Episode 2 Sweat the Small Stuff: Extra Sweaty

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Nick Grimshaw, and this is Sweat The Small Stuff!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Yes, welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

the show that makes a big deal about the very little things in life,

like, I don't care much about the nuclear arms situation

and that really doesn't bother me.

What bothers me is that I know nothing

about Michelle Obama's arm situation.

Have you seen her triceps? She's incredible.

Apparently, also, politicians met this week in Washington

to renew vows for peace between Israel and Palestine.

-Boring.

-LAUGHTER

Is it not more significant that Mariah Carey and her husband

met this week to renew their vows in Disneyland?

That's where you have a meeting.

LAUGHTER

I care about these things

because the little things really are worth sweating about,

but I can't do it alone, so let's meet our team captains.

Yes, they're my favourite duo - after Ashleigh and Pudsey,

Ant and Dec, Hale and Pace, Torvill and Dean, or Marks & Spencer's.

From Kiss FM, it's Rickie Haywood-Williams and Melvin Odoom!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi!

-Grimmy!

-Hi, Rickie!

-How are you?

-I'm very good, how are you?

-I'm good, you're looking very suave today.

-I look well smart.

-I like the little pockets...

-Do you like this?

-A lady taught me how to do it before, should I demonstrate?

-Do it.

Because I did it wrong. She said, "You put it on the table

"and then you pick it up like this and you just throw it in."

LAUGHTER

A big week last week. You won the first ever episode

on the first ever series of Sweat The Small Stuff.

-I'll do it again this week.

-You think you'll win again?

-100%.

I think you might win. You look like Pharrell tonight.

-Ah, shut up.

-You do!

-Really?

-Me like Pharrell!

LAUGHTER

-Not such a big week for you though.

-No.

-Never a big week for you.

LAUGHTER

-My dad's here though.

-Where's your dad?

-Just over there.

-Hi, Dad!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLING

Who was whistling at my dad, boy? That is raunchy, you over there.

Dad, get that number.

LAUGHTER

Let's meet the teams.

On Rickie's team this evening is a TV presenter

who is sweating it because she's currently searching

for a new co-presenter for the Xtra Factor.

-If Ollie doesn't do it, do you want to do it?

-No, I'm OK, thanks.

It's Caroline Flack!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Also joining Caroline and Rickie we have an award-winning comedian

who admits to being a bit of a binge drinker

who can never remember a thing the next day.

He's sweating it because he has absolutely no idea where he is

or how he ended up here, next to Caroline Flack AGAIN.

It's Seann Walsh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a nice team, isn't it?

-It's a good team.

-I'm pleased with our team.

-Are you?

-Mmm.

-It's a very nice set you've got.

-It's good, isn't it?

They look a bit like, we thought, like sideways vaginas.

LAUGHTER

You have definitely never seen a vagina.

I've never seen one.

Over on Melvin's team, we have a soon-to-be mother

who's sweating it because she doesn't want her child

to follow in Marvin's footsteps and become unemployed.

She's made it to show two, it's Rochelle from the Saturdays.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes!

And we have, joining those two, a grime superstar,

who's sweating it in case I reveal his real name.

It's Jermaine Sinclair! Sorry...

It's Wretch 32, everybody!

APPLAUSE

-Rochelle, you're still with us.

-I know! I'm doing well.

I do have some things here, just in case owt happens on the show today.

Cos you're the most pregnant lady I've ever seen, I think.

-Am I?

-I think in real life, yeah.

-I have two weeks to go.

We're going to have to start carving a bit out.

It's wipe-clean, this floor.

-If your waters break it's fine.

-Right.

-Have you got a mop?

-No, I don't have a mop.

I've got gas and air.

I've also got, what else have I got? Hot towels.

-Right?

-Not warm, but we'll warm them up later.

-OK, perfect.

We've got a plunger, not sure if we need that.

What's that for? Oh, my goodness!

This is a big 'un.

Don't they use them, though?

Isn't that not why I've got a funny-shaped head?

-I've only got two weeks left, you're scaring me.

-Well, that's for you.

And also I've got you this because this is quite important.

This is something I actually learnt about this week.

I never knew this existed. This is a breast pump thing.

No, but I didn't know that that happened. I thought that you just put it in the baby's mouth.

But when the baby's having a nap, you have to put your tit in that.

-You could have got me an electric one.

