Episode 1 Tracey Ullman's Show

This programme contains some strong language.

# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom

# Then I grew up and did it again

# Basically I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom

# And I'll do it to the bitter end

# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman's Show

# Tracey Ullman's Show

# Let's do the show, let's go

# Tra-acey Ullman's Show

# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman

# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey

# Tracey Ullman's Show

# Let's go! #

Oi!

I saw that. Do you want me to call the police?

I don't know what you mean.

Oh, it's you, isn't it?

If you mean, is it Dame Judi Dench? Then, yes, it is.

-How very nice to meet you.

-Sorry about that.

There must be something wrong with the security camera.

-Yes, well, they can be temperamental.

-I loved you in James Bond.

Oh, we just try to tell a good story. And thank you.

What was I thinking?

-Dame Judi Dench wouldn't shoplift. You're a national treasure.

-Exactly.

And because I'm a national treasure, I could get away with anything.

But, of course, I don't.

Oh, what's that over there?

Oh, my mistake.

-Well, it's an honour meeting you.

-Yes, lovely to meet you, too.

You have such a lovely shop here.

SHE CACKLES

-Look, Karen!

-Karen!

-Leave it all to me, don't worry. Leave it to me.

How does it feel to be home?

My client is very tired after her long flight,

-but she is willing to answer a few questions.

-REPORTER:

-Karen, Karen!

You're a free woman after 28 years.

-What is the first thing you are going to do?

-Have a wash.

-I smell like a frigging badger.

-How does it make you feel that...?

-What's that?

-A croissant.

-A what?

-Croissant.

-A what?

-Croissant.

-A what?

-Doesn't matter.

You have had great support here over the past three decades.

How does it make you feel when you look at that picture?

It were a dead good holiday, that, till we got done for the drugs.

Me and me best mate, we got a job in a bar in Koh Tao

and we were putting cocaine in packets of pot noodles.

Chicken chow mein and Charlie.

-Your friend Sharon wasn't quite as lucky as you, was she?

-No.

She got executed by a firing squad, but that is the risk you take, innit?

Hey, Sharon's mum!

What's that?

-That's a flat white.

-A flat what?

-Flat white.

-Flat what?

-Anyway...

It's time my client finally went home.

Her mother has waited a long time to get her daughter back.

Yeah, I've got 28 years of Corrie to catch up on.

-Is Ken Barlow still in it? REPORTERS:

-Yeah.

OK, thank you.

Sorry, we just wondered if you had...

SIRENS

This way, Mrs Merkel.

We are the most important, powerful people in the world

and we have to meet in Cardiff!

-It is perverse.

-It is a joke, no?

It is this British irony that they are so proud of,

that they think nobody else understands.

We understand. It is not so clever.

-Yes. It just means actually not funny.

-Exactly.

Make the O shape with your lips.

No, like this... O. O.

George Osborne is coming today.

-Oh!

-Perfect.

What are you putting on there, Birgit?

-Flesh colour, natural-ish, but a nice warm flesh.

-Not too warm?

Nein, mein Chancellorette.

Oh, and careful, Birgit, or we will get the puffiness with the hair

and then it's all sex bomb, sex bomb and nobody can concentrate

and the whole meeting is nutzlos.

Now, what are we wearing for the summit? How about this one?

Oh, nein.

That one pushed down on my bust in Davos

and George Soros was panting over me.

And then Berlusconi, he had to go to the bathroom for a long time.

His hair dye was running, running down his cheeks.

This one?

I'm not sitting in a window in Amsterdam!

Then let's go with the old faithful.

What is this smell?

Obama.

With a hint of David Cameron's Penhaligon Cologne. He's a hugger.

Oh, Birgit.

Do you remember when we went to that dinner at Windsor Castle

with that carpet with the terrible pattern that gave us all a headache?

And the British toilets with the incompetent flush?

I like to speak to the Queen in German.

She pretends not to understand me.

Until you insult her children,

then she hears every word.

THEY LAUGH

Every word, Birgit! THEY LAUGH

Where's Dad?

He's dead.

Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, 1996.

Oh...

SHE HAWKS

Maggie's died, an' all.

What, her up the road?

No, Thatcher.

Oh...

Oh, I kept your bedroom as it was for when you came back.

Well, why didn't you say so before?!

Bloody hell!

I didn't touch a thing.

It's all me old photos.

Oh, look, there's me and Barry outside the Wimpy.

I've still got that mix tape that he made for me.

He had lovely hair, then, like Shakin' Stevens.

Does he still live on Copperfield Street?

Well, he does, but a lot of time has passed, Karen.

I mean, he has got grown-up kids. He's about to become a grandad.

I've thought about him a lot over the years.

I'm sorry, Karen.

I know it's hard.

I'd love to see him again.

Just once.

I'll take you there this afternoon.

SOOTHING MUSIC This is a bit of aromatherapy.

It's jasmine which is both helpful and beneficial...

I'm just going to pop it over here.

Now, if something smells a bit burny, that the dusky notes.

Very dusky and very woody.

I'm just going to pop the music up to really soothe you.

WHISPERED: Hello? Fire Brigade, please.

Yes. Can they pop over as soon as they can?

Now, you may notice it's a bit hot in the room.

That's to relax you and to soothe you.

CLIENT COUGHS

Yes, it's natural to cough, you are just letting the toxins out.

CLIENT COUGHS

Well, Barbara, I have to say that this is a hugely impressive CV.

Thank you.

We've seen a lot of candidates over the last few months

-and this is amongst the most impressive.

-Thanks.

Project management is really my specialist area.

I think you can see from my CV that I really do have

a lot of experience with team leadership.

There was just one thing on it, and I know that Peter

and Fiona are curious about it as well.

As we were preparing for the interview,

we googled your name and it comes up quite a few times, actually,

that you have been convicted of crimes against humanity.

What's that about?

Well, I decided to leave that off the CV

because I think it's always best to be honest with people.

Honest?

Well, in the sense that it's something that happened in the past

and it isn't really relevant any more

and I would really rather focus on the last two years.

-So, what are the details?

-Of the... What, the crimes against humanity?

Yes.

Well, I was convicted about two years ago in The Hague

of crimes against humanity in my absence and that's about it, really.

-Was this a genocide, or something?

-It was a genocide, yes.

So how many people would have died?

Well, the UN reckons about 15,000,

but I think it was more like 20, maybe 30.

-And what was your role in this?

-Largely organisational.

I was responsible for the transport and general administrative stuff.

A lot of burials obviously had to be undertaken

and if you look at it purely in those terms, I was very successful.

Did you try and stop the genocide at any stage?

I did try to stop it at one stage, but ultimately,

it was just easier to go along with it.

Yes, I'm just looking up crimes against humanity here

and it defines it as murder, massacres, extermination,

human experimentation, kidnappings, unjust imprisonment,

slavery and cannibalism.

Guilty as charged!

-And the sentence for crimes against humanity was in your absence?

-Yes.

I wasn't in court and again, to be completely honest, it was 25 years.

-And you're on the run now, are you?

-Yes.

OK...

I think we are all agreed,

that won't...

..be a problem.

It's still a hugely impressive CV.

Yes, it's definitely the best we've seen.

Yes, I think we are all in agreement.

So, welcome to the bank.

Thank you.

Karen?

I've made you a chip butty.

Karen?

Karen?

SNORING

Aw...

Yea-aargh!

SPEAKS COD THAI

Karen!

Aargh!

Mum, I'm sorry, I thought you were trying to steal my shampoo.

You shouldn't wake me up like that,

I could have snapped your neck. Bam, like a chopstick.

-It wouldn't be the first time.

-Oh...oh...

This is Dame Maggie Smith's audition show reel.

I wish to move into science-fiction blockbusters.

If Harrison Ford can crank them out at his age

then there's hope for us all.

Ooh, there's a Xenomorph on the spaceship and it has acid for blood!

Though if it dissolves your face,

I hardly think we'd notice the difference, dear.

This is for Star Trek.

I believe there is a special name for Star Trek fans.

Idiots.

Mr Scott, the Enterprise needs power

and she needs it now, or there will be words.

And finally, Star Wars.

The force is an energy which surrounds us and binds us.

It's like good underwear, darling.

There.

Well, I look forward to seeing my action figure.

Right, so I'll see you on Monday.

Phone me when the anteater does a poo

and I want it bagged and weighed, all right?

Now, the lamb is a bit depressed so I don't want you bringing it down.

-It doesn't want to hear about your problems...

-Hayley!

Just a word before you go.

Now, we love your work here and I'm sure the animals appreciate you.

They say I'm the best by a considerable margin.

Well, I'm just a bit worried about the time you are spending

on some of the animals.

Perhaps not all of the ants need to be given names,

or funerals when they die.

Well, Mr Antastic was a really important member

of the arthropod community.

Yes, and so was Ant Boleyn and Anty Jemima and Presid-Ant Lincoln.

Thank you for the e-mails, sorry I couldn't attend each service.

Yeah, I know you're busy.

-Could you open the bag, please?

-There's nothing in the bag.

-Open it.

-You're not the boss of me.

-Yes, I am.

