Onto the Box The Story of Variety with Michael Grade

We viewers buy our sets for a variety of reasons,

but the chief of them is entertainment.

We want to be entertained, and by entertainment,

we mean programmes that take our mind of the H-bomb,

and the fact that we've had a hard day in the office.

Very good, aren't they?

It has been found that a method well suited to the television audience

is the entertainment that operates on more than one level.

You don't deserve this.

Aha-ha-ha-ha!

It begins with an appeal to laughter, excitement, curiosity,

a warm personality.

-What do you think so far?

-Rubbish!

Television's job is to leave us more alert than it found us.

I like coffee, I like tea, I like radio and TV.

'The new eye of television is roaming here, seeking there...

'penetrating, revealing, probing,

'recording - bringing the live world into the homes of the people.'

In the 1930s, there were over 400 variety theatres in England and Scotland,

and people would catch a show at least once a week.

Between 1954 and 1958, over half of them closed.

It's no coincidence saw the rapid growth

of a new form of entertainment - television.

'In 15 years in Britain - of course, TV was blacked out during the war -

'television sets have grown from 10,000 in 1936

'to five-and-three-quarter million today.'

Blame the Queen.

-HE LAUGHS

-Blame the Queen.

Her coronation was the first big television event.

Everybody went... If they hadn't got a television set of their own,

they all crowded into their neighbours'

on these small small...

What were they - 10-inch or something like that?

I remember because my uncle sent me to Carlisle.

There were some problems at Her Majesty's Carlisle,

and I went into the theatre and at the first house,

there were 60 people in,

and the manager couldn't believe it.

And it never fully recovered.

'What does it mean to you?

'For those who seldom read a book or visit a theatre,

'it has brought new entertainment - drama, opera, ballet -

'and above all, sport and variety.'

In the '50s and '60s, what I call...

I shouldn't - it's very rude of me. Forgive me, all of you.

But the '50s, '60s, I call the Halcyon days of television.

It was coming on so strong,

and it was wonderful to see this.

It looked so glamorous-looking, that suddenly,

the theatre didn't have that magic that it had had.

And gradually, variety theatres just went.

-There was more magic on TV?

-Yes, there was so much more excitement.

There were other things, now, to do.

If you could only go to the theatre,

you may have drifted back to doing it, but now you can watch TV...

pubs were beginning to open just a little bit, overseas travel was beginning to become available.

There were other alternatives than just going to the theatre to see whoever the act was of that week.

'Television belongs to us all. It has become part of our very lives.

'And it is in our hands to determine what shall happen to it.

'We are all involved in its future - whether it be used for good

'or for ill.'

My uncle, Jack Taylor...

who was a very prolific producer of summer shows, tours and whatnot.

He didn't believe in television.

And when things were bad, he spent the same amount of money on the shows as he had done in the past.

And he said, "Oh, it's all a flash in the pan, this television.

"It won't last. People will come back to the theatres," and whatnot.

And poor old Jack died bankrupt...

you know...in 1959,

not accepting that television had taken over.

'The immense power of this new medium is vested in the hands of a few.

'Those few who can influence the minds of millions

'by what their pictures, words and sounds convey.'

The great skill of the variety producer

was getting the running order right.

The successor to that is the television scheduler.

And now, tonight, we can all sit back,

and we're watching a variety show of sorts.

Instead of four minutes of a dancing troupe

and seven minutes of a juggler

and 12 minutes, at the top of the bill, stand-up,

we're watching a half-hour sit-com,

followed by a three-quarters-of-an-hour documentary

followed by a sports programme followed by this, followed by that.

Not only that, of course, but we can now self-schedule.

We can hop about and choose our variety bill as we want to.

While the growing popularity of television

meant the end of live variety,

a few performers would rise from the ashes

to become some of the 20th century's biggest stars.

But to look at the journey from stage to screen,

we must start where we began - in the theatre.

The London Palladium -

the beating heart of the variety theatre for over 70 years.

If you could make it here, you could make it anywhere.

When did you first come as a performer through here?

As a performer, Sunday Night At The Palladium.

The actual day I came here,

I did drive around the block three times because I was so nervous.

And because I was just a...practically a nobody at the time,

working at Eastbourne, to an audience of about 200.

LAUGHTER ECHOES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ECHOES

BRUCE LAUGHS There you go, we're here.

-Now take us through to the stage.

-You can go past the dressing rooms, or you can go straight through here.

-Shall we go straight through?

-Yes.

I tell you...

..this theatre means so much to me. It means everything to me.

It's got 2,300 seats, but from here, from a performer's point of view,

-it does feel intimate, doesn't it?

-Oh, it does.

-You can reach everybody.

-Yes, exactly. It's got that lovely, lovely feeling.

Any words you say, any little phrase you say is picked up straight away.

BRUCE ON ARCHIVE FILM: Thank you very much.

You feel important. You're here, and you're talking to the people.

Coming back, it always gives me...

I always get a bit of a tingle when I walk in here,

because it means so much to me.

-Marvellous. How many memories?

-I tell you.

-It was a prestige thing.

-No question.

It was the most famous variety theatre in the world.

Well, the London Palladium

is where I first fell in love with show business.

My dad's office was across the street, and in the school holidays,

he'd bring me and my sister to opening nights here.

6.15, Monday night.

