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Remember when your hot meal was a soggy school dinner, | 0:00:05 | 0:00:08 | |
an overcooked roast at the local carvery | 0:00:08 | 0:00:11 | |
or a charred treat in the all new burger bar? | 0:00:11 | 0:00:14 | |
Well, they tell us that British cuisine has improved, | 0:00:15 | 0:00:19 | |
so why do we now suffer from food fury and gastronomic grumpiness? | 0:00:19 | 0:00:24 | |
A timbale of rice. | 0:00:25 | 0:00:26 | |
In a mung bean reduction with a wallaby jus. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
What a load of pretentious bollocks. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
Everyone seems obsessed with what they put down their gullet. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:39 | |
Worrying about the airmiles it's travelled, | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
or trying to grow it themselves in some green-fingered Good Life fantasy world. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:46 | |
It's insane. You know, why are we eating any of this at all? | 0:00:47 | 0:00:51 | |
Meanwhile, our telly diet is marinaded in celebrity chefs, | 0:00:51 | 0:00:55 | |
and the local greengrocer has been expertly stuffed by a huge supermarket. | 0:00:55 | 0:01:00 | |
If you get something like a chicken Kiev, | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
it should just say "salt, with some chicken Kiev." | 0:01:03 | 0:01:07 | |
We've gone from powdered egg to bloody goji berries, whatever they are. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:13 | |
How come stuff that's supposed to be good for you is horrible? | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
It's time for us Grumpies to lift the lid and let off steam. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:22 | |
Do I have an educated palate? | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
Yes, it's been educated to chips and fish fingers and fried eggs. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:38 | |
Love a bit of food, me. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:39 | |
I'm lucky, because I can eat and eat and not put a pound on. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
I put it down to a high metabolism. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
I've eaten some odd things in my time. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
I've eaten a goat's testicle, | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
I've eaten a rat curry, I've eaten a dried fish on a stick. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
Fussiness was not an option. It was, food down, | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
if you don't want to eat it, don't. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
It'll go in the bin. Go hungry. See you tomorrow, end of. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
My wife has educated me quite a great deal | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
in the ways of the gourmand | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
but I'm pretty simple. I don't really like veg. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
That'll be the first thing I say, I'm not a vegetarian. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
-Here we are. -Mmmm, wonderful. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
I think I have an educated palate. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
That's not to say I'm easily fooled by fancy-schmancy, | 0:02:19 | 0:02:24 | |
"Oh, look, there's a tiny bit of food on this big plate" | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
"and it's sky high and you're meant to think it's delicious." I know what's delicious. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
When did strolling the supermarket aisle | 0:02:31 | 0:02:35 | |
become more like walking a fashion catwalk? | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
Everything that we digest these days seems to be dictated to us | 0:02:38 | 0:02:42 | |
by groups of food fashionistas and culinary snobs. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:46 | |
When things become fashionable and people tell you, | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
"you don't want that, you want this." | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
I go, "No, I want that." | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
"But it's what everyone's having." I think, "so what?" | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
With clothes, OK, but not food. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
What I like is what I like. It still tastes good. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
Food and fashion statements. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
It's an ongoing thing, isn't it, you know? | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
Nouvelle cuisine, gastro pubs, fancy beans, | 0:03:04 | 0:03:08 | |
I remember when someone said to me once, "do you eat mung beans?" | 0:03:08 | 0:03:12 | |
and I thought they'd insulted me. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
There's trendy vegetables, chic sushi, hip and happening tomatoes. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:21 | |
It's enough to make our blood boil. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:25 | |
What is the difference between sun-dried and sun-blushed? | 0:03:25 | 0:03:29 | |
Bugger all, as far as I can see. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
Dried tomatoes, blushed tomatoes, embarrassed tomatoes, | 0:03:31 | 0:03:36 | |
various kinds of tomatoes are out there. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
