Episode 2 Sweat the Small Stuff: Extra Sweaty


Episode 2

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, I'm Nick Grimshaw, and this is Sweat The Small Stuff!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

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Yes, welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

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the show that makes a big deal about the very little things in life,

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like, I don't care much about the nuclear arms situation

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and that really doesn't bother me.

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What bothers me is that I know nothing

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about Michelle Obama's arm situation.

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Have you seen her triceps? She's incredible.

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Apparently, also, politicians met this week in Washington

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to renew vows for peace between Israel and Palestine.

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-Boring.

-LAUGHTER

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Is it not more significant that Mariah Carey and her husband

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met this week to renew their vows in Disneyland?

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That's where you have a meeting.

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LAUGHTER

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I care about these things

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because the little things really are worth sweating about,

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but I can't do it alone, so let's meet our team captains.

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Yes, they're my favourite duo - after Ashleigh and Pudsey,

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Ant and Dec, Hale and Pace, Torvill and Dean, or Marks & Spencer's.

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From Kiss FM, it's Rickie Haywood-Williams and Melvin Odoom!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Hi!

-Grimmy!

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-Hi, Rickie!

-How are you?

-I'm very good, how are you?

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-I'm good, you're looking very suave today.

-I look well smart.

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-I like the little pockets...

-Do you like this?

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-A lady taught me how to do it before, should I demonstrate?

-Do it.

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Because I did it wrong. She said, "You put it on the table

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"and then you pick it up like this and you just throw it in."

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LAUGHTER

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A big week last week. You won the first ever episode

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on the first ever series of Sweat The Small Stuff.

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-I'll do it again this week.

-You think you'll win again?

-100%.

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I think you might win. You look like Pharrell tonight.

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-Ah, shut up.

-You do!

-Really?

-Me like Pharrell!

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LAUGHTER

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-Not such a big week for you though.

-No.

-Never a big week for you.

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LAUGHTER

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-My dad's here though.

-Where's your dad?

-Just over there.

-Hi, Dad!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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WHISTLING

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Who was whistling at my dad, boy? That is raunchy, you over there.

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Dad, get that number.

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LAUGHTER

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Let's meet the teams.

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On Rickie's team this evening is a TV presenter

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who is sweating it because she's currently searching

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for a new co-presenter for the Xtra Factor.

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-If Ollie doesn't do it, do you want to do it?

-No, I'm OK, thanks.

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It's Caroline Flack!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Also joining Caroline and Rickie we have an award-winning comedian

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who admits to being a bit of a binge drinker

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who can never remember a thing the next day.

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He's sweating it because he has absolutely no idea where he is

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or how he ended up here, next to Caroline Flack AGAIN.

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It's Seann Walsh!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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It's a nice team, isn't it?

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-It's a good team.

-I'm pleased with our team.

-Are you?

-Mmm.

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-It's a very nice set you've got.

-It's good, isn't it?

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They look a bit like, we thought, like sideways vaginas.

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LAUGHTER

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You have definitely never seen a vagina.

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I've never seen one.

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Over on Melvin's team, we have a soon-to-be mother

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who's sweating it because she doesn't want her child

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to follow in Marvin's footsteps and become unemployed.

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She's made it to show two, it's Rochelle from the Saturdays.

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes!

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And we have, joining those two, a grime superstar,

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who's sweating it in case I reveal his real name.

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It's Jermaine Sinclair! Sorry...

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It's Wretch 32, everybody!

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APPLAUSE

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-Rochelle, you're still with us.

-I know! I'm doing well.

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I do have some things here, just in case owt happens on the show today.

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Cos you're the most pregnant lady I've ever seen, I think.

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-Am I?

-I think in real life, yeah.

-I have two weeks to go.

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We're going to have to start carving a bit out.

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It's wipe-clean, this floor.

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-If your waters break it's fine.

-Right.

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-Have you got a mop?

-No, I don't have a mop.

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I've got gas and air.

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I've also got, what else have I got? Hot towels.

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-Right?

-Not warm, but we'll warm them up later.

-OK, perfect.

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We've got a plunger, not sure if we need that.

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What's that for? Oh, my goodness!

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This is a big 'un.

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Don't they use them, though?

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Isn't that not why I've got a funny-shaped head?

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-I've only got two weeks left, you're scaring me.

-Well, that's for you.

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And also I've got you this because this is quite important.

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This is something I actually learnt about this week.

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I never knew this existed. This is a breast pump thing.

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No, but I didn't know that that happened. I thought that you just put it in the baby's mouth.

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But when the baby's having a nap, you have to put your tit in that.

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-You could have got me an electric one.

-Like a cow has?

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Yeah!

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That's what the other members of JLS can do now they're out of work.

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Milk Rochelle.

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There is something so wrong about that.

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Something for Oritse to do of an afternoon.

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That is... Oh, no! Don't!

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Seann Walsh, what is making you sweat all of this week?

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It says here, "Returning missed calls".

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Returning missed calls, this has always annoyed me. What happens,

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someone calls you, your mate calls you, you miss the call,

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-you call him, he misses your call.

-I hate that.

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This keeps on happening, all day.

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Then he calls you, you JUST miss the call, JUST,

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just miss the call, call straight back,

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he doesn't answer. Where the fuck have you gone?

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LAUGHTER What's going on?

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APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

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There's not been enough time

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for him to put the phone back in his pocket.

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You call back straight away.

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All that could've happened here is you've not answered

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and he's gone, "Fuck him!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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OK, it's time for round one. Are you ready, teams?

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ALL: Yes!

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Yeah! As you know, Sweat The Small Stuff

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is all about the little things in life.

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When it comes to the news, we don't care about the big stories,

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I am much more interested in stuff like this.

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Here is a teeny, tiny news story that we found

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that says the average Briton has slept with eight people.

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Melvin, how many do you think is TOO many?

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The maximum I'd go for is 40.

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-Melvin!

-You would have a lady that had had sex with 40 men?

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Let's say if you really loved her...

