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# Hello, my friends It's time, you will surmise | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
# For me to give some gongs out And the same rule still applies | 0:00:05 | 0:00:08 | |
# They're not for achievements that usually get the prize | 0:00:08 | 0:00:12 | |
# For this show is for those we all too seldom recognise | 0:00:12 | 0:00:15 | |
# Let's review the wronged and the rejected | 0:00:15 | 0:00:19 | |
# And we'll praise the ones we have neglected | 0:00:19 | 0:00:23 | |
# So take your seats My ladies and my lords | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
# It's the Matt Lucas Show Awards! | 0:00:26 | 0:00:33 | |
# Lucas Awards! # | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
I'm afraid, it's the Matt Lucas Christmas Awards! | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
So please welcome your host, Matt Lucas. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:41 | |
Hello! | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
Thank you, thank you. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
Thank you, thank you. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
Hello there, hello there, hello there. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
Hello there. Hello! | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
Hello. Yes, welcome to the Matt Lucas Christmas Awards, | 0:00:54 | 0:00:59 | |
the show that gives the Christmas awards | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
other Christmas shows don't give. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:02 | |
Unfortunately, Father Christmas can't be here with us tonight, | 0:01:02 | 0:01:05 | |
but we do have the next best thing - please welcome Mother Christmas! | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
And providing the nominations, we have Alan Davies, Jo Brand, | 0:01:11 | 0:01:15 | |
and Rhod Gilbert. Thank you very much for joining me. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
As ever, the winners of each award are decided by a panel | 0:01:18 | 0:01:22 | |
of judges, who this week are the stars of pantomime. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
Please welcome Bonnie Langford, Ted Robbins, Bob Carolgees | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
and Spit The Dog. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
So let's get on with our first award. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
Now my favourite part of Christmas is showing people I've gone off them | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
by not sending them a Christmas card. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
So if you're watching and you didn't get one, | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
it's cos we're no longer friends, | 0:01:42 | 0:01:43 | |
so please stop bothering me! We're not doing the double act again. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:46 | |
But what of our guests? | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
Nominations, please, for people you'd most like | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
to leave off the Christmas card list. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:52 | |
Rhod. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
People who remove their eyebrows and then replace them | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
with a bit of home-made, drawn-on eyebrows. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
-Alan. -Dog owners. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
And Jo. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:02 | |
People who have had their teeth whitened or anything done | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
-to their face. -Okey-dokey. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
So, Rhod, why have you gone for people who shave off their eyebrows? | 0:02:07 | 0:02:11 | |
It's just my thing in life I'm noticing. I just... | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
I genuinely, genuinely think we're going to look back on this | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
period of eyebrow fashion | 0:02:16 | 0:02:18 | |
as something that's just insane. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
I think people just look absolutely insane. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
But it's the fact that you can see where they're supposed to be, | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
the sort of visible bony protuberance like a chicken's back, | 0:02:26 | 0:02:31 | |
that's sort of...you can see where the eyebrows are supposed to be. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
I just think we're going to look back on this period | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
and think what...we've just gone bonkers. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
Drawn-on eyebrows don't work. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
Eyebrows are a thing, they're supposed to keep out dust | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
and rain, and they, you know, they... tear, I don't know, sweat... | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
-Keep out rain? -Well, yes, you know. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
Oh, it's raining, you'd better make sure your eyebrows | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
-are in good nick. -Wind them out like that. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
Exactly, they're umbrellas for the eyes. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
Well, let's... Umbrellas for the eyes? | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
They're functional, they've evolved for a reason. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
Drawn-on eyebrows don't work. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
Cos if you could, if you had a like a rubber, | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
you could constantly change your expression, couldn't you? | 0:03:06 | 0:03:10 | |
Evil. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:11 | |
Amazed. Roger Moore. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
You could, but the beauty of the original eyebrow that | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
we're all blessed with - or most of us, no offence. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
I've just realised looking at you, I thought, "Oh, Christ, | 0:03:22 | 0:03:26 | |
"this was the wrong show to bring this..." There's only one host | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
in the world without eyebrows, and I go on his show. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
Just sit this bit out, I can't tell if you're annoyed. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
That's the problem. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
Rhod. Rhod. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
Rhod, you don't know, but I'm absolutely livid right now. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
Yeah, but we have a photo of the kind of thing you mean here. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:50 | |
There we go, there's Christina Aguilera. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
Look you can see where the eyebrow is supposed to be - | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
the skin is sort of shining like where it's supposed to be. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
Rhod, have you ever been tempted to sort of shave yours off | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
and then draw some new ones on? | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
No, they don't work. Anything... Like, if you cut your nose off | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
-and draw on a separate nose, it's not going to work as a nose. -No. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:08 | |
