Episode 3 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. Welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme!

Now, I'm sure everyone watching this show has a TV licence

because you can go to prison if you haven't got one.

That would be a really rubbish conversation.

"What are you in for?" "Murder. What about you?"

"Six episodes of EastEnders.

"Although that was murder."

I think you should be able to get points on your TV licence.

Got up early to watch Jeremy Kyle? Three points.

Accidentally deleted that episode of Bake Off

where Paul Hollywood says, "Caress the dough with your fingers like a lover"?

Six points!

Top Gear on "Series Like"?

Lifetime ban.

American shows are all the rage on our telly at the moment, aren't they?

Mad Men is a very successful series,

but weird to watch with an older generation.

Cos I get the impression we're taking different things from it.

I'm thinking, "Isn't it terrible the way they treated women back then?"

While me Uncle Terry's thinking,

"Ah, those were the days!"

24 had the time on the screen.

The only other place you get that over here is on breakfast telly.

I'd love to see Jack Bauer throwing to the weather!

We've all learned how to speak American from television, haven't we?

Some of the words are quite confusing, though.

For example, you might not know that the word "scrumping", which to us means stealing apples,

in America, it means dry humping.

Imagine getting those two mixed up!

And ending up with loads of apples!

Here are some other ones that I've learned.

They say sidewalk,

we say crab.

You might not know all of these.

They say eggplant,

we say chicken.

They say ice box,

we say guest bedroom.

They say gas,

we say, "Sorry about that."

They say, "Have a nice day."

We say, "What are you looking at?"

They say lady bug,

we say Chlamydia.

Of course, one of the best shows to come out of America is Homeland.

Essentially, it's a woman trying to work out if a bloke is lying to her.

I'll save you the trouble, love. Probably.

Damien Lewis plays a character who was kept as a hostage in the desert,

locked up inside for eight years.

Well, inside is the best place for him.

It's hot out there and he's awfully ginger!

I think the British version of Homeland would be very different,

cos our Government's so unpopular.

They'd say, "We've only got five minutes to save the prime minister.

"I'll write a letter to the army to get help."

They're always talking about moles as well, aren't they?

When did moles get this reputation?

How effective can a spy be if it's blind?

Personally, I've never trusted stoats.

There's a lot of obsession with wires, as well.

I'm always wired. Well, underwired.

I'd like to see that show!

The Underwire. "It's a war.

"A war between discomfort and tits on your knees."

I've decided my mission is to find out everything about the show,

so here to face my interrogation is Homeland's Director of CIA counter-terrorism, David Harewood.

Hello!

Hello!

Now, you're a very successful stage and screen actor.

-So I've got one main question for you.

-Go on.

Why don't you do more shows with your top off?

Mainly because nobody asks me!

-Oh?

-I would...

-There's women in the audience going, "Go on, ask him! Bloody ask him!"

No. Maybe later.

-Your character is under permanent threat of attack.

-Mm.

What's it like living in Streatham?

You know, I love it, because it's so unpretentious.

You know, I'm not very pretentious myself,

so one minute I'm kind of flying off to LA and walking past palm trees

and plastic surgeons, there's a plastic surgeon just opposite the hotel.

And the next minute you're on a plane and back in Streatham

and you're walking past Greggs and W.H.Smith's.

And I love that. I think it's a great kind of... It's a great leveller.

Is there really a Greggs next door to Smith's?

Yes. In Streatham, not in Hollywood.

No, no. Because you could get your pasty and a "Take a Break" and then you're done.

-Yes.

-That's amazing.

-Yeah.

-I'd not thought of moving to Streatham.

-I do love a Greggs pasty.

I like the sausage, bean and cheese melt.

It makes me feel dirty in a really good way.

Totally bad.

Now, Claire Danes did a lot of snot acting, didn't she?

She did, yeah. She cried a lot.

Do you think that's the main factor of the show's success?

-Her snot?

-Was it her snot,

or did somebody come on and like dab snot on?

-It was fake snot.

-It was fake?!

-Yes.

Is there like a snot wrangler?

So the snot wrangler comes in and just dabs it all over your face!

Somebody out the back with a cold, just providing it.

What?

Are people surprised that you're British when they've seen you in that show?

British people are surprised that I'm British. That's the scary...

The scary thing is I meet people in the street and they say, "What are you doing here? You're American."

