Episode 3 Walk on the Wild Side

One, two, three, four, five...100. Coming, ready or not.

Ready or not, here I come.

-Eh?

-Eh? What's going on?

16, 17, 99, 100. Coming, ready or not.

-Hang on. Who's hiding and who's seeking?

-I'm seeking.

-No, I'm seeking.

-I'm seeking.

-I'm seeking.

-I'm seeking.

-I'm seeking.

-I am seeking.

-I'm seeking.

-Coming, ready or not.

-I'm hiding.

Hang on, hang on! Who's got the rules?

Rules?! You don't need rules for "hide and seek".

You clearly do. This is a shambles.

-I didn't think we needed them so I put them in the recycling.

-HE CHUCKLES

Look, it's simple. One person seeks and everybody else hides. Got it?

Don't shout at me or I'll shout at you.

If you weren't shouting, I wouldn't be shouting.

I'm only shouting because you were shouting.

-Can we all stop shouting?

-If everyone is going to start shouting, I'm off.

Hang on, I'm still hiding here.

Are we still playing or what?

All right, chief?

Word to the wise - it's tough round here so you've got to gain respect.

It's all about how you present yourself. You've got to look tough.

If people see me on the street, they know not to mess. I'm menacing.

What you need is a proper, tough walk.

SAMBA MUSIC PLAYS

Be lucky.

MUSIC RESUMES

Be lucky.

MUSIC RESUMES

Be lucky.

I can't believe it.

At last, I'm a tree owner.

Who says there's no such thing as a genuine bargain any more?

The estate agent was right.

It's an absolute steal. 50k below the asking price.

Look at the views.

Massive garden, private, peaceful.

< LOUD HONKING

This didn't come up in the survey.

IT RAPS: I can tell by the look in your eye, you wanna eat me

Step up to me, baby You know you won't defeat me

Pinch yourself, baby You know I'm like a dream

Clam every mountain Bream the impossible bream

I'm like James Bond You know, just like Prawn Connery

Claws into you You're gonna wanna cala-"marry" me

I'm crilling you, baby You need kelp

See me swim, darling I'm like Michael Phelps

That's why I'm urging For you to take me off your plate.

I'm a 40lb flounder You know it's a big mistake

You need a sturgeon So step back while I create

A fisher prawn to stun your people That's what's make me great. Yo!

Now, that's a bit annoying.

Tip-top, man.

I've been thinking, Arnold.

-Good show, Alastair - keep the old brain box active.

-Quite. I've been thinking.

-Now we're retired from the brigade...

-Ah, the brigade.

Halcyon days - rifle cleaning, stand by your bed, ice-cold shower,

nine-mile hike, rollicking from the Colonel, full English, side of kippers,

pot of Assam, musket maintenance, nap, four-course lunch,

partridge, sherry, round of rummy, polo, Martin Bernard Jules, nap, down at the mess for five for G&Ts.

-That the life.

-It's a wonderful place when there's no war on.

-Hear, hear!

I've been thinking. As we're retired and we're not getting any younger, we should consider finding wives.

Wives? They're women, Arnold.

Long hair, ribbons, doll's house, ponies, ballet, odd bumps, jewels,

sewing, Florence Nightingale, matron, more jewels, nightdresses,

rosewater, more jewels, high heels, no good in a trench.

Perry Fairfax has taken a wife and she knocks up a spiffing gin sling.

Fairfax? Frightful rascal.

If he's got a wife, I want two.

That's the life. Meh!

Bleurgh!

-Bleurgh!

-What are you doing, Adam?

-Nothing.

Just standing here, minding my own business. Bleurgh!

Then why are you flicking dust on me and doing that noise?

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm nowhere near you.

-I can see you from the corner of my eye.

-See what? I'm not - bleurgh! -

-doing anything. You're imagining it.

-You are! I can see you.

-Bleurgh!

I don't know what you're on about.

-Bleurgh!

-Ugh! You need to get a girlfriend or something.

-I'm nowhere near you. I'm over here.

-Look, Adam,

there are loads of girls over there. Go and talk to them.

I'm actually really busy at the moment. Bleurgh!

This is ridiculous! I'm going for a walk. Idiot.

-I'll come. Bleurgh!

-Adam!

It's not me, honest.

HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS Rock, rock, rock.

-SPOOKY, DISEMBODIED VOICE:

-Sid.

What?

Sid.

What? What? Who is it?

This is the voice of your conscience, Sid.

What? I ain't done nothing.

