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Coming soon to BBC One, the latest in our documentary series, | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
Why On Earth Would I Want To Watch That? | 0:00:05 | 0:00:07 | |
When I first started working at the mortuary, | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
I thought, "I just can't do this." | 0:00:10 | 0:00:13 | |
It eats away at your soul every day. | 0:00:13 | 0:00:16 | |
And it's been like that for nigh on 30 years. | 0:00:16 | 0:00:20 | |
Oh, God. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
That's Winter at the Morgue, later on BBC One. | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
# When I was small, I used to dance in my mother's bedroom | 0:00:26 | 0:00:30 | |
# Then I grew up and did it again | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
# And, basically, I'm still doing the same show | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
# I did in my mother's bedroom | 0:00:35 | 0:00:37 | |
# And I'll do it till the bitter end | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show | 0:00:39 | 0:00:44 | |
# Tracey Ullman's Show | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
# Let's do the show, let's go | 0:00:46 | 0:00:47 | |
# Tracey Ullman's Show | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
# Tracey Ullman | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
# Tracey Ullman | 0:00:52 | 0:00:53 | |
# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey | 0:00:53 | 0:00:57 | |
# Tracey Ullman's Show | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
# Let's go. # | 0:00:59 | 0:01:00 | |
This programme contains some strong language | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
Right, Charlotte, you young filly. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
Mummy and Daddy are skiing in the bally Caribbean or something, | 0:01:07 | 0:01:11 | |
so looks like it's just you and me for the day. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
Do you vape? | 0:01:14 | 0:01:15 | |
No, no. I don't blame you. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
It's not a patch on the real thing. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:01:24 | 0:01:25 | |
I'm not good with girls. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
I much prefer boys. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
Boys are like dogs - they just need food and exercise. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:36 | |
Girls are a bloody nightmare. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:39 | |
-Dollies. -Dollies? | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
Oh. Oh, all right. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Well, let's get all your dollies, shall we? | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
And, erm... | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
we can shoot them off the fence. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
-DOLL: -Oh! -Yes. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
Hi, a latte to go, please. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
Sure thing, sir. Name on cup? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
-David. -David. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
-Shoe size? -Sorry? | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
Yeah, can I get your shoe size, David? | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
-Er, 12. -12, OK. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
First album you bought? | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
Er... B-B-Barry Manilow. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:12 | |
Name of your best lover? | 0:02:14 | 0:02:15 | |
-What? -Best lover, sir. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
Best in the sack. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:18 | |
For God's sake. Er... | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
-Samantha. -Samantha. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:21 | |
-OK. And why? -Why? | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
Yeah. Why would you say Samantha was the best? | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
Look, I'd really rather not, if that's... | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
-This is rush hour, sir. -Right. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
Tender. She was very tender. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
Great. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:35 | |
And your least favourite kind of deciduous tree? | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
Look, I've had enough. Can I just have my coffee? | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
We have a lot of customers, sir. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:42 | |
You know, I could just say, "David with a shoe size 12 | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
"who bought Barry Manilow for his first album | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
"and thought Samantha was his best lover | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
-"because of her tenderness, but..." -That's me. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
-See? -Blimey! | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
OK. I suppose my least favourite deciduous tree is the elm. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:59 | |
OK. Elm. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:00 | |
All right, sir. Your flat white will be right up. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
-It was a latte. -It was a latte? | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
Ah. It's the wrong sized cup. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
We have to start again. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:09 | |
Right. Name on cup? | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
# Here's the story of a Texan beauty | 0:03:12 | 0:03:16 | |
# Who had snagged the finest mogul in the land | 0:03:16 | 0:03:21 | |
# She had legs just like a racehorse | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
# He's in his 80s and a very horny man. # | 0:03:24 | 0:03:28 | |
Hey, kids! Because we have so many new members of our blended family, | 0:03:28 | 0:03:33 | |
your daddy/stepdaddy and I thought, | 0:03:33 | 0:03:37 | |
"Hey, let's get everyone together for a family photo!" | 0:03:37 | 0:03:41 | |
Oh, Rupes! | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
I'm not sure about these trousers, Jerry. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
My balls are sweating like mozzarella in a bag. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
Oh, you look great! | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
Look at that tight little tushie. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
You're such a hipster. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
We're going to have to get you a tattoo. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