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-Yes, but if she's had 41, it's a no-go area.

-Yes.

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-A strict cut-off point.

-40 is me maximum.

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-So different for men and women.

-Isn't it? Thank you!

-Girl power!

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WOMEN WHOOP AND CHEER

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LAUGHTER

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Teams, do you think that you can tell just by looking at someone

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if they have slept with more than eight people?

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-Yes.

-Yes?

-No!

-We have decided to put this to the test.

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We rounded up some people on the street and asked them,

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"Have you slept with more than eight people?"

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The way this is going to work, we will see the person swear on...

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-this.

-MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

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The quiff of me!

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We made them swear on this to tell the absolute truth

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and all you have to do is decide if they are indeed a little bit slutty.

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We start with your team, Rickie -

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let's have the first potential perv, please.

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Hi, my name is Chris

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and I swear on the quiff of Grimmy to tell the absolute truth.

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Have you slept with more than eight people?

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Whoa!

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-What do we think?

-I don't think he has.

-No? Why don't you think that?

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-Because I think he looks a little bit shy.

-Do you think?

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-He's got purple hair, Caroline!

-But that's to cover up his shyness.

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-I think he's a little bit nervous.

-Seann, what do you think?

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Um, I think...

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There will be a girl and she'll have the same hair as him

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and definitely, yes.

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-So we're going yes?

-You're going for yes. Let's find out!

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No, I'm a bit of a loser in that sense. I've been with...

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Hmmm. Five!

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So, you know... Not too bad.

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ALL: Awww!

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APPLAUSE

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One for Melvin's team, please.

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Hi, I'm Marilyn and I swear on the quiff of Grimmy that I'm going

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to tell the absolute truth.

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Have you slept with more than eight people?

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-Hm, has she?

-Oh, I don't know.

-Or hasn't she?

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-What do you think in the audience?

-Yes!

-No!

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I don't know.

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-She's too angelic-looking. She looks too homely.

-Yes, I don't think so.

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Exactly - is that her decoy?

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Maybe she's a sex disguise woman!

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-LAUGHTER

-We're going to say no.

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You're saying no, she has not slept with more than eight people -

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-let's find out, has she?

-I have not slept with eight people.

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I've slept with two people. Three people! I forgot a person!

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APPLAUSE

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-Five people! Six people! Seven!

-How many has she forgotten?

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Someone's sitting at home crying!

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Back to Rickie's team.

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For you - is this person slutty or not?

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Hi, my name is Kevin.

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I swear on the quiff of...Grimmy

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I'll tell the absolute truth.

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Have you slept with more than eight people?

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100% yes.

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I think he looks like he's been married

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since he was really young.

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He's probably been with the same woman all his life.

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-Only slept with one.

-Flack is saying one.

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-He looks like absolute filth!

-Look at his face!

-So you're saying yes?

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-Absolutely filthy, yes!

-OK! Let's find out if he's filthy!

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-Yes.

-How many?

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Couldn't tell ya!

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APPLAUSE

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What a legend! Back to you, Melvin's team! Next one for you.

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OK.

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Hi, my name is Eryn

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and I swear to tell the absolute truth on the quiff of Grimmy.

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Have you slept with more than eight people?

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-ROCHELLE:

-Yes.

-MELVIN: No fucking way!

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No, he has. He has cos he did this, like...

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"Do you swear?" Then he just sort of just went...

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Yeah, look away's a good sign.

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The eye shift. He can't look her in the eye.

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-Melvin and Wretch?

-You're saying yes? What are we saying?

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He's going to say yes.

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-But he's still a liar?

-But I think no.

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-So, we're saying yes then?

-Say yes, yeah.

-Let's find out!

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No.

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HE LAUGHS No, I haven't.

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Yes, he has! He's lying!

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He's lying! I don't like that.

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He's lied to somebody, hasn't he? It's just you.

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Rickie's team, next one.

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Hi, my name's Zoe and on the quiff of Grimmy,

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I swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

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Have you slept with more than eight people?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

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Right! What do you reckon, guys? Yes?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

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The audience say yes.

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-We're going to go yeah.

-You're going yes. Let's find out!

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If my parents hear this... Yes, yes I have.

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I like that she wants her parents to know.

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"If my parents are watching, then yes. Screw you, Mum!"

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Melvin's team, this is one for you.

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Have they done it with more or less than eight people?

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Hi, my name is Felipo and on the quiff of Grimmy,

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I swear to tell the truth.

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Have you slept with more than eight people?

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-ROCHELLE: Yes! MELVIN:

-Felipo! Felipo!

-Audience are saying yes!

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Like, before he even spoke. "I've done him. I've had him.

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-"I'm doing him now."

-The guys sounds sexy.

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He did a little recall as well. He was like... "Yeah!"

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-Yeah, definitely. Who HASN'T he slept with is the question.

-OK.

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Let's find out, they're saying yes.

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At the same time?

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WHOOPING AND LAUGHING

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Separately, yes. At the same time, no.

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But it could be something to add on the list.

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It only registers...

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I threw something his way.

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-What a don.

-Thank you for playing On The Quiff Of Grimmy!

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APPLAUSE

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It says here, Wretch 32,

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that you have been sweating about a wonderful cereal called Sugar Puffs.

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-Nah - my issue is the milk has always gone off in my house.

-OK...

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Somebody said yeah - you know about this? Or you live with me?

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LAUGHTER

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That's your milkman.

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Yes, so I run down the stairs,

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I'm excited about a bowl of Sugar Puffs, pour the milk in...

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You're half asleep, so you don't check, you're going for the spoon,

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-and you don't have milk, you have yoghurt. So, yeah...

-Eurgh!

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Don't you eat weird stuff? Don't you eat weird things, like...beige?

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-I have plain bagels, just plain.

-No butter?

-No butter.

-Plain bagels.

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Because I heard the diet of Wretch 32 is chips, bagels, Sugar Puffs.

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-And gone-off milk.

-And gone-off milk.

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I can relate to you. This is how lazy I am.

