The Matt Lucas Christmas Awards The Matt Lucas Awards


The Matt Lucas Christmas Awards

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# Hello, my friends It's time, you will surmise

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# For me to give some gongs out And the same rule still applies

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# They're not for achievements that usually get the prize

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# For this show is for those we all too seldom recognise

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# Let's review the wronged and the rejected

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# And we'll praise the ones we have neglected

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# So take your seats My ladies and my lords

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# It's the Matt Lucas Show Awards!

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# Lucas Awards! #

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I'm afraid, it's the Matt Lucas Christmas Awards!

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So please welcome your host, Matt Lucas.

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Hello!

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Thank you, thank you.

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Thank you, thank you.

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Hello there, hello there, hello there.

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Hello there. Hello!

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Hello. Yes, welcome to the Matt Lucas Christmas Awards,

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the show that gives the Christmas awards

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other Christmas shows don't give.

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Unfortunately, Father Christmas can't be here with us tonight,

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but we do have the next best thing - please welcome Mother Christmas!

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APPLAUSE

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And providing the nominations, we have Alan Davies, Jo Brand,

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and Rhod Gilbert. Thank you very much for joining me.

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As ever, the winners of each award are decided by a panel

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of judges, who this week are the stars of pantomime.

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Please welcome Bonnie Langford, Ted Robbins, Bob Carolgees

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and Spit The Dog.

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So let's get on with our first award.

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Now my favourite part of Christmas is showing people I've gone off them

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by not sending them a Christmas card.

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So if you're watching and you didn't get one,

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it's cos we're no longer friends,

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so please stop bothering me! We're not doing the double act again.

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But what of our guests?

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Nominations, please, for people you'd most like

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to leave off the Christmas card list.

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Rhod.

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People who remove their eyebrows and then replace them

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with a bit of home-made, drawn-on eyebrows.

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-Alan.

-Dog owners.

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And Jo.

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People who have had their teeth whitened or anything done

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-to their face.

-Okey-dokey.

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So, Rhod, why have you gone for people who shave off their eyebrows?

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It's just my thing in life I'm noticing. I just...

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I genuinely, genuinely think we're going to look back on this

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period of eyebrow fashion

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as something that's just insane.

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I think people just look absolutely insane.

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But it's the fact that you can see where they're supposed to be,

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the sort of visible bony protuberance like a chicken's back,

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that's sort of...you can see where the eyebrows are supposed to be.

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I just think we're going to look back on this period

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and think what...we've just gone bonkers.

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Drawn-on eyebrows don't work.

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Eyebrows are a thing, they're supposed to keep out dust

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and rain, and they, you know, they... tear, I don't know, sweat...

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-Keep out rain?

-Well, yes, you know.

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Oh, it's raining, you'd better make sure your eyebrows

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-are in good nick.

-Wind them out like that.

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Exactly, they're umbrellas for the eyes.

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Well, let's... Umbrellas for the eyes?

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They're functional, they've evolved for a reason.

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Drawn-on eyebrows don't work.

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Cos if you could, if you had a like a rubber,

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you could constantly change your expression, couldn't you?

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Evil.

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Amazed. Roger Moore.

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You could, but the beauty of the original eyebrow that

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we're all blessed with - or most of us, no offence.

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LAUGHTER

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I've just realised looking at you, I thought, "Oh, Christ,

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"this was the wrong show to bring this..." There's only one host

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in the world without eyebrows, and I go on his show.

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Just sit this bit out, I can't tell if you're annoyed.

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That's the problem.

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LAUGHTER

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Rhod. Rhod.

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Rhod, you don't know, but I'm absolutely livid right now.

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Yeah, but we have a photo of the kind of thing you mean here.

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There we go, there's Christina Aguilera.

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Look you can see where the eyebrow is supposed to be -

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the skin is sort of shining like where it's supposed to be.

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Rhod, have you ever been tempted to sort of shave yours off

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and then draw some new ones on?

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No, they don't work. Anything... Like, if you cut your nose off

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-and draw on a separate nose, it's not going to work as a nose.

-No.

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You can't blow a drawn-on nose. You can't... Right, I'll show you.

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Look, I've brought things to show, anything you want.

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I'm not happy with my arms, I'd rather... Actually,

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I'm not happy with my...Clifford, right? There we are.

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Your Clifford?

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There we are, sorry.

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I'll just draw on a better one.

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How about that? There it is, that's me from now on.

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It's not going to work, it's not... Apart from anything,

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it hasn't got a hole on the end. It's not going to work.

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It's not going to... Anything drawn on is not going to work.

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I could draw eyebrows on you if you want.

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Hang on a minute, now I'm not the only thing that's bald. Look.

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This is you actually. Now, look, there we go.

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-Thank you very much, yeah. Yeah, thank you.

-You can have that.

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Would you like to draw some eyebrows on me?

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-Is this what we're getting at?

-I'd love to draw eyebrows on you.

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-This is just...

-Oh, right. OK.

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Where do eyebrows go? This is the...?

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-That's a guide.

-I know roughly.

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-Oh, yeah. OK, yeah, I see.

-So do you want me to hold them up like that?

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-Yeah, you hold them up like that.

-OK.

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Do a mono brow.

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Oh, no, let's do...

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I can give you a bit of a comb-over as well, if you want.

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This feels humiliating.

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Some people have their eyebrows tattooed, don't they?

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-Have you seen that?

-Yeah.

