Football's Suicide Secret

This programme contains some strong language and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

Everybody's perception of being a footballer

is that you've made it, you're a superstar.

Football produces some magical highs.

But it also produces some really, really dark lows.

As a footballer, I have experienced all the ups and downs of the game.

There is one taboo no-one wants to talk about - mental illness.

It's offside... COMMENTATOR SHOUTS

When you get to a stage where...

you don't want to be here any more, you know,

to the point of wanting to take my life.

I'm going to investigate the dark side of the beautiful game

to find out why some players are close to mental breakdown.

It comes to the stage, in the case of Robert,

where the thought of killing yourself takes over

and you can't get it out of your mind.

Gary Speed has died at the age of 42.

A huge regret that I didn't get him to one side and say,

"Is everything all right?"

We miss him, you know. We miss him.

I'll meet the footballers who suffered in silence...

I had everything, you know -

money, cars, houses - and everything had gone.

..and find out if the game is hiding an ugly truths.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not comfortable talking about it,

not because I don't want to, because I don't know enough about it.

What I discover will make me confront my own past.

I'm going to take all these pills... and kill myself.

Because I am now of no use to anyone.

My name is Clarke Carlisle.

I've been playing professional football for 17 years.

I've played across all divisions,

won trophies

and competed against the best players in the Premier League.

There's my England Under-21s top,

the FA Cup fourth round at Loftus Road.

And here's my memory lane.

As well as playing full-time for Northampton town,

I am the chairman of the footballers' union, the PFA.

In my experience, the best teams and the most successful teams

are the ones that have every worker pulling in the same direction.

'I'm here to give players support if they need it.'

Don't ever hesitate to text me or call me.

Clarke Carlisle!

CHEERING

This is the most euphoric moment of my career.

Promotion to the Premier League. The final whistle there was just unreal.

Unreal.

What no-one knew at the time is that despite my footballing success,

I was suffering from major depressive disorder.

It's so hard to describe how illogical your thoughts are

when you are in depression. It's madness.

I feel my body shutting down and I don't just mean I'm tired,

it feels like my brain is closing.

I don't want to get out of bed because I don't want to face

that day and I don't want to have to think or process anything.

You just don't face anyone.

My depression was so severe, it led me to try

and take my own life at the age of just 21.

I kept it a secret, but I'm not the only one who's battled with

mental illness on and off the pitch.

Now I want to find out why some players in dream jobs

can be pushed right to the edge.

Do the problems start young?

I've come to Bailey Elite Academy where top young players

are being primed for full-time careers.

Speed that middle up, please!

Some are on the cusp of being signed by clubs.

Sharp! Sharp!

This is where the dreams of football are made.

Kingsley, I'm Clarke.

'But do these youngsters know what they are letting themselves in for?'

-What will it mean to you if you make it?

-It's the richest pay, isn't it?

-So it sorts me out for life.

-Yeah.

And do you think if you get a professional contract anywhere,

-that's going to do that for you?

-Yes.

-And have you made any plans for in case it doesn't happen?

-No plans.

No plans whatsoever?

Have you gone to college or have you got jobs or...?

-Nothing.

-With me, I don't think of plan B.

Football is my plan A.

-Yeah, and your plan B and your plan C.

-Yeah.

The likelihood is that he won't make it. You know that, don't you?

That's the truth.

Of all the guys who come into football,

there's only 1% who will.

So you're not making any other plans,

-you're just solely focused on this?

-100%.

I love your optimism and I love that passion and commitment,

it's fantastic.

I'm interested to see how you guys do.

'Academies are coming under more scrutiny

'for the way they hothouse young talent

'with reports of hopefuls suffering from chronic stress.'

Can we get that past? Good. Can we get it past?

'Danny's been a coach for over 15 years.'

Evening, Danny. How are you? Are you well?

'It's his job to manage the expectations of the players.'

There's a lot of these lads here just said that football

is their plan A, their plan B and their plan C.

Yeah, I find the lads that have been in academy football

since the age of seven, it's their world.

I've got lads who play for me who were at, you know,

top football clubs for ten years.

But for every success story,

-you must see a number of guys who don't make it.

-Absolutely.

You know, I'm quite interested in that because I see this age group,

15 to 18, it's the first drop-off point, I think.

It's the first major rejection when you're moving into adulthood.

They are... They are wounded. They've got bits missing.

They're like a jigsaw that was put together once upon a time

then you threw it up in the air

-and you're trying to put the bits back together again.

-Yeah.