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When I was at home, cooking fish fingers, chips and beans...

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-Oh, I love that meal!

-Ladies!

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LAUGHTER

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-I do!

-It's quality, right?

-I love that!

-Come round, we'll eat! So...

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I had a pack of fish fingers in my left hand,

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and a bag of chips in my right.

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The temperature and the timing on the fish fingers matched

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the temperature and the timing on the chips,

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and I was on my own, and I went, "Get in!

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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OK. It's time for Round Two.

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I'm going to give both teams a clue as to one of my own personal sweats

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and this one is one

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that I'm genuinely really worried about sharing with you all.

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Because it's something I probably shouldn't admit on national TV.

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Is it that you prefer listening to Kiss breakfast?

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LAUGHTER

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That's absolutely correct!

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-It's a good show!

-It's a good show. Tut.

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Is it that you really wanted to be friends with Niall from One Direction,

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and that's why you started being friends with Harry?

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That's what's going on.

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And now you can't get rid of Harry!

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He's a mere stepping stone to the Irish great one!

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LAUGHTER

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-OK, shall I give you a clue?

-Yes.

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OK, teams - what is it about THIS that I've been sweating about?

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# Daddy, I've fallen for a monster. #

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OK.

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APPLAUSE

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That's Stooshe.

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Off of the pop charts.

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But what is it about that that has got me sweating?

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I don't know, but I like them!

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-They're good, innit?!

-Is it three sexy ladies?

-Yes, I HATE WOMEN!

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-Girl bands?

-Not girl bands.

-Harmonies?

-Not harmonies.

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-Do you want another clue?

-People singing.

-Another clue.

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OK.

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# Why did you let it slip

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# Slip

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# Give me that TLC

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# Back to me

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# You put your mind back on it

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# Do it like I want it

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# That's how it used to be

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# Why did you let it slip? #

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-MELVIN:

-Whoo!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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-Any other ideas?

-People singing behind you?

-Close!

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-You don't like people singing live?

-Boom, Rochelle!

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I do not like people singing near me,

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and I hate the fact that I'm a radio DJ who absolutely hates live music!

0:16:010:16:05

A point for Melvin's team!

0:16:060:16:09

CHEERING

0:16:090:16:11

Does anyone else hate live music?

0:16:130:16:15

-I love Wretch 32's face - "No, it is my living!"

-I'm in shock!

0:16:150:16:19

-No, I don't like it.

-I can never see at gigs. I'm too small.

0:16:190:16:23

Is it quite hard when you go to a gig and you can't see

0:16:230:16:25

the band to pick which one you want as your next boyfriend?

0:16:250:16:28

ALL: Ohhhh!

0:16:280:16:30

-Oi!

-That's nice!

-Oi!

0:16:300:16:32

Oi, leave her alone!

0:16:320:16:33

I hate gigs, they suck. People touching me...

0:16:350:16:38

I have to be quiet for, like, an hour and a half...

0:16:380:16:41

You don't like going to gigs?

0:16:410:16:43

No, because it's too long and I think it's

0:16:430:16:45

because I can't sit down and be quiet for two hours.

0:16:450:16:47

Also, people frown when I use my phone.

0:16:470:16:49

LAUGHTER

0:16:490:16:50

I've seen you in action at a festival...

0:16:500:16:53

See, a festival is all right, because there's other distractions.

0:16:530:16:57

However, my worst thing at a festival,

0:16:570:16:59

almost as bad as live music is the festival fashion.

0:16:590:17:02

It drives me crazy.

0:17:020:17:03

You know, when people dress different because they're

0:17:030:17:06

going to a festival, so they wear normal clothes all the time and then

0:17:060:17:10

they go to a festival and then they dress like they're on acid in 1969.

0:17:100:17:14

The worst is when people save the bracelets, the wristbands.

0:17:140:17:18

"Oh, I went to Glastonbury, I went to Reading, I went to Latitude..."

0:17:180:17:22

I went to..." I couldn't give a shit, mate!

0:17:220:17:25

I've been to loads of places,

0:17:250:17:27

I don't carry around my airport tickets, there you go -

0:17:270:17:30

I went to Paris, Amsterdam, Barcelona...

0:17:300:17:33

Oh, there's a token from Alton Towers! Look!

0:17:330:17:36

APPLAUSE

0:17:360:17:39

I think the downside is though, a festival is fun and everything,

0:17:420:17:46

I like 'em, but the downside is the best place to watch bands is

0:17:460:17:49

also the worst place, the most dangerous.

0:17:490:17:52

There's a mosh pit, people throwing bottles of piss,

0:17:520:17:56

and you can get piss on you.

0:17:560:17:57

Has it ever happened to you, Wretch? Have you ever had anything thrown on you on-stage or owt?

0:17:570:18:02

-Em, not piss. I've had bras.

-Yeah!

0:18:020:18:05

What do you do with them? Do you keep them and gift them to aunties?

0:18:050:18:08

-I kind of just throw it back off the stage.

-"Clear off!"

0:18:080:18:12

-Do they bring bras or take them off to throw them?

-I think they take it off.

0:18:120:18:15

I've actually seen a woman do it.

0:18:150:18:17

Like, I'm performing and she's just so excited and...

0:18:170:18:21

Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm really enjoying this show. I'm going to take my bra off.

0:18:210:18:25

Have you ever had anything thrown on at you, Rochelle?

0:18:250:18:28

Um, probably, but I just choose to ignore it.

0:18:280:18:31

I'm still going to perform, whether you like it or not!

0:18:310:18:34

I'm enjoying myself and having a whale of a time. Throw the piss!

0:18:340:18:37

LAUGHTER

0:18:370:18:39

Don't do that as an opening monologue. "You know what?

0:18:390:18:41

"You want to throw piss at me..."

0:18:410:18:44

You know what, though - I don't always think it's pee.

0:18:440:18:47

It's probably beer.

0:18:470:18:48

How do you know?

0:18:480:18:50

You've got to do a little reach-around next time, like...

0:18:500:18:52

Oh!

