Episode 1 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.

We all watch telly in different ways these days.

I record everything and watch it much later.

Hello, viewers, how was your Easter?

I sometimes actually record the news.

Don't tell us, I'm only up to last Thursday!

When fast-forwarding in the advert breaks, some people should only be allowed to do times-6.

Honestly, times-30 is too much for you, pet!

When you can hit the Doritos logo and not end up at the end credits...

..I might allow you to try times-12.

Unless it's a football match.

I'm shit hot!

I can do times-30.

"Sponsored by"!

APPLAUSE

I really like driving, but I'm not the biggest fan of car programmes.

There's Top Gear, Fifth Gear... I can't be arsed with all of that.

I'm waiting for a show called Automatic.

Top Gear is seen in 170 different countries,

although in 169 of those countries

people are just watching to find out terrible things are being said about them.

They have a feature called Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.

The best thing is the leader board where the celebrities' times are ranked

with allowance made for road conditions.

You get things on the leader board like this...

"Steve Coogan, dry.

"Carol Vorderman, slightly damp".

And "Davina McCall, very wet".

Why still all the fuss about the Stig being secret?

They unveiled him twice and they were just normal blokes.

You might as well have an anonymous cleaner at the office.

"Who took the bins out last night? Mystery Jean!"

Not a lot of people know this, but Jeremy Clarkson doesn't have any points on his driving licence.

Nice to have it confirmed that Jeremy Clarkson is completely pointless.

I've never been asked to go on Top Gear and I'm really glad.

Do they make you parallel park on it?

"Can you get that car between those two cars?"

"No, I can't, I can't!

"I'll just drive round till one of those cars leaves."

On TV car shows they never review cars like I would.

Does it smell nice?

Does it have a little compartment for sanitary towels and a Twirl?

Does it have a nap lever?

You know the nap lever? I love a nap lever.

That's how I pick a car.

Comedians often sleep in their cars if they get tired when doing long drives.

And I don't want a turny wheel!

I want a nap lever.

That's fun!

You can get celebrity voices on your sat nav now.

I've got George Michael on mine.

"You haven't reached your destination but hurl yourself out of the car anyway!"

I think I should do one!

In 200 yards you will have reached a Greggs.

I know you're going to Aberdeen, but you're bound to get peckish!

In America in the '50s apparently 70% of girls lost their virginity in a car!

Just be more careful of the gear stick when you get in!

Now, I do like driving, but I think I need a little more convincing about car programmes,

so please welcome top TV motoring expert Quentin Willson.

Welcome to the show. Thanks for joining us.

Now, I like the colour, but where's the rest of it?

I think you should drive. Get yourself in, love.

-Where are we going?

-Wouldn't you like to know?

-OK.

-Seatbelts.

-Seatbelt on, safety first, flower.

-Always, always.

-Seatbelt on.

Do you mind if I put my boobs on the outside of it, though?

I don't like it down the middle. Oh, I can't get it in.

-Do you want...?

-No, I'm fine.

I'm in, I'm in! And I've got the boobs... Is that all right? That's better, isn't it?

-That's lovely.

-It's lovely. Smashing.

Now, thanks very much for joining us on this show.

Mind the gear stick and none of that...

-No, no, no.

-"I'm just reaching for the handbrake!"

I don't think so!

You are a motoring aficionado, a journalist and an all-round expert.

-So they say.

-So what I'd like to know is, have you ever had sex in a car?

Yes.

CHEERING

Wow!

Were you in the front or the back?

-In the back.

-You were in the back?

Were they in the back as well or was it like this sort of set-up where they had to lean over...?

Well, it was both the seats were back down so it was kind of like a handy double bed.

-Oh! You'd planned it!

-Oh, yeah, meticulously!

Meticulously, you dirty bugger!

Do you ever fantasise about two ginormous airbags going off in your face?

Occasionally.

Don't we all, love, don't we all?

You say the way to save money is to pretend you've got your nana in the back seat.

Yes, to drive like you've got the old people in the back so you drive progressively.

But that would frighten the shit out of me because my nana's been dead for ten years.

I could see that!

Did you decide on your hairstyle after driving an open-topped car?

-Yes. It's the wind-chill effect.

