Paul Merton and Nicholas Parsons: Me & Arthur Haynes

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you very much, lovely to see you on this very cold night,

but we have a great show for you.

You have to be a certain age to remember Arthur Haynes.

I am. Looking around, I can see most of you remember him!

I remember him as a child,

he was a very popular comedian, ITV's biggest comedian.

His television show was extremely popular

and ran for ten years in a prime-time slot.

Let's look at him in action.

All sat down, then?

Well, dig in.

I should get in if I were you before it all goes.

What are you looking at that for?

Actually, I was wondering what to do with it.

LAUGHTER

Don't you know?

Oh, yes, rather, of course.

Have you got a pin on you?

You are not going to stick a pin in your winkle, are you?

I thought that was the custom.

-Can I give you a...

-Thank you.

They have brought out some new things, look.

Sort that lot out.

BANGING

I really am getting rather concerned

about your wife lying up there unattended.

Oughtn't somebody to go up there?

Get on with your winkle.

If we went up every time she started knocking,

we'd be up and down those stairs like yoyos.

Oh, God, you're absolutely stunning, you know.

It is the fifth attack she has had this week.

Have you no idea what causes it?

-Oh, we do.

-You do. What is it?

Gin.

Ladies and gentlemen, Arthur Haynes

was part of a great comedy partnership.

Let's meet the other half now.

Welcome to the stage, Nicholas Parsons.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, you are more than kind.

Welcome.

Take a seat.

That is the first time you have shaken me by the hand.

We don't do it in Just A Minute.

The first time I did, I lost my watch.

These chairs are terribly uncomfortable.

They are orthopaedic.

Yours aren't going back that much.

Yours is orthopaedic.

Cos of the age.

We got it from a Sweeney Todd musical, I don't know what happens...

Release the trap door!

I will kick it in a minute.

We had a brief glimpse of you and Arthur in a sketch.

The Arthur Haynes Show was tremendously successful.

Yes. It evolved slowly, it began incredibly modestly

and was a disaster to begin with.

It is one of those magical showbusiness things.

-We have some fine examples of the partnership.

-Right.

Excuse me, sir? Can I help you?

I am looking for a bloke called Nickel-arse.

You mean Nicholas, don't you? I am Nicholas.

You are Nickel-arse, are you?

Are you Nickel-arse the Tailor?

What do you want, sir?

I want to buy a suit for humping coal in.

You have come to the wrong shop.

You're a tailor, aren't you?

You make suits? I haven't come to the wrong shop then.

I hardly think we have a suit that might be suitable

for humping coal in, if you don't mind me saying.

I'll be the judge of that.

Get me some material, and nothing this colour, it shows the dirt!

Oh, this is a day and a half.

I've had it this morning.

That looks nice.

Lovely, innit?

Anchovies on toast, a couple of mince pies, some ham,

chicken, gherkins, orange.

That's funny, that's what I usually have.

LAUGHTER

What have you got?

Are a couple of bits of dried-up old bread and jam.

That's funny.

That's what I usually have.

I loved the bit that you do with the roll and the sandwich

and you just look at it and just allow the audience

to see what you are thinking.

We did have more time.

Comedy was slower in those days and we lingered on these things.

Part of the success of the partnership was I took the role

of what became the straight man,

I did not know I was going to be the straight man.

This package indicates how you started your professional careers.

Arthur grew up in Hammersmith, West London,

and by 30 had worked as a painter and decorator and on the buses.

But he also had a great singing voice

and earned himself some extra cash by performing in the local pubs.

This tough training ground helped him break into Charlie Chester's

wartime entertainment group, Stars in Battledress.

THEY SING

We welcome you to Stand Easy

where cheerful Charlie and the happy gang and the Stars in Battledress

are filming fun for all. The only thing out of bounds is the blues.

A young Nicholas Parsons was an unenthusiastic engineer

who longed for an acting career.

He left his job, followed his dream and landed some minor film roles.

May I see your passport, please?

-Come again?

-Your passport.

-My passport, why didn't you say so?

-Thank you very much.

Is it Miss Lamar?

Uh-huh.

What is the purpose of your visit to England?

To find a husband.

To add to his film and theatre credits he could by the mid-1950s

explore the increasing opportunities

in the new arena of television entertainment.

In 1955, Independent Television began,

and George Black was asked by one of the early companies to make

a new variety programme,

and he decided to take the title of his father's famous wartime show,

Strike A New Note,

which discovered lots of famous people.

He was going to discover the new and unknown stars

of independent television.