-And eyelashes tattooed as well.

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I've heard of it. I think we'll look back on this period

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and think we've just lost the plot.

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Eyebrows wise.

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Thank you very much, Rodney, I feel you've given us

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a very persuasive argument there.

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Now, Alan, I could take a lot of offence at your nomination,

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because I myself am a dog owner.

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So what's wrong with people like me?

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The dog owners...

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Not all dog owners, Matt. I'm sure you're not like this.

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..seem to think the dogs are more important than the children

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-of the world.

-Right.

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And when you have children, they don't really care

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how they behave towards them. So if we take the kids out for a walk,

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they're constantly... My little boy who's two, likes to have a stick,

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and he's constantly having to fall on his stick and protect it along

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with all his other vital organs, while dogs sniff all around him,

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and owners stand nearby huffing and tutting. And eventually, he starts

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to sob. And then one of the owners said to me... I said,

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"You should apologise, cos he's knocked him over and he's upset."

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And she goes, "Well, it's your fault,

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"because your child's afraid of dogs."

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I said, "He's one."

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She goes, "Well, the dog's six months."

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Jo, do you share Alan's view here?

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Well, I have children and certainly when they were small,

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they were assailed by dogs.

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My oldest daughter's... Actually, a dog jumped up

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onto her pushchair, knocked it over, and all hell was let loose,

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as the owner came running towards the dog shouting,

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"Britney, come here!"

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What about all the poo on the floor

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and the constant bags of poo left on people's...?

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My daughter doesn't do that now.

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See, I would take issue with that, the bags of poo, the poo on the floor

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and stuff, cos as a new dog owner -

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I've got a puppy, just six weeks ago -

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and I've been struck by the selfishness of non dog owners.

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-Really?

-The stuff they leave on the floor.

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-What?

-As it happens, I've got an inventory here,

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of objects I've removed from my puppy's mouth only yesterday.

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This is on a walk through central London where we live. This is it.

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I saved her life about 46 times in nine minutes.

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This is what other non dog owners have thrown on the ground and

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my dog got in her mouth, and I had to reach in and fetch it out, right?

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Five chewing gums, nine cigarette butts,

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two balloons, an AA battery, three fliers for Indian takeaway

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and a copy of Frank Lampard's autobiography.

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Is what my puppy got stuck in her mouth yesterday

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-going into Hyde Park.

-When your child looks up at you

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and is wielding a four-day-old, dried-up dog turd and is about

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to chew on it, I would regard that as a more serious situation.

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I would regard that as a vegetarian sausage.

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Bob, you're a dog owner.

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Alan has nominated dog owners here

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as people not to be on the Christmas card list -

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what do you what do you say in response to that?

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Yeah, I... Being a dog owner, personally, with this dog,

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I have had a lifetime of horror.

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You know what I mean.

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DOG SPITS

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So, Jo, like Rhod, you object to vanity,

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you won't be sending a Christmas card to people who've had

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-their teeth whitened, is that right?

-That's right.

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Why would that be?

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Well, because first of all, I think it looks unnatural

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and it's frightening. And that might have something to do with

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the fact that when I was a kid, my grandad told me

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that his false teeth used to go and cut the lawn during the night.

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So I could believe that they...that there's...

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they look like false teeth, whitened teeth. They're not natural.

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British people's teeth are yellow with big brown blobs on them,

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and that's what I like.

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Um, and the ones I accuse mainly of this are the entire cast

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-of The Only Way Is Essex.

-Right, OK.

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-Particularly Joey Essex.

-Well, we have a photo here

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of Joey Essex, I believe. There you go.

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Don't you think they look unnatural and a bit scary? They do.

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I would never snog someone like that for fear of them coming out

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and biting my eyebrows off, and then I'd have to paint them on.

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Jo, it's not just teeth whitening you have an issue with -

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-it's all cosmetic procedures, is that right?

-It is, really,

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cos I think it's very sad that...

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And it is women particularly who want to deny that they're ageing.

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Because we'll get this situation where you know a woman will

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kind of look 25, and then a man will go to grasp her bum,

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and it will come off, cos she's so old.

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I think that that's quite scary.

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Have you ever considered getting any work done yourself?

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-If you did, what would you get?

-I'd have me head taken off.

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-Do you want me to draw you a new one, Jo?

-Yes, please.

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And then I'd have Rhod's put on Monday to Thursday

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and Alan's put on Friday to Sunday.

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Judges, have any of you had plastic surgery?

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I leant a mate of mine 3,000 quid to have plastic surgery,

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but now I don't know what he looks like and I can't get the money back.

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We'd never have anything done, would we?

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Thank you very much. Well, it's time to find out from our judges

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who is going to win the Lucas for people you'd most like

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to leave off the Christmas card list.

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Will it be people who shave their eyebrows off

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and draw on replacements,

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dog owners, or people who have had their teeth whitened?

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Judges, what is your verdict and why?

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The thing about a Christmas card is that you open your Christmas card

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and you go, "Oh, isn't that lovely?"

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But if they've got their eyebrows permanently surprised anyway,

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you don't need a card.

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So don't bother with the Christmas card for the permanently

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surprised people who've painted their own eyebrows on.

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So the winner of the Lucas for the people you'd most like to leave

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off the Christmas card list is... people who do their eyebrows!

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Time for our next award.

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Now, we all look forward to our Christmas dinner, don't we?

