Episode 3 Tracey Ullman's Show

# When I was small, I used to dance in my mother's bedroom

# Then I grew up and did it again

# And basically I'm still doing the same show

# I did in my mother's bedroom and I'll do it to the bitter end

# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman's Show!

# Tracey Ullman's Show Let's do the show, let's go

# Tracey Ullman's Show!

# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman

# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey

# Tracey Ullman's Show! Let's go. #

This programme contains some strong language.

That's £19.50.

IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT: May I just say how much I enjoyed riding backwards?

-IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Here you are, my good man.

-Cheers.

-"Cheers!"

It's a beautiful language.

It's a beautiful country. I hope it rains later. It's so quaint, wet.

-I am so lagged.

-Yeah, but it's a nice lag, it's a British lag.

Oh, the room is beautiful.

Will you look at this view? Look at this light.

Turner painted in this light.

It's so roomy, Hal. Oh! And look at this rail.

You get in, you get out. It's so thoughtful.

It's a courtesy, I would say. They are a very courteous people.

Paper's thin. But in an elegant sort of way.

Like an after-dinner mint, refined.

-Oh, Hal! Come and look, come and look.

-What?

It's a British pubic hair.

-How do you know it's British?

-Well, it's smaller.

And it's kind of curlier but it's a tighter curl.

It's the breeding.

It's refined, like a short-haired breed.

HE BLOWS Oh! It's gone.

-Come along, you.

-Well, thank you.

It's good, actually, to get that off my...

Well, off my...

Yes, just leave it with me.

Joan?

-Anything interesting?

-No, just a complaint about speed bumps.

I tried to explain my hopes to revolutionise politics

by dismantling the oppressive constraints

of a patriarchal society but...

I didn't think he was concentrating.

-Are there many more?

-Oh, yes.

Quite a few. They're... They're very popular. The...

-Uh, the surgeries, I mean.

-Who's next?

-OK, we've got Mrs Markham.

-A noise complaint.

-Thank you, Joan. Show her in.

-Mrs Markham?

Ah, Mrs Markham. I'm Sally Preston, your new MP.

I'm delighted to meet you.

They tell me that you have an ongoing issue with antisocial behaviour.

Yes, it's my neighbour but one.

I've spoken about him to the Council on several occasions

but they say they can't...

-You're not wearing a top.

-No. No, I'm not.

-What happened?

-Nothing. I... I don't wear tops.

-Because of a rash?

-No, because of politics.

-Oh, won't they let you wear tops in politics now?

-No.

-My personal politics don't allow me to cover my breasts.

-Oh, right.

-I burnt my bra.

-Oh, in the '60s?

No, Tuesday.

Cooking.

Right, well, let's get back to this noise issue, shall we?

-So, let me just take down some...

-You've picked up a pen.

-Yes, I know, I'm going to make some notes.

-No!

You've...picked up a pen.

Oh. Thank you.

What about a thin cotton slip?

-Oh, that would be contrary to party manifesto.

-It's on the leaflet.

-Exactly.

-No. It's on the leaflet.

Oh.

Right. Um...

Look, why don't you just leave your address details with my assistant

and I'll make sure that I chase up the noise problem

with the relevant department, OK? Uh, Joan?

We've got Mr Corbett next.

-Says it's a philosophical matter.

-Right.

Oh, and, Joan, if some talc were to turn up,

it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Right. Mr Corbett?

Ah. Now, Mr Corbett. How can I help you with...?

SHE GASPS Oh, my God!

-It's a political statement.

-Uh, no, it's not. Uh, Joan? Joan?

Good evening, I'm Dame Maggie Smith and I'm demonstrating my versatility,

which I do not believe the world has yet appreciated.

Today, I'm showing off my motion capture character chops.

Hence the garb.

I shall start with a comic book superhero.

"Yes, I am trying to clean up the city

"and if I have to break a few skulls to do it, I will.

"Even if it is a complete palaver, darling."

There. That was a Batman or a Daredevil.

Well, they're all the same, you may as well be honest about it.

The Hulk's a little different.

Because he's green.

I can also do animals.

Here is my ape with a franchise titled Planet Of The Above.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

"It's the taste."

