An Old-Fashioned Christmas Mystery The Two Ronnies

APPLAUSE

Good evening, how nice to see you.

Hello, good evening.

-Good evening to you.

-Good evening, how are you?

Oh, hello, good evening.

How nice of you to look in. Welcome and a very merry Christmas to you.

-Yes, come on in. We've been wondering where you got to.

-Quite.

Still, you're here now. I'm afraid we can't introduce you to the others, but the house is

-so crowded you'll soon get to know everybody.

-Intimately I should think. We're playing sardines later on.

-Are we really? ..I'm rather good at that.

-Oh, really?

-Yes, well, very few people can get into those tins, you know!

-Oh...

-Oh, I'm sorry. Please, come on.

-Do go through. They're having a bit of a dance at the moment.

Ah, reverend, how nice to see you...

Ah, there you are. That was pretty damn good, wasn't it?

I hope you joined in, did you? That's the idea.

Have a drink, old chap.

-By Jove, I need it.

-You were dancing, weren't you?

-Yes, I was out there with the rest of them.

-Yes, I thought I couldn't see you.

I've been looking for you. Were you on the floor?

Several times, yes. HE LAUGHS

By Jove, it was hell out there.

Mind you, of course, I was dancing with Mrs Bull.

Mrs Bull, I don't think I know the woman.

Yes, you do. Six foot tall, built like the side of a house.

With an enormous veranda and welcome on the mat.

Oh, very low-cut lace curtains?

Always hanging out of the window trying to catch your eye.

Yes, I know the woman.

-Husband's got a smallholding.

-Has he?

-Yes.

Yes, on the estate. She must have been damned difficult to cope with.

Well, she was, what with her size.

I didn't know where to look for the best.

Somebody suddenly pushed me in the back, I thought I'd gone deaf for a moment.

Yes, I get the picture. How did you manage to get rid of her, old chap?

Well, fortunately, she went in search of refreshment.

She said, if I joined her later, she would have a nice blancmange waiting for me.

I think you'll be safer here, old chap.

Talking of nice blancmanges, I'd like to introduce the Lady on my left, Ethel, my nearest and dearest,

the dear girl who has been my helpmate and comforter and who, since the death of my horse,

has been the sole object of my love and affection.

She's stuck to me through thick and thin. Lately, I fear mostly thick.

But the man who marries late in life needs a girl of Ethel's qualities to support him in his declining years.

I drink to Ethel, a girl in a million.

-The wife's knocking about somewhere here as well, I don't know where.

-I'll look for her on your behalf.

What's the point, old man? You wouldn't know what to do with her when you found her.

She's not much good for anything, except for frightening sheep.

Excuse me, what's going on? Just a minute.

What do you want, my dear old thing?

What? Someone's what? Someone's pinched your what?

In the where?

Are you sure it wasn't just an ordinary goose, old thing?

Well, I suppose you'd know, yes, big girl like you.

Well, I say, this is damn serious, isn't it?

-Don't tell the chef whatever you do.

-What's occurred?

-Well, I...

Excuse us a moment, would you? ..Come over here.

What?!

Someone has pinched her what?

In the what?

Are you sure it's just not an ordinary goose?

-She ought to know. In fact, I know she knows.

-How d'you know?

She boils my eggs for me. This is damn serious. Ought we to tell the others?

I think we jolly well better, yes. I'm, er...

I'm afraid we've had a bit of bad news.

Someone has pinched the turkey.

Tomorrow's dinner up the spout. Down the drain. Out the window.

Now, all this may sound rather trivial, but the point is it was no ordinary Turkey. It was enormous.

-It weighed nearly a hundredweight.

-Especially bred on this very estate

in honour of these very Christmas festivities.

More meat on it than any bird you've ever seen.

-Except that woman I was dancing with.

-Yes!

Yes, excluding her, naturally. A fearsome creature.

-Yes, she was. Boom-boom.

-No, the turkey, the turkey!

-Where, where?

-The chef was waiting to stuff it.

-Oh, the turkey?

-Yes.

Just in time, yes. Bred especially to feed 50 people.

Think of those people all sitting down to Christmas dinner tomorrow.

Everyone wanting a leg.

Yes, and no turkey. Think of those six kitchen maids especially brought over from Paris for the occasion.

-Think of the chef.

-What?

-Think of the chef.

-Sorry, I was still thinking of the kitchen maids. But that chef, he'll go mad.