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The turkey, the stuffing, the roast potatoes, the peas, the carrots,

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the sprouts, the chipolatas, the gravy, the cranberry sauce, the more

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turkey, the more roast potatoes, the pudding, the brandy butter, the more

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pudding, the more brandy butter, the bloating, the flatulence,

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the shame, the regret, the self-loathing, the anger, the blame.

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And then the last remaining potato.

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But after all that over-indulgence,

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how can we best shift the extra pounds?

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Serve up your nominations, please,

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for Most Effective Post-Christmas Diet.

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Alan.

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Carb-free Diet, Matt.

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Rhod.

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Stop Eating Like A Dog Diet.

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And Jo.

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Not Being Me Diet.

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Okey-dokeys. So, Alan,

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obviously being naturally very thin, I never really had to look

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into diets, but tell us why you've gone for the Carb-free Diet?

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I had an incident once when I was in a restaurant,

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and I'd had a pizza and some garlic bread and some dough balls,

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and I went into some sort of a collapse,

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where I had to put my head on the table,

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and my wife had to take me home.

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Something told me that there was I had the wrong blend of food groups.

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This was followed by a period of bloating that lasted

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-well into Newsnight.

-Right.

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I was asked to play Jonathan Creek again after a five-year hiatus.

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I weighed myself and I was a stone more than

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he had been in the past,

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and I decided that I didn't want to be a bloaty Creek,

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I wanted to be the slender, lithe Creek of my youth.

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Did you not fit in the Creek?

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I could no longer get in the required garments.

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Too fat to get in the Creek.

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I couldn't. I was too tired and bloated.

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I had to cut down on carbs to get any zip about my investigating.

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"Whodunnit?" "I don't care, I want a lie down."

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"Too tired because of the garlic bread and the dough balls.

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"You solve it!"

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OK, so you went from one extreme to another.

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Were there any side effects to going carb-free?

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You're hungry a lot of the time.

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Right.

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Rhod, what is the Stop Eating Like A Dog Diet?

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The... Yeah, I've just coined that,

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branded that, the Stop Eating Like A Dog Diet.

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I just think that the best way... The question is Most Effective

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Post-Christmas Diet,

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and I think that, at Christmas, we tend to pretty much eat like dogs.

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We just... Dogs will eat until they die.

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Just relentlessly eat and eat everything they're offered

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and just keep eating until they die if you let them.

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And I think that is pretty much what we all do at Christmas.

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And so the Most Effective Post-Christmas Diet would be

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stop doing that.

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They do... They sort of don't know when they're hungry.

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I have two dogs, and one of them... You know, they normally poo

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twice a day, and one of my dogs poo'd eight times one day.

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And I couldn't work it out. Then I found the bag of dog food.

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He'd eaten...bitten a hole in the bag

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and had just gone there

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and was basically eating all day. And when I found him,

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he had his head there eating and was doing a shit at the same time.

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Yeah, it's true, that was the eighth shit of the day.

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We used to have two dogs.

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One Christmas, they'd gone into the lounge where they weren't

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meant to be, got under the tree - we had a Retriever and an Alsatian -

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got into a tin of Quality Street, sorry,

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got into a tin of assorted chocolates.

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What were they, Quality Street?

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May have been Roses, can't remember.

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Got all the wrappers off with their tiny little teeth

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and ate all the chocolates but left all the wrappers in the tin.

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-Did they eat the green triangles?

-All of them.

-Wow.

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That's commitment.

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Plainly, they're inhuman.

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They are inhuman, it's true. And well done on spotting that.

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Jo, tell us about your nomination - not being you.

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Because I'm useless at losing weight either after Christmas

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of before Christmas.

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I mean, I've had a weight problem probably since I was

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a teenager when I went on the pill

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and put on four stone, um, so...

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-A lot bigger than the pill, wasn't it?

-Uh?

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It was.

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-That wasn't the pill, that was a wagon wheel.

-Was it?

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I wish I'd enjoyed it more.

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No, I did, I put on four stone in about three months

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-when I went on the pill.

-Three months?

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Yeah, so that proved to be a very affective contraceptive, obviously.

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Um...

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You know, my husband really wants me to lose weight as well,

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but he can't bear to say it straight out, so he hints, like,

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for my birthday, he got me a dress that was two sizes too small, right?

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Handed it over and said, "Look forward to seeing you in it,"

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so for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

0:16:220:16:25

I had a friend who had a cat that was getting a bit overweight,

0:16:290:16:31

and the cat was getting bigger and bigger,

0:16:310:16:33

so they put a note on the cat's collar saying,

0:16:330:16:35

"If you are feeding this cat, please ring this number."

0:16:350:16:38

And seven people rang up.

0:16:380:16:40

It was going to seven different houses every day

0:16:400:16:44

and acting starved

0:16:440:16:46

to the point where someone thought they were just keeping it alive.

0:16:460:16:50

Cos my husband pins a note on me every time I go out,

0:16:500:16:54

I can't see what it says.

0:16:540:16:56

So, you come home, he's going, "Thanks for ringing, no carbs."

0:16:570:17:02

So what is going to win

0:17:030:17:05

the Lucas for Most Effective Post-Christmas Diet?

0:17:050:17:07

Will it be the Carb-free Diet, the Stop Eating Like A Dog Diet,

0:17:070:17:10

or Not Being Jo.

0:17:100:17:12

Judges, what is your verdict and why?

0:17:120:17:15

I mean, we can't go for the dog one, can we?