Yeah! Little pic of you with your puppies out. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
-The photographer's here! -Jerry? | 0:04:02 | 0:04:05 | |
Hey, Dean. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
Oi! Get your sticky mitts off her. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
Nobody touches my bird. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
Oh, Rupert. This is my great friend, Dean. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
Ah! | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
Well in that case, pleased to meet you. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
Any friend of Jerry's is a friend of mine. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
Have him followed. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
OK, y'all. Let's all set up for the photo. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
Come and sit on my knee, sweetie. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
Not you bunch of sad sacks, I meant Jerry! | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
Christ, I can't even get a semi in these strides. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
Now, everybody sit in order of importance. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
-Piss off, James. -I'm not going at the back! | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
Stop pushing, you ugly cow! | 0:04:42 | 0:04:43 | |
Hey, kids! | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
Quit that, or somebody's going to get smacked. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
Or disinherited. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
-All ready? -We are family! | 0:04:51 | 0:04:54 | |
ALL: We are family! | 0:04:54 | 0:04:57 | |
I need you all to look a little more cheerful. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
Think about what makes you happy. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
ALL: Money! | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
-Dad dying. -Who said that? | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
MONITOR BEEPS | 0:05:09 | 0:05:11 | |
Oh, I'm slipping away now. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
It's OK. I've had a wonderful life. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:18 | |
I only have one regret. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
Oh, but, Mum, you shouldn't... | 0:05:20 | 0:05:22 | |
I wish I'd watched more structured reality shows. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:25 | |
Geordie Shore, Made In Chelsea, Towie, but no... | 0:05:27 | 0:05:33 | |
I wasted so much time starting a charity for homeless children. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:37 | |
What a fool I was. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
Have I got time to watch Cake Boss? | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
It's on in five minutes. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
I think just about. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
It won't be long now. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:48 | |
Yes, bull's-eye! | 0:05:53 | 0:05:54 | |
Right. Got to go, some ruddy charity nonsense. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:59 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:05:59 | 0:06:00 | |
CHARLOTTE CRIES | 0:06:02 | 0:06:03 | |
All right. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
Well, you can come along too, then. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
Giddy-up! | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
Of course, I get all the crappy charities, too. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
Diana got land mines. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
What do I get? Chiropodists. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
Mind you, when my toenails grew through my welly boot, | 0:06:19 | 0:06:23 | |
I did get free treatment | 0:06:23 | 0:06:24 | |
and you can't argue with that, can you, Charlotte? | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
Charlotte? | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
Oh! | 0:06:36 | 0:06:37 | |
Better get you in the car | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
or the health and safety nuts will be after me. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
She's heading to the beer garden. Marcus, have you got a clear shot? | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
If I need one, yeah. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:50 | |
Lydia, can you make the drop? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
-I'll try. -'Trying's not good enough.' | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
Do you want to sleep at night? | 0:06:54 | 0:06:55 | |
'Do it.' | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
Tracking device positioned. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:58 | |
She's paying for the drinks with a TSB debit. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
It was used three weeks ago in Portugal. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
Find the hotel, search it. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:03 | |
Check every transaction she's made in the last six months. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
Quite a big team on this one, Carla. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
Who are we watching? | 0:07:08 | 0:07:09 | |
-Well, if you have to ask... -Yes, I do. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
A female. A UK national. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
And she's your son's new girlfriend, isn't she? | 0:07:14 | 0:07:16 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:16 | 0:07:18 | |
Is she actually a security risk? | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
If I say she is, then she is, and I say she is. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
-I have a strand of her hair. -Great, DNA the bitch! | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
Carla! How old is your Timothy now? | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
-22. -So he's old enough to make his own choices, isn't he? | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
-Well... -Which might mean sometimes making some of his own mistakes. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:35 | |
Not that this woman appears to have ever done anything wrong. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
Well, we can't say that for sure yet. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
Why don't we gently stand everyone down? | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
Before the minister rings and asks | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
why we've got 22 highly trained agents | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
tracking a dental nurse from King's Lynn. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
Is she from King's Lynn? She's from King's Lynn. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
-Search King's Lynn! -Carla! | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
All right. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:53 | |
Maybe this is inappropriate use of resources. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:57 | |
I'll reassign the team... | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
once we have some better intel. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:00 | |
All right, now, now. I'll do it now. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
Good lass. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
Code 12, code 12, go, go, go, go! | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
'Call Brize Norton. Tell them to warm up the jet.' | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
Somebody just won a trip to Cuba. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
Mum! | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
I'm Dame Maggie Smith, and this is my vlog, | 0:08:28 | 0:08:32 | |
which I believe is short for "venerable lady offers guidance". | 0:08:32 | 0:08:36 | |
Today, I'm giving you my tried-and-tested make-up tips. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:43 | |
My first tip is to become a double Oscar-winning actress and then | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
you can just sit in a chair while a darling homosexual | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
called Frederico works miracles. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
But that isn't possible for everyone, apparently. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:56 | |
So, brummymermaid74... | 0:08:56 | 0:09:00 | |
That's a ridiculous name. Were your parents on the sherry? | 0:09:00 | 0:09:03 | |
..says, "How do I get a smoky eye?" | 0:09:03 | 0:09:06 | |
Well, the answer is you spend an evening with Ollie Reed | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
and Richard Harris in 1971. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
Smoky eye, smoky tongue, smoky every nook and cranny, dear. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:17 | |
Goonersforeverhelen says, "I want to look like Kim Kardashian..." | 0:09:17 | 0:09:23 | |
And that's as much of your letter as I am going to read | 0:09:23 | 0:09:28 | |
before setting light to it. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
And finally, iheartmattdamon says, | 0:09:31 | 0:09:36 | |
"It takes me ages to take off my make-up every night. What can I do?" | 0:09:36 | 0:09:41 | |
Well, get married, dear, | 0:09:42 | 0:09:43 | |
and you won't have to bother putting it on in the first place. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:47 | |
Well, at least for those two years before the divorce. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
Do you know what I'm having for my lunch? | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
I've gone paleo, so I'm eating meat and plants. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
The full hunter-gatherer. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
You do know the average life span of a caveman was 32? | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
There's no right or wrong way to do mindfulness, | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
so don't be worrying about being bad at it. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:16 | |
Ignore that ever-present fear | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
that's stopping you from doing so much in life. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
BABY CRIES | 0:10:21 | 0:10:22 | |
And that is the relaxing sound of a baby | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
that's come out of its nap a bit early. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:31 | |
The sound of a baby crying is so very soothing, | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
as has been agreed by scientists. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
I'm introducing some new aromas to the room. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:41 | |
There's a...yellow aroma, and some brown aromas, | 0:10:41 | 0:10:47 | |
very brown, and very... | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
..runny. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:52 | |
Oh! | 0:10:56 | 0:10:57 | |
Just applying a pressure pack. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
Right. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
And use a circular motion with some light pummelling. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:16 | |
Yes. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:17 | |
And... Oh. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
Just sprinkling some scented water on you. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:23 | |
Quite a long sprinkle. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:24 | |
This treatment is complimentary, by the way. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
Bernice, I have some TV Bafta congratulations cards | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
-for your personalise. -Yeah, fire away, Sherry. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
OK. Graham Norton. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:37 | |
-Love. -Jonathan Ross. | 0:11:37 | 0:11:39 | |
No love! | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Tony Hall, BBC director-general. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
With sympathy. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:45 | |
Oh, your 3pm is here. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:48 | |
Graham Pikestaff about the co-production. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
Sherry, go, go. Go away, you're daunting me. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
How nice to meet you! | 0:11:53 | 0:11:54 | |
Bernice, I'm so glad we could meet before you return to New York. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
Yeah, yeah. I love the BBC, oh, my God. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
Oh, my God, such class, you know? Would you like a finger sandwich? | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
No, no, fine, thank you. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:04 | |
No. Your accent is gorgeous! | 0:12:04 | 0:12:05 | |
-Thank you. -Yeah, I love you BBC boys. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
Did you go to that Oxbridge school? | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
-Er, well, yes. -Yeah, yeah, I knew it! | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
You all go there, right? | 0:12:13 | 0:12:14 | |
Yeah. Did you all, like, hang out in the rec room and say, | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
"Hey, you can run the news, you can do the...", you know? | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
I'm so glad you're interested in a co-production project, | 0:12:20 | 0:12:24 | |
Miss Rubin. I've been developing the Vasco da Gama story for many years. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:29 | |
It's tragic that such a great explorer should go uncelebrated. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
Yeah. Graham, I've got to stop you there, | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
cos I've got to tell you something. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:35 | |
The script, you know, the stuff on the boat? It's boring! | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
Yeah. You know, let's get Julian Fellowes, you know the Downton guy? | 0:12:39 | 0:12:43 | |
We'll get him to punch it up, | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
put in a little below-decks action with a galley girl. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
-We could look into that. -OK, OK. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
Eat! Eat! | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
-Oh. -Please, please. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:53 | |
Come on, you guys, I know you don't got expenses, | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
it's tough times at your Auntie Beeb, right? | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
You know, I mean, I watch that Bake Off show, | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
you're always getting that old blonde broad to do her own shopping. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
-Is it Mary Berry? -Mary Berry. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
All the time with the schlepping and the chopping | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
and the close-ups of the hands. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
That's unappetising, you know? | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
It's unsanitary, it's unappetising. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
We want to do that show in the States, yeah. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
We're going to get an old hostess, too. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
-Really? -Brooke Shields. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
-She's not that old, is she? -Oh, trust me, | 0:13:20 | 0:13:22 | |
in America, Graham, she's considered a real mercy hump. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
It's not really my department. I develop drama. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
Could I just clarify, Bernice, | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
you want to co-finance my drama project, | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
but Vasco da Gama needs a love interest on board? | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
Yeah. You want Julian Fellowes to rewrite the script... | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
Yeah! And I want the Mrs Brown format for Caitlyn Jenner, | 0:13:37 | 0:13:41 | |
because transgender is huge right now. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
Brendan O'Carroll? | 0:13:44 | 0:13:45 | |
No, he's not transgender. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
What? I think you're missing a trick there, Graham. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
I mean, he may just be waiting for somebody to pay for the surgery | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
and film it. You can only ask! | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
You could get a deal with your NHS. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
Well, it's been very good to meet you. | 0:13:57 | 0:14:00 | |
Here, take this back to the office. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:01 | |
I know you guys are hungry back there. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
-Sherry, Sherry, bring a doggy bag. -Please, I'm fine. -Here you go. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:06 | |
No, you can do me a favour. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:07 | |
-Really? -I want two tickets for Wimbledon. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
Wimbledon? No. That's not my department, either. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
Well, talk to your friend from Oxbridge in the sports department. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
I want two seats in the royal box with tushie pads for men's final | 0:14:16 | 0:14:20 | |
or any of the Russian girls. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
My husband, he loves to hear those shiksas squeal! | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
Aah! Ooh! Ahh! | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
I'm really sorry, Bernice, I can't. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
Sherry, put 'em in the doggy bag, | 0:14:32 | 0:14:33 | |
save it for my meeting at four with Cliff Richard? | 0:14:33 | 0:14:36 | |
Yeah. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:37 | |
Asshole. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:40 | |
And this is our psychiatric ward. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
Oh. Can you smoke in here? | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
-I'm afraid not. -Well, no wonder they're all going mad! | 0:14:47 | 0:14:51 | |
This is one of our patients. This is Mr Hollis. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
Hello. You're a bit crackers, are you? | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
-Well, I... -I tell you what really helps - a good, strong gin. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:59 | |
I'd be climbing the walls if I didn't have one of those | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
-at 11am everyday. It's medicinal. -Could we offer you a tea, maybe? | 0:15:02 | 0:15:05 | |
-Or a coffee? -No, not for me. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
-Some water? -I can't drink water. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
Fish fuck in it! That's what I always say. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
Oh, I'll take some of these, though. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:15 | |
The horses bloody love them! | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
This way. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
This is our geriatric ward. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:24 | |
Well, what are they all doing in here? | 0:15:24 | 0:15:27 | |
They should be at home! | 0:15:27 | 0:15:28 | |
Well, some of them aren't able to look after themselves, so... | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
Can't their butlers do it? | 0:15:31 | 0:15:32 | |
Some of them don't have butlers. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
Oh, look at you. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
You're lame. You've probably got a stone in your hoof or something. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:41 | |
Got my hoof pick with me, never without it. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
Let me just lift your fetlock. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
Right. No. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
Nothing in there. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
If you were a horse, they'd just take you out and shoot you. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
That's it. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:53 | |
SHE CLICKS On you go. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
Right! Well, I must crack on, | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
I've got to open an underground car park in Wolverhampton. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:02 | |
-Oh! -Oh, that's not mine! | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
I thought my bag was a bit heavy! | 0:16:04 | 0:16:07 | |
Well, I don't want to be taking that with me, | 0:16:07 | 0:16:08 | |
although Charles swears that it's very, very good for the veggies, | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
though he might be taking the piss. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
Goodbye. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:16 | |
BELLS CHIME | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
Oh, I can't thank you enough for asking me to be Ella's godmother. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
It means so much to me! | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
It's our pleasure. Thanks for the baby-sitting, you know, | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
walking around the park and everything. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
Hey now, what our neighbours for? | 0:16:30 | 0:16:31 | |
No, seriously. Couldn't have done it without you. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:34 | |
Do you know, I've never been asked to be anyone's godmother before, | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
and as a Christian, I've always wondered... | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
-Oh, dear. -Told you she was. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
-Yes, all right. -Is there a problem? | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
Erm... | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
Thing is, we kind of weren't looking at this as a religious thing. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:50 | |
But it is. You've asked me to be her godmother. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
Yeah, but...it doesn't actually mean anything, does it? | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
I mean, it's just a word, isn't it? | 0:16:56 | 0:16:57 | |
-We're in a church. -Well, nobody here's a Christian. | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
Oh, I think you'll find they are. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
Really? | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
You're not a Christian, are you? | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
Well, yes. Yes, I am. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
Why don't we go for a naming ceremony in the wood, | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
-like Sarah and Zach did? -Yeah. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
-Lucky escape. -Yeah. Bunch of nutters. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:18 | |
And so, this is the main hub of Think Works. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
Everything you'd expect from a flexible start-up incubator. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
Yeah, in English, please, love. I don't speak hipster twat. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
It's a shared office for small companies. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
Right, well, good deskage, you know. Breakout spaces, | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
places where you can break out from the breakout spaces, | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
which is important for me, because I always go the extra mile. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
And most of all, it's not a coffee shop. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
I do believe I have died and gone to heaven. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
What sort of business do you run, Dominic? | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
I make apps, Disruptasaur, you've probably heard of us. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:56 | |
Wine Sharer, that's one of mine. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:57 | |
You're in a restaurant, you want some wine, but not a bottle, | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
the next table's the same - boom! | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
-Wine Sharer. -Sounds...innovative. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
Yeah, I can plug this in, right? I'm on 7%. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
Um... | 0:18:06 | 0:18:07 | |
While I'm at it, I might just give the phone some juice. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
And the shaver. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
And the toothbrush. Not that I'm living in my car. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
Well, if that is the quality of the talent around here, then I am sold. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:21 | |
That's Melissa. She runs a women's advocacy portal. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:24 | |
Aaaargh! | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
Get her away from me! | 0:18:27 | 0:18:28 | |
Zzz! Zzz! Zzz! Zzz! | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
Psycho alert! Psycho alert! | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
I'm a very bad white male | 0:18:32 | 0:18:33 | |
and I apologise for everything, everywhere. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
Actually, I think she's an inspiration. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
Well, we're going to have to agree to disagree. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
So, what's the damage on this place? | 0:18:40 | 0:18:42 | |
That's per year, yeah? | 0:18:45 | 0:18:46 | |
Per month, plus VAT. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:49 | |
Right. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:50 | |
But it'll pay for itself, right? This is a great environment, yeah? | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
So more apps and more success. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
Well, that a decision you have to make. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:58 | |
But, er... | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
Say you inherited six grand from your mum. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
This is the best use of that money, right? | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
I'm not allowed to give financial advice. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
Please, just tell me it'll pay for itself, cos I... | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
I can't go back to the coffee shop. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
You know, I can't take the looks from the staff | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
and the screaming kids, | 0:19:12 | 0:19:13 | |
the stench of tuna melt in your hair at night, you know? | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
Just, I can't... | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
-I can't do it again. -OK. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
This is a personal opinion, but I think it WILL pay for itself. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:25 | |
I could kiss you, but I won't. I won't, not in the workplace. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:27 | |
I've been down that road before. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
I'll get the paperwork in order. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:32 | |
OK. Round the lead, love. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
I'm a tenant now. I've got rights. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
Hello, my darling! | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
What a day. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
Ah, ma'am, you're back. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
William and Catherine will soon be arriving to pick up Charlotte. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:50 | |
Oh, buggeration! | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
Is there a problem? | 0:19:52 | 0:19:53 | |
Oh! No, nothing. Why don't you pour me a gin, a big one? | 0:19:53 | 0:19:58 | |
No tonic. And I won't be a second. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
Bloody hell, wonder if I left her in the loony bin. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
DRAMATIC BAGPIPE MUSIC | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
Our guest's arrived. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:10 | |
Ah, Mr Simon Pegg. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:15 | |
SIMON GRUNTS | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
Where am I? What's this all about? | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
Let me tell you a story, Mr Pegg, | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
about a wee girl who loved Star Trek, | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
and was thrilled that amongst those boldly going where | 0:20:24 | 0:20:28 | |
no man had gone before was a Scot. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
A Scot so Scottish he was called Scottie! | 0:20:30 | 0:20:34 | |
And then she discovered that James Doohan | 0:20:34 | 0:20:37 | |
was about as Scottish as Dolly Parton | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
and he was, in fact, from Vancouver! | 0:20:40 | 0:20:43 | |
That's in Canada. | 0:20:43 | 0:20:45 | |
Thank you, wee Mhairi. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:46 | |
Fast forward 30 years, and I hear they're doing a reboot. | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
Surely this time Scottie will be portrayed by a fine Caledonian, | 0:20:49 | 0:20:54 | |
but no - the role goes to a poncey Sassenach from Gloucestershire, | 0:20:54 | 0:20:58 | |
who thinks that porridge is made with milk and sprinkled with sugar! | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
What do you want from me? | 0:21:01 | 0:21:02 | |
I want you to call your wee friend JJ and tell him you're retiring | 0:21:02 | 0:21:06 | |
from the role. And then you're going to call your | 0:21:06 | 0:21:08 | |
wee, wee friend Tom Cruise and tell him that he's going to star | 0:21:08 | 0:21:12 | |
in a film that I've written. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
Braveheart 2? | 0:21:16 | 0:21:17 | |
Look, this is madness. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:19 | |
And, anyway, Tom Cruise is an American. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
Ah, not when Operation Neeps and Tatties goes into effect. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:25 | |
Show him, Mhairi. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
Here, you see Scotland. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:30 | |
But, soon, things will change. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
And the mainland of Scotland will be joined by... | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
West Scotland. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
-That's crazy! -There's more. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:39 | |
East Scotland. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
North Scotland. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:42 | |
Don't tell me, England becomes South Scotland. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
No, that stays English. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:46 | |
We've no interest in that little bit whatsoever. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
This is ludicrous. You're insane! | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
You might think so, | 0:21:51 | 0:21:52 | |
but I won't rest until there is a branch of the Edinburgh Woollen Mill | 0:21:52 | 0:21:56 | |
in every major capital city in the world, | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
and "Donald Where's Your Troosers?" is the worldwide national anthem! | 0:21:58 | 0:22:02 | |
Mhairi, take Mr Pegg to his quarters | 0:22:02 | 0:22:06 | |
and shout your maiden speech to Parliament in his ear, | 0:22:06 | 0:22:09 | |
-until he comes round to our way of thinking! -No! | 0:22:09 | 0:22:12 | |
Thank you, Madam Deputy Speaker, | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
for calling me to such an important debate... | 0:22:14 | 0:22:17 | |
BAGPIPES AND SCREAMING | 0:22:17 | 0:22:20 | |
I know! I'm back at the BBC after 40 years. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
Can you believe it, Daddy? | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
Oh, they've still got our photo up! | 0:22:25 | 0:22:28 | |
Yeah, they're doing some sort of tribute to Top Of The Pops | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
and they can't use any of the old DJs for some reason. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:35 | |
I don't know. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:36 | |
Yeah, so they want us to spearhead it instead. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
That's right, all four of us. I've got to go to make-up. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
Oh, I hope my hot pants still fit! | 0:22:42 | 0:22:44 | |
SOFT POP MUSIC | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
# I'm still the unofficial boss | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
# My hair gets stuck in my lip gloss | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
-DEEP VOICE: -# I've put on weight and I don't give a toss | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
# I've got short-term memory loss | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
# Shake, shimmy, bump, boogaloo and jive | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
# Cute boots, spacesuits, look, we're still alive... # | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
FAST ROCK MUSIC | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
# We're back, we're back | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
# Tossing our hair | 0:23:11 | 0:23:13 | |
# Slight trace of camel toe, but we don't care | 0:23:13 | 0:23:15 | |
# Back where we want to be Back where the tea is free | 0:23:15 | 0:23:18 | |
# B-b-b-back at the B | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
# Back at the BB | 0:23:20 | 0:23:21 | |
# Back at the BBC | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
# The bands flew in and we were there to rave | 0:23:29 | 0:23:32 | |
# In the Blue Peter Garden, I shagged on Patch's grave | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
# An innocent time of laughter and charm | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
# Before the advent of the rape alarm | 0:23:37 | 0:23:41 | |
# We're back, we're back | 0:23:44 | 0:23:45 | |
# Tossing our hair | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
# We're having a hot flush, but we don't care | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
# This was the first place where I had to use Mace | 0:23:50 | 0:23:52 | |
# B-b-b-back at the B | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
# Back at the BB | 0:23:54 | 0:23:55 | |
# Back at the BBC | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
# They gave us keys to lock our door | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
# We wondered at the time, "What's this for?" | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
# We soon got wise | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
# To all that fun | 0:24:08 | 0:24:09 | |
# If you saw a DJ, you'd run, run, run! # | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
TUNE OF THE BIRDIE SONG | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
# With a little bit of this and a little bit of that | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
# He touched my bum | 0:24:17 | 0:24:18 | |
# We told you to run! | 0:24:18 | 0:24:19 | |
# No need for embarrassment | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
# They hadn't invented sexual harassment | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
# Sexual harassment | 0:24:26 | 0:24:28 | |
# They're pumping in the dry ice Now it's time to go | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
# That's the last you'll see of this camel toe | 0:24:34 | 0:24:37 | |
# It's been such fun dancing to the hits | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
# And check this out - we can still do the splits | 0:24:40 | 0:24:44 | |
-# My hip! -My tit! | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
-# -My God! My knee! | 0:24:46 | 0:24:47 | |
# B-b-b-back at the B | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
# Back at the BB | 0:24:49 | 0:24:51 | |
# Back at the BBC. # | 0:24:51 | 0:24:55 | |
SHE HOLDS HIGH NOTE | 0:24:55 | 0:24:59 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:59 | 0:25:02 | |
Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Thank you. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
Congratulations, Dame Judi. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
Well, it's not about winning awards, is it? | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
We just try to weave a few dreams and shine a light on what was dark. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:24 | |
It's always weird winning one at the beginning of the night, though. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:27 | |
(Still two hours to go!) | 0:25:27 | 0:25:29 | |
No, but this is tremendous. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
Watching one's fellow professionals being honoured. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
Oh, I'd rather be here than anywhere else! | 0:25:34 | 0:25:38 | |
Thank you! | 0:25:38 | 0:25:39 | |
The huge technological changes in cinematography over recent years... | 0:25:39 | 0:25:43 | |
-have presented a stiff challenge to our film... -SHE YAWNS | 0:25:43 | 0:25:47 | |
Nominated tonight for Best Cinematographer are... | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
Peter Rowe, Alistair Upcraft, Martin Hawkins. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:54 | |
And the winner is Peter Rowe. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
It's a great honour. Thank you very much. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
No awards ceremony would be complete without acknowledging | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
the contribution made by those working in languages | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
other than English. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:16 | |
..has seen the advent of a new breed of regional British talent... | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
Er, Judi squeezy through. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
..from all corners of the nation. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
Scotland, Wales and Yorkshire find themselves rubbing shoulders with... | 0:26:27 | 0:26:31 | |
The 2017 UK Film Award for Best Male Newcomer goes to... | 0:26:50 | 0:26:55 | |
..Dame Judi Dench? | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
Thank you! Thank you. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
You know, the marvellous thing about this profession | 0:27:10 | 0:27:14 | |
is that you no longer have to be new, or even male, | 0:27:14 | 0:27:18 | |
to win Best Male Newcomer, | 0:27:18 | 0:27:20 | |
and I think that's something that we can all celebrate. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:24 | |
Thank you. Thank you. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
Diversity's all very well, but it does seem a little odd that you, | 0:27:27 | 0:27:31 | |
as a woman... | 0:27:31 | 0:27:32 | |
BOOING | 0:27:32 | 0:27:33 | |
I hope you're not suggesting that I, as a national treasure, | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 | |
went backstage and put my name in all the envelopes just for kicks? | 0:27:36 | 0:27:41 | |
-Of course not. -Thank you! | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:43 | 0:27:45 | |
Which brings us to the award for Best Visual Effects. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:48 | |
In recent decades, Britain has led the way... | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
Shall we just save some time? | 0:27:52 | 0:27:53 | |
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. | 0:27:53 | 0:27:56 |