Episode 1 The Matt Lucas Awards

-# Hello, my friends! You remember me?

-Who are you?

# I'm the chap who is sometimes in those shows you like to see

# Well, they gave me my own show and I thought, "What should it be?"

-# Then, I said, "I know!"

-What?

-An Awards ceremony

# But not for best actor

# Not for best score

# Not for best director cos we've had all those before

# Not for cinematographer for that would be a bore

# No, let's discuss achievements that the other shows ignore!

# And comment things formally undebated

# Yes, we'll honour those uncelebrated

# So thanking you my Ladies and my Lords

# It's The Matt Lucas Awards! #

Hello and welcome to The Matt Lucas Awards,

the show that gives the awards other shows don't give.

Whether it's Jammiest celebrity of least essential body part.

This week, like every other week, I'm joined in the kitchen by my Mum.

Hello, Mum!

And on the keyboard, Mr David Arnold.

David.

David!

Shortly, I'll be deciding the winners of these prestigious Lucas Awards.

But first, to provide the nominations, will you please welcome my guests?

Jason Manford.

Graeme Garden

and Henning Wehn.

-Are you all right? Have a seat.

-Thank you.

Come on, let's have a hug. Let's have a hug. Have a seat.

Let's have a hug. Here, give me a hug.

Have a seat.

-Welcome all of you to the show.

-Thank you.

Henning, my favourite German comedian.

What are the most popular award ceremonies in Germany?

Well, we've just recently awarded ourselves Europe.

Congratulations.

Then, after that, I think Germany, compared to Britain,

we don't really have that many awards ceremonies

-because our work in itself is seen as a reward.

-Right.

Thank you all for coming on the show.

On to our first award of the night.

Now, all nations have something to be proud about, don't they?

If you're French, it's your cuisine.

If you're American, it's your firemen.

If you're Swiss, it's Toblerone and Nazi gold.

But which countries are so full of themselves

there's barely room to put your suitcase?

Nominations please for the Lucas

for Smuggest Nation Of People.

Jason.

The Swedes.

-Henning.

-The Chinese.

-And Graeme.

-The English.

So the nominations for Smuggest Nation Of People

are the Swedes, the Chinese and the English.

So Jason why have you gone for the Swedes?

I find them just a bit sort of,

"Oh, look at us, with our brilliant economy,

"we're really efficient and good looking."

They're sort of, they're like Germans without the baggage.

Do you know what I mean?

-And they eat reindeer. Well out of order.

-Yeah.

I mean, how can you eat reindeer?

What's going on? That's like eating Christmas, man.

That's a terrible thing to eat, isn't it?

Imagine that Christmas, "Sorry, we've not got any toys this year

"because the Swedes ate all the reindeers."

-They are smug, yeah.

-Yeah.

Like a pint of beer ten quid... That's smug whichever way you look at it.

I mean, because either you're saying, "Look, we're so rich we can afford that."

Or you go, "Oh, we're so beautiful we don't need any beer goggles."

That is smug.

Well, we do have some things here that Sweden is actually famous for.

In my box.

Let's have a look.

Of course ABBA, yeah.

If you haven't heard of them, they were like a kind of Swedish Buck's Fizz.

Bjorn Borg, of course.

Get a bloody haircut, man, you're about to meet the Duchess of Kent.

What else have we got here?

Swedish Chef, of course. Woog-woog-woog.

Still easier to understand than Jamie Oliver.

And need I even say it?

-Of course, IKEA.

-Oh, say no more.

Do you shop at IKEA at all?

I don't shop at IKEA because I used to like Bank Holidays

and now it's like...

Bye, bye, Bond. Hello, Billy bookcase.

See, they're being smug again. They're going,

"This is how your living room should look if you weren't such a scruffy bastard."

That's what they're saying.

And then they ruin four hours of your day

and then try and win you back with a cheap hot dog.

Which is fair enough.

Graeme, have you ever been to that shop?

I can't keep saying... If we keep saying IKEA, we get done, you see,

because it's this thing called undue prominence where...

They don't mind, they love it, but it's all the other companies.

Yeah, like DFS, they are going,

"Oh, why don't you rubbish us for a bit now?"

Are you a fan of this type of...

I have been to a flat-pack self-assembly shop.

Yes.

And made a purchase

and, like everybody else, gone back to get the key.

But the last thing I got from IKEA was a bookcase

and it had a little pictorial thing on the instructions.

And it was a picture of a man opening the box,

then the man looking like that, and then the man on the phone.

Well, thank you very much.

Henning, tell us why you've opted for the Chinese?

For starters, you know their symbol,

how they write themselves,

it's like a box, you know, as if you were to draw a telly.

-Yeah.

-And then a stick through it.

-So, they're essentially, they translate themselves as middle kingdom.

-Right.

So if you say you're at the centre of the Earth...

Well, not even the Brits do that, come on. I mean...

Even the maps they've got.

They've got maps where they've got China right in the middle.

So that is pretty smug, but I'm not that bothered about them being smug,

what I don't like about them is that they're so dangerous.

Right?

They're going, they're going to take over, don't they, the Chinese.

Yeah, they're going to take over because they get up early in the morning.

Obviously time difference works in their favour on that one.

They're going to take over. Listen, listen, we have to nuke them now.

Hmmm.

See? People in Britain laugh. In America they would make me president.

They do have the biggest population in the world, don't they?

-One billion people.

-Yeah.

And that is why we need a united Europe.

We do need, I mean... Britain is always going,

"Oh, we're not in Europe." Well, get a bloody map.

Of course Britain is in Europe.

We're going to have a look now at what the Chinese have given the world.

We've got another box here.

CHINESE MUSIC

OK. Let's have a look.

Paper, so they can print their lying maps, excellent.

They invented the noodle,

which is a kind of prototype pot noodle, of course.

And, of course, we all know about Chinese whispers.

There we go.

And they invented the number 46 with rice as well.

Very good, yes. Very, very impressive.

Well, we are joined in the studio by someone of the Chinese persuasion.

Stuart Hoo. Where's Stuart?

Oh, there you are!

I spotted you.

Have Henning's comments wounded your sense of national pride, Stuart?

Er... Not really, but a little bit not, not accuracy.

-I think...

-Really?

-Yeah, in the sense of talking about smug,

you have to divide it into the people and the nation.

Me, I'm not smug at all.

Well, you're being a bit smug about saying that.

But, you know, if you're talking about the nation,

-then, yes - a little bit smug, I would say.

-Do you think so?

-Yes.

-And are you upset with Henning, would you still welcome him to China?

-Absolutely, yes.

-You would.

-I would recommend some good restaurants

which have proper German-style Chinese food for you.

Off we go.

Thank you very much, Stuart. Thank you.

Now, Graeme, before you tell us why you've opted for the English...

-Yes.

-As your smuggest nation...

I should just establish that even though, I would say you speak with an English accent,

you are actually from Scotland, is that right?

I am, yeah, and by nominating the English

I'm kind of playing the Scottish race card.

Excellent.

I mean, there's smugness

feeling pleased with yourself with good reason,

and the smugness I don't like is feeling pleased with yourself

for no good reason.

And I think the English are pretty guilty of that.

Whereas in Scotland, they've got a much better health service.

Mind you, they need it.

They look after their old people much better,

although they don't have quite so many.

They've got a great legal system,

great education system and they've got the highland reel and tossing the caber

where England has Morris dancing and darts.

So I think, as a nation, it's full of smug people.

-I mean, you know, Jeremy Kyle.

-Yeah.

Yeah, well, I've actually got a Smug-o-meter here with me today.

-Mum?

-Yes.

-Can you bring the Smug-o-meter over?

OK, coming up.

Here it comes. Thank you very much indeed.

Yes, this is the Smug-o-meter.

It goes from 'Not That Smug'

to 'Yeah, Bit Smug'

to 'Yeah, Smug'

to 'Proper Cocky'

to 'Really Pushing It Now'

to 'Unbearable' to 'Clarkson.' Yes.

So we have a selection of things that we think typify England.

All right.

And perhaps you can us where you think the various candidates sit,

so this is the first one.

The real ale drinkers.

-They are 'Yeah, Smug.'

-Yeah.

I'd put them sort of round about there

because they have to drink the stuff, so...

These people are like,

"Oh, it's not a proper drink unless it's been filtered through a badger's foreskin."

They're ridiculously... Too much detail.

I think I know what you mean. OK.

The Royal Family.

Well, now, they have smugness thrust upon them.

Ah, OK.

I don't think they're smug through choice, I'd put them 'Not That Smug.'

This is, this is cos that woman just gave you the OBE.

-Yes. Yes.

-Yeah. Fair enough.

I haven't got an OBE, I'd put them over there.

Middle-class people who go to Provence.