I was getting places and I wanted to be one of them but it didn't happen.

It went out in January 1956, I happened to see it

and it was terrible, it really was appalling.

Except for one person, Arthur Haynes.

He had terrible material but I thought he was quite good

on television.

I saw it again the following week,

and the following morning my agent phoned and said,

"Have you seen Strike A New Note?"

I said, "Yes, isn't it pathetic?"

He said, "They want you to join it."

And I said, "When do I start?"

You don't argue in showbusiness.

At the end of six shows, George got rid of everybody

and kept Arthur and myself,

saying, "I think you should do sketches together."

He changed the show to Get Happy,

we would get sketches from all the aspiring comedy writers,

sift through them and find the ones we wanted to do.

We took sketches from a writer called Johnny Speight,

who seemed to be the best.

It is good you mentioned him, we have Johnny Speight in his own words

describing his early days. Here he is.

Johnny Speight, later to become famous for Till Death Us Do Part,

wrote over 500 sketches for The Arthur Haynes Show.

He drew inspiration from his East-End background

and found the perfect vehicle for his ideas in this new ITV comedy show.

I suddenly had this bug to write.

It sounds very easy to say "I got this bug to write."

It is true, it started through Bernard Shaw.

He was alive in those days.

When he was alive, every day, there was some quote in a paper by him

and I thought he was a comic.

I thought he worked at the Palladium and I must catch him some time.

I tried to find a book to read one day and I saw all these books

by Bernard Shaw and I thought, "Christ, he writes as well."

I read them and it changed my life.

What did you do then?

I bought a typewriter.

I thought, I want to write.

Up until then...

After reading Shaw, it proved you could be anything you wanted to be

or you could try to be,

no matter where you started from. Background or birth did not matter.

A regular device of his was to create confrontation

by putting his protagonists in a confined space

and watching the sparks fly.

-Excuse me, is this the Woking train?

-Yes, that's right.

The fellow said it was, but you can't always trust them.

This seat is not taken?

None of those seats are taken.

That's good, we'll have the carriage to ourselves.

It will give us the chance to spread out.

One thing about it, we won't get bothered in here.

That is the worst of travelling by train,

you never know who you'll have to share with.

You buy a first-class ticket but nobody wants to be bothered.

Doesn't stop people getting bothered, does it?

Does it?

No, it doesn't.

There is not much chance of getting bothered in here,

that is why I travel first class.

You meet a different type of person.

I always buy first class, but it does not stop people bothering you.

Could to try to keep quiet?

I've bought a first-class ticket, come into a first-class compartment,

I feel like I am entitled to a little privacy and quiet.

If that is the way you feel, I will keep quiet.

That's what I want.

-I can keep as quiet as anybody on this train.

-Good.

-If I want to be quiet, I can be quiet.

-Be quiet!

I'd tell you what I will do, I won't say another word.

I'll just keep quiet.

-How's that?

-SHUT UP!

Johnny could often be spotted as an extra in his own sketches.

Here he is playing a man who has had a few too many down the pub.

Hey, you!

-Are you all right?!

-BANG

Are you all right? Come on.

Don't just stand there, give me a hand.

-What's the matter?

-He's had an accident.

-Get an ambulance.

-We don't want an ambulance!

-What has happened?

-An accident.

-Did you get the number of the car?

-WXP 46.

WXP 46. What was the colour of the car?

Green.

Lots of Johnny's sketches had an element of satire

that still rings true today.

See if this paranoid Chancellor reminds you of anyone.

I say, that's another one that has drawn up outside now.

What, next door?

-He is right outside the Prime Minister's house.

-Who is it?

I don't know. I can't see.

Well, whoever it is has gone inside and left his car outside.

I'm sure there's a party going on in there this evening.

That's the fifth car that's pulled up this evening.

I'm darned sure there's a party going on in there.

There seems to be a hell of a lot of people in there.

I can hear their voices.

Can you hear anything?

Well, I can hear the voices but not what they're saying.

These walls are so damned thick!

LAUGHTER

Wonderful, we get to see a bit of the class element that you talked about

in Johnny Speight's writing.

Johnny was a great political animal, he was influenced by Bernard Shaw.

He loved bringing politics into his sketches.

Arthur hated it.

He said, "Johnny, cut out the politics, mate."

He got nervous of it.

He didn't want the public to see him taking sides.

Comedians were more nervous then of being seen as

-left-wing or right-wing.

-Absolutely.

But Johnny had this thing and we used to have conversations about it.

He was definitely a socialist, and Arthur was that way.

