Christmas Special 1984 The Two Ronnies

Good evening. It's a delight to be back with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

Indeed, it is. And in a packed programme tonight,

we shall be bringing you a special survey

from reporter Craig Molesworth, in which he takes the lid off motorway cooking

and hurriedly puts it back on again.

And we'll be talking to Britain's oldest working milkman,

who has just become a father at 71...

And at 23 and at last two.

But first, the news.

President Reagan gave a speech before congress tonight.

Mrs Reagan says she wishes he'd just get on with it.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Later, the President announced that he is going off to his ranch

for the weekend, to unwind.

When he returns to Washington next week, they'll wind him up again.

Britain's most hen-pecked husband, Sidney Grovel of Bromsgrove

has left certain parts of his body for use after his death.

In a last desperate bid to be unfaithful to his wife and get away with it.

There was confusion at the gay Apollo club in Soho tonight

when a plain-clothes policeman arrested a fancy-clothes policeman.

And...

At a special retirement party tonight,

Prestwick man Doddington Chapps revealed he had once worked for a fortnight in the civil service.

Which wasn't bad for someone who was in it for 40 years.

Finally, after last week's disappointment at London Zoo,

when Tintin the giant panda turned out to not pregnant,

comes good news.

Incy Wincy Spider is up the spout again.

But now a sketch based on Shakespeare's immortal,

The Taming of the Shrew.

In which Mr Ronnie Corbett appears as the back legs.

-Can I be of assistance, sir?

-Yes.

-I'd like TYLES.

-Tiles, sir?

-Yes, bathroom TYLES.

-For fixing yourself?

Fixing myself? No, they're for drying myself. TYLES, dear boy.

You step out of the bath and give yourself a brisk tyling down.

TOWELS! Yes, sir. I'll bring a selection.

Thank you.

-Hello, Charles.

-Hello, Aubrey. Doing a bit of shopping, what?

Ra-ther. Absolutely excellent place. Everything for the house.

Oh yes, abso-tively. I always come here for the old SPICE.

Old Spice, old boy? Surely, that's in the toiletries department?

No, no, no, the old SPOUSE. The little woman. The spouse.

-I come here... I'm here for the soup.

-Soup?

-Yes.

-What kind of soup?

-BRINE.

-Brine's a little too salty for me.

No, no, BROWN. Brown Windsor soup, old boy.

The wife absolutely adores it. She was born near there. She's a SLY person.

-Angela? I wouldn't say that. A little devious, perhaps...

-No.

Born in SLOUGH. Maidenhead, Slough, Windsor.

Oh, I see!

-Excellent food department.

-Yes.

-Fish, game.

-JEESES!

-What's the matter?

No, no, I was just saying cheeses are very good here, all RIND.

Oh, we NEVER eat the rind!

No, no, I mean all ROUND, generally.

Yes, indeed, all round. Yes.

-Have you heard about Rupert?

-Rupert Kimberley-Dimbleby from Wimbledon?

-Yes, Kimbers-Dimbers, Wimbers.

-Haven't heard about him in years. When I saw him he was TIGHT.

-What, drunk, you mean?

-No, no, he was a TOUT for a bookmaker.

He was going round with a girl called Poopsie Benedict.

Really? No, he's left her, now. Consistently LIED.

-Deceitful, was she?

-No, consistently LIED. LOUD. Noisy!

-Oh, noisy! Yes.

-Yes. He's with Dulcimer Pageant now.

-Mind you, he got into trouble. They were FINED in the park.

-Fined? For doing what?

No, no, FINED. Discovered. FOUND.

Fined by the park-keeper. And she was beside him on the GRIND!

Oooh, was she?

Scandalous! I never knew really what he saw in her.

He always maintained that she had a wonderful MIND.

Well, she had two wonderful minds.

They stuck out a mile.

No, dear boy, brain. She's got it up here.

Oh, as far up as that, eh?

Awfully nice to see you, and have this absurd conversation with you.

Why don't we go and have a drinky-poos?

-What about your towels?

-I won't wait. What about A BITE to eat?