A tomato is a tomato, sun-dried or sun-blushed or plum or... | 0:03:38 | 0:03:43 | |
it's a tomato. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:44 | |
And the flowery poncey lingo they use | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
to supposedly tease our taste buds | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
means we need a translator on hand just to order the simplest of meals. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:56 | |
Scallops on a bed of horseradish mash, know what I mean? | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
Medallions of sca... Why do you need to call a scallop a medallion? | 0:04:02 | 0:04:07 | |
A melange of beef. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
Is that a burger? | 0:04:09 | 0:04:10 | |
-It's a scallop, it doesn't need embellishment. -A timbale of rice. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:15 | |
A timbale? Why not have, you know, a conga of peas? | 0:04:15 | 0:04:20 | |
And a bass drum of baked potatoes, while you're at it. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:24 | |
In a mung bean reduction with a wallaby jus. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
A ceviche of salmon with a panache of seasonal vegetables | 0:04:29 | 0:04:33 | |
on a nest of salsify. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
I thought "What is that? A ceviche?" | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
What's a ceviche of salmon? A panache of vegetables? | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
Why don't they just get Vic Reeves to write the menus for them? | 0:04:41 | 0:04:45 | |
It would be like, "An eranu of beef that's been hoisted on a winch, | 0:04:45 | 0:04:49 | |
"served on a nest of cat hair parsnips and an uvavu of red wine. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:55 | |
-"Uuuvaavuu." -RUBS THIGHS | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
-Now, you see what Jerry's done here. -Yes? | 0:04:58 | 0:05:02 | |
He's fried your eggs on both sides. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
-Are you sure I can't drizzle some balsamic vinegar on that? -Please don't. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:08 | |
Only in restaurants is the word "drizzle" considered classy. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:12 | |
I think that's a curious thing. Drizzle is a negative thing. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:16 | |
I don't know why, when we apply it to food, | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
it's, "Oh, the oil has been drizzled on, that's nice. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:23 | |
"I'd hate to think of it being poured or dropped, but drizzled, mmm." | 0:05:23 | 0:05:28 | |
What a load of pretentious bollocks. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
They say less is more, | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
and in restaurant terms they could just be right. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
It seems the more you pay out, the less you actually get. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:41 | |
I like a nice medium-sized dish but no, these tiny little... | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
No. There's no point in that, I know it looks lovely | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
and it does taste lovely but I want to taste it more than once. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
I want to go, "mmm taste, mmm taste, mmm taste, mmm taste, | 0:05:50 | 0:05:54 | |
"maybe taste again". Then I'm done. I don't just want, "mmm taste." | 0:05:54 | 0:05:58 | |
I had this posh meal, it sounded amazing, it came out, it was | 0:05:58 | 0:06:03 | |
a piece of salmon with a bit of sauce on it, one asparagus! | 0:06:03 | 0:06:08 | |
One asparagus! | 0:06:11 | 0:06:12 | |
The one modern food I cannot entertain is sushi. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:16 | |
There's nothing there, people go nuts for it. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
They go "Oh, got to have some sushi, shall we have sushi for lunch, do you like sushi?" | 0:06:18 | 0:06:22 | |
No, I don't, cos there's nothing there. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:25 | |
It's a little bit of uncooked fish and a little bit of rice. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
And the rest of it is plastic. You throw away more than you eat. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:32 | |
-This is a stack with smoked salmon, cream cheese... -Is that free? | 0:06:32 | 0:06:36 | |
..prawn in a shell. No, it's only £12.50. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
-£12.50 for that! -In a restaurant it would be £25. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
There's nothing that winds me up more than asking for a portion of chips. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:48 | |
Easy request, really, isn't it? Portion of chips. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
And getting on a plate, six big, thick bits of potato, like that. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:59 | |
That's me, that's the night over. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
I might as well just get my coat. That's it, I've had enough. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:06 | |
For a long time, I used to go to restaurants | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
and there was a lot of something called polenta. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
Now polenta is clearly a building material | 0:07:11 | 0:07:16 | |
that somewhere in the EU, they suddenly found. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:21 | |
It must have been a residue. It must have been something | 0:07:21 | 0:07:25 | |
that was left over after they'd made something else. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
When does a potato become a chip? There has to be size regulations. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
For me a chip has a definite size. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
It's crunchy, you pick it up in your fingers. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
That's huge, you need a knife and fork. Not a chip. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
It's funny how tastes change in different regions. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
In the Midlands, they seem to want chips with everything. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
A lot of people have lasagne and chips, | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
or they'll have moussaka and chips. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
You'd think pasta, that's the carbs. You don't need... | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
I was in Wolverhampton on tour last year. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:54 | |
I went into a place and ordered a baked potato, | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
and honest to God, this girl asked, "Do you want chips with that?". | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
It was on every menu for a while. You couldn't move for polenta. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:03 | |
I think we used it up. It seems to have gone. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
We've had our fill of small portions of culinary snobbery. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
But the quick and easy ready meal isn't a palette pleaser either. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:15 | |
Packed with preservatives, e-numbers and fake flavouring, | 0:08:19 | 0:08:23 | |
over-packaged, clingfilmed, | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
and presented with a glossy appetising picture | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
that bears no resemblance to the gloop on your plate. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:32 | |
Ready meals are a very odd thing, really. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
If you do get something like a chicken Kiev, | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
it should just say, "salt with some chicken Kiev." | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
It's been proven over and over again, | 0:08:40 | 0:08:44 | |
TV chefs and non-TV chefs alike will show you how to make that meal, | 0:08:44 | 0:08:49 | |
probably as quickly as 40 minutes in the oven. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
Why not make it yourself and know what's in it? | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
12 o'clock at night after a few lagers, | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
chuck it in the microwave for two minutes. | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
We can all fall foul of chicken. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
They drag all the goodness out of it, try to make it look pretty by processing it | 0:09:02 | 0:09:06 | |
and then put it all back in with non natural vitamins and minerals etc. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:12 | |
I'm constantly disappointed with the picture on the front of the ready meal | 0:09:12 | 0:09:16 | |
and actually what is in the plastic tray. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
Immediately you feel like you're in prison, you take the thing off | 0:09:18 | 0:09:22 | |
and basically, you've got a prison tray in front of you, haven't you? | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
My rule of thumb is, | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
if the ready meal comes in a cardboard box, then it's fine. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:31 | |
If it's packaged with a nice cardboard box | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
with a nice picture on it | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
and if the cardboard box is not dyed, | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
if it's natural cardboard, then it's fine. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
You poke your fork through, you put it in the microwave, | 0:09:48 | 0:09:51 | |
take it out a few minutes later | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
and there's a smell of wet dog in the kitchen. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
What is that smell? What is that smell of wet dog? | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
And there, it's your beef casserole. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:01 | |
I do like dirty food though, I mean, I'm a keen cook, | 0:10:03 | 0:10:06 | |
but there are certain, there's filthy food that I love, | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
but it loses its magic when you get older, like the Campbell's meatball, | 0:10:09 | 0:10:13 | |
I remember loving them as a child, dare I say it, on a bed of rice. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:21 | |
There are good ready meals, there are bad ready meals. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
But you can go to someone's house | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
who's spent all day putting it together - | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
could still be horrible, can't it? | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
You know, the dinner parties you've been to, where someone says | 0:10:31 | 0:10:35 | |
"for the starter I've got some slices of organic beetroot | 0:10:35 | 0:10:39 | |
"with some snail porridge on and a little tuft of lemon grass." | 0:10:39 | 0:10:45 | |
That sounds horrible. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
Do you have any Fray Bentos pies? | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
You know, it is amazing, what you can come up with with just flour and water. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:55 | |
Yeah, glue. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
And, sometimes, to wait the seconds it takes to microwave convenience food | 0:11:01 | 0:11:06 | |
is itself too much of an inconvenience. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:10 | |
I love eating fish and chips and stuff like that. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:14 | |
I don't like all the Burger King things. I do sort of think... | 0:11:14 | 0:11:18 | |
But it's very hard to keep kids off that. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
They know what they're doing. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
"Come to McDonalds, we've got lettuce in our burgers now, | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
"so if you want to be an athlete then eat McDonalds." | 0:11:25 | 0:11:29 | |
I happen to think KFC is the food of the gods. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:35 | |
To me it is the nectar that keeps me going. | 0:11:37 | 0:11:40 | |
If I know that there's a motorway service station where the first one | 0:11:40 | 0:11:45 | |
is, like, not KFC and the next one is, | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
I will drive, literally, that extra mile, for the Colonel. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:52 | |
Richard Dawkins has said there's no such thing as God, | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
but he hasn't tried KFC gravy. That's the work of the gods. | 0:11:55 | 0:12:01 | |
Not meaning to be cruel to the people of Wolverhampton, | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
but eating out in Wolverhampton is really crap. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:08 | |
And I got laughed in the face in the street | 0:12:08 | 0:12:12 | |
when I asked someone if there is a Wagamamas in Wolverhampton, | 0:12:12 | 0:12:17 | |
and they just went, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
"No, mate, no, you've got to go to Birmingham for that". | 0:12:20 | 0:12:24 | |
Having been brought up in Scotland, | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
I do feel a slight sense of injustice | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
that after centuries of | 0:12:30 | 0:12:33 | |
extraordinary medical prowess from the Scots, | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
extraordinary engineering innovation from the Scots - | 0:12:36 | 0:12:41 | |
inventing penicillin, the telephone, television, | 0:12:41 | 0:12:46 | |
suddenly the reputation has been reduced to that of, | 0:12:46 | 0:12:51 | |
that's where you get deep-fried Mars Bars from. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
Only in Scotland can they make focaccia sound like a swear word. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:58 | |
Seriously. "foc-accia". | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
And after a few jars the calling for animal fat becomes | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
impossible to ignore. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
Why is it that a kebab tastes so much better at 3am? | 0:13:08 | 0:13:13 | |
I was in Scotland recently, doing some gigs up there | 0:13:14 | 0:13:18 | |
and I went into a kebab shop. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:21 | |
Now, the Scottish are perhaps known not for their best diet, | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
hence the deep-fried black pudding and deep-fried Mars Bar, | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
but me with a London accent said, "I'll have a kebab, please". | 0:13:27 | 0:13:31 | |
-Hi, sir. -Hello, can I have a large kebab, please? | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
Would you like salad with that? | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
He went, "Salad?" and I went "No, just meat." | 0:13:35 | 0:13:39 | |
I thought he was going to kiss me. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
I'd suddenly become an honorary Scotsman | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
because I pooh-pooh'd the salad. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
We go to Abdul's down Oxford Road in Manchester | 0:13:47 | 0:13:50 | |
and get a chicken kebab, chicken tikka, | 0:13:50 | 0:13:55 | |
I mean, that other one, | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
like an elephant's leg that's had the skin ripped off it, | 0:13:57 | 0:14:02 | |
Urgh! No! But the chicken one, loads of salad, chillies, | 0:14:02 | 0:14:07 | |
yogurty sauce thing, great. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
I am one of the few people who will eat a kebab in the day, if it's a decent one. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:13 | |
I discovered, whilst living in Glasgow, | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
the joy of the kebab with veggie pakora. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:21 | |
£5.50. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:22 | |
That works very well. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
And you can make that last a couple of days | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
and the time it spends in the fridge and the microwave merely improve it. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:32 | |
But don't look too far down your nose at the lowly kebab. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:39 | |
It wasn't so long ago the Wimpy Bar was the popular palate pleaser. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:44 | |
It seems even today, we can't shake off | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
our yearning for the food of yesteryear. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:51 | |
Prawn cocktails, I love. There's nothing wrong with Marie Rose sauce | 0:14:54 | 0:14:58 | |
and I'm not talking about putting ketchup in your mayonnaise. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
Marie Rose sauce is a specific condiment, it's a superb thing. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
I could eat, I could feast on prawn cocktail and duck a l'orange. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:09 | |
I like the retro dishes, chicken Kiev, I love it, | 0:15:09 | 0:15:13 | |
It's quite difficult to make. You ever made it? It's hard work. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:17 | |
I've got very poor taste in food | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
so the 70's for me was a wonderful decade, Black Forest gateau | 0:15:19 | 0:15:23 | |
fake squirty cream, all that kind of thing, that was bang up my street. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:27 | |
There is your gateau. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
Black Forest gateaux, steak and chips, nothing wrong with it, | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
moules-frites, mmm superb. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
I like all those retro, simple dishes - steak and kidney pie. Ah! | 0:15:37 | 0:15:43 | |
My first ever order when I had a job as a waiter in a restaurant | 0:15:43 | 0:15:47 | |
was a prawn cocktail. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
And, you know, I was new to the job | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
and I was hearing food terms I'd not come across before | 0:15:52 | 0:15:57 | |
and I heard the word cocktail | 0:15:57 | 0:15:59 | |
and so automatically just went to the bar, | 0:15:59 | 0:16:02 | |
thinking that a prawn cocktail | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
must therefore be some kind of fish-based drink. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:09 | |
The thing is now, they're going back to good pies. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
They sell it like it's a good thing. | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
I saw a poster for a major supermarket on my way here today | 0:16:15 | 0:16:19 | |
that said "100% pure beef", you know, | 0:16:19 | 0:16:24 | |
and I thought, "well, yes! That's what goes in a beef pie. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:29 | |
"What was it before? What was going in there?" | 0:16:29 | 0:16:33 | |
We used to call them... They even say "100% ground beef", those burger outlets, | 0:16:33 | 0:16:37 | |
-but you know it's toes, lips and -BLEEP -anus-holes and all that, don't you? | 0:16:37 | 0:16:41 | |
You just know it's going to be rubbish in there. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
Then you want the chopped parsley, it's no good without it. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
Where did I see the chopped parsley? I reckon I... It's all right. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
It's in here. Let's have a look. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
Here it is, yeah. It's all wet in here. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
I'll kill that bloody cat. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
What doesn't go to waste, goes to the waistline. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
Whether it's cool or hot, raw or burnt, we'll eat it. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:09 | |
And the result is, everywhere you look are expanding grumpy guts. | 0:17:09 | 0:17:15 | |
After all, you are what you eat. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
I have been on every single diet that's known to man, | 0:17:17 | 0:17:22 | |
even diets I haven't tried, I've known about them. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:26 | |
It's a load of codswash, dieting. All that misery, for what? | 0:17:26 | 0:17:31 | |
You could fall under a bus tomorrow. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
I could. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:34 | |
You wouldn't fit under a bus. It would have to be jacked up. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
I don't really diet, I know people would find that hard to believe | 0:17:37 | 0:17:41 | |
cos I'm quite lithe, I'm quite svelte. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:44 | |
Although my doctor did recently say that I should diet, | 0:17:44 | 0:17:48 | |
I should watch what I'm eating. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:51 | |
But I just like to eat what I'm eating. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
Just sitting there looking at it, that's no good. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:56 | |
I start salivating. And when I salivate, stand back. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:03 | |
