Episode 1 The Mrs Merton Show

BIRDS CHIRPING

THEME TUNE STARTS

# You put the washing out it rains

# Your legs are full of aches and pains

# The crime rate's soaring in your street

# Or cul-de-sac

# So let the happy times begin

# Cos Mrs Merton's here again

# She'll share the joy that's in her heart

# Throughout the world. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEME TUNE PLAYS

Hello, I'm Mrs Merton, and welcome to the show.

My guests tonight are of such a high calibre we nearly didn't get them.

But who can refuse 2,000 quid

and a chance to show off to millions of people?

Not Steve Coogan, that's for sure.

LAUGHTER So, he's on the show.

Now, every woman's dream is to marry Paul Daniels.

This dream came true for the lovely Debbie McGee,

and she'll be popping up later,

so that will please my regular band, Hooky and the Boys.

GUITAR INSTRUMENTAL

Quite musical, that. LAUGHTER

They didn't half perk up a bit when I told them Debbie was on,

and you can't move here for the stench of Old Spice.

You know, normally they don't wash.

But without further ado,

here's a man who came third in the Olympics,

but he's coming first here tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kriss Akabusi.

MUSIC AND APPLAUSE

Oh, lovely.

Oh, well, nice to meet you, ma'am.

How lovely. Oh, sit down.

KRISS LAUGHS

Oh, it's lovely to have you on. Lovely aftershave.

LAUGHTER

They can smell it back there. Just for you, just for you, ma'am.

So, Kriss Akabusi.

Now, I'm not David Coleman.

You know... LAUGHTER

Anybody will tell you that.

You're far good-looking... Much better looking. Ah, thank you, Kriss.

But, you know, I do take an avid interest in sport, obviously.

So, Kriss Akabusi, what do you do, sports-wise?

LAUGHTER

I've just been transferred to Man United.

I'm playing centre-forward. Oh...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's very funny.

So, what sort of thing? It was running, wasn't it?

Every now and again. I'm only running to the toilet now, but, yes...

I used to run when I was on the track, and did hurdles, by the way.

And the hurdles as well. Didn't you see the entrance when I jumped... I did, it was marvellous.

Shall I do it again? No.

I was trying to watch it, but it was the aftershave...

LAUGHTER

But tell us, when did you realise first that you could run?

LAUGHTER Um...

I suppose really it was my mother who realised, because I, um,

you know, dribbled down her breast when I was...

LAUGHTER

No, I was a breast-fed baby, you see. That's what I meant. Oh, were you?

But actually... I wasn't actually asking you that.

LAUGHTER

Take me through a typical race.

You know, you're all lined up there with your feet in them clamps...

LAUGHTER

What's going through your mind, Kriss Akabusi?

Um, not too much, to be honest.

Because obviously, you know,

this is the big thing. Um, all of a sudden,

you hear the starter say, "On your marks!"

And... And it's like..."Hoot!"

Is that coming from you, that noise?

LAUGHTER

Is that a technique to put the other athletes off? Well...

What it is, it's called... It's called a turbocharger.

LAUGHTER I bet it is. I bet it is.

But do you have to plan your tactics before the race,

or do you just try and run faster than the other blokes?

LAUGHTER

Well, obviously, by the time you get to the track,

if you're not ready to run fast, it's all history. Yes.

But before the race, you do a lot of mental preparation,

you get yourself in gear and you...

I mean, running gear as well as mental gear.

And you prepare very hard, but when it comes to the big day,

your mind goes blank, you just focus into what you've got to do,

you hear the gun go bang and you run as fast as you can. Simple as that.

It sounds very simple. LAUGHTER

Are you sure it wasn't for laughing you won your medal,

not from running? KRISS LAUGHS

I love people who laugh a lot at nothing.

Do you laugh a lot, Mrs Merton? Oh, I do,

and a friend of mine, Lily,

she laughs from getting up in the morning

to going to bed at night, you know.

She laughs at everything. She's a little bit simple, really.

LAUGHTER

But...

Those Lycra shorts that they make you wear...

LAUGHTER

There's been, there's been a lot of fuss about those, hasn't there?

Do you think they're making a mountain out of a mole hill?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, maybe,

that's the sort of question you ought to ask Mr Christie. Really?

What I want to say, actually,

they're a very important fashion accessory. I bet they are.

Before the old Lycra shorts came in,

we used to have these real short shorts. Yes. Oh, I remember.

You remember those very short shorts? I do, yes.

Back in your day, Mrs Merton. Yes.

Well, I can remember, one of my very first races,

being a bigwig, everyone... Easy with the bigwig!

Being one of these top-class athletes... I don't think they got it.

LAUGHTER

Be as easy as you like with this. Go on.

And I was in one of these very short shorts

and we used to wear what we call athletic supports -

jockstrap, in the common vernacular. AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS

When the gun went bang - boom, I was out of here, running down the back straight. Eeeoow!

All of a sudden I heard, twang! LAUGHTER

Now, that wasn't my hamstring, Mrs Merton. That was my jockstrap.

All of a sudden... Did it smart?

LAUGHTER

My face, it went a little bit red, Mrs Merton. I bet you did.

And they went, ooh! LAUGHTER

I was running down the back straight

and I was trying to adjust myself properly.

When I crossed that line - boom, I hear the car. See ya! Ooh!

LAUGHTER

That's why now we wear those Lycra shorts...

I see, to hold it all... Hold it all in.

Do you know, this is in Manchester, of course,

and we were very upset when we didn't get the Olympic games.

Oh, yes. So was I, so was I.

You guys in Manchester, I was very upset as well.

Well, we've got the drugs for them, haven't we?

LAUGHTER

Oh, Mrs Merton!

APPLAUSE

But...

APPLAUSE

Very topical, very topical.

KRISS LAUGHS But...

Do you ever breathe in, Kriss?

LAUGHTER

You now... You present Record Breakers, don't you?

What's that all about, then?

Uh... Breaking records.

Yeah, well, it's a show that's been going for a very long time,

even when you were a little girl.

Maybe not quite when you were a little girl, Mrs Merton,

but it's been going on for a very long time.

I've been involved with the programme for the last two years.

You know what strikes me, when people break those records,

isn't it a coincidence that Norris McWhirter's always there?

He is, isn't he?

He's all over the place. He is.

Norris is the man, he knows. It's intuition, he knows.

In fact, you don't know, Mrs Merton,

but he is going to be here tonight

because yours is going to be a record-breaking show, Mrs Merton!

Are you on something?

LAUGHTER

I'm in Manchester, so it must be in the air. I think it is.

But my friend, Lily,

she tried to get in to the Guinness Book Of Records

for having the longest beard in the north west.

They said there was no category for that,

and apparently Judith Chalmers is always ringing up...

LAUGHTER

..to get in. So, something there for you to think about.

But when they don't actually break these records,

you can't help but laugh, can you? You know?

When you think of the time they spent practising.

That's life though, isn't it? It is.

A record wouldn't be a record if it wasn't hard to break. No.

That's what we say to all our record-breakers,

that if you don't do it, don't worry.

Thousands have tried and thousands have failed.

Welcome to the bunch. And does that help them? No. No!

Can I say to you, most sportsmen, you know,

they don't have personalities.

Sebastian Coe springs to mind.

But can I just say, and this is why I like you so much,

you're oozing personality out of every orifice.

You really are. Can I blow my nose?

Ladies and gentlemen, will you thank Kriss Akabusi!

APPLAUSE

Unlike her husband, Paul Daniels,

who's known for his cunning stunts,

my next guest is known for her stunning costumes.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Debbie McGee.

APPLAUSE

I can't believe you've only just met.

This is my Christmas present all over again!

I just couldn't resist that!

Was that a trick?

I think that's what they call it in America.

Now Paul's not here you're anyone's.

So, Debbie, very pleasing on the eye, if I might say so.

I think Kriss has realised that.

Thank you.

But what first, Debbie,

attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well...

Well, do you really want to know the truth? Yes, I do.

Paul married me for my money.

APPLAUSE

But, in fact, when I first... How I met Paul was that I worked with him.

But I had no idea who he was or what he did.

I'd lived out of the country and he'd become famous. Yes.

And I was a dancer and I auditioned for his show but I never met Paul.

No. Then they said, "It's the Paul Daniels show,"

so I had to ring up my friend and say... "Who is he?"

I've got this job with this guy called Paul Daniels.

What does he do? They said, "He's a magician."

I said, "Oh, no. I hate magicians." I've got four months of this.

But then, you see, his looks and sex appeal attracted me.

Won you over.

No, I think of you both as our vision of David Copperfield

and Claudia Schiffer,

but, you know, on a lower budget.

Do you get compared to them two? All the time.

It's very confusing for people actually.

They mistake me for Claudia Schiffer. I know, it's terrible.

And Paul for David Copperfield. I bet they do.

I once saw David Copperfield

and he made the Statue of Liberty disappear.

And I've seen your Paul do the same thing with the eight of clubs.

