Episode 1 The Matt Lucas Awards

TRUMPET FANFARE

# Hello, my friends It's time, you will surmise

# For me to give some gongs out and the same rule still applies

# They're not for achievements that usually get the prize

# For this show is for those we all too seldom recognise

# Let's review the wronged and the rejected

# And we'll praise the ones we have neglected

# So take your seats, miladies and milords

# It's the Matt Lucas Awards!

# Lucas Awards. #

Yes, it's The Matt Lucas Awards,

and please welcome your host, Matt Lucas.

-Hello!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, yes!

Hello! You could have got up.

You wouldn't get up.

Hello, yes!

Hello, hello, and welcome to the show

that gives the awards other shows don't give.

As ever, my mum is in the kitchen.

-Hello, lady woman.

-Hi!

And providing the nominations tonight

we have Ardal O'Hanlon, Robert Webb, and Adil Ray.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much for joining me.

Now this series, the winners of each award

are decided by a panel of judges,

who this week are all Olympic bronze medallists.

Please welcome boxer, Anthony Ogogo,

and from the ladies hockey team,

captain, Kate Walsh, and forward, Alex Danson.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Welcome to the show

and congratulations on your BRONZE medals.

So it's time for our first award.

As a superlative actor, I can do lots of regional accents.

-HE ADOPTS ACCENT

-Arite, there, mate? How ya doin'?

Liverpool.

I know where it is but I can't really get at it at the moment.

Birmingham.

-HE ADOPTS INDIAN ACCENT

-Very, very pleased to be meeting you.

Welsh.

But which accent is the one we most struggle to understand?

Nominations, please, for the Lucas

for Least Comprehensible UK Accent.

Ardal.

Northern Irish.

Robert.

Lincolnshire.

And, Adil.

Sir Alex Ferguson.

OK, so, Ardal, why have you gone for,

as your Least Comprehensible Accent, Northern Ireland.

I'm very familiar with these people.

They're quite near me, and they speak very fast,

with a very aggressive edge to it.

And, sort of, they don't want people to understand them.

I think they do it on purpose.

It's, "RARARARRAR... bring those sheep in here!

"Where's the sheep?! Bring them in here right now!

"ARARARARAR!"

I'd go as far as to say they don't even understand

what they're saying themselves.

Well, we have a clip here of a man even the Northern Irish

would probably have struggled to understand.

HE SPEAKS IN THICK ACCENT The Strabane people doesn't get no fair play.

The people of Strabane get no jobs now.

They can come from far and near and get work.

And the people are having to cross the water,

having to go away 20 years.

And during the war, I went away to fight with a bottle of holy water.

And they weren't many men to go across the water that time.

APPLAUSE

That was actually a young Eamonn Holmes.

Well, I think I can do sort of four Irish, sort of...

there's Northern Irish, there's... HOY-DOY-DOY-DUR-DUR-DUR-DOY!

DUR-DUR-DOYR! There's that.

And then there's also...

Eee-barr-darr-dur-na-doin!

And then...but also, if you go in the South,

there's sort of...

Eur-dor-doily-do-doily!

Like, leprechaun.

And then also, there's the Boyzone which is...

Doy, er...with de Boyzone, with the Shane and the Keith.

Like that, those are the four that I know.

But the I can do those two northern ones, yes.

Very well, I think.

Even the animals in Northern Ireland...

like, seriously, a cow in Northern Ireland is, "MRRRRR!"

What does he want, that cow?

I used to go out with a girl from Northern Ireland.

It was the same thing. I was terrified all the time.

Because you don't know what she's saying or what she wants.

Even when she's saying, "I love you,"

it sounds like a threat, you know. It's like...

-HE ADOPTS ACCENT

-"I love you!

"I love you, so I do. Do you hear me?! I love you!"

So, Robert, why have you nominated the Lincolnshire accent?

Well, I'm from Lincolnshire, I grew up in Lincolnshire,

and it's not that it's an incomprehensible accent,

it's that I was incomprehensible

because, not only did I have quite a broad native accent,

but also I had a massive speech impediment until was about 16,

so I'd say the sound, "s," "sur",

and "t," "tur."