You can't blow a drawn-on nose. You can't... Right, I'll show you. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:12 | |
Look, I've brought things to show, anything you want. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:15 | |
I'm not happy with my arms, I'd rather... Actually, | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
I'm not happy with my...Clifford, right? There we are. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
Your Clifford? | 0:04:20 | 0:04:21 | |
There we are, sorry. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
I'll just draw on a better one. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:24 | |
How about that? There it is, that's me from now on. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
It's not going to work, it's not... Apart from anything, | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
it hasn't got a hole on the end. It's not going to work. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
It's not going to... Anything drawn on is not going to work. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:39 | |
I could draw eyebrows on you if you want. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:40 | |
Hang on a minute, now I'm not the only thing that's bald. Look. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:44 | |
This is you actually. Now, look, there we go. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
-Thank you very much, yeah. Yeah, thank you. -You can have that. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:53 | |
Would you like to draw some eyebrows on me? | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
-Is this what we're getting at? -I'd love to draw eyebrows on you. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
-This is just... -Oh, right. OK. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
Where do eyebrows go? This is the...? | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
-That's a guide. -I know roughly. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
-Oh, yeah. OK, yeah, I see. -So do you want me to hold them up like that? | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
-Yeah, you hold them up like that. -OK. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
Do a mono brow. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
Oh, no, let's do... | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
I can give you a bit of a comb-over as well, if you want. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
This feels humiliating. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
Some people have their eyebrows tattooed, don't they? | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
-Have you seen that? -Yeah. -And eyelashes tattooed as well. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
I've heard of it. I think we'll look back on this period | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
and think we've just lost the plot. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
Eyebrows wise. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
Thank you very much, Rodney, I feel you've given us | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
a very persuasive argument there. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:52 | |
Now, Alan, I could take a lot of offence at your nomination, | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
because I myself am a dog owner. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
So what's wrong with people like me? | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
The dog owners... | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
Not all dog owners, Matt. I'm sure you're not like this. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
..seem to think the dogs are more important than the children | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
-of the world. -Right. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:07 | |
And when you have children, they don't really care | 0:06:07 | 0:06:11 | |
how they behave towards them. So if we take the kids out for a walk, | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
they're constantly... My little boy who's two, likes to have a stick, | 0:06:14 | 0:06:18 | |
and he's constantly having to fall on his stick and protect it along | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
with all his other vital organs, while dogs sniff all around him, | 0:06:21 | 0:06:25 | |
and owners stand nearby huffing and tutting. And eventually, he starts | 0:06:25 | 0:06:29 | |
to sob. And then one of the owners said to me... I said, | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
"You should apologise, cos he's knocked him over and he's upset." | 0:06:31 | 0:06:35 | |
And she goes, "Well, it's your fault, | 0:06:35 | 0:06:37 | |
"because your child's afraid of dogs." | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
I said, "He's one." | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
She goes, "Well, the dog's six months." | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
Jo, do you share Alan's view here? | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
Well, I have children and certainly when they were small, | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
they were assailed by dogs. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
My oldest daughter's... Actually, a dog jumped up | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
onto her pushchair, knocked it over, and all hell was let loose, | 0:06:56 | 0:07:01 | |
as the owner came running towards the dog shouting, | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
"Britney, come here!" | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
What about all the poo on the floor | 0:07:07 | 0:07:09 | |
and the constant bags of poo left on people's...? | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
My daughter doesn't do that now. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
See, I would take issue with that, the bags of poo, the poo on the floor | 0:07:15 | 0:07:19 | |
and stuff, cos as a new dog owner - | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
I've got a puppy, just six weeks ago - | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
and I've been struck by the selfishness of non dog owners. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
-Really? -The stuff they leave on the floor. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:30 | |
-What? -As it happens, I've got an inventory here, | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
of objects I've removed from my puppy's mouth only yesterday. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:37 | |
This is on a walk through central London where we live. This is it. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
I saved her life about 46 times in nine minutes. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
This is what other non dog owners have thrown on the ground and | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
my dog got in her mouth, and I had to reach in and fetch it out, right? | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
Five chewing gums, nine cigarette butts, | 0:07:48 | 0:07:50 | |
two balloons, an AA battery, three fliers for Indian takeaway | 0:07:50 | 0:07:53 | |
and a copy of Frank Lampard's autobiography. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
Is what my puppy got stuck in her mouth yesterday | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
-going into Hyde Park. -When your child looks up at you | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
and is wielding a four-day-old, dried-up dog turd and is about | 0:08:03 | 0:08:07 | |
to chew on it, I would regard that as a more serious situation. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:12 | |
I would regard that as a vegetarian sausage. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
Bob, you're a dog owner. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
Alan has nominated dog owners here | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