'I know first-hand how it feels to be rejected at this age.'

I went to Blackburn Rovers at 13, 14 years of age

and that was the first time that I was released from a football club.

It was horrible. I cried for two or three days.

'Some of the lads here have already experienced

'the highly competitive world of football.'

What's your story, Tim?

What were your feelings on that day

that you were told that you weren't getting a contract?

I was just gutted as well, but my dad's just got round the fact

that I didn't get my pro, so he's still kind of dealing with it.

Do you feel like he was disappointed in you or in the game?

-I think he was disappointed in me, the fact...

-Really?

-Yeah.

Because it was like, did I try hard enough?

I thought it was very interesting that one of the lads felt

the disappointment of his father, you know.

That's quite a burden to bear. It's very similar to mine, you know.

Football was my reason for being,

it was the reason that people liked me and loved me.

And I hope... I hope that Tim is not starting out on that road.

Good, good.

For the 1% who make it out of football's academy system,

instant fame and fortune can await.

Success stories include the likes of Gareth Bale, Frank Lampard

and Manchester United's new £15 million signing, Wilfried Zaha.

CHEERING

Zaha is the latest young star to have come through

Crystal Palace's youth academy.

I've come to see Simon Jordan,

chairman of Crystal Palace for ten years.

-Mr Jordan, good afternoon.

-Clarke Carlisle, nice to see you.

-How are you?

-Pleasure to see you.

Thank you so much for taking time out to talk to me today.

-Pleasure, pleasure.

-You know, we see these guys,

they're taken from school at 16.

How do you prepare someone for this instant level of adulation?

I don't think you can.

One minute they're at school, 16 years of age, next minute they could

be in the first team, having grown men shouting their name.

Cos I liken footballers to rock stars.

You read about certain rock stars that come off stage

and they can find this high and then everything

beneath that high is a low and then that triggers depression

and low feelings and all the mechanics

that go on inside people's psyche.

Football is a difficult world.

It's difficult to get into that world and, you know,

I used to look at the academy and the youth development at Palace,

you know, prepare these boys for the world they're going in.

Not for the idealistic world,

but the real world of professional football,

which is hard and sometimes unfair and it's a school of hard knocks

and managers don't always put their arms over players

and tell them they're not playing on Saturday,

they throw them a bib and that's how they know they're not playing

and they have to get used to that.

They've got to be prepared for the world they're in

because you spend a lot of money on your youth development policy...

To take a mercenary point of view, you spend a lot of money

to bring these boys into your football team to make them an asset.

How have you seen these pressures manifest themselves in players?

I had a particular player that...

I put under a lot of pressure

because I was unhappy with his conditioning.

I put him under a lot of pressure

and I'm not going to name him and neither would you ask me to,

but at the time, I was greeted with the fact that he had

very serious issues as a result of the pressure

the football club put on him to be in the right condition.

-Right.

-So...I think I was wrong there.

'I've got to say, I was completely blown away by Simon Jordan there.'

You know there is a duty of care from the chairman

and the football club to ensure that they are vigilant enough

to be able to spot these issues

and to make sure that the mechanisms are in place

and we have to ensure that we do bridge that gap

from 16 to stardom that can be instantaneous.

At 20 years old, I signed to Queens Park Rangers for £250,000.

I felt like I'd made it.

Playing in front of thousands of fans every week.

When you step out of the tunnel, and the stadium goes...

CHEERING

..it's an awesome moment.

The roar of expectation, of support, of love for you and your team

and it is magical.

At QPR, I was suddenly thrown into the glare of the media spotlight.

Everyone around the place knows who you are and you're treated

like royalty in certain circles and you've got a lot of money to spend.

You go out to places and get treated as VIPs

and you get lots of things for free.

It is a real big ego trip.

But on the pitch, my every action was suddenly scrutinised,

analysed and judged by thousands of strangers every game.

# It's all your fault

# It's all your fault

# It's all your fault... #

When you make mistakes on the football pitch,

especially at a ground like this where the stands are so close

and the fans are right on you and you hear some of the heckling...

CROWD BOOS

..and especially as a young aspirational, hopeful footballer,

it can knock you down, it can really, really hurt your confidence.

You can't convey that you're upset or anything.

You don't want to give any sign of perceived weakness.

# He's going to cry in a minute... #

You can feel lonely, you can feel down, you can feel...

sad, upset that maybe

this football life isn't all it's cracked up to be at times.

As a football club, you are their asset,

they are investing time and money into you and in order to do that,

they control as many parts of your life as humanly possible -

where you're told what to think, how to think it,

how to process situations.

