Parkinson, Morecambe & Wise

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

When Morecambe and Wise received a special award at this year's BAFTA, I wondered why it had taken so long.

Perhaps comedians are only appreciated when they can no longer make us laugh.

Easily taken for granted, they were around a long time, like furniture. And they were so wonderfully funny.

It seems like yesterday when we watched them on TV.

In fact, Eric died 15 years ago. Ernie died earlier this year.

They were not just our funniest double act, they compared with any double act, anywhere, any time.

If people have a sense of humour, they will laugh at Eric and Ernie.

I interviewed them in 1972. We're going to revisit that tonight.

Raquel Welch was on the same show.

We start with a short clip from her interview, because it sets up what followed from Morecambe and Wise.

Were you a good-looking kid?

I don't think I was. I had a parting in the middle and braids

and my dad always said that I should be...I don't know, sort of...neat.

I wasn't allowed ruffles, or to have my hair in curls like other girls.

So I never really thought of myself as pretty-pretty. But when I...

when I got a little older, the equipment arrived. LAUGHTER

I thought, "Gee, this is terrific. Maybe I should try it out little."

-And I'd sort of strut my stuff around, to see how it worked. And it worked pretty good.

-I'll bet.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

By golly.

I was 15 when my equipment arrived.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm bigger than you thought, aren't I?

I was 40 when it left.

LAUGHTER

I'm 45, now. I think it's coming back again.

-There's hope for us all.

-There is.

I was saying you've been together for a long time, some 30 years, now.

-He had the operation yesterday.

-Yes.

How young were you when you went on stage first?

-On stage professionally, or at the beginning?

-As yourself.

-Seven.

-Yes, I used to perform in a double act in the clubs and up the country.

-What kind of double act was it?

ERIC SNIGGERS I was... It was very good.

It was. I've heard it was very nice. Do a bit.

-What happened was, I used to...

-With his dad, you know.

This is very sensitive and dear to me.

-My dad and I used to go around the clubs.

-What was the name?

-We were called Bert Carson and Kid.

He was Bert Carson.

-We did hit numbers...

-His father was a midget, you know. Like that.

Hit numbers like... # I'm knee-deep in daisies... #

And I used to do a clog dance. And the little legs used to go...

Oh, yes! There'd be steam and fur burning.

And...It Happened On The Beach At Bally-Bally, Winter Wonderland...

Then the big number. Dad put on a white suit, blacked up,

like a minstrel, singing, # Little pal... # I was on his knee.

Lying down, asleep.

I was only about that big, wasn't I?

-You're not much bigger now.

-I feed him!

And why not? He'd sing, # Little pal, if Daddy goes away... #

HE GABBLES NEXT LINE

-He didn't do it like that!

-I cut it down. He did nine choruses!

# If some day I should be on a new daddy's knee, don't forget about me, little pal. #

-Great.

-Then he'd drop him and run.

-It was the back of my jacket.

-Can you match that experience when you first started?

No, my dad's a tall fella. Yes. No.

No, I started off in amateur concerts at Miss Hunter's dancing class over the Plaza.

That was at Morecambe. I used to live at Christie Avenue, number 43

and our Peggy used to live at 23, Christie Avenue.

She came down in about 1930...1937, and she said,

"Sadie...."

That's my mother's name. Aunty Sadie, she used to call her, cos she liked her.

"Aunty Sadie, I'm taking dancing class." Mother said, "How much?"

Our Peggy said, "A shilling." She said, "Take him with you.

"Keep him out the way on Saturday mornings." I was the only boy there.

-Really. Then I had private lessons.

-ERNIE SPLUTTERS

And I ended up as the only GIRL there.

He grew his hair. They were never sure.

-When did you meet?

-What?

Oh, him and I? Yesterday morning, wasn't it?

-I wish you'd introduce us. I don't know him.

-Where did we first meet?

-My audition.

That's right. I saw his audition.

I won the Lancashire and Cheshire Contest in Hoylake, just outside Liverpool,

We worked with Glenda Jackson. She comes from Hoylake. Quickly.