I remember seeing the Ink Spots, Guy Mitchell,

Frankie Laine, Jack Jones, Jack Benny - one of my heroes.

And we'd always sit in the same seats, here -

Row C, third row - 13, 14, 15 and 16.

Magic nights.

HE SIGHS

Thank you.

-Hey.

-What?

-Who's working you?

The Palladium is regarded...

-and I would guess, because of your successes there...

-The temple.

-..as the temple.

-The temple of show business.

-The temple of variety.

Any show at the Palladium, the star, the real star is the Palladium.

From outside, it's quite unassuming.

You walk up to it and you think, "OK,"

and then you walk through the side-of-stage door,

and all of a sudden, you come into this vast arena.

People come from North America, people come from Europe.

People come from everywhere to the Palladium,

because it is the London Palladium.

There are certain venues where you can walk out and think, "Hmm..."

You walk out on that stage, and it's like "Ooh."

You know that there's so much talent and so much energy

that's filled that room before you've walked on that stage,

and it's quite a remarkable place to perform.

Just to say you've played the Palladium,

even if you're a bottom-of-the-bill juggler,

you could still put on your bill matter,

"Direct from the London Palladium."

It meant everything. It was a worldwide mark of respect.

If you did that, you'd made it.

I've stood on the stage at the Palladium where Danny Kaye entertained.

I've stood on the stage where all the greatest stars in the world...

And I've had that honour of standing there, and not only that,

but Bing Crosby was in the audience on a Saturday night,

and I sang to Bing Crosby, and he liked it! He liked it.

And then, one night, because he came over to do the Royal Show,

I told jokes to Bob Hope.

Bob Hope's sitting about six or seven rows back.

Bob Hope! And afterwards, a journalist said to him,

"Mr Hope, how did you...? What did you think of our Ken Dodd?"

And he said, "Ah, gee, that Ken Dodd," he said,

"every laugh was like a sword in my side."

People were given entertainment sparingly,

so the only chance they could get to really enjoy themselves

was to go to the cinema,

or they could go to the theatre to see variety.

But when ITV came along, all of a sudden, entertainment was available.

The BBC always worked on the premise that if you enjoyed it,

it can't really be good for you.

There was a marvellous thing published just after the War, which was a sort of green book -

guidance for variety producers on what they could do. It's my most cherished document.

"It is impossible to list in detail all potentially dangerous subjects,

"but a few random samples are given here.

"There's an absolute ban on the following:

"Lavatories, effeminacy in men, immorality of any kind,

"suggestive references to honeymoon couples, chamber maids, fig leaves,

-"prostitution, ladies' underwear - e.g. 'winter

-drawers

-on' -

"animal habits - e.g. rabbits -

"lodgers, commercial travellers,

"and extreme care should be taken in dealing with references to or jokes about pre-natal influences -

"e.g. 'His mother was frightened by a donkey.'"

ITV was launched in 1955,

and the jewel in its crown put the variety theatre firmly centre stage.

I think Sunday Night At The London Palladium is interesting,

because probably the bulk of the country

really was unaware of the London Palladium.

And what it did do,

it brought great performers, on a theatrical stage,

to entertain the nation.

And we'd never really had that before in that way.

In its early days, it had enormous impact,

because it was straight, in-your-face variety

that had never been seen on television in that way before.

That was the showcase. If you got on there, that was just it.

Millions of viewers -

who hadn't seen you in the theatre or even knew about you -

millions would see you that night.

I'm pretty certain I never saw Tommy Trinder hosting it.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Sunday Night At The London Palladium.

-I might have seen Robert Morley...

-Yes!

..a very unlikely host do it, on one occasion.

And at a time when they were searching for the new resident host,

I might have seen Monkhouse - Bob Monkhouse - on it.

But I really latched onto it

when Bruce Forsyth came and reinvented himself.

-# Poor me

-Poor me

-# Poor me

-Poor me

-# Uh-huh

-Uh-huh

-# Poor me

-Poor me

# Poor me-ee-ee

Bruce, Bruce, quick!

# ..hold you by me so tight Each night, that's right... #

It taught me everything. I remember Alan King, the wonderful comic,

and he said to me,

"How long have you been in the business, Bruce?

"I know you've only just started at the Palladium."

I said, "I've been in the business for 16 years.

He said, "It's taken you 16 years to be an overnight sensation."

Good evening!

# Ladies and gentlemen...

# Welcome to Sunday Night At The London Palladium

# Hope your Easter holiday has been very gay

# Toujours la politesse Hip, hip, hooray... #

I hope you're having a nice time, I really do.

-This was where you started working with...

-Audience participation.

-Am I right?

-Absolutely correct.

You've had some good research. LAUGHTER

-Well...

-Or you've read my book. Maybe you've read my book.

It was at this point... I read the index.

-Only cos your name was in it.

-Exactly.

-Is this your wife?

-No, no.

Somebody else's - that's why I'm happy!

LAUGHTER

Are you with him, dear?

-Yes.

-We've definitely hit on something here.

LAUGHTER

Read all about it next Sunday.

I could always tell the people who liked doing audience participation

and the comedians who hated it.

And they have that fear in their eyes of,

"What happens if it all goes wrong?" I love things to go wrong.

Good evening... How are you, all right?

We wondered where you were.

LAUGHTER

That's it. Got the sandwiches?

LAUGHTER

Yes, you're just in front of the flowers, they're very nice.