You're told who to talk to, what to say to them,

how to say it, what not to say, who to definitely stay away from.

So you are moulded,

so that an image and a life and a profile

is manufactured by your employer.

This is done every day for the entirety of your contract.

It just warps your mind.

Former England midfielder Lee Hendrie

started his career at Aston Villa.

He was only 16 years old.

Lee Hendrie turning on the six-yard line

to score his second goal in as many games.

I've come to ask Lee what instant fame can do

to the mind of a young player.

When you broke into the first team

and you are now playing Premier League football,

as a young, local superstar, was that pressure for you?

When I first did get into the team, it was great.

I sort of established myself, as such,

people were saying good things about me.

Before I knew it, I signed a five-year contract

and it was thousands of pounds a week.

Which was massive for me, you know?

I just thought, "This is it.

"I've got to where I want to be. I've got security."

That was one thing that I wanted to do.

I always said that I'd look after my nan and grandad,

my mum and dad, my brother and sister, and I did that.

I bought them houses, made sure that they was in nice cars

-and stuff like that. I wanted to give a little bit back to them.

-Yeah.

That's just the sort of person I am.

But, you know, in the long run, it's come back and bit me on the backside.

At the top of his game, Lee was earning £40,000 a week.

He built up a multi-million-pound property portfolio.

But then, the recession hit,

leaving Lee unable to afford his mortgages.

I got declared bankrupt.

And, I mean, that was just... It was horrific.

-Obviously, having all that sort of money, fame.

-Right.

I was too embarrassed to go to the shop.

I felt like my whole world had just fell down on top of me.

It was just... I mean, I'd had my mum's property, my dad's, my nan's.

Mum's got repossessed first, so I was just absolutely beside myself.

I was blaming myself, really, because I'd put everyone in these

positions where they had nice cars, houses and they end up with nothing.

Honestly, I said to myself, "I can't go on."

I had a big packet of sleeping tablets and I took every single one.

I remember waking up and my family, obviously, was all there,

and to wake up and see everyone there upset, I was embarrassed.

The second attempt was I sort of had a bad day. It was...

I remember someone saying something to me, saying,

"Oh, you've got no money."

And it hurt me really bad, like, you know, I thought, "I can't cope."

-Yeah.

-And I tried to do the same thing.

Again, I woke up and I found my family sort of angry at me.

-OK.

-As in, you know, "Why are you doing this?"

But I don't think I could describe how I felt

and I don't think anyone could understand how I felt.

-Yeah.

-You know? I had everything - money, cars, houses.

And everything had gone.

So, to be there and to fall that massive drop down to the bottom,

it was horrible.

Frightening.

If you looked at that time in between,

do you think you got any support?

Do you think that maybe the second attempt could have been avoided?

Yeah, I do, but I think that's down to the individual, like myself.

I felt like I'd got myself in that situation.

I've got to get myself out of it.

Thanks, mate.

God bless you, mate. God bless you.

Get that!

You know, this was a young, local lad who'd just hit the top

of the game and all of a sudden had everything, like he said.

He didn't buy a car and a house - he bought cars and houses, you know?

He pluralised everything, cos he had it all.

And in one fell swoop, that was all gone

and he didn't feel like he could talk to anyone.

'In football, you're only one tackle away from losing everything.

'In 2001, I was stretchered off the pitch

'and ended up at this London hospital.'

The worst injury in my career

and probably the precursor to the majority of my mental health issues.

It was a game at Loftus Road, QPR against Fulham.

'That's going to be a free kick...'

And I went to clear the ball and Rufus Brevett

was coming the other way and he got to the ball first

and we just swung our legs together and landed in a heap on the floor.

And then he got up and ran away and I didn't.

'Clarke Carlisle certainly feeling

'the full force of that.'

And I knew there was something wrong,

but I don't think

that I understood the severity of it.

'Really in a lot of pain, is Clarke Carlisle.'

I'd ruptured my ACL,

popped the TS, wrenched the hamstring,

the biceps femoris.

Iliotibial band. I had dislodged the nerve. It was a mess.

'It's a worrying moment for QPR.'

The real shock came for me

when post-op, coming round from the operation...

might not be able to walk without a stick again.

'I could not get my head around that.

'My career was just starting, so to just...'

..have it slide down.

I...

I couldn't...

I couldn't and didn't want to think about that.

'Clarke Carlisle looks like

'that's the end of his game.'

I think that's where my inability to control what was

going on upstairs began.