-Like a cow has?

Yeah!

That's what the other members of JLS can do now they're out of work.

Milk Rochelle.

There is something so wrong about that.

Something for Oritse to do of an afternoon.

That is... Oh, no! Don't!

Seann Walsh, what is making you sweat all of this week?

It says here, "Returning missed calls".

Returning missed calls, this has always annoyed me. What happens,

someone calls you, your mate calls you, you miss the call,

-you call him, he misses your call.

-I hate that.

This keeps on happening, all day.

Then he calls you, you JUST miss the call, JUST,

just miss the call, call straight back,

he doesn't answer. Where the fuck have you gone?

LAUGHTER What's going on?

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

There's not been enough time

for him to put the phone back in his pocket.

You call back straight away.

All that could've happened here is you've not answered

and he's gone, "Fuck him!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, it's time for round one. Are you ready, teams?

ALL: Yes!

Yeah! As you know, Sweat The Small Stuff

is all about the little things in life.

When it comes to the news, we don't care about the big stories,

I am much more interested in stuff like this.

Here is a teeny, tiny news story that we found

that says the average Briton has slept with eight people.

Melvin, how many do you think is TOO many?

The maximum I'd go for is 40.

-Melvin!

-You would have a lady that had had sex with 40 men?

Let's say if you really loved her...

-Yes, but if she's had 41, it's a no-go area.

-Yes.

-A strict cut-off point.

-40 is me maximum.

-So different for men and women.

-Isn't it? Thank you!

-Girl power!

WOMEN WHOOP AND CHEER

LAUGHTER

Teams, do you think that you can tell just by looking at someone

if they have slept with more than eight people?

-Yes.

-Yes?

-No!

-We have decided to put this to the test.

We rounded up some people on the street and asked them,

"Have you slept with more than eight people?"

The way this is going to work, we will see the person swear on...

-this.

-MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

The quiff of me!

We made them swear on this to tell the absolute truth

and all you have to do is decide if they are indeed a little bit slutty.

We start with your team, Rickie -

let's have the first potential perv, please.

Hi, my name is Chris

and I swear on the quiff of Grimmy to tell the absolute truth.

Have you slept with more than eight people?

Whoa!

-What do we think?

-I don't think he has.

-No? Why don't you think that?

-Because I think he looks a little bit shy.

-Do you think?

-He's got purple hair, Caroline!

-But that's to cover up his shyness.

-I think he's a little bit nervous.

-Seann, what do you think?

Um, I think...

There will be a girl and she'll have the same hair as him

and definitely, yes.

-So we're going yes?

-You're going for yes. Let's find out!

No, I'm a bit of a loser in that sense. I've been with...

Hmmm. Five!

So, you know... Not too bad.

ALL: Awww!

APPLAUSE

One for Melvin's team, please.

Hi, I'm Marilyn and I swear on the quiff of Grimmy that I'm going

to tell the absolute truth.

Have you slept with more than eight people?

-Hm, has she?

-Oh, I don't know.

-Or hasn't she?

-What do you think in the audience?

-Yes!

-No!

I don't know.

-She's too angelic-looking. She looks too homely.

-Yes, I don't think so.

Exactly - is that her decoy?

Maybe she's a sex disguise woman!

-LAUGHTER

-We're going to say no.

You're saying no, she has not slept with more than eight people -

-let's find out, has she?

-I have not slept with eight people.

I've slept with two people. Three people! I forgot a person!

APPLAUSE

-Five people! Six people! Seven!

-How many has she forgotten?

Someone's sitting at home crying!

Back to Rickie's team.

For you - is this person slutty or not?

Hi, my name is Kevin.

I swear on the quiff of...Grimmy

I'll tell the absolute truth.

Have you slept with more than eight people?

100% yes.

I think he looks like he's been married

since he was really young.

He's probably been with the same woman all his life.

-Only slept with one.

-Flack is saying one.

-He looks like absolute filth!

-Look at his face!

-So you're saying yes?

-Absolutely filthy, yes!

-OK! Let's find out if he's filthy!

-Yes.

-How many?

Couldn't tell ya!

APPLAUSE

What a legend! Back to you, Melvin's team! Next one for you.

OK.

Hi, my name is Eryn

and I swear to tell the absolute truth on the quiff of Grimmy.

Have you slept with more than eight people?

-ROCHELLE:

-Yes.