0:17:150:17:17

No, it would be upset.

0:17:170:17:19

Probably a lot of us certainly over Christmas try and have a bit

0:17:190:17:23

too much carbs, I agree with that. I personally wouldn't cut them

0:17:230:17:25

out completely, but I think that's the most sensible. What do you think?

0:17:250:17:29

DOS SPITS As always.

0:17:290:17:31

So the winner of the Lucas for Most Effective Post-Christmas Diet is...

0:17:310:17:35

non-carbs.

0:17:350:17:36

So, time for another Christmas-themed Christmas award

0:17:410:17:44

for Christmas, in which we celebrate the birth of Jesus...

0:17:440:17:48

Move up the Autocue.

0:17:480:17:49

..Christ, yes.

0:17:500:17:52

Now, I much prefer giving than receiving -

0:17:520:17:55

I just find it a lot more pleasurable.

0:17:550:17:58

But have my guests found receiving as uncomfortable as me?

0:17:580:18:02

Nominations, please,

0:18:020:18:04

for the Most Disappointing Christmas Present Ever Received.

0:18:040:18:08

Jo.

0:18:080:18:10

Um, a kitten.

0:18:100:18:12

Alan.

0:18:120:18:13

A bat box.

0:18:130:18:14

And, R Hod.

0:18:140:18:16

Home-made board games.

0:18:160:18:19

So, Jo, why have you nominated a kitten for your most

0:18:190:18:23

disappointing Christmas present?

0:18:230:18:25

Because if you don't mind me saying, that's...you come across as a bit ungrateful?

0:18:250:18:28

Um, well, what happened was, I was probably about five or six

0:18:300:18:33

at the time, and my mum and dad bought me and my brothers

0:18:330:18:36

a kitten for Christmas, and, um, it escaped and went up the chimney.

0:18:360:18:42

So on Christmas Day, um, it was up there,

0:18:420:18:46

and it wouldn't come down, and so we didn't have a Christmas present,

0:18:460:18:49

and so we were quite disappointed, and so they tried various methods

0:18:490:18:55

of getting it out, like lit a fire, which I thought was a bit cruel.

0:18:550:18:59

Did you get a hoover and attach a pipe and try and suck it down?

0:18:590:19:02

No, but I wish we had.

0:19:020:19:04

Put some cat food at the bottom in a little saucer

0:19:040:19:08

to try and lure it down, sent a small child up, um, and then

0:19:080:19:13

eventually, after about four days, it just dropped dead into the grate.

0:19:130:19:17

It didn't, really.

0:19:180:19:20

Um, it did eventually come down, but by that time, it was four days

0:19:220:19:25

after Christmas, so what was the point of that?

0:19:250:19:28

And yet for all these woes, you are now an ambassador of, um,

0:19:280:19:32

-the charity International Animal Rescue, aren't you?

-I am.

0:19:320:19:35

Oh, is that like Thunderbirds but with animals?

0:19:350:19:38

That's why I agreed to it,

0:19:400:19:42

cos I thought I might meet the Tracy Brothers.

0:19:420:19:44

-Right.

-Meow!

0:19:440:19:46

Yes, I am. I am an ambassador for International Animal Rescue.

0:19:460:19:51

-What does that involve?

-Not much.

0:19:510:19:53

No.

0:19:530:19:55

"Cats and dogs are go!"

0:19:550:19:57

Do you do a lot of charity work, Rhod, or are you more the recipient?

0:19:570:20:01

LAUGHTER

0:20:010:20:03

I'm not sure that question needs an answer, I think. I think

0:20:030:20:06

the joke was in the question!

0:20:060:20:08

Alan, um, your nomination is a bat box. What is a bat box, please?

0:20:080:20:13

Well, I was, when I was small, one of my mum's friends came

0:20:130:20:17

round with some presents for us, and they went under the tree.

0:20:170:20:20

I had an older brother and a younger sister, I still do,

0:20:200:20:23

and my present was noticeably bigger than theirs. I mean, it was a really

0:20:230:20:27

substantial item, it was the biggest one under the tree. I thought

0:20:270:20:30

it was quite likely to be some sort of car racing game or something

0:20:300:20:34

exciting. I couldn't wait to open it. Opened it up, and it was

0:20:340:20:38

a wooden box with a slot in the bottom of it,

0:20:380:20:41

and she said, it's a bat box.

0:20:410:20:44

We've actually got one here.

0:20:440:20:46

There you go - was it a bit like that?

0:20:460:20:48

It was quite a lot bigger than that or maybe

0:20:480:20:49

I was just a lot smaller than I am now.

0:20:490:20:52

Could be. Could be. Could be both.

0:20:520:20:53

You're supposed to put it on your house,

0:20:530:20:55

and bats go and live in it, but my father put it in the shed.

0:20:550:20:58

So you... We never spoke of it again. He didn't want bats living on the side of the house.

0:21:000:21:04

-Have a look at that.

-There's the slot, that's it, a slot like that.

-There's the slot and of course...

0:21:040:21:08

They go in there and they hang upside down and they love it up there.

0:21:080:21:11

What's in there? Like an arcade or something? What's there to do?

0:21:110:21:15

How do you get word out to the bat community that there's a new abode,

0:21:150:21:18

how do you let the bats know?

0:21:180:21:20

When I... As a kid, I grew up in the country

0:21:200:21:23

and I would have loved a bat box, actually.