At the time, I didn't realise

I was in danger of slipping into chronic depression.

I've come to see Leon McKenzie,

a former Premier League striker for Norwich.

'For Norwich, McKenzie too!'

He scored over 100 goals during his career.

But now, Leon works in the family business.

Which of these pictures mean the most to you and your family?

There's a lot of good memories of my family,

because my dad's a former British and European champion.

-Yeah.

-And I was there last time he won the British title.

I must have been about 12 years old.

# We are the city light

# Wham, jam, knock 'im out... #

The pressure probably crept into my life towards the back

and I started suffering a lot of injuries.

I ruptured my thigh.

And then I ruptured my Achilles.

-After that, I was never really the same.

-Yeah.

Everything sort of changed in my life.

I got scared of, "What actually am I going to do after this finishes?"

I just lost who I was, I lost my direction.

I just... I couldn't cope with things any more.

When you get to a stage where you don't want to be here any more,

to the point of wanting to take my life, to the point

of not wanting my existence any more,

I didn't even hesitate.

You know? And, luckily for me, I got found and everything else.

-Let's go there. You know, you tried to commit suicide.

-That's right.

And, you know, by the grace of God, you're still here today.

Yeah.

What took you to that point? What was going though your head?

The pressure probably crept into my life at a period of probably

missing my children after sort of my first divorce.

In our game, we can bottle things up, you know?

And, if you do that, sometimes you can come unstuck.

And I do really think that we do need to do a lot more in our field.

-I really do.

-What was in place for you? Where could you go?

What support was there for you?

That's where I feel that we do need to

start catching on a little bit more.

I think the PFA do some fantastic things,

but also I do think that they can do a lot more.

The reason I say that is because, when I tried to call up

and I sort of said, "Look, I've gone through this

"and I tried to take my life," unfortunately for me,

I had someone on the other end of the line who didn't really get it.

-Right.

-And what that did is I didn't

really feel any comfort in that conversation.

So, when I put that phone down, I didn't want to call the PFA back.

That's a problem for me. That phone call could help so much.

Sometimes, with these things, I think you've got to look

after your players and you've got to look after your sport.

Why don't the PFA get some sort of hotline, emergency line,

because it's the phone call that is probably the main thing...

That first point of contact.

..in giving them the courage to then be able to be confident and speak.

A hotline's a very good shout, mate.

I just find it so sad that someone can get to that point

and feel so alone.

And I agree with him that that first point of contact is vital.

You know, people need to know where they're at.

They need to be aware of where they're heading to,

and if they're not, someone around them needs to be aware.

And when they become aware, they need to know where to turn

and that place that they turn to is vitally important.

'I'm surprised that the players union which I represent, the PFA,

'might not be offering the right support for players in need.

'I know how vital it is to speak to someone

'when you're at your lowest ebb.'

'Whilst recovering from my knee injury,

'I was unable to play for nearly two years.'

I was trying to process the fact that I might never play again

and I couldn't cope with it.

I couldn't, because, at that time, football...

football was me. I was Clarke the footballer.

And the fact that that was taken away,

I didn't know what I was going to do with my life.

You know, I couldn't see the reason for anyone to be proud of me,

least not my family.

I'd already made my mind up about what I was going to do.

When I was here and I saw the park...

there was no-one there

and I thought,

"I'm going to take all these pills and kill myself...

"..because I am now of no use to anyone.

"Because now, without football, they're going to see me

"for what I really am and that was nothing."

'I sat on a bench...

'..popped pills'

and waited for it to happen.

It's horrible being here.

Sometimes, you can go back to points in your life

when something negative happens

and you know that you've learned from it and you know that

you've grown and you know that

you learned life's lessons from it...

..but I can't stand being here, because...

..because of all that I, you know...

What a fucking idiot.

There's certain things you don't appreciate at the time and...

You know, my wife and my children.

So horrible that something could come over you that makes you

lose sight of these things in your life.

You know?

Even now, I feel so ashamed.

HE SOBS

Luckily, I was found by my girlfriend

and rushed to hospital in time.

'I have a very strong body.'

I do all the work to make it strong,

yet it can still break down

and my mind is exactly the same.

'Cos I have an incredibly strong mind.

'But that mind can get ill or break down.

'Depression, in my opinion,'

is a mental injury that needs

diagnosing, treating and then you're back on track again.

I kept my attempted suicide a secret from all my team-mates.

Depression is still seen as a weakness, which makes it

a taboo that no-one in the game will admit to.

But keeping it a secret can be fatal.