-MELVIN: No fucking way!

No, he has. He has cos he did this, like...

"Do you swear?" Then he just sort of just went...

Yeah, look away's a good sign.

The eye shift. He can't look her in the eye.

-Melvin and Wretch?

-You're saying yes? What are we saying?

He's going to say yes.

-But he's still a liar?

-But I think no.

-So, we're saying yes then?

-Say yes, yeah.

-Let's find out!

No.

HE LAUGHS No, I haven't.

Yes, he has! He's lying!

He's lying! I don't like that.

He's lied to somebody, hasn't he? It's just you.

Rickie's team, next one.

Hi, my name's Zoe and on the quiff of Grimmy,

I swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Have you slept with more than eight people?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Right! What do you reckon, guys? Yes?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

The audience say yes.

-We're going to go yeah.

-You're going yes. Let's find out!

If my parents hear this... Yes, yes I have.

I like that she wants her parents to know.

"If my parents are watching, then yes. Screw you, Mum!"

Melvin's team, this is one for you.

Have they done it with more or less than eight people?

Hi, my name is Felipo and on the quiff of Grimmy,

I swear to tell the truth.

Have you slept with more than eight people?

-ROCHELLE: Yes! MELVIN:

-Felipo! Felipo!

-Audience are saying yes!

Like, before he even spoke. "I've done him. I've had him.

-"I'm doing him now."

-The guys sounds sexy.

He did a little recall as well. He was like... "Yeah!"

-Yeah, definitely. Who HASN'T he slept with is the question.

-OK.

Let's find out, they're saying yes.

At the same time?

WHOOPING AND LAUGHING

Separately, yes. At the same time, no.

But it could be something to add on the list.

It only registers...

I threw something his way.

-What a don.

-Thank you for playing On The Quiff Of Grimmy!

APPLAUSE

It says here, Wretch 32,

that you have been sweating about a wonderful cereal called Sugar Puffs.

-Nah - my issue is the milk has always gone off in my house.

-OK...

Somebody said yeah - you know about this? Or you live with me?

LAUGHTER

That's your milkman.

Yes, so I run down the stairs,

I'm excited about a bowl of Sugar Puffs, pour the milk in...

You're half asleep, so you don't check, you're going for the spoon,

-and you don't have milk, you have yoghurt. So, yeah...

-Eurgh!

Don't you eat weird stuff? Don't you eat weird things, like...beige?

-I have plain bagels, just plain.

-No butter?

-No butter.

-Plain bagels.

Because I heard the diet of Wretch 32 is chips, bagels, Sugar Puffs.

-And gone-off milk.

-And gone-off milk.

I can relate to you. This is how lazy I am.

When I was at home, cooking fish fingers, chips and beans...

-Oh, I love that meal!

-Ladies!

LAUGHTER

-I do!

-It's quality, right?

-I love that!

-Come round, we'll eat! So...

I had a pack of fish fingers in my left hand,

and a bag of chips in my right.

The temperature and the timing on the fish fingers matched

the temperature and the timing on the chips,

and I was on my own, and I went, "Get in!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK. It's time for Round Two.

I'm going to give both teams a clue as to one of my own personal sweats

and this one is one

that I'm genuinely really worried about sharing with you all.

Because it's something I probably shouldn't admit on national TV.

Is it that you prefer listening to Kiss breakfast?

LAUGHTER

That's absolutely correct!

-It's a good show!

-It's a good show. Tut.

Is it that you really wanted to be friends with Niall from One Direction,

and that's why you started being friends with Harry?

That's what's going on.

And now you can't get rid of Harry!

He's a mere stepping stone to the Irish great one!

LAUGHTER

-OK, shall I give you a clue?

-Yes.

OK, teams - what is it about THIS that I've been sweating about?

# Daddy, I've fallen for a monster. #

OK.

APPLAUSE

That's Stooshe.

Off of the pop charts.

But what is it about that that has got me sweating?

I don't know, but I like them!

-They're good, innit?!

-Is it three sexy ladies?

-Yes, I HATE WOMEN!

-Girl bands?

-Not girl bands.

-Harmonies?

-Not harmonies.

-Do you want another clue?

-People singing.

-Another clue.

OK.

# Why did you let it slip

# Slip

# Give me that TLC

# Back to me

# You put your mind back on it

# Do it like I want it

# That's how it used to be

# Why did you let it slip? #

-MELVIN:

-Whoo!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Any other ideas?