0:18:520:18:54

Yes, stranger's piss in my mouth.

0:18:540:18:56

Which leads us on to our next game,

0:18:560:18:58

the wonderfully titled Urine The Line of Fire.

0:18:580:19:02

CHEERING

0:19:020:19:04

Here we are then at my favourite festival, Wee In The Park.

0:19:080:19:11

It's a tiny Festival, perfect for Melvin!

0:19:110:19:15

The gag is he's short!

0:19:150:19:18

Teams, the way this is going to work, you're going to have

0:19:180:19:21

some bottles of fresh urine to throw at a musical target.

0:19:210:19:24

Two musical stars will pop up over there on the stage

0:19:240:19:27

and you have to decide which target you are aiming for.

0:19:270:19:30

The one that most deserves to be covered in piss.

0:19:300:19:34

Hit the right one and you win a bonus point for your team.

0:19:340:19:36

Hit the wrong one and you're escorted out of here by festival security.

0:19:360:19:39

Melvin, who's going to play from your team?

0:19:390:19:42

-Wretch 32.

-Wretch 32 is ready to play!

0:19:420:19:46

-Hi, Wretch 32!

-How you doing?

-Are you ready to play?

0:19:500:19:52

-I'm ready.

-OK. Let's find out who's on-stage.

0:19:520:19:57

Ed Sheeran and Example.

0:19:570:20:00

Who are you going to throw piss all over?

0:20:000:20:02

SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE

0:20:020:20:05

I'm going to go for Example.

0:20:080:20:11

You're in the line of fire.

0:20:110:20:13

Nearly. Almost did it. The faces are all moving of Ed and Example -

0:20:130:20:18

they almost kissed just then. Oh!

0:20:180:20:20

Eurgh! Some came out on me then.

0:20:200:20:22

That's what I'm wondering. I've got some on my hands!

0:20:220:20:25

Oh!

0:20:250:20:27

-In the face of Ed.

-CAROLINE: He hates Ed!

0:20:270:20:29

No points for your team, but Ed Sheeran left with a sorry face of piss...again!

0:20:290:20:34

Thank you, Wretch 32!

0:20:340:20:37

OK, Rickie - who's going to play from your team?

0:20:410:20:43

-The lovely, gorgeous Miss Caroline Flack, everybody!

-Yeah!

0:20:430:20:47

APPLAUSE

0:20:470:20:49

Let's find out who you'll be throwing piss at this evening.

0:20:520:20:55

-Yeah!

-Olly Murs!

0:20:550:20:58

James Arthur!

0:20:580:21:00

Who shall I throw it at?

0:21:000:21:01

SHOUTING

0:21:010:21:02

The public are saying James.

0:21:020:21:04

Caroline Flack, get ready to throw piss at James Arthur!

0:21:040:21:08

APPLAUSE

0:21:080:21:11

Let's play. You're aiming for the face.

0:21:110:21:15

-Oh!

-Aggressive, Flacky.

0:21:150:21:17

Here we go. Oh, no, it's Styles!

0:21:170:21:19

LAUGHTER

0:21:190:21:22

Don't hit Harry! Oh!

0:21:230:21:26

No way! Hit him! No, don't hit Harry!

0:21:260:21:29

No way, Flacky.

0:21:290:21:31

Go for James Arthur! Yeah!

0:21:310:21:34

CHEERING

0:21:340:21:36

A point for your team.

0:21:370:21:39

Caroline Flack, everybody.

0:21:390:21:42

I've got wee on my hands!

0:21:420:21:44

-Shall we do another one, audience?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

0:21:440:21:48

OK, Melvin, who's going to play from your team?

0:21:480:21:51

It's got to be Rochelle, come on!

0:21:510:21:53

CHEERING

0:21:530:21:55

-Hi, Rochelle.

-I'm really bad at throwing, Grimmy.

-Are you?

0:22:020:22:05

-Yeah.

-OK, well let's find out how good you are or how terrible

0:22:050:22:08

you are as we get ready to play Urine The Line Of Fire.

0:22:080:22:10

Who's on stage this evening?

0:22:100:22:12

Bloomin' Marvin and Cheryl Cole!

0:22:120:22:15

Ooh, who are you going to aim for? She's in a rival girl band...

0:22:160:22:19

Oh, they're gone now! He's your husband.

0:22:190:22:21

-He did THIS!

-He did!

0:22:210:22:24

Let's get him!

0:22:240:22:26

-Are you going for Marvin?

-Yes, because he'll understand.

0:22:270:22:31

I like the conversation when you get home tonight, like...

0:22:310:22:34

-What did you do at work today?!

-I...

0:22:340:22:37

threw wee all over your face on telly.

0:22:370:22:40

Anyway, let's go to bed.

0:22:400:22:43

Let's throw some piss at Marvin, Rochelle!

0:22:430:22:47

Oh, look. It's Oritse.

0:22:470:22:50

He's been through enough. Poor Oritse. Don't get him.

0:22:500:22:53

I don't want to get Oritse.

0:22:530:22:56

Oritse, move!

0:22:570:22:59

He won't mind a bit of splashback, Oritse.

0:23:000:23:03

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:030:23:05

-Yes, Rochelle. Boom!

-Yes!

0:23:050:23:07

-A point for your team!

-Yay!

0:23:070:23:10

Well done, teams, and thank you for playing Urine The Line of Fire.

0:23:120:23:16

APPLAUSE

0:23:160:23:17

Seann Walsh, what is it against banks that has got you sweating this week?

0:23:210:23:25

Right, so, no-one likes going to a bank.

0:23:250:23:28

It's obvious. No-one wants to be there.

0:23:280:23:31

The queue, people working there - you might as well be at an STI clinic.

0:23:310:23:35

No-one wants to be there. Right? And basically they have...

0:23:350:23:38

Every time you go to a bank, there's, like, 12 cashiers.

0:23:380:23:41

They're never all taken up. There'll be two people

0:23:410:23:44

with, like, sort of ten empty ones.