-Well, that's not true, is it?

-What?

You took a copy of High School Musical 3 out the video library, then said you lost it.

Then you found it six months later under a bush and didn't take it back.

I paid the fine, though. Leave me be.

Ah, gets him every time!

How long ARE you?

MUSIC: "Don't Make Me Wait Too Long" by Barry White

Baby, it's really amazing what I go through without you.

You know, sometimes I find myself counting.

-Counting the hours...

-Ooh!

The minutes, the seconds, the moments.

# Darling, please

# Don't make me wait too long. #

-All right, Trev?

-I'm all right, Bernie.

Here, gag for you.

Wife asked, "Shall we invite the mother down?"

I said, "No, she's fine in the attic".

THEY CHORTLE

-In the attic!

-You crack me up!

There is an air bed up there.

HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS Rock, rock, rock,

rock, rock, rock.

I'm metal-mad, me. Evil.

My name at school was Dark Destroyer because everyone was scared of me

and I discovered the rock, the metal man,

the music of the dark side. Now I've got loads of mates.

They're all about the same age as me, they all look like me,

they all dress like me, they all don't have a girlfriend like me.

It's aces. We just hang out, listen to rock, scare everyone,

just by looking different. I ain't never going to change for no-one.

If you don't like how I dress, how I talk, that's your problem, not mine.

I do what I want,

I want. And if people don't like what I want, or what I do, they can...

-HIGH-PITCHED FEMALE:

-Roger! Your tea's ready.

Coming.

How do you spell his name, then?

Who, Sean? It's er...

S for smelly,

E for eejit,

A for annoying and N for numpty.

-OK. What's he like?

-Oh, he's charming, yeah.

He's a lovely bloke.

Typical. I get pulled to one side by Customs before I've even

got on t'plane just because I didn't say I packed my own bag.

My wife packs my bag - that's what always happens.

-And now I'm subjected to this humiliation.

-'And spread.'

It was a mistake, officer. SHE-EEE packed my bag.

'Don't worry, sir, won't be long.'

Have I still got t'chance to pick up some duty-FREE-EEE?

Hey, Keith, do that thing again where you fart through your head.

-No, I don't want to do it again.

-Go on, mate, it's wicked.

All right, then.

Mate, that was sick.

You've done it again.

I did it, I did it, I did it.

Have you been eating that tuna again?

-Yeah.

-I'm going up to the surface for some air. That's minging.

Right, that's me done for a year.

Off for a kip.

Len, I'm so glad I caught you before you bedded down for the winter.

Hello, Ross. Just going now.

I'm going to miss you, big guy.

Come here.

Give us a hug.

You take care, now. D'you hear me?

Don't worry about a thing. You have a lovely long sleep.

All right, Ross. Easy now, mate.

Just go! Don't look back!

Where are you going, Len?

Is it something I've done?

Whatever it is I've done, I'm sorry.

I know I'm a bit, but I'm really mates with his brother.

Just go, Len.

Just go.

MUSIC: "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye

# Baby

# I got sick this morning

# A sea was storming inside of me

# Baby

# I think I'm capsizing

# The waves are rising and rising

# And when I get that feeling

# I want sexual healing

# Sexual healing

# It's good for me. #

In the red corner, the Raging Rabbit of Ramses,

the undisputed champion of the world,

Diego "The Ears Of Armageddon" Hernandez.

CHEERING

And in the blue corner...

-Ken.

-Yeah, that's me.

BOOING

Sid.

-What?

-Sid.

What? What? Who's that?

-This is the voice of your conscience, Sid.

-What?

-I ain't done nothing.

-Well, I wouldn't say that, Sid.

-What?

Did you or did you not in February last year

travel first-class when only had purchased a standard-class return?

There was no seats in standard. AND I'd broken my ankle.

-It's still stealing, Sid.

-No.

Ah! He does need to be watched, old Branson.

IT BEATBOXES

SOUND OF PING-PONG BALLS CLATTERING

Wow. You guys have got good.

-Yeah.

-Practice, innit?

-So fast!

-Pretty slick, yeah?

-We're thinking of turning pro.

Can I play the winner of this game?

-SOUND OF BALL CLATTERING OFF TABLE

-Ooh, I'm up.

Nah, best of three.

-So, how was school, son?

-Ugh!

-That's good. What did you have?

-Aargh!

Triple maths? Blimey!

-Learn anything interesting?

-Ugh!

Pythagoras' theorem? That's a bit advanced.