-And I say, "No, I'm British."

-It's a nice compliment, though?

I've been working here for 25 years!

Do you ever worry that your Brummie accent is going to come out?

BRUMMIE ACCENT: No, not really. I try...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, not really? Can you teach me to do an American accent?

-Are there tricks to this?

-There are tricks to it.

There are certain words that you find very... They're key words.

-OK.

-So I want you to say, "Water, butter, weather."

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Water, butter, weather.

You're not supposed to be laughing at me in this!

-Water, butter, weather.

-This is going to be more difficult than I thought!

Now I want you to say...

AMERICAN ACCENT: Water.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Water.

CHEERING

-AMERICAN ACCENTS: Butter.

-Butter.

Weather.

-GEORDIE:

-Weather. Weather.

-I slipped, didn't I?

-You did. AMERICAN:

-Weather.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Water, butter, weather.

That was very... That was very...

Very, very sexy, as well.

Oh, thanks!

Do you know the tricks for Geordie?

There are some words that are massively Geordie.

See if you like this.

-STRONG GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Antibiotics.

-Can you do that?

-Antibiot...

-Antibiotics.

-Antibiot... Biotics?

I can't say that's so sexy!

-Try another one.

-Go on.

Wonky risotto.

GEORDIE ACCENT: Wonky risotto?

He's very good, isn't he? Wonky risotto.

I need more time!

Waterboarding.

Is it more fun than skiing?

And...

Cos I think it's my least favourite of the water sports.

Which is your favourite?

-Of all the water sports?

-Yeah.

Bath.

-Your character oversaw a good few lie detector tests.

-Mm.

Have you ever taken one yourself?

No, I've never... But I used to be quite a good liar.

-Oh, really?

-Mm. I was a very good liar, back in the day.

Especially with the ladies. Sorry, girls.

-So you've never taken a lie detector test?

-No.

-No.

-Not a real one.

-Are you enjoying this interview?

Yes.

It's broken. It's broken!

You've been an amazing guest. Thanks for coming on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, David Harewood.

Now, there are certain types of telly programmes

that really start to appeal as you get older

and gardening shows are one of them.

Gardeners' World features someone called Bob Flowerdew.

What a name for a gardener!

If he worked in most gardens, he'd be called Kevin Cat-shit!

I love watching those transformation garden shows.

"We've only got two days to totally transform this garden!

"Otherwise it's gonna take three days!"

Apparently, you can get rid of slugs with beer.

If they end up pissed and a bit clingy,

just leave a kebab out with a bit of salt on it.

One tip I read was to put Vaseline on bird-house poles.

Now I just have a garden full of lubed-up squirrels!

Apparently, and this is true,

if you have lion poo in your garden,

it stops wildlife digging up all your valuable plants.

Personally, I'd say if you've got lions shitting in your garden,

you've got bigger problems than a few dead shrubs!

"Oh, there goes another postman!

"It's a pity. I thought he'd be able to run faster than that!

"Maybe it's the catalogues that slowed him down."

I've just bought a strimmer for clearing the undergrowth.

Lady Shave just wasn't robust enough.

There are some plants that are poisonous and shouldn't be eaten under any circumstances.

I call them vegetables.

My friend and her horrible husband

had a huge row about their patio makeover.

I asked her what he was so angry about and she said, "He wants decking."

I said, "I couldn't agree more, but what's he angry about?"

Well, I need some help on this, so please welcome top television gardener Diarmuid Gavin!

Hello, love. How are you?

-I'm great, Sarah. How are you?

-I'm good. Thanks for coming on the show, love.

Now, how would you tend my lady garden?

Describe it to me. Is it unruly or is it beautifully manicured?

It's um...

It needs a bit of work.

And it might be a two-man job!

-What's the...

-I can do the work of three men!

You bring Titchmarsh and Monty and we'll talk!

What makes something a weed, and how can I tell?

What's the difference between a weed and a plant?

There is no difference. A weed is just a plant growing in a place you don't want it.

So something growing where you don't want it to grow?

Apparently, a common problem is planting too deep.

Now, that surprises me cos I didn't think you could go too deep.

What are you planting?

Oh, now it's a proper question about gardening. Um...

A man's cock.

I just say, "Go all the way until it stops."

OK. In bulbs, a lot of people ask that question for bulbs.

