Il Riccio, Capri The Trip to Italy

-Hello?

-'Steve, it's Rob.'

-Oh, hey, hey.

-'How's the show going?'

Uh, just finished... just started the hiatus.

'Yeah, I know, I spoke to your agent.

'Listen, The Observer wants us to do more restaurant reviews,

-'another six lunches.'

-Really?

'But, this time in Italy. La Bella Italia. Yeah? What do you think?

-Oh, um...

-'I'm going to fly you into Europe.'

-First Class?

-'No. They're offering Business.'

Baciamo le mani, Don Ciccio.

Mi benedica.

Benedetto.

Come ti chiami?

Mi chiamo Vito Corleone.

E tuo padre, come si chiama?

Si chiama Antonio Andolini.

Piu forte. Non ti sento bene.

Avvicinati.

Mio padre si chiama Antonio Brydon.

E questo e per te.

HE GRUNTS

E questo... E questo... E questo e per te.

E questo e per te.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Sorry, did I wake you up?

-No, no.

Joe has said he wants to come out and, you know, hang out with us.

-Excellent.

-It means that Emma's got to fly to pick him up in Ibiza

and I've got to meet them both in Naples.

-Right.

-Is that OK?

-Yeah, absolutely.

Cos it means missing Sicily.

It's your boy, that's more important.

-OK, thank you. Great.

-Good?

-All right, yeah.

-Right.

-Good, see you at breakfast.

-Breakfast.

Grazie.

Oh...I am starving.

Aah...

Whoa, look at this, eh?

Oh, yes, oh, yes...this is good.

-Mmm, that's good eggs.

-Yeah, yeah.

-You can taste a good egg, can't you?

-Yeah.

What I've discovered on this trip is that I can live very simply.

I mean, I'm very happy right now, with a simple breakfast,

a simple view, nothing fancy.

And that's just wonderful.

I don't think you can top it really, with anything.

-Could be some brown sauce, I think.

-That's true.

Emma's organised a place for us to stay on Capri.

So, I was going to ask you, if you want, you can come and stay.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Because then you'll still have

-your six places to write about.

-Great.

Be a shame not to go to Sicily, though.

I was looking forward to that for obvious reasons.

Well, you don't have to be in Sicily

to do impressions of the Godfather, do you?

I could it anywhere, but there's something about Sicily, you know.

You should put rolled up bread in your cheeks to pad them out.

-I have a yeast intolerance.

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, when Michael went back there in the first Godfather,

Michael has to go down there and he says to Kay,

"I got to lay low for a while,

"then I come back as the family, Kay, not me."

"OK, Michael, la-dee-da."

That was Diane Keaton.

Diane Keaton didn't realise she was in the Godfather and not Annie Hall.

She's going to stay with me for a while, that's OK.

Who the hell are you?

I live in Manhattan, I'm just laughing out of nervousness.

Why are you carrying lobsters with him, Kay?

What are you doing? Hey, Mikey, you want me to take this guy out?

There's always the big fat guy.

Mikey, this guy, this little guy, this Jew bothering you?

I really... no, please I'm allergic to death.

You want me to pick up by the neck, squeeze the neck

till there's no life left in this guy and chuck him out a window?

That's a joke, right? Cos I like it, it's funny.

My friend doesn't make jokes.

Kay, you got to explain what it is with this guy.

Oh, la-dee-da, Michael, la-dee-da.

-At what point did it become...

-Yeah, one day.

He went to bed, he said to his wife, he said,

"Mrs Pacino, I'm going to sleep now, good night.

"I'll see you in the morning.

"Good night to all the kids, all of the pets, everybody,

"good night to the help, good night.

"Good night, Al, sleep well."

He turns over, he wakes up in the morning. "What do you got?!"

I've got laryngitis.

For the rest of my life!

Don't go too loud here.

For the rest of my life.

-You see the coffee commercial he did?

-No.

Pacino, he sits there and he says,

"You know, for me, coffee is a way of life.

"A Pacino script will always have coffee marks on it,

"that's how you know it's a Pacino script."

And then he takes a sip and goes, "That's good coffee."

And you go, that's Al Pacino?!