0:21:230:21:25

You'd never get in there.

0:21:250:21:27

Not for me.

0:21:290:21:30

Now, Rhod, tell me why you've nominated home-made board games?

0:21:320:21:35

My dad used to do it a lot, home-made board games.

0:21:350:21:38

I can remember one famous incident where he... I can remember

0:21:380:21:41

ripping open this paper, and "Buckaroo" it said, "Buckaroo".

0:21:410:21:46

Buckaroo, yeah.

0:21:460:21:48

In felt tip pen. Literally "Clarks Shoes" crossed out underneath.

0:21:500:21:54

A home-made Buckaroo.

0:21:570:21:59

For those of you who don't know what Buckaroo is,

0:21:590:22:01

because it's not an app, let's have a look at an advert for it.

0:22:010:22:08

Oh, no! I can't carry one more thing!

0:22:080:22:11

It's Buckaroo!

0:22:110:22:13

How much gear can you load on before he kicks? Careful now,

0:22:130:22:16

or he'll buck, buck, Buckaroo!

0:22:160:22:19

OK, that was real Buckaroo there,

0:22:190:22:20

but, Rhod, that wasn't what you received for Christmas, was it?

0:22:200:22:23

No, it wasn't exactly that. Perhaps you'd like to show people what I received for Christmas, Matt.

0:22:230:22:27

OK, so we don't have the exact present that you received, because

0:22:270:22:29

you probably hurled it into a lake or something through frustration.

0:22:290:22:32

You guys have knocked up a faithful reproduction for me.

0:22:320:22:35

We've got a sort of a repro there for you.

0:22:350:22:38

You can see that, I'll tip off these.

0:22:380:22:41

It's essentially a Barbie horse gaffer-taped to a cheeseboard.

0:22:460:22:49

Yep.

0:22:490:22:50

It's cheaper to get an actual Buckaroo.

0:22:500:22:53

This is the really weird bit,

0:22:530:22:55

is that this stuff was the real stuff from a Buckaroo set.

0:22:550:22:58

He bought the game and then sort of threw away the horse?

0:22:580:23:01

I don't...I don't know, but...

0:23:010:23:04

People say to me, how does it flip up?

0:23:040:23:06

But you're going, it doesn't. It doesn't flip up.

0:23:060:23:09

You just hang this stuff up until...

0:23:090:23:10

You put it on. Oh, exciting.

0:23:100:23:12

Until one of the hooks just gives up.

0:23:120:23:15

Always the same hook?

0:23:180:23:19

Oh, yeah, to be honest, once one of the hooks is loosened.

0:23:200:23:24

You tend to avoid it.

0:23:240:23:26

You tend to avoid that hook.

0:23:260:23:27

It's basically just until the glue just sort of relents

0:23:300:23:33

and gives up - really, that's it, that's the game.

0:23:330:23:35

OK, so it's time to go over to the judges and find out what is going

0:23:350:23:39

to win the Lucas for Most Disappointing Christmas Present Ever received.

0:23:390:23:42

Will it be a kitten, a bat box or home-made board games?

0:23:420:23:46

Judges, what is your verdict and why?

0:23:460:23:49

For sheer disappointment and thinking it was a Scalextrix

0:23:500:23:53

or other similar type of game, the bat box for Alan, very disappointing.

0:23:530:23:58

Thank you very much and the winner of the Lucas

0:23:580:24:00

for Most Disappointing Christmas Present Ever Received has to be the bat box.

0:24:000:24:04

APPLAUSE

0:24:040:24:06

Time for our final Lucas of the night - it's our Hidden Talent award,

0:24:100:24:13

when we discover the special skills our guests normally keep

0:24:130:24:16

close to their chest. Your nominations, please...Alan.

0:24:160:24:20

I can name Arsenal players by their haircuts.

0:24:200:24:23

Jo.

0:24:230:24:24

I have an encyclopaedic knowledge of Elvis Costello songs.

0:24:240:24:27

And Rhod.

0:24:270:24:29

I'm so good at French, I can convince a French person I'm French.

0:24:290:24:32

So, Alan, like me, you support # By far the greatest team the world

0:24:320:24:37

# Has ever seen, and it's Ar-se-nal

0:24:370:24:42

# Arsenal FC. # Don't you?

0:24:420:24:45

I used to see you over at Highbury back in the day,

0:24:450:24:47

before you became hugely successful and got a box.

0:24:470:24:50

But also, they don't play at Highbury any more,

0:24:500:24:52

that was one of the other reasons. Are you still going to Highbury?

0:24:520:24:55

Yeah, but we did see each other occasionally, didn't we?

0:24:570:25:01

-Used to see you, yeah.

-I do love going. I've been going along since I was in...primary school.

0:25:010:25:05

And, um, hairstyles have changed over the years, but I'm pretty confident.

0:25:050:25:10

Okey-dokey, well, it's time to put Alan's knowledge to the test,

0:25:100:25:13

as he joins me over there in the changing room over there.

0:25:130:25:16

APPLAUSE

0:25:160:25:20

OK, now, Alan has until the ref blows her whistle to name as many

0:25:230:25:26

Arsenal players as he can from just their hair.

0:25:260:25:29

Your time, Alan, starts now.

0:25:290:25:32

-David Seaman.

-Let's have a look.

0:25:330:25:36

Seamo, that's him, next one.

0:25:360:25:38

-Freddie Ljungberg.

-It has to be Freddie Ljungberg, Next one please.

0:25:380:25:42

Gervinho.

0:25:420:25:44

Is it Gervinho?

0:25:440:25:45

Well done.

0:25:450:25:47

The invisible man.

0:25:500:25:52

I guess it must be a player who had no hair?

0:25:540:25:56

A totally bald one? Sol Campbell had no hair.

0:25:560:25:59

It could be Sol Campbell.

0:25:590:26:01

It's Patrick Vieira. Shame on you, shame on you!

0:26:010:26:04

How could you not know the greatest person to leave the club?

0:26:040:26:07

OK, let's do the next one.

0:26:070:26:08

Oh who's that?

0:26:100:26:11

Do you want a clue?

0:26:130:26:14

Give me a clue, give me a clue.

0:26:140:26:15

Is it Alan Sunderland?

0:26:170:26:18

Is it Alan Sunderland? Let's have a look.

0:26:180:26:20

Yes, of course it's Alan Sunderland. Next one. What do you think?

0:26:200:26:24

Sideburns. He's not Bergkamp - Bergkamp didn't have that

0:26:240:26:27

much hair, did he?

0:26:270:26:28

Hazard a guess?

0:26:280:26:29

I'm going to go Bergkamp. I'm not sure.

0:26:290:26:31

It was David Platt, yes, very good, OK. Next one, please.

0:26:310:26:37

Emmanuel Petit.

0:26:390:26:40

Is it Emmanuel Petit?

0:26:400:26:41

It's Emmanuel Petit, yes. Who could this be, Alan?

0:26:410:26:46

Not Chamakh, is it?

0:26:460:26:47

It's not Chamakh, no. I don't think his hair was quite so long.

0:26:470:26:50

It is an even worse player than Chamakh, though.

0:26:500:26:54

That's simply not true.

0:26:540:26:55

Let's see who it is.

0:26:550:26:57

Alan Davies, yes!

0:26:580:27:00

APPLAUSE

0:27:000:27:03

Congratulations, sir. If you'd like to make your way please back to the sofa.

0:27:030:27:06

Um, Jo, your talent is apparently an in-depth knowledge

0:27:120:27:16

of the work of Elvis Costello.

0:27:160:27:19

When did you first get into Elvis Costello, Jo?

0:27:190:27:21

Um, sorry. Um, when did I first get...?

0:27:210:27:25

Like, 1979. Ish.

0:27:250:27:29

OK, and how confident are you that you are going to be able

0:27:290:27:33

to prove your Elvis Costello knowledge?

0:27:330:27:35

Um, not confident at all,

0:27:350:27:37

because since the menopause, I have no memory to speak of.

0:27:370:27:40

Excellent, well, it's time to find out how much the menopause has

0:27:400:27:44

destroyed Jo Brand's memory, as we go over there to the bit over there.

0:27:440:27:48

APPLAUSE

0:27:480:27:51

So on this board,

0:27:540:27:55

we have 12 lyrics from some of Elvis Costello's most famous songs,

0:27:550:27:59

and on this board, we have 50 words, and Jo has

0:27:590:28:03

until the buzzer sounds to fill in the blanks. Are you ready?

0:28:030:28:06

-Yeah.

-OK, your time starts now.

0:28:060:28:08

OK, what have we got?

0:28:080:28:10

Is it all in that pretty little...what?

0:28:100:28:12

Oh, OK, I'm seriously thinking about hiding the receiver.

0:28:130:28:16

I can hardly bear the sight of lipstick on the, um, cigarette,

0:28:160:28:20

I'll do it, don't worry. Come on, we're against the clock.

0:28:200:28:22

The next one - when you find strange hands in your...

0:28:220:28:25

Oh, yes, I know that one, I know that one. Your...

0:28:250:28:28

Yes, yes, in your discharge...

0:28:280:28:32

That might not be right, actually.

0:28:320:28:33

A few more to fill in. OK, is it all in that pretty little what of yours?

0:28:330:28:37

Head.

0:28:370:28:38

-I think that's from Veronica.

-It is.

0:28:380:28:40

I've tasted the bitterness of my own what?

0:28:400:28:42

Lasagne. Tears, tears, tears, I think.

0:28:420:28:44

Come on, we're against the clock.

0:28:440:28:47

OK, when you find strange hands in your what?

0:28:470:28:50

-Oh...

-Anything, Jo.

-Sweater.

0:28:500:28:52

Sweater. OK.

0:28:520:28:53

-Quickly, Jo, the rabid rebel dogs ransack the what shop?

-Pound Shop.

0:28:530:28:58

The Pound Shop?

0:28:580:28:59

And, finally, I've been on tenterhooks, ending in dirty what?

0:28:590:29:03

-Looks.

-OK.

0:29:030:29:05

GONG

0:29:050:29:07

There we go, Jo, congratulations.

0:29:070:29:09

All right.

0:29:090:29:10

OK, let's see how you did.

0:29:130:29:14

I'm not going to get too sentimental like those other sticky

0:29:140:29:17

Valentines, correct.

0:29:170:29:19

Is it all in that pretty little head of yours?

0:29:190:29:21

Correct. I've tasted the bitterness of my own tears, correct.

0:29:210:29:25

-I was seriously thinking about hiding the...

-Receiver.

0:29:250:29:28

Receiver from Radio Radio, correct.

0:29:280:29:31

I can hardly bear the sight of lipstick on the cigarettes, correct.

0:29:310:29:34

-When you find strange hands in your...

-Sweater.

0:29:340:29:37

Sweater. Every day I write the book.

0:29:370:29:39

The rabid rebel dogs ransack...

0:29:390:29:42

That's wrong.

0:29:420:29:43

That is wrong - that's shampoo shop.

0:29:430:29:45

Fear is here to stay, love is here for a...

0:29:450:29:47

Visit.

0:29:470:29:49

Visit, Watching The Detectives correct.

0:29:490:29:51

Don't start me talking, I could talk all night.

0:29:510:29:54

Um, shake you very gently by the...throat -

0:29:540:29:56

I Don't Want To Go To Chelsea.

0:29:560:29:58

Your mind is made up, but your mouth is undone.

0:29:580:30:00

And I've been on tenterhooks, ending in dirty looks.

0:30:000:30:03

You did very well, Jo Brand, congratulations.

0:30:030:30:06

Jo Brand, ladies and gentlemen.

0:30:060:30:08

APPLAUSE

0:30:080:30:10

11 out of 12!

0:30:100:30:13

And finally, um, Rhod, you claim

0:30:130:30:16

you're so good at the French language,

0:30:160:30:19

that you could convince a real French person

0:30:190:30:21

that you are in fact French.

0:30:210:30:22

On what evidence do you base this claim, sir?

0:30:220:30:25

Um, je suis France a l'ecole.

0:30:250:30:27

LAUGHTER

0:30:270:30:29

So, um...

0:30:290:30:30

Tres confident, tres confident.

0:30:300:30:32

I wouldn't be.

0:30:320:30:34

Well, it's time to put big Rhod's claim to the test,

0:30:340:30:37

as he joins me over there in the bit like Blind Date, over there.

0:30:370:30:41

APPLAUSE

0:30:410:30:43

There you go, Rhod, take a seat.

0:30:460:30:48

Now, shortly, we're going to bring out a French woman,

0:30:490:30:52

who's going to listen to Rhod's French speaking.

0:30:520:30:54

However, to make this a bit more challenging,

0:30:540:30:57

Rhod is going to be going up against a couple of actual Frenchies.

0:30:570:31:00

Will you please welcome celebrity chef Jean-Christophe Novelli

0:31:000:31:03

and football legend David Ginola.

0:31:030:31:06

CHEERING

0:31:060:31:08

Here they come.

0:31:080:31:09

Bonjour, bonjour.

0:31:100:31:12

Asseyez-vous, monsieur, asseyez-vous.

0:31:150:31:18

Yes, lovely, please.

0:31:180:31:20

-(FRENCH ACCENT)

-Sit yourself down.

0:31:200:31:22

LAUGHTER

0:31:220:31:23

Our French woman has not heard any of this.

0:31:230:31:26

All she knows is that there are three men

0:31:260:31:27

who are going to talk to her,

0:31:270:31:29

and that only two of them are French...

0:31:290:31:31

-(WELSH ACCENT)

-..and one is a little liar...

0:31:310:31:33

so let's bring out our real French woman.

0:31:330:31:35

Please welcome Marianne.

0:31:350:31:36

APPLAUSE

0:31:360:31:39

Hello, bonsoir.

0:31:390:31:40

Please take a seat.

0:31:420:31:44

Bonsoir, mademoiselle. So do you think you are going to be able

0:31:450:31:48

to detect the two real French people from the fraud?

0:31:480:31:52

-I am sure.

-You are sure, OK.

0:31:520:31:54

So this is how it's going to work - we have three men

0:31:540:31:57

on the other side of the screen. One of them is not French, OK?

0:31:570:32:01

So French, as we all know, is the language of love,

0:32:010:32:04

so each of our guys has a French love poem

0:32:040:32:07

that they're going to read out,

0:32:070:32:08

and you can decide which one of them is the imposter.

0:32:080:32:11

Oh, la la. I am looking forward to, mmm, discover him.

0:32:110:32:16

Number one, please read your poem.

0:32:160:32:19

Interesting, OK.

0:32:270:32:29

Number two, if you could read your poem, please.

0:32:290:32:31

-Oh, la la.

-Ooh, la la.

0:32:470:32:48

And finally, numero trois, please read your poem.

0:32:480:32:52

OK...

0:33:090:33:10

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:33:100:33:13

Now, just in case Marianne isn't really sure,

0:33:140:33:17

let's really try to flush out the fake over there.

0:33:170:33:20

One of the men is not only French but is also a bit Welsh,

0:33:200:33:23

so we're going to ask all three of the guys to tell us

0:33:230:33:26

what they have planned for Christmas but in their best Welsh accents.

0:33:260:33:30

LAUGHTER

0:33:300:33:31

Number one, please - what will you be doing..."pour Noel"?

0:33:310:33:35

For Christmas, I will be returning home to Llandudno...

0:33:350:33:39

..and cooking my favourite dish...

0:33:410:33:43

..Welsh rarebit and leeks.

0:33:440:33:47

Boyo!

0:33:480:33:50

Welsh.

0:33:520:33:53

LAUGHTER

0:33:530:33:56

Number two, if you can tell us, please,

0:33:560:33:58

about your Christmas in your best Welsh.

0:33:580:34:01

Tidy.

0:34:010:34:02

For Christmas, I am returning to the Valleys.

0:34:020:34:05

I am looking forward to seeing my friends,

0:34:080:34:12

who are all rugby-playing coalminers.