as people not to be on the Christmas card list - | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
what do you what do you say in response to that? | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
Yeah, I... Being a dog owner, personally, with this dog, | 0:08:27 | 0:08:33 | |
I have had a lifetime of horror. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
You know what I mean. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:39 | |
DOG SPITS | 0:08:39 | 0:08:43 | |
So, Jo, like Rhod, you object to vanity, | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
you won't be sending a Christmas card to people who've had | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
-their teeth whitened, is that right? -That's right. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:51 | |
Why would that be? | 0:08:51 | 0:08:52 | |
Well, because first of all, I think it looks unnatural | 0:08:52 | 0:08:56 | |
and it's frightening. And that might have something to do with | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
the fact that when I was a kid, my grandad told me | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
that his false teeth used to go and cut the lawn during the night. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:07 | |
So I could believe that they...that there's... | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
they look like false teeth, whitened teeth. They're not natural. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
British people's teeth are yellow with big brown blobs on them, | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
and that's what I like. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
Um, and the ones I accuse mainly of this are the entire cast | 0:09:20 | 0:09:25 | |
-of The Only Way Is Essex. -Right, OK. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
-Particularly Joey Essex. -Well, we have a photo here | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
of Joey Essex, I believe. There you go. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
Don't you think they look unnatural and a bit scary? They do. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:37 | |
I would never snog someone like that for fear of them coming out | 0:09:37 | 0:09:42 | |
and biting my eyebrows off, and then I'd have to paint them on. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:46 | |
Jo, it's not just teeth whitening you have an issue with - | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
-it's all cosmetic procedures, is that right? -It is, really, | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
cos I think it's very sad that... | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
And it is women particularly who want to deny that they're ageing. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:57 | |
Because we'll get this situation where you know a woman will | 0:09:57 | 0:10:02 | |
kind of look 25, and then a man will go to grasp her bum, | 0:10:02 | 0:10:08 | |
and it will come off, cos she's so old. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
I think that that's quite scary. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
Have you ever considered getting any work done yourself? | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
-If you did, what would you get? -I'd have me head taken off. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
-Do you want me to draw you a new one, Jo? -Yes, please. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
And then I'd have Rhod's put on Monday to Thursday | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
and Alan's put on Friday to Sunday. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
Judges, have any of you had plastic surgery? | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
I leant a mate of mine 3,000 quid to have plastic surgery, | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
but now I don't know what he looks like and I can't get the money back. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
We'd never have anything done, would we? | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
Thank you very much. Well, it's time to find out from our judges | 0:10:47 | 0:10:51 | |
who is going to win the Lucas for people you'd most like | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
to leave off the Christmas card list. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
Will it be people who shave their eyebrows off | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
and draw on replacements, | 0:10:57 | 0:10:58 | |
dog owners, or people who have had their teeth whitened? | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
Judges, what is your verdict and why? | 0:11:01 | 0:11:05 | |
The thing about a Christmas card is that you open your Christmas card | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
and you go, "Oh, isn't that lovely?" | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
But if they've got their eyebrows permanently surprised anyway, | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
you don't need a card. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
So don't bother with the Christmas card for the permanently | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
surprised people who've painted their own eyebrows on. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
So the winner of the Lucas for the people you'd most like to leave | 0:11:20 | 0:11:23 | |
off the Christmas card list is... people who do their eyebrows! | 0:11:23 | 0:11:27 | |
Time for our next award. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:34 | |
Now, we all look forward to our Christmas dinner, don't we? | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
The turkey, the stuffing, the roast potatoes, the peas, the carrots, | 0:11:37 | 0:11:42 | |
the sprouts, the chipolatas, the gravy, the cranberry sauce, the more | 0:11:42 | 0:11:46 | |
turkey, the more roast potatoes, the pudding, the brandy butter, the more | 0:11:46 | 0:11:50 | |
pudding, the more brandy butter, the bloating, the flatulence, | 0:11:50 | 0:11:55 | |
the shame, the regret, the self-loathing, the anger, the blame. | 0:11:55 | 0:12:00 | |
And then the last remaining potato. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
But after all that over-indulgence, | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
how can we best shift the extra pounds? | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
Serve up your nominations, please, | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
for Most Effective Post-Christmas Diet. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
Alan. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
Carb-free Diet, Matt. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
Rhod. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:17 | |
Stop Eating Like A Dog Diet. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
And Jo. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:20 | |
Not Being Me Diet. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
Okey-dokeys. So, Alan, | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
obviously being naturally very thin, I never really had to look | 0:12:24 | 0:12:28 | |
into diets, but tell us why you've gone for the Carb-free Diet? | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
I had an incident once when I was in a restaurant, | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
and I'd had a pizza and some garlic bread and some dough balls, | 0:12:33 | 0:12:37 | |
and I went into some sort of a collapse, | 0:12:37 | 0:12:40 | |
where I had to put my head on the table, | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
and my wife had to take me home. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Something told me that there was I had the wrong blend of food groups. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:50 | |
This was followed by a period of bloating that lasted | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