So, something there for us to think about.

But, Debbie, we all know you as Paul Daniels's assistant,

but what people don't know is you're a person in your own right.

Aren't you? Yes, here I am.

Lovely.

Ogling you there.

Tell us about that. About me? Yes.

Well, now, people are going to get to know that I'm a person even more

because we're doing a new TV show called Secrets. Oh, yes?

It's a nightclub and we both co-host it.

So, where in the past they haven't let me talk,

they've now given me a mic and they're starting to regret it,

because I come on and tell jokes. Do you?

And interrupt Paul and say, "Look, I don't like that trick,

"let's do something else," or, "What are you doing?"

Do you do tricks for each other at home? Does he make things...

Does he make things pop up willy-nilly?

LAUGHTER

This is called the nice Mrs Merton!

Yes.

Debbie, you know, we're taking magic very lightly here, aren't we?

But it can actually be dangerous,

and a friend of mine, Betty,

she was once at a magic show

and the magician, he produced a watch from behind her ear.

Do you know, something, Debbie, she's never been the same

and she's now in a home where they can only feed her soup.

Does that worry you at all?

Erm...

No, I think I was affected before I got involved in it.

Really? But, you know, let me pose a hypothetical question to you.

Say, you wake up...

That's a long word. It is, isn't it? But I got it out.

That's magic, isn't it?

Say you wake up of a night and you're in your bed

and you just wake up

and you put your hand out to stroke Paul's little head

and he's not there.

Do you look up and he's at the end of the bed

pulling doves out of his pyjamas?

Do you find that happens?

Yes. Quite a lot?

Quite a lot. Yes, he pulls things out of his pyjamas.

Actually, he doesn't wear pyjamas!

We're finding out the truth now. I'm very honest.

So, what does he wear?

His birthday suit. His birthday...

Oh, I'm feeling nauseous now.

I've come over all nauseous.

But my husband, he's a great fan of Paul Daniels.

By the way, are you Paul Merton's mother? No, no, I'm not. Are you?

LAUGHTER

No, but my husband...

My husband's a great fan of Paul Daniels.

He really, really is.

That and anything with Alan Titchmarsh in.

Any strong views on Alan Titchmarsh, Kriss?

One way or the other?

Who's Alan Titchmarsh?

You were on his show once. Was I?!

No! On Pebble Mill... Sorry. Oh, I'm sorry!

Do you remember now? Yeah, nice guy.

Oh, lovely!

Very memorable, isn't he?

What I'm going to do with you now, Debbie,

I'm going to throw you open to the general public in here

and see what questions they'd like to ask you.

Who'd like to ask Debbie McGee a question?

What about Jeff up there at the back?

Debbie, I'd like to ask you,

what's your favourite trick and do you ever get backache?

That's a bit saucy, isn't it? It is a bit saucy, isn't it?

Don't answer it, don't... It's only Jeff.

Making rude people disappear. I think that's my favourite trick.

Do you know, I've seen Paul make you disappear on the telly.

Are you going to make Paul disappear,

because that would guarantee a lot of viewers.

So, any other questions for Debbie?

What about this lady here with the glasses on?

You know the one where you get sawn in half, how do you do that?

Debbie, how do you do that? Beautifully.

You can't tell that lady then? I can't tell. I'd get the sack.

I would get chucked out of the Magic Circle.

Has a trick ever gone wrong like that? Well, obviously not, but...

Do you want to see the scars, do you? Kriss does!

HE LAUGHS

It's too much!

We flew up... This is really funny.

We flew up on the same plane together, but we didn't know...

With the same crate of lager.

LAUGHTER

We didn't know who each other... Who we were. Bizarre.

We both smiled and said hello. As you do.

We came out of the airport, and headed for the same taxi man...

Oh, yes, yes.

We both looked at each other and thought,

"Oh, we're travelling together!"

And then you got the little "ping"!

"Oh, it's you." He said, "Oh, and it's you."

I take it you'll be saying in the same hotel tonight.

Need we say more? Back to Paul Daniels.

I think you forgot him for the moment.

You know when you're an assistant,

you always look very, very glamorous.

You always look lovely.

Do you choose those outfits yourself

or does Paul have a hand in it?

I choose them. And I have them made,

so I'm involved with the drawings and buying fabric and everything. Lovely.

Yeah, it's fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you thank the lovely Debbie McGee!

APPLAUSE

Hooky, did you like Debbie? She was lovely, yes.

Yeah, I saw you ogling her with them leather trousers on.