I don't know many middle-class people who go to Provence

-but I would guess they are pretty smug, aren't they?

-They would.

-Where do we put them?

-I would say they were 'Proper Cocky.'

-Proper cocky, they are, aren't they?

-Yeah.

-You mentioned him earlier, here he is, Jeremy Kyle.

-Uch!

That was just an uch!

We should have put "uch" on there, shouldn't we? Uch!

I don't want to clutter up too much room at the very top there because just in case...

-He's got to be unbearable!

-He's unbearable. He's unbearable. Yes.

-Fair enough.

Who would you put on the list, Mum?

I think you might quite agree with me on this one,

Manchester United supporters.

Oh, very good, yes.

Manchester United supporters, yes.

David, who would you put on the list?

Anyone who drives a Prius

-and has organic vegetables delivered by Ocado.

-Right.

Fair enough.

Well, it's time for me to decide who will win the Lucas for Smuggest Nation Of People.

Graeme, I take your points but I have a concern.

When you consider how smug the English are already

without hardly ever winning anything,

-just imagine how smug we'd be if we actually got this.

-Ah.

Even an award for smugness would be unbearable. I can't risk it.

-OK.

-Jason, thanks for your argument.

Unfortunately, I was unable to understand what you said

because of your northern dialect.

Henning, in terms of innovation,

the Chinese invented printing, gunpowder, which were pretty good,

but they have sat back on their laurels since then,

we've only really had sweet and sour pork to get our interests going.

So, for that reason,

I think the Lucas for Smuggest Nation Of People has to go to the Chinese.

I must just use the loo, actually. Excuse me.

-See the football last night?

-Yeah, it was amazing, wasn't it?

-Yeah, it was great! Did you see van Persie's goal?

-30 yards out.

Fantastic! I didn't think he was going to score. The whole time.

-Yeah.

-Do you think he'll stay at the end of the season?

Don't know, he's part of the team.

-I think he'll stay.

-They're relying on him.

Sometimes it's better to just take the 15 million and go.

If you can borrow 15 million.

Yeah, or maybe he'll stay, maybe he'll stay.

I'll go later.

Flatmate.

Time for another award. Ooh, honks in here.

I love art.

I don't just like the classical stuff like crying harlequin or airbrushed unicorn,

I like modern works too, like photo of tennis girl scratching arse.

But what masterly talents have our guests been hiding?

Let's find out as we seek to award a Lucas

for Most Artistic Guest.

If you'd like to take your places, please.

# The guests are taking their places

# The guests are taking their places

# The guests are taking their places

# And the guests are all sat down. #

Now, I want to choose a subject that would stimulate everyone's artistic juices,

so will you please welcome our life model.

And here he comes.

Good evening. If you'd like to take your position on the stool, please.

OK. If you'd like to pick up your pads, you may begin drawing now.

Please do join in at home.

-Have you ever done this before?

-Many times.

You have? How much does one get paid to do something like this?

-Not enough.

-Right.

OK, David, let's look at how you're getting on.

Right.

What are you trying to say

with this piece?

I actually have no memory

of doing this.

Right.

Slightly worrying.

Henning, I'm quite impressed by the speed of your drawing,

you're quite impulsive.

Well, at the end of the day everyone looks the same, isn't it?

Two eyes, one nose, one mouth, two ears,

hair or no hair. It's the same, isn't it?

Yeah.

Graeme, you draw a lot, you paint a lot.

Is this an unusual subject for you?

I have actually drawn a gentleman like this before.

-Did he know you were drawing him?

-No.

Let's have a look at what some of the audience are doing.

Very nice.

That's pathetic.

That's good, but it's like of a different person.

I'm not going to talk about that.

Let's see how we're doing here.

Jason, what's that?

Well, I'm quite low down, so, um...

I see.

I didn't realise I was so good.

I mean, that's a hell of a stool sample, eh?

Come on.

What do you think of hers?

The...the drawing, I mean.

It's all right. She's made him slightly nicer, actually.

-Slightly Neanderthal with the eyebrows.

-Yeah.

Thank you, Jason.

I hope you're enjoying this, Mum.

You like the older gentlemen yourself, don't you?

So you are probably having a bit of fun here.

Let's... Oh, my God, look at that!

I can't draw at all.

You can't draw at all, look at that!

That's pathetic.

You've shamed the family!

I'm hopeless.

GONG

OK, time's up. A round of applause for our model, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much.

And I'd like to welcome our guests back to the sofas.