-Mind you, he is mad.

-Yes, I know, but he'll be down in the kitchen at this moment happy as a sand boy.

Having got tonight's little repast out of the way,

he's beginning to get into serious training for the main event tomorrow.

He's probably downstairs at this moment juggling with some little trifle or other.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Oh, there you are.

Lucky you sneaked out, old chap.

That blancmange woman has passed here twice asking where she could get hold of you.

Yes. I, er... I told her to try everywhere.

She already did that during the last dance.

I wasn't actually hiding, but I've been making arrangements to solve the turkey mystery.

-On your behalf, I've sent a telegram to London.

-Whatever for?

To engage the services of a certain detective and his assistant.

A man who, though almost unknown, will one day become world famous, a household name throughout Britain.

It isn't that chap I've been reading about lately in the Strand Magazine, is it?

Not that what's his name, Warlock?

Shylock. Shylock something or other. Shylock Houses.

You mean Sherlock Holmes.

ALL: Sherlock Holmes?

No, not Sherlock Holmes. No, no, you see.

Piggy Malone. Piggy Malone.

Yes, thank you.

And his assistant Charley Farley. ALL: Ooh!

Who, did I hear you say? Who?

Well, you may not have heard of them as yet,

but I'm told they're behind very many lurid criminal cases.

SNORING

Chief.

Chief!

Just put it on the bed.

-Oh, it's you, Charley, what do you want?

-Are you busy?

Yeah, trying to get some sleep.

Oh, I didn't get a wink of sleep all day yesterday, you know?

You slept all night, though.

-It's not the same, is it?

-Yes, well.

What's that? A telegram?

-A telegram.

-Where is it from?

-From the Post Office.

-Oh, really.

-They need our help.

-What have they done? Lost a stamp?

No, it's Hampton Grange. They've asked the post office to see if they can get in touch with us.

-It's clever, isn't it?

-Didn't you know about telegrams?

No, whatever will they think of next?

-Putting the price up probably. Read it out.

-All right, all right.

"Prize fat Turkey stolen.

"Nothing to feed 50 guests on for Christmas dinner.

"How about you coming down?"

I don't think that's very funny.

Are you sure you read that out right?

"If you solve the mystery, we'll pay you well

"and your assistant can spend the night with Lady Hampton."

Eh?

"My best wishes, Sir Giles Stop."

Sir Giles who?

-Sir Giles Stop.

-Give it here.

"If you solve the mystery, we'll pay you well and your assistant stop.

"Can spend the night stop.

"With Lady Hampton and my best wishes, Sir Giles stop."

It's worth going, isn't it? Better than spending Christmas at Edna's.

Two shrivelled up mince pies and lucky to see any custard.

-Well, she's your sister.

-No, she's not.

-Eh?

-I thought she was YOUR sister.

She's not my sister.

Oh, well, that settles it, then, off to the country, eh?

Lovely big country house, all the trimmings. This, that and the other.

-What d'you mean?

-A bite of this, a drink of that, plenty of...

I don't want you letting it go. Remember what I promised your mum.

Anyway, we can't go.

-Why not?

-I've got to stay and look after Harry's pigeons.

-Next door, you mean?

Yes, he's gone away for Christmas and he wants me to let them out.

Let them out, then shut the cage.

They'll be all right.

Come on, this lovely, rich country house.

Think of all the beautiful woman that must be there with the low-cut dresses and their eyes a-shining.

-No, we're not going.

-Think of all the drink and the fat cigars.

I said we're not going.

Think of all the food!

-Come on, then.

-I'll sling a few things in the bag.

-Send a reply to let them know we're coming. We must leave at once.

-Right.

Ooh!

Good evening, good evening. I'm not stealing these birds.

I'm, er... I'm just looking after them for a friend.

He asked me to keep them shut in and to let them out every day.

During the night.

I'm an international detective, P G Malone.

-It's me, chief.

-Eh?!

-You didn't know that, did you?

It's very good, that. Where did you get that?

From a joke shop. It's a disguise set.

Just what we need for our trip to the country.

-Have you got one for me an' all?

-There was only one beard, but I've got something just as good.

Come on, wait until you get into the cab. Come on!

That suits you, chief.

Do you think so?

No one will know you at Hampton Grange.

Nobody knows me anyway.

-Excuse me.

-Yes? Oh...