And that's another reason why I think,

so I did Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, you know?

-But he did coffee. There's a lot of similarities.

-Yeah.

Two short, brooding, intense actors,

promoting products they genuinely love.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-'Hello, you all right?'

-Yeah, great.

'I've got Joe and we're just booked our plane to Naples.'

-OK, how is he?

-'He's great.'

'We're going to get a cab from the airport

'and we'll go to the Fontanelle catacombs, OK?'

Why are we meeting at a cemetery?

'Well, it's on the edge of town, so it'll be easy,

'cos Naples is crazy for the traffic and I've always wanted to see it.

'It's in one of my favourite films.'

Listen, tell Joe I love him and we're going to have a great time.

'Brilliant, I'll pass it on. See you later, see you soon.'

Thanks, love. OK, bye. Right, let's see...

OK, hang on, I've got it... don't you...

you just concentrate on the driving.

Paul McCartney and "The Long and Winding Road"

and he may well have been talking about the Amalfi Coast.

Right, very close. Very close. We can almost touch it.

Right, have a look at that now.

-Tell me, is that where we're meant to be?

-Um...

That should be working with us, not against us.

I'm trying to make it go bigger.

It's like being at one of your gigs.

Uh-huh, a lot of people.

Well, they turned up, I'll give you that.

Weird, isn't it, that Byron used to drink out of a skull.

Oh.

You all right?

Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well.

That's a misquote, it's, "Alas poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio."

-Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well.

-It's not, "I knew him well", it's "I knew him, Horatio."

-I knew him well.

It's the most famous mis-quote in the English language and you just did it.

-What's the actual quote?

-I'm a bit shocked.

-What's the actual quote, then?

-I...ala, alas poor Yor...ala...

-See, you don't know it yourself.

I do know it. Alas, poor Yorick... alas, alas, poor Yorick...

Well, who are you talking to? Me or the invisible man?

-I'm talking to him about you.

-Who am I?

You're Yorick. Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio.

A man of infinite jest.

Thank you.

Of excellent fancy.

Thank you.

He hath borne me on his back a thousand times.

That is true.

Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs?

Your flights of merriment...wont to set a table on a roar?

Feel lucky, punk?

He didn't say that.

I deliberately got it wrong to reel you in.

All right, go on, what's the real quote?

I know what you're thinking, punk.

You're thinking, "Did he fire six shots or only five?"

Tell you the truth, I can't quite remember myself...

..in all this excitement.

It's a myth that he whispers all the time, sometimes

he just speaks normally but his jaw is clenched.

If I wanted a lesson in how Clint Eastwood spoke,

I'd talk to Clint Eastwood.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Oh, shit. Hello?

'Hey, we're here.'

-Are you? Oh, great.

-'We're just at the entrance.'

Right, see you in a bit.

-She here?

-Yeah.

-Have they arrived?

-Yeah.

HE TRUMPETS

Come here, lad.

-Nice to see you.

-You, too.

It's good to see you, buddy.

Here he is, big boy.

-Yeah.

-Hello, all right?

I'll start wearing me high heels soon.

Listen, I've arranged for the Mini people to come and collect the car from here

and then we can take the taxi to the port and it'll be about ten minutes.

I, in the meantime, am going to have a quick look around.

-I'll come with you.

-Good. You can show me the way.

Hey, mate, it's just really good to see you, honestly. How are you?

-I'm good, yeah.

-How's Mimi?

-Oh, she's good, yeah.

Enjoying it a lot more than I was.

Why are we here?

Ingrid Bergman.

Which one is she?

She's not here, but she was in Journey to Italy.

Well, how do you feel about your exams?

Oh, you know, I hope they went fine.

I'm just trying not to worry about them. Just can relax...

I'm sure they're fine, sure they're fine.

You worked a damn sight harder than I ever did.

First her husband goes off to Capri to try and have an affair

and her friend brings here.

-Her friends come here to try and pray for a baby.

-Uff!

Let's get out of here. It's been a downer, to be honest.

Not quite sure why.

-Ciao.

-Ciao.

-Antonello?

-Si. Yeah. Posso aiutare?

-How are you?

-Thank you.

Hello, hello, thank you.