I was a middle-of-the-road Liberal, but it didn't matter.

We all spoke the same professional language.

It was very exciting.

It's a product of the 1950s, that period after the war,

the age of austerity, and people were questioning

-the deference to authority, weren't they?

-Not only that.

We went into the '60s and they were a very exciting time.

The Wolfenden Report came in, making homosexuality...

Compulsory? LAUGHTER

It was repealed after a year because

a lot of people said it was giving them backache!

It was no longer a crime.

That's what we were trying to say.

And then you had The Beatles.

But there was also new comedy.

People were pushing the boundaries, you had The Goons,

Galton and Simpson, and Tony Hancock.

All kinds of people were doing wonderful things.

And Johnny Speight.

We have some examples here of the authority figure

being questioned by the common man.

It's you and Arthur at your finest.

Shop!

And what do you two want?

-We come in answer to the advert.

-What advert?

On the television about the Specials.

What about the Specials?

We want to join.

What, you and...

him?

Yeah, me and him.

You're joking!

I always wanted to be in the police force, haven't I?

That's right, and me.

And we saw the television advert, said you was short of labour,

and thought we would volunteer.

We may be short, in fact we are short,

but we are not taking any old rubbish.

Hey!

I'm not old rubbish.

I'm not any old rubbish.

I like the way he says he isn't taking any old rubbish.

What I've seen of the police force is nothing but rubbish.

-What is that?

-A penny.

-What do you want?

-Two ha'ppenies.

Oh, you're very funny. Take it back.

You are a bank, aren't you?

-You know very well we are a bank.

-Well, change that then.

We don't offer changing facilities

except for customers who have accounts here.

In that case we'll open an account.

What with?

Blimey, that's a larf.

I bet you haven't got two ha'pennies between you.

We will have once we've changed that penny!

Johnny always delivered sketches late.

We would start rehearsing on a Monday, record on a Thursday.

Sometimes by Tuesday we didn't have the last sketch.

Our producer would be phoning Johnny to find out

and Connie, his wife, would always say, "He's in the bath."

He didn't write the sketches in the bath.

I don't know what he was doing, on the loo or what.

But one week he said, "I've given Johnny an ultimatum.

"I only have two flats, one has a door in it,

"some tables and chairs -

"write a sketch around that by tomorrow morning."

And it arrived!

Johnny wrote wonderfully under pressure.

Arthur and I read through it and we would do it.

Of all the authority figures you played in the Arthur Haynes series,

perhaps the one that recurs more than any other is the vicar.

Before we talk about that,

I've got a couple of examples here I would like you to see.

Thank goodness it's warmer in here than it is outside.

There we are, my sweet.

What did you think of the play tonight, darling?

Wonderful, absolutely marvellous.

He's a great writer, Bernard Shaw, isn't he?

And Heartbreak House was one of the best plays.

If we had a burglar here, what would you do?

-Let him go free or call the police?

-Call the police!

No, no. I hope I would be sufficiently Christian

to see the chap go free.

You have to realise even a burglar is a fellow creature.

That's very, very kind of you.

Who the devil are you?!

I'm the fellow creature you were just talking about.

Hear him out. It won't do any harm and you never know,

we might find out why the poor soul sank to crime.

It was my 25 kids, madam.

Your 25 children?

Me and my missus are poor people and we have no comforts.

I thought a bit of food,

that's all I would pinch, a little bit of food, that's all, love.

Poor man. It is a tragic shame.

Just give me a few quid to help me on me way. That would do me.

Well, all right, I will give you a pound.

Well, that's not much between 27 of us, is it?

I mean, that's less than a tanner each, isn't it?

Look, I will tell you what I'll do,

I will give you £2 - that's all I can afford.

-Thank you very much.

-Put it somewhere safe.

I hope you will spend it on the children.

I will, sir, the 25 of them. That's very kind of you.

RATTLING

I thought you only broke in here for food.

We've got to have something to eat it with.

CAROLLING

You're very kind.

Happy Christmas.

That went well.

Very generous.

I'm sorry, vicar. I thought it was those carol singers!

Nicholas, tell me about Johnny Speight.

He was very keen on you playing vicars?

He wrote this wonderful sketch, the vicar and the tramp.

My producer said the powers that be said we can't do it,

it was censored.

They said you can't have a vicar in a comedy sketch.

Can you believe that nowadays?

I had this inspiration.

I said, "probably what they think is

"we are going to send up vicars and the clergy

"like they do in that famous See How They Run.