So I'd say, "Are you being thuperthilious?

"Are you being tharcastic? Because I think that's, you know...

"By the way, would you like to have thex now?"

So it's not Lincolnshire's incomprehensible

it's that I was totally incomprehensible.

Well, I put it to you

that there are some other people in Lincolnshire

-who are quite incomprehensible.

-Right.

Let's have a look at one of your fellow yellow bellies here.

HE SPEAKS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

LAUGHTER

-Did you understand that?

-No!

No, but the sort of music is very familiar.

-HE ADOPTS LINCOLNSHIRE ACCENT

-It's not so much an accent,

as an attitude, Matthew.

Our Robert, he went to uni, and he made some friends,

many of whom were homosexuals,

and he's come back and he sounds like them. And, why not?

Adil, you've nominated Alex Ferguson.

-Yes.

-Now, I don't want it to go unnoticed, by the way,

that I refuse to call Alex Ferguson SIR Alex Ferguson,

because I'm an Arsenal fan,

so I don't really recognise his knighthood.

And, Adil, perhaps you'd like to join me in this flagrant disregard?

I think I probably will, actually.

I'm a Villa fan, so I'll join you on that.

Excellent. We have a deal.

The fact is, they don't even allow people in this country

if you can't speak English properly anymore,

so the fact that they've given Sir Alex Ferguson a knighthood

and you can't understand him, That's a good point.

-He shouldn't have that, should he?

-He shouldn't have it.

Let's see a bit of the incomprehensible old sod in action.

Now I've got Andy, I've got Teddy,

I've got Scolesey wanting to play,

I've got Giggs, I've got Jordi Cruyff.

I'm very, very pleased at that situation we're in.

What did he say at the end there?

He said, "Radda-daa-daa-doin."

I don't think it's that important

that Alex Ferguson is comprehensible.

Do you know what I mean?

His face changes from orange to red to purple, that's a sign of...

-A colour code.

-Exactly.

It's like a threat level.

So when it's purple, they know they have to get their finger out.

I think it's not so much the Scottish, it's that he's lazy.

He won't open his mouth when he's talking.

HE MUMBLES He talks like this

and then you add in his Scottish accent

and then there's absolutely no chance

of understanding what I'm talking about.

That's his problem, he's lazy.

Can you do an impression of him?

Well, I think anybody can do an impression of him.

Hang on a minute, I've got the nose here.

Her-der-der-der...whiskey!

Her-der-der-der...referee!

Wonderful, wonderful!

APPLAUSE

What would you say to Fergie if he was here now?

I think I'd give him a taste of his own medicine.

I'd probably speak in Punjabi so he couldn't understand me.

-That would work, wouldn't it?

-Can you do a Scottish Punjabi?

HE MUMBLES IN SCOTTISH PUNJABI ACCENT

-APPLAUSE

-Basically the same.

OK, it's time to find out what has won the Lucas

for Least Comprehensible UK Accent.

Is it Northern Irish, Lincolnshire, or Alex Ferguson?

Judges, what is your verdict and why?

Well, for the reason we couldn't understand a word,

to be sure, it's Northern Irish.

There we go, the winner of the Lucas

for Least Comprehensible UK Accent is Northern Irish.

APPLAUSE

And, by the way, you know when you win a bronze medal,

do you go up and collect it,

or do they just send it to you in the post?

LAUGHTER

That is mean!

Just to let you know, one of them's a boxer.

Yes. Yes, she's very nice, yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, onto our next award.

We all have days in the calendar we look forward to, don't we?

Christmas Day, Boxing Day,

or, if you're BNP, St George's Day.

Should be a day off work, shouldn't it?

But which of the 365 days of the year is the one we most dread?

Nominations, please, for the Lucas

for Most Miserable Day of the Year.

Ardal?

My wife's birthday.

-Robert?

-Any Sunday.

-And, Adil?