Joe, do you want to go and put your bag in the back of that taxi.

-Sure.

-All right, love, thank you. That's a nice hat.

-Borsalino, Al Capone used to wear these.

-Thanks very much.

Seat belts on?

Can we stop at Shelley's house, get a photo?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's do that.

-You've done quite a few.

We have to have one in Naples, it's the last chapter of the book.

250. This is it. Quick photo.

-He didn't live here. This is 1960s.

-This is the spot.

-I've not Googled it.

-There's the camera. Come on.

-It's been like this all week...

Rob Brydon in front of various nondescript buildings.

-Do you want the satellite dishes in?

-It's what he would have wanted.

-You all right, Joe?

-Yeah, pretty good.

-See that double bass case?

-Yeah.

Carbon fibre.

It's the strongest man-made material in the world.

You could stop a bullet with that.

It does. They use it in bullet proof vests.

I still get like a, sort of,

-a frisson of excitement crossing water.

-A distant isle.

-Vedi a Napoli e muori.

-What does that mean?

See Naples and die, in Italian.

-Ciao!

-Look, look, look, the birds are following us!

-Look at that one there, look, he's following us.

-Quite scary.

-Like The Birds.

-It is.

-You could be Tippy Hedren.

-Aah!

I'll be Alfred Hitchcock, just telling you what to do.

He really let her get pecked.

-He let the birds peck Tippi Hedren?

-Yeah, I think so.

He also named all the individual birds, and when they'd be having a go

at Tippi Hedren and he would instruct them.

So he'd go up to one, he'd say, "Gregory, peck".

-Come on, let's go and wander.

-OK.

Yeah. No, what happened was that all the ash buried everyone.

-Is it still active?

-I like to think so.

You got sun, sea, sangria and la dolce vita over there.

Maybe wander round this way?

Watch out, hey, hey! Watch out, don't die!

Look, it's the house from Le Mepris!

-What's that?

-Oh, with Brigitte Bardot. It's incredible.

They're making a film that she's married to the scriptwriter,

and it all starts to go wrong and there's that incredible piece of music,

they keep playing it all the way through, it's really romantic,

but then it kind of gets annoying it's sort of again and again and again.

-Is that where she's naked on the bed?

-Yes, that's the one.

What happens at the end?

She gets together with the producer and then dies in a car crash.

I like the sound of that.

Really sexy with no happy ending...

like the opposite of a massage, you know.

-We have the local wine.

-Local?

-That's a del Furore.

Furore?

-Yeah, it's from a region.

-Buono.

-You're welcome.

-Grazie.

I just feel like I look different,

like I feel puffier and kind of... I don't know.

You're an attractive woman.

-You were maybe a bit more attractive a year ago.

-Ah!

-But...

I appreciate your honesty.

..imagine what it's like for an ugly woman who's pregnant?

Un goccio, per favore.

-Pregnanti.

-Is that the Italian for it?

THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN

-Ah.

-Here you have the scallop fish.

-Oh, lovely.

And seafood salad. The bonito fish, raw.

-Raw, OK.

-It's not for you.

-Not for me.

-Octopus to the grill.

-Grazie.

-There's another octopus to the grill.

-Grazie.

Bonito fish. Grazie mille.

Oh, grazie mille.

-Do you want some of this?

-Oh, yeah, sure.

-Cos you'll like this.

The calamari is absolutely gorgeous, try it. Perfect.

Think I'll have some of this.

Lovely Furore.

Furore...that's an angry Italian sports car.

I might have a glass of Furore or perhaps a carafe of kerfuffle.

Or a bottle of brew-ha-ha.

Very good.

THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN

Well, I like to think of myself

as a fine wine, maturing these passing years.

Sitting in the dark, getting fusty.

If he sits there too long, a little heavy.

-He does get a little heavy.

-A little heavy.

-Well, I think it's a very, very fine wine.

-Can get bitter.

A little bit bitter, a bit vinegary, a bit cynical.

He's not as cynical as he makes out, you know.

Remember we were watching Mamma Mia.

You know, you're watching it with Mamie and then at the end

when Meryl Streep gets together with Pierce Brosnan, you started crying.

-Yeah, yeah.

-What?!

-You cried at Mamma Mia?

-Yeah.

You cried at that bit with Meryl Streep?

I mean, I love Mamma Mia, but I didn't cry.

I love old Pierce Bro...

I can't do Pierce Brosnan, I'll be very honest with you, Joe.

I can't do him, I can't do him very well.

When I do him I sound like a very effeminate Bono, so I do.

Top o'the mornin' to ya.

The name's Bond, top o'the mornin' to you, Blofeld.

I'm, oh, oh, oh, seven.

I'm James Bond, oh, oh, oh, seven.

What he's meaning to say is, the name's Bond, James Bond,

double-oh-seven, licensed to kill.

You need a slight huskiness and it's slightly mid-Atlantic.

The name's Bond, James Bond. Am I getting it now?

-That's Northern Ireland.

-God, no!

Well, he's a secret agent, he's got to be able to go other places

and lay low, hasn't he now?

Interestingly, up until Daniel Craig,

there was only one English James Bond.

-Sean Connery.

-Yeah.

-Connery. Scottish.

-Scottish.

A milkman by trade, a part-time actor,

he took the role and made it his own.

He went for the audition - I don't know if you know this -

and Cubby Broccoli and Saltzman auditioned him,

they thought he was good. He left the room.

As he walked away in the street, they said he walked like a panther.

Now, in reality that would be impractical, he'd be on all fours.

He'd be soiling the furniture.

-George Lazenby.

-Australian.

-Australian.

Come on, I know where this is going.

Roger Moore, of course he was English.

-And Dalton.

-Where was he from?

-Welsh.

-Welsh.

-Yeah.

-No.

-Oh, yes!

Now Rob's going to go... go on, do your Timothy Dalton.

I'm not going to do what you think I'm going to do.

I thought you were going to go, "My name's Bond, James Bond."

-No, I'm not going to do that.

-Like, dressed to kill.

No, you do him well, he's got a northern sound.

Things could have turned out very nasty.

That's almost a very butch Alan Bennett.

Things could have turned out very nasty.

THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN

-Who's your best Bond?

-Daniel Craig.

Aah. Our generation, you and me.

-Go on, say that Roger Moore again.

-What was that?

The Roger Moore again.

-Oh, you'd like to hear it again?

-Yeah.

-Course you would.

-It must be nice for you to hear...

-He's so well brought up, isn't he?

It must be lovely for you, Joe, to hear an impression properly done, yeah?

Now, when I say properly done, I mean done properly.

Right, ready, here he goes.

Er, my name is Roger Moore, now I'm a lot older than I used to be,

so there's a degree... I'm still doing it, Steve,

please don't interrupt in front of your son.

There's a... what are you doing? You're pointing.

Are you Alvin Stardust? What are you doing?

Uh, I just think...do him when he shouts, do him shouting.

We are in a nice place.

You there, come back!

No. Move! He squeaks like that.

-Move!

-Move!

-Move!

-Move!

-Move!

-Move!

You sound like a cow when you're doing that.

The name's Bond. Move! Move!

Hold on, I want both of you, one eyebrow, one eyebrow up...

Oh, good, good. That's very good, Rob.

-Of course, that's entry level.

-Ah, very good, whoa!

But, I can do that eyebrow or I can do that eyebrow.

That is really impressive.

I can do them with very little effort at exactly the right time.

-It's the linguine with the shrimps and zucchini.

-Oh, wow.

-Great cooking, huh?

-Great.

And here you have the paccheri with anchovies.

-Oh, looks lovely, that.

-Yeah.

And for you, that's the linguine,

same with the shrimps and the roe egg cooking.

-For you, that's the best plate.

-Best one? Wow.

-Sea fruits.

-Look at that!

-Mmm.

-Mmm.

-How is it?

-Beautiful. I have an announcement to make.

-Oh?

-Really?

-You're pregnant.

No. I've got a part in a film.

-Well done. That's great news.

-American film.

-Great, wow. Good for you.

-The Michael Mann one?

-Yeah.

-A Michael Mann film?

-Yeah.

Rob, that is crazy. Wow!

Shall we do another one? Thanks.

-Gosh, that's incredible!

-I know, and it's one of the leads.

It's not THE lead.

It's one of the leads. It's a supporting...

I play a mafia accountant.

I can really see it. That's amazing, I can see it.

-A gangster accountant?

-Tough guy with a pen.

I can't make these numbers add up.

I just can't do it.

-You didn't do that, did you, in the...

-Wasn't far off.

That's not what you had to do for you... that's not really a good...

-That's not why he did that.

-I kissed a waitress in the audition.

-Huh! Did you?

-Remember that?

Yes, I do. It was a peck.

His eyes. He wasn't happy.

-So, how long you going to be away for?

-Eight weeks.

-Eight weeks? Gosh.

-That's tough.

That's a long time to be away though, isn't it?

I mean, there wasn't going to be anything otherwise,

I'd just do more panel shows.

Joe's just finished his GCSEs, doing his A Levels now.

A Levels, gosh.

What A Levels you going to do?

Oh, I'm going a bit science-y.

Maths, further maths, physics, chemistry and electronics.

-Seriously?!

-Yeah.

-Bloody hell.

Well, you see, it runs in the family. My dad's an engineer.

Yeah, Grandad.

What about skipping a generation.

Car swerved out of its lane, almost went into a field

and then came back in the road.

Listen, I know a damn sight more about engineering than you do.

Yeah, but I know nothing.

THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN

I have a scientifical law...

it's the Brydon Coogan law of actor's respect.

-Oh, so you both came up with it, then.

-Well, he helped me.

I was more of a lab assistant.

Yeah, he was in a little coat, just carrying beakers and things.

-Test tube boy.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There is a direct inverse relationship between

an actor's intelligibility and the respect afforded to that actor.

You've put a lot of thought into this.

I'll give you an example. OK, Brando.

Everybody adores Brando, there is no greater actor.

He smiles like a thing, you come to my house,

but they don't call me the Godfather, you know, my surname is...

Christian Bale, Batman, one of your...

HE MUMBLES

I'm sorry Master Bruce, what is that that you're saying?

And then you've got his nemesis.

HE MUFFLES HIS SPEECH

So, you can't understand them, but they get the respect.

Whereas your father and I, wonderful enunciation, very little respect.

-Yeah.

-Yeah...well.

Relatively little respect.

Well, it's all relative, that's for sure, yeah.

THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN

-I think I'm going to go for a walk.

-Yeah?

-Is that OK?

-Fine, yeah.

-Say hello to those girls over there.

-No!

-They've been looking at you.

-Definitely not.

Leave him alone!

Plenty of time for all that.

-Oh...

-He's so grown up, isn't he?

-What a nice boy.

-Yes, nothing like me.

-Credit to you, so he is.

Well, he's taller than me, of course.

-You've both got that to look forward to.

-Oh, yeah.

Won't be long for me. Chloe's nearly four.

Totally at ease with himself. Totally at ease with himself.

Ah! Oh my...wow!

That's fish, beautiful.

What fish is it?

That's turbot.

Oh, I love turbot. Oh, my goodness me.

Oh, my God. Incredible. Oh, wow. Oh, my God.

-Oh, that smells amazing.

-Grazie.

-You're welcome.

I'm looking forward to this.

That's fantastic. Try that.

-Oh, my goodness me!

-Steve?

Oh, come on.

Come on.

Come on!

Not for me. Not for me.

It's all right if you like that kind of thing.

You're the Simon Cowell of the lunch.

-I'm going to have a look for Joe.

-Yeah.

Rescue. Get my priorities right.

Exactly.

See you in a bit.

He's walking very slowly in his later years, isn't he?

SHE LAUGHS

I might have a chocolate boob, I think.

Nothing wrong with chocolate and chocolate sauce.

-Right, let's go sit in the shade.

-Yeah, definitely.

Joe!

Hey!

-Do you want to go for a swim?

-Yeah, OK!

-Oh, grazie.

-You're welcome.

-Grazie.

-Grazie mille.

-Oh. Yum.

-Would you like a cappuccino?

-Yes, grazie.

-Not for me.

-OK.

And look, I've got the view. It's absolutely beautiful.

Well, thank you very much.

This shirt is rather flattering and I suppose this light casts me

in a rather heroic frame.

It does, it's very flattering to you.

I'm going to have this just with my hands.

Oh, wow.

-It's ready, the cappuccino.

-It's really good.

-Ah, grazie.

-Grazie.

-And you have the digestif.

-Oh, thank you.

-Ah...the bill. How much is it?

-Welcome back to...

-Oh gosh, I get to do the game.

..guess the bill and it's great to have everybody at home playing along

with us now, and I know you've got your scratch cards there ready.

-Emma, great to have you along.

-Great to be here.

I know that you work for a ruthless bastard of a man.

-It's very nice to be away from him now, isn't it?

-It is!

All right, Steve Coogan, whatever became of him? Doesn't matter. So...

-Is the bill, Emma, is it a, 432 Euro?

-OK.

Is it b, 435 Euro, or, Emma, is it c, 438 Euro?

And I must take your first answer, no helping from the audience, please.

OK, Rob, I think...

IMITATES HEARTBEAT

..438.

-Is the wrong answer, Emma.

-Oh, no!

It was four-three-five.

It's been lovely having you on the show,

but please bugger off home, goodbye.

-Oh...I need this.

-Yeah.

-Kids diving off there before today.

-Yeah?

Great news about your film, as well.

-Thank you very much.

-Amazing.

-I have another announcement to make, actually.

-Really?

Yes...

I've had a little adventure.

Right.

-You know the boat that we went on.

-Yeah.

I had an... altercation with a deckhand.

-You had a fight?

-No, no. Quite the opposite.

A lady deckhand, who shivered my timber.

She circumnavigated my globe.

She scraped the barnacles from my bottom...

and she hoisted my mainsail.

-I get the picture.

-Yes, yes.

And, of course, the... the thing is...

I'm thinking about hopping aboard again before we return home.

-Really?

-Yes. Yes.

Slight fly in the ointment, of course...

-wife, small child back at home.

-Yeah.

I'm certainly don't want you to sit in judgment.

-I probably wasn't.

-Or to profess an opinion.

-OK.

-But, what do you think?

Oh, God. Do you know what?

Hormonal pregnant women probably aren't the best to ask.

-I don't know, really.

-Aah...

Rob!

Rob, are you going to come in?

No, thank you!

Go for a swim?

No, thanks!

-You're missing out!

-I know!

Oh, I'll sit down there.

Oh, this is relaxing.

Do you remember the end of Roman Holiday?

When Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn have had that amazing day together

and then she goes back to being a princess.

And she gets told about her duties as a princess and she says,

"But if I wasn't aware of the importance of my duties

"to my family and to my country, I wouldn't have ever come back."

-Joe.

-Hmm?

-I'm going to sell the flat.

-Really?

Yeah. I've been thinking about it.

-I'm going to get a house near you guys.

-Oh, OK.

Walking distance, so you can come over.

You maybe could come and live with me if you wanted.

Mamie wants to live with Mum and I don't want to not be with her.

Yeah, I know, I know. I mean, you know, that's right,

that's right, and all.

But, I'm around the corner anyway, so you can...

..have your own key.

That scene at the press conference.

Gregory Peck signals he's not going to run the story,

the photographer hands back the photos.

That would never happen now.

Don't they copy that in Notting Hill?

You know the scene in the press conference with Hugh Grant

and Julia Roberts where he says,

"I was just wondering, if a person realised that that person

"had been a daft prick, whether that person might, you know,

"sort of get down on bended knees and plead with you to reconsider,

"whether you might, in fact, reconsider."

Well...everyone's a daft prick sometimes.

That's my point, yes, yes, that's my point.

You could come over with your mum if you want, for supper one night,

I'll cook for you.

Try out my mushroom risotto.

Sounds good.

It's a work in progress at the moment.

But...I'm getting there.

-Shall we go for a swim?

-Yeah, OK.

Of course, in Notting Hill, they went off together.

-None of this sacrificing love for duty.

-No...

I prefer the Roman Holiday ending.

Unrequited love.

-Don't really do that any more.

-No...