two involved in?

Do you know what, Ian?

I'm glad you came on my stag.

It's great. But...

That doesn't mean you can go nosing into everyone's business.

Well, it does if my life's in danger.

Oh, your life's in danger?

All of our lives are in danger.

That's all you need to worry about, mate.

Listen, Ian, I've been thinking.

And, um, maybe you should just fuck off.

Excuse me?

You said it yourself. The killer knows us.

Us. Not you.

So...

You should go.

But we stick together!

Look what happened yesterday when we split up.

He's right, Ian.

You'll be safer alone, mate.

-But...

-But what?

But I promised my sister.

Fran would want me to tell you to go.

The killer can't be in two places at once.

So this is it, then.

OK, Wizbit, piss off.

Run!

FLIES BUZZ

GRUNTS

MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY

# ...I can't sweep you off of your feet

# Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?

# Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

# And, darling, I will be loving you...

# Till we're 70

# And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23

# And I'm thinkin' 'bout how people

# Fall in love in mysterious ways

# Maybe just the touch of a hand

# Me, I fall in love with you every single day... #

TRAP DOOR OPENS

# So, honey, now

# Take me into your loving arms

# Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

# Place your hand on my beating heart

# I'm thinking out loud

# Baby, we found love...

# Right where we are

# When my hair's all gone and... #

PLASTIC BOTTLE CRUNCHES

# When my hands don't play the strings the same way... #

Can I just say, I know exactly what this is about?

This is about the financial scheme that they're all involved in,

which has absolutely nothing to do with me, OK?

I've never even been to Guernsey.

I've not been to any of the Channel Islands.

-Kneel down.

-Oh...

Oh, God.

I pay all my taxes.

I don't have a choice. I'm PAYE.

It's a good system. I don't have a problem with it.

Put it on. Now.

Why blindfold me if...

I already know what you look like?

It's not a blindfold.

It's going to get messy. Gotcha...

Can I just say one last thing?

Please?

This seems like an unusual request, but...

would you mind shooting me in the face...

..rather than the back?

Seeing as you don't know me...

..I'd like you to see just who it is you are actually murdering.

Ah!

Oh!

HE GROANS

Ohhh!

TWIGS CRACK

STAG GRUNTS

LEDGE GROANS IN DISGUST

Who was at Chiggy's wedding?

I don't know.

There was, like, hundreds of people.

Yeah, but who do WE know who was there?

Er...

Well, I don't know. It was, like, ten years ago, wasn't it?

Sorry I ballsed this up, buddy.

This is the opposite of a decent stag.

Seriously unforgivable.

I mean, what are we going to tell people when we get back to Clapham?

Don't beat yourself up about it.

I will beat myself up about it, thank you very much.

You see, I'm responsible. I'm the world's worst best man.

Should have done the boozy lunch.

Should have done the boozy lunch.

Mex was right.

The Guernsey Six is now the Guernsey Pair.

You and I are 50/50.

That's, what...

..twelve and a half million apiece.

Don't know about you, but I'm not sure I even want it after all this.

I might give it all to charity.

Better still, get myself a gig on Dragons' Den.

Quieten down, buddy.

Stag's talking now.

Stag's talking.

That's it, buddy.

I'm going to miss you, buddy.

IAN CLICKS TONGUE Where are you, boy?

CLICKS TONGUE

STAG GRUNTS

Where are you taking me, boy?

CLICKS TONGUE

STAG BELLOWS

STAG GRUNTS

Show-off.

TRAP DOOR OPENS

Christ, Angus,

-you could have got yourself shot.

-Again, you mean?

I'm going to need a new best man.

HE COUGHS

FLARE EXPLODES

-JOHNNERS:

-Did you notice the gate-crasher?

Christoph? He's dealt with.

I know Christoph was here. Who do you think buried him for you?

I'm talking about the little guy, Ian.

Sophie?

He saw me.

He's seen my face.

How?

He found this place.

I came back and he was in here.

When?

Two hours ago?

You did two tours in Helmand.

You're armed with antipersonnel mines, a high-powered rifle

and a harpoon gun, and you managed to let a new potato in a dinner suit

beat you up with a bottle of Evian?

Well, it sounds bad when you put it like that.

You have to deal with this.

It's your fuck-up, your responsibility.

Don't talk to me like that.

I can't lead them round in circles for ever.

I can't pin it on the gamekeeper any more. You need to finish the job.

I'll call you from a landline. Make sure it's done, OK?

-You'll call off the wedding?

-Oh, yeah, of course.

I might even take you for a romantic night away.

Another mindless quickie in the Premier Inn?

Sophie, please!

We'll have 25 million in the bank.

We'll do it in the Radisson Blu.

You're doing so, so well.

We're nearly there.

OK?

You dealt with the bodies?

Make sure you burn the maps and the photos when you're done.

Where are you going?

I still need my alibi.

(Johnners?)

Johnners!

Johnners!

Ledge...

Ledge? Ledge!

Ledge! Ledge, come on.

Come on, it's me. It's Ian.

Ledge! Come on!

It's Wizbit. Huh?

It's Wizbit. It's croupier Gollum.

It's...Sandi Toksvig. It's R2-D2.

I... I can't remember them all, Ledge.

Please... Ledge!

Legend!

COCKS GUN

Go on, then.

What's with the crazy long pause?

It's not the fucking X Factor final. Do it.

You're the last man standing.

You weren't meant to be here.

Well, I am.

HE LAUGHS RUEFULLY I am here.

Because I made a promise to my sister.

This was the man...

she was meant to have married.

She loved him so much.

She would have done anything for him.

Whatever these guys are involved in...

however much money's coming your way...

doesn't make any of this...

..OK.

All right?

Not even slightly.

Do you think we could pretend we haven't seen each other?

And we never are going to see each other.

Ever again.

How does that sound?

Pretty peachy, to be honest.

Before I change my mind.

ENGINE STARTS

Left one does the gears.

Thank you!

ENGINE IDLES

Fuckin' hell!

Evening!

POP MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY

What can I get you?

I need to use your phone, please.

Someone's using it. So what you having?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT I'll just have the usual.

Well, you've only been in here once.

Well, I'll... I'll have what I had last time.

-Which was...?

-I don't know!

I'll have an orange juice.

Right.

So, any good kills?

-What?!

-On your stag hunt.

Quite a few, as it happens.

I really need to use that telephone.

I just told you, your friend is using it.

He'll be back in a minute.

JOHNNERS CHUCKLES IN DISTANCE

-JOHNNERS LAUGHS

-Yeah!

I'll, er... I'll call you back.

Ian!

You're still alive!

That's amazing!

Yeah.

Who were you just talking to?

The police, of course.

Of course.

Yeah. And they're fully up to speed now, which is...

Well, it's great.

Maybe I should ring Fran.

Well, I-I also rang Fran.

She is one relieved woman, let me tell you.

-JOHNNERS SIGHS

-Yeah.

I'm just...praying Ledge got out alive.

JOHNNERS SIGHS

Actually, Angus, I...

And I'm very sorry to have to say this, but...

He almost got out.

He managed to fire that flare up, but...

..he didn't quite make it.

"Best man can't do everything."

When he asked me to leave...

..it's almost as if he knew

he was sending me out of harm's way, you know?

Yeah. I think you might be right.

Ian Telford?

Yes.

Your card didn't go through.

There's still over 500 quid on there.

Try it again. I get paid on Fridays.

And there's...

..a wee tip...

there for you, lassie!

I'm just going to, er...

pop to the bog.

DOOR BANGS SHUT

Number two, is it?

Ian?

TOILET FLUSHES

Ian?

Er, why don't you come back to the bar?

We can carry on chatting.

Oh, shit!

Yeah, the Southmuir Arms.

The police are on their way.