It was at Manchester. You gave this audition.

The first prize was an audition - no money, an audition. And he was with Hylton at the time,

-and he saw my audition.

-What did you do? You had the top hat...

-I did double acts in those days - Flanagan and Allen, I used to do.

-Flanagan and Allen.

-Yes.

-By yourself?

-Yes.

-How?

-I have false legs.

It's true.

I'd just put this battered top hat on and sing # Underneath the arches... #

I used to do that a lot. I still do.

-It's a gift.

-Then you began the act together. Clubs and things, was it?

-We have worked clubs, but not a lot.

-No.

The first act we did... When we started, we were both doing singles.

I was doing a single act. I did Run Rabbit Run. I was all sophisticated, with a straw hat and white coat.

I had a comedy image before that with a bowler hat and a 'tache.

But then, I was doing this sophisticated act and I met Eric in Swansea.

I was being what they called a droll comic in those days.

I sang I'm Not All There.

LAUGHTER He's still doing it.

I hated it really, cos I was about 13, 14, 15.

I hated singing that song,

cos I had to dress up in a beret, the kiss curl, the big glasses and a lollipop,

a cut-down coat with a pin, short trousers, red socks and suspenders.

-It was basically a Northern idea of comedy.

-The interesting part was,

-I had almost the same outfit.

-But he wore it outside.

LAUGHTER

-The funny thing about it was that we both had this very big safety pin that used to fasten the jacket.

-Yes.

What about other acts at the time?

Do you have any memories of them on the bill?

-Well, the double acts. That's where we got our double act.

-Excuse me. Ta.

-I'll stop talking(!)

-I wasn't doing business.

-You're not?

-No.

-It's probably neat gin, I should think.

-We used to work with other acts...

-Yeuch!

Water.

-Moon and Bentley.

-Moon and Bentley.

-Georgy Moon and Dick Bentley.

-They used to do a double act.

-Great act.

-Very funny. Marvellous. And we would...emulate.

-Is that the word?

-On the side of the stage. We emulated them...

-How much emulating did you do?

-A lot!

Between 12 and 17, I never stopped.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Was that before or after you got the equipment?

Instead of.

So...

I've got a small arse as well, you know.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, who were the influences on your career?

-Oh yeah, Laurel and Hardy.

-Laurel and Hardy.

Honestly, perfectly seriously,

if you analyse what we do at all, you will see a tremendous amount of Laurel and Hardy.

I watched them as a kid.

Stan...not Stan, the other one...Oliver Hardy.

He was the first to USE a camera.

He always looked. "Give me number three." He would go like that.

Straight out. Fabulous. You're not allowed to do it now.

-We tried to do it in some films.

-They wouldn't let us do it.

-We're in the camera, really.

-Couldn't go on.

Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello influenced us to the extent that we had American accents.

-Really?

-Yes. I'm waiting for him to lose his.

Hullo, there. Great to be here. Woo-ooh!

I've got records at home of Ernie and I in early broadcasts of about 1941

where we ARE Abbott and Costello - where we go,

"I'm a bad boy! Ooh-ooh!" All that. I listen to them now and colour up.

-Yeah.

-I blush.

-"Now what are you going to do, Morecambe?"

-"You can't get away with that!"

-We did, though.

-They don't know Abbott and Costello. We're too old.

When did you get to the West End? Before the War?

Ernie did. Ernie was there before the War.

Well, I gave an audition to Brian Michie and I went to the Prince's Theatre

-and appeared there in the bowler hat, the little 'tache and the cut-down suit.

-In about 1940,

-we did Strike A New Note.

-What were you doing?

-Sid Field.

-Sid Field.

-Beautiful girls in that show.

-Beautiful.

-They used to walk about naked.

-Yes, it's true.

-Remember? Beautiful showgirls.

Black shoes and black gloves. Like the five of spades.

Fantastic.

HE MOUTHS I remember George Black said if he didn't blink once, he'd go blind.

That was when I started wearing these.