Jolly good. Where are you two from, by the way?

We've just found out where everybody's from.

Where are you from?

Where are you from, sir? It's a party, it's a party.

Where? London? Why are you late?!

LAUGHTER

My frustration has always helped me in comedy.

The fact that I'm surrounded with people,

and I show this into camera. I go... I show this frustration.

It started when I was about 10 years old, 11 years old.

30 seconds, then, to beat the clock.

Take your time, because I want a breather. Starting...

LAUGHTER

I've got enough trouble tonight without you. Right!

The theatre was new.

The American artists that were coming across,

as well as the domestic artists,

these were something that the BBC

never really had tried to create for television.

You know what we haven't done, yet, Terry?

We haven't done anything that's really old-fashioned variety, Vaudeville style.

Let's do one number like that.

I think I have my Vaudeville prop back here. Yes, here we go.

AUDIENCE MURMURS

No man worth his union card would be caught without one of these.

LAUGHTER

# Me...

# ..and my shadow... #

One of the links between you and that period

is with the big American stars.

-Many of them became friends.

-Oh, yes.

Who did you enjoy working with, particularly? Obviously, Sammy Davis.

Yes, Sammy Davis, of course.

I always found, the bigger the star, the nicer they were.

# Because...

# There ain't gonna be nobody up there

# But me

# And my... # I said me and my shadow!

# All alone and feeling blue. #

Your job was to look was to look after some of these American stars.

What did that entail?

We did everything for them, really.

Looked after them, got them out of trouble when they got into trouble.

Who was the most difficult?

Mario Lanza.

# Because you're mine... #

In a year, he knocked me out six times and put me in hospital twice.

He was quite a violent man.

# Because you're mine... #

He was the most beautiful...fellow when he was sober,

but he was rarely sober, I'm afraid.

# For as long as I may live... #

With him, when we travelled, he wouldn't sleep in a room on his own,

so we had two beds - thank God - in the room

because he used to wake up in the middle of the night with DTs,

and say people were coming through the window or trying to get in the door,

and then I would have to do a whole act about chasing them away.

-He would...

-You would have to...?

-Oh, yes.

"I'm Peter Prichard, I've been in the British Army,

"I'll kill you fellows if you come through this window."

He would love that. He'd say, "Oh, great."

That would relax him, he'd go back to sleep.

# And it's applause

# Because...

# You're mi-i-i-i-i-i-ine. #

I was told Mario was going to be presented to the Queen.

This was another worry, because he had a thing of stepping forward and biting girls' necks.

HE LAUGHS

So, they were all worried, and in the Palladium,

in those days, the bigger stars

stood on a little staircase behind the royal box -

very tight fit - to meet the Queen.

For the first time ever, they put me behind Lanza,

and I had my hands in his trouser belt

to pull him back if he did anything but bow.

And of course, like all naughty boys, he was perfect.

He was so gracious to the Queen.

And the Duke of Edinburgh was next in line.

And I'm thinking, "This might be difficult,"

so I'm holding tight and he shook hands with the Duke, and the Duke said,

"Mr Lanza, we do enjoy your work, and you were so good tonight,

"and we understand that you're having a very successful European tour."

He said, "Well, I am.

"If you call 10,000 a night successful, I'm successful.

-"What's your story?"

-MICHAEL LAUGHS

In 1967, the head of ATV network decided to axe Sunday Night At The London Palladium.

The man who made that decision was no less than Lew Grade.

Thanks, Uncle.

Well, by then, most variety theatres had closed,

and television had taken over as the people's entertainment of choice.

Variety acts had to learn to adapt,

and adapt quickly or their careers would be over.

All right, studio. Settle down.

Stop the talking.

Stop the talking!

I think one of the problems with the early days of variety,

and variety stars who tried to transfer to television...

It wasn't easy for them because they had no understanding of it.

They'd learned to work radio and to make that work,

so voice became incredibly important, and timing, but to be on screen...

Some took to it very easily.

Arthur Askey was almost immediate in his ability to reach through the screen, almost,

but in the main, they found it very hard to do.

Very good. Yes, I enjoyed that. He put that in himself.

Hello. You switched from there to there quick, didn't you?

I've got to watch you, Tesla. First time I've worked with him, you know?

LAUGHTER

I've got all the others lined up. Now watch it.

This business...

I've got a brother broke his neck doing that, you know?

Arthur Askey, the first big star on television to really talk to the camera and ad-lib,

and turn around and talk to the camera over there. He was brilliant.

And you never know why he's dropped off the radar,

but I thought he was wonderful.

Look, fellas. I'm not going to stand around all day.

-Let's play something.

-What about this?

Night On The Bare Mountain, by Borodin.

Nah, we don't play anything like that.

Well, if we play it, it won't sound anything like that.

I said to him one night while we were having dinner,

"Tell me something, Arthur.

"Do you ever feel any resentment

"of a little upstart like me suddenly coming along...

"You've done the lot, you've done 50 seasons at the London Palladium,

"and I'm coming along, and there's my name all over the top of the bill,

"and your name along the bottom. Does that offend you?"

He said, "No, if your name wasn't up the top, I wouldn't be working."

Very sensible.

"I wouldn't be here, because I'd come on here and there'd be no people here,

"so that's all part of our business."

-That's what I loved about him, I think. He was...

-Generous.

Yeah, he was generous, and tremendously kind of adult about the whole thing.

I've thought of something more nostalgic. Something old-fashioned.

No, no, Val! He'll go into that blasted bee song.

Aha!

That's very cruel.

I know, I've heard it.

Ah! I'm not going to stand here...

Now look what you've done.

How dare you?!

-Listen, listen...

-Whatever happened to Norman Wisdom?

If we just take two performers - both of whom I know you admire -

one would be Max Miller, and one would be, let's say, Frankie Howerd,

Frank really made the transition triumphantly...

Hugely successful.

Max Miller, he did the odd bit of television...

He did quite a lot of television,

but it didn't work because he did need that big audience.

Not like Frank, who was terrific. He was talking to us - individual people.

He wasn't addressing a great crowd. Totally different technique.

It's getting worse. You have to bring your own props on, now.

Honestly, the standards are going right down you know?

There's no respect for we artistes at all.

They take terrible liberties with me, you know?

Ooh!

-LAUGHTER FROM AUDIENCE

-Thank you! Don't you start taking 'em!

It was terrific. It was like a woman next door, wasn't it,

looking over the garden fence and saying, "Well, I'll tell you about her..."

Look at this week, I'm in my dressing room - ooh, yes, I've got one now.

Marvellous! And that was just what television needed.

I told them. I said, "I am not dressing in the corridor any more. I won't do it."

Look at last week.

I... Oh, I was embarrassed.

I could have died, honestly. I did not know where to put my hands.

Where to put my hands, I did not know.

His career was a series of comebacks.

He'd be right up at one point, and then down again.

He was discovered by every new generation.

Did he not know?

Oh no, don't. No, Mrs, no.

Ooh, don't, Mrs.

Ooh, don't. Stop it!

Ooh, don't, Mrs, don't.

INTERVIEWER: Do you find it strange that generation after generation seem to rediscover you?

-FRANKIE HOWERD:

-Didn't you miss a generation then?

You meant generation after generation after generation after generation...

-Do you want me to do it again?

-It was me and Noah started together, more or less.

All those animals from the ark, they used to love me, you know?

Peter Cook was a big fan of his

and Peter Cook had him at the Establishment club in Soho in Greek Street.

And there was sort of a younger audience -

maybe not that familiar with Frankie Howerd -

and he was a big hit at this club, and picked up by Ned Sherrin

and put on television in That Was The Week That Was.

APPLAUSE

Er, before we... Oh, this is the one I'm on, yes...

It's about time.

I've been waiting a hell of a time, here, to get on. It's 25 to 12.

And Ned asked him to do about 12 minutes, and after about 17 minutes, Ned said, "No, leave it."

Live television, Frank was still going, and he was back again.

I'm usually associated with variety.

You know, a variety comedian, music hall...

And I'm not usually associated with these sophisticated... wags and wits.

You know, these youngsters.

And, um, you know, I'm more sort of Billy Cotton, me.

Then he was down again, and then he did Up Pompeii on television,

and A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum on the stage,

and he was back again. Then he was down again. It was fascinating.

-Why do they come?

-Why?

-What do they see in me?

-Why?

-You could ask.

-Why?

God only knows. I haven't got a clue.

I don't...

I don't query it, don't question it.

I accept it with gratitude. I don't know why.

Peter Vincent - a mate of mine, a fellow writer - we went to the Oxford Union.

I think it was his last TV appearance.

You know, he was thinking, "Am I a has-been again?"

-OK?

-Mm.

-Right...

-Yeah.

-We are on now.

The house lights are out.

And the students went berserk when he walked on.

It was very heart-warming to see.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

When you're that good, you know, you keep coming back.

But while television giveth, it also taketh away.

Peter Brough, anyone?

Only yesterday I engaged her as your music teacher, and today,

she's letting my house off as rehearsal rooms.

It wasn't her fault, it wasn't her idea. It was the tutor.

What? What did you say, Archie?

Peter Brough, bless his heart, wasn't technically good.

His mouth did tend to move somewhat.

It was the tutor? Did you say the tutor?

Yes, Brough.

You see, you didn't hear with all that noise going on.

He didn't translate to television at all. That was radio.

Ventriloquists on the radio - the mind boggles.

He had a great radio show because he introduced some great comedy acts,

like Tony Hancock and Peter Sellers, Beryl Reid, they all appeared on his show.

So, his radio show was great, but then you couldn't see him, and you just heard this voice.

Probably the most successful ventriloquist that we've ever had.

And yet, one of the worst, technically.

No, really. I tell you what, I'll phone her up and apologise.

No, Archie, no, please. You've done enough damage.

Leave the phone alone, there's a good boy.

Ooh, I say, look over there.

- What? - She's left her music.

Oh yes, so she has.

- Here, I tell you what. - What?

I'll phone her up and get her to collect it.

That's a good idea, Archie. I'll get her some chocolates.

- Don't overdo it now. - All right.

We have to talk about Tommy Cooper.

Oh, la-la-la...

He was one of those performers who made the transition

from the theatre to television very easily, didn't he?

And in fact, he was never that big in the theatre

before he started to appear regularly on television, was he?

He was never really top of the bill.

I think it could be said of Tommy that television made him.

About five years ago, I was in Manchester.

I flew from London to Manchester by plane...

That's the only way to fly.

Tommy became so funny, so famous.

He had to end up topping the bill.

Spoon, jar. Jar, spoon.

Spoon, jar. Jar, spoon, spoon...

Diddly ah-da-da-da-da.

Stop!

Diddly ah-da-da-da-da.

Stop!

Diddly ah-da-da-da-da. ..Pull it, pull it!

I remember Eric ringing me and saying Tommy's appearing at a nightclub in Dunstable.

He said, "Why don't we go?" I said, "I'd love to go."

So we got a table at this nightclub and Tommy comes on and he's in the middle of his act,

and suddenly, a waiter dropped a tray with a lot of glasses - by accident, you know.

Horrendous noise, and Eric looked at me, like,

"What's Tommy going to say?" And there was a long, long wait,

and the audience was waiting for Tommy to react,

and it takes him forever,

and eventually, all he gets out is, "That's nice."

And the room fell about. After the show, I was talking to Eric, and he said,

"18 lines went through my head,

"but what's amazing is he got a bigger laugh than I could have got

"with some brilliant lines, ad-libbing in that situation."

But that's Tommy. He was absolutely amazed by it.

Do you know, my feet are killing me?

Every night when I'm lying in bed, they get me by the throat like that...

Tommy Cooper was... Other comedians just...

The Eric Morecambes and everybody, they just said, "Tom's the man."

Eric used to say, "That bugger, he walks on and they start laughing."

He said, "I walk on and I have to start working."

The glass is going to change places with the bottle.

The glass... The bottle goes over there.

So...

Now the glass is here, and the bottle's there.

Tommy Cooper, later in life, said,

"People say I just walk on and they start laughing."

He said, "They don't know what it takes just to walk on."

Too many bottles.

He prepared.

That shambolic act of his was calculated down to the last degree.

Everything was just in its place

and he could create an impression of chaos, but there was no chaos.

Not at all.

That's it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As we've seen, adapting to television wasn't always easy,

but Tommy Cooper and his contemporaries -

legends such as Harry Secombe, Peter Sellers,

Des O'Connor and Tony Hancock -

knew the best place to perfect your act and hopefully be spotted

by a television talent scout was not in a theatre at all,

but in a strip club.

The first job I got was at the Windmill.

Vivian Van Damm.

My first audition for him wasn't all that marvellous,

because I got through all this 10 or 12-minute act that I did,

which I thought I did pretty well -

you know, three in the morning in this theatre,

with people queuing up to do auditions,

hundreds of people, hundreds.

So I finished, and he said, "Yes, Bruce. Come down here a minute."

This was Van Damm, the owner?

He said, "Yes, Bruce, definitely."

"Yes, definitely."

I thought, "Definitely - I'm in!" He said, "You definitely need material."

I said blonde. Are you a blonde?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can you... Can you do anything?

-Oh, yes.

-We'll look at you afterwards.

It was a very happy introduction to the business.

Six shows a day, six days a week, the Windmill.

36 shows a week. That was quite good schooling.

The theatre was usually full of guys,

coming to see the girls,

and suddenly the comedian comes on - or comics -

and that's when they get the Evening News out,

and lean over to get the light from the piano

so they could see it a bit better.

And if you could make them laugh at 12 o'clock, lunchtime,

when they've come in to see a fan dancer,

you weren't doing too bad at what you did.

Good evening.

This is going to be a bit tricky, because, you see, I am a comedian.

Guys would go in there for a day. They'd go in there at 11 o'clock

and come out at 11 o'clock - they'd stay in there for 12 hours.

-They were sick of the sight of us.

-Just to see you?

-Mind you, I was sick of them!

On this occasion, it looks as though I will have to walk off

in complete, utter and sepulchral silence.

You find, Michael, now, that a lot of really good television performers,

when you see them in concert at a big place - not effective.

-Not effective.

-Because they've learned their trade on TV?

Tiny, tiny stuff.

-Or in small Comedy Store type clubs.

-That's right.

They're tiny, but you need a theatre, you need that

and it's marvellous when you see someone like Ken Dodd in the theatre.

-For me, Ken's never been a great television performer.

-No.

-But in a theatre...

-Well, in the theatre, it's unbelievable.

It really is.

British men, the world's greatest lovers.

Hooray!

Thank you, sir.

Ladies, you wouldn't swap us.

Look at your old man, sitting along side you, nervously running his fingers through your handbag.

You wouldn't swap us for one of those continental Romeos, would you?

YES!

Really?

Watching Ken Dodd in full flight, in a variety theatre,

in his domain, is...

I tell you, there's as much pleasure watching the audience.

The thing with the audience, when you've got a really good gag,

is that 2,000 people all go forwards at the same time.

It rolls.

This poor traffic warden, you know, he popped his clogs.

Stepped off, a traffic warden, and they had him all boxed up,

and then they were loading him into the hole, and suddenly he came to life. He came to life.

He knocked on the lid.

And they brought him up again,

and they opened the lid. He sat up and said, "I'm alive! I'm alive!"

The vicar said, "I'm sorry, sir.

"I've started the paperwork..."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

He did do a fantastic one not long ago - An Audience With. He did two.

But that, again, was a big audience in a big place,

and the camera was way back, picking him up when he felt like it.

He was playing to that audience there, not the camera.

I think men's legs have a terrible, lonely life, don't you?

Men's legs - standing in your trousers, in the dark, all day.

Just an occasional flash of sunlight.

Have a look at your legs when you go to bed tonight.

Try it. When you go to bed tonight, sir, take a torch, take a flashlight up to bed with you, make a tent...

LAUGHTER Have you ever done that?

You want locking up.

When you're doing television, you've got a terrible dilemma...

Stand on that chalk mark, look over there.

Do you play to the camera, or do you play to the studio audience?

-How do you resolve that?

-Well, as you can see by this interview,

I've been playing to the camera all afternoon.

-I think it's a mixture. You play to the camera, but you have to work the audience.

-The studio audience?

Oh, yeah, you have to work the studio audience.

It is like an instrument.

When you're playing an audience, you're playing an instrument.

They are there to be coaxed,

cajoled, soothed, lifted...

You know, you do all that.

Are you very romantic, Mrs?

Yes, I can tell, you have very dreamy eyes. I should go on shandies now!

March 11th 1955 -

my very first television show.

For six months, I'd been playing all the theatres,

and you know, theatres, very nice, and a lovely reaction.

But you're not prepared for...

Don't forget, it was only BBC One in those days.

And the next day, I was playing Hull the following week,

and I got off the train at Paragon station in Hull and all of a sudden,

everybody was going, "Look, there he is. That's him."

People in the streets, you know. That was the power...

It's me, Mrs!

Omar Sharif!

-And when you watch yourself on television...

-Oh, hate it!

-Do you watch yourself on television?

-Oh, no. No, no.

-Really?

-No, I don't think any entertainers...

You always know you could have done better.

Is there anybody who's seen me on television but has never seen me in the flesh?

Put up your hands if you've never seen me in the flesh.

Oh, quite a few. Oh, yes.

Now would you mind putting up your hands if you're regretting it already?

Bruce, you are on of the great British television stars,

who made the transition...

and found a new home on television, as a new starring vehicle.

Was it difficult making that transition, for you?

People were being warned about being over-exposed.

Not many people did television, but I was doing television every week,

so I knew what the cameras were.

But I think the over-exposure thing was about having your eight or ten minutes,

which had lasted you a lifetime in the variety theatre,

and you give that away on television, you then can't go back and work in the theatres,

because that's all you've got - that eight or ten minutes.

That's it. I mean, some acts used to go around the halls, like Wilson Keppel and Betty.

They did their act for 25, 30 years.

Cleopatra's Nightmare.

Exactly the same act everywhere.

And often, and this is where people made a mistake,

they would do a thing on television two or three times,

and then go and do it in the halls, and people would say,

"I saw you do that last week. What are you doing? Haven't you got a new act?" And you thought, "Oh, dear!"

In the old days, you could tour 52 weeks doing the same act

because if you came back, they'd forgotten, a year later.

They can go on for two hours, these fellas.

-Couldn't the old boys?

-Oh, the old boys had got ten minutes between them and the work house.

All the comics I worked with, the great stars in my day,

they had one song and four jokes, or two songs and two jokes.

And that's all they had.

A lot of people said, "It'll eat up all your material."

Which was silly.

You know, one appearance and you become a star overnight,

which is happening with a lot of these people today. I say no more.

Eric and Ernie, before Eric had his health problems,

were still touring in their own stage show,

and Eric said, "We won't do a word of this stage show on television."

He said, "I don't want anyone walking out saying, 'I saw them do that on Sunday night on telly.'"

And they got it exactly right.

They knew, and as I say, a lot of the older performers

blew all their best jokes and their best routines on television,

and it was gone. Where did they go from there?

We're doing the part, he's seated at the table, looking agitated,

-and "bumming" his fingers, I've got here.

-Drumming.

Oh, drumming.

DIRECTOR: That's my mother-in-law.

Can we go back to the line, "That's my mother-in-law," changing roles?

Some of the top comedians were smart enough to realise

that they needed writers.

So, that's the beginning of comedy writing for TV.

'Studio 1 - recording of a new programme is about to start.'

-COMPERE:

-Mr Eric Morecambe, and Mr Ernie Wise!

Looking at the great comics that you and I would almost worship -

Frankie Howerd, Tommy Cooper, Eric and Ernie, and so on -

they made the transition to television very easily.

-When you say... Morecambe and Wise didn't find it easy, did they?

-Not at the beginning.

I met them on a variety bill, and they said,

"We tried our damndest, and we can't get in."

-Have you ever faced a bull?

-I came face-to-face with a ferocious bull once.

-Did he give you a start?

-I didn't need one, I was off like lightning.

They weren't top of the bill when you were on the bill with them?

No. That's when they said, you know, we just can't get in there.

Were they nostalgic about variety?

Yeah, I think they were. They started with that.

They started with the Amateur Discoveries.

And so that's basically all they really knew.

-You were always on tour with them. That was the way...

-Life was.

Well, he said to me when we were talking about children -

we decided not to have any - he said he didn't get married to tour on his own.

-Ah, well that was very supportive.

-He never packed a suitcase in his life.

-Really?

So...slave.

LAUGHTER

Can you hold it a second. Eddie?

'Ernie can do another walk.'

Yes, could you do another walk, there, Ernie?

You did one across and one back. Could you do two?

We can spread them out a bit more.

Go quicker!

The boys had a first crack at television with the BBC,

and it didn't go well. It was very badly reviewed, wasn't it?

Yes, because that was the only thing

and people were very critical in those days.

I know that your first television series wasn't a success...

Who told you that?!

-It must have been your father.

-Blabbermouth!

One of the critics wrote, this is the famous quotation,

"Is that a television I see in the corner of my living room?

BOTH: "No, it's the box they buried Morecambe and Wise in."

At that time, did you consider having a different job?

No, no, no, we kept at it. Just because you get a few knocks,

-it doesn't really...

-If you're dedicated to show business, you don't give up.

It's not all easy.

You've got... You have this over-riding sort of ego, I suppose, that they all made a mistake.

Did Ernie ever sort of say, "I really don't think television is for us"?

-No, no.

-He could see it?

-He was very ambitious,

and he always thought they could do so much better.

So much more.

It's got me beat, I just can't make it out.

The market's down four points.

It's got me beaten as well.

Desperate Dan's just eaten four cow pies and he's still hungry.

I think, probably looking back, some people never adapted to television.

They were too big, they were sort of eating the camera.

They were behaving as if they were in a theatre.

Eric and Ernie were made for television,

and adapted so brilliantly, because they always just chatted.

It was two heads, talking.

You've got a nerve, you have, coming on here wearing a wig.

-You look a sight!

-Shut up!

-Take it off!

-I can't.

-You can't?

-No.

-Why not?

Ah, well. He might be looking in.

He? Who's he?

Who's he?

Well, he's the fella that asked me if I would advertise his wigs on the BBC television show.

You can't advertise on the B...

I know, you fool!

Shut up, see, the camera's coming in closer!

Good evening...

Eric said, "The camera's eavesdropping."

"It's listening and looking at us while we're just talking."

He used to talk about putting the kettle on. He used to say to directors, "Put the kettle on."

What he meant was, "Leave the camera there, looking at us."

There's nobody can advertise on the BBC!

Even Lord Hill can't say what kind of pipe tobacco he smokes.

And no wonder, it's mine.

LAUGHTER

He's known along the powers of corridor.

Corridors of power?

Corridors of power!

And don't forget, he walks backwards.

-Yes, he does.

-That was quick.

I wrote a lot for Eric and Ernie with John Junkin and other people,

but I would say my friend Eddie Braben - the A-team - he changed their image.

He saw that there was a real warmth and a rapport between them,

and he made Ernie the pompous little man who wrote plays.

So, Ernie became funny in his own right, not just the straight man.

Cleopatra smiles a self-assured smile and says to her hand-maiden,

"All men are fools, and what makes them so is having beauty like what I have got."

It's a great line, that.

I honestly don't know how you think of them, I really don't.

-Fabulous.

-Talent.

Eric Morecambe analysed it brilliantly.

He said, "We're both idiots, but I'm a bigger idiot than him because I think I'm smarter than him,"

which was the best definition I've heard of a good double act.

-Is that the end of the play, then?

-Yes, I'm just checking it now for mistakes.

-For what?

-Mistakes.

-Mistakes?!

-Yes.

-Mistakes, in an Ernie Wise play?

The day that I read a mistake in an Ernie Wise play,

-that's the day that I shall retire.

-PHONE RINGS

Hello, I can't talk to you now. I've just retired.

There was obviously a close bond, but they had a great business.

You know, Morecambe and Wise Ltd, as a business...

-Yes...

-..was a business.

Ernie always used to say, "It's business show.

"Get that right, and everything else comes along."

I wrote a quick piece for Eric once - two minutes, talking away -

and in a room full of people, he said to me,

"This isn't right. You've missed the whole point.

"This is wrong, so do it again, please."

So I went out of the room and sulked in the bar. I thought,

"That's in front of everybody, he did that."

And he came in the bar, and he said, "What's the long face?"

I said, "You just...

"put me down in front of all those people."

He said, "That was in there. This is here. What are you drinking?"

When did you first discover that you worked well together, that there was a kind of chemistry?

When we got married.

We realised then.

Er... No, you don't realise that you've got a chemistry, it's just...

You just want to do this act, this double act, and develop...

We lean on each other a lot, you know? That's the thing.

-He's asking some funny questions.

-You're not giving any funny answers!

It's very difficult to answer.

They worked hard at the relationship.

-Was it almost like another marriage?

-I think it was, yes. It came first.

My little fat friend.

Harry Secombe had the greatest expression in the world.

He used to say, "The only thing that worries me is that I'll wake up one morning, the phone will ring,

"and a distant voice will say, 'Thank you very much, Mr Secombe. We'd like it all back now.'"

And that's it, right in a nutshell.

-Yeah. You don't know.

-That's the fear.

People say, "You've got no need to worry."

I suppose we haven't, but we do.

We do worry about it, I worry about it.

Good morning. Fellow comedians have been paying tribute to the late Tommy Cooper,

who died last night after appearing on stage at a London theatre.

The show was being broadcast live on ITV

and the viewing audience saw the magician collapse during his act.

He was rushed to hospital, but died soon afterwards.

And he said two things, Eric, that night. I'll never forget.

He said, "Tomorrow, people will be saying, 'What a wonderful way to go.'

"There's no wonderful way to go," he said.

And he said, "Poor Tom - in front of the audience.

"Oh, I'd never do that." I'd known Eric long enough to make a joke.

I said, "Can we have that in writing?"

"Guarantee you'd never do that." Ha-ha-ha, and all that.

Six weeks later, a little theatre in Tewkesbury,

Eric went off the stage, he got off the stage and fell down the stairs.

And I never forgot him saying, "I'd never do that."

And he never did.

To many people, the loss of two of its brightest stars in 1984,

along with the rise of alternative comedy,

signalled the end of variety.

But times do change, and what was once seen as old-fashioned

can suddenly seem new and exciting.

MICHAEL MCINTYRE: Our next act captivated the nation when they won Britain's Got Talent.

Variety has always reinvented itself, because what it has to do

is to try and please a new generation as it comes along.

What always was isn't necessarily the way it always will be,

and people, when they are spoilt for choice for entertainment,

will look for something that they can't get anywhere else.

Now that's still variety.

Point of fact, actually, there's nothing new under the sun. This is so true.

What Britain's Got Talent - if I may plug the other side's top show - does

is go to different areas, look at the local talent there,

sort out the best,

and then bring it into kind of a central point,

and then let them fight it out.

Well, that's how it was then.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Before Simon Cowell was even a twinkle in his mother's eye,

there was a sharp-suited Svengali waiting in the wings.

Not many people would know his name today. He was Caroll Levis,

and he brought the talent show to Britain.

Everywhere there are hundreds of people, I'm sure -

thousands, perhaps - who do something or other in the way of entertainment.

People from almost every walk of life, who may be the stars of tomorrow.

One of the staples of 20th-century British show business has been the talent show.

Going back to Hughie Green's Opportunity Knocks.

By the time that was on TV, you were already a big star.

I'm pretty sure my chronology is right.

Er, yeah, I think it was after I started.

-But the fore-runner of that was...

-Caroll Levis's Discoveries.

"We take the unknowns of today

"and turn them into the stars of tomorrow!"

-Yeah.

-The Canadian voice.

-Yes.

I remember my cousin and I writing to him.

-My cousin Susan.

-You wrote to Carroll Levis?

Yeah, "Can we please be on your show?" Never heard anything, of course.

Now outside, we must have two or three hundred people waiting who want an audition.

So, how about it, boys? Let 'em in!

OK, gang, come on. Oh...

One at a time, folks.

-I never made it with him, with Caroll Levis.

-Did you audition for him?

No, I wanted to, but I was too scared.

Really, why? You thought you might get turned down?

-Just scared.

-Just scared?

What's your name, young man?

Ken Bonner, sir.

And what do you do for a living, Ken?

Well, I'm a greengrocer, sir. Does that hurt?

I don't know, I've never been a greengrocer.

How about doing your stuff, now, Ken?

# Oh...I'm Popeye the sailor man Gug-ug-ug!

# I'm Popeye the sailor man... #

He'd go to Liverpool.

He'd go to Edinburgh, or Glasgow or Newcastle,

and people would line up to get into these talent shows,

and if they won their heats, they would go into the semi-finals

and then the finals would come to London. It was then taken on tour.

Carroll Levis could put out a bill - a full variety bill - but they'd all be amateurs.

BOY SINGS SOPRANO

What happens now, you've got Britain's Got Talent,

which seems like a new form of variety, which of course, it isn't.

But as long as you're home and being entertained by it, it's terrific.

It doesn't go away. It just alters itself around.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Royal Variety Performance 2010. I'm hosting!

I cannot tell you the number of times we've tried to look at the title of the Royal Variety Show

and think perhaps, "Should it be changed?

"Does it signify yesteryear? Does it have an old-fashioned feel to it?"

The modern critics might say, "Oh, variety, it's passe, it's old-fashioned."

Of course it's old-fashioned!

Of course it is!

It's experienced. It's distilled.

It has been honed.

-Have you got some new gags up your sleeve?

-Me? No!

I put them in a different order. Always do for royal occasions.

It's become a very integral part of the fabric of British show business. It's like a comfortable blanket.

It's always there. You may not like it, but it's there. Let's keep it there.

It's gone on for years.

So, is there any future for variety?

Sadly not. I'm afraid the days of the Twice Brightly on stages like this have gone forever.

But so long as people have an instinct to perform

and the talent to do so, they'll find their stage somewhere -

in television studios, on the web,

and of course, in those school concerts.

So, queue the finale!

The great thing with variety is if you accept the word "variety",

is that it changes all the time.

The constituent parts that made variety, they still thrive.

The great talents are there, and the Eddie Izzards and the Peter Kays and Harry Hills and the Lee Evans.

They're not schlepping round the country doing 12 minutes a night

and then bored out of their mind for the rest of the day,

they're going into the O2 Arena for a couple of nights,

making a TV deal on the top of it, and earning more in a week

than Max Miller earned, probably, in 10 years.

That's still there.

You've got speciality acts still thriving in different formats.

Cirque de Soleil is a wonderful example.

If the people in charge of television - in particular -

trust the instinct that says people want to be entertained,

you rarely go wrong with it.

I think the public, always, if you gave them six great acts in an hour,

I think it would have always got an audience.

Someone will always get up and say, "Mummy, I can dance."

Or, "I can sing," or "I can juggle," or do something like that.

It's the best kind of show business, the most wonderful kind of show business,

because you're seeing people do things that... Extraordinary things.

The most exciting part of show business is tomorrow.

Not yesterday, and really not today, but tomorrow.

It will always go on in some form or another.

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