There's a lot of diets at the moment | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
that are telling us to eat like French women, | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
ie evidently French women, the reason they look slim all the time | 0:18:12 | 0:18:16 | |
is they just have a tiny little bit of chocolate | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
and then they put the whole bar back, | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
so they're very thin. They're obviously mentally ill though. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:24 | |
When we aren't being bombarded by commercials for burgers and biscuits | 0:18:24 | 0:18:29 | |
we're being seduced by the skinny, smiley people | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
of the devilish diet industry, a multi-billion pound business | 0:18:32 | 0:18:36 | |
that promises to reduce our waistline | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
but actually just slims down our wallet. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
If you're going to do a fad diet, | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
what you read in the magazine will never be what happens. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:49 | |
It's never going to be what happens. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
What you read in the magazine probably worked on one person, | 0:18:51 | 0:18:55 | |
once, in 1975 and it's never worked again. | 0:18:55 | 0:18:58 | |
The Atkins, the cabbage soup, the zone diet, the inzone diet, | 0:18:58 | 0:19:03 | |
all zone or is that a travelcard? | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
So what's the diet? | 0:19:08 | 0:19:09 | |
What it is you do is, you eat a hard boiled egg before every meal | 0:19:09 | 0:19:14 | |
and that hard boiled egg actually eats some of the meal for you | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
so you lose weight. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:20 | |
I did once try that cabbage soup diet, | 0:19:20 | 0:19:24 | |
and that tipped me to the edge of mental illness really. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:31 | |
I mean, you found yourself fixating on the jacket potato | 0:19:31 | 0:19:34 | |
you are allowed on day 13 or something. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
I went on the Atkins diet. I didn't eat carbs for a week. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
I nearly fainted when I saw a bowl of crisps | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
and I attacked it like a savage animal. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
I found these over by the stairs. What are they? | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
Love handles. Lots of people lose them taking the stairs instead of the escalator. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:54 | |
You meet men and they've suddenly just dropped two-and-a-half stone | 0:19:54 | 0:19:59 | |
or they go on a diet and they immediately lose three stone, | 0:19:59 | 0:20:04 | |
and you go, "How did you do that? | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
"How did you lose all that weight so quickly?" And they go, | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
"Oh, I just stopped drinking coffee twice a week, | 0:20:09 | 0:20:13 | |
"I still drink it the other three days | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
"but twice a week I stopped and the weight just dropped off." | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
Ronni Ancona, I mean, I don't know if you know her, | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
but she will always pretend she's not going to eat something. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:25 | |
When we went out together she'd say, "Oh, no, I don't want chips, | 0:20:25 | 0:20:28 | |
"I won't have any chips. You have chips, if you want to. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:31 | |
"No, you have them, you have the chips." | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
Of course, I have chips and what happens? She goes, | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
"Can I just have one of your chips? | 0:20:36 | 0:20:37 | |
"Can I just have another of your...? Can I have another chip?" | 0:20:37 | 0:20:41 | |
And she'd eat all the chips. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
People who go on these faddy diets are often vilified | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
you know, I mean, I prefer to vilify greedy people | 0:20:47 | 0:20:51 | |
who keep stuffing their faces and sitting next to me | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
on planes and things and taking up at least a half of my seat. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:57 | |
I'm only allowed 10 kilos in my bag | 0:20:57 | 0:21:00 | |
and so's the fat bastard in front of me, you know what I mean? | 0:21:00 | 0:21:04 | |
He's carrying 20 kilos under his jumper, you know? | 0:21:04 | 0:21:07 | |
And I go on, Mr Slim and I've got 12.2, | 0:21:07 | 0:21:12 | |
No, I've got to take a couple of books out me bag. Have I? Yeah. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
What if I stuff them up his jumper? | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
This is Captain Patterson speaking, on behalf of Bucketflot airlines | 0:21:17 | 0:21:21 | |
I would just like to welcome you aboard flight 587 to Greece. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:25 | |
We should be flying at a altitude of 35,000 feet, but as my co-pilot | 0:21:25 | 0:21:30 | |
today is Fat Bloke, we probably won't manage more than 15,000 feet. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:35 | |
So don't have a go at people who are trying to do something about it, | 0:21:35 | 0:21:39 | |
tackle these great lard arses who just think it's fine | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
to eat kebab and chips 14 times a day. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:46 | |
I remember, as a teenager, kind of, circling Slim Fast in Boots... | 0:21:47 | 0:21:52 | |
-JAWS THEME -..as if it had magical properties... | 0:21:52 | 0:21:55 | |
..and I even bought a tub of it and I kept it under my bed. | 0:21:57 | 0:22:01 | |
And I would just take it out and look at it | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
like it was the ring from Lord Of The Rings. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:08 | |
This was the solution to all my problems, but if I ever opened it, | 0:22:10 | 0:22:14 | |
you know, like it was a Pandora's box and all the sorrows | 0:22:14 | 0:22:18 | |
and woes of the world would come out of this tub of banana Slim Fast. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:24 | |
It all starts off in your head. You need to look after your head first, | 0:22:24 | 0:22:28 | |
and everything else will connect. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
I'm going to hug a tree now. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
How very hippy, trippy green of you. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
Those veggie, vegan, right on, limp-wristed, lettuce lovers | 0:22:38 | 0:22:43 | |
seem to be everywhere these days. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
People who just eat fish. Pescatorians. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:50 | |
They can pescator off in my opinion. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:53 | |
There may be vegetarians in the room | 0:22:53 | 0:22:55 | |
when you're even doing something like this, they'll say something. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:59 | |
Normally they'll answer through their food pipe, "You mustn't mock me. We're people too." | 0:22:59 | 0:23:04 | |
Or if they've got the energy, they'll actually get up! | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
I've got mates of mine who are vegetarians | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
and I always make a special effort when they come round. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:16 | |
I do, for example, a vegetarian curry, I do some nice pilau rice | 0:23:16 | 0:23:20 | |
and I'll maybe do a sag aloo, which is spinach and potato | 0:23:20 | 0:23:24 | |
and to that I'll add a bit of ginger, | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
a bit of turmeric, a bit of coriander, some ground cumin, some garam masala | 0:23:26 | 0:23:31 | |
and then I cook it in lard. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:34 | |
There is a vegetarian supermarket here in Chorlton | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
and I made the mistake of asking one of the staff, who was in fact a... | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
They do themselves no favours a dreadlocked granny, | 0:23:41 | 0:23:45 | |
must be 75, grey dreadlock... | 0:23:45 | 0:23:49 | |
JAMAICAN ACCENT Dread man, dreaded up there, now. Me say... | 0:23:49 | 0:23:54 | |
Grey dreadlock, all the way down the back, long one, you know, | 0:23:54 | 0:23:59 | |
pierced nose, crocs, and rolled up dungarees. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:03 | |
I mean, honestly, you couldn't make it up, | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
and I said "Excuse me, I can't seem to find your eggs," and she went, | 0:24:06 | 0:24:11 | |
"We don't sell eggs," and I thought, "My God! | 0:24:11 | 0:24:14 | |
"It's vegan, it's a vegan shop," so I said, | 0:24:14 | 0:24:16 | |
"Well, you can keep your garlic cashews then, I'm off," and I walked. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:21 | |
They don't stock honey, do they? Cos it's stealing from the bees! | 0:24:21 | 0:24:25 | |
Ah. Stealing from the bees. They're all going to come back in a swarm | 0:24:25 | 0:24:30 | |
and sting us to death, aren't they? | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
Oh, my God! Vegetarians, good luck to you. Vegans, what on Earth?! | 0:24:32 | 0:24:39 | |
I went through the stage of being a vegan | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
but purely because I fancied someone who was a vegan. | 0:24:41 | 0:24:43 | |
I wanted him to think I was cool so I became... I nearly died. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:47 | |
I had beans on toast for two years, | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
I was about six stone by the end of that relationship. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
Vegetarians, what they fail to realise | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
is that meat is only a by-product of making shoes and belts. | 0:24:55 | 0:25:01 | |
What we going to do when we've all made our suede jackets and things? | 0:25:01 | 0:25:05 | |
You can't just leave, like, I mean, that animal ceases to exist, | 0:25:05 | 0:25:09 | |
it won't hold itself together cos we've had the skin off it. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:12 | |
So, you might as well eat that, that's really environmental, | 0:25:12 | 0:25:16 | |
that's got to be environmentally sound, | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
otherwise it will just go ppffff. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
The scotch egg. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:22 | |
The scotch egg, for me, especially if you're a vegan, | 0:25:22 | 0:25:26 | |
is there anything more philosophically corrupt for the vegan than the scotch egg, | 0:25:26 | 0:25:31 | |
which has death on the outside and the potential for life within? | 0:25:31 | 0:25:36 | |
It seems like every month, some scientist is telling us | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
that certain foods are bad for us and certain foods are good. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:45 | |
Well, now they've gone the whole roast hog | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
and decided that some foods have superpowers, | 0:25:48 | 0:25:52 | |
and like lemmings we're all blindly jumping on the superfood bandwagon. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:57 | |
It's funny, the whole superfood thing, | 0:25:59 | 0:26:02 | |
they're just great foods to eat. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
Fantastic! Avocados, magical. Rub it on your face, | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
don't even eat it, rub it on your face. It's wicked for your skin. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:11 | |
What makes me laugh about superfoods is, | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
being Iranian, I've grown up with pomegranates, | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
pomegranate is like, the national fruit of Iran, | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
and all of a sudden, in this country | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
we've discovered the pomegranate and it's sold at exorbitant prices. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:26 | |
It's just a fruit, all fruit and veg is good for you, eat it and shut up. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:33 | |
Gillian McKeith says it's meant to make you look all shiny and healthy. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:37 | |
Have a look, love. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:38 | |
The latest thing with superfoods is that you're made to feel bad, | 0:26:38 | 0:26:42 | |
almost ostracised, if you don't know about... | 0:26:42 | 0:26:46 | |
"You don't have goji berries and quinoa? | 0:26:46 | 0:26:50 | |
"Well, you know... | 0:26:50 | 0:26:52 | |
"die now." | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
I want to be committed on the superfood thing but surely | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
with superfoods, is it like a super hero? | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
Is it like, you can have a small amount of contact with a superfood | 0:26:59 | 0:27:04 | |
and that will do for the year? | 0:27:04 | 0:27:05 | |
Of course it doesn't work, you know, | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
avocados are going to make you run at 60 miles per hour | 0:27:07 | 0:27:11 | |
and like, if you have some mung beans or something, | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
it's going to help you work out the internal angles of a parallelogram? | 0:27:14 | 0:27:19 | |
Just nonsense. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:20 | |
Finding out that beetroot is really good for you | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
can't be any surprise because it's really good for you | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
apart from the fact that it's horrible. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
You know, so if you're going to eat something that's horrible, | 0:27:30 | 0:27:33 | |
it would have to have something going for it, wouldn't it? | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 | |
But now we've got all these foods open to us, | 0:27:37 | 0:27:40 | |
we should be forgetting beetroot, really. | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
But it is primarily a female thing, the beetroot. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:46 | |
Men who like beetroot are not to be trusted. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 | |
I'm absolutely off it on acai berry at the moment, | 0:27:49 | 0:27:54 | |
I'm on acerola cherries. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
You getting anything off that acerola cherry? | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
Mate, that is absolutely great. Do you know what? | 0:27:59 | 0:28:02 | |
before I came in here I did two of those acai berries | 0:28:02 | 0:28:05 | |
and they were like, "Just do one, mate" and I was like, "No, I'm going to do two," | 0:28:05 | 0:28:09 | |
took them in an innocent smoothie, downed the lot. | 0:28:09 | 0:28:11 | |
I'm having an absolute blinder. | 0:28:11 | 0:28:13 | |
I love blueberries but I wouldn't go nuts, just, well, | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 | |
I like nuts, but I wouldn't go blueberries for them. Oh. | 0:28:16 | 0:28:19 | |
This is a horrible conundrum, we've got into. | 0:28:19 | 0:28:21 | |
SINGS COUNTDOWN CONUNDRUM MUSIC | 0:28:21 | 0:28:22 | |
And if you're still hungry after all that, | 0:28:24 | 0:28:27 | |
get stuffed. | 0:28:27 | 0:28:29 | |
# Burnt, underdone, crude | 0:28:29 | 0:28:32 | |
# Don't care what it cooks like | 0:28:32 | 0:28:34 | |
# Just thinking of growing fat | 0:28:34 | 0:28:37 | |
# Our senses go reeling | 0:28:37 | 0:28:40 | |
# One moment of knowing that | 0:28:40 | 0:28:43 | |
# Full up feeling | 0:28:43 | 0:28:46 | |
# Food, magical food | 0:28:46 | 0:28:49 | |
# Wonderful food, marvellous food | 0:28:49 | 0:28:51 | |
# Fabulous food, beautiful food | 0:28:51 | 0:28:56 | |
# Glorious food! # | 0:28:56 | 0:29:01 | |
HE BURPS | 0:29:01 | 0:29:03 |