How long till they get here?

Hey, with the potholes in the road, it'll be the best part of an hour.

LOUD CRASHING IAN: Sorry.

Hey... Hey!

-SHOUTING:

-Hey! What are you doing?!

Ian!

Listen, buddy...

OK, just to be clear, none of this has anything to do with your sister.

She and I, we're...

Well...

we're soul mates.

Soul mates?

Well, let's see, shall we?

Let's have a look at the old...questionnaire.

Question one.

Well, we-we have done question one...

We tried.

We haven't actually heard your answer.

Oh, God...

"When's Fran's birthday?"

-It's...

-No? No, I didn't think so.

Question two.

"Gillette, Tussauds or..."

No, we'll forget that one.

Where are they?

IAN: Question 13. Ah, here we are.

You'll like this one, actually.

This is all about you.

"What phrase would Fran use to describe Angus?"

Ian, I... I don't want to play any more, buddy.

-Answer the question!

-"Sensitive."

"Smells good."

"OK at cooking."

Do you want to know what it actually says?

It says...

.."Really well hung."

What?

Really? It says...

No.

No, Ian...

Ian, buddy, wait.

I...

You don't deserve my sister.

That's what this weekend's been about for me.

There was a point where I thought she'd done well for herself, but...

Ian!

Ian, buddy...

Ian...

Ian, are you...are you still there?

Yeah.

Listen, buddy, I'll admit it, this whole Fran engagement thing,

it was just a way to get everyone together, you know?

The truth is that I don't love your sister.

And...

I don't deserve her.

But, you know, that doesn't mean that we can't share the cash

from the Guernsey scheme.

You know, we'll split it three ways you, me,

Fran, you know?

We just blame the whole thing on Sophie, you know?

-Mental Sophie.

-HE CHUCKLES

She's been doing all this, right, because she's got it stuck

into her silly little female head

that we might actually get back together at some point.

But there's no way.

I mean, honestly, buddy...

Buddy, I wouldn't touch her with yours, you know? So...

JOHNNERS LAUGHS

Ian?

Buddy?

Oh, fuck!

Oh... Oh, my God.

Ow, you little pervert!

Come on!

Ian!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

All right, if this is what it takes...

Sophie!

My God!

Oh, my God! Well, thank God you're here!

I thought I said I never wanted to see you again.

Ian, buddy...

We were just talking about you.

Sophie?

What's that?

Sophie?

Is that a mincer?

No way!

Seriously, Sophie, you can't do this!

If you kill me, no-one gets the money! That's how it works.

-Is it?

-Of course!

We paid Wendy to set it up that way. He made sure of it.

Come on... Sophie?

-MOTOR STARTS

-Oh, no! No!

-HE SCREAMS

-No!

No! God! No, no, no, no, no!

No! No, no, no, no!

IAN SCREAMS IN PAIN

MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY

MUSIC: I'm Still Standing by Elton John

SIREN WAILS

LOW POLICE RADIO CHATTER

RINGING TONE

-FRAN:

-Hey, baby, how did it go? Oh, was my brother OK?

He survived.

He didn't try any of his god-awful jokes, did he?

-Ugh!

-SHE LAUGHS

Fran, it's me.

Ian?

Well, what's going on? Where's Angus?

Oh, just tell me he's still in one piece!

SHE CHUCKLES

Ian, come on, put him on.

Fran, I need you to listen to me very carefully, OK?

-OK!

-SHE LAUGHS

Ian?

Ian!

You remember that guy I told you about at work,

Tony Wallace, Deputy Head of Maths?

Yeah, I remember him, but what's that got to do with anything?

Well, he's loyal.

Washes his hair, pays all his taxes.

Ian, what are you on about?

I'm coming home, Fran.

School tomorrow.

I'm testing Year 9 on...

mountains and rivers.

Ian?

Ian!

IAN SINGS: I'm still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah...

I'm still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah...

I'm still standing...