Thank you.

You're too kind.

Oh, may I mention I can also catch a gun in midair

and shoot it before I hit the ground?

Most probably.

Have you got your ticket?

Yes, we've got ours.

Always makes me think I'm at the delicatessen counter at Sainsbury's.

Doesn't it, Mum? I always say to the nurse, don't I, Mum?

I say, "Two Scotch eggs, please!"

SHE LAUGHS

I don't think this nurse speaks much English, so...

Hmm.

-What number are you?

-Uh, 103.

Oh, that's mother's age. Oh!

You've done very well, haven't you? You must have been up with the lark.

We can't use our bus passes before 9:30 so we're number 142.

Yeah, that's our best number so far, isn't it, Mum? Hmm.

And we've got chairs this time and everything,

so it must be our lucky day, huh?

Hmm.

-Do you come here often?

-No.

We do. Mother's having some tests.

Having her blood taken.

They must like your blood, mustn't they, Mum?

SHE LAUGHS

They lost the last lot so we've had to come back.

-But we don't mind, it's like a home from home here for us, isn't it?

-Hmm.

Oh, there's your doctor, Mum. Look, oh! He's a nice young man, isn't he?

He's a smashing young man.

I'm afraid there's been a bit of a hold-up,

we're three hours behind, but we will get to you eventually.

Don't worry about us, Doctor. No, we're making a day of it.

We've got sandwiches and everything.

I just need you to fill in this form.

Details here, pain score there

and mark any piercings on this diagram here.

-Thank you.

-Oh, yes. Thank you, Doctor. Yes, Doctor.

Oh!

-Well, she's got to have a procedure.

-What did the doctor say?

-Oh, I think he said...mark where it hurts.

-Oh.

So, that's pretty much everywhere, isn't it, Mummy?

Um, there, huh?

There. And your new knees.

And your new hips.

-Oh, and here.

-Ah.

-Yes, looks about right.

-That's fine.

-Hmm.

IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT: Listen to these names, Hal. Lara, Alexa.

They're kind of classy, don't you think?

Debbie. "Student masseuse. Uniforms, toys, A & O-levels."

Education is very important in this country. All those old schools.

Yeah, and look at this implant. It's a British implant, it's more natural.

Look at this dame. There's something in her eye.

It's like she's looking right at you. It's a kind of dignity.

Like Helen Mirren.

-No American woman can get her tatas out like Helen Mirren.

-Oh, no.

That is one beautiful British rack.

And the smell in here, what is it?

It's like a... SHE SNIFFS

Sandalwood, it's a...

It's a woodsy smell, like mushrooms or...

I think it's pee.

Yeah, I think it's pee.

Well, it just takes you back to your childhood and it's very playful.

A little pussy cat. I just think that cats are great fun.

And this I make simply by sticking my fingers in some paint

and picking up the mug and there you go.

Job done. That is literally handmade.

Wow!

-Ooh, £100.

-Yes, but it is particularly playful.

So, where do you get your ideas?

Well, I try to think back to being a three-year-old child.

And think, "What did I like?"

I liked cats, I liked anything pink, I liked chocolate, playful things.

And then if that little girl had a multinational company,

what sort of company would it be?

We've a creative session now. Would you like to come and observe?

So...

what do we think?

Uh, £60.

Ah. Now come on now, Hannah.

Don't block yourself, there are no bad ideas here.

And it is very playful.

-£70.

-160 quid.

Excellent work, Damian. Now, what about this?

Oh, um, £50.

£60. £70, £80.

Good work, Hannah. Much, much better.

Much better.

And, did I hear something about

you relocating to Luxembourg?

Oh, you'd have to ask the business gods about that.

I'm just interested in the fun side of things, the creative,

-the playfulness.

-Because I'm sure...

-Um, I think it's something like,

and I'll probably get this completely wrong but I think it's something like

if we relocate to Luxembourg,

then we don't have to pay corporation taxes on any sales in the EU

apart from Luxembourg, which is only 0.1% of the market.

Or something like that.

Oh, and this is my Happy range.

This is "Tea makes me happy".

-"Eggs makes me happy."

-And do eggs make you happy?

-I don't eat eggs, I'm on a no-cholesterol diet.

-Right.

Um, and just finally, why do you think you've been so successful?

I think it's cos it's fun and it's playful and people want to

spend about 30 quid on a present and they don't really care what it is.

Yeah, Anini was on Dior?

Yeah, I'm not surprised. Leoli's too fat.

I told her in Milan, I said, "If you want to do Runway,

"you can't just be thin, you've got to be abandoned donkey thin."

Tatiana, I'll call you back. Um, can somebody stop this thing?

Does anybody know how to stop this thing?

Yeah, I've just seen the most amazing girl. Uh, can you get out of my way?

I run Isis.

Not that one!

Um...

Oh! Steph Walsh, Isis. The model agency, not the, you know...

I had the name first. Oh, my God, you're gorgeous.

I can see your clavicles, it's amazing.

And I bet I could play xylophone on your ribs.

Oh, you're tall, you're tall too.

I can practically see your sinuses and I'm wearing heels.

-How old are you, sweetheart?

-19.

-Liar.

-I am.

ID, I need to see some ID. Well... Oh, you can drive!

Well, I can't take anyone over 16.

You really shouldn't waste people's time like this, you know.

You should know that at your age!

Oh! Aggressive.

SHE TUTS

SIRENS WAIL ON SCREEN

You came through the fire escape? Out.

I don't know what you mean.

-Where's your ticket, then?

-Oh. Well, I seem to have misplaced it.

I'd hardly sneak in.

I'm Dame Judi Dench, I'm a national treasure.

-Yeah, right. Out.

-No, I'll show you.

-Um, give me your torch, please.

-No.

Just give me your torch, you little...

Oh, my God, you are Judi Dench!

Yes, and I'm here because it's so important to follow

what the young actors are doing.

Such beautiful, nuanced performances.

That's why I've come to see Fast And Furious 7.

Well, it's an honour to have you in our cinema.

-Can I tell you a secret?

-Yes.

I think you're much better than Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep.

Ah, I think we both know that's not true!

SHE LAUGHS

Could you ask this lady in front to move?

If I knew a man in the pub who was running off copies

for the market, he'd probably say,

"Make sure you don't get anyone's head in the way this time."

But I don't do things like that for kicks just because I can!

I'm a national treasure.

Sorry, Miss?

-You're going to have to move.

-I booked this seat.

That's Judi Dench.

Oh.

-Thank you so much. Now go and get me a blue slushy.

-Sure.

These are our chickens.

Some people say, "Why have you got chickens in the zoo? They're boring.

"I want my money back."

Well, some people say that.

When they get back to their car at the end of the day,

they find it covered in elephant shit.

Come here, you! Come here, you. Yeah!

Ah! This is an enterprise zone.

You'd be better off with the mums and the retireds

over there, love, all right?

Hey, Christina.

Got an important meeting so bring your A game and two lattes.

-IN A FOREIGN ACCENT:

-We don't work for you,

-you are customer in our shop.

-Yeah, yeah, no time to discuss

all the niceties. Ah!

Hey, are you the app guy?

-Yes, the one and only. So you found us OK?

-Yeah.

-Yep.

Welcome to Disruptasaur.

10 Park Place. Kind of assumed it would be more...

-An office?

-Yeah.

-I'm post-office.

Yeah, I mean, I don't mean I'm a post office.

No, I mean I'm in a flexi third space zone with Wi-Fi

and it's ideal for the app creator.

Go around the lead, love. Go round, I'm on 9% here. Go round.

-Yeah.

-What have you got?

-It's shit hot. You know Shazam?

-Mm-hm.

You hear a song, you want to know what the song is? Shazam tells you.

-Yeah, I know it.

-Yeah, well, this is like Shazam but for the weather.

So, you hold it up to the sky

and it tells you what the weather is like right now.

-There it is, boom! It is overcast.

-Right.

-Well, then it will tell you what the weather is going to do later?

-Uh...

No, no, because you wouldn't need to do that,

you can just check with the apps.

So, we have a deal?

-It's...

-Well, I've got lots more, I've got lots more.

I've got AirScissors, borrow scissors in a foreign country.

There's Share My Plank.

That's Uber for a skateboard.

-Well, it was nice to meet you anyway.

-All right.

-Is it because I'm a man?

-What?

Yeah, well, you know, because the company I used to work for,

which I don't miss at all, by the way, they're sort of promoting women.

More women and women

until there was like, women were getting, like, 30% of the jobs.

-Another time, then.

-Yeah.

God.

Ah, that's more of a pine cone than a leaf, Jose! 4 out of 10.

Any more of this and I'm moving premises

cos I tell you now, Starbucks want me.

They do.

Are you sure I can't tempt you to a tongue sandwich?

-No, thank you.

-Suit yourself.

I would offer you a Gypsy cream but Mother ate both of them

and pretended she hadn't realised.

Well, I've got a coffee from Costa so that'll keep me going.

We did look round Costa. Hmm.

We didn't buy anything, it was far too expensive.

-But we browsed, didn't we, Mum?

-Hmm.

-Hmm.

I was actually born in there, as a matter of fact.

Not in Costa. It was the maternity ward but it's closed down now.

Do you remember when you had me, Mum?

Oh.

Oh, she's still a bit cross with me about that

because things haven't been right in the downstairs department since then.

-Number 36?

-Oh, that's made me jump.

Ah! We're getting closer.

Not long now.

-Hal, Hal, Hal.

-Huh?

-Come and look at this, come and look at this.

Tell me what you see.

-A dog poop.

-A dog poop, yes. But look where we are. Look where we are!

Oh, my! Isn't that where she lives?

It's a little corgi turd.

-You think?

-Look at it, it's beautiful.

Look at the regal peak, it's almost a crown.

-She didn't pick up, she doesn't have to.

-You're right.

It's enshrined in British law.

By royal arrangement, these corgis, they can poop wherever they want.

Harrods. Anybody's house.

Choose a subject's house at random, take them inside

and they would be allowed, by law, to make a doody on the rug.

It's in the Magna Carta.

They carry no money, they carry no poop sack, it's the same principle.

-Oh, honey. You trying...?

-Ah!

Oh, my God! Geez, you trod in it.

-Oh, God! No, no, no.

-Get it off!

Yeah, get it off but you've got to

get between the ridges with a stick.

-Oh! That's horrible.

-That stinks.

-Oh, that stinks, that's not corgi.

-That's some regular Joe German Shepherd shit.

-Yeah.

They should pick up. Eugh!

And breathe in deeply. RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS

And out.

And remember to keep breathing deeply all the way

through your treatment or you'll be brain-dead within four minutes.

We don't want that, do we?

THEY MOUTH

And think of dolphins.

Yeah, Tatiana. How's the new intern doing?

What do you mean she's in the toilet all day? What's she doing?

Is she bulimic?

Oh, I love her. Let's start paying her!

Oh, cystitis? Eugh! How '90s. Hmm.

Oh, Tatiana, got to go.

Stop the cab, stop the cab, stop the cab!

Drive! Drive.

Don't look alarmed, I'm from Isis.

But don't worry, I'm not going to make you a jihadi bride.

-I know Isis.

-We're a modelling agency, hash tag #IamIsis.

-I know.

-You know, you've heard of us?

-Yes!

-Oh.

Why can't they all be like you? Breathtaking, skeletal and bright.

Did you go to public school? Oh, I do hope so.

Working-class parents care.

Posh people let their children do whatever they want. Look at Cara.

I'm with Cyclone. New Faces?

-You're already signed?

-My agent's Giselle O'Hara.

-Snotty O'Hara?

So off her tits at McQueen that she fell into an artificial fire

-and exposed her Spanx? Are you happy with that?

-She's lovely.

-Yeah.

They said Rose West was lovely.

-Oh, get out.

-Can you stop the cab?

-No, no, were on a red route.

-Get out.

-Ah!

Drive, drive!

God, you're not going to charge me for that stop, I hope!

How dare that woman show her face in Chipping Norton.

-What woman?

-Rebekah Brooks.

She's back working for Rupert Murdoch, you know.

You'd think she'd have the decency to move to Australia or Fallujah.