-People singing behind you?

-Close!

-You don't like people singing live?

-Boom, Rochelle!

I do not like people singing near me,

and I hate the fact that I'm a radio DJ who absolutely hates live music!

A point for Melvin's team!

CHEERING

Does anyone else hate live music?

-I love Wretch 32's face - "No, it is my living!"

-I'm in shock!

-No, I don't like it.

-I can never see at gigs. I'm too small.

Is it quite hard when you go to a gig and you can't see

the band to pick which one you want as your next boyfriend?

ALL: Ohhhh!

-Oi!

-That's nice!

-Oi!

Oi, leave her alone!

I hate gigs, they suck. People touching me...

I have to be quiet for, like, an hour and a half...

You don't like going to gigs?

No, because it's too long and I think it's

because I can't sit down and be quiet for two hours.

Also, people frown when I use my phone.

LAUGHTER

I've seen you in action at a festival...

See, a festival is all right, because there's other distractions.

However, my worst thing at a festival,

almost as bad as live music is the festival fashion.

It drives me crazy.

You know, when people dress different because they're

going to a festival, so they wear normal clothes all the time and then

they go to a festival and then they dress like they're on acid in 1969.

The worst is when people save the bracelets, the wristbands.

"Oh, I went to Glastonbury, I went to Reading, I went to Latitude..."

I went to..." I couldn't give a shit, mate!

I've been to loads of places,

I don't carry around my airport tickets, there you go -

I went to Paris, Amsterdam, Barcelona...

Oh, there's a token from Alton Towers! Look!

APPLAUSE

I think the downside is though, a festival is fun and everything,

I like 'em, but the downside is the best place to watch bands is

also the worst place, the most dangerous.

There's a mosh pit, people throwing bottles of piss,

and you can get piss on you.

Has it ever happened to you, Wretch? Have you ever had anything thrown on you on-stage or owt?

-Em, not piss. I've had bras.

-Yeah!

What do you do with them? Do you keep them and gift them to aunties?

-I kind of just throw it back off the stage.

-"Clear off!"

-Do they bring bras or take them off to throw them?

-I think they take it off.

I've actually seen a woman do it.

Like, I'm performing and she's just so excited and...

Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm really enjoying this show. I'm going to take my bra off.

Have you ever had anything thrown on at you, Rochelle?

Um, probably, but I just choose to ignore it.

I'm still going to perform, whether you like it or not!

I'm enjoying myself and having a whale of a time. Throw the piss!

LAUGHTER

Don't do that as an opening monologue. "You know what?

"You want to throw piss at me..."

You know what, though - I don't always think it's pee.

It's probably beer.

How do you know?

You've got to do a little reach-around next time, like...

Oh!

Yes, stranger's piss in my mouth.

Which leads us on to our next game,

the wonderfully titled Urine The Line of Fire.

CHEERING

Here we are then at my favourite festival, Wee In The Park.

It's a tiny Festival, perfect for Melvin!

The gag is he's short!

Teams, the way this is going to work, you're going to have

some bottles of fresh urine to throw at a musical target.

Two musical stars will pop up over there on the stage

and you have to decide which target you are aiming for.

The one that most deserves to be covered in piss.

Hit the right one and you win a bonus point for your team.

Hit the wrong one and you're escorted out of here by festival security.

Melvin, who's going to play from your team?

-Wretch 32.

-Wretch 32 is ready to play!

-Hi, Wretch 32!

-How you doing?

-Are you ready to play?

-I'm ready.

-OK. Let's find out who's on-stage.

Ed Sheeran and Example.

Who are you going to throw piss all over?

SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE

I'm going to go for Example.

You're in the line of fire.

Nearly. Almost did it. The faces are all moving of Ed and Example -

they almost kissed just then. Oh!

Eurgh! Some came out on me then.

That's what I'm wondering. I've got some on my hands!

Oh!

-In the face of Ed.

-CAROLINE: He hates Ed!

No points for your team, but Ed Sheeran left with a sorry face of piss...again!

Thank you, Wretch 32!

OK, Rickie - who's going to play from your team?

-The lovely, gorgeous Miss Caroline Flack, everybody!

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Let's find out who you'll be throwing piss at this evening.

-Yeah!

-Olly Murs!

James Arthur!

Who shall I throw it at?

SHOUTING

The public are saying James.

Caroline Flack, get ready to throw piss at James Arthur!

APPLAUSE

Let's play. You're aiming for the face.

-Oh!

-Aggressive, Flacky.

Here we go. Oh, no, it's Styles!

LAUGHTER

Don't hit Harry! Oh!

No way! Hit him! No, don't hit Harry!

No way, Flacky.

Go for James Arthur! Yeah!

CHEERING

A point for your team.

Caroline Flack, everybody.

I've got wee on my hands!

-Shall we do another one, audience?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

OK, Melvin, who's going to play from your team?

It's got to be Rochelle, come on!

CHEERING

-Hi, Rochelle.

-I'm really bad at throwing, Grimmy.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

-OK, well let's find out how good you are or how terrible

you are as we get ready to play Urine The Line Of Fire.

Who's on stage this evening?

Bloomin' Marvin and Cheryl Cole!

Ooh, who are you going to aim for? She's in a rival girl band...

Oh, they're gone now! He's your husband.

-He did THIS!

-He did!

Let's get him!

-Are you going for Marvin?

-Yes, because he'll understand.

I like the conversation when you get home tonight, like...

-What did you do at work today?!

-I...

threw wee all over your face on telly.

Anyway, let's go to bed.

Let's throw some piss at Marvin, Rochelle!

Oh, look. It's Oritse.

He's been through enough. Poor Oritse. Don't get him.

I don't want to get Oritse.

Oritse, move!

He won't mind a bit of splashback, Oritse.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes, Rochelle. Boom!

-Yes!

-A point for your team!

-Yay!

Well done, teams, and thank you for playing Urine The Line of Fire.

APPLAUSE

Seann Walsh, what is it against banks that has got you sweating this week?

Right, so, no-one likes going to a bank.

It's obvious. No-one wants to be there.

The queue, people working there - you might as well be at an STI clinic.

No-one wants to be there. Right? And basically they have...

Every time you go to a bank, there's, like, 12 cashiers.

They're never all taken up. There'll be two people

with, like, sort of ten empty ones.

And you're in a queue of 15 people going,

"Come on, I don't want to be here."

Doing that sort of shuffle that you do...

Like this. You think, "Why aren't there more people working?"

There's ten options here. There should be more people working.

Then suddenly, in the background of the people that are working,

someone in a suit just strolls past for a walk.

And, to make it worse, they'll walk past

and they'll have a little whisper into the ear of the person working. They'll come in and go like that...

-It's so true!

-Oh, look at the queue!

That does my head in!

Do you have any trouble like that in the bank, Melvin, like, seeing the cashier?

"I want to pay my money in! All my money off the telly!"

OK, time now for Rickie and Melvin - The Challenges.

This is where each week

I challenge our team captains to

take their own little sweats out into the big, bad world,

out of their brains, into the world.

This week's sweat is all about when you go into a shop

and ask someone for help, then you realise...they don't work there.

And you're an arsehole.

I used to work in a shop and I'd take my namebadge off

so that people thought I was a shopper.

So I'd take my name badge off and then I'd just pick up a jumper,

so people thought I was just buying a jumper

and then I'd do laps of the shop.

And then I didn't have to do owt all day.

I - this is true. I got sacked from TK Maxx

for falling asleep under the coats.

-That's nice!

-APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you!

Rickie, you won this last week.

We had the weird gym thing. It was very, very funny - you won.

Have you got it in the bag this week?

-No idea.

-Melvin?

-Yes.

-You've won?

-I've won this one.

Let's find out. This is Rickie and Melvin - The Challenges.

Hi, guys - we're in a toilet again. This time in a glamorous shop.

This week's challenge is all about shopping and that mistake you often

make when you ask somebody in a shop for help, but they don't work there!

What I want you to do is go into that shop and get as many random

shoppers as possible to help you, even though they don't work there.

Whoever gets the most help wins a massive one point for their team.

-OK? Are you ready?

-Let's do this.

Let's do this. Not yet. I've not finished.

It's a numbers game today.

I'm looking forward to this one, it's going to be fun.

I'm going to win, easy. Come on!

Hello. I've got my receipt.

Do you do this in a kid's size? It's a bit too big for me.

I do have my receipt, so...

Oh, you don't? You don't work here?

Oh, do YOU do this...?

OK.

Hi. Can I just give you my CV? I'd love to work here.