So, Jean, are you all right there in that jacket?

Yes, thank you.

You don't want to take it off? No, thank you.

You won't feel the benefit of it when you get out.

LAUGHTER

My next guest has been described as Britain's tallest man.

Here to tell us why, please welcome Britain's tallest man,

Chris Greener.

# I'm on the top of the world

# Looking down on creation

# For the only explanation

# I can find... #

There you are. Look at that difference!

Lovely.

Sit down.

It's lovely to have you on, Chris.

It's lovely to be here. Oh, I wish I'd put my heels on, I really do!

You can borrow mine if you like.

You are tall, aren't you?

So it says.

Do you think he's tall, Jean? I do.

What about you, Ada, do you think he's tall?

Yes, a bit taller than me, isn't he?

He is! Do you think he's tall - in the front?

Yeah.

They all do, Chris, they all do.

So tell me, you're Britain's tallest man, aren't you?

That's right.

So how tall exactly are you?

Seven feet 6? inches.

Gosh! Are you the world's tallest man?

No, the tallest man in the world is about an inch taller than me.

Oh, well keep trying. I will! LAUGHTER

So, tell me, a lot of the ladies in the audience... Yes.

Are dying for me to ask you this question.

LAUGHTER How big...

is your wife?

Would you say?

I'm not married. Are you not? Oh!

Even with these long legs I can't still can't run fast enough.

Have you had to specially adapt your life

to cope with your enormity?

APPLAUSE

At all, in any way? No, not really.

I haven't changed my house at all,

it's still the same old house as it was when it was built.

I just duck when I go through the doorways. Do you? Yes.

But you've done some films, haven't you?

What films were they?

Probably the best-known film was Elephant Man. Elephant Man. Yes.

What part were you in that?

I played the giant. The giant!

I did audition for the dwarf but the costume didn't fit!

What other sort of films have you done?

I was in a film called Gun Bust,

where I played a giant.

You're getting typecast, aren't you? Yes.

Another film in Czechoslovakia called The Brave Little Tailor.

You weren't the little tailor then?

No. A giant again.

LAUGHTER

Do you like animals, Chris?

Do I like animals? Yes. I love them.

Do you? Yes.

Why are baboons bottoms so red?

LAUGHTER

It's something I always wonder about.

It's funny you should say that because, actually,

I've been wondering about that as well.

I take it you've never done anything to stunt your growth,

like smoking or any other...

No, no. See, Bernard, this could have been you! You know.

It's been marvellous having you on, Chris, it really, really has.

If you get any taller, Chris,

will you come back and tell us all about it?

LAUGHTER

Will you? I'd be delighted to.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you thank Chris Greener!

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

How tall are you, Ada?

About five foot, I think, now.

Five foot, give her a round of applause!

APPLAUSE

My next guest started off putting on funny hats

and doing silly voices to entertain his family.

He now entertains the nation doing exactly the same thing.

Let's have a madcap five minutes

in the company of award-winning funny man Steve Coogan.

# Welcome to the house of fun

# Now I've come of age

# Welcome to the house of fun. #

Thank you, lovely!

Sit down.

It's lovely. Lovely to have you on.

And you are a big hit in the world of comedy

with the younger element, aren't you?

But a lot of the older people,

they have absolutely no clue...

as to who you are.

Who are you, Steve?

Who am I? I'm Steve Coogan.

Steve Coogan.

I do funny voices and funny characters on television.

You do indeed, don't you?

And, of course, you started off on Spitting Image, didn't you? Mm-hm.

As an impressionist. Tell us about that.

Well, Spitting Image is basically...

It's a programme with rubber puppets, you see.

How do you get into them?

LAUGHTER

It's a very tight fit. It is! I bet it is!

But tell us what voices you did on there. I did Neil Kinnock.

Neil Kinnock.

AS NEIL KINNOCK: I did Neil Kinnock,

with his lovely, round, Welsh voice, shouting very loudly like that!

That's marvellous. Who else did you do? Ronnie Corbett. Oh, do Ronnie.

Would we like to see Ronnie Corbett? ALL: Yes!

Do Ronnie Corbett.

AS RONNIE CORBETT: Good evening. Ha-ha-ha!

Good evening and welcome...

Ha-ha-ha! Good heavens.

It's remarkable!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can you do Frank Spencer?

HE SNIGGERS

Oh, go on, we'd love to see it.

Because a lot of these older people tonight,

they've come a long way, in a specially adapted coach,

just see you.

And it would be a treat for them.

Do you want me to do Harold Wilson as well? Yes. All the topical ones.

Do Frank Spencer.

AS FRANK SPENCER: Nnnnh.

Shall I put it over there or do it in the morning?

That's marvellous.

I wish they'd bring him back.

But now, of course, you've started moving on to do characters,

and you do Alan Partridge,

which is a made-up character who hosts a chat show.

That's a very unusual idea, isn't it? But very successful.

Tell me, did you enjoy playing Alan?

It was great fun, it was great fun.

Because, of course, you get to make fun of your guests.

You enjoy that, do you?

Sound familiar? No, not at all.

No, I did watch it and I thought it was very, very good.

But, you know, I think you will be as big as Mike Yarwood one day.

LAUGHTER

I really do.

I'll look forward to that.

Everybody loves to laugh, don't they?

We all love to laugh.

Do you think that's helped you in your career as a comedian?

Yeah, yeah. It's amazing,

because you know that if people are laughing at what you do...

They like it. They like it.

And if they're not laughing... They don't.

LAUGHTER

But, you know, now you've got all this new-found wealth,

all this money, you've not gone and blown it on a fast sports car,

like a Porsche, have you, or anything like that?

What kind of car do you drive, Steve?

A Porsche.

LAUGHTER

Was that your Porsche you were driving earlier?

Only I saw Hooky and the Boys,

they were putting a stripe on it with their keys.

It's a go-faster stripe.

It was, it was, you've them to thank for that.

Oh, Steve, hang on a minute there. You're doing very well, don't go.

Nick, has that Debbie McGee gone?

Yes. Do Paul Daniels for us.

LAUGHTER

Go on, we'd love to see it.

AS PAUL DANIELS: Now you will like this, not a lot but you'll like it.

APPLAUSE

That's marvellous!

We had the tallest man on before you.

I don't know whether you saw him, did you see him?

Yes, I did, he was very tall. He was tall.

Could you impersonate somebody that tall?

Erm... I'll have a go.

Oh, yes!

APPLAUSE

Actually, I like to rise to a challenge. You do.

Who'd have thought standing on a couch could be so funny! It was.

You young, up-and-coming comedians.

But how would you impersonate a man like him,

what sort of voice would you do for him?

What, for a tall man? LAUGHTER

Yes.

I'd do a very tall voice, I'd go, "Ohh, I'm tall!"

But most comedians,

behind their happy, happy face,

there is a sad secret.

What's your sad secret?

Get it out on national television, give it an opening.

I've got a bit of flab around my waist.

Can we see it? No.

Do Frank Spencer again then. AS FRANK SPENCER: Oooh, Betty!

I'm going to throw you open at this point, Steve Coogan,

I'm going to throw you open to the general public.

So, Bernard, what would you like to ask?

Did you have a particular person in mind

to use as a model for Alan Partridge?

That's a good question.

Well, lots of people from all over the broadcasting world.

People like Alan Titchmarsh,

who you mentioned earlier, David Coleman, Terry Wogan,

Terry Christian.

Other people called Terry.

It's very good. A little smidgen of you in there as well.

Really? Which bit?

LAUGHTER

Any other questions to Steve Coogan? What about this lady here?

Can you do Jeremy Paxman? Jeremy Paxman.

DRAWLS LIKE JEREMY PAXMAN: Yeassss, and now on Newsnight...

he'd sort of accentuate the odd word

for no apparent reason.

So, erm... Sorry, is that not funny?

No, it was very good.

I'm just desperately trying to remember who Jeremy Paxman is!

I'm sure it's just like him.

Like Jeremy Beadle but a bit more serious.

Can you do Jeremy Beadle? No.

Oh, what a shame.

So, Steve, it's been lovely to talk about you.

Did you ever dream, years and years ago,

you'd be on the same show as Kriss Akabusi, Debbie McGee,

and a big, tall man?

Did you? I did, funnily enough.

Do you know something, Stephen,

and I really mean this, you don't look out of place, you really don't.

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Coogan!

APPLAUSE

Well, that's all for this week.

I'd like to thank all my guests tonight,

Kriss Akabusi, Debbie McGee,

Chris Greener and Steve Coogan.

Take it away, Hooky and the Boys!

# Put the washing out in rain

# Your legs are full of aches and pains

# The crime rate's soaring in your street

# Or cul-de-sac

# So let the happy times begin

# Cos Mrs Merton's here again

# She'll share a joy that's in her heart

# Throughout the world. #

On your marks. Get set. Bake!

I've got to be at the top of my game, you know.

Stay focused, keep my feet on the ground, just keep grafting.