-I'm ABOUT to eat myself!

Quite a big bite too!

We must hurry, because I saw a chap with a placard saying, "The end of the world is NIGH".

What, right NOW? This very minute?

Do you think marriage is a lottery?

Eh?

You know, I mean, do you think marriage is a lottery?

No.

In the lottery, you do have a slight chance.

You like women, don't you?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, just give me me pipe, the great outdoors

and a beautiful girl

and you can keep the pipe and the great outdoors.

Still, that's got nothing to do with marriage, has it?

I mean, that's just the opposite sex.

The what?

You know what the opposite sex is, don't you?

Yeah. It's the tart who lives across the road.

Talking of which, my sister-in-law

has just had quads.

Ooh. That's pretty rare, ain't it?

Rare? It certainly is rare.

Doctors say it only happens once in 1,600,000 times.

Blimey!

It's a wonder she ever found time to do the housework.

From the hugely-successful film, The Thomas Crown Affair

comes the haunting theme Windmills Of Your Mind, written by Michel Le Grand.

It's sung now by the lovely Elaine Page.

APPLAUSE

# Round, like a circle in a spiral Like a wheel within a wheel

# Never-ending or beginning On an ever-spinning reel

# Like a snowball down a mountain Or a carnival balloon

# Like a carousel turning Runs rings around the moon

# Like a clock's hands sweeping Past the minutes of its face

# The world is like an apple Whirling silently in space

# Like the circles that you find

# In the windmills of your mind

# Like a tunnel that you follow To a tunnel of its own

# Down a hollow to a cavern Where the sun has never shone

# Like a door that keeps revolving In a half-forgotten dream

# Or the ripples from a pebble Someone tosses in a stream

# Like a clock's hands sweeping Past the minutes of its face

# And the world is like an apple Whirling silently in space

# Like the circles that you find

# In the windmills of your mind

# Keys that jingle in your pocket Words that jangle in your head

# Why did summer go SO quickly? Was it something you said?

# Lovers walk along the shore Leave their footprints in the sand

# Is the sound of distant drumming Just the fingers on your hand?

# Pictures hanging in a hallway And the fragment of a song

# Half-remembered names and faces To whom do they belong?

# When you knew that it was over In the autumn of goodbye

# For a moment you could not recall the colour of his eyes

# Round, like a circle in a spiral Like a wheel within a wheel

# Never ending or beginning On an ever-spinning reel

# As the images unwind

# Like the circles that you find

# In the windmills of your mind. #

APPLAUSE

O-o-oh!

-What's up with thee?

-Ah'm stuck.

Thar's not sat on tar shovel again, has thee?

No, ah'm stuck with crossword.

It says here "Sea creature".

Five letters and three letters.

"Sea creature"? Five letters and three letters?

"Sea..." Oh, that'll be ship's cat!

Ship's cat! Oh, like as not and happen you're reet.

Does tha believe in reincarnation?

Well, it's all right on fruit salad but I don't like it in my tea.

I mean returning to life after you've been on t'other side.

Coming back from a holiday in Morecambe?

Nay, there's a lad in our street wants to come back as a giraffe.

Oh. Why? Is he a peeping Tom?

He reckons as a giraffe you can watch Test Match wi'out paying to get in.

They let giraffes in free, do they?

I reckon that if there's owt in this reincarnation lark,

-I'd like to come back as a respected pillar in society.

-Like Nelson's Column?

No, I mean like a High Court Judge in th'Old Bailey.

Oh. I'd like to be a piano player in a naughty London bordello.

Well, I'll see thee in there, then.

D'you reckon it's still raining out yonder?

-How am I supposed to know that?

-Stick thee arm out the tent.

Oh.

PING!

It's chucking it down.

If that keeps up like it's keeping up,

we shan't get that tar-making down this side of next week.

Happen it's nothing like as maybe thee's reet.

Shall us have our snap now?

Happen it's nothing like as maybe these reet again. Right-o.

What you got in thar, then? What is it?

I think today in mine I've got... boiled tongue in mine.