-How was PE? Did you win at football?

-Eurgh!

-Mrs Millward made you do what?

-Ugh!

Made you play in your pants and vest just because you'd forgotten your shorts and polo shirt?

Right, I'll have a word with her on the next parents' evening.

-Ugh!

-I don't care if it makes you look sad, it's disgraceful.

-Ugh!

-All right, I'll forget it.

-Ugh!

-Your favourite - chicken kievs and potato wedges.

-Ugh!

-Since when are you a vegetarian?

-Ah!

-Because Jessica Thomson is. Of course. I should have known.

-Ugh!

Thanks very much.

-Me now.

-No, best of five, girl.

Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, look at this!

-Look at my moves.

-Very good, Finbar.

Sure, you're a great dancer.

The eejit Flatley calls himself Lord of the Dance.

Makes me livid just to think of it.

Let it go, Finbar.

Sure, how can I?

I'm tired. Take me home.

Interesting name.

How does she spell that?

Sian? It's unusual.

S for sour,

I for ignorant,

A for arrogant and N for no way, Jose.

OK, so I take it you won't be seeing her again.

Au contraire, Terence. I think I'm in love with her.

HE SNIFFS

Ah!

Someone's having a barbecue. Mmm!

Oh, my word, that smells good.

Oh, yes. Sausages.

Oh, I'm going to get me a sausage.

Eight years a vegetarian, the wife will kill me. She'll never know.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Oh, I'm going to get me a sausage.

Kenneth! Where are you going?

Nowhere. Nowhere.

-I was just thinking of getting some...tofu.

-Good.

HE GULPS

-It's got to be me now. Howay, man.

-Nah, it's best of 93, innit?

Right, you all know why you're here.

I won't beat around the bush.

This was a disaster. You lot are a shambles.

You lost the task, lost me money and now,

one of you will be fired.

Er, can I just say, Lord Sugar...

No! I've heard enough from you.

-You were in this boardroom last week, begging me to give you another chance. Correct?

-Yes, Lord Sugar.

-Now, I specifically asked Margaret...

-Karren.

-..to keep an eye on you. Margaret...

-It's Karren.

-..was not impressed. Margaret...

-Karren.

-..is a good judge. When I met Margaret...

-Karren!

-I thought, "This Margaret can read people."

-Sir Alan, I can't stand this.

-Margaret, I am not Sir Alan.

-I am Lord Sugar.

-Oh, good Lord!

Now, that is more like it, Margaret.

-ALARM RINGS

-Penny, where's the getaway car?

-It's just up here.

-How far?

-A few miles.

What? Why did you park up there?

I didn't want to park on a double yellow, it's against the law.

We just robbed a bank, you idiot!

POLICE SIREN WAILS I know. I feel really bad about that.

-HELICOPTER PASSES OVERHEAD

-Oh, yes, Karen.

That'll be the unmistakable hum of the Sopworth Camel.

-SHE SIGHS

-Oh, it's...

powered by 110 horsepower, 9Z.

Absolute classic.

Every single weekend!

-SINGS ALONG TO THE NOLANS:

-# I'm in the mood for dancing

# Romancing. #

Oh, I can't wait for my party tonight.

Everybody going to love my new place.

I thought they'd be here by now.

It was supposed to start six hours ago. They'll be here shortly.

# Oh, I'm dancing

# Just move your beak, babe. #

Tip top, man.

Well, I've done it, Alistair. Taken a wife.

Congratulations, Arnold. Is she ex-brigade?

Hardly! The brigade is no place to find a wife. Ah, the brigade -

up at five, marching, cross-country run, cold shower, full English, eggy bread,

a run around the parade ground, spot of lunch, guinea fowl, pipe, nap,

musket maintenance, fencing, nine holes, back to the mess for G&Ts.

-That's the life.

-Maureen is the old girl's name.

She's a nurse. Up at four, pacing the ward, vigorous bed bath,

apply dressings, administering ointments, bowl of grapes and checking in the bot-bot.

Vigorous bed bath, paper hats, little watch pinned onto her apron, swig of Calpol, vigorous bed bath.

She sounds just the ticket. Pleasant bedside manner?

Absolute battleaxe, but makes a Victoria sponge as light as a fairy's fart.

Tip top, man.

Karen, Karen, it's a Spitfire, love.

-Oh, have a listen to that.

-Ugh!

Rose Royce, Merlin, 45 supercharged V12 engine. What a beauty.

I suppose it's better than his Morris dancing phase.