0:34:120:34:16

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:34:160:34:20

And finally, number three, in your very best Welsh accent,

0:34:230:34:25

will you please tell us what you are going to be doing for Christmas?

0:34:250:34:29

(FRENCH ACCENT) Yes, tidy also.

0:34:290:34:31

For Christmas, I am also returning to the Valleys.

0:34:330:34:37

I also look forward to seeing my friends,

0:34:370:34:42

who are also all rugby-playing coalminers.

0:34:420:34:47

Boyo.

0:34:470:34:48

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:34:480:34:51

Can you do something a bit more original?

0:34:550:34:57

You just said what he just said.

0:34:570:34:58

Yes, it's very easy to pretend to be Welsh trying to be French

0:34:580:35:01

pretending to be Welsh. I'm already confused.

0:35:010:35:03

-I'm having a nervous breakdown.

-Well, you came on this show...

0:35:030:35:06

-Oi, oi, you came on this show...

-You asked me on the show!

0:35:060:35:08

Yeah, I asked you on the show...

0:35:080:35:10

OK, I asked you on the show,

0:35:100:35:11

number one - because David Mitchell was busy.

0:35:110:35:13

Number two - we didn't have much left in the budget, you were cheap.

0:35:130:35:17

And number three - we gave you the option

0:35:170:35:18

to pick any challenge you wanted. This is the challenge you picked.

0:35:180:35:21

-All right.

-So put your mind to it, man.

0:35:210:35:23

Well, let me break something to you. David Mitchell wasn't busy.

0:35:230:35:26

He just said that cos he didn't want to do the bloody show.

0:35:260:35:29

OK, well, fine. Right now, I can see why.

0:35:290:35:31

Yeah, but right now, she knows who is the Welshman.

0:35:310:35:34

No, she doesn't.

0:35:340:35:35

(FRENCH ACCENT) Unless this is all a big bluff.

0:35:350:35:38

Unless this is a big bluff.

0:35:380:35:40

This is maybe, peut-etre, a massive bluff.

0:35:400:35:42

OK, Marianne, it's time for you to make your decision.

0:35:420:35:44

One of the men over there is not really French,

0:35:440:35:47

but is it number one, number two or number three?

0:35:470:35:51

Hmm, I would say...

0:35:510:35:54

-..that number one is French.

-OK.

0:35:550:35:58

The number two is not French...

0:35:590:36:02

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:36:020:36:04

..and the number three's French?

0:36:040:36:06

You think so?

0:36:070:36:09

Oh, I hope so.

0:36:090:36:10

His head's so big, he won't be able to get out of here.

0:36:120:36:14

Let's find out if you're right.

0:36:140:36:16

Number one was actually not Welsh.

0:36:160:36:19

He was really celebrity chef Jean-Christophe Novelli.

0:36:190:36:23

-Bonsoir.

-Bonsoir.

0:36:250:36:27

The French, you're always kissing.

0:36:280:36:30

Number two was David Ginola.

0:36:300:36:32

She thinks you're Welsh, mate.

0:36:320:36:34

-Bonsoir.

-Bonsoir. Did I win that?

0:36:360:36:38

Yeah, I think you did. It's weird, isn't it?

0:36:380:36:40

You chose number two.

0:36:400:36:41

-Yes.

-That was David Ginola.

0:36:410:36:44

Congratulations, Rhod. Back to the sofa.

0:36:440:36:46

I have to say, I don't think any of us saw that coming.

0:36:530:36:56

-No.

-Well, we've seen all the nominations

0:36:560:36:58

for our Hidden Talent award.

0:36:580:36:59

Identifying the Arsenal players from just their hair,

0:36:590:37:02

knowledge of Elvis Costello,

0:37:020:37:04

and successfully convincing a French person that you are French,

0:37:040:37:07

which I'm still not sure if you did, but it looks like you did.

0:37:070:37:10

Well, we'd better find out what's going to win this award.

0:37:100:37:13

Judges, what is your verdict and why?

0:37:130:37:16

Very difficult, cos they were all brilliant.

0:37:160:37:19

-They were excellent.

-Fantastic.

0:37:190:37:20

-But because Jo hasn't got one, I think it's got to be Jo.

-Aw...

0:37:200:37:25

Yes, thank you very much.

0:37:250:37:26

So the winner of the Hidden Talent award is Jo!

0:37:260:37:29

Well, that's just about it for tonight.

0:37:330:37:36

All I need to do is award our Lucas of Lucases,

0:37:360:37:38

which tonight goes to the Most Festive Guest.

0:37:380:37:42

Mother Christmas,

0:37:420:37:43

who would you like to give this award to this evening?

0:37:430:37:45

I'm going to award it to Rhod. cos I was really impressed

0:37:450:37:48

with his French-speaking skills.

0:37:480:37:49

There you go. Congratulations, Rhod Gilbert!

0:37:490:37:51

Rhod, is there anything you'd like to say?

0:37:560:37:58

No, I'm just going to pop a bit of eyebrows on him.

0:37:580:38:02

Well, congratulations once again.

0:38:020:38:04

Thanks to all my guests - Alan Davies, Jo Brand, Rhod Gilbert -

0:38:040:38:07

to our judges, to my mum, and to you at home for watching.

0:38:070:38:10

Wishing you all a very merry Christmas

0:38:100:38:12

and happy New Year. Good night!

0:38:120:38:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:140:38:17

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