-I think...

-No, no!

-They're coming.

-Who?

-The detectives.

-They're on their way here by cab and should be here in three hours.

-That's marvellous!

The detectives are on their way! That's marvellous, isn't it?

Until then, I suggest we forget all about it. It's only a damn Turkey.

-Right.

-I wonder who the swine was who pinched it.

-You said you were going to forget all about it.

-So I did.

-Anyway, I'm just about to announce a little entertainment.

-Lovely!

Ladies and gentlemen... ladies and gentlemen,

we're honoured to have in our midst tonight a charming and talented actress,

that darling of the music hall - Miss Cheryl Kennedy.

She has... She has agreed to give us her famous portrayal

of a young urchin boy of the London streets in a monologue entitled Christmas Bells.

'Ear the bells a-ringing, Bill?

That's cos it's Christmas Eve.

But it ain't for you and me there's a ringing.

When we is cold and hungry, Bill, it's hard to make believe

as we can hear the happy angels singing.

If we had a bed to sleep in, and could get a bit to eat,

then bells of angels voices might remind us,

but not when you're a doss, Bill, in the cold and cruel street,

where the bobbies are nearly always sure to find us.

It's dreadful hard on you, Bill, cos you're such a little kid.

What didn't or know a bit of sorrow,

and wouldn't if them Christian folks'd do as they would bid.

My old man's birthday's gonna be tomorrow.

But it was him what said, "Let little children come to me."

And meaning just such little coves as you, Bill.

But I ain't got no chance, cos I'm 14, you see.

And I tell you, as I knows a thing or two, Bill.

You can't sell evening papers so to get a bit to eat,

like I've done since the time I was seven,

without picking up enough of badness in this street

to leave no earthly chance to get to heaven.

Them coves that comes around with tracks, sum me up a treat.

I'm an outcast, poor, lost sinner.

Perhaps they'd be the same if they'd been brought up in the street

and hardly ever had no proper dinner.

But, Bill, when you and me is dead,

I'll come along with you and you shall introduce me as your brother.

And 'im who knows what sorrow is is sure to let me through.

Because why, we've been such pals to one another.

Ain't we, Bill?

APPLAUSE

Come in.

They you are, Ronald dear.

Hello, Mrs Featherstone.

This is my niece, Emma from Shropshire. Do you remember her?

You used to love playing with her toys when you were a lad.

-Really?

-You must remember?

Yes, I remember her toys.

How lovely to see you again, Emma.

Thank you, Ronald, what a charming house.

I'll leave you two alone together, I know you've got lots to discuss.

Thank you.

-Do sit down, Emma.

-Oh, thank you.

You've got a much bigger girl since I saw you last.

-Yes.

-A beautiful dress you are wearing,

it's a delightful corsage, you are not cold, are you?

No, no, no.

You're not too hot, are you?

-No, I'm quite comfortable, thank you.

-Oh, good.

Would you prefer to go and sit in the other room?

-Er, no.

-You're sure?

-Yes.

-Would you like to sit here?

-No.

Good. You would say?

I'm quite happy here, I don't want to move.

Oh, good.

I know, I could move this chair over to here,

-then we could sit side by side.

-Good.

-Or...

-Or what?

Or I could move that chair over here and then you could either sit there,

or there, or where you are now and it would not matter to me.

-Shall I?

-Er, no.

-Now you're angry.

-No, I'm not.

-Yes, you are.

-I am not.

-Honestly?

-Honestly.

-Yes, you are.

-I am not!

-You're sure I'm not fussing you to much?

-Yes, quite sure.

-Good, perhaps you would like a nice drink?

Well, that would be most welcome.

-A glass of sherry?

-Yes, please.

They're serving a delicious port.

-Well then, I'll have the port.

-Right.

-Have the sherry if you'd rather?

-No, I'll have the port.

-Perhaps you'd just prefer something to eat?

-No, just the port.

-Silly to drink port on an empty stomach.

-I'll have the sherry, then.

-The port's better.

-Oh...

-Now you are angry.

-No, I'm not.

-Would you like to go and sit back with your aunt?

-No.

-Shall I sit with her?

-No!

-Well, should either of us both go, separately or together or not? It's up to you.

-Oh!

-Now you are angry.

-No.

-Would you like a seat?

-No!

-Shall I get another chair?

-No.

-A glass of sherry?

-No.

-A glass of port?