MUSIC: "Africa" by Toto

-SINGS ALONG:

-# I hear the drums echoing tonight

# But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation

# Ba-dow-bow-bow

# She's coming in at 12.30 flight

# Wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation... #

Oh, this guy's great.

I love this song. Go on, sing it.

# Hoping to find some long-forgotten words or ancient melodies

# He turned to me as if to say

# Hurry, boy, it's waiting there for you... #

-Brilliant! That's why I hang around with these guys.

-Oh, these guys know how to party!

ALL: # It's going to take a lot to drag me away from you

# There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do

# I bless the rains down in Africa

# Going to take some time to do the things we never have. #

This is brilliant. I wonder if they're having this much fun down in India.

Hot, isn't it, Rajesh?

Nah, boring.

# I bless the rains down in Africa

# Gonna take some time to do the things we never have

# Ba-dow-bow-bow. #

Oh! They've put the burgers on now.

One little one won't hurt.

She won't have to know.

I'm going to get one.

Kenneth! Kenneth!

-What? I'm not having any meat.

-What?

-Nothing.

-Your chickpea salad is starting to wilt!

Right, it's that time again.

I've got a tough decision to make but one of you will be fired.

I've consulted with my eyes and ears on the ground, Nick and Margaret.

It's actually Karren.

I'm talking now. Simon, you were project manager.

Good project manager?

THEY MURMUR

No complaints.

-That's not what Margaret says.

-It's Karren. My name's Karren.

-I won't tell you again.

I am talking. OK, I've made up my mind.

Simon...

with regret,

you're tired.

Thank you, Lord Sugar. But you're making a big mistake.

Nick, I think Margaret might need the afternoon off.

-It's Karren!

-She's acting a bit weird.

Oh, Sheila, I've got to lose some weight soon.

Get away! You're just skin and bone, love.

No, seriously, I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

Why, Sandra, what has happened?

-You know I've booked that photographer to do mine and John's wedding?

-Yeah.

He's got to use a special sort of camera to make sure he fits us it all into the same shot.

That's not that bad, Sandra.

-What sort of camera is it?

-Google Earth.

THEY CHUCKLE

Yes, that is quite bad.

And welcome to the 2010 World's Strongest Roo competition.

Let's meet the competitors.

From Australia, it's Chip "The Champ" Davey.

I am ripped. Look at my pecs. I'm one big hunk of kangaroo goodness.

I can't hold it much longer, come on, move on. Go to Hank.

From Canada, it's Hank "The Tank" Templeton.

OK, just relax, relax.

Hello, ladies. Tense!

That's great. Biceps. Look at my guns.

How was that? Was that good?

And from Austria, Kurt "The Hurt" Urls.

I can be strong or I can be thoughtful.

Yes, I have a great body but look into my eyes.

I'm also incredibly deep.

And from South Africa, Sean "The Brawn" Brown.

So, I stretched leg up.

Stretch, stretch, stretch.

Blimey, that's good.

Oh, no, I forgot my pants. Forgot my little black pants.

I'm an idiot.

Coming up after the break, these kangaroos will lift things.

So, he's the new boss then.

-Funny name. How's it spelt?

-Guido.

G for gormless,

U for useless,

I for insipid,

D for donkey

-and O for "Oh, give me strength".

-Oh, right.

So he's a lovely bloke, yeah?

No. He is a proper plank.

I can't stand him.

Seamus, Seamus. Look at this.

-Heaven help us.

-Seamus, it's the regal dance of the Cossack.

As rich as a piece of Russian cultural life

as the plays of Chekhov or the music of Prokofiev

and master of the streets of St Petersburg by me.

Is it not exactly the same as your other dances?

What?! Sure, look at my feet - it's totally different.

I pity you sometimes, Seamus.

I'm wrecked. Take me home.

Oh, Jane, they're outside again,

hanging around, hogging our weeds like they own up the whole clearing.

Really, Roger, they're not doing anything. Don't get so stressed.

-Doesn't bother you?

-No, Roger.

-Well, it bothers me. I'm going to have a word.

-Fine.

-I am.

-Good, well go on then.

I'm going. Hey, guys.

Hey. I was just sort of wondering, you know, if it's cool,

if you could just leave a few weeds, er, or not.

Mi casa, su casa and all that. That would be lovely, though.

Yeah. Whatever works for you. Ciao. Nice to talk to you. Bye.

Well, I think we'll have no more trouble from that lot.