# The guests are taking their places

# Now the guests are all sat down. #

Thank you.

Well, it's time to decide on the winner for the Most Artistic Guest.

Now, sadly Tony Hart is no longer with us,

but I'm delighted to welcome the next best thing,

please give it up for Morph!

Good evening and welcome.

All right?

Now, thank you very much, Morph, for agreeing to judge this award.

Yeah. Well, I'm not really into art, to be honest, that's more Tony's department but I'll have a look.

Thank you. I actually nearly didn't recognise you, you've filled out a little bit.

Well, you know, middle aged spread, you tend to put on a bit of clay.

Now, before you decide on a winner,

let's have a look at what our guests have drawn.

So, Henning, tell us about your piece please.

-Well, what essentially I did is I looked at the model.

-Yeah.

And then I thought that model's got a head.

Yeah.

And then, that's how I then started with this circle

-and started then putting the hairs on top here.

-Yes.

So that way I knew which way round it was.

And then I just worked my way down, really.

What are you going to call your piece, Henning?

Dave.

Very nice, very nice.

OK. Graeme, perhaps you can show us your piece

and tell us what went through your tiny mind when you did this.

Yeah, I was doing a little still life of this coffee table

with the tea pot on it,

and this bloke got in the way.

Er, I call this Still Life Obscured.

Very nice, thank you very much, Graeme. Finally, Jason.

I see you've added some texture to the leg here.

-Yeah, well, I had a bit of time, because the stool didn't take as long as I thought.

-Right.

I probably thought I had more paper than I did.

Do you have a name for this piece?

I'm going to just call it simply Stool.

-Stool.

-Yeah.

Well, Morph, from seeing all the artwork, who are you going to give this award to?

-Well, you see, I don't really take much to this modern art.

-Right.

I mean, I like what I like and I know what I like.

All right, OK.

And I think it's going to have to be for Mr Graeme Garden.

Mr Graeme Garden, there we go.

Traditional art wins out.

The Lucas for Most Artistic Guest goes to Graeme Garden.

Also, a round of applause, please, for Morph, ladies and gentlemen.

I love that he thought it was modern art.

OK, on to our final award.

# I'm football crazy I'm football mad... #

I'm football psychotic, I'm working on my mental health issues

with a qualified psychiatrist.

We've got some way to go, but he feels we're making progress.

Yes, the next round is about football songs,

but we're not interested in the classics. Oh, no!

We want to hear your nominations please

for the Lucas for Dreadfullest Football Song Ever Sung.

Jason.

Diamond Lights by Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle.

Henning.

Far Away In America

by Village People and Deutsche Fussballnationalmannschaft.

And Graeme.

Sven, Sven, Sven by Bell and Spurling.

So the nominations for the Dreadfullest Football Song Ever Sung

are Diamond Lights,

Far Away In America

and Sven, Sven, Sven.

So first up, Jason's nomination,

Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle played together at Tottenham...

And in 1987 reached number 12 in the charts with this.

# Darling, I love you

# My diamond lights

# I'll always want you

# Darling, I love you

# My diamond lights

# I'll always need you

# Oh, darling. #

So, Jason, what do you think Glenn Hoddle did wrong in a former life

to have to come back and do that?

-I don't... What gets me on that is how seriously they're taking it.

-Yeah.

Every other football song looks like they're going,

"We're a load of lads, we're having a laugh, we're messing around."

They're taking it like they're thinking, "Right, the football's over.

"Forget... Glenn, leave the football now, this is our new career path."

But what producers have looked at footballers and gone,

"These two are really good footballers,

"I tell you what I want to see, I want to see if they can sing."

I mean, you don't look at girls aloud and go, "They'd make a good back four."

I forgive most of what Glenn Hoddle's done in the past,

I will not forgive that song.

Now, Jason, I'm having a problem working out

whether this is a dreadful song

or actually a wonderful song just dreadfully sung.

I think the only way to find out

is to hear this song sung by someone else.

So run with me on this.

-OK.

-I think we need to hear this song sung

by the person who has nominated it.

So if you'd like to join me over in the performance area, please.

Now then, now then, they usually play for Tottenham...

But tonight, please welcome

Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle with Diamond Lights.

# Eyes that freeze like ice

# Cold electric blue Those diamond lights. #

There's a little bit of a wait

-before the next bit.

-Oh, the big bit.

-It comes in now.