-well into Newsnight. -Right. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
I was asked to play Jonathan Creek again after a five-year hiatus. | 0:12:56 | 0:13:00 | |
I weighed myself and I was a stone more than | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
he had been in the past, | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
and I decided that I didn't want to be a bloaty Creek, | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
I wanted to be the slender, lithe Creek of my youth. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:12 | |
Did you not fit in the Creek? | 0:13:12 | 0:13:13 | |
I could no longer get in the required garments. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:18 | |
Too fat to get in the Creek. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:19 | |
I couldn't. I was too tired and bloated. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:23 | |
I had to cut down on carbs to get any zip about my investigating. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:27 | |
"Whodunnit?" "I don't care, I want a lie down." | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
"Too tired because of the garlic bread and the dough balls. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:34 | |
"You solve it!" | 0:13:34 | 0:13:35 | |
OK, so you went from one extreme to another. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
Were there any side effects to going carb-free? | 0:13:37 | 0:13:40 | |
You're hungry a lot of the time. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
Right. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:43 | |
Rhod, what is the Stop Eating Like A Dog Diet? | 0:13:46 | 0:13:50 | |
The... Yeah, I've just coined that, | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
branded that, the Stop Eating Like A Dog Diet. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
I just think that the best way... The question is Most Effective | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
Post-Christmas Diet, | 0:13:57 | 0:13:58 | |
and I think that, at Christmas, we tend to pretty much eat like dogs. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:02 | |
We just... Dogs will eat until they die. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:06 | |
Just relentlessly eat and eat everything they're offered | 0:14:08 | 0:14:11 | |
and just keep eating until they die if you let them. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
And I think that is pretty much what we all do at Christmas. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
And so the Most Effective Post-Christmas Diet would be | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
stop doing that. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:19 | |
They do... They sort of don't know when they're hungry. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:22 | |
I have two dogs, and one of them... You know, they normally poo | 0:14:22 | 0:14:26 | |
twice a day, and one of my dogs poo'd eight times one day. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:30 | |
And I couldn't work it out. Then I found the bag of dog food. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:34 | |
He'd eaten...bitten a hole in the bag | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
and had just gone there | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
and was basically eating all day. And when I found him, | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
he had his head there eating and was doing a shit at the same time. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:46 | |
Yeah, it's true, that was the eighth shit of the day. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
We used to have two dogs. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:50 | |
One Christmas, they'd gone into the lounge where they weren't | 0:14:50 | 0:14:53 | |
meant to be, got under the tree - we had a Retriever and an Alsatian - | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
got into a tin of Quality Street, sorry, | 0:14:56 | 0:15:00 | |
got into a tin of assorted chocolates. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
What were they, Quality Street? | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
May have been Roses, can't remember. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
Got all the wrappers off with their tiny little teeth | 0:15:09 | 0:15:13 | |
and ate all the chocolates but left all the wrappers in the tin. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
-Did they eat the green triangles? -All of them. -Wow. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
That's commitment. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
Plainly, they're inhuman. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:21 | |
They are inhuman, it's true. And well done on spotting that. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:26 | |
Jo, tell us about your nomination - not being you. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
Because I'm useless at losing weight either after Christmas | 0:15:30 | 0:15:34 | |
of before Christmas. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:35 | |
I mean, I've had a weight problem probably since I was | 0:15:35 | 0:15:39 | |
a teenager when I went on the pill | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
and put on four stone, um, so... | 0:15:41 | 0:15:44 | |
-A lot bigger than the pill, wasn't it? -Uh? | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
It was. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:50 | |
-That wasn't the pill, that was a wagon wheel. -Was it? | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
I wish I'd enjoyed it more. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
No, I did, I put on four stone in about three months | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
-when I went on the pill. -Three months? | 0:16:01 | 0:16:02 | |
Yeah, so that proved to be a very affective contraceptive, obviously. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:06 | |
Um... | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
You know, my husband really wants me to lose weight as well, | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
but he can't bear to say it straight out, so he hints, like, | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
for my birthday, he got me a dress that was two sizes too small, right? | 0:16:15 | 0:16:19 | |
Handed it over and said, "Look forward to seeing you in it," | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
so for his birthday, I bought him a coffin. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
I had a friend who had a cat that was getting a bit overweight, | 0:16:29 | 0:16:31 | |
and the cat was getting bigger and bigger, | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
so they put a note on the cat's collar saying, | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
"If you are feeding this cat, please ring this number." | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
And seven people rang up. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
It was going to seven different houses every day | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
and acting starved | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
to the point where someone thought they were just keeping it alive. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:50 | |
Cos my husband pins a note on me every time I go out, | 0:16:50 | 0:16:54 | |
I can't see what it says. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
So, you come home, he's going, "Thanks for ringing, no carbs." | 0:16:57 | 0:17:02 | |
So what is going to win | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
the Lucas for Most Effective Post-Christmas Diet? | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
Will it be the Carb-free Diet, the Stop Eating Like A Dog Diet, | 0:17:07 | 0:17:10 | |