"Why don't you get somebody here to look at the sketch

"to see that we are playing it as a sincere vicar?"

So the power of the comedy is that the vicar has to be

a believable, straight vicar, not a comedy vicar?

She came to look at the sketch and said, "Brilliant. OK."

We'd made a breakthrough.

We were suddenly allowed to make comedy sketches with vicars in them.

From then on Johnny Speight went mad and had so many vicars...

He said to me once... His language was quite flowery.

He said, "I love writing those sketches

"because you make a f... very good vicar."

And thank you for cleaning that up!

He said, "You've got a vicar's face." I suppose I have.

Yes, there is an air of innocence and goodness that emanated from you.

Certainly then. I don't know about now.

But there is. You are good casting for a vicar.

Working with you, it hasn't faded.

We did a lot of vicars.

We've glimpsed elements of the supporting cast

that you and Arthur worked with in the show.

Here they are.

The show used a small number of regulars,

mainly actors who had been in Johnny Speight's theatre productions.

Dermot Kelly played Arthur's partner in mischief and fellow tramp, Irish.

You are supposed to be innocent until proved guilty.

Whenever I come into contact with the law,

they tell the magistrate that I'm guilty, that it was me.

-They swore that it was me.

-And was it you?

Oh yes, it was me all right.

Leslie Noyes seemed to get a few lines in almost every episode.

-I'm your uncle Les.

-You were my dad's brother.

And you and my dad had another brother. Called what?

-George.

-And what was Uncle George to me? My Uncle...

-George!

Tell him who he was.

-He was his uncle George.

-Really.

Pat Hayes was often a battleaxe

or downtrodden wife or drunken lady tramp.

How are you?

Blimey, what have you been drinking?

-Bottle bottoms.

-What?

-Bottle bottoms.

I know a lovely big house where they have lots of parties.

When they put the bottles out I go round

and I've got something lovely in here.

I will tell you what I've made.

Gin, brandy, sherry, vodka,

port, cider, bo-jelly,

champagne and beer.

-Is it strong?

-Oh, it's strong.

It's more like a punch, you see.

I thought it was strong, the way your hat kept falling off!

Rita Webb as a general harridan or blousey landlady

was always formidable.

Coming into my house and bathing with strange men?

Oh! How dare you!

I know your sort. You might look cold on top,

but you're as hot as all the rest underneath!

There were many bit parts for aspiring actors,

again mates of Johnny Speight.

This role as a burglar was a favour from Speight

to the then little-known East End lad Michael Caine.

You are not in the game, are you?

Stop pointing the knife at me or I will belt you with this jemmy.

-Are you in the game?

-I've been in the game 35 years.

I'm one of the governors of the game, I am.

I've only clocked you, that's all.

You're crafty Arthur from the basin.

-Tidal basin 53.

-How do you know?

You know my dad, Jimmy the Lad.

You did porridge with him.

I'll learn you tricks of the trade if you treat me to twist.

You're on. Ready? Go.

Here's Anthony Booth, Cherie Blair's dad

and soon-to-be Scouse git in Johnny Speight's Till Death Us Do Part.

I'm looking for a Mr Kelly.

A Mr Dermot Kelly.

Which one is it?

What do you want to know for?

Because he's my father. Me mother sent me to find him.

This was one of the first TV appearances

for young Wendy Richard in 1962.

Hey, hey, hey!

Turn that off.

-Your mother wants to know if you're coming down the pub with us.

-No.

In that case, can she have her hair back?

LAUGHTER

We saw there... Let's talk about some of the people we were looking at.

We saw Dermot Kelly. What nationality was he?

LAUGHTER

I'm glad you are so observant, Paul.

Dermot only came in later. He wasn't there in the beginning.

Johnny was running out of ideas so he introduced a second tramp.

It was a wonderful partnership. Dermot was a delightful character.

He was a serious actor.

Johnnie first met him in a play he wrote called The Knacker's Yard.

He introduced him but Dermot could never

get the words in his head on time.

Arthur never liked rehearsing much, always wanted to get home.

Dermot has an uneasy relationship with the script, do you feel?

It's obvious.

He was such an instinctive actor, he'd be struggling for his words

but made it part of the performance.

"No, no, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what...

"I think maybe...

"That's what they were thinking I was saying"

One of the regular features of the show was the musical spot.

Different people filled that spot over the years.

Here is just a selection.

It is really lovely to be here on the show with Arthur.

I'm a real big fan of his, as I'm sure you are.