Good afternoon.

The Welsh football manager, Gary Speed, has died at the age of 42.

It appears he had taken his own life.

When he died in 2011,

Gary Speed was a successful manager for the Welsh national side.

You know, we believe in the way we play.

We believe in what we've got

to do, so, you never know, we might make a result.

His death shocked the nation.

There was nothing to suggest any problems, anything untoward at all?

No, nothing at all. I'm just...

I just can't believe it.

-COMMENTATOR:

-'Speed scores and effort is finally...'

Gary had lived a dream football career with a record number

of outfield appearances for his country.

God only knows why what happened happened.

No-one could understand what had driven him to such an act.

I'm on my way to go and see Lesley Speed, Gary Speed's sister.

Hopefully, Lesley can give us some kind of insight into,

if not the actual state of mind at the time, the impact

of suicide on what was seemingly a happy and functional family.

-Hi.

-Hi, I'm Clarke. Nice to meet you.

-Come on in.

-Thank you very much.

'This is the first time that Lesley has spoken publicly

'about her brother.'

If somebody had asked me if I thought

that my brother was depressed,

I'd have said, no, absolutely not.

What I know now about depression and suicide,

of course he was depressed. Of course he was. He hid it from us.

People that are suffering from depression and not only fighting

the illness, they're also fighting the stigma that goes with it.

-Yeah.

-It perhaps did stop him from asking for help...

within his job.

Why do you think that was?

Trust. You know, that probably had a lot to do with it.

Who could you trust? What if it got out?

He would have been seen as weak.

Depression wasn't talked about in our family.

It was something that you didn't have. You're not depressed.

You're fine.

"Pull yourself together," that's a common thing that people say.

You get treated if you have an illness but with depression,

people tend to withdraw.

You don't know. You don't have any idea.

Maybe he thought he had to put on this persona

and hide how he was really feeling.

Just hours before his death, Gary Speed appeared on television.

There was nothing to suggest that anything was wrong.

But later that night, his wife found him hanged in his garage.

We were just so sad that we couldn't help him through.

That's a huge regret that I didn't get him to one side and say,

"Are you all right?"

Even now, when we look back, it's still so unbelievable. We miss him.

We miss him.

I can't even begin to imagine... I'm so sorry.

That's OK. I'm glad you're here.

I'm so sorry.

'I will never know what she's feeling.

'I'll never know what the family are feeling.

'Just being there and talking to her

'and hearing what they're feeling...'

I almost put that on my own family and that is...

It's a tough, tough feeling. That is hard.

'For it to not be in vain that this man took his life,'

we have to do something about it.

-I

-have to do something about it.

In the aftermath of the Speed tragedy,

ten footballers came forward

to contact a clinic called Sporting Chance.

Initially, it was for footballers,

but now it's progressed to sportsmen and women who are suffering

with problems with addiction of all different types.

I know the impact and what is offered by the clinic

and how tremendous and life-saving it can be.

I want to find out from the CEO Colin Bland if they've seen

an increase in footballers seeking help.

-Hey, Clarke.

-Colin, how are you?

-Good to see you. This has changed.

This is just the office space. It used to be a lot different.

Oh, yeah. There are more people working here.

'The clinic was set up by ex-Arsenal and England captain Tony Adams.'

We've got four guys who have just completed the first week

-of our treatment programme.

-Right.

Two of those are current sportsmen and two are retired sportsmen.

Not long retired but retired.

You would be pretty familiar with the work that they are doing

and the process that they're involved in.

One of the things that has changed over ten years is that we run

more treatment episodes and actually they are all full.

The largest group we ever had in together is four players.

A mix of men and women getting well.

'One in four people in the UK is likely

'to suffer from mental illness.'

With over 50,000 current and former pro footballers,

I'm worried that this small four-bed farmhouse is not big enough

to accommodate every player that may need help.

After my injury, I was back playing.

On the face of it, my career was flying again.

But my mental health was still fragile.

My confidence and self-esteem in particular were inextricably linked

with football. Losing a game makes me feel low.

This is a daily, weekly occurrence that you are caused to assess

what's going on in your contribution and your value.

You have a definitive result.

Every Saturday is, yes, success or, no, failure.

In 2003, QPR reached the play-off final against Cardiff

for the Millennium Stadium.

90 minutes away from glory... or despair.

-COMMENTATOR:

-'Some cannot bear to watch the play-offs.'

I still dream now about moments in that match where things

could have changed.

I broke out from the back, passed the ball out to Kevin Gallen

and then carried on my run to the back post.