Well, she was acquitted, Lucinda, like Amanda Knox or OJ Simpson.

Jessamine!

Jessamine, let it go!

Jessamine, come away!

That's my apple.

-There you are.

-Thank you.

You're getting very pretty, Jessamine.

Tell your mummy you can be a page-three girl in a couple of years.

Mummy, the witch says I can be a page-three girl!

-BIKE BELL RINGS

-Look out!

-SHE GASPS

-There she is. That's her!

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

# Whoa!

# I used to be feared by everyone

# First female editor of The Sun

# But now, no-one calls or texts or gives a damn

# Career was all over in an Instagram

-ALL:

-# Rebekah!

# Rebekah kah-kah-kah

# Rebekah!

# Kah-kah-kah-kah!

# Where were Sam and David Cameron?

# First sign of trouble and, man, they're gone!

# I prayed someone somewhere would care

# But the only one that calls me now is Tony f-----g Blair... #

MOBILE RINGS And Jeremy Clarkson. Loser.

# You can name me, you can shame me

# But legally I'm sorry, you can't blame me

# Watch what you say I'll be back some day

# Stronger, harder, bigger, bolder

# Better keep looking over your shoulder

# Whoo! Whoohoo! DOGS BARK

# Whoo! Whoohoo! Whoo! Whoohoo!

# You can take away my jet my husband stud

# You can drag my body through the mud

# It's not right, it's not fair

# I'm still here but I want to be there

# Back in the game, back on top I'm the unstoppable you can't stop

# Oh, no!

# Don't cry for me, Chipping Norton!

# I've called on the forces of mystery

# To restore my ass to history

# The people want to hang me from the highest tree

# But because I was the boss it doesn't mean I'm guilty!

# Wah, wah, wah, wah

# Wah, wah, wah, wow! #

ECHO: Wah, wah, wah, wow...

-Climb on, Rebekah. Rupert Murdoch sent me.

-I knew he'd save me again!

# You can name me you can shame me!

# But legally I'm sorry, you can't blame me

# Watch what you say cos I'm back today

# Stronger, harder, bigger, bolder

# Better keep looking over your shoulder! #

Yeah, it's Rebekah with a K and I'm back. You can't get rid of me.

Like cockroaches, herpes and Piers Morgan!

SHE CACKLES

They did actually call our number.

It was ever so exciting, like winning the lottery.

But then it turned out that we hadn't filled the form in properly

so we had to take another ticket.

286 this time.

I think that's our lucky number, right, Mum?

Do you know what I said when I took it?

I... I don't know.

Two Scotch eggs, please!

Ah! I could murder a Scotch egg.

Couldn't you, Mother?

Oh, I'm ever so peckish.

We finished our sandwiches ages ago.

I'm afraid your doctor's gone home

but I'll be seeing you after you've had your blood test done.

Oh! Thank you, Doctor.

You're right, Mother. We're going to miss the last bus.

I should have driven. We do have a car, but we never use it because...

I got a parking place right outside the house in 1988

and we haven't wanted to lose our spot.

-What?

-They'll be disappointed!

SHE LAUGHS Yes.

This is Mother's little joke.

She always said that when the terrorists get rewarded

with their 72 virgins,

They'll be terribly disappointed

if I'm one of them.

-Ah, yes.

-Yeah, she's very amusing, Mum.

-Number 171?

Oh, good luck.

Don't worry about us, yes.

We're making a day of it, aren't we, Mum?

Oh, we're having a lovely time talking to all these nice people.

We might come back tomorrow just for the fun of it.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh. Look at the small buttons on the remote, it's such a delicate item.

-So beautiful.

-The same one as in my den.

No, this is half the size.

MOANING ON SCREEN

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

-What?

Honey, look.

They have their own porn! Even the porn is different.

That's right, look.

-He's not circumcised.

-Hal, you're right.

-Not everybody here is.

-Look at the line of it. Oh, it's beautiful.

-It's like an E-Type Drag.

-So British.

-MAN ON TELEVISION:

-'Schnell! Schnell!

'Ich komme! Ich komme!'

-Oh.

-Oh.

Some things they must buy in.