-# Hear

-my

-song

-# Vi

-o

-let

-to

-# Hear

-my

-song

# Beneath the moon. #

# Fly me to the moon And let me play among the stars

# Let me know what spring is like On Jupiter and Mars... #

# Do you love me?

# Do you love me?

# Now that I can dance... #

# I feel like climbing a mountain I feel ten feet tall

# I'll do most anything

# If you say that you want me to

# Cos you do things to me

# Yes, you do things to me... #

-Oh...

-Ooh...

THEY SING STACCATO

HE HARMONISES

# I wander the streets and the gay, crowded places

# I try to forget you But somehow it seems

# That my thoughts ever stray to our last sweet embraces

# Over the sea on the island of dreams... #

They ain't got the ear for a good tune.

Now it is all about The Rolling Stones.

Thank you very much, we are going to do a slow one now.

It is called, You'd Better Move On.

# Would you ask me to give up the hand of the girl I love?

# Would you tell me I'm not the man she's worthy of?

# But who are you to tell her who to know?

# That's up to her.

# Yes, and the Lord above.

# You'd better move on... #

-# Hear

-my

-song

THEY SING STACCATO

-# Hear my song

-Beneath

-# The...

-moon. #

Interesting seeing The Rolling Stones, clearly Keith Richard

was out of it even then.

That was one of their first television appearances.

When we became successful in the mid-60s

we had fallen into the format of doing a mini variety show.

One week we had The Rolling Stones.

They had a fetish at the time of not washing.

Apparently it appealed to the girls.

I don't know where the appeal was because these unwashed bodies

in the studio were quite surprising.

-Really?

-Yes.

You had to have quite a strong nose to cope with it.

You mention...

I think they have grown out of it now, don't worry.

I would hate the BBC to be brought down on this single issue!

The shows were recorded at the Hackney Empire?

To begin with.

What was the setup?

They took the stalls out,

the cameras were where the stalls would be

and the dress circle was where the audience was.

ATV took the Hackney Empire and the Wood Green Empire.

The reason I asked is that there is a rather unusual beginning to one of

the shows, perhaps we should see that first?

Nice to have your back with us, and what a night to pick.

The foggiest night for 10 years and we pick it to start our series.

Nice to see you back and we should applaud our audience for coming out

on a night like this. Let's give a round of applause to the audience.

1, 2, 3, 6...14.

No, there are 15.

No, that is the post.

You were embarking on this recording, the first of the series.

We were recording and there was a terrible fog, used to call them

peasoupers in the early '60s and late '50s.

Arthur and I, I don't know who has suggested, said let's go out and

establish the fact that we only have a small audience.

We completely improvised and did it.

You mention the ability to improvise, particularly when it was foggy.

We have some examples of improvisation.

I think you are talking rubbish.

I think you're talking complete piffle.

This hospital has got a rotten reputation, a very bad reputation.

How? It's a fine hospital.

It is all the students, a beginner's hospital.

I beg your pardon?

I didn't quite hear what you said.

I said it is full of students.

Oh, students, I couldn't quite catch it.

It is a training hospital, one of the finest in the country.

They've got to learn somewhere.

They are learning on you.

But you seem to forget that some of the finest Harley Street surgeons

come to this hospital to practise.

They come down to practise on you, mate.

They wouldn't practise on their own patients in the West End.

They come down to practise on you, yes.

I know.

-Take it from me.

-LAUGHTER

Mr Haynes, might I suggest you swallow that before you continue?

I will try.

We do not bung this money in our pockets.

Somebody's bunging it somewhere. I'm not getting it.

It's not bunged, this money is spent on the nation.

I am part of the nation and nobody is spending it on me.

Look at my suit, I am a war hero.

I've fought for my country, up to my nuck in meck and bullets.

-Up to your what?

-You heard.

That sounds a most unfortunate predicament.

I have never been in a worse one.

How do you think I will begin to find the person who has stolen 4p?

Put roadblocks up.

We are not putting roadblocks up for 4p.

You don't have to, because I know where we had it stolen from.

-You do?

-Last night in the mission hut.

-In the mission hut?

-You need to send one of your CI...blokes around

-to the mission hut.

-One of our what blokes?

Get onto The Times.

Certainly, what would you wish to say?

Put an advertursement in, will you?

You know what an advertursement is, don't you?

-Indeed I do.

-Don't stand there grinning, put one in.

Tell them I want a new butler.

I was just approving of your subtle humour, my lord.

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Do you know what to say?

I was about to ask you, my lord.

What do you wish to say in your advertisement?

Just tell them I would like a new butler, would you?

My lord has no need for that.

-Why not?

-I am your butler.

-Are you?

-Oh, well, you have saved me a lot of bother.

Just watching you, you still really enjoy watching those clips.

You two are going out on television and being watched by millions,

and at that moment neither of you knows what the next line is.

No.

THEY CHUCKLE

-But you don't panic.

-No.

This is a strange and delightful, wonderful thing.

You had confidence in each other. We could carry each other through.

We never discussed it, we just knew that if anything went wrong we could

waffle our way out of it. I was usually the first to go.

When something goes, you are tense and you start to giggle.

We did send each other up.

If he fluffed, I would say, "What did you say?",

and he would do the same to me.

When you see it again, it is tremendous fun to watch.

The audience loved it. The viewers, they waited for those moments,

but you had to cover and keep going.

Nowadays those things would be cut out and sent to a programme

that shows It'll Be Alright On The Night, but we carried on.

There is a great deal of trust between you.

You get the feeling sometimes if he is not sure of the lines, you can supply them?

I think you develop a professional trust.

He knew instinctively that I would carry the words in my head,

I have a good memory anyway. Arthur had a good memory,

but he did not enjoy rehearsing. He came from music hall and variety,

I came from the theatre, and I learned the words,

and having a good memory I carried all the words.

And he wanted to get home and do his DIY, which he loved doing.

He was always poshing up his house.

We never discussed it, interestingly, but he always knew that if he dried,

I would help him out. He'd look at me.

You could tell in his eyes that he was looking for a feed,

and I would feed him his line.

He would look back at me and say, "That was the very word I was searching for.

"You put that word right into my mouth. How did I know you were..."

It was an amazing situation, once. A journalist wrote, "Arthur Haynes

"has got the greatest televisual face, when he looks at his straight man

"Nicholas Parsons with that wonderful moonbeam look of his, you can read

"oceans of meaning on what he's trying to convey."

All he was trying to convey was, "What is my next line?"

LAUGHTER

I want to pick you up on that, that is a good point about the trust between you,

there is a sketch I want to look at, then there is a story

I want you to tell me.

This is a sketch with Arthur and Nicholas, the barber shop sketch.

-You're new around here.

-Yes. I am a stranger in these parts.

-You're not local?

-No, not at all.

You never been in this saloon before?

-No, I haven't.

-I didn't think you had.

-Why?

When you asked me to shave you.

What do you mean?

Most of the locals prefer old George to shave them.

Why do they prefer George?

He has a much steadier hand.

A steadier hand?

He's a bit more stolid than I am.

-Stolid?

-My trouble is I am full of imagination, you know?

As soon as I get one of these in my hand, it goes. Look at that.

Every time I hold a razor for the first time, it goes...

Look at my hand shaking.

You're not going to shave me with your hand like that?

It will go off in a minute, you're not in a hurry, are you?

I'd rather have someone else. Couldn't old George shave me?

I don't know, he's only just started a haircut,

-he'll be a while.

-Haven't you someone else?

The Governor could shave you, I suppose.

Why can't the Governor?

I don't like to ask him in case he wants to know why I can't shave you myself.

You will have to tell him, I'm sure he'll understand.

I don't think he will, if he finds out every time I pick a razor up

my hand shakes. He'll want to get rid of me.

It's not good for customers.

Naturally, but I don't wish you to shave me with your hand shaking.

It won't be for long.

I'll take a couple of sedatives, if you can wait.

LAUGHTER

GLASS CLATTERS

-That's it.

-That's it?

-Marvellous.

-Are you sure?

I'm all right now. Don't shout. Keep calm.

I'm very nervous.

You're nervous?!

Get your head back.

You have nothing to worry about.

Are you ready?

Wait! Wait! What do you think you're doing?

I have to work fast before the pills wear off!

LAUGHTER

That sketch, that was a TV version, but you did it live as well?

Yes.

I hadn't done a summer season with Arthur, it was 1961 and he went

to Blackpool, to Winter Gardens.

One night he said to me, "Listen, I've been thinking" - and we always

used to have a drink after and analyse the show. He said, "Do you

"know, we worked so many bits of business into that sketch,

"I think we could do it without any dialogue.

"All you have to do is say the opening line and then we go into the mime."

The following night I arrived at the theatre,

we came to the barber sketch, and he suddenly went into it.

And I thought, you're doing it!

Into the mime version?

Yes, without discussing it.

So I just responded and we suddenly did this in mime.

Afterwards I grabbed him, he said, wasn't that funny?