I headed it down for the near post...

..and it went wide.

In every manual, you are taught - head across the goal.

Head down across the goal.

And if I had done that, A, I might have scored.

B, one of my team-mates might have got it in.

C, the keeper might have saved it

and pushed it out to someone who could put it in.

And the game changes.

'Carlisle...clearance. Campbell, he's onside.

'It's Andy Campbell. It's in!

'Campbell comes off the bench to be a hero. A superhero.'

I'm not sure I've had a worse moment in my career.

Losing that play-off final for QPR, I lost that summer.

I drank for the entire summer.

'When players fail on the pitch,

'they can cost the clubs millions in lost revenue.'

TANNOY: 'Welcome to Munich.'

The cost to the player can be even higher.

I've come to a place that produces some of the world's best players.

Germany. Robert Enke was Germany's national goalkeeper.

He played for Barcelona and Benfica.

Like me, he also suffered from depression.

I've come to talk to his friend, Ronald Reng.

He did struggle with certain pressures of football.

How much do you think those pressures contributed

to his depression?

It's fair to say he was prone to depression.

In this case, it was the pressure he put himself

under as a goalkeeper to always be perfect, to never make mistakes.

Football, lots of times, was the trigger for his illness.

We had the first case of clinical depression in 2003

when he joined Barcelona Football Club.

Playing for one of the world's leading football clubs

was Enke's biggest challenge.

He put himself so much under pressure himself -

"I need to be Barcelona's number one goalkeeper."

His first game for the club was disastrous.

He conceded three second half goals

and Barcelona were knocked out of the cup.

The following day, Enke was lambasted by the press

and his own team-mates.

Soon after, he left the club.

Because he had such high expectations of himself,

he blamed himself so much and he went into a spiral of blame.

Basically, the whole process of the depression started there.

-NEWSREADER:

-'A period of soul-searching has begun over

'how a soccer idol could feel compelled to take his own life.'

Robert Enke killed himself in 2009.

At the age of 32.

Leaving a nation reeling in disbelief.

He was Germany's number one goalkeeper.

Nobody understood why would he kill himself.

He always looked so calm and strong on the pitch.

It comes to a stage, in the case of Robert, where the thought

of killing yourself takes over and you can't get it out of your mind.

Ronald did say that there was still a shame about it for Robert.

He felt like he was hiding when he was going to his therapy

and it was his secret.

I can definitely empathise with that about hiding it away

and feeling like it's an embarrassment and shame

and a slight on your character and personality.

That can be very difficult to cope with.

If we can address that issue, and make people's awareness of it

and understanding of it and tolerance of it...

..at an acceptable level,

then that's what makes me think that there can be help for all.

Enke's death led to widespread changes in how German football deals

with the players' mental health.

Now every club provides access to psychiatric treatment.

'They've set up a 24-hour hotline

'and raise awareness through the Robert Enke Foundation.'

In the UK, I'm surprised more hasn't been done to tackle the taboo.

There is no research to...

base any decisions or actions or reactions on.

That means that everything that we do as an industry

is essentially reactive.

We have nothing to say that transferring club

s that the third most stressful thing you'll do,

or being released from a football club at 18

is one of the most damaging incidents

in a young footballer's career.

We have no clue as to what they are.

Everything is guesswork.

Earlier this season, whilst playing for Northampton Town,

I suffered a serious bout of depression.

Unable to go to work for days, my manager,

Aidy Boothroyd, told everyone that I had the flu.

-Gaffer.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-I'm very well. How are you? OK?

'I want to ask him why depression is still a stigma.'

People are reluctant to talk about mental health issues and depression.

When I went through what I went through this season,

we told the press that I had the flu.

That's what was said to the lads, that I was ill.

I wonder whether that was for ease

or if you felt that that was to protect me.

I think some people who don't understand it might think,

"We can't pick him to do this thing or this

"because of how he is or what he's suffered from."

I think it's one of those things that people skirt over

because they'd rather avoid it.

I'm from Yorkshire. My thinking used to be, get on with it. Sort it out.

Grow a pair and move on.

But, as time has gone on, and terrible things have happened...

Gary Speed, for example. It's one of them things -

wow, where did that come from?

I don't think...mental health, we know an awful lot about it.

I certainly don't.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not comfortable talking about it

not because I don't want to -

because I don't know enough about it.

I think there's a protection issue in terms of the chairman

and the people that put the money in and,

when I signed you, I said that to him.

I was straight and honest to him.