-No!

-Am I fussing you too much?

-Yes!

God, I thought she'd never go!

My friends,

or may I call you ladies and gentlemen?

I have been asked to make a speech, but before I do, I'd like to say a few words.

Before I do that, I tell I must feel you that I've had a few.

Drinks, that is. Not words. Mind you, quite a few words have passed my lips in my time,

and of course that's what life is all about, isn't it? Communication, the spoken word.

It is essential we know that what's going on and indeed what isn't going on that should be.

We must communicate with each other and also with anyone else we happen to meet, because everyone,

and by everyone I mean everybody, can and in fact does, or if they don't at present

they very soon will, because to be honest, everyone has to eventually.

Or as we all know, and those who have had the experience will bear me out.

And the sooner, the better.

In other words, we must try to regard the nation as a whole

and those who think it is one should get out and make room for the others.

There's no room here for shirkers, this country has a great future behind it.

I mean, have you ever...?

Have you ever wondered what we shall all be like in 100 years from now?

Well, we'll be dead.

Yes, we'll be dead, thank you, little Disraeli.

We will be dead, but this land of ours will be a Garden of Eden, take my word for it.

Today for instance, we have the penny post, but then they will have two posts.

Oh, yes. The first class post that doesn't get there the next day,

and the second class post that doesn't get there the day after.

Transport, you see, will be quite different.

We shall have 30 horsepower omnibuses.

Worked by only two men, one to drive and the other to clean up after the 30 horses.

I predict that many minority groups will seek the vote.

Dogs, horses.

Even women!

And I think horses will probably get it.

As to women, that could lead to trouble.

Mind you, I'm not denying some women have a perfect right,

but on the other hand, they got an equally good left.

Where do women get these ideas about wanting to wear the trousers?

In my opinion, they should drop them completely...

and assume their rightful position, bent over the sink. I mean...

If that isn't proof of the pudding, if proof were needed, then I don't know who has.

To sum up, you may drink to the girl with a face that's divine.

To the girl with a figure that's wavy.

You may drink to the girl from blue-blooded stock, you may drink below-stairs with the slavey.

You may drink to the girl who is one of the boys, who goes out with the Army and Navy.

But here's to the girl who was both rich and old,

to the girl with one foot in the gravy.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Ladies and gentlemen... absent friends.

Well? Did you find out why we've stopped?

The cab driver's lost a leg.

I know that, I noticed when we first got in.

Wooden leg straight out in front of him.

I thought you had to catch hold of it when you got in the cab.

-You didn't?

-I did as a matter of fact.

-What did he say?

-Nothing.

Just overbalanced and fell in the gutter.

I still don't see why we stopped. He's only just sitting up there!

-It shouldn't matter if he has got a wooden leg.

-No, he hasn't got one, he's lost it.

-Eh?

-He's lost it. The wooden leg!

Oh!

Said he was feeling a bit tired and he dropped off.

So did his wooden leg. Wants us to go back and look for it. It can only be down the road.

I'm not crawling about in the dark feeling for cab driver's legs!

Come on, chief, otherwise we'll never get get there! He said he's not going another step without his leg.

I've a good mind to go back to Edna's.

Come on, think of all those people standing about the Grange, all looking miserable.

Poor souls.

I must say this is all going with a swing.

It certainly is, what about these French maids, they are pretty hot stuff!

How would you like one of those for Christmas?

-I bet they make pretty good stocking fillers!

-I bet they do.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MUSIC PLAYS

COCKEREL CROWS

SNORING

SNORING CONTINUES

GROANING

You'd never believe there were so many things

you could pick up in the dark that would feel like the cab driver's wooden leg.

Still we never found it.

It was pitch dark out there, chief, we should do better now that it's daylight.

No, it's gone, that has. It's gone, someone's had that.

Some great peasant woman was warming her knees around a blazing wooden leg last night.

Don't mind that, I'll have another look.

-Chief, another surprise for you.

-Eh?

-Remember Harry's homing pigeons?

-Yeah.

-They're not at home.

-What?

-Look up there.

-They've followed us here.

-They're very loyal, aren't they?

-All I did was let them out.

-Well, they're waiting to be let in again now.

They've a damn long wait coming, that's all I can say.

-Talking about long waits, have you seen anything of the cab driver this morning, or heard him?

-No.

Cabbie? Cabbie?

Cabbie?

Cabbie?!