or Not Being Jo. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
Judges, what is your verdict and why? | 0:17:12 | 0:17:15 | |
I mean, we can't go for the dog one, can we? | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
No, it would be upset. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
Probably a lot of us certainly over Christmas try and have a bit | 0:17:19 | 0:17:23 | |
too much carbs, I agree with that. I personally wouldn't cut them | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
out completely, but I think that's the most sensible. What do you think? | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
DOS SPITS As always. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:31 | |
So the winner of the Lucas for Most Effective Post-Christmas Diet is... | 0:17:31 | 0:17:35 | |
non-carbs. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:36 | |
So, time for another Christmas-themed Christmas award | 0:17:41 | 0:17:44 | |
for Christmas, in which we celebrate the birth of Jesus... | 0:17:44 | 0:17:48 | |
Move up the Autocue. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:49 | |
..Christ, yes. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
Now, I much prefer giving than receiving - | 0:17:52 | 0:17:55 | |
I just find it a lot more pleasurable. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:58 | |
But have my guests found receiving as uncomfortable as me? | 0:17:58 | 0:18:02 | |
Nominations, please, | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
for the Most Disappointing Christmas Present Ever Received. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:08 | |
Jo. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
Um, a kitten. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
Alan. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:13 | |
A bat box. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:14 | |
And, R Hod. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
Home-made board games. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
So, Jo, why have you nominated a kitten for your most | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
disappointing Christmas present? | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
Because if you don't mind me saying, that's...you come across as a bit ungrateful? | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
Um, well, what happened was, I was probably about five or six | 0:18:30 | 0:18:33 | |
at the time, and my mum and dad bought me and my brothers | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
a kitten for Christmas, and, um, it escaped and went up the chimney. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:42 | |
So on Christmas Day, um, it was up there, | 0:18:42 | 0:18:46 | |
and it wouldn't come down, and so we didn't have a Christmas present, | 0:18:46 | 0:18:49 | |
and so we were quite disappointed, and so they tried various methods | 0:18:49 | 0:18:55 | |
of getting it out, like lit a fire, which I thought was a bit cruel. | 0:18:55 | 0:18:59 | |
Did you get a hoover and attach a pipe and try and suck it down? | 0:18:59 | 0:19:02 | |
No, but I wish we had. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
Put some cat food at the bottom in a little saucer | 0:19:04 | 0:19:08 | |
to try and lure it down, sent a small child up, um, and then | 0:19:08 | 0:19:13 | |
eventually, after about four days, it just dropped dead into the grate. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:17 | |
It didn't, really. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
Um, it did eventually come down, but by that time, it was four days | 0:19:22 | 0:19:25 | |
after Christmas, so what was the point of that? | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
And yet for all these woes, you are now an ambassador of, um, | 0:19:28 | 0:19:32 | |
-the charity International Animal Rescue, aren't you? -I am. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
Oh, is that like Thunderbirds but with animals? | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
That's why I agreed to it, | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
cos I thought I might meet the Tracy Brothers. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
-Right. -Meow! | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
Yes, I am. I am an ambassador for International Animal Rescue. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:51 | |
-What does that involve? -Not much. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
No. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
"Cats and dogs are go!" | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
Do you do a lot of charity work, Rhod, or are you more the recipient? | 0:19:57 | 0:20:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
I'm not sure that question needs an answer, I think. I think | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
the joke was in the question! | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
Alan, um, your nomination is a bat box. What is a bat box, please? | 0:20:08 | 0:20:13 | |
Well, I was, when I was small, one of my mum's friends came | 0:20:13 | 0:20:17 | |
round with some presents for us, and they went under the tree. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:20 | |
I had an older brother and a younger sister, I still do, | 0:20:20 | 0:20:23 | |
and my present was noticeably bigger than theirs. I mean, it was a really | 0:20:23 | 0:20:27 | |
substantial item, it was the biggest one under the tree. I thought | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
it was quite likely to be some sort of car racing game or something | 0:20:30 | 0:20:34 | |
exciting. I couldn't wait to open it. Opened it up, and it was | 0:20:34 | 0:20:38 | |
a wooden box with a slot in the bottom of it, | 0:20:38 | 0:20:41 | |
and she said, it's a bat box. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
We've actually got one here. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
There you go - was it a bit like that? | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
It was quite a lot bigger than that or maybe | 0:20:48 | 0:20:49 | |
I was just a lot smaller than I am now. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:52 | |
Could be. Could be. Could be both. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:53 | |
You're supposed to put it on your house, | 0:20:53 | 0:20:55 | |
and bats go and live in it, but my father put it in the shed. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
So you... We never spoke of it again. He didn't want bats living on the side of the house. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:04 | |
-Have a look at that. -There's the slot, that's it, a slot like that. -There's the slot and of course... | 0:21:04 | 0:21:08 | |
They go in there and they hang upside down and they love it up there. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:11 | |
What's in there? Like an arcade or something? What's there to do? | 0:21:11 | 0:21:15 | |
How do you get word out to the bat community that there's a new abode, | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
how do you let the bats know? | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
When I... As a kid, I grew up in the country | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
and I would have loved a bat box, actually. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
You'd never get in there. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
Not for me. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:30 | |
Now, Rhod, tell me why you've nominated home-made board games? | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
My dad used to do it a lot, home-made board games. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
I can remember one famous incident where he... I can remember | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
ripping open this paper, and "Buckaroo" it said, "Buckaroo". | 0:21:41 | 0:21:46 | |
Buckaroo, yeah. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