Really, Roger? What happened.

I was like, "Get off my land." They were like, "No way, man."

I said, "Don't push me, guys, I do tae kwon do." They were like, "No, we won't do it again."

"I see you round here again, I'll not be responsible."

They were like, "You taught us a lesson. Thanks." One of 'em cried.

-It's a lie, isn't it?

-Yeah.

You didn't say any of those things, did you, pet?

-No.

-No. Would you like a cuddle?

Yes, please.

Karen, Karen!

It's only a Lancaster Bomber, love. Oh, pride of the fleet.

The rivet work is a joy to behold.

When he said he was going to show me the Great Plains,

this isn't what I had in mind.

You are ruining this holiday for me, love.

HUMS ALONG TO INSTRUMENTAL SECTION OF "Africa" by Toto

# Hurry, boy, it's waiting there for you

# It's going to take... #

Hey!

I'm here. Thank God. You've come to rescue me.

Thank you so much.

I thought I was going to die out here. I've been stranded for 40 days all by myself.

Well, not ALL by myself - there were other goats in the party.

But they went searching for help.

I don't think you'll find them, so I wouldn't bother looking.

Just forget them. I didn't eat them, all right?

It's not like that film, Alive, where the football team turn cannibals

and even if I had eaten them, what's wrong with that?

I was hungry.

They might have tasted really good, but I didn't eat them, so there.

HE BURPS LOUDLY

Now I'm full. Not because I ate them, at all.

No, no, I'm full on, er...air.

Hey, hey, don't leave me. I didn't eat them!

All right. Fine, OK, I did eat them.

Seamus, Seamus, I've just been to an all-night rave.

Oh, no, here we go.

It was great. It took place in an abandoned warehouse.

It was the best night of my life.

The dancing was all new but I picked it up in no time. Look at me.

Big fish, little fish, cardboard box.

Big box, small box, cardboard fish.

So, pretty much the same as all your other dances.

Not at all, Seamus. Can you not see it's got boxes and fishes in it?

I'm battered. Take me home. I've been up all night.

-Sid.

-What?

Sid.

Oh, no, it's my conscience.

This is your...conscience.

-I ain't done nothing.

-That's not strictly true though, is it, Sid?

-What?

Last Thursday at 16.34, you stood in the ten items or less checkout. You clearly had more than ten items.

No, it was two-for-one on French-bread pizzas.

-I was only one over.

-11 is not ten though, is it? Selfish.

-Oh, no.

-A-ha!

It is selfish, though - does my head right in.

Later tonight, a drama premiere

in association with Gill-ett Mackerel 3,

the best a fish can get.

A disturbing new case for...

Turnbull.

Look at this crime scene.

I must have missed something.

There's fin prints everywhere.

If only these grains of sand could talk.

DCI Turnbull, Ken Lewis from the Mail.

-Any closer to making an arrest?

-Get lost!

-Just a few questions.

-You're contaminating the crime scene.

-Have you identified a body?

I've just told you, get lost.

What don't you get?

For the first time in history, a fish has drowned.

And it's freaking everybody out.

Fire in the the hole.

LAUGHTER

-CHANTS:

-My bubbles, your troubles.

Grow up, will you?

-That's just wrong.

-He's a legend.

MUSIC: PAN PIPE VERSION OF "La Isla Bonita" by Madonna

Tip top, man.

So, now you've found nursey wife Maureen, I daresay a son will follow. Carry on the family name.

Kiddywinks. Boarding school, Alistair.

Up at six, bowl of porridge, few hymns, Latin, game of rugger,

trigonometry, more rugger, come from Eton, debagging from the prefects,

spotted dick, custard, more Latin, lights out, midnight feast.

-That's the life. Surely it won't go to boarding school till he's about three.

-Correct, Alastair.

I understand the first years are up all night,

goo-goo, ga-ga, milk, rusk, colourful mobile above a crib,

soothing lullaby, goo-ga-ga, potty full,

"Look, a puppy!", popper buttons on the undercarriage, nasty rash,

"Hello, Daddy, I can talk now."

Sounds a bit of a bore, old bean.

I'll probably go on safari until he leaves for school so Maureen can concentrate on him.

That's very good of you, Arnold.

-Give and take, Alastair, the secret of a happy marriage.

-Tip top, man.

Pele, Kaka, Kaka, Kaka,

Kaka, Kaka...

CHEERING

Goaaaaaaaal!

Braziiiiiil!

MUSIC PLAYS

Be lucky.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]