-Just go with it.

-Aerodynamics, absolutely.

OK. Now, I've got a compartment here. This is good!

That's good.

It's got...

one of the night-time ones.

That's good to know.

It's good to know, because they're super, so they're not quite the full "I am",

the full "I am" you need all sorts.

-So I've got those.

-The seats'll be fine.

-Yeah, the seats'll be fine.

And in the same compartment I've got a multipack, so if you get peckish just give us a shout.

-This is what they should have on car programmes, isn't it?

-Exactly! Thank you!

-Not Lamborghinis!

No, it should be where do I put my sanitary towels?

Some people think that a car is sort of a penis extension, don't they, if it's a flashy car.

-Lots of people think that.

-Why don't all rabbis drive convertibles?

It's a very good question. You'd have to ask a rabbi.

I will, next time I see one.

Excuse me, if you don't mind, while you're driving...

I'm just going to get my 'tache!

I've got my tweezers. I've got another little compartment just for tweezers.

I'm just going to have a little go...

oh, look at this.

-Got it! Yeah! You can have that back now just in case it's important.

-Thank you so much.

Yeah, well done.

What do you think is the worst car in the world ever?

I love it that you've just straightened your mirror even though we're technically not going anywhere!

-That's brilliant, isn't it?

-Now you've...

Now you've spoilt it for them!

-Cos they really thought that we were driving...

-And so did I!

Which is your favourite Magic Tree air freshener?

Is it like lavender or black ice or...?

-I've not had the black ice one.

-Oh, you should!

-I've always had the lavender ones.

Lavender! Your cars must all smell like old ladies!

-It's cos your nana's in the back, isn't it? That's why!

-That's it!

You put the lavender in for her.

Whose voice do you have on your sat nav? Do you have a voice on your sat nav?

-No, I just have a normal disembodied female voice.

-Is that how you like your women?

You've been brilliant, dear. Thank you every so much, but you are a terrible, terrible driver!

Ladies and gentlemen, Quentin Willson!

SCREECH OF BRAKES Thanks very much, love!

CHEERING

You know what I've noticed? We all really love a good old gruesome murder, don't we?

There've been loads of them on telly this year.

What I want to know is, why's it OK to watch a murder on the telly with your family, but not a sex scene?

If a nipple is licked, you instantly turn over.

But if that nipple is being removed by pliers, "You stay there, Grandad!

"You enjoy this, Grandad!"

Crime drama can teach you all sorts of things.

CSI taught me how to find out who ate the last biscuit.

Me.

-Did you see The Fall?

-Yes!

In one episode the killer strangles a woman and then spent time preparing her body afterwards.

It was horrific. I was watching it with my friend.

The killer bathed her, painted her nails, posed her on the bed and covered her bits.

We were just watching silently.

Then he cut some of her hair off and sniffed it.

At that point, my friend said, "Now, that's creepy!"

You know sometimes when you're doing something you shouldn't,

do you ever think, "God, I hope I don't die now"?

I've made a list of ways you wouldn't want to be found dead.

On a sex line.

What if you hadn't hung up?

You'd have your family saying, "We couldn't afford a funeral. His phone bill was huge."

Watching internet porn.

You think you're having a heart attack,

but instead of ringing an ambulance you choose to spend your last moment minimising and bringing up solitaire!

With your family saying, "We didn't know he liked solitaire that much!"

Your dying words should never be, "Delete my browser history!"

Lying in a bath full of trifle.

With my family saying, "We didn't even think it was for Children in Need!"

With an orange in your mouth, you know that thing that some people do...

..eating fruit.

I'd hate to die eating fruit.

And my family saying, "We had no idea she was into this sort of thing!

"It's like we didn't know her at all."

I often eat chocolate in bed in hotels

and sometimes when I finish the bar and slide down under the covers, I create real skiddies on the sheets.

It was just my Twirl!

So I leave the Twirl wrapper out so the cleaner can make the connection.

She goes, "Oh! Ah!"

And if I actually shit myself, I leave five Twirl packets out!

In cop shows they often refer to hookers doing tricks.

Well, like what? Making balloon animals?

Or pulling rabbits out?

One of my favourite crime shows on telly is Law & Order UK.

Star of the show, Bradley Walsh, is the first crime-show actor ever

to simultaneously host a quiz show. I'd like to see more of that!

Maybe Jim Bowen in a British version of Colombo...

"Just, er...just one more thing...

"You've won a speedboat!"

To assist in my crime-drama investigation, please welcome Bradley Walsh!

CHEERING

Hello, lovely Bradley. Welcome to the show. How are you, flower?

I'm very well, Sarah, thanks very much. How are you?

I'm not too bad, thanks. Now, you are in Law & Order.

Which one are you?

And who plays "Laura"?

Well...

Now, Law & Order is an American show starring Ice T,

and they also have NCIS Los Angeles starring LL Cool J.

So, Bradley...

..do you think when it came to making the UK version you were the first choice?

Yes!

Or maybe they approached Dizzee Rascal?

No. What happened was they... eventually they...

In the American version...I've been asked to go in the American version and they asked me to change my name.

I was just going to be called TWAT.

Well, you've started in a few British versions of American shows,

Wheel Of Fortune, Law & Order...

what's next, like Baywatch set in Morecambe?

Crispy buggers eating chips on a bus...

..but in slow motion.

You in an orange swimsuit. I can picture it now!

Shouting, "Out of the water! The sewage outlet's backing up!"

Did you prepare for the role by breaking shitloads of laws?

No. I prepared for the role

by...

..the method.

Did you just read your lines and then remember them?

Yeah!

Do you ever take the handcuffs home?

That's a yes, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

No, it's not!

No, it's not, it's not! It's not.

You've never taken them home?

No.

No.

We go... No.

No, I don't use handcuffs in the show.

You don't use handcuffs in the show, so you had to buy your own from a sex shop?

I can't hear you!

Do you ever get confused for an actual policeman?

I get confused in my own mind and often become a policeman and tell people off.

Really?

-And do they...?

-Yeah.

In what situation? What have you told somebody off for doing?

Well, I've caught people in hotel rooms making skid marks with chocolate on their beds.

You've been such a brilliant guest. Thank you very much for joining us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bradley Walsh!

CHEERING Thank you!

Thanks, Sarah!

Now, I'll tell you what I like on telly,

and maybe it's because I'm around a lot during the day, but I love quiz shows,

although I'm not very good at them.

I used to hate Countdown because it made me feel thick!

I like it now.

I'm much better at it now.

Ever since you can pause the telly.

I used to love Are You Smarter Than A 10-Year-Old?

Mainly because there's very little that makes me happier

than a really smug clever child crying on the telly!

Just because they don't know the difference between equilateral and isosceles triangles!

Ha!

The only reason they get things right is because they learned them last week!

I think there should be a version of the show where they have to do the things we have to do!

It would be called Are You As Depressed As a 40-Year-Old?

And the things they'd have to do would be change broadband providers...

..try to explain to a mechanic what's wrong with your car...

I once used the phrase, "It sounds like there's a budgie under the bonnet!"

They'd have to bleed a radiator...

..and lie to a doctor about how much they drink.

But why stop there?

What about for the older generation?

How about Are You As Confused As An 80-Year-Old?

With questions like

what used to be here?

Was it better in the old days?

And is it a) warm enough or b) not warm enough?

I tried Nick Grimshaw's panel show Sweat The Small Stuff and I liked it.

But if young people get their own panel show, then older folks should too!

I've come up with a few titles for panel shows for older people.

Smoke The Week.

Never Mind The Immigrants.

Eight Out Of Your Ten Cats.

Instead of Would I Lie To You, it would be Can I Lie Down For a Bit?

QI would become Queue Here.

And my favourite Who Do You Think I Am?

Games you play at home are often turned into telly,

like charades became Give Us A Clue.

But there is one game that's not on the telly but should be...

The Great Big Family Row.

"What are they playing for? A share of Nana's house."

I especially love Pointless.

Alexander Armstrong always asks the contestants where they met.

I'd love it of one of them said, "He's a dick but he knows about classical music and geography!"

I love Richard Osman on Pointless.

He's like a teatime Stephen Fry

and he looks like Mr Muscle went to university.

What if I said he's with me in the studio tonight?

That would be Pointless!

-Hello.

-How are you?

-I'm good. How are you?

-Very well.

-Thank you so much for coming on the show. It's lovely to have you here.

-It's a pleasure.

So, Richard, I read somewhere that you'd filled Anne Robinson's old slot.

I'll be honest, it took me and Xander both to do that!

I love the undeniable sexual tension between you and Alexander Armstrong.

Would you describe it as a bromance? Like, would you be the big spoon?

People do say, "I like the unrequited sexual tension between you,"

to which I always say, "It's not unrequited!"

-Millions of people love the show.

-Thank you.

-Who do you think they are?

Well, no, but it's a certain time of day, isn't it? So it'll be old people, it'll be students,

it'll be people who are bedbound and just can't find the remote...

and people trapped in their sofas...

To me! Hello!

Yeah, I'm trying to think if you left anyone off, but I don't think you did.

No, but it's quite interesting. A lot of people finish work at five.

And then they get home as quickly as they can so they can watch Pointless.

-That's why it's not on at 5, it's at 5.15, gives you a bit of time to get the bus.

-Right.

That's where The Chase goes wrong, starting at 5. No-one's getting home at 5 unless you work from home.

Well, you wouldn't say that if Bradley Walsh had been in this studio!

-But he's not here, is he?

-He's not.

-He's in...

I know he's got an underground sex dungeon and I think that's where he was talking from!

I think it was.

-It looked like it, didn't it?

-It did look a bit like that.

What is the stupidest answer anyone's ever given?

We had one the other day... well, not the other day... we had words ending in ZZ.

And on the first podium, the contestant was a student, which is all...

and he just immediately went, "Jizz."

That's brilliant.

Was that...was it Pointless?

It was Pointless. In the dictionary it doesn't mean what you might imagine it means.

It means what an animal sort of looks like when you catch it out the corner of your eye.

The jizz of an animal.

The jizz of the animal in my head is something quite different.

-And all of it!

-But, like, no, you understand.

A rabbit's jizz is very different to...

LAUGHTER

A rabbit's jizz is very different to a cat's jizz, for example.

This is the longest conversation I've had about jizz ever, and I'm loving it!

Sarah, everybody here knows that's not true!

When you're sitting at your desk, what's on the screen in front of you?

Is it porn?

All I'm looking at, Sarah, is just animals from the corner of my eye!

Do you think you would do well if you played Pointless?

I... Well, I should do all right, but sometimes categories come up which would trip you up.

-Well, since I've got you here...

-OK.

-..Why don't we find out?

Let's play my version of Pointless.

Here we go.

Right...

Our first category, we asked 100 people...

we didn't, it was just me.

..To name things that are better if they're bigger.

What do you think?

I don't... Where do I start?

That's quite a cocky answer!

Yeah!

-It literally is.

-What do you think?

I'd go...

..for the sake of politeness, I will say a pizza.

OK. Well, let's see if that's a correct answer.

Oh, come on!

-Really?

-Sorry, Richard, with pizzas you just order two, love.

Some of the things people said are better if they're bigger included cake, bed, tellies...

..and something else...Dick.

Question 2.

We asked 100 people to name a good place to touch a lady.

Oh, dear!

Is this a good question for you? Is this a category you were hoping would come up?

It is a good category for me, except you only asked yourself.

So now I have to try...I have to try and get inside you, if you like.

Let's say because I can see it, let's say the nape of your neck.

Ooh!

No, Richard, the vagina, because everywhere else is Pointless!

-Of course. Of course.

-Of course!

Thank you so much for coming on the show, ladies and gentlemen.

-Ladies and gentlemen, it's Richard Osman.

-Thank you.

That's it for tonight.

Unfortunately we didn't have time to talk about Eggheads

where they've successfully reclaimed a playground insult.

Other shows in the pipeline include Four-Eyes and Shit Trainers.

We haven't had time to talk about Murder She Wrote.

Who came up with that title? Yoda?

YODA VOICE: Murder She Wrote.

And Holby Blue, the police version of Holby City.

By the way, it's not a late-night version where the nurses' uniforms suddenly fall off...

..and they have sex in the morgue.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd