Peter Kay: 20 Years of Funny

Whoa, whoa! I can't have that.

I can't have that, no chance.

These lads are clearly blessed, eh?

Look at that. Amazing. Frightens me.

# Sha-la-la, lala-lalala

# Sha-la-la, lala-lalala

# Sha-la-la, lala-lalala... #

'This is Forever FM.'

When I first started, Peter was my hero,

like, he was the best.

Here we go.

Peter Kay is Peter Kay, is Peter Kay.

MUSIC: Mr Blue Sky by ELO

-He is a born entertainer.

-Thank you very much.

-You're welcome.

-How much is that?

-It's on the meter, mate.

-Here's ten.

-Thank you.

-Give us two quid change.

# The sun is shining in the sky... #

When you work with someone you're so close with and you love,

it's just the best feeling in the world.

It's spitting, it's spitting! Everybody in!

# Don't you know It's a beautiful new day... #

Everything about Peter is funny.

Peter has a way of making anybody laugh,

even when he says nothing at all.

When he's doing his stand-up, it's absolutely sublime.

He's one of the funniest men that you'll ever meet.

# Mr Blue Sky Please tell us why

# You had to hide away for so long

# So long Where did we go wrong? #

His mental agility and his knowledge of...

comedy is extraordinary.

I mean, he still buys his clothes from Asda.

In fact, now he's earning a few quid,

he gets the odd thing from Marks & Spencer's.

# Hey, you with the pretty face

# Welcome to the human race... #

He's got to be up there with the greats. He's got to be.

He's been doing it for long enough, that's for sure.

His knowledge and his desire to get things right,

it's kind of a passion for him.

The things I'm going to do to you.

He's very funny, he's very talented

and it was a privilege to work with him.

My mother-in-law loves Peter.

He's the most caring, loyal,

funny friend.

He just oozes funniness, doesn't he?

Bastard.

It's blue, Alan. It's blue! He's got me good.

Excuse me!

# Mr Blue, you did it right

# But soon comes Mr Night

# Creeping over

# Now his hand is on your shoulder

# Never mind I remember you this

# I remember you this way

# Mr Blue Sky Please tell us why... #

Garlic?

Where does Peter Kay sit...

And bread?

..in the pantheon of British comedy?

Above Cannon, beneath Ball.

Am I hearing you right?

It's like encountering Jesus Christ or something like that!

It this happening now?

Oh, right - I didn't realise this was happening!

-I thought we were pretending!

-It's good!

Let's make the programme. Let's make magic!

# Mr Blue Sky. #

I had a secret belief that I would be a comedian in the end, but, um...

I would never say it to anybody

because I'd be too shy,

like Kajagoogoo.

# You know how to squeeze me

# Whoa-oa

# You know how to please me

# Whoa-oa

# You don't make it easy. #

I can't remember there being a key moment in making people laugh,

I just felt it in class at school,

I just felt like it was more

interesting to make people laugh than to work.

Although I did try to work.

I always wanted to be out, me.

Be first out when the bell went.

You'd start packing everything away about two minutes before the bell.

Put everything back in my pencil case, really discreetly.

We'll still pretend I've got a pen, an imaginary pen, because they can't

see, cos someone's sat in front, so you pretend you're writing.

I've got a report from when I'm seven

from Mrs Deakin, saying,

"Peter likes nothing more than to amuse the children around him."

Put your coat on, really discreetly...

'All I was interested in was art and messing about.'

WAHEY!

Not in a bad way, like...setting fire to teachers.

I used to like teachers with amnesia.

Who do you think you are?

How old are you?

Where should you be now?

Do you know who I am?

But in those days, we weren't as sophisticated

a society to know that people had actual conditions

like ADHD or dyslexia or anything like that.

You just put them on a thick table.

Thick table, get on the thick table!

Jason Patel.

Paddy McGuinness? Thick table!

He'd always be writing stories. I always remember that,

cos I was the type of lad who used to like playing football on the

streets, whereas Peter used to stay in a lot and do stuff like that.

You'd go to his house, to his bedroom, he'd have loads of albums.

I'd never seen anything like it.

I'd sit with him and he'd start telling me

these stories he'd written and I used to get really into it.

Take a look at these.

Six years' work here, Patrick.

Even some drawings I've done of them.

There's a helicopter. Magnet steals helicopter.

He's got rockets on the helicopter, got lasers on the front.

And who's drawn these? You?

I spent my life studying comedy and going home,

recording things on VHS, watching them back, writing stuff down,

taping things off television, getting comedy LPs, listening to them.

I mean, I had 500 VHSs, all comedy film.

I just used to watch them, watch them again and that again

felt like my apprenticeship, my studying of it all.

I never went out!

Well, I talk to people now and I know some obscure theme tune

from 1987 or 1973 and they go,

"Did you ever go out?" And I go, "No!"

I did go out and I did go and play, but I just loved being in!

I know people think I'm odd, you know.

But I think everybody's odd.

You, what hand do you wipe your bum with, you?

-Go on - what hand do you wipe your bum with?

-My left hand.

Ah, you see, I use toilet paper. Eh?

Who's odd now? You're odd.

I first met Peter when we started

secondary school,

so Mount St Joseph's in Bolton.

We were in the same form together.

He was, I want to say class clown, but it seems a bit cliched.

But he was always going for the laugh, which is

the same as he is as an adult.

Mr Bryce at our school, what an arsehole he were.

Saw him at that school reunion, I wanted to wind him.

Right weirdo.

He didn't like me.

"Is that what you're going to be when you grow up, Kay? A comedian?"

We got to fifth year and they did the Wizard of Oz and I was the lion

and they had these girls in third year dressed up as trees

and they were just there, with like, stockings on

and, erm...

I cocked my leg up on one of them.

And I remember the sound of the room

just going mental

and feeling,

"Wow, I've just urinated on a third-year girl.

"And it feels good!"

Why do mums buy crap pop?

Why? Why do they buy it?

They go to the supermarket

on Friday night, do their Friday big shop.

They come back...

They never buy... Rola cola.

Rola cola.

Eight litres for 40p.

Crap pop, shit pop you don't want.

"Get it drunk." "I'm not drinking it."

"Get it drunk." "I'm not drinking it, Mum.

"I wouldn't mop my drains out with this, it's crap."

When I used to go to his house when we were kids, when you

walked in their house, just that warmth, that niceness, you know.

No money, nothing like that,

just something about that family bond and just...

Similar with Peter, with myself, our dads were around,

but our mums brought us up, mainly.

I think that was another thing that kind of drew me to Peter.

She's in tonight, with me auntie.

There they are. Hello, Mum.

She's thinking, "Shut your mouth and get on with it."

Water!

Please. Now, for the love of God and all that is holy...

Erm...

Can I get a bottle of Volvic, please?

I'd always work part-time from when I left school.

I had loads and loads of jobs.

I packed toilet rolls at Franny Lee's for £3.76 an hour.

Esso garage, I worked at,

£1.80 an hour. Loved that job.

Er...I was an usher... in Bolton at the cinema.

All the films for free and all the sweets you could eat off the floor.

I worked at Top Rank Bingo, that was an awful job, that.

Take Two Video, I worked there for four months at the back of Spar.

And I got sacked for taking Tina Turner home.

I got sacked from Bolton Octagon for telling Des Barnes

he couldn't come in in white jeans...

and I stand by that.

I hate this job.

This is the worst job I've ever had

and I used to work in an 'arvester.

That's saying something.

What's got 90 balls and screws all the women?

Bingo!

You're laughing, it's true.

I just used to get very bored, but I used to write everything down,

so I would go to these jobs and I would either have a little

pocket book, or I would come home at night and write down...

I remember this lad at the garage once saying to me,

"Why do you write everything down?"

And I actually didn't have an answer for him, but I just felt like

I had to log everything, just the way people talked,

the way they said things at work.

I used to soak it all up and write them down.

I used to work in a shop, me,

and I used to till stuff up when people came in.

I'd say, "That's £3.42, please."

"Do you want the 42?" "What?"

"Do you want the 42?" "Yeah, I do."

"Otherwise it would be three quid.

"And that's not enough, is it?"

And then, what I would do,

I would meet with my friends outside of work, or sometimes

even in work, in the canteen, and I would just regale all

these stories and I would tell them this and make them laugh

and they all used to say to me, "You should be on television.

"You should be a comedian," and it used to really break my heart,

because I knew it inside,

but I used to think, "Yeah, but how do you?

"How do you do it? How do you get in?"

And for a few years, I really threw myself into full-time jobs.

I just thought, no, it's not going to happen.

I've got to knuckle down and face facts

that this is what normal people do.

They don't do what's in their hearts.

And I didn't. And then...

Erm, I did.

That's shit, innit?

MUSIC: Step On by Happy Mondays

Young Peter's exactly the same as old Peter!

He's always been 40!

He'll hate me for that!

I met him in university,

20-something years ago.

We were on a performing arts course

and we became friends really quickly.

I'm sure a pretty girl like you could be a caller if she wanted, eh?

But I don't want.

When I was your age, I'd have given my eye teeth to be a caller.

Have you no ambition? What do you want to do with your life?

I'm only here for the summer, then I'm back at uni.

Uni. What are you studying there?

Advanced economics, politics and European law.

That's all very well and good, but where's that gonna get you?

The first week of college, we had to put on these productions

and it was like a getting-to-know people kind of thing.

He was in a different group to me

and we all had to watch each other do these plays

and his group came on and they were doing a play about whatever.

Peter came on dressed as a lion,

the lion costume that he always drags out,

and just sort of stole the show.

Everyone just fell in love with him straightaway.

Everyone just knew he was going to make it.

He was the star of the year, kind of thing.

Hello, love.

Been waiting long?

Makes you laugh, doesn't it, eh?

Stand here and then four or five all come at once. A fleet of them.

He was always so hard-working

and I think he put everyone else to shame,

because we were sort of typical lazy students and he was always the one

who was doing sort of extra things

and making films and we'd all be in the films and he'd be editing them,

directing them, doing everything.

Look, I've got 50p to my name and that'll go in the church box tonight.

Live your life, that's my advice.

I've plenty of friends and I'm never lonely.

Plenty of life left in me yet.

'In the second year, I took stand-up comedy.'

We had to stand up each week in a class with...

There were seven of us and the teacher would say,

"Right, you need to go away and write about holidays, DIY...

"..and Salman Rushdie."

And then over the ten weeks, you would gather all this material

and you would whittle it down to say, a five-minute act and then we

went to this pub up the road

and about 100 people come in, some were punters

and some were people from college,

and you had to get up and perform.

I got a water infection and I went t'doctor and I told him

that I'd got a water infection.

And he said, "We'll send you to see someone at the hospital."

So I waited 11 months

and went to see this woman... LAUGHTER

What's the fucking...?

What's funny about that?

Wha...?!

What? Have you got a water infection?

-Yeah!

-Have ya?!

Really?

It's like fire when it comes out.

No, it is! It's nothing to laugh at, it's not, honest to God!

He was just a natural.

It's done.

It went well, it did... Um...

I'm...

It's better than sex!

Well, better than the sex I've had, anyway!

Seeing him, he was so good

and then everyone kind of started going to see him

and he had his own little fan base going to see him and he played

the Frog And Bucket in Manchester and we all used to go and watch him.

Before we start, I want to tell you we lost my grandad last night.

He's not dead, he's in Netto somewhere.

I first became aware of Peter

in about 1997,

'98 and...

I was working in a comedy club,

collecting glasses.

It used to sell fairly well and just this one week, this one Thursday,

I was getting to work and there was people queuing at six o'clock.

And Peter was the big draw,

he was the guy that everyone was sort of looking forward to seeing.

All these disc jockeys under the impression at weddings

you can understand what they're saying when they...

MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY

..good times!

HE MUMBLES

..buffet's ready.

There was just something about him

in that room with those people.

The warmth that went to the stage and FROM the stage

was unparalleled.

I'd just never seen anything like it before, it was magic.

I looked at other comedians and they were all talking about sex,

or drugs or getting drunk.

Well, I didn't drink and I'd had sex, ish.

No filth, simple as.

No smut, no swearing,

no racism, right?

No queer or lezzie stuff - we don't

go there. It's a family club.

There's a picture of Her Majesty the Queen out there and as far as

you lot are concerned, she may as well be sat on the front row.

-Do I make myself crystal?

-Yeah.

I just thought, I'll talk about the things I know about, which were

me mum and family and these part-time jobs

and that's what then turned into my style.

I didn't think, "Oh, I'll be this person."

I think you've just got to talk from where you feel most comfortable.

I used to work in a bingo hall in Bolton.

That were a bad job.

Pensioners, like working with the cast of Cocoon.

He developed a following

very, very quickly,

because he's so accessible

and he's so of the people

and people really associate

with what he's talking about.

He was needed at that time, he was exactly what was needed at that

time, because he talked about stuff that everybody appreciated.

Bingo caller used to come on and say, "Hello, everybody, I'm Tom,

"welcome to bingo. Hello, girls.

"The lady at the back of the hall in the wheelchair sadly collapsed

"and died this morning at Bolton Royal Infirmary, but don't worry,

"we sent her a wreath from bingo.

"Off you go, blue kick-off line, it's any four numbers across..."

She's dead! Is no-one bothered?

I started to get people ringing our house saying,

"Can you come and play my club?" I'd say, "How much?"

They would say, "It's 35 quid."

And then I'd be like... (35 quid?!)

(Jesus!)

Like, cos I were on 35 quid for doing a week's shift as an usher.

Then, they'd go...

"Oh, go on, then, 45," thinking I'm playing hard to get,

and I'm going...

So...I couldn't believe it.

Tom O'Connor, he started in one of my clubs.

First club he ever did, one of mine, he got 35 quid. Did very well.

Wanted to come back, said he wanted 45,

I said, "We'll give you 40, but we'll let you win the raffle."

Used to, in them days.

-Next stop, Name That Tune, he didn't want to know us then, did he?

-No, no.

I've always said it - the higher a monkey climbs,

the more you can see its arse.

So what I'd do, I'd work as an usher

and I used to say to Mrs Whitworth, "Do you mind if I go early

"on Saturday night, cos I've got a booking," and she'd be like, "Go on, then."

So God love her, they'd let me go early and I'd go and do my gigs

and then eventually,

they opened a multiplex in Bolton,

so I became a full-time comedian!

Live from the top of the tower,

it's Peter Kay!

You'll never beat live performance, because it's about everyone being

there and feeling it and I think that's what, when you do stand-up,

you can look at it and think, "Yeah, but there's one tiny person."

But it's about that one person versus

the entire room and...can you do it?

Hello, everybody!

There is no grey area - they either laugh or they don't,

it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter who you are, they will or they won't laugh.

It's got to be funny and you've got to work hard,

but it's just...

It's amazing when you do it.

Your dad ever do that really embarrassing thing

when you went to the seaside, he'd get you in a headlock?

In a headlock whenever a police car went past... Nee-nar-nee-nar...

"I've got him! I've got him, he's here!

"He's here, I've got you! They've come for you, look! He's here!"

"Get off me, Dad, I'll break your back. I'm 26, leave me alone."

The thing you can do when you watch Peter, you can go, "Well,

"all he's doing is picking some funny things that we might remember,"

or things that we've seen ourselves,

but actually, it's how he does it

and what he picks that resonates something in our brains.

There's a nostalgia to it.

Big light! Why did people say that?

"Put the big light on."

"Put the big light on, I'm doing a crossword."

"But the big light on." The 2,000-watt bulb!

"Put the big light on..."

You see his audiences in his stand-up

and very few people can perform

to teenagers and the elderly

and get them both cracking up

laughing, belly laughing.

Do you ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks? Ever do that?

I swear to God now, you never get used to that.

As you get older and you dip your biscuit in...

Cos you don't know when it's gonna fall.

And you panic.

It's like out of body...

It's like slow-motion.

M-u-u-u-u-u-um!

Get a spoon!

Me biscuit's fallen in me brew!

That puts him in a category that's quite rare.

I think maybe Billy Connolly, Robin Williams, Victoria Wood,

but not many people can reach that many people of that range

and really genuinely get them to crack up.

A-a-a-a-rgh!

Bastard!

Burning me fingers!

Peter's quite unique in that he's a brilliant observation comedian,

but he's also a very, very gifted

comic actor

and it's not many people

who can do both of those things.

Listen to me, that's your side

of the garden and that's mine.

Stay away from my side!

Do you understand?

Dad, he's a tortoise. He can't understand, can he?

Oh, he understands, all right.

And another thing,

stay out of the front room, got it?

I always wanted to be a comic actor.

I'd seen John Thompson and Steve Coogan start doing stand-up

on Grenada and then they'd evolved into getting comic acting parts.

Cos I didn't know anything about casting directors,

but I thought they seemed pretty...

..blinkered in their casting of parts

and I thought, "Well, did they see you?"

They might think, you know,

he can be funny removal man number one. He'll do.

-Mr Flitch?

-Yeah.

-Sign here, please.

-Thanks.

-Sammy, it's here!

The furniture's arrived.

That was the first thing I'd ever done as a proper drama thing.

But I wanted to use stand-up to get into comic acting,

cos that felt like the meat.

Stand-up felt like a bit of a laugh, hopefully!

But the burning desire for me was to take something that you'd

written and turn it into something that was on television.

The Comedy Lab series at Channel 4

was designed to bring on young comedians,

young producers, writers,

to do stuff that they might have trouble getting away elsewhere.

I must've driven down here a million times.

It still brings the hairs up on the back of me neck, though.

Peter's Comedy Lab was called The Services and it was really,

really funny and you could immediately see that he

wasn't just a stand-up comedian.

He was a comic actor, he was a writer, he thought like a producer.

'It's 8am and time for dayshift roll call.'

Morning, team.

You may or may not have realised that we've got a camera crew in today from

Channel 4 in London and they're here doing a documentary on our services.

Just giving a bit of an insight into what goes on, so... Alison,

are you chewing?

Spit it out, please, love, in the bin.

'At the time, on the BBC, and on ITV,

'there were a lot of these fly-on-the-wall documentaries'

like The Hotel, Lakesiders,

The Cruise, Paddington Green

and they were very popular.

It was the start of this fly-on-the-wall reality thing.

And I just thought, "I want to send this up."

Yeah. Yeah, I might get a chat show - I never thought of that.

Esther... Kilroy!

Mm. Look at that Mo, she only passed her driving test.

She had a record in the top 40!

I thought I'd like to do multiple parts, which I thought was

beneficial for them, cos they won't have any money.

My name's Utah. That's my Wild West name.

My real name's Craig.

'So if I play all the characters, that'll save 'em

'some money, plus I can have a play and try and push myself, cos if'

you've got an empty piece of paper, push yourself, you know!

That's a foot spa, a health spa

and a £20 voucher for your local Spar,

so near so - these fantastic prizes -

and all available today on Chorley FM, your favourite waste of time!

# You're my... # RECORD JUMPS

# ..Mine

# You're my favourite waste of time... #

Peter said to me, "Do you want to do a little bit in this?"

'No money or anything like that.'

Who's that dick?

I had lovely long, curly hair in it.

Them were the days.

I had no ambitions of doing any telly.

Anything like that, it was just...a laugh, to me.

I don't care whose it is, I don't care what it is, it's floating.

That was the first time that I ever realised television was tangible,

that it was something that could be done by somebody like Peter,

or like me, or like one of my mates.

It was something that I just saw and just thought it was so funny,

it was so brilliantly funny.

I'd heard Woody Allen say about writing about what you know about.

I know about Bolton. I know about where I live.

I took all these different people that I knew

and they inspired me to write this six half-hours and set it in Bolton.

MUSIC: Vienna by Ultravox

Growing up, I went to a lot

of working men's clubs

and used to have Christmas parties

at working men's clubs

and I thought, "No-one's done a club."

They'd done Wheeltappers and Shunters as a variety, but no-one's

done a working men's club and I'm drawn to the tragedy of things.

HE SINGS OVER THE TRACK: # Oh, Vienna... #

It was just a world that demanded

exploring, really,

cos you walk through those doors

and they were community centres,

they were social centres, anybody could walk in the door.

It was a natural setting for a comedy, basically.

-I thought that dwarf were good.

-What dwarf?

-Sang Fly Me To The Moon.

-No, that were me.

Really?

Brian started in the pilot episode and he was named after

Mr Potter in It's A Wonderful Life, who's in a wheelchair.

I didn't want to particularly make that a huge comedy...

In fact, sometimes I even forget he's in a wheelchair.

But I wanted the character to just be a curmudgeon character

and a miserable person.

How much? For pasties?

They've trebled in price. What's in them? Venison?

I know it's dear, it's bloody extortionate!

You had this real character

with a real disability

and that disability did not define

the character in the slightest

and I was very interested in the way that he did that.

I can see! First rule of any backing band is all black, now get them off.

-You wearing brown shoes, Alan?

-No!

-You know the rules. Get them off.

-Told you.

-You get piss-all past Ironside.

-I heard that, Les.

'So I did That Peter Kay Thing'

and at the end of it, I looked back at what

had the potential to become its own series

and it was the club episode, which became Phoenix Nights.

MUSIC: Intro to Ooh, Ah, Just A Little Bit

When I wrote That Peter Kay Thing,

I'd written it with two other writers.

I'd written it with Dave Spikey.

-TO MEN IN BLACK MELODY:

-# Come and get your black bin bags

# They're on offer till December... #

And Neil Fitzmaurice.

-Ray Von.

-Ray who?

-Von. As in, "RAVE ON!"

-Is it your turn?

-No, he's a spark.

When it came to Phoenix Nights,

it had worked on That Peter Kay Thing, so we just transferred it

to Phoenix Nights and we got an office in Bolton.

We just used to treat it like a full-time job.

We'd meet every day, from nine till five...

Er... Well, half ten.

Neil would spend about two hours putting the world to rights

about what had been on television the night before

and Dave would come in with loads of stuff he'd written and I'd

have it all on a whiteboard, written out what we thought,

and we'd work out what the episodes were and then we just used to write

and write and write

and we wouldn't move on until we knew that it worked and it was funny.

Let's hear it for Albert! Albert's a registered diabetic.

Come on, the louder you scream, the faster the ride!

Those are the rules, folks - come on!

What else are you gonna do on your afternoons?

Come on, son!

Here we go! Come on!

-There he is!

-Who?

-Ray Von.

-Look at him, he thinks he's back on the waltzers.

-Aye.

Look at this lot, though - I've not seen them this excited

since they printed that paedophile's address in t'paper.

'I also cast a lot of stand-up comedians in the parts.'

Oh, shit - not another one.

'Because I thought they'd be brilliant actors.

'Because they've got them skills...'

Cos when you're on stage, you're acting.

It's called an act and I thought some of them couldn't do it,

but some could... I don't mean... The ones that couldn't do it,

we didn't cast, but the ones that could, we did.

That sounds like the ones I cast couldn't do it, but they could do it.

You know what I mean.

So I woke up, rolled over,

guess who's lying next to me?

-Bonnie Langford!

-Look at that lot.

They're like pigs on heat.

Nearly broke her back.

Justin Moorhouse, Steve Edge and Janice Connelly,

they were all comics who were on the circuit in the north-west

and so these were people who were...

They'd be able to take what Peter wrote

and then even add 10% themselves.

And that's all down to Peter knowing,

"Well, let's get these guys in.

"These guys are already funny, so throw a funny script at them

"and you get magic."

Don't shoot the messenger.

I'm only telling you what the spirits are telling me.

AUDIENCE GRUMBLING

HUSH DESCENDS

Now...I'm getting the word...

.."nonce".

GASPING

The continuity was shit, because they didn't have a clue.

They'd be giving it cigarette that hand and that hand, and drink...

But if you could edit round that and get to the gold,

the timing was spot-on.

And the stuff that they did was something that other actors

would struggle with.

I think I see Ironside's copped off here. Hey!

MAX: Go on, Brian.

The sad thing about Brian is that there was a slight hint about him

possibly being slightly lonely and not having a love interest, which...

It's my favourite episode, the one where he actually falls for somebody

who ends up being from the DHSS.

-We could go out sometime, if you wanted?

-Who, us?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

-I mean...

-Oh, aye, I'd like that.

-We can do that, if you want?

-I'd like that very much.

-Great. Lovely.

-Yeah.

It was nice that he met somebody

and then he fell completely in love with her.

And Joanne Wright was amazing in that.

Most of the time, people don't recognise me

because the wig was so all-consuming, wasn't it?

In fact, I think the first thing I said about that wig was,

"I don't know whether to put it on or take it for a walk,"

because it was so big and sort of...

It was just big.

'That scene where they're going up the stairs, I think,

'is a really brilliant example of Peter's craft.'

Won't be long now.

Just you wait.

The things I'm gonna do to you...

The silence is as important as the line he says, you know,

"The things I'm gonna do to you."

But all that space around that line is beautiful.

Prostitutes are rough in Amsterdam.

The first one I went with made me wash me old man in t'sink.

You took your dad?

Peter said, "You know, there's this doorman, Paddy.

"And, um, do you wanna have a go at doing it?"

And I said, "I'd love to."

THEY CHEER

# We're Bolton, we're barmy and we're on the march tonight... #

How far away are they?

# ..We're Bolton, we're barmy

# We're on the march tonight. #

And he said, "Right, well, the first audition's in London,"

and I'm like, "Whoa. Excuse me, old school ties and all that."

But he didn't have as much sway in those days, so I went

for an audition in London and he really dug his heels in for me.

I mean, really dug his heels in. Thank the Lord, they gave me the part.

MUSIC: "I Could Be So Good For You" by Dennis Waterman

Max and Paddy always felt like a bit of a separate entity, because I was

playing two parts, so I couldn't be a lot of the time with Brian,

cos I was Brian.

# If you want to I'll change the situation... #

They'd started off as characters on the door,

so they felt like they were in their own little domain.

I'd always been fascinated with spin-off series.

There hadn't been one for a long, long time on British television

and I thought, "Why don't we just try that?"

-# ..I've got a good idea... #

-PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS OUT What are they doing?

# Don't know where we're going Got no way of knowing

# Driving on the road to nowhere

# Sponging for a living Checking out the women

# Riding on the road to nowhere

# And we don't take shit from anyone

# The only thing we want to do is have some fun

-# We're Max and Paddy

-Paddy and Max

# And best of all We don't pay council tax. #

I'd known Patrick all my life.

We'd grown up together and there's something invaluable about that,

that's invested over time.

I wouldn't have imagined that we would end up writing together.

-And what's that supposed to mean?

-In a nutshell, you stink.

-How dare you!

How dare you! I have a good stand-up wash in that sink once a week.

Once a week? Stray dogs wash more than that.

I remember writing that series and just laughing, just always laughing.

Laughing about stuff we'd seen on telly, stuff that'd happened to us.

It's the only thing I've ever worked on where

I looked forward to going into work.

MUSIC: "Let's Hear It For The Boy" by Deniece Williams

-Now, the most important thing to remember is balance.

-Balance.

-Yes.

-Balance.

-Give me a spin.

-Yeah.

That's it, that's right. You've got it.

-Is that it?

-You're a natural. I like it, Max, I like it.

CRUNCH, MAX GASPS

HIGH PITCHED: Oh, my God, go and get help.

My balls have gone up into my stomach.

Me and Paddy, when we were filming, we'd just do one look

and you'd know what the other one was thinking, and that felt so special.

And he always makes me really laugh.

Let go.

Let go now.

PADDY LAUGHS

Oh, God. Come on.

Let go.

PADDY LAUGHS

It must be a nightmare for him

when he's making something and directing stuff,

when he's got his friends in it,

because you turn up with your lines and doing your scene

and off you go, and he's piecing it all together and editing it

and making sure the shots are right, and everything else.

-It's the Wolfster.

-You what?

Here in the paper, there.

The Wolfster.

-BLEEP.

-I'm showing you.

-I've

-BLEEP

-looked four times.

-You've got lines, but...

I've not! You go on, "It's for you."

-You say, "It's for you."

-I didn't know you were going off cue lines!

Oh, sorry!

My mistake.

There was me working off scripts!

-BLEEP

-first time!

We had a really good laugh making that scene.

We wrote more series of it.

We wrote more specials but we've never got together and made 'em

because of...

Take Me Out.

# Every night I've been hugging my pillow

# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo

# And sweet Marie who waits for me. #

Come on, sing along!

MUSIC CONTINUES

My mum had five records and one of 'em

was the Best Of Tony Christie. It was a single. I'm only kidding.

We used to play Amarillo and it stuck with me.

# Sha la la la la la la la

# Sha la la la la la la la

# Sha la la la la la la la... #

One of the things that people like with comedians is joy

and that Amarillo thing, that look

on his face, when he burst through

the door, of total joy,

that's a wonderful quality.

# When the day is dawning On a Texas Sunday morning... #

It was number one for seven weeks and everyone was doing the walk and

the song and I didn't even ever set out to do anything like that.

Or do a walk. That's my actual walk...

if you don't mind. I march everywhere.

# ..Keeps me going

# Through the wind and rain

# Is this the way to Amarillo? #

People loved it... especially Tony Christie.

God, he had a resurgence. I didn't even know who he was.

# ..And sweet Marie who waits for me... #

We got these travelators,

they must've been off Swap Shop or summat. They'd been around for years.

Michael Parkinson, God love him,

turned up with Ronnie Corbett and started walking.

Ronnie is dicking about a bit, trying to get laughs,

doing all this, bumf, off.

I mean, he flew off, like an arrow.

MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

I were driving home and it was about four a clock in t'morning

and I was still laughing.

I ended up waking up in my sleep, sitting upright, laughing.

# ..Sha la la la la la la la

# Sha la la la la la la la

# And Marie who waits for me. #

All the things I've ever made,

very, very, very important element

is music.

I've always thought that comedy and

music are just the two things that work so well together.

Music lifts you up and if you get the comedy right,

you can take it a bit higher.

I just love music.

You know that song, We Are Family?

For years I thought they were singing,

"Just let me staple the vicar."

Right. Who's right and who's wrong? Listen.

# All of the people around us they say

# Can they be that close?

# Just let me staple the vicar... #

LAUGHTER

Peter's knowledge of music is outstanding. His comedy timing

and everything else might be great,

but his love and knowledge of music is exceptional.

Meanwhile, k.d. Lang is singing about arseholes.

# Arseholes... #

He's such a massive music fan, it's ridiculous.

He's like a computer hard drive

of knowledge of music.

It's quite frightening at times.

I can't believe you'd kiss your cock at night.

# ..Shine his machine

# Baby, take off my shoes Before you let me get in

# I can't believe you'd kiss your cock goodnight... #

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

-# When I wake up

-When I wake up

# Well, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you

# Yeah, I know... #

-Peter called me and said,

-MIMICS KAY:

-"I've got an idea."

And I said, "Tell me about it."

"You like The Proclaimers?"

I said, "They're actually my favourite pop group of all times."

MUSIC: I'm Gonna Be

-# ..When I haver...

-What's haver mean? #

He's a fanatic Proclaimers fan.

He's written the sleeve notes for their albums.

# ..And I would roll 500 miles And I would roll 500 more

# Just to be that man who rolled 1,000 miles

# To fall down at your door... #

I thought, "That is an idea that only you could pull off, Peter Kay."

True enough, he did.

MUSIC CONTINUES

For some reason, when we were doing it, we kept singing, "Bobby Davro".

I don't know how but we were proper laughing, the pair of us.

So I said, "Let's point. Bobby Davro!"

Well, Bobby Davro were like a pig in shit.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Bobby Davro!

Bobby Davro!

I was very impressed by how Peter could switch from performing

to directing, because it's hard enough to do one of those things.

He directed from the wheelchair, he's very brave.

MUSIC PLAYS

# ..To fall down at your door. #

CHEERING

I wanted to do a musical

and yet, at the same time, I didn't want to do a musical.

# Been waiting to sing for so long

# My winner's song... #

But I thought, "How can I do a musical

"that allows you to really embrace

"and enjoy music and yet comedy?"

And I just thought, these programmes at the time, Pop Idol,

X Factor, Britain's Got Talent,

you've got to do something about this.

No acts are the same. Young and old are here for this, the final show.

This is going to be the toughest night of their lives

and only one of them can win.

Only one of them can win this and it's going to be tough.

Only one of them is tough and that's going to have to be the winner.

It's the talent show to end all talent shows and you choose who wins.

I thought that would be a big thing.

We could do it really well and it's a satire. I'm not really

a satirist, but I thought, it appeals to me because you could do all the

musical numbers and you could make big productions

and, God, it were big.

The cameras are set. The phone lines are ready.

The lights are rigged.

It's time to prove that Britain has got the Pop Factor

and possibly a new celebrity Jesus Christ soap star superstar.

Strictly on ice!

Ladies and gentlemen, your finalists.

MUSIC: Carmina Burana

To be on Pop Factor was amazing.

He was so good.

We got to play at being pop stars.

# They need a hero

# They're holding out for a hero till the morning light

# He's gotta be sure

# And it's gotta to be soon

# And he's gotta be larger than life

# Not just in life. #

Lots of people were complaining they didn't have a purple

button on their remote control because they wanted to vote.

He is just across everything. He is a perfectionist.

He just took all of those programmes

and got every best bit of those programmes and replicated it.

# Will you let me in?

# I want to be your friend, I want to guard your dreams and visions... #

'Lord knows what made me want to be a woman.

'I've done Max and Brian and all these other characters,'

but I've not done a transsexual dinner lady from Northern Ireland.

# 21 years in captivity

# Shoes too small to fit his feet

# His body abused but... #

The lighting was exactly right and there were stings,

I was using all the right language and scripts,

so I think when people first initially watched it,

they had to stay with the show to realise it actually wasn't real.

# Free-ee-ee Nelson Mandela

# Ella, ella eh-eh-eh

# Under my umbrella ella-ella... #

'I had to shave everything off.'

I got waxed. Two Russian girls, in a hotel.

I had to stop halfway through for a burger.

I were shattered!

# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. # WHISTLE BLOWS

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-When you put your lips round the end of that whistle,

that could've been me, cos you blew me away, lady.

And you blew these away.

Thank you. Thanks, Peter. Thank you.

It was on the scale of Pop Idol.

# Bom-bom, Blankety Blank Blankety Blank

-# Bom-bom, Blankety Blank... #

-Nah.

It's as close as you would've got to the real thing.

15 nights in this place, look at the bloody size of it!

CHEERING

Strap yourselves in, ladies and gentlemen,

for 20 minutes of comedy dragged over a two-hour show.

LAUGHTER

Here we go!

Peter's broken all the records for his stand-up shows

in how quickly they sell-out and how many people he plays to.

And part of that's because he doesn't tour every year,

so there's a huge anticipation and expectation around them

and they've become absolute phenomenons.

I ordered a pizza last night. I asked for a thin and crusty supreme.

They sent me Diana Ross!

-LAUGHTER

-'I don't know how he did it, to be honest.'

I think it took him over a year to do all the gigs in the end,

which, if you just try and get your head around that for a second,

this is a guy, telling jokes for over a year, in arenas.

That's pretty amazing.

A woman went to t'doctor's, she had a piece of lettuce

sticking out the top of her knickers.

Doctor said, "That looks nasty."

She said, "It's tip t'iceberg."

You're a court jester.

In its simplest form, that's what you are.

You're basically there to make people laugh, that's your job.

A fella says to his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She said, "Don't like ringing you at work."

Because what gives you the thrill is them

forgetting about any trouble that they've got in their life,

that you can deflect that and make them happy and forget about it.

I was on tour and Paul Coleman, one of my good friends,

he said he'd written a script about two people in a car,

driving to work and that was the general gist of it.

-SAT NAV:

-'Please make a U-turn.'

I don't think you know where you're going, you, love.

You're taking me all over the bloody place!

When I first thought of it,

I did not think for one minute that Peter would be John.

Absolute piss take.

-SAT NAV:

-'The route is being calculated.'

Oh, me and you are going to fall out. I'll tell you that right now.

I shared it with Peter to just get a view on the writing that we'd done

and see what his opinion was

and he really liked it, and thought he could do something with it.

Well, this is a dead-end! I can't go down here.

-SAT NAV:

-'Now go straight.'

Oh, you're off your tits!

-Hi!

-Hi, there. You all right?

Did you find me all right?

-Not a bother. Straight to the door.

-Coolio!

I was working in a call centre

and he sent me an e-mail, saying, "Read this, what do you think?"

And I read it and I phoned him on my lunch hour,

and I went, "It's-it's really good. I love it."

And I said, "Kayleigh really reminds me of me.

"I'm sure I've said some of those things."

-Here, stick your drink in there.

-Thanks.

Watch yourself, it doesn't fit all cups. Don't force it. Oh!

You're having a laugh!

You're having a laugh!

I'm so sorry!

I really wanted to do it, but I was so nervous because I thought,

"If I can't pull this off for Peter, I don't want to let him down."

And that was the thing that made me most nervous about it,

was letting Peter down.

It's all right. It's all gone now. Deep breaths, that's it.

About a week before we were about to shoot it, I said,

"I don't mind if you want to ask Sheridan Smith, you know?"

But, I mean, we've worked together so long, I WOULD have minded.

SHE COUGHS What's up?

What's that?

Poppadom. Oh, I'm sorry.

Had that last night.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry.

'What we have got is, we've got a natural chemistry through'

a friendship that's built up over years.

And I don't think you'd get this between an actor and an actress.

It's outrageous! LAUGHTER

THEY CONTINUE LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY

I'm going to crash!

Obviously, it's not Peter,

but there are aspects of the character that very much

made me think of driving around with Peter in the car, talking

and just talking utter rubbish at each other and turning up

the radio and turning down the radio and shouting at the radio.

I've done all those things with Peter, so, yeah, I loved it.

I absolutely loved it.

Oh, frick a dick, it's Ray from work.

-What?

-Ray, work Ray!

-Oh, shit.

Oh, don't let him see us. He stinks of fish, him.

-He's a fishmonger.

-I know that!

-Stink Ray, we call him.

-So

-do we. Do you?!

-Yeah.

Car Share was brilliant because the camera's just kind of in the car

and it was capturing the reality of whatever you were doing,

it didn't feel that you had to be committed to continuity,

so that really freed you up for a very real performance.

-OH! Oh, God.

-Shoot, what should we do? Should we just ignore him?

-Just look forwards.

-He's staring right at you!

There was a terrible amount of giggling on that and I was fearful

they'd never be able to edit it cos there was so much laughing

and laughter and stop starting-ness.

Are ya? Because we've had this conversation.

-Hey!

-What're you doing?

-Get this pumped up!

I was a very naughty boy to this song many moons a...

HE LAUGHS

Here we go. Oh, ooh-hoo!

Pumps this up!

A very naughty boy.

Ooh!

Peter's a terrible giggler.

But it's all on his terms.

Cos if you do it, he's cross with you.

And if he does it, it's all right cos he's allowed.

# Na-na-na-na na-na-na-na

# Na-na na-na na-na-na-na... #

This is it. Here we go now.

HE SINGS MADE-UP LYRICS

THEY LAUGH

What?!

Car Share looks deceptively simple.

It looks like it's just two people in a car, having a laugh,

which part of it, it is. But with Peter, the process never ends.

So apart from filming the script,

what he'll then do is he'll add layers and layers

and layers of music, he'll throw in the music video.

# Never let me feel... #

It was Peter who brought the dream sequences in,

because when you're driving in the car and you've got your...

your fan's on, you do think that you are Anastacia. Well, I do.

# ..You walked out I ain't got no more tears to cry

# And I can't take this... #

The dream sequences add so much fun to the show.

And I know Peter and Sian both loved filming those.

# It's such a rush just being with you

# We're driving in the rush hour... #

He's a music geek.

Anyone who knows him will know that he is.

He just knows everything about any decade of music.

He's the one you want on a pub quiz, he knows everything.

# ..You got me, you got me

# Oooh, you send me... #

What could you not like about sitting in the car and just driving

around singing with your best friend? That was Car Share to me.

# ..Ooh, you send me... #

-RADIO:

-'Cars are being diverted off the main road...'

"Track two is from me to you. You're a star. Love always, Kayleigh."

-RADIO:

-'No reports of any problems on the trains.'

Car share is absolutely classic.

Great piece of comedy, so beautifully acted.

RADIO STOPS

I think it's a real masterpiece

and perhaps one of Peter's finest pieces of work.

What a load of shite!

# You've been saying I've been driving you crazy... #

-Yes.

-He's really brilliant in Car Share.

It's such a real performance that he gives.

Touching in a way that I think we haven't seen him do.

Very unusual to kind of just get anybody to come out of the screen

and have you feel things that you think,

"That's what it's like in real life."

And that is a really rare quality in someone, to be able to do that.

I think that character is probably the closest to him

he's ever played his real self.

# Baby, baby

# You've got to believe me when I say... #

Mum didn't like it cos...

IRISH ACCENT: "Peter, you're not watching the road.

"I'm watching you and you're not paying attention."

She's not even Irish!

# Pure and simple Hey, hey, I'll be there for you

# Pure and simple Gonna be there. #

Lots of people have said it before, but it's kind of, is he the new Ronnie Barker?

I'm a huge fan of Ronnie Barker, both Peter and I are.

But I believe he is.

I think the detail that he adds to every scene,

you always know he is going to turn a scene round, he's fantastic.

TWO RONNIES THEME TUNE

The funny thing about Ronnie Barker was that I wrote to him in 2003.

I'd been writing this letter for years and it were just crap,

kept ripping it up, writing it again, ripping it up, writing.

Eventually I wrote one and I sent it, thinking, "Ah, well."

And then I got a reply.

I get this letter through the post and I opens it.

It says, "HM Prisons."

So I thought, "Who's writing to me from prison?"

So I starts reading it and he has written to me

as Fletch from Porridge.

He's wrote, "Dear Peter, I nicked this paper

"when I was in the library and Barraclough wasn't looking.

"Mackay's been on my back..." And he's written this letter as Fletch.

So I were crying me eyes out. I couldn't believe it.

I remember, I rung Paddy up and I said, "Listen, Paddy,

"you won't believe what's happened."

I said, "I've got a letter from Ronnie Barker.

"He's written to me in character as Fletch from Porridge."

He said, "It's 8.15 in the morning. Who gives a shit?"

Anyway... Never mind.

Look up at the sky.

Look at this. Ronnie?

When you're ready, go for it!

FIREWORKS GO OFF

-ALL:

-Ooh!

He's one of the great comedians. THE great comedians.

But certainly now one of the great comedy actors as well.

Well, that's them. I'm not made of money, that's your lot.

THEY ALL CHEER

# We've looked each day and night in the eye... #

So we'll all go, "Is that it?"

And then I'll just... They can go off.

Peter Kaye has funny bones, you know?

It's not just about saying funny things.

It's just about embodying the spirit of comedy.

One, two, three...

# Do-do-do We've had success

# We've had good times... #

This is the end of the programme, this!

We can get it right.

Good luck, everybody.

# ..We have walked 1,000 miles... #

He is one of the nicest human beings I have ever met in my life.

-Have it!

-I think he's just lovable. He's just a lovable person.

You dip a HobNob it's, "Again!"

You want to embrace him and keep him near you, cos you know you're going to have a nice experience with them.

I'm going nowhere, me, son!

# ..What a fool I could be Just because I look... #

He's a genius at what he does. And it's amazing to watch.

Just have this as the ending.

Have this as the ending.

He could be in a terraced house in Bolton.

As long as he's got a telly, and a Sky+ box,

he's happy, really, you know?

# ..Never forget where you're coming from... #

He's so loyal, he's such a loyal person with his friends and his family.

It's just lovely. He just likes to have fun.

# ..Some day

# Some day soon this will all be... #

Have the credits up over this.

This is what you want.

# ..Ooh ooh This will be someone else's dream. #

I truly think he's, he's one of the absolute greats.

Thank you very much for watching.

And ta-ra. Bye-bye.

I nearly fell there!