Boiled tongue? Thy missis does thee reet proud.

Boiled tongue of a Wednesday? Tha must be rolling.

-Nay, boiled tongue is a message.

-A message?

It means the wife wants to give me a stiff talking-to when I get home.

When it's egg in my sandwich it means she wants me to clean out the hen hutch when I get home.

If it's lettuce it means she wants me to post letters.

Oh, I see!

-What's thee got in thine, then?

-I'm none sure, but I'm certainly none going home the night!

# I knew a girl called Jeanie Jones

# She was nothing but skin and bones

# I knew a girl called Jeanie Scott

# She had bumps where Jane had not

# I knew a girl called Susie Strong

# Her feet were large and her legs were long

# Feet so large that it is said

# She had to take her pants off over her head

# I'm talking about girls

# Girls I met

# Ice is cold and water's wet

# Up is up and feathers is down

# And that's what makes the world go round

# I knew a girl called Droopy Drawers

# Her ears stuck out like taxi doors

# Tall as a pole and thin as a candle

# Hard to please but easy to handle

# I took her out in the wind and rain

# She blew around like a weather vane

# By the fire warm and snug

# Melted her upon the rug

# I'm talking about girls

# Girls I've known oats I've scattered

# Seeds I've sown

# Up is up and down is out

# You all know what I'm talking about

# I knew a girl called Jennifer Gopher

# She had hips like a well-stuffed sofa

# As she sat on you she'd squash you flat

# Boy, I sure kept out of that

# She was buxom, big and round

# Gave good value pound for pound

# Like a mountaineer upon a climb

# I conquered her a bit at a time

# I'm talking about girls

# Girls I've seen, places I've known and places I've been

# Tales I've told and songs I've sang

# That's what makes the world go bang

# Well, I knew a girl called Big Town Bella

# Till I found out she was a fella

# We parted friends and everything

# But he never sent back that engagement ring

# I knew a girl called Topsy Turvy

# She was cute and she was curvy

# She was sweet and she was sunny

# Now I'm paying out alimony

# I'm talking about girls

# Girls I've known, birds I've nested and I've flown

# Black or white or pink or brown

# That's what makes the world go round. #

That's right.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You are, are you not, Broderick William Gerbil,

14 Rangoon Terrace, Biggleswade?

-I am.

-A forensic scientist specialising in studying rare blood stains?

No.

Are you a road sweeper?

-No.

-Trick cyclist, Smart's circus?

No.

Em...could I use this product that you make?

Not personally you wouldn't, no.

Has what you've got to do something to do with...animals?

-Yes, yes, it has, yes.

-APPLAUSE

Something to do with injured animals?

-Yes, yes.

-CLAPPING

-Do you make artificial beaks for disabled budgerigars?

-Very good!

-Well done.

-Thank you, m'lud.

You are charged with first degree murder. How do you plead?

-Not guilty.

-I'm going to give you 30 seconds to prove you're not guilty, starting from NOW.

What dramatic incident took place at the home of Sir Hugo Milverton?

He was found on his study floor.

He'd been poisoned, strangled and stabbed.

Correct. And the police concluded?

He was dead.

Correct. The details of Sir Hugo's death were never made public. How could YOU know about them?

Pass.

How do you explain that a fortnight earlier you had purchased

a 9" dagger, 2 yards of piano wire, a 12-bore shotgun, 6 bottles of strychnine from a catalogue?

-BEEP BEEP

-You may answer, you may answer.

I was trying to control some greenfly.

Arongo greenfly.

-With a 12-bore shotgun?

-The greenfly that infest my plants migrate yearly from Polynesia

and can grow up to 36" in length.

No, no, no, surely an Arongo is a kind of Tibetan Yak,

whose horns are ground to powder by the locals and made into a bedtime drink?

Possible, but I'm going to plump for Mr Gerbil's giant greenfly.

Fooled you that time, Counsel!

-Did a PC search you?

-He had a rifle through my pockets.

-What did he find?

-A rifle.

-Was not that rifle loaded with blanks?