So twice the depth of the bulb

and it'll always go towards the light.

Just like a man's...

I did not know that about a man's...

..bulb.

How long does it take you to harden off?

It depends on who's asking!

Have you ever dug up anything odd in a garden?

I dug up a cat, once.

Was it dead?

It was.

And the lady had told me she'd buried the cat in the garden,

and I just forgot where.

So, up it came with the digger.

Now, how can I tell if a trampoline will take my weight?

We just put a trampoline in our garden. If it takes me, it'll take you.

It'll even take the two of us.

-Oh, OK!

-AUDIENCE:

-Wooo!

That's a weird offer, but I'm up for it.

Now, we're all being asked to save rainwater.

Do you like big butts - and you cannot lie!

Yes!

Seeing as you asked so nicely.

What is the correct position in a garden for a semi-deflated Space Hopper?

Cos I've got one and I don't know where to put it.

Is Space Hopper a kind of euphemism?

No.

I don't know what it would be a euphemism for!

It's just like an inflatable thing. It's got ears that you hold on to!

I've never realised how ridiculous a Space Hopper sounds when you describe it.

You sit on it and then you bounce along.

-You blow this thing up?

-Yes.

-You sit on it?

-Sit on it.

You hold onto its ears.

-Then you...

-You bounce along.

Are you on one now?

I don't believe you just made me describe a Space Hopper!

Has your wife ever imposed a hosepipe ban?

It's been lovely having you on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Diarmuid Gavin!

So I'm starting to like gardening programmes and shows for older people,

but I can still enjoy a bit of youth TV.

On Cribs, a camera crew is shown around a celebrity's house.

Often, it's not even their house,

which must be tricky when you're showing people round.

"This is the...lounge.

"This is the en-suite...

"kitchen.

"This is the wardrobe where I keep all of my...

"gimp.

"This is the...dungeon

"where we keep the wine."

Catfish is a show that follows people on the internet

who are having relationships with other people on the internet

who are lying about who they are.

You can tell straight away. Too many jobs.

"Oh, he's lovely. He's a rapper

"and a male model

"and a footballer

"and a cowboy.

"Some people call him Maurice."

Woo-hoo.

One of my favourite shows this year was The Big Reunion,

where they reunited '90s pop bands for one last concert/tour.

Old, awesome bands.

A couple of new faces.

Same people, just new faces.

Surely the most offensive thing isn't being asked to do the show,

it's being asked when you're still going.

Your manager rings you. "Good news. I've got you on that Big Reunion."

"But we're still together!"

"Ah, shit. Sorry, lads, I didn't know."

But if you like people singing on TV, there's nothing better than Glee.

Glee couldn't be any camper if Dale Winton turned up singing ABBA songs

while wearing sequinned, bum-less, cowboy chaps!

If they had a British version, it would be called Glum.

A bunch of talented losers who don't end up doing anything

because after-school-club funding has been cut.

While friends of Glee are called Gleeks,

fans of Glum would be called Glunts.

I love watching Glee, but I can't watch it with my boyfriend

because he doesn't understand that sometimes a band just appears out of nowhere.

He'll watch Game of Thrones

and find all that fantasy nonsense totally feasible,

but "Where did the band come from?

"They weren't there before. And no-one ever thanks them."

What I'd like to do is find out more about my favourite show

so please welcome all the way from Glee Club, Matthew Morrison.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello!

Now, Glee is my favourite show, so the question I have to ask you is,

"Are you really here?"

Um, yes, I'm really here.

But my name is Matthew, not Will.

In real life, I'm not the kind of guy who hangs out around high schools!

-Bet you're glad to hear that.

-That's probably for the best. Fair enough!

I love Glee. I love all the singing and all the dancing.

But tell me, how do you get your curls so tight?

-You've got a bloody good head of hair on you!

-Thank you.

I thank my mom for that.

-Does she blow dry it for you?

-She does.

Now, is it true you only ate potatoes

so that you could get a six-pack?

That was a diet you did? Is that true?

-Sweet potatoes.

-Oh, shit!

Did you try it? Did you decide to do that?

Just chips every day!

To be honest, it wasn't much of a change from what I was doing before.

Um, can I smell you?

That was just...

Which part of me would you like to smell?

Like a neck would do.

-Is that OK?

-I'll come to you. I'll come to you.

AUDIENCE: Wooo!

Shut up!

Ooh, that's nice. That's nice.

It's slightly overtaken by that!

Woo!

Wowsers!

I got two smells there!

I'm not going to say which one I preferred!

Can I touch you?

Sorry, that's fine. It's fine.

Now, you did a gig at the White House for the Obamas.

That must have been terrifying.

It was at Christmas time and I did a Hawaiian Christmas song

-because he's from Hawaii.

-So you sucked up to him properly!

-Absolutely.

-Now, Obama gave you a hug afterwards.

How did that feel? Did you just feel really safe?

-Does he give good hug?

-He does.

When Obama is in the room, he is the coolest guy in the room.

Like, hands down, he is just a really cool guy.

It was a cool hug.

Was it a bit too long? Did you hold on for a bit too long?

No, because you get a Secret Service member pulling you off right away.

Wow, they pull you off, as well?!

Good gracious!

Now, do you think I would make it at Glee Club?

Nope.

Could I not even help tidy up after Glee Club?

Don't even audition.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Hey, I meant to say, "Don't stop believing."

But I think I could fit in really well, cos I'm a bit of an outcast

and I wear glasses, and that's it, isn't it?

-Is that it?

-You're an outcast with your own damn TV show?!

Oh, yeah! Ah!

Let's hope the people from school are watching!

Do you think so?

My favourite song is Cliff Richard's Wired For Sound.

LAUGHTER

I don't think I know that one.

-You don't know...

-I don't know that one.

-You know Cliff Richard?

SHE GASPS

Oh, damn! I'm in trouble, huh?

Oh, my God! Have you... You've never heard of Cliff Richard?

-Afraid not.

-He's like our Elvis!

Obviously!

I'm gonna get booed off stage in a second!

Now, you do a bit of break-dancing, don't you?

-I did.

-You did?

-Back in the day.

I call it broke-dancing, now.

Because every time I do it, like I'm older now

so my back hurts the next day. It's not a good thing.

Can you... I mostly dance sitting down, especially when I'm driving.

Can you give me any tips for sit-down dancing?

Sit-down dancing? Like the roll of a wave, just like this.

You know?

But if you're driving, you might go...

-I could do it. And if I've got the window open, I could get it all the way out!

-Yes.

Like that? Like that?

Woo-oo-oo!

I'm properly shit at this.

-I don't think...

-LOUD POPPING SOUND

-What was that?!

-Nothing!

-What happened there?

You just kind of turn me on a little bit.

You appeared in a TV movie called Once Upon a Mattress.

-I did.

-Was it a porno?

Was the full title Once Upon a Mattress and Twice Against a Wall?

Ah!

-Are you a karaoke king on a night out?

-No.

Not at all?

No.

When I do karaoke, I do it in a private booth.

OK. I bet you do!

It's not the only thing I do in a private booth, but save that for later.

But I like the small speakers and I like the tall speakers.

And, uh,

if they've got music,

then they're wired for sound.

# Walkin' about with a head full of music

# Cassette in my pocket and I'm gonna use it - stereo

# Out on the street you know

# Wo-wo-wo wo-wo-wo

# Into the car, go to work and I'm cruisin'

# I never think that I'll blow all my fuses

# Traffic flows

# Into the breakfast show

# Wo-wo-wo wo-wo-wo

# Wo-wo-wo

# Power from the needle to the plastic

# AM, FM, I feel so ecstatic now

# It's music I've found

# And I'm wired for sound

# Power from the needle to the plastic

# AM, FM, I feel so ecstatic now

# It's music I've found

# And I'm wired for sound

# I was a small boy

# Who don't like his toys

# And I could not wait to get...

# Wired for sound. #

Ladies and gentlemen, Matthew Morrison!

Great!

And for once, we're going to thank the bloody band!

Thank you, guys!

And thank you, dancers!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

That's all we've got time for tonight.

Unfortunately, we haven't had time to talk about high school shows

like Grange Hill - they never did songs.

Well, they did, but it was about heroin.

They're bringing back Dawson's Creek. He's older now,

and manages the creek with cod liver oil!

We haven't had time to talk about The Wire.

People complained they couldn't understand what was being said.

Southerners had the same problem with Byker Grove!

And 24 - proof of what a bloke can get done in a day when he puts his mind to it!

Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd