Episode 3 Walk on the Wild Side


Episode 3

Talking animal comedy. A game of hide and seek goes horribly wrong, Sid the monkey is troubled by his conscience, and the World's Strongest Roos get competitive.


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Transcript


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One, two, three, four, five...100. Coming, ready or not.

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Ready or not, here I come.

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-Eh?

-Eh? What's going on?

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16, 17, 99, 100. Coming, ready or not.

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-Hang on. Who's hiding and who's seeking?

-I'm seeking.

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-No, I'm seeking.

-I'm seeking.

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-I'm seeking.

-I'm seeking.

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-I'm seeking.

-I am seeking.

-I'm seeking.

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-Coming, ready or not.

-I'm hiding.

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Hang on, hang on! Who's got the rules?

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Rules?! You don't need rules for "hide and seek".

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You clearly do. This is a shambles.

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-I didn't think we needed them so I put them in the recycling.

-HE CHUCKLES

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Look, it's simple. One person seeks and everybody else hides. Got it?

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Don't shout at me or I'll shout at you.

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If you weren't shouting, I wouldn't be shouting.

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I'm only shouting because you were shouting.

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-Can we all stop shouting?

-If everyone is going to start shouting, I'm off.

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Hang on, I'm still hiding here.

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Are we still playing or what?

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All right, chief?

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Word to the wise - it's tough round here so you've got to gain respect.

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It's all about how you present yourself. You've got to look tough.

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If people see me on the street, they know not to mess. I'm menacing.

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What you need is a proper, tough walk.

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SAMBA MUSIC PLAYS

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Be lucky.

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MUSIC RESUMES

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Be lucky.

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MUSIC RESUMES

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Be lucky.

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I can't believe it.

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At last, I'm a tree owner.

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Who says there's no such thing as a genuine bargain any more?

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The estate agent was right.

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It's an absolute steal. 50k below the asking price.

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Look at the views.

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Massive garden, private, peaceful.

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< LOUD HONKING

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This didn't come up in the survey.

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IT RAPS: I can tell by the look in your eye, you wanna eat me

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Step up to me, baby You know you won't defeat me

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Pinch yourself, baby You know I'm like a dream

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Clam every mountain Bream the impossible bream

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I'm like James Bond You know, just like Prawn Connery

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Claws into you You're gonna wanna cala-"marry" me

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I'm crilling you, baby You need kelp

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See me swim, darling I'm like Michael Phelps

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That's why I'm urging For you to take me off your plate.

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I'm a 40lb flounder You know it's a big mistake

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You need a sturgeon So step back while I create

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A fisher prawn to stun your people That's what's make me great. Yo!

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Now, that's a bit annoying.

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Tip-top, man.

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I've been thinking, Arnold.

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-Good show, Alastair - keep the old brain box active.

-Quite. I've been thinking.

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-Now we're retired from the brigade...

-Ah, the brigade.

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Halcyon days - rifle cleaning, stand by your bed, ice-cold shower,

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nine-mile hike, rollicking from the Colonel, full English, side of kippers,

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pot of Assam, musket maintenance, nap, four-course lunch,

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partridge, sherry, round of rummy, polo, Martin Bernard Jules, nap, down at the mess for five for G&Ts.

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-That the life.

-It's a wonderful place when there's no war on.

-Hear, hear!

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I've been thinking. As we're retired and we're not getting any younger, we should consider finding wives.

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Wives? They're women, Arnold.

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Long hair, ribbons, doll's house, ponies, ballet, odd bumps, jewels,

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sewing, Florence Nightingale, matron, more jewels, nightdresses,

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rosewater, more jewels, high heels, no good in a trench.

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Perry Fairfax has taken a wife and she knocks up a spiffing gin sling.

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Fairfax? Frightful rascal.

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If he's got a wife, I want two.

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That's the life. Meh!

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Bleurgh!

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-Bleurgh!

-What are you doing, Adam?

-Nothing.

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Just standing here, minding my own business. Bleurgh!

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Then why are you flicking dust on me and doing that noise?

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I don't know what you're talking about. I'm nowhere near you.

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-I can see you from the corner of my eye.

-See what? I'm not - bleurgh! -

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-doing anything. You're imagining it.

-You are! I can see you.

-Bleurgh!

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I don't know what you're on about.

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-Bleurgh!

-Ugh! You need to get a girlfriend or something.

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-I'm nowhere near you. I'm over here.

-Look, Adam,

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there are loads of girls over there. Go and talk to them.

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I'm actually really busy at the moment. Bleurgh!

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This is ridiculous! I'm going for a walk. Idiot.

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-I'll come. Bleurgh!

-Adam!

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It's not me, honest.

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HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS Rock, rock, rock.

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-SPOOKY, DISEMBODIED VOICE:

-Sid.

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What?

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Sid.

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What? What? Who is it?

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This is the voice of your conscience, Sid.

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What? I ain't done nothing.

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-Well, that's not true, is it?

-What?

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You took a copy of High School Musical 3 out the video library, then said you lost it.

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Then you found it six months later under a bush and didn't take it back.

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I paid the fine, though. Leave me be.

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Ah, gets him every time!

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How long ARE you?

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MUSIC: "Don't Make Me Wait Too Long" by Barry White

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Baby, it's really amazing what I go through without you.

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You know, sometimes I find myself counting.

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-Counting the hours...

-Ooh!

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The minutes, the seconds, the moments.

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# Darling, please

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# Don't make me wait too long. #

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-All right, Trev?

-I'm all right, Bernie.

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Here, gag for you.

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Wife asked, "Shall we invite the mother down?"

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I said, "No, she's fine in the attic".

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THEY CHORTLE

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-In the attic!

-You crack me up!

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There is an air bed up there.

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HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS Rock, rock, rock,

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rock, rock, rock.

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I'm metal-mad, me. Evil.

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My name at school was Dark Destroyer because everyone was scared of me

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and I discovered the rock, the metal man,

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the music of the dark side. Now I've got loads of mates.

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They're all about the same age as me, they all look like me,

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they all dress like me, they all don't have a girlfriend like me.

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It's aces. We just hang out, listen to rock, scare everyone,

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just by looking different. I ain't never going to change for no-one.

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If you don't like how I dress, how I talk, that's your problem, not mine.

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I do what I want,

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I want. And if people don't like what I want, or what I do, they can...

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-HIGH-PITCHED FEMALE:

-Roger! Your tea's ready.

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Coming.

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How do you spell his name, then?

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Who, Sean? It's er...

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S for smelly,

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E for eejit,

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A for annoying and N for numpty.

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-OK. What's he like?

-Oh, he's charming, yeah.

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He's a lovely bloke.

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Typical. I get pulled to one side by Customs before I've even

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got on t'plane just because I didn't say I packed my own bag.

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My wife packs my bag - that's what always happens.

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-And now I'm subjected to this humiliation.

-'And spread.'

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It was a mistake, officer. SHE-EEE packed my bag.

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'Don't worry, sir, won't be long.'

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Have I still got t'chance to pick up some duty-FREE-EEE?

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Hey, Keith, do that thing again where you fart through your head.

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-No, I don't want to do it again.

-Go on, mate, it's wicked.

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All right, then.

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Mate, that was sick.

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You've done it again.

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I did it, I did it, I did it.

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Have you been eating that tuna again?

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-Yeah.

-I'm going up to the surface for some air. That's minging.

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Right, that's me done for a year.

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Off for a kip.

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Len, I'm so glad I caught you before you bedded down for the winter.

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Hello, Ross. Just going now.

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I'm going to miss you, big guy.

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Come here.

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Give us a hug.

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You take care, now. D'you hear me?

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Don't worry about a thing. You have a lovely long sleep.

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All right, Ross. Easy now, mate.

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Just go! Don't look back!

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Where are you going, Len?

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Is it something I've done?

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Whatever it is I've done, I'm sorry.

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I know I'm a bit, but I'm really mates with his brother.

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Just go, Len.

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Just go.

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MUSIC: "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye

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# Baby

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# I got sick this morning

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# A sea was storming inside of me

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# Baby

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# I think I'm capsizing

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# The waves are rising and rising

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# And when I get that feeling

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# I want sexual healing

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# Sexual healing

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# It's good for me. #

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In the red corner, the Raging Rabbit of Ramses,

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the undisputed champion of the world,

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Diego "The Ears Of Armageddon" Hernandez.

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CHEERING

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And in the blue corner...

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-Ken.

-Yeah, that's me.

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BOOING

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Sid.

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-What?

-Sid.

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What? What? Who's that?

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-This is the voice of your conscience, Sid.

-What?

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-I ain't done nothing.

-Well, I wouldn't say that, Sid.

-What?

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Did you or did you not in February last year

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travel first-class when only had purchased a standard-class return?

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There was no seats in standard. AND I'd broken my ankle.

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-It's still stealing, Sid.

-No.

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Ah! He does need to be watched, old Branson.

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IT BEATBOXES

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SOUND OF PING-PONG BALLS CLATTERING

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Wow. You guys have got good.

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-Yeah.

-Practice, innit?

-So fast!

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-Pretty slick, yeah?

-We're thinking of turning pro.

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Can I play the winner of this game?

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-SOUND OF BALL CLATTERING OFF TABLE

-Ooh, I'm up.

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Nah, best of three.

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-So, how was school, son?

-Ugh!

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-That's good. What did you have?

-Aargh!

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Triple maths? Blimey!

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-Learn anything interesting?

-Ugh!

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Pythagoras' theorem? That's a bit advanced.

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-How was PE? Did you win at football?

-Eurgh!

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-Mrs Millward made you do what?

-Ugh!

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Made you play in your pants and vest just because you'd forgotten your shorts and polo shirt?

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Right, I'll have a word with her on the next parents' evening.

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-Ugh!

-I don't care if it makes you look sad, it's disgraceful.

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-Ugh!

-All right, I'll forget it.

-Ugh!

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-Your favourite - chicken kievs and potato wedges.

-Ugh!

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-Since when are you a vegetarian?

-Ah!

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-Because Jessica Thomson is. Of course. I should have known.

-Ugh!

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Thanks very much.

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-Me now.

-No, best of five, girl.

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Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, look at this!

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-Look at my moves.

-Very good, Finbar.

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Sure, you're a great dancer.

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The eejit Flatley calls himself Lord of the Dance.

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Makes me livid just to think of it.

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Let it go, Finbar.

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Sure, how can I?

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I'm tired. Take me home.

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Interesting name.

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How does she spell that?

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Sian? It's unusual.

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S for sour,

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I for ignorant,

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A for arrogant and N for no way, Jose.

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OK, so I take it you won't be seeing her again.

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Au contraire, Terence. I think I'm in love with her.

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HE SNIFFS

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Ah!

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Someone's having a barbecue. Mmm!

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Oh, my word, that smells good.

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Oh, yes. Sausages.

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Oh, I'm going to get me a sausage.

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Eight years a vegetarian, the wife will kill me. She'll never know.

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Oh, yes. Yes.

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Oh, I'm going to get me a sausage.

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Kenneth! Where are you going?

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Nowhere. Nowhere.

0:12:380:12:39

-I was just thinking of getting some...tofu.

-Good.

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HE GULPS

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-It's got to be me now. Howay, man.

-Nah, it's best of 93, innit?

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Right, you all know why you're here.

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I won't beat around the bush.

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This was a disaster. You lot are a shambles.

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You lost the task, lost me money and now,

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one of you will be fired.

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Er, can I just say, Lord Sugar...

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No! I've heard enough from you.

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-You were in this boardroom last week, begging me to give you another chance. Correct?

-Yes, Lord Sugar.

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-Now, I specifically asked Margaret...

-Karren.

-..to keep an eye on you. Margaret...

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-It's Karren.

-..was not impressed. Margaret...

-Karren.

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-..is a good judge. When I met Margaret...

-Karren!

-I thought, "This Margaret can read people."

0:13:280:13:32

-Sir Alan, I can't stand this.

-Margaret, I am not Sir Alan.

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-I am Lord Sugar.

-Oh, good Lord!

0:13:350:13:38

Now, that is more like it, Margaret.

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-ALARM RINGS

-Penny, where's the getaway car?

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-It's just up here.

-How far?

-A few miles.

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What? Why did you park up there?

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I didn't want to park on a double yellow, it's against the law.

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We just robbed a bank, you idiot!

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POLICE SIREN WAILS I know. I feel really bad about that.

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-HELICOPTER PASSES OVERHEAD

-Oh, yes, Karen.

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That'll be the unmistakable hum of the Sopworth Camel.

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-SHE SIGHS

-Oh, it's...

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powered by 110 horsepower, 9Z.

0:14:040:14:08

Absolute classic.

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Every single weekend!

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-SINGS ALONG TO THE NOLANS:

-# I'm in the mood for dancing

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# Romancing. #

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Oh, I can't wait for my party tonight.

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Everybody going to love my new place.

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I thought they'd be here by now.

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It was supposed to start six hours ago. They'll be here shortly.

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# Oh, I'm dancing

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# Just move your beak, babe. #

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Tip top, man.

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Well, I've done it, Alistair. Taken a wife.

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Congratulations, Arnold. Is she ex-brigade?

0:14:450:14:48

Hardly! The brigade is no place to find a wife. Ah, the brigade -

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up at five, marching, cross-country run, cold shower, full English, eggy bread,

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a run around the parade ground, spot of lunch, guinea fowl, pipe, nap,

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musket maintenance, fencing, nine holes, back to the mess for G&Ts.

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-That's the life.

-Maureen is the old girl's name.

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She's a nurse. Up at four, pacing the ward, vigorous bed bath,

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apply dressings, administering ointments, bowl of grapes and checking in the bot-bot.

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Vigorous bed bath, paper hats, little watch pinned onto her apron, swig of Calpol, vigorous bed bath.

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She sounds just the ticket. Pleasant bedside manner?

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Absolute battleaxe, but makes a Victoria sponge as light as a fairy's fart.

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Tip top, man.

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Karen, Karen, it's a Spitfire, love.

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-Oh, have a listen to that.

-Ugh!

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Rose Royce, Merlin, 45 supercharged V12 engine. What a beauty.

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I suppose it's better than his Morris dancing phase.

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MUSIC: "Africa" by Toto

0:15:420:15:45

-SINGS ALONG:

-# I hear the drums echoing tonight

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# But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation

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# Ba-dow-bow-bow

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# She's coming in at 12.30 flight

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# Wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation... #

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Oh, this guy's great.

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I love this song. Go on, sing it.

0:16:100:16:14

# Hoping to find some long-forgotten words or ancient melodies

0:16:140:16:21

# He turned to me as if to say

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# Hurry, boy, it's waiting there for you... #

0:16:260:16:28

-Brilliant! That's why I hang around with these guys.

-Oh, these guys know how to party!

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ALL: # It's going to take a lot to drag me away from you

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# There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do

0:16:370:16:43

# I bless the rains down in Africa

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# Going to take some time to do the things we never have. #

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This is brilliant. I wonder if they're having this much fun down in India.

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Hot, isn't it, Rajesh?

0:17:090:17:12

Nah, boring.

0:17:120:17:14

# I bless the rains down in Africa

0:17:140:17:18

# Gonna take some time to do the things we never have

0:17:180:17:21

# Ba-dow-bow-bow. #

0:17:240:17:27

Oh! They've put the burgers on now.

0:17:280:17:31

One little one won't hurt.

0:17:310:17:33

She won't have to know.

0:17:330:17:35

I'm going to get one.

0:17:350:17:36

Kenneth! Kenneth!

0:17:360:17:39

-What? I'm not having any meat.

-What?

0:17:390:17:42

-Nothing.

-Your chickpea salad is starting to wilt!

0:17:420:17:47

Right, it's that time again.

0:17:500:17:52

I've got a tough decision to make but one of you will be fired.