In felt tip pen. Literally "Clarks Shoes" crossed out underneath. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:54 | |
A home-made Buckaroo. | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
For those of you who don't know what Buckaroo is, | 0:21:59 | 0:22:01 | |
because it's not an app, let's have a look at an advert for it. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:08 | |
Oh, no! I can't carry one more thing! | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
It's Buckaroo! | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
How much gear can you load on before he kicks? Careful now, | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
or he'll buck, buck, Buckaroo! | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
OK, that was real Buckaroo there, | 0:22:19 | 0:22:20 | |
but, Rhod, that wasn't what you received for Christmas, was it? | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
No, it wasn't exactly that. Perhaps you'd like to show people what I received for Christmas, Matt. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:27 | |
OK, so we don't have the exact present that you received, because | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
you probably hurled it into a lake or something through frustration. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:32 | |
You guys have knocked up a faithful reproduction for me. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
We've got a sort of a repro there for you. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
You can see that, I'll tip off these. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
It's essentially a Barbie horse gaffer-taped to a cheeseboard. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:49 | |
Yep. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:50 | |
It's cheaper to get an actual Buckaroo. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:53 | |
This is the really weird bit, | 0:22:53 | 0:22:55 | |
is that this stuff was the real stuff from a Buckaroo set. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
He bought the game and then sort of threw away the horse? | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
I don't...I don't know, but... | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
People say to me, how does it flip up? | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
But you're going, it doesn't. It doesn't flip up. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
You just hang this stuff up until... | 0:23:09 | 0:23:10 | |
You put it on. Oh, exciting. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
Until one of the hooks just gives up. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
Always the same hook? | 0:23:18 | 0:23:19 | |
Oh, yeah, to be honest, once one of the hooks is loosened. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:24 | |
You tend to avoid it. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
You tend to avoid that hook. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:27 | |
It's basically just until the glue just sort of relents | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
and gives up - really, that's it, that's the game. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
OK, so it's time to go over to the judges and find out what is going | 0:23:35 | 0:23:39 | |
to win the Lucas for Most Disappointing Christmas Present Ever received. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
Will it be a kitten, a bat box or home-made board games? | 0:23:42 | 0:23:46 | |
Judges, what is your verdict and why? | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
For sheer disappointment and thinking it was a Scalextrix | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
or other similar type of game, the bat box for Alan, very disappointing. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:58 | |
Thank you very much and the winner of the Lucas | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
for Most Disappointing Christmas Present Ever Received has to be the bat box. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:04 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
Time for our final Lucas of the night - it's our Hidden Talent award, | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
when we discover the special skills our guests normally keep | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
close to their chest. Your nominations, please...Alan. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:20 | |
I can name Arsenal players by their haircuts. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
Jo. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:24 | |
I have an encyclopaedic knowledge of Elvis Costello songs. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
And Rhod. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
I'm so good at French, I can convince a French person I'm French. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
So, Alan, like me, you support # By far the greatest team the world | 0:24:32 | 0:24:37 | |
# Has ever seen, and it's Ar-se-nal | 0:24:37 | 0:24:42 | |
# Arsenal FC. # Don't you? | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
I used to see you over at Highbury back in the day, | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
before you became hugely successful and got a box. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
But also, they don't play at Highbury any more, | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
that was one of the other reasons. Are you still going to Highbury? | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
Yeah, but we did see each other occasionally, didn't we? | 0:24:57 | 0:25:01 | |
-Used to see you, yeah. -I do love going. I've been going along since I was in...primary school. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:05 | |
And, um, hairstyles have changed over the years, but I'm pretty confident. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:10 | |
Okey-dokey, well, it's time to put Alan's knowledge to the test, | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
as he joins me over there in the changing room over there. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:16 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:25:16 | 0:25:20 | |
OK, now, Alan has until the ref blows her whistle to name as many | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
Arsenal players as he can from just their hair. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
Your time, Alan, starts now. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
-David Seaman. -Let's have a look. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
Seamo, that's him, next one. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
-Freddie Ljungberg. -It has to be Freddie Ljungberg, Next one please. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:42 | |
Gervinho. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
Is it Gervinho? | 0:25:44 | 0:25:45 | |
Well done. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
The invisible man. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
I guess it must be a player who had no hair? | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
A totally bald one? Sol Campbell had no hair. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
It could be Sol Campbell. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
It's Patrick Vieira. Shame on you, shame on you! | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
How could you not know the greatest person to leave the club? | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
OK, let's do the next one. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:08 | |
Oh who's that? | 0:26:10 | 0:26:11 | |
Do you want a clue? | 0:26:13 | 0:26:14 | |
Give me a clue, give me a clue. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:15 | |
Is it Alan Sunderland? | 0:26:17 | 0:26:18 | |
Is it Alan Sunderland? Let's have a look. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