Cabbie? Cabbie!

Nowhere in sight, vanished.

He can't of gone far, he hasn't got his leg.

Well, leg or no leg, he's disappeared.

-You know what he's done, don't you?

-What?

He's hopped it!

-Good morning.

-Good morning.

-Feeling better are you?

-It was a bit of a rough night, wasn't it?

-Oh, yes.

There is nothing to bring you round like a nice cup of coffee and a peep at the morning paper.

-Exactly, what have you got there?

-I've got the Berkshire Bugle here.

That's damn good, I've got the Hertfordshire Herald.

I love these local papers, don't you?

-Yes, much more...much more interesting, aren't they?

-Yes.

Listen to this.

"Lonely lady, 43, with little dog, seeks post."

Yes, yes.

I've got one here. "The Southern Railway Company announced today

-they are to name their great London terminus after Britain's most beloved Queen."

-Really?

Yes, it is to be called the Oscar Wilde Central.

Listen to this.

"An Irishman was found wandering in East London, late last night

"with his Wellingtons full of water.

"This is the first recorded case of brainwashing!"

There's a good one here. "Sir Thomas Inglenook, Governor of Australia,

"died yesterday from eating kangaroo meat.

"He was buried this morning at Westminster Abbey

"and again at midday and this afternoon..."

What a bounder!

"From the North-west Frontier,

"we hear General Woosley has successfully stopped an Indian rising.

"He hid his alarm clock."

"At Lewes Assizes today, Mrs Sarah Dalrymple admitted murdering her husband,

"but she asked for mercy on the grounds that she was a widow."

"In Beaconsfield, a woman who got carried away last April

"during a game of Postman's Knock has just had a special delivery."

Talking of Postman's Knock, weren't you going to find that book on party games in the library?

Oh yes, for tonight, I was.

-I wonder if it's got Postman's 20 Questions in it.

-What's that one?

The gentleman takes a lady of his choice to a secluded part of the house and asks her 20 questions.

-Oh, yes?

-If the answer to the first one is yes, he doesn't have to bother with the other 19.

It sounds fun.

We might play the whisky game later on, do you know that one?

The whisky game? Everybody sits around and drinks a bottle of whisky each,

and then someone goes out of the room and you have to try and guess who it is.

Then you all drink another bottle of whisky each and you have to try and guess who you are.

You will excuse me, won't you? You carry on having your breakfast,

I'm going to go down and see the chef. Heaven knows what we're going

to give the guests for Christmas dinner.

When you've finished, why not join Ronnie in the library? I shan't be long.

Now, for a little peace and quiet.

Or as they say, I've got a little piece and I hope she keeps quiet!

I bet in 50 years' time, they'll think that's hysterical.

People these days are just not ready for sophisticated humour.

Now, I've just had the servants in for their Christmas presents.

And this year, I've given them all the latest little novelty

to while away a few moments at the end of the day's work.

It's called a timesheet.

Anyway, I thought I'd take this opportunity

of wishing you a personal, very happy Christmas.

I have to be a bit careful, you know.

If I have three glasses of wine, the third one goes straight to my head.

Let's face it, there's nowhere else for it to go.

Thank you.

This wine was actually made by my grandfather

from an old Russian recipe, given to him by an old Russian

who'd copied it out of the Ladies' Weekly Journal.

My grandfather was quite a character when he was alive.

After he died, he got a bit run-of-the-mill.

During his lifetime, he fought with General Wolfe, Kitchener,

Clive of India, Wellington...

He just couldn't seem to get along with anybody.

Eventually...

Eventually, he met an untimely end when he became the first man ever

to slide down Mount Everest on a tin tray.

And we buried him where he came to rest,

just outside Watford.

Now we come to the exciting bit, and not a moment too soon.

One night, about a week after the old gentleman shuffled off this mortal coil and snuffed it,

I was sitting here getting a cheap thrill out of some of the more erotic chapters of Little Women...

God, we're a simple lot!

When I heard this burst of high pitched, unnatural laughter.

It gave me a turn. Suddenly, over in the far corner,

between the volume, I Was Queen Victoria's Batman, and a book on Formula Two sedan-chair racing...

I saw...

I saw an operation... Sorry. I saw...

I saw an apparition.

It was the ghost of my grandfather. The new see-through model.

He said, "Ron, I'm now your fairy grandfather."

Quite.