0:17:520:17:56

I've consulted with my eyes and ears on the ground, Nick and Margaret.

0:17:560:18:01

It's actually Karren.

0:18:010:18:02

I'm talking now. Simon, you were project manager.

0:18:020:18:06

Good project manager?

0:18:060:18:07

THEY MURMUR

0:18:070:18:09

No complaints.

0:18:090:18:11

-That's not what Margaret says.

-It's Karren. My name's Karren.

-I won't tell you again.

0:18:110:18:15

I am talking. OK, I've made up my mind.

0:18:150:18:18

Simon...

0:18:180:18:20

with regret,

0:18:200:18:21

you're tired.

0:18:210:18:23

Thank you, Lord Sugar. But you're making a big mistake.

0:18:230:18:26

Nick, I think Margaret might need the afternoon off.

0:18:260:18:28

-It's Karren!

-She's acting a bit weird.

0:18:280:18:31

Oh, Sheila, I've got to lose some weight soon.

0:18:310:18:35

Get away! You're just skin and bone, love.

0:18:350:18:38

No, seriously, I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

0:18:380:18:41

Why, Sandra, what has happened?

0:18:410:18:43

-You know I've booked that photographer to do mine and John's wedding?

-Yeah.

0:18:430:18:47

He's got to use a special sort of camera to make sure he fits us it all into the same shot.

0:18:470:18:51

That's not that bad, Sandra.

0:18:510:18:54

-What sort of camera is it?

-Google Earth.

0:18:540:18:56

THEY CHUCKLE

0:18:560:18:59

Yes, that is quite bad.

0:19:020:19:05

And welcome to the 2010 World's Strongest Roo competition.

0:19:070:19:12

Let's meet the competitors.

0:19:120:19:13

From Australia, it's Chip "The Champ" Davey.

0:19:130:19:16

I am ripped. Look at my pecs. I'm one big hunk of kangaroo goodness.

0:19:170:19:22

I can't hold it much longer, come on, move on. Go to Hank.

0:19:220:19:25

From Canada, it's Hank "The Tank" Templeton.

0:19:250:19:30

OK, just relax, relax.

0:19:300:19:32

Hello, ladies. Tense!

0:19:320:19:35

That's great. Biceps. Look at my guns.

0:19:350:19:39

How was that? Was that good?

0:19:390:19:41

And from Austria, Kurt "The Hurt" Urls.

0:19:410:19:45

I can be strong or I can be thoughtful.

0:19:450:19:48

Yes, I have a great body but look into my eyes.

0:19:480:19:52

I'm also incredibly deep.

0:19:520:19:55

And from South Africa, Sean "The Brawn" Brown.

0:19:550:20:00

So, I stretched leg up.

0:20:000:20:02

Stretch, stretch, stretch.

0:20:020:20:04

Blimey, that's good.

0:20:040:20:06

Oh, no, I forgot my pants. Forgot my little black pants.

0:20:060:20:09

I'm an idiot.

0:20:090:20:11

Coming up after the break, these kangaroos will lift things.

0:20:110:20:16

So, he's the new boss then.

0:20:200:20:23

-Funny name. How's it spelt?

-Guido.

0:20:230:20:27

G for gormless,

0:20:270:20:29

U for useless,

0:20:290:20:31

I for insipid,

0:20:310:20:33

D for donkey

0:20:330:20:35

-and O for "Oh, give me strength".

-Oh, right.

0:20:350:20:38

So he's a lovely bloke, yeah?

0:20:380:20:40

No. He is a proper plank.

0:20:400:20:43

I can't stand him.

0:20:430:20:45

Seamus, Seamus. Look at this.

0:20:470:20:50

-Heaven help us.

-Seamus, it's the regal dance of the Cossack.

0:20:500:20:53

As rich as a piece of Russian cultural life

0:20:530:20:55

as the plays of Chekhov or the music of Prokofiev

0:20:550:20:59

and master of the streets of St Petersburg by me.

0:20:590:21:02

Is it not exactly the same as your other dances?

0:21:050:21:08

What?! Sure, look at my feet - it's totally different.

0:21:080:21:11

I pity you sometimes, Seamus.

0:21:110:21:14

I'm wrecked. Take me home.

0:21:140:21:16

Oh, Jane, they're outside again,

0:21:180:21:19

hanging around, hogging our weeds like they own up the whole clearing.

0:21:190:21:23

Really, Roger, they're not doing anything. Don't get so stressed.

0:21:230:21:27

-Doesn't bother you?

-No, Roger.

0:21:270:21:29

-Well, it bothers me. I'm going to have a word.

-Fine.

0:21:290:21:31

-I am.

-Good, well go on then.

0:21:310:21:33

I'm going. Hey, guys.

0:21:330:21:36

Hey. I was just sort of wondering, you know, if it's cool,

0:21:360:21:40

if you could just leave a few weeds, er, or not.

0:21:400:21:43

Mi casa, su casa and all that. That would be lovely, though.

0:21:430:21:47

Yeah. Whatever works for you. Ciao. Nice to talk to you. Bye.

0:21:470:21:52

Well, I think we'll have no more trouble from that lot.

0:21:520:21:54

Really, Roger? What happened.

0:21:540:21:56

I was like, "Get off my land." They were like, "No way, man."

0:21:560:21:59

I said, "Don't push me, guys, I do tae kwon do." They were like, "No, we won't do it again."

0:21:590:22:03

"I see you round here again, I'll not be responsible."

0:22:030:22:06

They were like, "You taught us a lesson. Thanks." One of 'em cried.

0:22:060:22:09

-It's a lie, isn't it?

-Yeah.

0:22:090:22:12

You didn't say any of those things, did you, pet?

0:22:120:22:14

-No.

-No. Would you like a cuddle?

0:22:140:22:17

Yes, please.

0:22:170:22:18

Karen, Karen!

0:22:180:22:21

It's only a Lancaster Bomber, love. Oh, pride of the fleet.

0:22:210:22:24

The rivet work is a joy to behold.

0:22:240:22:28

When he said he was going to show me the Great Plains,

0:22:280:22:31

this isn't what I had in mind.

0:22:310:22:33

You are ruining this holiday for me, love.

0:22:330:22:35

HUMS ALONG TO INSTRUMENTAL SECTION OF "Africa" by Toto

0:22:370:22:41

# Hurry, boy, it's waiting there for you

0:22:520:22:58

# It's going to take... #

0:22:580:23:00

Hey!

0:23:010:23:03

I'm here. Thank God. You've come to rescue me.

0:23:030:23:06

Thank you so much.

0:23:060:23:07

I thought I was going to die out here. I've been stranded for 40 days all by myself.

0:23:070:23:12

Well, not ALL by myself - there were other goats in the party.

0:23:120:23:16

But they went searching for help.

0:23:160:23:18

I don't think you'll find them, so I wouldn't bother looking.

0:23:180:23:22

Just forget them. I didn't eat them, all right?

0:23:220:23:24

It's not like that film, Alive, where the football team turn cannibals

0:23:240:23:28

and even if I had eaten them, what's wrong with that?

0:23:280:23:31

I was hungry.

0:23:310:23:32

They might have tasted really good, but I didn't eat them, so there.

0:23:320:23:36

HE BURPS LOUDLY

0:23:360:23:37

Now I'm full. Not because I ate them, at all.

0:23:370:23:40

No, no, I'm full on, er...air.

0:23:400:23:42

Hey, hey, don't leave me. I didn't eat them!

0:23:420:23:45

All right. Fine, OK, I did eat them.

0:23:450:23:49

Seamus, Seamus, I've just been to an all-night rave.

0:23:510:23:56

Oh, no, here we go.

0:23:560:23:57

It was great. It took place in an abandoned warehouse.

0:23:570:24:00

It was the best night of my life.

0:24:000:24:02

The dancing was all new but I picked it up in no time. Look at me.

0:24:020:24:05

Big fish, little fish, cardboard box.

0:24:050:24:08

Big box, small box, cardboard fish.

0:24:080:24:11

So, pretty much the same as all your other dances.

0:24:110:24:13

Not at all, Seamus. Can you not see it's got boxes and fishes in it?

0:24:130:24:18

I'm battered. Take me home. I've been up all night.

0:24:180:24:21

-Sid.

-What?

0:24:230:24:26

Sid.

0:24:260:24:28

Oh, no, it's my conscience.

0:24:280:24:30

This is your...conscience.

0:24:300:24:33

-I ain't done nothing.

-That's not strictly true though, is it, Sid?

-What?

0:24:330:24:37

Last Thursday at 16.34, you stood in the ten items or less checkout. You clearly had more than ten items.

0:24:370:24:42

No, it was two-for-one on French-bread pizzas.

0:24:420:24:45

-I was only one over.

-11 is not ten though, is it? Selfish.

0:24:450:24:49

-Oh, no.

-A-ha!

0:24:490:24:51

It is selfish, though - does my head right in.

0:24:510:24:54

Later tonight, a drama premiere

0:24:540:24:56

in association with Gill-ett Mackerel 3,

0:24:560:24:58

the best a fish can get.

0:24:580:25:00

A disturbing new case for...

0:25:000:25:02

Turnbull.

0:25:020:25:04

Look at this crime scene.

0:25:110:25:13

I must have missed something.

0:25:130:25:15

There's fin prints everywhere.

0:25:150:25:17

If only these grains of sand could talk.

0:25:170:25:20

DCI Turnbull, Ken Lewis from the Mail.

0:25:200:25:23

-Any closer to making an arrest?

-Get lost!

0:25:230:25:25

-Just a few questions.

-You're contaminating the crime scene.

-Have you identified a body?

0:25:250:25:29

I've just told you, get lost.

0:25:290:25:31

What don't you get?

0:25:310:25:33

For the first time in history, a fish has drowned.

0:25:330:25:36

And it's freaking everybody out.

0:25:360:25:40

Fire in the the hole.

0:25:440:25:47

LAUGHTER

0:25:470:25:48

-CHANTS:

-My bubbles, your troubles.

0:25:510:25:53

Grow up, will you?

0:25:530:25:56

-That's just wrong.

-He's a legend.

0:25:560:26:00

MUSIC: PAN PIPE VERSION OF "La Isla Bonita" by Madonna

0:26:020:26:05

Tip top, man.

0:26:320:26:34

So, now you've found nursey wife Maureen, I daresay a son will follow. Carry on the family name.

0:26:340:26:39

Kiddywinks. Boarding school, Alistair.

0:26:390:26:42

Up at six, bowl of porridge, few hymns, Latin, game of rugger,

0:26:420:26:45

trigonometry, more rugger, come from Eton, debagging from the prefects,

0:26:450:26:49

spotted dick, custard, more Latin, lights out, midnight feast.

0:26:490:26:52

-That's the life. Surely it won't go to boarding school till he's about three.

-Correct, Alastair.

0:26:520:26:57

I understand the first years are up all night,

0:26:570:27:00

goo-goo, ga-ga, milk, rusk, colourful mobile above a crib,

0:27:000:27:03

soothing lullaby, goo-ga-ga, potty full,

0:27:030:27:06

"Look, a puppy!", popper buttons on the undercarriage, nasty rash,

0:27:060:27:10

"Hello, Daddy, I can talk now."

0:27:100:27:12

Sounds a bit of a bore, old bean.

0:27:120:27:15

I'll probably go on safari until he leaves for school so Maureen can concentrate on him.

0:27:150:27:19

That's very good of you, Arnold.

0:27:190:27:21

-Give and take, Alastair, the secret of a happy marriage.

-Tip top, man.

0:27:210:27:26

Pele, Kaka, Kaka, Kaka,

0:27:280:27:31

Kaka, Kaka...

0:27:310:27:33

CHEERING

0:27:330:27:34

Goaaaaaaaal!

0:27:340:27:43

Braziiiiiil!

0:27:430:27:48

MUSIC PLAYS

0:27:490:27:52

Be lucky.

0:27:520:27:53

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:060:28:09

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:090:28:12

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