-Oh, yeah...

Oh, you can't take the penguins home for the weekend, Hayley.

But he loves to watch Britain's Got Talent!

Choirs and street dance is what he's into.

Take him back to the penguin area.

But I've got Ocado coming in the morning with 600 herring

and I can't eat all that!

Well, we'll just have to watch it on my phone on Monday.

I know it's not much fun

when you can't join in with the tweets in real time.

You know, "What's Amanda Holden wearing? #NotEnough."

A shock result from the South Brierley by-election last night

as controversial feminist candidate Sally Preston

won a landslide victory.

The independent MP for South Brierley is being widely credited

with generating a remarkable new interest in British politics.

BIG BEN CHIMES

Busy today. Must be a close vote.

Yeah, that'll be it, all very excited to represent the electorate

to the fullest possible.

-Mm-hm.

-Morning.

-Morning, Sally.

-MALE MPS:

-Morning, Sally.

-Great speech yesterday, Sally.

-Did you see the viewing figures?

-No.

-Highest ever for BBC Parliament.

Ten times the average.

Seems you've got people really fired up about your...

er...stuff.

Well, that's great because the more exposure I get for my exposure,

the sooner we will all cease to be so dismissively sexualised.

Oh, sorry, I didn't know it was on. My wife is a big fan.

-SHE SCOFFS

-Hi, Claire Hollis. Greenwich.

-Can I just grab a quick word?

-Yes. Yes. Of course.

Listen, I know we're on different sides of the chamber,

-but can I just say something, woman to woman?

-Yes, of course.

It's just that... How do I put this?

We both know it's a very important bill today and it just feels like...

they're taking focus away from the issue.

Well, they ARE the issue.

Yes, but that's the issue, they shouldn't be the issue.

I've been an MP for seven years and let me tell you,

if you want people to vote your way,

they have to pay attention to what you say rather than what they see.

Yeah, but this was a promise I made to my electorate.

These are my mandate.

Yeah, I know, but you have to establish yourself first.

Trust me, in this place, you do not want to run before you can walk.

And you know the first thing you need

before you go running, don't you?

-What?

-A good bra.

THEY LAUGH

Which is why I believe that these reduced subsidies

are tantamount to stealth taxation on poor women everywhere.

Well, I utterly disagree.

CHEERING

-The Honourable Member...

-Bitch!

-..doesn't seem to grasp the first...

I know it's early days, Karen,

but what are your plans, now you're back?

Well, I'll get me old job back in Woolies, I loved it there.

Woolworths has gone. They've all closed down.

I'll work in Our Price, then.

It's all gone.

-Blockbusters.

-Gone.

-Virgin Megastore?

-Gone.

-Where do people get their music?

-iTunes.

-What?

-iTunes.

-What?

-iTunes.

Hey, where's Bejam's?

Gone.

Rumbelows?

Gone.

-Dolcis?

-All gone.

Don't worry, Karen.

Currys is still here.

-Oh, good.

-But it's merged with PC World.

-PC what?

-World.

-PC what?

World.

Oh, here we are. Come on.

-That's the one.

-I've got butterflies, Mam.

Oh, I'm sure he'll be pleased to see you.

You haven't changed a bit.

-Karen?

-Hiya, Barry. Long time no see.

Bloody hell, I've not seen you since...

You got me that job in Koh Tao.

Yeah.

-About that...

-I've got a present for you, Barry.

Yeah, that were a bad idea of mine.

-SPEAKS COD THAI

-You what, love?

That is Thai for "You fucking bastard!"

HE GRUNTS AND GROANS

Just get off me, Karen!

No, not the eyes, I've just had laser surgery!

-You what?

-Laser surgery!

-You what?

Oof! Laser surgery!

I don't know what that is and you know what? I don't fucking care!

Oh!

Aargh!

HE GRUNTS

Yeah, thanks for dropping by, Karen(!)

SHE DOES VOCAL EXERCISES

I bet you get this on every movie you do, Judi,

but it's such an honour working with you.

Oh, I'm just playing pretend.

Actually, the main reason I decided to do this was

so I could work with you.

And it's DAME Judi, by the way.

Can I just check your make-up, Mr Grint?

-What's this?

-It was awful!

Somebody came over and did such terrible damage to your tablet!

-Well, who was it?

-An extra, I think.

I wanted to shout, but I couldn't.

-I was quite afraid.

-Unbelievable.

You know, the same thing happened to Rickman and Cumberbatch.

Yes, that was very unfortunate.

Both on days they were working with you...

Well, I'm sure you're not suggesting it could have been me.

I'm a national treasure,

I would hardly break all your devices

just for the thrill of getting away with it!