-Em...

-Was not that rifle loaded with Blankety Blanks?

-Em...

-What do you say?

-Bullets?

I would say that! What did you put?

DING!

Well done.

Where were you at the time of the murder?

-I was in bed, m'lud, reading.

-Reading what?

Oh, a book!

An old book. Two-word title.

Trousers? Short trousers?

Shorts? Trunks? Underpants? Y-fronts?

Ladies Y...?

Knickers? Knickers!

Off? Oh, no knickers on? Oh, dear.

Knicker-LESS! Nicholas!

Second word sounds like...

Vicars? What, parson?

Parson? Parson!

Nicholas Parsons!

Bzzzz-zipp!

-You can't get Nicholas on a Parson's nose.

-Never heard of that book.

-Bzzz...

-Yes, bee!

Knicker-bee.

Nicholas Nickleby!

I've heard enough evidence. Time for a verdict.

I'm going to play my joker.

As you wish, Counsel. I hereby call upon the Foreman of the Jury, Mrs Doris Gnatwick.

Come on down!

TUMULTUOUS CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Mrs Gnatwick, do you find Mr Gerbil Guilty or Not?

Guilty as charged, m'lud.

I sentence the accused to 20 years in prison...

Ah, you played your joker, Counsel.

So we'll double it up to 40.

APPLAUSE

That's all we have time for now.

Do join us next week, and who knows?

YOU could stand trial for murder, blackmail and extortion! Until then,

it is goodbye to... Doris Gnatwick!

Broderick Gerbil!

And our token Counsel Adrian Winweasel!

Goodbye to you.

I'll have to lose some weight.

I can't go knocking on people's doors saying I haven't eaten for three days

looking like this, can I?

It's middle age spread that.

I know. I know.

There's a lot to be said for middle age spread.

Yes.

Good for married couples. Brings them closer together.

A lot of advantages come with age.

Yeah. My old grandad, for instance.

Now he can whistle while he brushes his teeth.

Exactly!

Course there is disadvantages, too.

When I went to the doctor, for example, about my memory.

"It's really going," I told him.

"I can't remember anything."

What did he say?

He was very, very reassuring.

Told me to just go and forget about it.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I am thrilled to announce

that my new LP, Ronnie Corbett Live At The St John's Women's Institute A-Go-Go,

Croydon's premier nightspot,

my record has just gone tupperware.

We haven't had all the figures,

but early estimates from record shops suggest that my new album may have sold six copies,

completely shattering my previous record, which is something else people have been doing.

It's a remarkable success story when you consider this new LP won't be released till tomorrow.

The man who produced it will be released next week.

-No expense has been par...

-LAUGHTER

No expense spared, they have commissioned Patrick Lichfield to take a photo for the cover of me.

Special photo of me for the cover. I had reservations, because he does tend to flatter his subjects.

Make people more glamorous than they are. I didn't want that. "Show me as I am," I said, and so...

Look at that. Isn't that wonderful?

-LAUGHTER

-No, be honest. He's definitely caught me there, don't you think?

No, this... This record is special for me because it contains

all the funniest jokes I have told in 30 years of show business.

-LAUGHTER

-It's... It's pathetic, isn't it?

I've heard of compact discs but that's ridiculous.

You can use it for parking meters in Yugoslavia.

I'll give a free copy of this LP to everyone who laughs at my story.

Everyone who doesn't laugh will get two free copies.

This story was told in the pub by our local Catholic priest, who was giving last rites to the bitter.

I went along this evening, and the landlady was about to give me my usual,

then her husband walked in, and that put paid to that!

No. It was an eventful evening, actually. At one point, there was a panic and the pub was evacuated,

after a tip-off that someone had planted a Max Bygraves single in the juke box!

I don't mean it, Max.

The local MP had a bit of skinful and lost his seat in the gent's, traditionally a Labour stronghold.

I'm laughing because I know the end.

He IS an improvement on the old priest who left under embarrassing circumstances.

He was not only de-frocked but also had his handbag confiscated

Now, this new priest has a much more commercial approach.