This is what you know so much about, with your silent clowns.

This brings me neatly to the next bit, before the culture of health and safety.

If you think health and safety is wrapping us up in cotton wool,

you might look at these bits and think, maybe it's not so bad.

LAUGHTER

I want to make sure it's gas.

But that's dangerous. What do you think you're doing?

What do you mean?

Oh, it is gas.

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-That's dangerous.

-What?

What do you think you're doing?

No, it's all right, it's our tea break.

I've got time to make my phone call then?

-Yes. I don't think you'll hear anything though.

-Why not?

He makes more noise with a kettle than a drill.

KETTLE RATTLES

I believe he's made crepe Suzettes for some of the best known people.

I'm sure he has.

I always think it's such fun having something prepared

right under your nose like this.

-Marvellous.

-It's part of the fun of coming out, I always say.

I say, darling, wouldn't it be fun if you had one of those things

-at home and made them at the table.

-I'll try.

-You must watch it all.

-All right.

-Then you'll learn something.

LAUGHTER

THEY PUFF

I say, would you sooner have cheese?

Nicholas, I have to ask you, how much of that was rehearsed?

None of it. I was improvising

and he said keep it going while I make the crepe Suzette.

He just improvised the whole thing.

This brings me to the nature of the straight man, and the role of

the straight man in a comedy partnership.

We have a couple of examples here which illustrate the point.

What do you want from Father Christmas, Harold?

-A train set.

-A big electric train set, don't you, son?

You just write out a note and put it up the chimney and we'll see

if Father Christmas can bring you an electric train set.

What is he winking at me for then?

What are you winking for?

Well, you're going to give him an electric train set, aren't you?

I can't afford to buy him an electric train set for Christmas,

not on what I earn.

Well, Harold, perhaps there is something else you would like from

Father Christmas, something not quite so expensive.

Not quite so expensive, eh?

What does he keep winking for? What you winking for?

Well, just a minute, Harold. Will you just stand over there?

What are you going to give him for Christmas?

-Me?

-Yes, you.

I'm not going to give him anything for Christmas.

-Nothing?

-Nothing.

He never gives him nothing for Christmas, he relies on you,

and you've never brought him nothing yet!

I see that child with my own eyes, he writes that note each year

and pokes it up the chimney and you never bring him nothing.

-Nothing?

-You've never brought him a thing.

Look, I'm not the real Father Christmas, you know?

I'm an actor.

I'm dressed up as Father Christmas. It's a job I do every year.

Every year I come to this store and dress as Father Christmas -

it's a job. Every year.

That's marvellous isn't it, love?

This is the society that we're now living in.

A fully grown man, mate, is going to ruin that boy's mind for the sake of

a few shillings.

What's the trouble here?

This man seems to think for some reason

that I'm the real Father Christmas.

Well, excuse me, what have you got written on your window?

You said, "Come and see Father Christmas for 5 shillings."

That's what you've said, "Father Christmas".

Yes, we have got Father Christmas.

-You have?

-Yes, sir.

-Well, where is he?

We want to see him. I want to see him.

I want to get him an electric train set for Christmas.

This is Father Christmas.

No, he's an out of work actor, he just told us, mate.

These people have paid their 5 shillings to see Father Christmas.

If I want to see an actor I go to the theatre.

I don't have to come here. And I can see better actors...

Quiet!

LAUGHTER

Tell me about the character you adopt in a lot of these sketches

with Arthur and how possessive was he about gag lines?

No. He was very fair about that.

Some comedians like to have all the lines, and if anybody

is feeding them, as we call it, they don't get any laughs at all.

In fact, poor Tony Hancock, who was brilliant, but he slowly got rid of

-all the people who got the laughs.

-He got worried about that.

-Yes.

Arthur was fair and generous about that.

He said, "Listen, the gag lines are mine, aren't they?"

I said, "Of course."

He said, "I don't mind how many laughs you get on character.

"Lovely. It helps the sketch."

He never minded. I would characterise.

I'm the different characters, the fellow at the DHSS or the doctor

or whatever. They are all different.

We talked about being a figure of the establishment, but it was an acting performance I gave.

I was always a character.

I used my acting experience to play these different characters -

doctors, lawyers or whatever.

I believe it gave Arthur more to bounce off as a comic.

It did take it in another direction.

It is interesting - nowadays, you don't get a team where you have

the straight man, the foil, like Armstrong and Jones.

Armstrong and Miller.

Armstrong and Jones never really got anywhere!

LAUGHTER

I love working with you.

Smith and Miller weren't much better, to be honest.

Thank you for helping me out. This is what would happen with Arthur.

We'd get it wrong, then help each other out.

You made a virtue out of it. As you say, a very popular comedy partnership.

Let's look at some of the coverage from the 1960s.

Ladies and gentlemen, Arthur Haynes!

HE MOUTHS

HE MOUTHS

'Arthur Haynes demonstrates his skill as an elephant boy,

'and Nicholas Parsons with his ever-ready smile.'

It's great fun being a comedian, but the way I feel now is no laughing matter.

-I'm right out of sorts.

-PHONE RINGS

-Excuse me.

Hello? Hollywood!

Hello, Arthur, what's the matter?

I'm really under the weather.

Does your head ache, is your tummy upset?

That's right. Can you help?

'You bet! Just watch.'

Alka-Seltzer, that's the way for speedy relief.

Good old Speedy. I feel wonderful.

'The story of the chicken and the egg at the show at Olympia.

'Nicholas Parsons with a mynah bird who won the contest.

'Name of Ted, after Tory leader Ted Heath.'

'Arthur Haynes, in the only title role that's got whiskers on it.

'The collection will now be taken.'

'It was truly a star-studded gathering.

'Patrick Wymark and Nicholas Parsons,

'Harry Secombe introduced the wrestling foursome.

'Those top TV toughs Mick McManus and Steve Logan

'versus Nicholas Parsons and...'

'This is more all-in than any wrestling we've ever seen!'

LAUGHTER It is like watching Buster Keaton.

It's wonderful.

-That gives an indication of how famous you'd become.

-Yes.

It really had become the top thing.

When he became successful he was aware of his success, but he was

very down to earth, very easy to work with.

You see that in his face. A sort of cheerful...

You haven't got another chair, have you, for the rest of the show?

The trap door won't work!

LAUGHTER Can you remember the first time you realised that you had

become famous, when somebody spotted you in the street?

No, you never think like that. I never did.

I had a young family.

The wonderful thing about working with Arthur, because he didn't

rehearse much, I'd get home early and be with the children.

It was lovely. You don't think like that.

You never think, "I'm famous."

Do you ever think that?

Well, I suppose when people notice you in the street a bit, but you don't think about it.

No. I was aware it was successful and I was thrilled with its success.

-You never think like that.

-It was a huge hit here.

You did The Ed Sullivan Show in America a couple of times.

That's right. We went there for one visit but we did six or seven shows.

It was incredibly successful.

The last visit to The Ed Sullivan Show, you weren't involved in.

But I want to see this because this is Arthur working in full colour.

GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

DRUM ROLL

LAUGHTER

Ahoy!

It is doing perhaps the old-fashioned variety stuff,

but it is a nice contrast to what we've seen.

He was back doing the pantomime stuff then.

This happened just after Arthur decided we should separate

and go our different ways.

This is after ten years together. What was his thinking?

We were doing summer season at Scarborough, and we always

had a drink afterwards.

He said, "Mate, I think we should separate".

I said, "What do you mean?"

He said, "I think we should go our separate ways."

'Any future plans for Nicholas and Arthur to work together again

'ended when in 1966 Arthur died from a heart attack.

'Sadly, his fame died with him

'and his shows were rarely to be seen again on television.'

It is all very sad, actually, because he was only 52.

It was very sad.

So do you think if Arthur hadn't had died, you think you would have got

-back together again?

-Absolutely. No doubt about it.

I loved working with him. I was very fond of him.

Reminded of it, I feel I was privileged not only to be part of that partnership and

working with a supreme performer.

I have such happy memories of the time.

It is amazing to think you were part of a process of breaking new ground

in comedy.

It's life-affirming, the fact that it still works as well as it did in the '60s.

Nicholas, it's been a pleasure to look at these clips with you.

You were part of a great comedy partnership that was hugely

successful on British television for ten years.

It was a wonderful evening to spend with you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Nicholas Parsons.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

I think I must respond to that because the audience have been so

warm and lovely and laughing at stuff which brought back so much nostalgia for me.

You have got such affection for the old comedy.

You are always so generous in the way you give out to people.

That's very kind of you, Nicholas. All I can do is agree with you.

LAUGHTER

I would have put it stronger myself!

I couldn't have done it without you, mate.

It's this bloody chair...

Let's finish off with a gallop through some of the best

of Arthur Haynes, Nicholas Parsons and supporting crew.

Oh, it's Arthur!

No, please. Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

I'm going to get him!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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