HE CHUCKLES

No. No, of course not. Sorry.

-It was an unfortunate accident.

-Yeah. It's backed up.

My laptop was in my trailer, that's got my whole life on it.

-So as long as no-one sets that on fire...!

-Oh, God forbid!

The plume of smoke would be seen for miles around.

Will you tell the director I'll be right back?

-A drink, mein Chancellorette?

-Ja, a large one!

-All of it?

-Ja, ja.

-Bad day?

-Oh, ja.

The bra is coming off, Birgit.

-Ooh, I've been wanting to do that all day.

-You should have done.

And drive them all crazy with lust?

You could have put it on your head and covered your ears

-so you couldn't hear what they were saying.

-Good idea!

-Mm! Another one.

-Phew! You should be blotto.

This is Britain at its very best, Birgit - from a very long way away.

You know, this Nicola Sturgeon was there today,

from the Scottish Nationalist Party.

Grrr! I am hopping, hopping with rage.

-Was she in the suit in the hot beige?

-Ja.

She's definitely usurping my style. The suits, the hair...

She wants to be chic and glamorous, like you.

-She is threatened by my sexiness, no?

-Ja. You are ein total hottie-Frau.

Oh, shush, Birgit.

It's true, Angela. You are a sex kitten.

-You are like a white Beyonce.

-Is this what they are saying, Birgit?

Or a sturdy German Pussycat Doll.

Now, mein Chancellorette, tomorrow in Berlin...

I'm going to have to think about the Sturgeon woman.

She is obsessed with referendums.

There's nothing else to do in Scotland but have referendums.

Ja, it is dark and cold and they probably do it to keep warm, ja?

But why does she have to do it

looking like an Angela Merkel singing tribute lady, huh?

-I'm going to call her.

-Nein, mein Chancellorette.

This is the vodka talking. No, no... Angela!

ANGELA MUTTERS

Oh, it is answerphone. Oh, what a silly little Scottish voice.

Like a clicking...

She doesn't have your honey-coloured tones, mein Chancellorette.

-But if you just give me the phone...

-Nicola! Guten Tag.

Delightful to see you today in such a striking outfit,

very much like my own.

Stop copying me, you horrible little girl!

Everybody knows what you are doing, so just stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

Ha! Right.

SHE CHUCKLES

It's good that I said that to her.

Ja.

Ja, it will clear the air.

-Ja.

-Ja.

Birgit?

Do our intelligence services have a way

of removing an answerphone message once it is made?

Nein.

SHE SIGHS

Scheisse.

-WHISPERED:

-We should wake Howard up. It's time to close.

WHISPERED: He smells disgusting today.

(Eau de Howard. I'll even miss that.

(Let me stamp the last book.

(Here... Why are we still whispering?

(What?)

-Well, there's no need for it any more. Is there?

-You're right.

What are you doing?

Well, I've worn these rubber-soled shoes all of these years to be quiet

and I'm going to my tap class tonight

and I've always wanted to do this.

CLACK

Tidy, tamping, lush

Let it out

What a rush

No reason, prayer or bribery

Could save our poor old library!

-# Hear us scream and hear us shout

-Aargh!

# Stamp us in and stamp us out

# Our arses sacked, no ifs or buts

# By a bunch of Tory cuts!

# VHS, the old format

# Don't need any more of that

# No more Bergerac, The Darling Buds Of May

# In 20 years, no-one will watch you anyway!

# Large print fiction, throw it all away!

# But I'll take that

# 50 Shades Of Grey!

# No more shush or quiet, please

# End of the line for the libraries

# New world's got a digital look

# Kindle killed the library book... #

MUSIC CONTINUES

# No place to rest

# On a rainy day

# Or hide from bullies

# If you're clever or you're gay

# No more room for the elderly

# To read the news for free

# New world's got a digital look

# Kindle killed the library book!

# New world's got a digital look

# Cos Kindle, Amazon, Xbox

# iPlayer, YouTube, Twitter

# And in many ways porn

# Killed the library book! #

HE SINGS IN WELSH

# Oh, Howard, babes

# We will miss your sweet bouquet

# Shakespeare, Shelley and Stephen King

-# Travel section or handcrafts

-Or handcrafts

# Medical emergencies and sexual... Sex, sex, sex

# Politics and nursery rhymes

# Hold on to your libraries

-# Before some horrible twat

-Twattey, twat-twat

# Buys them all and converts them into luxury flats

# Luxury flats! #

SHOUTS IN COD THAI

It's all right, Karen. Your shampoo's safe.

You're with your mum, now.

Mummy...

Yes. Yes.