He introduced the gimmick, Senior Citizens' Supersaver.

If you're over 65 you can sin anywhere in Britain at weekends for only five Hail Marys.

While we were chatting, he told me this funny story about a young lady who goes to America for a break.

-Cu-co-coi-coinc...

-LAUGHTER

-Rather a coincidence, actually, because earlier this year

-I

-went for a break to Kenya, on safari.

It was actually one of those cheap, fast sightseeing tours.

They strapped me to the back of an ostrich and fired a gun!

-Next...

-LAUGHTER

Next year, I'm going to take my car because I've just bought one of those Anglo-Jewish cars.

Aushtin-Smoshtin.

Hand-built by rabbis.

It's got all the latest gadgets.

Forget to fasten your seatbelt and a voice says, "Kill yourself, I should worry!"

But...

back to the young lady now.

This young lady is about to go to America, and she decides she will stowaway on a boat.

She secretes herself inside a crate of herrings,

and it's loaded onto the ship, and two hours later she's off.

So would you be in a crate of herrings!

So, a fortnight later, the girl is discovered and marched into the Captain,

who says, "Do you mean to tell me you have been stowed away for two weeks? Where have you been?"

She said, "On my first day on the boat, the Second Officer found me,

-"and every day for the last..."

-LAUGHTER

It's a bit like Jackanory, this!

"..every day for the last fortnight he has let me hide in his cabin.

"He's given me hot meals, let me use his bath and shower,

"and let me sleep in his bed."

"And was that all he did?" asked the Captain.

The girl turned crimson and said, "He HAS been taking advantage of me."

The Captain said, "I'll say! This is the Liverpool to Birkenhead ferry!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

EXPLOSIONS AND GUNFIRE

-Are you all right, Private?

-Yes, Sir.

-I thought we'd had it back there.

-Yes, Sir.

Where do you think Jerry is now?

-Jerry, Sir?

-Yes, Jerry. Where do you think he is now?

What, Jerry Babacock?

-What?

-Jerry Babacock?

-No, the man we are fighting. The Hun.

-Where do you think he is now?

-Oh, that Jerry.

He's over that way, Sir.

Is he? Yes, Sir.

God, I wish I were back in Blighty.

-Do you, Sir?

-Yes.

What about you, Private? Do you ever wish you were back in Blighty?

What sort of nightie, Sir?

-What?

-What sort of nightie? Black frilly one with the lacy...

BLIGHTY, old man. I said BLIGHTY. Not nightie, BLIGHTY.

Sorry, Sir. I must have misheard you.

I thought you said you wanted to get back in a negligee

when you got home.

Don't be ridiculous!

-Anyway, what if I do?

-Nothing, Sir.

Have you got a wife, Private?

Yes, here you are, Sir.

No, not a KNIFE, a WIFE, Private?

-Have you got a WIFE? Are you married?

-Oh, yes, Sir.

Yes. I'm not.

-Probably because of the nightie, Sir.

-Shut up!

GUNSHOT

Sounded like a Jerry rifle.

-Bit strange in the trenches, Sir.

-What?

A sherry trifle in the trenches.

Not SHERRY TRIFLE! A JERRY RIFLE. What's the matter...

SHELL EXPLODES

Sounds as if they're warming up the big guns.

What? In the oven you mean, Sir?

Warming up the big buns...

Not big buns.

-You're obsessed with food. Not BUNS, GUNS.

-Sorry, Sir.

-Argh!

-What's the matter, Sir?

The arm. Ow! Bullet.

No! Not PULL IT!

BULLET, man, BULLET!

-Don't pull my arm off!

-I'm sorry, Sir.

I'd better go back with this.

Pass me that clean cape, would you?

Which cream cake would that be, Sir?

Cream... Clean... Oh, never mind.

-I'm going back.

-Are you off?

Are you off, Sir? Back to Blighty, Sir?

They probably wouldn't fit me now.

I'll say toodle-oo, Private.

Yes. Just down the end. Third hole on the left, Sir.

GUNSHOT

# I'll sing you a song of Snivelling and Grudge Two merry evil twisters

# Through merry England they did trudge Acqui-ring mighty blisters!

# With a witty-titty-wobble And a tooraloolay And a titty fah-la etcetera

# They were charlatans they were mountebanks But they were n-ot successes

# You'll never find in manhood's ranks Two more pathetic messes

# With a titty-tiddle-piddle And a tooraloo And a titty fah-la etcetera. #

Not there, Grudge, the donkey's done something there.

-People have got to drink that stuff.

-It's supposed to taste horrible. It's medicine.

I think we'll call this The Ethiopian Elixir, as used by King Solomon himself.

Two spoonfuls between wives, eh?

There's a tadpole in this one.

Proves it's fit to drink.

-He's floating on his back.

-Well, I blame the donkey for that!

We'll have to get out of this business, Snivellin'.

Ten gold pieces is all we need to save.

We could hang up our boots and retire.

-We could open a little Chemist shop. We could hang our boots above the door as a sign.

-Lovely.

What would we call it?

Well, if we're going to hang up our boots and retire, and use the boots as a sign it's obvious.

-What?

-Timothy Whites.

Who's he?

Well, he's the man who made the boots, ain't he?

Ten gold pieces. How we ever going to manage to save that amount?

20 years we've been on the road.

What have we achieved apart from introducing athlete's foot to Europe,

or in my case athlete's inch.

But Snivellin', we're bringing people a dream here, ain't we?

This is better health, better life. This is happiness we're bottling.

-This is hope!

-HORSE BURPS

Thanks VERY much.

MEDIEVAL MUSIC

# So, into town on a market day They come to sell their dream But the passers-by keep passing by

# 'Cos they're not as stupid as they seem. #

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

Roll up! Roll up!

Get your Ethiopian Elixir here.

Step right up.

Don't get killed in the rush. Women and children first. Form a queue.

One at a time, please.

-Don't mob me!

-COW MOOS

Well, it's obvious that you would like a demonstration.

Very well. Now then, who is there here who, for instance, has got a bad nose?

-Yes, you look as if you've...

-It's no good, Grudge. It's no good.

I mean, they don't want to know.

Come on, let's buzz off.

What's all this, then?

-Shove off!

-What's all this stuff?

He's a punter!

What's in this bottle?

That, sir, is the elixir that cures all. D'you know why?

Because it's made of the tears of Queen Guinivere,

Hercules' perspiration, Cleopatra's bath water. It is beyond price.

-How much?

-A halfpenny a bottle.

I'm constipated.

If you want to spend a penny you'll need two bottles.

Well done, Mr Snivellin'. Sold, sir.

Here, I think our luck's changed.

-GIGGLING

-Hell-o!

Good day, my lord, you look like the sort of young gentleman

who could do with extra protein later in the day.

Allow me to introduce you to Snivelling And Grudges' Extract Of Rhinoceros.

Puts lead back in your quill pen, as they say.

-I can't write.

-Don't worry. You won't have time. I have testimonials from 53 Sabine women.

Eunuchs have taken this stuff and have been forced to resign!

-It's gunpowder.

-What do you mean? That is the dust of Venus herself.

-What are you doing with it?

-I'll show you.

-What's he on about?

Stand back!

Oh, by God, that Elixir's strong stuff.

# Now, entering our unlikely tale Sir Guy de Michelin

# A cru-el and wicked overlord Whose life is steeped in sin

# But his only care Is his daughter fair

# Who's gone down with the vapours

# You must have heard about it 'cos it's been in all the papers

# With a hey pretty titty

# And a copy of the Sun And a more nitty-gritty in the Guardian. #

Where's my Mervanwy?

There you are, my darling.

Still no sign of them? They can't have vanished into thin air.

I want those men found, understand?

-My Lord...

-Silence!

Oh, Mervanwy, I hate this forest.

I hate its dank darkness,

its fetid fungi,

its marshy moors, its vile, vermin-ridden vestigial vervane!

-But, My Lord...

-Silence! How dare you interrupt me!

I want those men found, understand?

-What I'm trying to say...

-One more word and I'll have you beheaded.

Do you understand? Answer me.

-We have the men...

-Off with his head! You what?

Bring them!

Honoured to be in your presence, My Lord.

-What are you doing?

-Kissing your horse, My Lord.

-Are you grovelling?

-No, Snivelling.

-We ain't done nothing.

-We'd like 27 other offences to be taken into consideration.

Did you two miserable creatures sell medicine to a Freeman of this city?

No, well, HE might have.

-He did well. It cured his constipation.

-Oh. I helped.

-Could you cure my daughter?

-For constipation?

-She's fallen into a morbid flux.

-I

-stepped in one of them once.

-She's much distempered.

-No, no decorating.

-You will give her your Ethiopian Elixir.

-Ah...

-The alternative is the rack.

She don't deserve that, My Lord.

For you.

-Followed by hanging, drawing and quartering.

-Thank you, sir.

Conduct these gentlemen to my Cunigunda's chamber. You have until cock crow!

-What'll we do?

-We strangle the cock!

We've got two bottles of Elixir. Why don't we give her one?

What? At a time like this?

These are only filled with pond water, ain't they?

That's another fine mess you got me into.

-Grudgey?

-What?

Before they hang, draw and quarter me will you promise to knock me on the head?

-All right, if you promise to do the same for me afterwards.

-Deal.

# The maid lies here Unloved, unwed

# But our heroes cannot save her

# So I'll creep into the fair maid's bed And do u-s bo-th a favour! #

Oh, Minstrel.

Is that your lute? No.

MINSTREL: I keep my money in my back pocket.

COCK CROWS

COCK-A-DOODLE-DO

Wh-What was that?

What...? Ohhh, what time is it?

I don't know, my candle's stopped.

It's past five!

-It's a secret passageway. Come on!

-It might be damp. We might catch our death of cold.

-Oh, come on!

A secret passage! Follow them.

-CLATTER OF WEAPONS

-QUIETLY!

We must find them.

-Curses!

-That was their donkey and cart, Sire. They've fled into the Green Wood.

Curses. And I brought them this.

Ten pieces of gold.

I've never seen my Cunigunda SO happy.

Someone must have given her the right medicine. Pity. Pity they must go unrewarded.

Go on.

Come on, let's get out of here!

You start, I'll follow. Well, I'll have to.

-I can't see where I'm going properly.

-Who can't? You should be back here.

I've got no control at all over anything.

Which reminds me, Snivelling, in case we have to stop suddenly,

-would you do me a favour?

-What?

Would you mind taking your false teeth out?

# With a witty-titty-wobble And a tooralay And a titty fah-la etcetera. #

Well, that seems to be just about all we've got time for

-tonight, doesn't it, Ronnie?

-Yes, I'm afraid it does.

But before we go, a few late items of news.

At the Alhambra Theatre Court today, Mr Albert Witterspoon,

playing the part of Mother Goose,

was overpowered by thieves who broke into his dressing room.

They stripped him and trussed him up.

A hospital spokesman tonight described his condition as "oven-ready".

At the Albert Hall tonight, the fight for the World Short-Sighted boxing title

was stopped in the ninth round to save the referee from further punishment.

Traffic news, Floella Zapp, the tattooed lady

from Lord George Davidson circus,

who has a complete map of Britain's roads system covering her

body, informs us that there is a man at work on part of the M1.

Finally, finally, we have been asking people

if they have managed to keep their resolutions this year,

their New Year resolutions this year.

Bernard Manning said, yes, he has managed to cut down on eating.

Oliver Reed said, yes, he hasn't been drinking as much.

But Joan Collins says essential services must be maintained.

In our next programme, we shall be talking to Angus McTavish of the

London Caledonian Society, who, when asked to do something Glaswegian

on Burns' night, was sick in a phone box.

And we'll be meeting Elastic Jack - the contortionist ho

puts his legs behind his ears and makes a spectacle of himself.

Until then, it's goodnight from me.

-And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

-Goodnight.