# You were hard as stone

# Solid stone

# For me. #

Then, I always get confused cos

I find it a very unmemorable song,

so are we supposed to sing now

or what?

# ...Rearrange my life

# Rearrange my life

# Can't explain... #

Oh, he knows what he's doing!

#...So afraid tonight. #

Here we go.

# Darling, I love you

# I'll always want you

# Darling, I love you. #

Very nice.

# I'll always need you

# Oh, darling

-# Diamond...

-Diamond...

-Diamond lights!

-Diamond lights! #

Jason Manford, ladies and gentlemen.

-Now, you and I...

-Mmm.

-You and I are both very, very accomplished singers.

-Yes, I know!

-But we struggled with that.

-We did.

Because it's a very, very unmemorable tune.

-It's awful.

-Yes.

-Awful, it's got nothing going for it at all.

-I mean, the fact that it's not been covered by anybody on X-Factor... shows you.

-Yeah.

Well, listen, the worse the rendition,

I think the greater the chance that your nomination's going to win,

so take heart from that.

Henning, you have chosen Far Away In America

by the Village People

und der Deutsche Fussballnationalmannschaft, is that correct?

Yes, that's what...it is these days.

Let's have a look at a clip.

# Far away in America

# We're going to make it

# Find a chance and take it

# Play in America

# We're going to make it

# Get it up and shake it

# You're going to fight for the light Play it

# Come on and go It's all right!

# Far away in America

# Far away in America

# Let's go. #

Now...

before our British viewers get too smug,

that was from the World Cup in 1994 when no British sides qualified.

However, before our German viewers get too smug,

you did get knocked out in the quarter finals by Bulgaria.

-So, Henning, I know that the World Cup took place in America.

-Yes.

But even so, how did this travesty happen?

Was Nena busy finally shaving her armpits that day?

No, they wanted to create an authentic song

and they thought, "We're going to America,

"then, let's sing a song with some yanks,"

but I mean, it's ridiculous, isn't it?

Because, I mean, the thing is, the song is quite good, isn't it,

because it's catchy, the team seem to have fun singing it,

so there is nothing wrong with that but there is intrinsically

something very, very wrong if you don't sing in your own language.

That is the same nonsense that we had in 2010

when Lena won the Eurovision Song Contest "for Germany."

How is it a triumph for Germany when she sings in English?

Trying to win the Eurovision Song Contest singing in a foreign language

is every little bit as ridiculous

as trying to win in the football World Cup with a foreign manager.

Aaah.

-I see where this is going.

-I see...

I'm going to edit out that applause, don't you worry.

Do you have happy memories of that World Cup?

How could I? We came, we crashed down in the quarter finals to a country that shouldn't even exist.

Henning, I still can't judge this.

I'm going to need for you to sing this song.

Perhaps you can also join us, Graeme and Jason,

as we go over to the performance area.

Is that right?

Hello, I'm Bruno Brookes singing Far Away In America.

Please welcome der Village People and der Deutsche Fussballnationalmannschaft.

# There's a time you can't go wrong

# When your heart arrives in America

# And you know the game is on

# That will change your life in America

# It's a land so wild and free

# Calling out to you and me

# Ready for some action

# That's the way it's going to be. #

Here we go!

# Far away in America

# We're going to make it

# Find a chance and take it

# Far away in America

# Far away in America

# Let's go! #

Henning Wehn, ladies and gentlemen.

Well done! If you'd like to make your way back to the sofa.

Please, welcome back, welcome back.

Welcome back to the sofa.

Thank you very much.

I'm disgusted.

You're disgusted by what?

That Henning sang that in English. It's terrible.

-Now, Graeme. You've chosen Sven, Sven, Sven.

-Yes.

-Which is a tribute to the then England manager Sven-Goran Eriksson.

-Yes.

Now this reached number 7 in the charts in October 2001.

Let's take a look at the video.

# Sven, Sven, Sven-Goran Eriksson

# He's got Jimmy Saville's haircut

# So how'd he get a lovely girlfriend

# He tried so many players for the Holland game

# Yeah, how'd he forget Collymore

# They say he's insane

Michael Owen levels it up for England

on 12 minutes in Munich!

What a start to the season!

He doesn't even look properly like Sven, he just looks like a man.

He looks like Sven would look if he wasn't Swedish,

was five years older, had dark hair, more hair and a different face.

Graeme, what is your issue with this song?

Well, apart from the slightly cheesy video.

Yeah.

Er...

Say something now.

I think we've turned him with this costume.

-Yes. But Bell and Spurling, I don't know which club they play for.

-Right.

But I just think footballers shouldn't try and sing songs like that, really.

I feel I ought to tell you that I don't think Bell and Spurling were themselves footballers.

-Weren't they?

-No.

-Oh!

I think they were just men.

They looked the type.

Where were you, Henning, when Sven's England beat Germany 5-1?

Well, for starters, it never happened.

No, honestly, honestly,

5-1 is a fluke scoreline.

Yeah.

Yeah, from a football game between England and Germany,

in the end, both of which did qualify for World Cup 2002.

Then, in the actual tournament, Germany goes on to play the final.

Admittedly, we lost, yes. But we made it all the way through to the final,

whereas England got sent packing weeks before that.

And that's why I genuinely do not understand the pride about that 5-1.

Yeah, it's like me walking up to a Russian fella and going,

"Oi, mate! Stalingrad, 1941!"

And I wouldn't do that because he would just turn round and go,

"Oi! Stalingrad, 1942!"

Well, Graeme, you know the score.

-Please take your place...

-Oh, no!

-In the performance area.

Hello, Pet. I'm Jayne Middlemiss.

Please welcome with Sven, Sven, Sven,

Graeme Garden and the real Bell and Spurling.

# Sven, Sven, Sven-Goran Eriksson

# He's got Jimmy Saville's haircut

# So how'd he get a lovely girlfriend

# He tried so many players

# For the Holland game

# How'd he forget Collymore

# They say he's insane

# Sven, Sven, Sven-Goran Eriksson. #

Europe!

# He's a lovely geezer

# But don't forget that he's from Sweden. #

Graeme.

# Up front there's Michael Owen

# And Heskey, that's his pal

# He should shave off...er...

# I don't understand all of this. #

# Seaman, Seaman, Seaman

# Your hair is in a right old state

# All you need is a Mark One Escort

# And a sovereign ring, mate

Have a go, man!

# What a wally David

# Looks his hair will have to go

# He's a cross between Burt Reynolds

# And Peter Stringfellow

# Sven, Sven, Sven-Goran Eriksson. #

Bell and Spurling and Graeme Garden, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much you two. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Graeme, if you'd like to make your way back.

The walk of shame, ladies and gentlemen.

Well done, Graeme. Does that change your mind at all?

-You know, it does.

-Does it?

I think that's probably the nicest football song I've ever sung.

Really?

-Were you nervous actually meeting them in real life?

-I was, yeah.

But they're just like ordinary people. They're lovely.

They're just like ordinary people.

So which song is going to win the Lucas

for the Dreadfullest Football Song Ever Sung.

Well, I think, Henning, Far Away In America,

I think your moustache is just slightly coming off there, by the way.

I think Far Away In America is great

because it gives us the chance

to see the German squad looking really uncomfortable,

which is something I rather enjoy.

-I don't think we can give the award to Sven, Sven, Sven.

-No.

Firstly, because I actually like that song.

Also, cos they're just over there and they can hear what we're saying.

Which means that the Lucas for Dreadfullest Football Song Ever Sung

has to go, and quite rightly, I think, to Diamond Lights.

Well, that's just about it for tonight.

We just have time to award the Lucas of Lucas's, the special Lucas,

that this week goes to the most efficient guest

and I wonder who that might go to.

I have a feeling it might go to Mr Henning Wehn, ladies and gentlemen.

Congratulations!

Thank you.

Henning, congratulations.

Is there anyone you'd like to thank?

Well, I think this is a triumph for Europe.

OK.

Now, a lot of people back home in the Fatherland,

they will be very delighted.

And well, what can I say?

It has been an absolute pleasure and delight

to dress up for you, lovely people, like a bloody idiot.

Thank you very much.

Congratulations. Henning Wehn, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, that's all we have time for. Thank you to all my guests.

Henning Wehn, Graeme Garden, Jason Manford, Bell and Spurling,

to my Mum, to David Arnold and to all of you for watching. Take it away!

# Good bye, my friends!

# That's all there is for me

# Sod off, go on, get on your bike!

# There's nothing more to see

# I gave you a show

# Which was rendered perfectly

# So if you didn't like it

# Why not just sell your TV?

# Turn your back on

# Your empty city life

# Foll by a barge for

# Just you and the wife

# And you can cruise

# Along the gorgeous Norfolk Broads

# And thus avoid

# The Matt Lucas Awards! #

Thank you!