-Valentine's Day.

So, Ardal, why do you dread your wife's birthday?

Well, I should stress, I've nothing against her

in any way whatsoever.

The timing.

It comes at a terrible time for me.

It's very shortly after Christmas,

and very shortly after our wedding anniversary.

And then it comes into the middle of January,

which also happens to be genuinely my lowest point of the year,

so it's a really terrible time.

So I feel the pressure is intolerable.

Not only do I have to, like, excel once again on the present front,

you know, my pipes are frozen...

Is that a euphemism, sorry?

It is, as well as being real.

So, you know, things couldn't be worse

at this point of the year for me.

What's the most lacklustre present you've bought her?

-Oh, er, a trivet, probably.

-A what?

-A trivet.

-Is it a kind of dog?

No, it's, er, it's something like if you have a stew, um, and...

Sounds really fun in your house, Ardal!

Adil, are birthdays big in your family?

It's slightly confusing in my family, as my dad's got two.

When they came over here in the '60s, a lot of British Asians...

birthdays weren't registered in Pakistan or India,

they just knew their year.

So when they came in and had to fill in the immigration slip

at Heathrow Airport, they just quickly did it,

cos they were worried about whether they were going to be allowed in or not,

so they just made it up. And loads of people just put January.

They just put the first of the first, so Dad put first of the first.

And then later on in life, he then sort of came across

some other document, and thought,

"Oh, I've got it wrong, I think it's in October."

-So when's your birthday?

-April 26th.

That IS it, or...oh, yes, cos you were born here.

Yeah, yeah. It's not an Asian Muslim thing.

No, I thought it was, yeah.

We're not all the same.

We don't do all the same things and stuff.

What are you suggesting?

No, I like racial tension!

You're watching Racial Tension on BBC One

hosted by me, Rachel Tension.

Robert, tell me why you don't like Sundays?

It's because I never really got over

how much I used to hate Sundays when I was as school.

Because Saturday was so good,

Friday night and Saturday was so good,

because I could dress up as Zorro

and ride around on my bike pretending it's a horse,

I could play on my ZX Spectrum or even with some actual other friends.

And then Sunday was all right in the morning

and then after lunch, I was in that bungalow,

and it smells of congealing gravy,

and all the grown-ups have had a drink

and they're sort of getting maudlin or shouting at each other.

And it's Bullseye and it's time for school tomorrow.

-HE MIMICS BULLSEYE THEME TUNE

-Just mocking me.

But now, of course, you are an adult and you have children.

I mean, surely Sundays are a bit more cheery now?

Yeah, and its fine, except...you know, we really love our children.

They're great, but they're three and one,

and I think parents of young children

or parents of older children

who remember having young children will remember,

that they can be at that age,

a colossal pain in the arse.

And Saturday's fine but then by Sunday,

my wife and I, we're kind of out of ideas.

It's just very difficult to think of things to do with them.

Usually with children,

you're running them around to different places.

Picking them up from a birthday party,

taking them to another birthday party.

Oh, God! Other people's birthday parties

full of other people's children that you have to be nice to.

-Yes.

-I mean, it's fine. You know, I like children,

but I prefer mine to other people's.

And because you've got to be on your best behaviour

-and you can't swear, you can't...

-I prefer other people's children.

..really clip them round the ear any more...sorry.

If you if you're like me and you haven't got children...

Well, then, of course you have to prefer other people's children!

I don't plan to have any children, so, with Robert's children...

-You don't plan to have any children?

-I've got no plans at the moment.

You've made some very early choices, young man!

You're not selling it very well, to be honest!

I'm not here to sell it. I'm just here to complain about it.

-Sell your children!

-I will not sell my children to you!

Racist! You won't sell your children to him.

Exactly! Exactly!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Sell him your children!

Sell him your children!

I don't know if it's responsible or not, but sell them to him!

£1.99.

Mum, did you dread Sundays when I was little?

No, I didn't, actually,

cos we used to do lots of things with friends and...

Yeah, it was nice. Sundays were nice.

Yeah, but when you were a bit older,

and you and Howard were off my hands,

then I spent quite a lot of time on my own.

Sunday can be a very lonely day, actually, as it happens.

-This is very cheery, this, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

Sometimes my wife's birthday FALLS on a Sunday.

And do you know what, it's not just Sunday.

I'm with Robert entirely on this. It's Mondays and Tuesdays as well.

I mean, there's far too many days in the week. Wednesday...

I just leave the house on a Sunday.

I go hiking in the mountains and I hide.

Adil, why do you find Valentine's Day so miserable?

Well, you know, Valentine's Day, it's supposed to be the occasion

where you're supposed to do something very special.

And what do we all do?

Everyone does exactly the same thing.

Chocolates, flowers, meal with a Groupon voucher.

We all do it!

-Everyone does the same thing.

-Yeah.

What's worse, being forced to spend Valentine's Day

with your partner or being alone and single?

Definitely the last bit.

Although I am single, it's obviously the forced bit, yeah.

So part of this dislike of Valentine's Day

-comes from not having anyone to share it with?

-No!

No!

A lot of denial going on there. How long have you been single?

Um, probably about five years now.

What's your type?

I don't have a type. Does anyone have a type?

Yeah. Um...

Like, when they've got the little thing in between the legs.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, I think your issue with Valentine's Day is that you

aren't very experienced in matters of romance.

Luckily, help is at hand, as we have in the audience

an expert in relationships.

Maybe she can help Adil out. Please welcome Suzi Godson.

APPLAUSE

Suzi, welcome to the show, you've heard what Adil has to say,

where, in your opinion, has he gone wrong?

I don't really think he's wrong about Valentine's Day.

I think that if you're single you can't participate,

and if you're in a couple you're forced to participate.

Oh, you old romantic, you(!)

In terms of what he should do to get a girlfriend,

he's a gorgeous guy, he could have anyone.

Yeah, but what are you doing later, then?

I'm around.

I'll be off then. LAUGHTER

As an expert in relationships,

what's your view of Roberts's nomination?

I think that Robert's is a classic, kind of, case of,

you know, a relationship having gone through the process of expansion

where you meet, you fall in love, you have kids, that's very exciting,

you're massively into your kids, and then suddenly you hit a wall

and it's a routine of fish fingers and, you know, birthday parties.

I've hit a wall? I have hit no such thing, madam.

And that's the point at which infidelity or divorce becomes...

I'm not...infidelitising.

But what you have to do is you have to reintroduce novelty into your relationship.

-What with a special hat?

-Leather goods.

-Leather hat?

In terms of doing what Ardal does, going climbing,

going... Getting out, doing stuff together.

-Oh, for crying out loud.

-It's true.

Climbing? I'm up at 6:00 every morning, I'm not climbing.

Make a stew.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much for joining us, Suzi Godson.

APPLAUSE

So, what is going to win the Lucas for Most Miserable Day Of The Year?

Will it be Ardal's wife's birthday, any given Sunday, or Valentine's Day?

Judges - what is your verdict and why?

THEY WHISPER

Because no girls I've met think a bag of chips from the chippy's

romantic anymore, we're going for Valentine's Day.

OK. The winner of the Lucas for Most Miserable Day Of The Year is Valentine's Day.

I suppose... I suppose... Cos it...

Cos, like, if you'd won silver you'd always be thinking,

"Oh, could have got the gold," so, in a way, probably works out for the best.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Time for our final Lucas of the night, it's our Hidden Talent Award.

Each week we find out which special skills our guests normally keep close to their chests.

Your nominations please. Adil?

I can identify a car from the '80s just by the sound of its engine.

Robert?

I can throw a mini basketball over my shoulder and get it in a hoop.

And Ardal?

I can sing the Squeeze song, Up The Junction, in a Donald Duck voice.

OK, so Adil, tell me more about your hidden talent?

Yeah, it's a bit strange. You know, um... You know when you were young

and you were little and you had friends?

Well, I don't think I had any, really, and as I used to walk

home from the bus, I used to play this game that as cars were

coming up the road behind me, I'd try and guess what car it was.

-Do they really sound that different?

-Yeah, they do. There's a big

difference between certain car sounds, yeah. I think.

-You hope.

-I hope. Yeah.

Well, it's time to put Adil's automobile auditory ability to the test.

If you'd like to make your way over there, please, with me to the car over there.

-GRUFF VOICE:

-Sit yourself down there.

So, I am going to play Adil a succession of engine sounds for him to try to identify.

If you think you know them, just honk your horn. Go on give us a honk.

-HORN HONKS Oh yeah, OK.

-OK, you ready?

-Yeah.

-Cool, all right. Ignition on. OK. Here is your first car sound.

ENGINE SOUND, GRADUALLY ACCELERATING

-HORN HONKS

-He knows it, he thinks he knows it, what is it?

Only because I think my brother used to drive one, is it a BMW?

-What type?

-A 3 series.

It is the BMW... Let's see...

320i. Yes, correct. How about that!

Wow. wow.

This isn't cool to know this, is it, really?

No, but then it's not cool to be on this show either, so.

OK, let's pass another car and see if you can identify it.

ENGINE SOUND, GRADUALLY ACCELERATING

HORN HONKS

-Oh!

-That's an easy one.

-What is it?

-That's a Mini.

-Let's have a look.

-It's a Mini! Wow.

-Absolutely.

You wonder why you had no friends. OK.

Let's pass another car and see if you can work out what it is.

ENGINE STARTING AND GRADUALLY ACCELERATING

HORN HONKS That's Inspector Clouseau's car, a Citroen 2CV.

Let's have a look.

It's a 2CV! Wow.

He doesn't have friends, but he has knowledge.

OK, what car might we be passing now?

ENGINE SOUND, GRADUALLY ACCELERATING

HORN HONKS

Only because... This sounds really weird - I can hear a double exhaust,

so it's a performance car.

It could be any of them. I think... Is it a Porsche?

-What type?

-I don't know. A 9 series. A 924, a 930, 928, one of those.

Let's have a look.

It is a Porsche 924! how about that!

-The man is a freak. OK.

-LAUGHTER

Let's have a listen to one final car. Here we go.

ENGINE STARTING AND GRADUALLY ACCELERATING

HORN HONKS Only cos it's got that big diesel-y engine,

that's again... It is it a Beetle?

It is a Volkswagen Beetle, but which one is it? It's a famous one.

-Oh, it's Herbie obviously.

-Let's have a look.

Yes, in Monte Carlo, it's Herbie! Ladies and gentlemen, Adil Ray.

APPLAUSE

Let's make our way back to the sofa.

Incredible stuff.

That was exceptional. Well done, Adil, well done. OK, Robert.

Now, you claim to be able to throw a mini basketball

over your shoulder and get it into a hoop. May I ask how and why?

I was in a film called Magicians, and I was playing a magician called Karl,

and during the film he had to throw a basketball over his shoulder to get it in a hoop,

and I wanted to do it properly and I spent a day rehearsing it,

and when we filmed it I did it on the third go.

However, that was six years ago, and I haven't done it since.

Well, it's time to see Robert's skills in action.

If you'd like to make your way, please, Robert, with me,

over there to the basketball court, over there.

-If you would like to...

-Yes.

-There we go.

So, let's put you in your position, there. Excellent.

I love basketball, myself. My favourite player is, um...

Oh, I can't remember his name,

very tall black fella.

-So, Robert you have, let's say, five attempts...

-OK.

..to get this ball into that hoop.

-OK.

-Off you go.

BUZZER

AUDIENCE GROANS

OK, I think we're going to need... That was... No.

Mum, why don't you come over here, and return the balls to us,

cos I've got a sense that we might need somebody for that job.

It's all coming back.

BUZZER

Yeah. Not so great.

We're OK, aren't we?

I like the bit where the tension starts to turn into irritation.

And the audience start to think about the train home.

LAUGHTER

-BUZZER

-Ooh! Close. Well done, Mum.

She knows what she's doing, she's good.

-BUZZER

-Ooh! The light's gone, the light. Leave it, leave it woman!

Leave it, it's dangerous!

OK, have another go. No.

-BUZZER

-Nearly hit my mother, there.

-BUZZER

-No. Oh, close.

-BUZZER

-Oh, close. Robert, they're leaving they're leaving.

I can sense them.

-Yeah!

-BELL RINGS

He's done it! Take a bow. Congratulations, sir.

Make your way back to the sofa. Thank you. Well done.

You know, it was fine, but how many goes did you have to make?

That was the fifth go wasn't it? The second go, third, I lost count.

-No, it was about nine goes.

-I lost count in all the excitement.

-Look at me. You've let me down.

-Right.

OK, you've not just let me down,

you've let my mum down. You've made her look stupid.

These people let the country down, and you've let me down.

Do you understand?

Bronze for you, sir. A bronze for you. OK.

OK, Ardal, now your special talent is singing

Up The Junction by Squeeze in a Donald Duck voice. Tell us about that.

Yes, well, Up The Junction, it's the only song that I know.

-OK.

-And Donald...

-You don't know any other song?

I genuinely don't know any other song.

I learnt if off by heart when I was about 14, 15. There was a song,

it made a big impression on me, and all my friends could sing,

I could never sing, and I just decided I'd better learn a song

because there are often occasions when you need to sing something.

And I could also do a duck impression.

So I thought, very stupidly, to combine the two.

Do you have any other talents you considered doing?

I used to do keepies-uppies a lot when I was a kid,

but I haven't done that for years, either. But it's too mundane, everyone can do that.

OK, well it's time for Ardal to sing for his supper.

If you'd like to go over there, please, Ardal, to the bit over there.

Singing Up The Junction by Squeeze, please welcome ARDUCK O'Hanlon.

MUSIC: "Up The Junction" by Squeeze

DONALD DUCK IMPRESSION IN TIME TO SONG

Do this at the same time. Go on.

DONALD DUCK IMPRESSION CONTINUES

APPLAUSE

Ho ho! Chuck it back. Yeah.

Ho ho! Ardal O'Hanlon, ladies and gentlemen!

-APPLAUSE

-Welcome back to the sofa.

This is ridiculous. I have children, they may have children someday.

-Yes, and they won't respect you, will they?

-No.

No, well we've seen all the nominations for our Hidden Talent Award.

'80s engine identification, over-the-shoulder basketball throwing,

and singing Up The Junction in a Donald Duck voice.

Judges, what is your verdict and why?

Well, let's be honest, the others may have been better,

but as bronze is the new gold, I'm going to go for Robert.

So, the winner of the Hidden Talent Award is Robert Webb.

-Even they're racist.

-Yes.

-Especially the guy in the middle.

LAUGHTER

Well, that's just about it for tonight.

All I need to do is award this week's Lucas Of Lucases,

that goes tonight to the grumpiest guest.

Mum, who do you think has been the most grumpy guest this evening?

I don't know. First of all can I just say, it's a bit confusing having Adil and Ardal,

cos I'm getting really confused as to who's who.

That's racist, as well. LAUGHTER

What? I didn't catch that?

One is a man, and the other's a duck. So...

LAUGHTER

You've got me stuck for... Lost for words, just for once.

But you're still talking.

Why don't you both share it? That would be rather nice.

-Yes, that's a good idea.

-There you go.

Perhaps you'd both like to make some sort of speech?

Do I need another award in my life?

There's no room in the awards cabinet. You can have it.

It's just as well you gave me the award, or you'd be a racist if you hadn't.

We would. And, very proudly, I am.

Congratulations once again, and thanks to all my guests,

Ardal O'Hanlon, Robert Webb and Adil Ray,

to our fantastic Olympians, Anthony Ogogo, Kate Walsh and Alex Danson.

To my mum and to everyone at home for watching. Good night.

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