I suppose he meant it in the nicest possible way.

You never can tell, can you?

He said, "I'm now your fairy grandfather, I've come to grant you one wishes."

I said, "I thought it was always three wishes."

He said, "Don't push me, I'm a beginner."

He said, "Something simple."

I said, "What about a very funny joke I can tell at the Christmas party?"

He said, "Listen to this.

"Imagine if you will," he said, leaning back like that, "Imagine if you will..."

I don't know why he did it, because it doesn't make any difference.

But he felt like leaning back. "Imagine if you will," he said, "a Roman galley

"and the rows of Christian slaves down below are all rowing away,

"saying, "Woe is me!" and, "Dear, oh dear!"

"And "Oy vay!""

A stowaway! Anyway...

"Oy vay!" - a stowaway.

Anyway, the big... It wasn't an inaccuracy, anyway.

Or an apparition, it was a stowaway.

The big Roman centurion is marching up and down the aisle, lashing them

and shouting, "No singing!" and, "You broke your mother's heart, but you won't break mine."

"You play ball with me and I'll play ball with you."

I was in the army with this fellow.

He's called away for a few minutes, the big centurion,

and the Irish escape committee are just getting on

with their plan to tunnel through the bottom of the boat.

When he comes back and says, "Slaves..." and he leaned back a bit as well, actually.

He said, "Slaves, stop rowing, undo your shackles and come up on deck

"and have a couple of hours' kip in the sunshine."

So they're all lying about on the decks, sunbathing themselves.

One of the slaves goes up to him and says, "Sir, on behalf of the lads and myself,

"I'd like to say how much we appreciate this break

"from our unremitting, back-breaking toil.

"This is doing us a power of good."

So the big centurion says, "I hope so, because as soon as you get back to work,

"the skipper wants to start water-skiing."

Yes, that's the house all right.

I hope this plan of yours works.

Oh, it's bound to, chief.

All you've got to do is dump me inside the scullery door

and I'll be able to listen to what all the kitchen staff are talking about.

The culprit had a knowledge of cooking, that's why he had the sense

to steal the turkey before it was stuffed.

Thus making it lighter to carry.

Exactly. It can always be stuffed later.

You reckon it's an inside job, do you?

Stuffing the turkey? Oh, yes.

The crime.

Oh, the crime! As soon as you dump me on the scullery floor, I shall be able to get my ear to the ground.

Right.

One other thing - why am I wearing a false beard now?

Well, one of us wants to wear a disguise, it's too risky.

But you've been wearing it up to now, haven't you?

It's a waste, me wearing it, I'm inside a sack!

Oh, no.

Right, which way do we go, then?

That way.

Did you cut that hole in the sack?

Yes, I cut two holes in the feet an' all.

Pity, I was hoping to shut these blasted pigeons in it when we finish. Go on home!

Look at that fellow, is it anyone we know?

No, I've never seen him before in my life.

He's a nasty looking customer, what?

-I say, you know who it is?

-Who?

Look at the sack. Your turkey thief, caught red-handed.

Moving the loot.

The damn swine!

I'll soon get him.

I only hope to God this damn thing is loaded.

GUNSHOT

Chief! chief!

Chief! Chief!

Oh, what a novel idea!

Much nicer than turkey.

I say, it was a damn lucky shot, that, wasn't it?

Nonsense, I could see you were aiming at them.

You certainly saved the day there.

Watch out for rusty nails. That blunderbuss was full of them!

That looks nice, don't it?

I wonder where they got these from?

Do you mind if I just have an omelette?

The gentlemen with the music are here.

Ask them to come in.

-Gentlemen with what music, old chap?

-Those two friends of Uncle Richard's

have written us some songs and I said we'd try them out on the guests.

Oh, yes, get them in.

I'm sorry we're late. Arthur hadn't quite finished the music.

Ladies and gentlemen, in order to round off the evening,

my good friend and myself would like, if we may,

to entertain you with a few little ditties, which we hope you'll find amusing,

written by the two young gentlemen over there, who I'm sure have a great future ahead of them.

Mr, er...and Mr, er...

Ladies and gentlemen, the songs of Sullivan and Gilbert.