-Like, I love working in shops and stuff.

-I don't work here.

-You don't work here?

-Where are you getting that from?

I bought the shirt for my girlfriend

and she's just said it looks disgusting.

Do you do refunds, or...?

-I'm not sure, we can ask someone.

-Like your manager, or something?

-But I don't work here.

-Oh, you don't work here? Oh, you used to, but you've left?

-No, never.

-Hello, how are you? I know you guys said...

-I don't work here.

I don't know you. Not met you before.

Sorry. OK.

I don't know how you're getting on, Melvin, but this is hard!

Ooh, another customer.

I'm sorry I'm late for my personal shop.

I want to look like Simon Cowell, just high trousers,

-a black T-shirt...

-How can I help you?

-Because they told me to come here for my personal shop.

-Yes, but...

-In the men's...

-You've got the wrong person.

-Um... Can I have a hug, then?

Shake my hand, yeah!

-High-five, then?

-Thank you, mate.

That was a backwards one! You're too cool, man.

-Do you know how this works?

-It's a toilet brush.

Excuse me, could you just pick that?

Thank you so much.

-Are you serious?

-Yeah.

Yeah, you just clean the toilet.

But how?

Use your hands, mate.

Oh, OK. All right.

APPLAUSE

Well done, Rickie and Melvin. A point each for your teams.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-I have some of your sweats here, Caroline Flack.

-Do you?

It says here that one of your sweats is small feet.

I've got really small feet.

Small sweaty feet?

No, I've got size two feet.

You're a freak!

I have the same size feet as my friend's seven-year-old son!

Oh, that's cool! Borrow his wheelies!

It's really hard to get shoes.

In JD Sports, there's three sections, adults, juniors...

-And trolls!

-LAUGHTER

Right, teams. It is time for the next round.

It's the Big, Little Question.

Last week, I asked our followers of Sweat The Small Stuff

and my Radio 1 breakfast show listeners

the biggest, little question that we have all been sweating about this week.

And this is something that's very close to my heart

and it's all about a man called Justin Bieber.

I love that little brat, I do! Caroline, do you love him as well?

-Do you like Bieber?

-What, do I fancy him?

-Yeah.

-No.

-No?

-You've met him, though, right?

-Yes. I have met him.

He came in to X Factor to do a performance and they gave him Simon Cowell's dressing room

because Simon Cowell has a completely different dressing room to everyone else.

-What's it like in there?

-It's got a bath.

-Oh!

-Have you been in Simon Cowell's bath?

-WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

-No! Have you?

So, Justin was in the dressing room

and then after he left with his huge entourage, me and Olly just decided

to go and look at the dressing room, and we found his pants.

-What? Underpants or the drop crotch trousers he likes?

-His actual pants.

-He left his pants on the floor.

-Did you smell them?

-No!

-But Olly still has them.

-No way!

Olly has Justin Bieber's pants.

My sweat is, though, about Biebs - I do like Bieber.

I think he's all right, I just think he gets a bit of a hard time.

But I think that he is the new Michael Jackson - without the weird stuff.

And I want the public to help me prove it,

so I asked the question,

"How is Justin Bieber the new Michael Jackson?"

We are looking for the top three answers

that our followers and good listeners of Radio 1 gave

to show that JB really is MJ.

You get three points for guessing the number one slot,

two points for the second and one for the third top answer.

Teams, what do we think? Why do the general public think that Justin Bieber is the new Michael Jackson?

Is it that Justin was late to his O2 gig

and Michael Jackson is still really late?

GROANS

-ROCHELLE:

-I don't like that one.

-Sorry!

Where the bloody hell is he? It's been years.

People are standing there going, "Come on!"

-I don't like that joke.

-MICHAEL JACKSON: "Eeee-hee!"

This is easy. They're both talented, they can both dance

and they're both white.

Is that correct? No!

-He's got a monkey.

-He does have a monkey.

-He had a monkey, Jacko, didn't he? Bubbles.

-Bubbles.

-Are you going for monkey?

-Yeah.

-They're saying monkey. Is it monkey?

It's the second answer!

Two points for your team over there. Any ideas over here?

They both like touching their crotch when they're dancing?

-Are you going for a dance move?

-Dance move, guys?

Let's find out if dance moves is one of the things.

It's the third answer!

One point for your team. We're still looking for the top answer.

-Gas mask?

-Gas masks?! I've never seen Michael Jackson in a gas mask.

Although, he has had stuff on his face.

Yeah, you know that whole swagger thing when you don't want to breathe in everyone else's air.

When they're like, "I want to be a famous pop star

"like Michael Jackson or Justin Bieber, but I don't want anyone to look at me."

-That does happen.

-He does cover his face.

-Covering face things.

Weird fashiony things on their face?

That is the top answer!

Three points for your team!

Now, I think there's a lot of unjust hatred of Justin Bieber

and that's because people haven't given him a proper chance.

If we all just took some time to get to learn a little more about him

than everyone could be a Belieber just like me.

So I decided to find out just how much the teams really know about

Justin Bieber as we get ready to play Justin Bieber Or Just A Beaver?

-OK, have you got your Bieber/beaver paddles ready?

-We do.

Let's see your beavers!

Let's see your Biebers! Nice.

OK, teams, I am going to give you some hard facts.

All you have to do is decide

if it's about Justin Bieber or it's just a beaver.

Last year, 6.5 million

was spent refurbishing my North American homes.

-Justin Bieber or just a beaver?

-How many homes does he own?

-I don't know!

-You're the host!

-Eh, five.

-Cool.

-You're saying Bieber.

Are you saying beaver or Bieber?

I think it could be a trick and it could be a beaver.

Like, the material is, like, wood used that beavers make.

-I don't trust Grimmy.

-You are saying?

-Beaver.

You're saying beaver.

-You're saying?

-Bieber.

-It was of course the home of Justin Bieber.

A point for Rickie's team.

Well done, Rickie. Next one. I'm often described as Canadian vermin.

Justin Bieber or just a beaver?

-Both?

-That's both, bro.

I think there's an argument for both on this one,

so we're going to go both.

It's actually Justin Bieber.

The beaver much loved by Canada. Incorrect, both teams.

Oh... Goddammit!

"I like to hold hands when I'm sleeping."

Justin Bieber or just a beaver?

-Maybe he holds Selena's hand?

-What do you reckon?

-They've got paws.

-Shall we say Bieber?

-They're saying Bieber on Melvin's team.

Rickie's team, Bieber or beaver?

Beavers don't have hands, they've got paws, so we're going to go Justin Bieber.

You're going Justin Bieber, that is incorrect.

He does not like to hold hands. It is beavers that hold hands

so they don't drift away down the river.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

-Oh, that is so cute!

-Unbelievable.

-Do they have hands?

Of course they've got hands. They hold them with each other. Next one.

This is a close-up of my hair. Am I Justin Bieber or just a beaver?

-Flack, you've met him. Is that his hair or not?

-No, it's too short.

-You're seeing a beaver. Have you ever met a beaver, Wretch?

-Never.

-No?

-He's definitely seen a beaver, this one.

-Rochelle, you're good with hair. What do you think?

-I think it's an animal.

-Are you thinking beaver?

-Yeah.

-Let's find out!

That is Justin Bieber.

-CAROLINE:

-It is his hair!

-That's his hair right there.

Next one. My penis has been measured at 4.5 centimetres in length.

Justin Bieber or just a beaver?

-What, is that that they?

-About that big.

-Let me see.

Who's going to measure either one? A beaver's or Justin Bieber's?

I feel a little bit uncomfortable knowing.

Now I can't stop my fingers from doing this position now.

Stop doing it, Rochelle! You'll get RSI.

We're going beaver.

I don't think the size of Justin's penis is on Wikipedia.

-No.

-So we wouldn't know.

-I say, just for a laugh, just say Justin Bieber.

With a penis of 4.5 centimetres,

I am of course talking about just a beaver!

Thank you for playing Justin Bieber Or Just A Beaver?

Time now for the Sweatbox,

where you get to actually help members of this very audience,

who will tell you what small thing they have been sweating about.

You teams will offer them advice.

Whoever offers the best advice will get a point for their team.

-Are you both ready?

-VARIOUS: Yes.

-Right, who's first in the Sweatbox?

-Hi, I'm Sarah.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Hi, Sarah.

What's your sweat?

I keep sleep-cheating on my boyfriend with a celebrity.

-Oh, my God. Amazing. Who?

-Grimmy.

-Oh, my God!

-What?

It's...

-Am I...

-Yeah.

-Am I...

-Yeah, you are.

-What, so you have sex with Grimmy?

-We kind of go for it.

Oh, my God! Amazing.

Is it just you two?

There's a couple of other people that appear.

-Who?

-Whoa.

-Harry appears.

-Oh, you and Harry together?

-No, we're just friends.

It's while Grimmy does his hair.

He makes me hang out with Harry while he does his hair.

I don't think this is a dream. I think this is real life.

-Is your boyfriend here?

-Yes, he is.

-Get him in the box with you!

Yeah, get your boyfriend in.

-Come on.

-He's very reluctant.

APPLAUSE

How does it feel to have such a deceitful girlfriend?

Do we have any advice for her?

I've got some advice for the boyfriend, actually.

Cos you could use this to your advantage.

If she ever catches you cheating,

you could just say, "Sorry, I was sleep-shagging!"

I'd say really take Grimmy home with you tonight,

fuck him, and then you won't dream about him any more!

APPLAUSE

No, no, it's a nightmare!

Whose advice are you going to go for?

Team Rickie or Team Melvin?

I think I'm going to go Melvin.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You win a point for your team.

Are you going to go now?

Does that have to happen now? But I'm so tired.

OK, who is next in the Sweatbox?

My name's Ryan.

What's your sweat?

Em, my sister keeps showing me her tits.

What?!

Ryan, why is she showing you her tits? Why?

She's breastfeeding, so her baby's obviously hungry,

but she was breastfeeding the other day and the baby was sleeping

and she said to me, "Come here, look, my tits are lactating."

Do you know what you can get her to do?

I used to get my friend to do this when she was breastfeeding.

Like, when we'd go to a party and we'd see a girl that we didn't like from school still,

we'd squeeze her boob and spray it all in her weave.

-Oh, my God!

-WRETCH: That's crazy.

Miquita Oliver got a right hairful of it!

So, Ryan, do you not think that she's just breastfeeding

and you just keep happening to look?

-Yes!

-She does it in public.

Me and my mates were out for a meal and she was there too

and she just whipped it out, nearly knocked a burger off the table.

-In front of my mates.

-You could just leave the room.

-I could.

-I'm just putting it out there.

I've got a bit of advice -

just stop looking at your sister breastfeeding, you creep!

Nice advice from Rickie's team over there.

Which team's advice are you going to go for?

Eh, Seann's.

That's earned Seann a point for Rickie's team!

OK, who is next in the Sweatbox?

-It's Stooshe!

-Stooshe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi, Stooshe.

-Hello.

-Whatever is your problem, pray tell?

I often get mistaken for another pop star.

-OK.

-OK.

-Can you think about who it is?

-Who's the other pop star?

-Justin Bieber?

What are you trying to say?

-I don't mind.

-No, it's another female pop star.

-Is it Jessie J?

-No.

-Emeli Sande?

-Yes!

You're mistaken for Emeli Sande!

I bet everyone thinks, "God, Emeli Sande's gangsta in real life."

"She's a badman!"

LAUGHTER

Do you ever pretend you are Emeli Sande?

Yeah, I use her name! I tell everyone, "Yeah, I'm Emeli."

"I won an award!"

My friend got deported out of Thailand once

for pretending to be Su Pollard.

LAUGHTER

Rickie's team, what would you do if you looked like Emeli Sande?

What should she do?

It depends if it annoys you or not or whether you like it.

If it annoys you, change your hair.

-If it doesn't annoy you...

-Keep your hair!

-Keep your hair.

Melvin's team, any advice?

We said do something crazy

-and then run away and pretend to be Emeli Sande!

-Good idea.

Then the police will go to Emeli Sande's house,

lock her up and then you can be Stooshe!

THEY CHEER

Come over here. That's a good one.

Whose advice are you going to go for?

Team Rickie or Team Melvin?

-Melvin!

-I don't want to change my hair, so I'll go for you.

Team Melvin! Point for your team.

You could do the maddest stuff ever.

You could take a poo on the stage right now and be like,

"It was Emeli Sande."

"Emeli Sande had a poo live on BBC Three! She's lost it!"

That was the final round! Thank you, Sweatboxers!

Thank you, Stooshe!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So that is it. I can reveal that tonight's winners are...

Melvin's team!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

A big thank you to Rickie, Caroline Flack,

Seann Walsh, Melvin, Rochelle and Wretch 32!

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff. I've been Nick Grimshaw. Good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd