Christmas Special The Perfect Morecambe & Wise

Ladies and gentlemen! The British Broadcasting Corporation

proudly presents the Morecambe and Wise Christmas Show!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

-Thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-Good evening.

-Welcome to the show.

-And a very Merry Christmas to you.

-Aha-ha.

-Say Merry Christmas to them.

-Happy Easter.

-Happy Easter?

-It's a hell of a long show, this.

-Well, Eric, there you are.

-For me?

-My Christmas present, from me to you.

-Thank you, I'll open it now.

-No, don't open it now.

-I tend to get rather emotional at a time like this.

-I understand.

-I'll save it for later.

-Thank you, thank you. Where's mine?

-Pardon?

LAUGHTER

-Where's mine?

-Just turned 50 and you've forgotten?

LAUGHTER

Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise! Hold that. Sorry!

-Yes.

-You've forgotten?

-Never.

-You got me a present?

Present for Mr Wise, please.

-Oh, my gosh! So generous!

-There you are.

That is the most beautiful present I have ever seen.

-Only the best for you, Ernie.

-It's a lovely desk.

-All your work.

I will write some wonderful plays on this desk for you, Eric.

No, it's not the desk.

It's not the desk? It's not the two fellows, is it?

-Play your cards right, it could be, yes!

-Not the desk? What is it?

OK, boys. Thank you very much.

LAUGHTER

Merry Christmas.

LAUGHTER Merry Christmas?

Don't write with it now, because I do tend to get rather emotional.

-A boilpoint pen?

-A boilpoint pen, to boot!

LAUGHTER

-That means it writes on the skin.

-A ballpoint pen.

-Ballpoint pen.

And what's that thing, hanging down from it?

That's where I snapped the chain at the Post Office.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

You got to be quick and run like hell.

-It's a rotten present, that is. Rotten.

-It is, isn't it?

-Rotten Christmas present.

-I thought of that. Can I open this now?

Go on, open it.

-I wonder what it is.

-Well, it's a long player, isn't it?

-Eh?

-A long player.

Oh, really? Marvellous, that. I dare not look, really.

Is it something I have always wanted?

-Something you have always wanted.

-An old Bing Crosby or something like that?

-It's not Bing Crosby.

-No.

-Louis Armstrong?

-No, it's not Louis Armstrong.

-Ellie Wallace?

-No.

Des O'Connor.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

All I said was "Des O'Connor".

LAUGHTER

If you want me to be a goner, get me an LP by Des O'Connor!

Aargh!

Look at that face! Look at that face!

That's the most unusual record he has ever made.

Is it the one where he sings the right notes?

-Is this the one?

-Yes... No, side two, track three.

He sings the right note and you hear the slump of the control as he falls over the controls!

-I like that!

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, they love it. You see?

-You see what I mean? Thank you!

-Thank you. Very good.

-Oh, yes!

-That is enough, that's enough! We have got a dozen more like that.

-We've got more like that.

-A dozen more!

-That is the best record Des has ever made.

-You mean, there's nothing on it at all?

-LAUGHTER

Nothing on it at all! Did you hear that? Where did you get it from?

-Boots.

-Boots?! Did you need a prescription?

LAUGHTER

-I got it on the poison counter!

-On the poison counter! How do you do?

Have you seen that nose there?

Looks like Concorde coming out of the hangar for the first time!

And those teeth!

Like a set of white bollards at the end of a long dark tunnel.

I feel ill every time...

-What's the matter?

-I like him.

LAUGHTER

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, I've always liked him.

He's smart, intelligent, full of wit,

-charm and a lovely singing voice.

-Lovely singing voice?

-One of the best ever.

-You've changed your tune!

As far as I'm concerned, I still think he is lou...vely

I think you are louvely! We are two of your biggest fans.

-Two of your biggest fans. Get a chair for Mr Des, please.

-Chair, please.

-Cancel that.

Make it a three-piece suite and get Arthur Negus to bring it on.

-Arthur Negus will bring it on.

-Lovely to see you, Des.

-Lovely to see you.

-Des, what are you going to sing on our show?

-I've got a new album...

-Just a moment, I need a word with you. Hold on one second.

-What's the matter?

I don't mind him standing there, but I don't want him singing on the show.

-You don't?

-I'm not too keen on him standing there.

-You had better give him something.

-Give him a get well card and send him home.

Well, Des, I don't know what to say.

-We were just talking about you, Des.

-We were just talking about you, Des.

You haven't stopped talking about me for the past six years.

-He has turned nasty, hasn't he?

-He has tumbled.

-He has tumbled.

-Start crawling.

-Start crawling.

-Hi, Des.

-Must ingratiate myself.

Lovely to see you. What a great sense of humour you have got.

Lovely suit. Marvellous.

Of course, with a sense of humour, you need a suit like that.

Or with a suit like that, you need a sense of humour!

-LAUGHTER

-That's two for the price of one!

Des, I just bought Eric your latest LP. This is great.

Sing-along-o'-Desperate. I think it's marvellous.

I tell you what, I'm thrilled.

I ran my finger down one of the grooves and I was impressed.

-Absolutely fantastic. I shall treasure this for the rest of my life.

-Yes.

That may not be too long, Eric.

Listen, fellows, may I ask one simple little question?

-Simple little question?

-Yes.

-No, it isn't.

-No. But don't blow to hard.

No, it's something different. It's the...

-The insults, why?

-Why?

Week in, week out. Why the insults?

Insults? Who has been insulting?

If you tell us who it is, we will have him done over, won't we?

-We will!

-Won't have that with our friends!

-I'll tell you!

You.

And you.

Never!

LAUGHTER

-Never! Never heard anything like that.

-Excuse me.

-It was you, you and especially, you!

-Three of us.

I have kept a list of the insults against Des O'Connor.

-I have forgotten half of those.

-Oh, yeah.

-There's a whole series, there.

I shall read them one at a time.

-We are leaving the country in August, aren't we?

-Yes, we're going.

Number one. Eric: I've just heard some good news. Ernie: What good news?

Eric: Des O'Connor has got a sore throat.

You wrote that, didn't you?!

Number two. Ernie: Des O'Connor is a self-made man.

Eric: I think it's very nice of him to take the blame.

Number three. Eric: Des O'Connor is suffering from athletes voice.

Ernie: How do you mean?

Eric: When you hear him sing, you want to run!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-Make up your mind. It's one of these "keep moving" shows.

-It has to be.

Listen, fellows, I suppose with a new series coming up,

-you've got one or two insults lined up?

-Only one or two, that's all.

-Only one or two.

-That's my album.

-Look at that.

Seeing we know you so well now, we won't use them.

No, we're not going to do them. You're all right.

-Anyway, gentleman...

-Where? Oh!

Sorry. I covered your line, there.

-Quite all right.

-"Use the word loosely."

-I was just about to say...

-I get a feeling I'm interrupting!

-No, you're all right.

I'm working you with my foot. Don't worry about it.

I'm beginning to enjoy it. I was just about to say...

LAUGHTER

-Are they for keeps or just for lenses?

-Just for lenses.

-I want to know something.

-You have been saving them up.

I want to know who has been giving you the injections!

I would like to know one thing. In fact, I don't even have to know it.

-It's there in my brain. An indelible thought.

-This is all new.

He never once said "indelible thought" at rehearsal!

It was all indelible rubbish, wasn't it? Now I tell you one thing.

-I'm going home, in a minute.

-I have... I have come to a solution.

-Ah.

-Aha.

-That's good.

-That's good. We've got to it now, have we? A solution.

That one person, and only one person,

was responsible for these evil insults.

I'm here.

Who? Who?

-I don't like to name names.

-Was it somebody...short? Short?

Somebody tall...tall.

With short, fat, hairy legs?

With a tall, fat, hairless head.

-The man I have in mind... If you'll excuse me.

-Certainly.

The man I have in mind is...

-Hard.

-Hard.

-Hard.

-Hard.

H-A-R-D, hard.

And I'm really enjoying this!

-What else is he?

-Er... Tough.

-Tough.

T-O-U-G-H...

Another word.

Unscrupulous!

LAUGHTER

A report on the economy has just come through from Number 11 Downing Street.

The Chancellor's statement reads as follows.

"There may be trouble ahead,

"but while there's moonlight and music, and love and romance..."

MUSIC: "Let's Face The Music And Dance"

# Let's face the music and dance! #

# You were meant for me

# I was meant for you

# Nature fashioned you and when she was done

# You were all the sweet things rolled into one

# Plaintive melody

# Ah

# That will not set me free

# I contend the angels must have sent you

# And they meant you just for... #

-# A

-You're adorable

-# B

-But you're beautiful

-# C

-You're a cutie full of charm

-# A

-You're adorable

-# B

-But you're beautiful

-# F

-You're a feather in my cap

-# G

-You look good to me

-# A

-You're adorable

-# B

-But you're beautiful

-# C

-You're a cutie full of charm

# It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you

# But what are we going to do about him

-# Who, me?

-Yes!

-# A

-You're adorable

-# B

-But you're beautiful

-# C

-You're a cutie full of charm

-# J

-You're like Jack and Jill

-# K

-You're so kissable

-# Eh!

-You're adorable

# B Wander through the alphabet with you

But what are we going to do about him?

Hey...oof!

One, two, one, two, three, four!

LATIN MUSIC

Pina!

LATIN MUSIC RESUMES, SPEEDS UP

MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS

-Are you all right?

-Eh?

# You're adorable

-# B

-But you're beautiful

-# C

-You're a cutie full of charm

# It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you

# But what are we going to do about him?

# Two three, four,

-# A

-You're adorable

-# B

-But you're beautiful

-# C

-You're a cutie full of charm

-# W

-It's fun to wander through the alphabet with you... #

APPLAUSE

We've got to get some more guests on the show.

-I know that, don't I, you fool! I know that.

-Somebody important.

Somebody with a bit of class. From the theatre or the world of music.

-Who do you have in mind?

-Him.

-Oh, no, not Andre Previn!

-Yeah.

-He's rubbish.

He's rubbish. He can't conduct, he can't sing, he can't dance, he can do nothing.

None of these people will work with us again.

I'll soon fix that, don't worry.

Hello?

Mr Preview?

The BBC here.

We have got a very big show going out on Christmas night

and we would like you to take part.

Can you do it?

Yes, I'd like to do that. That sounds very interesting.

What's the name of the programme?

Oh, the Morecambe And Wise Show...

Yes, well, I'll have to think that over.

I've thought it over and the answer is no.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Thank you. Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

-Oh, look.

-How do you do?

-A drunk. There's a drunk just come out.

-A drunk?

-Play it cool, don't worry about it.

-Don't you remember me?

-No, sir.

-I was on your show a few weeks ago!

They all say that!

I know I've grown a beard since then but surely you recognise me.

-That bad, were you?

-LAUGHTER

Hey! It's not the one who comes down at the end

-and everyone says "Who is she?"

-No, no. Could you give us a clue, sir?

-A clue?

-A clue, yes, please.

-All right.

# Oh! Mr Porter What shall I do?

# I wanted to go to Birmingham and they've taken me on to Crewe! #

Marie Lloyd. Is it Marie Lloyd?

No, no. Would you just leave your name and address, sir?

Suppose I were to say "Forsythe"?

You can say that if you want, it's a nice word, that.

-Nothing wrong with foresight, is there?

-No!

Foresight, he can say foresight, can't he? It's not rude?

Foresight? What? Course he can, yes. You can say it.

-Saga!

-Oh, you can't say that, that's rude.

That is rude. I'm sorry about that, lads.

Three of them have put their coats on and gone home.

Sorry, boys. Shouldn't say saga.

-Well, what can I say?

-Not a lot. Figure something.

-Who are you?

-I don't know who you are. What's your name?

-Eric.

-Eric?

-Eric, yes, you called?

-Porter!

-Porter?

-Eric Porter! Of course!

-You remember now!

-We don't want him on, he was rotten the last time!

-Shut up!

This is Eric Porter!

Delighted to see you. Delighted.

Well, it was Christmas and I was passing

and I thought I'd just come round and say Merry Christmas.

-Isn't that lovely?

-The festive season.

-Merry Christmas to you.

-And a merry...

-Goodwill to all men.

-And I'd ask for a job.

-Get off.

Now, where were we?

-A famous actor like you, looking for work?

-I'm in dire straits.

I've played there. It's on the Welsh coast.

-Played there.

-I'm sorry, sir, we haven't got an opening for you.

Well, look, I don't mind what it is.

I pride myself that I can turn my hand to quite a lot of things.

-I have heard that. I have heard that.

-Well, I don't know.

With a beard like that, you shouldn't have any difficulty getting work.

That's true. I tell you what. I promise you one thing.

If we need a busted sofa, I'll give you a ring.

Look, you've upset him now, Eric.

It is Christmas, you've got to be nice to people. I tell you what.

-We've never had any Shakespeare on the show, have we?

-Up till now.

-You'd like a bit of Shakespeare?

-That's plenty.

Thank you very much.

All right. No, no. Just let me think.

-Well, it's not my fault, is it?

-You have these people on.

-DECLAIMS:

-If they could see me now That little gang of mine

I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine

-MUSIC STARTS:

-# I'd like those stumblebums to see for a fact

# The sort of top-drawer first-class chums I attract

# All I can say is "Wowee! Look at where I am

# "My feet have landed, pow Right in a pot of jam"

# What a set-up, holy cow They'd never believe it

# If my friends could see me now

# If they could see me now

# My little dusty group

# Traipsin' round this million-dollar chicken coop

# I'd hear those thrift-shop cats say "Brother, get him"

# Draped on a bedspread made from three kinds of skin

# All I can say is "Wow! Wait till the riff and raff

# "See just exactly how I sign my autograph"

# What a set-up, holy cow They'd never believe it

# If my friends could see me now

# They'd never believe it If my friends could see me

# Friends could see me

# Friends could see me

# Friendship, friendship Just a perfect friendship

# If my friends could see me now! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# The red red robin goes bob-bob-bobbing along

# There'll be no more trouble when he keeps singing

# His old sweet song

# Oh, wake up, wake up... #

Open the curtains, please!

-Yes. Thank you.

-ORCHESTRA TUNES UP

-Is this the band?

-This is the band, yes.

I've seen better bands on a cigar.

Which one's the fixer?

-Which one?

-Which one?

-The one in the gold lame suit.

They usually are. Right. I'll go get the music.

-Incidentally, where's the piano?

-It's...

-Never mind, this'll do.

Now, I hope, sir, that you understand these squiggly lines.

-I think so, yes.

-Oh, good. Because the reason I ask is,

the second movement is most important to me.

You see, in the second movement, not too heavy on the banjos.

-Oh, no.

-Banjo, keep it down.

Vulgar, vulgar. Keep it way down.

That's the word I was looking for, way down. Yes. That's very good.

-Because that is me, there, you see.

-Lovely.

-Me playing the Grieg Piano Concerto.

-Yes, yes.

Signed autograph later on, boys.

If I could just explain to Mr Preview...

You see, I want you to notice that Eric does play

-the original version of Grieg's Piano Concerto.

-Yes.

-The one we played before we went decimal.

-But look here.

-This is not the original version.

-Not the original?

-What are you talking about?

-I'll explain. It's very simple.

After the opening timpani row, in the original version,

the piano takes over. Here you've got that piece

played by the full orchestra.

-Ah, yes. But this is a special arrangement.

-A special arrangement?

-Of the Grieg Piano Concerto?

-Yes!

-I've never heard of that before.

That's the idea. Everybody plays it this way.

I thought we'd do something different.

-Whatever you say, whatever you say.

-I'll announce it, shall I?

-Do that.

-You're doing well, you're doing well.

-Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, Grieg's Piano Concerto by Grieg.

Soloist, Mr Eric Morecambe,

-conducted by Mr Andre Previn.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

What's the matter?

-The introduction.

-The introduction's wrong?

-It's too short.

-It's too short?!

-Oh, you noticed?

-Yes.

By how much is it too short?

-Well, you see, I went down here like that.

-Yes.

-And came back.

-You wasted some time there.

-Yes.

You see, it's about...

-I would say about that much.

-Yes.

-That's a yard?

-It's about a yard.

-About a yard.

-Yes, if you could lengthen it by about a yard,

-we'll be in.

-And what do you think we can do about that?

-Well...

-Well, I mean, that's nothing to do with me.

-My musical manager does all this.

-Get in touch with Grieg?

-Good idea!

-You mean...call him on the phone?

-We could call him on the phone!

I didn't bring his phone number.

-It's Norway something-or-other, isn't it?

-What's the code?

-Fingal's Cave, or something.

-I think it's Fingal's Cave.

Mind you, you might not get him. He could be out skiing.

-Look, could we just try it again? Try it again.

-I tell you what.

-Yes.

-This time I'll sit down there waiting.

-What a good thought!

-Hey!

-You'd be ready!

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, Grieg's Piano Concerto,

soloist Eric Morecambe, conductor Mr Andrew Preview.

What?

Any time.

Could I have a word with you, please?

Look, you see, it's one of those things where... Where's he gone?

-He's there.

-Oh, he's there.

-You see... I hope you don't mind me saying this.

-No.

But when you got to the part which was my cue,

-I couldn't see you for the lid of the piano.

-Yes.

-The lid of the piano was in the way?

-Was it?

-Yes.

-Yes, it was.

-The lid of the piano.

-I don't know what we can do about that.

-He wants to be taller, doesn't he?

-Yeah.

-Could you wear high heels?

Again?

You don't have to, you know.

-I don't know what we can do about that.

-I have a suggestion.

Would you jump up in the air?

So I can see you over the lid of the piano?

-If you could jump up...

-You want me to actually jump into the air

on the rostrum in order so you can see my cue?

Yes. I mean, if you'd do that for me.

-You know. If you'd do that.

-Yes.

I'll do that for you.

-Nice man, isn't he?

-Isn't he charming?

-I like him.

Grieg, by... With him and him.

Great!

PLAYS CHEERFULLY

Something wrong with the violins?

No, there's nothing wrong with the violins.

That's only your opinion.

What... What were you playing, just then?

The Grieg Piano Concerto.

But...you're playing all the wrong notes.

I'm playing all the right notes.

But not necessarily in the right order.

I'll give you that.

I'll give you that, sunshine.

That sounded quite reasonable to me.

Are you satisfied, Mr Preview?

No!

BOTH: No?!

What do you mean, no?!

-I'm not satisfied.

-Why not?

Look here. With all due.. Would you mind?

Don't forget, for another £4, we could have got Edward Heath.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

HE PLAYS GRIEG'S "PIANO CONCERTO"

Rubbish!

HE PLAYS ERIC'S VERSION

That's it! You've got it!

APPLAUSE

HE SPEEDS UP

Lovely!

I'm Eric Porter.

I was on the Morecambe And Wise Show.

Look what happened to me.

LAUGHTER

# Bring me sunshine

# In your smile

# Bring me laughter all the while... #

You said we were finishing with that one!

-# ..In this world where we live... #

-You said...!

# ..There should be more happiness

# So much joy you can give

# To each brand-new bright tomorrow

# Make me happy

-# Through the years... #

-You said we were...!

# ..Never bring me

-# Any tears... #

-Crawler!

# Let your arms be as warm

# As the sun from up above

# Bring me fun, bring me sunshine

# Bring me love! #