Yes, of course it's Alan Sunderland. Next one. What do you think? | 0:26:20 | 0:26:24 | |
Sideburns. He's not Bergkamp - Bergkamp didn't have that | 0:26:24 | 0:26:27 | |
much hair, did he? | 0:26:27 | 0:26:28 | |
Hazard a guess? | 0:26:28 | 0:26:29 | |
I'm going to go Bergkamp. I'm not sure. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
It was David Platt, yes, very good, OK. Next one, please. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:37 | |
Emmanuel Petit. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:40 | |
Is it Emmanuel Petit? | 0:26:40 | 0:26:41 | |
It's Emmanuel Petit, yes. Who could this be, Alan? | 0:26:41 | 0:26:46 | |
Not Chamakh, is it? | 0:26:46 | 0:26:47 | |
It's not Chamakh, no. I don't think his hair was quite so long. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:50 | |
It is an even worse player than Chamakh, though. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:54 | |
That's simply not true. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:55 | |
Let's see who it is. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
Alan Davies, yes! | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
Congratulations, sir. If you'd like to make your way please back to the sofa. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
Um, Jo, your talent is apparently an in-depth knowledge | 0:27:12 | 0:27:16 | |
of the work of Elvis Costello. | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
When did you first get into Elvis Costello, Jo? | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
Um, sorry. Um, when did I first get...? | 0:27:21 | 0:27:25 | |
Like, 1979. Ish. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:29 | |
OK, and how confident are you that you are going to be able | 0:27:29 | 0:27:33 | |
to prove your Elvis Costello knowledge? | 0:27:33 | 0:27:35 | |
Um, not confident at all, | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
because since the menopause, I have no memory to speak of. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:40 | |
Excellent, well, it's time to find out how much the menopause has | 0:27:40 | 0:27:44 | |
destroyed Jo Brand's memory, as we go over there to the bit over there. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:48 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
So on this board, | 0:27:54 | 0:27:55 | |
we have 12 lyrics from some of Elvis Costello's most famous songs, | 0:27:55 | 0:27:59 | |
and on this board, we have 50 words, and Jo has | 0:27:59 | 0:28:03 | |
until the buzzer sounds to fill in the blanks. Are you ready? | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
-Yeah. -OK, your time starts now. | 0:28:06 | 0:28:08 | |
OK, what have we got? | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
Is it all in that pretty little...what? | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 | |
Oh, OK, I'm seriously thinking about hiding the receiver. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 | |
I can hardly bear the sight of lipstick on the, um, cigarette, | 0:28:16 | 0:28:20 | |
I'll do it, don't worry. Come on, we're against the clock. | 0:28:20 | 0:28:22 | |
The next one - when you find strange hands in your... | 0:28:22 | 0:28:25 | |
Oh, yes, I know that one, I know that one. Your... | 0:28:25 | 0:28:28 | |
Yes, yes, in your discharge... | 0:28:28 | 0:28:32 | |
That might not be right, actually. | 0:28:32 | 0:28:33 | |
A few more to fill in. OK, is it all in that pretty little what of yours? | 0:28:33 | 0:28:37 | |
Head. | 0:28:37 | 0:28:38 | |
-I think that's from Veronica. -It is. | 0:28:38 | 0:28:40 | |
I've tasted the bitterness of my own what? | 0:28:40 | 0:28:42 | |
Lasagne. Tears, tears, tears, I think. | 0:28:42 | 0:28:44 | |
Come on, we're against the clock. | 0:28:44 | 0:28:47 | |
OK, when you find strange hands in your what? | 0:28:47 | 0:28:50 | |
-Oh... -Anything, Jo. -Sweater. | 0:28:50 | 0:28:52 | |
Sweater. OK. | 0:28:52 | 0:28:53 | |
-Quickly, Jo, the rabid rebel dogs ransack the what shop? -Pound Shop. | 0:28:53 | 0:28:58 | |
The Pound Shop? | 0:28:58 | 0:28:59 | |
And, finally, I've been on tenterhooks, ending in dirty what? | 0:28:59 | 0:29:03 | |
-Looks. -OK. | 0:29:03 | 0:29:05 | |
GONG | 0:29:05 | 0:29:07 | |
There we go, Jo, congratulations. | 0:29:07 | 0:29:09 | |
All right. | 0:29:09 | 0:29:10 | |
OK, let's see how you did. | 0:29:13 | 0:29:14 | |
I'm not going to get too sentimental like those other sticky | 0:29:14 | 0:29:17 | |
Valentines, correct. | 0:29:17 | 0:29:19 | |
Is it all in that pretty little head of yours? | 0:29:19 | 0:29:21 | |
Correct. I've tasted the bitterness of my own tears, correct. | 0:29:21 | 0:29:25 | |
-I was seriously thinking about hiding the... -Receiver. | 0:29:25 | 0:29:28 | |
Receiver from Radio Radio, correct. | 0:29:28 | 0:29:31 | |
I can hardly bear the sight of lipstick on the cigarettes, correct. | 0:29:31 | 0:29:34 | |
-When you find strange hands in your... -Sweater. | 0:29:34 | 0:29:37 | |
Sweater. Every day I write the book. | 0:29:37 | 0:29:39 | |
The rabid rebel dogs ransack... | 0:29:39 | 0:29:42 | |
That's wrong. | 0:29:42 | 0:29:43 | |
That is wrong - that's shampoo shop. | 0:29:43 | 0:29:45 | |
Fear is here to stay, love is here for a... | 0:29:45 | 0:29:47 | |
Visit. | 0:29:47 | 0:29:49 | |
Visit, Watching The Detectives correct. | 0:29:49 | 0:29:51 | |
Don't start me talking, I could talk all night. | 0:29:51 | 0:29:54 | |
Um, shake you very gently by the...throat - | 0:29:54 | 0:29:56 | |
I Don't Want To Go To Chelsea. | 0:29:56 | 0:29:58 | |
Your mind is made up, but your mouth is undone. | 0:29:58 | 0:30:00 | |
And I've been on tenterhooks, ending in dirty looks. | 0:30:00 | 0:30:03 | |
You did very well, Jo Brand, congratulations. | 0:30:03 | 0:30:06 | |
Jo Brand, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:30:06 | 0:30:08 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:30:08 | 0:30:10 | |
11 out of 12! | 0:30:10 | 0:30:13 | |
And finally, um, Rhod, you claim | 0:30:13 | 0:30:16 | |
you're so good at the French language, | 0:30:16 | 0:30:19 | |
that you could convince a real French person | 0:30:19 | 0:30:21 | |
that you are in fact French. | 0:30:21 | 0:30:22 | |
On what evidence do you base this claim, sir? | 0:30:22 | 0:30:25 | |
Um, je suis France a l'ecole. | 0:30:25 | 0:30:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:30:27 | 0:30:29 | |
So, um... | 0:30:29 | 0:30:30 | |
Tres confident, tres confident. | 0:30:30 | 0:30:32 | |
I wouldn't be. | 0:30:32 | 0:30:34 | |
Well, it's time to put big Rhod's claim to the test, | 0:30:34 | 0:30:37 | |
as he joins me over there in the bit like Blind Date, over there. | 0:30:37 | 0:30:41 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:30:41 | 0:30:43 | |
There you go, Rhod, take a seat. | 0:30:46 | 0:30:48 | |
Now, shortly, we're going to bring out a French woman, | 0:30:49 | 0:30:52 | |
who's going to listen to Rhod's French speaking. | 0:30:52 | 0:30:54 | |
However, to make this a bit more challenging, | 0:30:54 | 0:30:57 | |
Rhod is going to be going up against a couple of actual Frenchies. | 0:30:57 | 0:31:00 | |
Will you please welcome celebrity chef Jean-Christophe Novelli | 0:31:00 | 0:31:03 | |
and football legend David Ginola. | 0:31:03 | 0:31:06 | |
CHEERING | 0:31:06 | 0:31:08 | |
Here they come. | 0:31:08 | 0:31:09 | |
Bonjour, bonjour. | 0:31:10 | 0:31:12 | |
Asseyez-vous, monsieur, asseyez-vous. | 0:31:15 | 0:31:18 | |
Yes, lovely, please. | 0:31:18 | 0:31:20 | |
-(FRENCH ACCENT) -Sit yourself down. | 0:31:20 | 0:31:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:31:22 | 0:31:23 | |
Our French woman has not heard any of this. | 0:31:23 | 0:31:26 | |
All she knows is that there are three men | 0:31:26 | 0:31:27 | |
who are going to talk to her, | 0:31:27 | 0:31:29 | |
and that only two of them are French... | 0:31:29 | 0:31:31 | |
-(WELSH ACCENT) -..and one is a little liar... | 0:31:31 | 0:31:33 | |
so let's bring out our real French woman. | 0:31:33 | 0:31:35 | |
Please welcome Marianne. | 0:31:35 | 0:31:36 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:31:36 | 0:31:39 | |
Hello, bonsoir. | 0:31:39 | 0:31:40 | |
Please take a seat. | 0:31:42 | 0:31:44 | |
Bonsoir, mademoiselle. So do you think you are going to be able | 0:31:45 | 0:31:48 | |
to detect the two real French people from the fraud? | 0:31:48 | 0:31:52 | |
-I am sure. -You are sure, OK. | 0:31:52 | 0:31:54 | |
So this is how it's going to work - we have three men | 0:31:54 | 0:31:57 | |
on the other side of the screen. One of them is not French, OK? | 0:31:57 | 0:32:01 | |
So French, as we all know, is the language of love, | 0:32:01 | 0:32:04 | |
so each of our guys has a French love poem | 0:32:04 | 0:32:07 | |
that they're going to read out, | 0:32:07 | 0:32:08 | |
and you can decide which one of them is the imposter. | 0:32:08 | 0:32:11 | |
Oh, la la. I am looking forward to, mmm, discover him. | 0:32:11 | 0:32:16 | |
Number one, please read your poem. | 0:32:16 | 0:32:19 | |
Interesting, OK. | 0:32:27 | 0:32:29 | |
Number two, if you could read your poem, please. | 0:32:29 | 0:32:31 | |
-Oh, la la. -Ooh, la la. | 0:32:47 | 0:32:48 | |
And finally, numero trois, please read your poem. | 0:32:48 | 0:32:52 | |
OK... | 0:33:09 | 0:33:10 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:33:10 | 0:33:13 | |
Now, just in case Marianne isn't really sure, | 0:33:14 | 0:33:17 | |
let's really try to flush out the fake over there. | 0:33:17 | 0:33:20 | |
One of the men is not only French but is also a bit Welsh, | 0:33:20 | 0:33:23 | |
so we're going to ask all three of the guys to tell us | 0:33:23 | 0:33:26 | |
what they have planned for Christmas but in their best Welsh accents. | 0:33:26 | 0:33:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:30 | 0:33:31 | |
Number one, please - what will you be doing..."pour Noel"? | 0:33:31 | 0:33:35 | |
For Christmas, I will be returning home to Llandudno... | 0:33:35 | 0:33:39 | |
..and cooking my favourite dish... | 0:33:41 | 0:33:43 | |
..Welsh rarebit and leeks. | 0:33:44 | 0:33:47 | |
Boyo! | 0:33:48 | 0:33:50 | |
Welsh. | 0:33:52 | 0:33:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:53 | 0:33:56 | |
Number two, if you can tell us, please, | 0:33:56 | 0:33:58 | |
about your Christmas in your best Welsh. | 0:33:58 | 0:34:01 | |
Tidy. | 0:34:01 | 0:34:02 | |
For Christmas, I am returning to the Valleys. | 0:34:02 | 0:34:05 | |
I am looking forward to seeing my friends, | 0:34:08 | 0:34:12 | |
who are all rugby-playing coalminers. | 0:34:12 | 0:34:16 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:34:16 | 0:34:20 | |
And finally, number three, in your very best Welsh accent, | 0:34:23 | 0:34:25 | |
will you please tell us what you are going to be doing for Christmas? | 0:34:25 | 0:34:29 | |
(FRENCH ACCENT) Yes, tidy also. | 0:34:29 | 0:34:31 | |
For Christmas, I am also returning to the Valleys. | 0:34:33 | 0:34:37 | |
I also look forward to seeing my friends, | 0:34:37 | 0:34:42 | |
who are also all rugby-playing coalminers. | 0:34:42 | 0:34:47 | |
Boyo. | 0:34:47 | 0:34:48 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:34:48 | 0:34:51 | |
Can you do something a bit more original? | 0:34:55 | 0:34:57 | |
You just said what he just said. | 0:34:57 | 0:34:58 | |
Yes, it's very easy to pretend to be Welsh trying to be French | 0:34:58 | 0:35:01 | |
pretending to be Welsh. I'm already confused. | 0:35:01 | 0:35:03 | |
-I'm having a nervous breakdown. -Well, you came on this show... | 0:35:03 | 0:35:06 | |
-Oi, oi, you came on this show... -You asked me on the show! | 0:35:06 | 0:35:08 | |
Yeah, I asked you on the show... | 0:35:08 | 0:35:10 | |
OK, I asked you on the show, | 0:35:10 | 0:35:11 | |
number one - because David Mitchell was busy. | 0:35:11 | 0:35:13 | |
Number two - we didn't have much left in the budget, you were cheap. | 0:35:13 | 0:35:17 | |
And number three - we gave you the option | 0:35:17 | 0:35:18 | |
to pick any challenge you wanted. This is the challenge you picked. | 0:35:18 | 0:35:21 | |
-All right. -So put your mind to it, man. | 0:35:21 | 0:35:23 | |
Well, let me break something to you. David Mitchell wasn't busy. | 0:35:23 | 0:35:26 | |
He just said that cos he didn't want to do the bloody show. | 0:35:26 | 0:35:29 | |
OK, well, fine. Right now, I can see why. | 0:35:29 | 0:35:31 | |
Yeah, but right now, she knows who is the Welshman. | 0:35:31 | 0:35:34 | |
No, she doesn't. | 0:35:34 | 0:35:35 | |
(FRENCH ACCENT) Unless this is all a big bluff. | 0:35:35 | 0:35:38 | |
Unless this is a big bluff. | 0:35:38 | 0:35:40 | |
This is maybe, peut-etre, a massive bluff. | 0:35:40 | 0:35:42 | |
OK, Marianne, it's time for you to make your decision. | 0:35:42 | 0:35:44 | |
One of the men over there is not really French, | 0:35:44 | 0:35:47 | |
but is it number one, number two or number three? | 0:35:47 | 0:35:51 | |
Hmm, I would say... | 0:35:51 | 0:35:54 | |
-..that number one is French. -OK. | 0:35:55 | 0:35:58 | |
The number two is not French... | 0:35:59 | 0:36:02 | |
AUDIENCE LAUGHS | 0:36:02 | 0:36:04 | |
..and the number three's French? | 0:36:04 | 0:36:06 | |
You think so? | 0:36:07 | 0:36:09 | |
Oh, I hope so. | 0:36:09 | 0:36:10 | |
His head's so big, he won't be able to get out of here. | 0:36:12 | 0:36:14 | |
Let's find out if you're right. | 0:36:14 | 0:36:16 | |
Number one was actually not Welsh. | 0:36:16 | 0:36:19 | |
He was really celebrity chef Jean-Christophe Novelli. | 0:36:19 | 0:36:23 | |
-Bonsoir. -Bonsoir. | 0:36:25 | 0:36:27 | |
The French, you're always kissing. | 0:36:28 | 0:36:30 | |
Number two was David Ginola. | 0:36:30 | 0:36:32 | |
She thinks you're Welsh, mate. | 0:36:32 | 0:36:34 | |
-Bonsoir. -Bonsoir. Did I win that? | 0:36:36 | 0:36:38 | |
Yeah, I think you did. It's weird, isn't it? | 0:36:38 | 0:36:40 | |
You chose number two. | 0:36:40 | 0:36:41 | |
-Yes. -That was David Ginola. | 0:36:41 | 0:36:44 | |
Congratulations, Rhod. Back to the sofa. | 0:36:44 | 0:36:46 | |
I have to say, I don't think any of us saw that coming. | 0:36:53 | 0:36:56 | |
-No. -Well, we've seen all the nominations | 0:36:56 | 0:36:58 | |
for our Hidden Talent award. | 0:36:58 | 0:36:59 | |
Identifying the Arsenal players from just their hair, | 0:36:59 | 0:37:02 | |
knowledge of Elvis Costello, | 0:37:02 | 0:37:04 | |
and successfully convincing a French person that you are French, | 0:37:04 | 0:37:07 | |
which I'm still not sure if you did, but it looks like you did. | 0:37:07 | 0:37:10 | |
Well, we'd better find out what's going to win this award. | 0:37:10 | 0:37:13 | |
Judges, what is your verdict and why? | 0:37:13 | 0:37:16 | |
Very difficult, cos they were all brilliant. | 0:37:16 | 0:37:19 | |
-They were excellent. -Fantastic. | 0:37:19 | 0:37:20 | |
-But because Jo hasn't got one, I think it's got to be Jo. -Aw... | 0:37:20 | 0:37:25 | |
Yes, thank you very much. | 0:37:25 | 0:37:26 | |
So the winner of the Hidden Talent award is Jo! | 0:37:26 | 0:37:29 | |
Well, that's just about it for tonight. | 0:37:33 | 0:37:36 | |
All I need to do is award our Lucas of Lucases, | 0:37:36 | 0:37:38 | |
which tonight goes to the Most Festive Guest. | 0:37:38 | 0:37:42 | |
Mother Christmas, | 0:37:42 | 0:37:43 | |
who would you like to give this award to this evening? | 0:37:43 | 0:37:45 | |
I'm going to award it to Rhod. cos I was really impressed | 0:37:45 | 0:37:48 | |
with his French-speaking skills. | 0:37:48 | 0:37:49 | |
There you go. Congratulations, Rhod Gilbert! | 0:37:49 | 0:37:51 | |
Rhod, is there anything you'd like to say? | 0:37:56 | 0:37:58 | |
No, I'm just going to pop a bit of eyebrows on him. | 0:37:58 | 0:38:02 | |
Well, congratulations once again. | 0:38:02 | 0:38:04 | |
Thanks to all my guests - Alan Davies, Jo Brand, Rhod Gilbert - | 0:38:04 | 0:38:07 | |
to our judges, to my mum, and to you at home for watching. | 0:38:07 | 0:38:10 | |
Wishing you all a very merry Christmas | 0:38:10 | 0:38:12 | |
and happy New Year. Good night! | 0:38:12 | 0:38:14 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:38:14 | 0:38:17 |