0:23:440:23:46

And you're in a queue of 15 people going,

0:23:460:23:49

"Come on, I don't want to be here."

0:23:490:23:50

Doing that sort of shuffle that you do...

0:23:500:23:55

Like this. You think, "Why aren't there more people working?"

0:23:550:23:58

There's ten options here. There should be more people working.

0:23:580:24:00

Then suddenly, in the background of the people that are working,

0:24:000:24:04

someone in a suit just strolls past for a walk.

0:24:040:24:08

And, to make it worse, they'll walk past

0:24:130:24:15

and they'll have a little whisper into the ear of the person working. They'll come in and go like that...

0:24:150:24:20

-It's so true!

-Oh, look at the queue!

0:24:240:24:27

That does my head in!

0:24:300:24:32

Do you have any trouble like that in the bank, Melvin, like, seeing the cashier?

0:24:320:24:37

"I want to pay my money in! All my money off the telly!"

0:24:400:24:45

OK, time now for Rickie and Melvin - The Challenges.

0:24:470:24:51

This is where each week

0:24:510:24:52

I challenge our team captains to

0:24:520:24:54

take their own little sweats out into the big, bad world,

0:24:540:24:57

out of their brains, into the world.

0:24:570:24:58

This week's sweat is all about when you go into a shop

0:24:580:25:01

and ask someone for help, then you realise...they don't work there.

0:25:010:25:05

And you're an arsehole.

0:25:050:25:07

I used to work in a shop and I'd take my namebadge off

0:25:070:25:12

so that people thought I was a shopper.

0:25:120:25:14

So I'd take my name badge off and then I'd just pick up a jumper,

0:25:140:25:18

so people thought I was just buying a jumper

0:25:180:25:21

and then I'd do laps of the shop.

0:25:210:25:23

And then I didn't have to do owt all day.

0:25:230:25:25

I - this is true. I got sacked from TK Maxx

0:25:250:25:28

for falling asleep under the coats.

0:25:280:25:31

-That's nice!

-APPLAUSE

0:25:340:25:36

Oh, thank you!

0:25:360:25:39

Rickie, you won this last week.

0:25:390:25:40

We had the weird gym thing. It was very, very funny - you won.

0:25:400:25:43

Have you got it in the bag this week?

0:25:430:25:45

-No idea.

-Melvin?

-Yes.

-You've won?

-I've won this one.

0:25:450:25:49

Let's find out. This is Rickie and Melvin - The Challenges.

0:25:490:25:53

Hi, guys - we're in a toilet again. This time in a glamorous shop.

0:25:560:26:00

This week's challenge is all about shopping and that mistake you often

0:26:000:26:04

make when you ask somebody in a shop for help, but they don't work there!

0:26:040:26:07

What I want you to do is go into that shop and get as many random

0:26:070:26:10

shoppers as possible to help you, even though they don't work there.

0:26:100:26:14

Whoever gets the most help wins a massive one point for their team.

0:26:140:26:19

-OK? Are you ready?

-Let's do this.

0:26:190:26:22

Let's do this. Not yet. I've not finished.

0:26:220:26:25

It's a numbers game today.

0:26:340:26:36

I'm looking forward to this one, it's going to be fun.

0:26:360:26:38

I'm going to win, easy. Come on!

0:26:410:26:44

Hello. I've got my receipt.

0:26:440:26:46

Do you do this in a kid's size? It's a bit too big for me.

0:26:460:26:50

I do have my receipt, so...

0:26:510:26:52

Oh, you don't? You don't work here?

0:26:530:26:55

Oh, do YOU do this...?

0:26:550:26:58

OK.

0:26:580:26:59

Hi. Can I just give you my CV? I'd love to work here.

0:27:000:27:03

-Like, I love working in shops and stuff.

-I don't work here.

0:27:030:27:07

-You don't work here?

-Where are you getting that from?

0:27:070:27:09

I bought the shirt for my girlfriend

0:27:090:27:11

and she's just said it looks disgusting.

0:27:110:27:13

Do you do refunds, or...?

0:27:130:27:15

-I'm not sure, we can ask someone.

-Like your manager, or something?

0:27:150:27:19

-But I don't work here.

-Oh, you don't work here? Oh, you used to, but you've left?

-No, never.

0:27:190:27:24

-Hello, how are you? I know you guys said...

-I don't work here.

0:27:240:27:27

I don't know you. Not met you before.

0:27:270:27:30

Sorry. OK.

0:27:300:27:31

I don't know how you're getting on, Melvin, but this is hard!

0:27:340:27:37

Ooh, another customer.

0:27:380:27:40

I'm sorry I'm late for my personal shop.

0:27:400:27:43

I want to look like Simon Cowell, just high trousers,

0:27:430:27:47

-a black T-shirt...

-How can I help you?

0:27:470:27:50

-Because they told me to come here for my personal shop.

-Yes, but...

0:27:500:27:53

-In the men's...

-You've got the wrong person.

-Um... Can I have a hug, then?

0:27:530:27:59

Shake my hand, yeah!

0:27:590:28:00

-High-five, then?

-Thank you, mate.

0:28:000:28:03

That was a backwards one! You're too cool, man.

0:28:030:28:06

-Do you know how this works?

-It's a toilet brush.

0:28:070:28:09

Excuse me, could you just pick that?

0:28:110:28:13

Thank you so much.

0:28:150:28:17

-Are you serious?

-Yeah.

0:28:190:28:20

Yeah, you just clean the toilet.

0:28:200:28:22

But how?

0:28:220:28:23

Use your hands, mate.

0:28:230:28:25

Oh, OK. All right.

0:28:250:28:27

APPLAUSE

0:28:290:28:32

Well done, Rickie and Melvin. A point each for your teams.

0:28:380:28:43

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:430:28:45

-I have some of your sweats here, Caroline Flack.

-Do you?

0:28:460:28:49

It says here that one of your sweats is small feet.

0:28:490:28:51

I've got really small feet.

0:28:510:28:53

Small sweaty feet?

0:28:530:28:54

No, I've got size two feet.

0:28:540:28:58

You're a freak!

0:28:590:29:01

I have the same size feet as my friend's seven-year-old son!

0:29:020:29:05

Oh, that's cool! Borrow his wheelies!

0:29:050:29:08

It's really hard to get shoes.

0:29:080:29:09

In JD Sports, there's three sections, adults, juniors...

0:29:090:29:13

-And trolls!

-LAUGHTER

0:29:130:29:16

Right, teams. It is time for the next round.

0:29:170:29:20

It's the Big, Little Question.

0:29:200:29:22

Last week, I asked our followers of Sweat The Small Stuff

0:29:220:29:24

and my Radio 1 breakfast show listeners

0:29:240:29:26

the biggest, little question that we have all been sweating about this week.

0:29:260:29:30

And this is something that's very close to my heart

0:29:300:29:32

and it's all about a man called Justin Bieber.

0:29:320:29:35

I love that little brat, I do! Caroline, do you love him as well?

0:29:350:29:39

-Do you like Bieber?

-What, do I fancy him?

-Yeah.

-No.

-No?

0:29:390:29:43

-You've met him, though, right?

-Yes. I have met him.

0:29:430:29:47

He came in to X Factor to do a performance and they gave him Simon Cowell's dressing room

0:29:470:29:51

because Simon Cowell has a completely different dressing room to everyone else.

0:29:510:29:54

-What's it like in there?

-It's got a bath.

-Oh!

0:29:540:29:57

-Have you been in Simon Cowell's bath?

-WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

-No! Have you?

0:29:570:30:02

So, Justin was in the dressing room

0:30:020:30:04

and then after he left with his huge entourage, me and Olly just decided

0:30:040:30:08

to go and look at the dressing room, and we found his pants.

0:30:080:30:11

-What? Underpants or the drop crotch trousers he likes?

-His actual pants.

0:30:110:30:15

-He left his pants on the floor.

-Did you smell them?

-No!

0:30:150:30:18

-But Olly still has them.

-No way!

0:30:180:30:22

Olly has Justin Bieber's pants.

0:30:220:30:26

My sweat is, though, about Biebs - I do like Bieber.

0:30:260:30:29

I think he's all right, I just think he gets a bit of a hard time.

0:30:290:30:32

But I think that he is the new Michael Jackson - without the weird stuff.

0:30:320:30:36

And I want the public to help me prove it,

0:30:360:30:38

so I asked the question,

0:30:380:30:39

"How is Justin Bieber the new Michael Jackson?"

0:30:390:30:42

We are looking for the top three answers

0:30:420:30:45

that our followers and good listeners of Radio 1 gave

0:30:450:30:49

to show that JB really is MJ.

0:30:490:30:51

You get three points for guessing the number one slot,

0:30:510:30:54

two points for the second and one for the third top answer.

0:30:540:30:57

Teams, what do we think? Why do the general public think that Justin Bieber is the new Michael Jackson?

0:30:570:31:01

Is it that Justin was late to his O2 gig

0:31:010:31:04

and Michael Jackson is still really late?

0:31:040:31:06

GROANS

0:31:060:31:10

-ROCHELLE:

-I don't like that one.

-Sorry!

0:31:100:31:12

Where the bloody hell is he? It's been years.

0:31:120:31:15

People are standing there going, "Come on!"

0:31:150:31:20

-I don't like that joke.

-MICHAEL JACKSON: "Eeee-hee!"

0:31:200:31:23

This is easy. They're both talented, they can both dance

0:31:230:31:26

and they're both white.

0:31:260:31:30

Is that correct? No!

0:31:300:31:33

-He's got a monkey.

-He does have a monkey.

0:31:330:31:37

-He had a monkey, Jacko, didn't he? Bubbles.

-Bubbles.

0:31:370:31:41

-Are you going for monkey?

-Yeah.

-They're saying monkey. Is it monkey?

0:31:410:31:44

It's the second answer!

0:31:440:31:46

Two points for your team over there. Any ideas over here?

0:31:510:31:54

They both like touching their crotch when they're dancing?

0:31:540:31:56

-Are you going for a dance move?

-Dance move, guys?

0:31:560:31:59

Let's find out if dance moves is one of the things.

0:31:590:32:01

It's the third answer!

0:32:010:32:04

One point for your team. We're still looking for the top answer.

0:32:040:32:08

-Gas mask?

-Gas masks?! I've never seen Michael Jackson in a gas mask.

0:32:080:32:13

Although, he has had stuff on his face.

0:32:130:32:16

Yeah, you know that whole swagger thing when you don't want to breathe in everyone else's air.

0:32:160:32:20

When they're like, "I want to be a famous pop star

0:32:200:32:22

"like Michael Jackson or Justin Bieber, but I don't want anyone to look at me."

0:32:220:32:25

-That does happen.

-He does cover his face.

-Covering face things.

0:32:250:32:30

Weird fashiony things on their face?

0:32:300:32:33

That is the top answer!

0:32:330:32:35

Three points for your team!

0:32:350:32:37

Now, I think there's a lot of unjust hatred of Justin Bieber

0:32:390:32:43

and that's because people haven't given him a proper chance.

0:32:430:32:45

If we all just took some time to get to learn a little more about him

0:32:450:32:48

than everyone could be a Belieber just like me.

0:32:480:32:52

So I decided to find out just how much the teams really know about

0:32:520:32:56

Justin Bieber as we get ready to play Justin Bieber Or Just A Beaver?

0:32:560:33:01

-OK, have you got your Bieber/beaver paddles ready?

-We do.

0:33:060:33:10

Let's see your beavers!

0:33:100:33:13

Let's see your Biebers! Nice.

0:33:130:33:17

OK, teams, I am going to give you some hard facts.

0:33:170:33:20

All you have to do is decide

0:33:200:33:22

if it's about Justin Bieber or it's just a beaver.

0:33:220:33:26

Last year, 6.5 million

0:33:260:33:28

was spent refurbishing my North American homes.

0:33:280:33:31

-Justin Bieber or just a beaver?

-How many homes does he own?

0:33:310:33:35

-I don't know!

-You're the host!

-Eh, five.

-Cool.

-You're saying Bieber.

0:33:350:33:40

Are you saying beaver or Bieber?

0:33:400:33:42

I think it could be a trick and it could be a beaver.

0:33:420:33:45

Like, the material is, like, wood used that beavers make.

0:33:450:33:50

-I don't trust Grimmy.

-You are saying?

-Beaver.

0:33:500:33:53

You're saying beaver.

0:33:530:33:54

-You're saying?

-Bieber.

-It was of course the home of Justin Bieber.

0:33:540:33:58

A point for Rickie's team.

0:33:580:34:01

Well done, Rickie. Next one. I'm often described as Canadian vermin.

0:34:030:34:07

Justin Bieber or just a beaver?

0:34:070:34:11

-Both?

-That's both, bro.

0:34:110:34:15

I think there's an argument for both on this one,

0:34:150:34:18

so we're going to go both.

0:34:180:34:20

It's actually Justin Bieber.

0:34:200:34:21

The beaver much loved by Canada. Incorrect, both teams.

0:34:210:34:25

Oh... Goddammit!

0:34:250:34:28

"I like to hold hands when I'm sleeping."

0:34:280:34:31

Justin Bieber or just a beaver?

0:34:310:34:33

-Maybe he holds Selena's hand?

-What do you reckon?

-They've got paws.

0:34:330:34:37

-Shall we say Bieber?

-They're saying Bieber on Melvin's team.

0:34:370:34:40

Rickie's team, Bieber or beaver?

0:34:400:34:42

Beavers don't have hands, they've got paws, so we're going to go Justin Bieber.

0:34:420:34:46

You're going Justin Bieber, that is incorrect.

0:34:460:34:48

He does not like to hold hands. It is beavers that hold hands

0:34:480:34:51

so they don't drift away down the river.

0:34:510:34:53

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

0:34:530:34:55

-Oh, that is so cute!

-Unbelievable.

-Do they have hands?

0:34:550:34:58

Of course they've got hands. They hold them with each other. Next one.

0:34:580:35:03

This is a close-up of my hair. Am I Justin Bieber or just a beaver?

0:35:030:35:07

-Flack, you've met him. Is that his hair or not?

-No, it's too short.

0:35:070:35:12

-You're seeing a beaver. Have you ever met a beaver, Wretch?

-Never.

0:35:120:35:15

-No?

-He's definitely seen a beaver, this one.

0:35:150:35:20

-Rochelle, you're good with hair. What do you think?

-I think it's an animal.

0:35:200:35:25

-Are you thinking beaver?

-Yeah.

-Let's find out!

0:35:250:35:28

That is Justin Bieber.

0:35:280:35:30

-CAROLINE:

-It is his hair!

-That's his hair right there.

0:35:300:35:33

Next one. My penis has been measured at 4.5 centimetres in length.

0:35:330:35:38

Justin Bieber or just a beaver?

0:35:380:35:40

-What, is that that they?

-About that big.

-Let me see.

0:35:420:35:46

Who's going to measure either one? A beaver's or Justin Bieber's?

0:35:490:35:51

I feel a little bit uncomfortable knowing.

0:35:510:35:54

Now I can't stop my fingers from doing this position now.

0:35:540:35:57

Stop doing it, Rochelle! You'll get RSI.

0:35:570:36:00

We're going beaver.

0:36:000:36:03

I don't think the size of Justin's penis is on Wikipedia.

0:36:030:36:06

-No.

-So we wouldn't know.

-I say, just for a laugh, just say Justin Bieber.

0:36:060:36:11

With a penis of 4.5 centimetres,

0:36:110:36:13

I am of course talking about just a beaver!

0:36:130:36:16

Thank you for playing Justin Bieber Or Just A Beaver?

0:36:190:36:22

Time now for the Sweatbox,

0:36:290:36:31

where you get to actually help members of this very audience,

0:36:310:36:35

who will tell you what small thing they have been sweating about.

0:36:350:36:38

You teams will offer them advice.

0:36:380:36:39

Whoever offers the best advice will get a point for their team.

0:36:390:36:42

-Are you both ready?

-VARIOUS: Yes.

0:36:420:36:45

-Right, who's first in the Sweatbox?

-Hi, I'm Sarah.

0:36:450:36:48

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Hi, Sarah.

0:36:480:36:50

What's your sweat?

0:36:500:36:51

I keep sleep-cheating on my boyfriend with a celebrity.

0:36:510:36:55

-Oh, my God. Amazing. Who?

-Grimmy.

0:36:550:36:57

-Oh, my God!

-What?

0:36:570:36:59

It's...

0:36:590:37:00

-Am I...

-Yeah.

0:37:000:37:02

-Am I...

-Yeah, you are.

0:37:020:37:04

-What, so you have sex with Grimmy?

-We kind of go for it.

0:37:050:37:09

Oh, my God! Amazing.

0:37:090:37:11

Is it just you two?

0:37:130:37:14

There's a couple of other people that appear.

0:37:140:37:16

-Who?

-Whoa.

-Harry appears.

0:37:160:37:19

-Oh, you and Harry together?

-No, we're just friends.

0:37:190:37:22

It's while Grimmy does his hair.

0:37:220:37:23

He makes me hang out with Harry while he does his hair.

0:37:230:37:26

I don't think this is a dream. I think this is real life.

0:37:280:37:31

-Is your boyfriend here?

-Yes, he is.

-Get him in the box with you!

0:37:310:37:35

Yeah, get your boyfriend in.

0:37:350:37:37

-Come on.

-He's very reluctant.

0:37:370:37:40

APPLAUSE

0:37:400:37:43

How does it feel to have such a deceitful girlfriend?

0:37:430:37:46

Do we have any advice for her?

0:37:480:37:49

I've got some advice for the boyfriend, actually.

0:37:490:37:51

Cos you could use this to your advantage.