# Hello, how do you do?

# We are bringing you

# Songs by Sullivan and Gilbert

# Hope they're going to fill the bill, but

# Let us not waste time

# Let us start the rhyme

# We won't sing anything that is glum

# For this is the season that gives us a reason

# For drinking and filling our tum

# I must say, it's all right for some

# I eat what I like and don't put on a pound

# I like what I eat, that is why I'm so round

# Just keep off the starches

# I've got fallen arches

# With carrying this lot around

# The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra-la

# Are blooming all over the place

# The girls in the chorus that sing, tra-la

# Each one is a beautiful thing, tra-la

# A flower, a feminine grace

# A flower, a feminine grace

# There's Lily and Iris and Daisy and Rose

# There's also sweet William, but he's one of those

# But our favourite flower, she blooms by the hour

# At 26 Bloomsbury Place. #

# Take a pair of bloodshot eyes

# And a nose that's round and red

# And a set of loose false teeth

# Picture two gigantic thighs

# And a pair of knobbly knees

# With enormous boots beneath

# Some men have pretty women

# To go riding with, or swimming

# Or parading round the park

# Not for me, those smiles or dimples

# It's just bandy legs and pimples

# So, if I fancy a saunter

# I go after dark

# Take a pair of rubber lips

# And a pair of lumpy hips

# And a voice just like a knife, like a knife

# A complexion green as grass

# It's a farce, yet alas

# That's what I see every day

# In my looking-glass. #

APPLAUSE

# Three little maids one night I met

# Each one a perfect little pet

# I popped in the pub for something wet

# Three little maids came too

# Three lemonades I ordered first

# That didn't satisfy their thirst

# Then I realised the worst

# Three lemonades won't do

# They said, "Let us try champagne"

# Then they tried it once again

# "Now we'll try the beer," they said

# "Then we must be off to bed"

# Well, 14 pints and six gins later

# Went upstairs for a baked potater

# I woke up with the hotel waiter

# The three little chicks had strayed

# Three little maids unmade. #

APPLAUSE

# Dear little buttercup

# Sweet little buttercup

# Nonsense, of course you're not fat

# But, dear little buttercup

# Lift your left buttock up

# You're sitting on my hat. #

# A shy samurai went to London to buy

# Two blankets, two sheets and a pillow

# And he married a maiden who first caught his eye

# At that firm run by Waring and Gillow

# There was never a subject they quarrelled about

# Of their love for each other, there wasn't a doubt

# Till she wore a low neckline, twas then they fell out

# They will-oh, they will-oh, they will-oh. #

# There's a sailor lying drunk and feeling peaky

# Feeling peaky

# In the gutter where the pavement curb he grips

# Kirby grips

# And he cries, "My boat, the Pinafore is leaky"

# For is leaky

# What the Navy needs is more efficient ships

# Fish and chips

# When Lord Nelson lay a-dying at Trafalgar

# At Trafalgar

# What did the gallant Captain Hardy do?

# Howdy do

# He kissed his leader sadly on the poop deck

# On the poop deck

# There has never been a fond caress so blue

# Esso Blue. #

APPLAUSE

# Now it's Christmas once again

# Peace on earth, goodwill to men

# And of course, to ladies too

# They're the ones that see us through

# When the relatives all come

# Aunts and uncles, dads and mums

# And the air begins to hum

# And it's very merry Christmas and the same to you

# What a very pretty bonnet and it looks brand new

# Are you comfortable, Daddy? Will you take a glass of sherry?

# It's so nice to see you merry, sit down, please do. #

# You awake at five o'clock

# With a belt around the head

# From an orange in a sock

# And you wish that you were dead

# Then the children all appear

# What an awful night you've had

# Blow a trumpet in your ear

# Till they nearly drive you mad

# But no matter what you say

# You'll remember Christmas Day

# In a sentimental way

# Oh, they really did it nicely as it should be done

# There was such a lot of presents and we all got one

# Such seasonable weather, it was nice to be together

# Such a very merry Christmas, oh, we did have fun

# Such a very merry Christmas and we did have fun. #

APPLAUSE

# And now, pray, let us sing

# Of that patriotic thing

# That we call an Englishman

# A true blue Englishman

# Though beset by income taxes

# They clutch their Union Jacksies

# And they wave them where they can

# From the Khyber to the Congo

# You will find a Pete or Pongo

# That intrepid Englishman

# That ill-fated, celebrated, underrated, dear old Englishman. #

APPLAUSE

And it's a Happy New Year from me.

And it's a Happy New Year from him.

-Happy New Year!

-Happy New Year!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]