I said, "Clarke may go off the rails now and again.

"But this is what he gives us."

Gaffer, thank you very much.

It was a very long-winded answer, wasn't it?

Not as many syllables as you use! But it was a very good answer.

-Thank you very much.

-Always a pleasure. Always a pleasure.

I don't blame anybody for having that, "pull yourself together"

mentality because it...

you can only think that if you don't understand the illness.

That...that is it.

If someone has been alongside me

and learnt about the illness and the effects

and how and why it happens

and then they say, "Oh, pull yourself together," then I will

blame that person because that is just plain ignorance.

But someone who doesn't know about it, how can you blame that person?

You just can't.

The gaffer has spent this season

getting our club from the bottom of League Two into the top six.

CHEERING

We are through to the play-off final at Wembley.

And this might be my last game.

I am seriously thinking of retiring at the end of the season.

-Are you ready, son?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

What a lot of people don't appreciate is that each time,

you know, we move as a family, Gem has to change her job,

she changes community, you know, get new friends

and neighbours, and settle into a whole new way of life,

and it is about time that there is a bit of focus on her

and the kids instead of me and the football.

As soon as Clarke thought about retiring last year,

every single person that he spoke to was like,

"Don't. Play football for as long as you can,

"you know, you'll regret it."

Would you like to be a footballer?

No. Do you not like football?

-Why don't you like football?

-Because I...I don't want to get hurt.

Marley, you are going to have to tell me

-where to go when we get there, OK, son?

-OK.

It is a really big decision for us to make.

It is going to be very tough to replace football, you know.

But it's...

It is going to be incredibly tough to replace football.

I am not deluded.

There are going to be some hard moments coming forward.

I am at the end of my career now. A 33-year-old man.

I will leave football and I will have hopefully another 40,

50, 60 years to go.

That is a scary thought.

Football is all I have ever known.

What the hell do I do now?

This season, the biggest names in football have retired.

And like me,

they're going to have to fill the dangerous void that football leaves.

After retirement,

the chances of suffering from clinical depression

can go up by 40%.

So when you land on football's scrapheap, how do you bounce back?

Focus Fitness is a new initiative designed to retrain footballers

as personal fitness trainers.

..delivers a 50- to 60-minute programme today...

The ex-players here are all facing up to the difficult reality

of life after football.

Are you sure? I don't want to rush you. Connor?

Frankie, couple of minutes.

Former West Ham player Ishmael Welsh is only 25,

but his football career has already come to an end.

That moment when you realised that it wasn't going to be football

that was going to pay your way, you know,

that was going to be your career, what was that moment like for you?

It was scary. It was really scary.

But my head was all over the place,

I was thinking of all sorts of things to do.

To an extent, I was quite depressed because I didn't know...

"Where am I going to go from here?"

-This is the time I have to make the big decision of my life.

-Yeah.

You know, no-one is going to make it for me.

I have had decisions being made for me all of my life -

when you're at football, your parents, but I'm an adult now.

I have got to grow up and I have got to grow up fast.

Ishmael's story shows how precarious my industry can be.

His career has only lasted eight years.

We need to go into football clubs and where these guys have egos

and that, "Oh, it doesn't apply to me cos I am going to make it,"

slap 'em down.

Slap them down and say,

"You know what, out of all of you guys here, you will be lucky

"if six of you are still playing in five years."

We need to get real instead of just wrapping people in cotton wool.

I feel we have to make some radical changes as an industry.

The chairman of the FA, David Bernstein, has agreed to meet me.

To discuss my findings looking into football's mental health.

-Ah, fantastic.

-Clarke, good to see you. Welcome to Wembley.

How are you, are you well?

How important is players' mental health

to the FA as our national governing body?

Clearly, it is crucially important.

-Football is fundamentally an insecure profession...

-Yes.

..and I think that lack of security can lead to these things very easily.

But what has been done by the FA in this area?

One of the things is to try and remove that stigma,

-to get people open... talking about these things.

-Yeah.

There is an FA programme aimed at trying to help with these areas.

There are a number of initiatives

that are taking place and are under development.

What's the FA programme do, cos I haven't come across that?

To be honest with you, I am not au fait with the full detail of it...

-OK.

-..but there is a programme that we have put in place.

I am unaware of some of the initiatives

that you are running as our national governing body

and yourself as chairman of the FA are unaware of certain

initiatives that are going, how can we expect all of that to translate?

You are absolutely right.

This is not something that has been high on my agenda,

but in honesty, maybe it should have been higher.

The very nature of the problem tends to be kept quiet.

There is a real reluctance to dip into the entire issue to find out

-exactly what it is about and how to deal with it.

-I agree with you.

I am sure it has been badly neglected in the past.

But when you think of the top end of the game,

the investment in players and the value of those investments,

anything that goes towards their wellbeing has to be a win-win.

I think getting the whole of football together is absolutely key.

Probably THE key thing,

and I am, in a way, very happy we are having this conversation

because it is raising the profile of the issue for me as well.

David, thank you so much for your time. Really appreciate it, sir.

I genuinely hope that this meeting is the beginning of something big.

It is the first step in us

taking some positive strides in tackling this issue.

-Would you like to watch a DVD?

-Yeah!

It is only days away from the play-offs at Wembley

and what could be my final game.

You get this one game, the 49th game of the season, at Wembley,

you are talking 50, 60, 70, 80,000 people.

It has got quite a weight of importance for me

this year to be successful, to know that I have contributed.

To know that I... still have a footballing worth.

This year is quite big for me. I can't pretend it is not.

# Northampton! Northampton! Northampton! #

CHEERING

Losing again in a final is unthinkable.

The last time it happened, my depression wiped me out for months.

This is my last chance to go out on a high.

Can I end my career in glory by captaining my team to promotion?

-COMMENTATOR:

-'18 months ago Aidy Boothroyd

'took charge at Northampton Town and it was a side facing the very

'real possibility of relegation into the abyss of non-league football.

'18 months on, and he is looking for a happy ending.'

It all culminates in one 90 minutes.

90 minutes that define your season as a success or a failure.

'..cross into the box towards the back post,

'over the head of Hanson.

'Might still be an opportunity for Bradford.

'Chipped back into the penalty area.

'Need to be careful. The Cobblers... Over the goalkeeper's head...

'and 1-0 Bradford lead in this play-off final.'

'Carlisle not happy with the decision at all.

'It is only 10 yards or so inside the Cobblers' half.

'Break kindly for Doyle.

'Ball back into the box, diving header and goal!'

CROWD CHEER

'And another goal for Bradford. They lead 2-0,

'and this game is slipping away from Northampton Town already.'

'Finds Reid. Kyel Reid chips it up to the back post.

'The Cobblers undone again here.

'Wells with a chance to make it 3-0 and he does.

'And things just go from bad to worse.

'And Northampton Town are suffering a Wembley nightmare.

'Northampton just didn't mount enough of a challenge

'to ever threaten to unsettle Bradford City.

'Final score from Wembley, it's so disappointing.

'It's Bradford City 3, Northampton Town 0.'

I was certain that we were going to win that game.

But we didn't, we got beat and we got beat comfortably.

It is really horrible.

You know, sometimes you can draw consolation in a game

where your team loses but you have played really well.

And that can be a small consolation to you,

but I can't even clutch at that one.

You just feel like you have let everybody down,

it is such a horrible feeling.

On my journey into football's mental health, I have discovered

that many of my fellow professionals have suffered in silence.

Yes, that's right.

And even tried to take their own lives.

I have seen how other countries like Germany tackle this taboo.

And now it is time for us to rise to the challenge.

This process has been cathartic for me.

And allowed me to tackle my own demons.

It has helped me to accept that failure on the football pitch

does not mean failure in life.

I had invested so much in my personal psychological state

in success in this game when, you know,

the reality is that I have actually gained more, I think,

in defeat because it is from that that...

..I realise and appreciate what it is that actually makes me

whole, what it is that is important to me.

I had my priorities all wrong, you know, like I kept saying,

football defined me as what gave me my position in life.

Whereas...

you know,

don't get me wrong, football means a lot to a lot of people.

But being a father and a husband means more.

-Would you like something to eat?

-INTERVIEWER: So have you retired now?

Have I? That's a really good question.

"Have I retired?"

I think I am ready for the next step now.

-Hi there.

-Good morning, sir. Is this it?

Yeah, Clarke, this is the necessary document.

It wasn't an easy decision.

The fact of the matter is that my body can't do

what I want it to do any more.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my entire career,

but it doesn't define me as a human being.

-Should probably read this before I sign it.

-Yeah, you probably should.

Free's up a wage.

I can now go and get an experienced international in(!)

CLARKE LAUGHS

-That's all done.

-Brilliant, cheers.

-All the very best for the future.

-Thank you very much.

..no.

-Thank you very much.

-Well done.

Oh-hoo-hoo! Here it is. I am done.

Free at last! Free at last!

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