0:37:510:37:53

If she ever catches you cheating,

0:37:530:37:55

you could just say, "Sorry, I was sleep-shagging!"

0:37:550:37:57

I'd say really take Grimmy home with you tonight,

0:37:590:38:01

fuck him, and then you won't dream about him any more!

0:38:010:38:04

APPLAUSE

0:38:040:38:07

No, no, it's a nightmare!

0:38:110:38:13

Whose advice are you going to go for?

0:38:130:38:15

Team Rickie or Team Melvin?

0:38:150:38:17

I think I'm going to go Melvin.

0:38:170:38:19

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:190:38:22

You win a point for your team.

0:38:220:38:24

Are you going to go now?

0:38:260:38:27

Does that have to happen now? But I'm so tired.

0:38:270:38:31

OK, who is next in the Sweatbox?

0:38:310:38:33

My name's Ryan.

0:38:330:38:35

What's your sweat?

0:38:350:38:36

Em, my sister keeps showing me her tits.

0:38:360:38:40

What?!

0:38:400:38:42

Ryan, why is she showing you her tits? Why?

0:38:420:38:45

She's breastfeeding, so her baby's obviously hungry,

0:38:450:38:48

but she was breastfeeding the other day and the baby was sleeping

0:38:480:38:52

and she said to me, "Come here, look, my tits are lactating."

0:38:520:38:56

Do you know what you can get her to do?

0:38:560:38:58

I used to get my friend to do this when she was breastfeeding.

0:38:580:39:01

Like, when we'd go to a party and we'd see a girl that we didn't like from school still,

0:39:010:39:05

we'd squeeze her boob and spray it all in her weave.

0:39:050:39:08

-Oh, my God!

-WRETCH: That's crazy.

0:39:100:39:12

Miquita Oliver got a right hairful of it!

0:39:120:39:15

So, Ryan, do you not think that she's just breastfeeding

0:39:150:39:20

and you just keep happening to look?

0:39:200:39:22

-Yes!

-She does it in public.

0:39:220:39:24

Me and my mates were out for a meal and she was there too

0:39:240:39:27

and she just whipped it out, nearly knocked a burger off the table.

0:39:270:39:31

-In front of my mates.

-You could just leave the room.

0:39:310:39:34

-I could.

-I'm just putting it out there.

0:39:340:39:36

I've got a bit of advice -

0:39:360:39:38

just stop looking at your sister breastfeeding, you creep!

0:39:380:39:41

Nice advice from Rickie's team over there.

0:39:410:39:45

Which team's advice are you going to go for?

0:39:470:39:49

Eh, Seann's.

0:39:490:39:51

That's earned Seann a point for Rickie's team!

0:39:510:39:55

OK, who is next in the Sweatbox?

0:39:580:40:02

-It's Stooshe!

-Stooshe!

0:40:020:40:04

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:40:040:40:06

-Hi, Stooshe.

-Hello.

-Whatever is your problem, pray tell?

0:40:090:40:14

I often get mistaken for another pop star.

0:40:140:40:16

-OK.

-OK.

-Can you think about who it is?

0:40:160:40:19

-Who's the other pop star?

-Justin Bieber?

0:40:190:40:22

What are you trying to say?

0:40:220:40:23

-I don't mind.

-No, it's another female pop star.

0:40:230:40:28

-Is it Jessie J?

-No.

0:40:280:40:31

-Emeli Sande?

-Yes!

0:40:310:40:34

You're mistaken for Emeli Sande!

0:40:340:40:36

I bet everyone thinks, "God, Emeli Sande's gangsta in real life."

0:40:360:40:40

"She's a badman!"

0:40:400:40:41

LAUGHTER

0:40:410:40:43

Do you ever pretend you are Emeli Sande?

0:40:430:40:46

Yeah, I use her name! I tell everyone, "Yeah, I'm Emeli."

0:40:460:40:49

"I won an award!"

0:40:490:40:51

My friend got deported out of Thailand once

0:40:510:40:53

for pretending to be Su Pollard.

0:40:530:40:55

LAUGHTER

0:40:550:40:56

Rickie's team, what would you do if you looked like Emeli Sande?

0:40:560:41:01

What should she do?

0:41:010:41:02

It depends if it annoys you or not or whether you like it.

0:41:020:41:04

If it annoys you, change your hair.

0:41:040:41:07

-If it doesn't annoy you...

-Keep your hair!

-Keep your hair.

0:41:070:41:11

Melvin's team, any advice?

0:41:110:41:13

We said do something crazy

0:41:130:41:15

-and then run away and pretend to be Emeli Sande!

-Good idea.

0:41:150:41:18

Then the police will go to Emeli Sande's house,

0:41:180:41:21

lock her up and then you can be Stooshe!

0:41:210:41:23

THEY CHEER

0:41:230:41:26

Come over here. That's a good one.

0:41:260:41:28

Whose advice are you going to go for?

0:41:300:41:32

Team Rickie or Team Melvin?

0:41:320:41:34

-Melvin!

-I don't want to change my hair, so I'll go for you.

0:41:340:41:36

Team Melvin! Point for your team.

0:41:360:41:39

You could do the maddest stuff ever.

0:41:410:41:43

You could take a poo on the stage right now and be like,

0:41:430:41:45

"It was Emeli Sande."

0:41:450:41:47

"Emeli Sande had a poo live on BBC Three! She's lost it!"

0:41:470:41:51

That was the final round! Thank you, Sweatboxers!

0:41:520:41:57

Thank you, Stooshe!

0:41:570:41:58

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:41:580:42:02

So that is it. I can reveal that tonight's winners are...

0:42:020:42:06

Melvin's team!

0:42:080:42:09

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:42:090:42:11

A big thank you to Rickie, Caroline Flack,

0:42:190:42:21

Seann Walsh, Melvin, Rochelle and Wretch 32!

0:42:210:42:25

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff. I've been Nick Grimshaw. Good night.

0:42:250:42:29

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:42:290:42:31

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:42:510:42:55

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