That's where I got that from, you know.

You could look in at the back of this hotel. Things went on there!

Those Americans were tearing it down.

-That's where we learnt all about it.

-Were you doing song and dance?

-Well, glorified.

-We were never sure what we were - chorus boys, or...

-Chorus boy.

-Do you know what a chorus boy is?

I'll show you a chorus boy. Could we see one? Show him a chorus boy.

BIG BAND MUSIC

MALE CHORUS CROONS: # You were never lovelier

# You were never so fair

# You were never lovelier

THEY MIME: # Lovelier, lovelier

# Lovelier

# Lovelier

# Lovelier!

SOPRANO: # Lovelier!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-Didn't know about that, did you?

-No.

He didn't know when he'd done it!

Oh, dear me.

-Patrick Moore looks extraordinary doesn't he? We all did.

-He's playing pantomime, isn't he?

-Who?

-He's not, is he?

-He'll be good.

He left the studio like that and went and bit somebody's neck!

Tell me, when you went...

You spent a tremendously long time on the road, playing the theatres after the War.

What was that like? Was it an enjoyable time, or what?

It was tough in the first place. You start in the small theatres then you move into the Moss Empires.

-We were always second spot. We had to register straight away.

-What about the Glasgow theatres?

They were tough.

-They had a thing against English comics.

-Couldn't understand them.

Once, we came off to our own footsteps.

The fireman was in the corner. He said, "They're getting to like you."

-They hadn't thrown anything.

-They sat there.

There's a comic - I won't mention his name - he fainted. Des O'Connor.

-Won't mention his name.

-APPLAUSE

He actually walked on and went, "Well..."

Out.

-He was carried off.

-Did they applaud?

-What for(?)

-Oh, dear.

-# Any time you feel lonely... #

And he was, that night.

It must have been an extraordinary era to learn the business in -

survive that, you'll survive anything.

-Basically.

-The Windmill was the same.

-Was it?

-Oh, yes. Worse. Worse.

-We followed...

-We only lasted a week there.

I became a nervous wreck.

We did. Tell him the story. And let me interrupt.

-Well, first of all we gave them an audition - van Dam.

-He was known by his initials.

-LAUGHTER He was!

-He was known as VD.

-Yes.

Really.

-We were quite shocked, weren't we?

-Yes. We just laughed.

But anyway, we gave an audition, little tiny room about that big.

And he stood there and watched us do this performance.

We did run-across gags. The pianist played. We sang the opening song - How About A Ramble In The Moonlight?

-He came on and did quickies - like with an urn. "What's a Greek EARN?"

-30 bob a week.

-He was flabbergasted and he booked us.

-There's a man outside with a funny face.

-Tell him you've got one.

-The Invisible Man's outside.

-Tell him I can't see him. Did all those.

Quick, though.

-My dog's got no nose. How does he smell?

-Terrible.

-We did all those. We're doing them now.

We had a fishing rod, a stick with string on it

with an apple, to hang over the orchestra.

-What are you doing?

-Fishing.

-You need a worm, not an apple.

-The worm's inside the apple.

-It took years to drop that, didn't it?

-We used to follow an orgy.

-An orgy?

-An orgy.

-We called it that.

-It's nothing nowadays. but we called it...

I AM going bald! We called it an orgy. It was a thing called...

I'll have to get one of them.

-LAUGHTER

-It was thing called...

Lilleth.

We followed this orgy where all the girls strip off and they just stand there.

And we'd be on the side...

-setting the props.

-With his props. I'd be ready to go on.

-Not looking. He's very moral.

-Yes.

-On I'd go, singing the opening song.

-Forgetting the words.

Then I'd do the quickies. But the audience were all fellas out there.

If somebody left the front row, they'd fight.

They'd climb over to the front row to get near for the next show, cos it was continuous. We died, awful.

The opening line was "Hello, music-lovers."

Hello, music-lovers!

-No chance. They were climbing over the seats. You'd had it. They didn't listen to our witty jokes.

-No.

Someone else didn't listen - the TV audience, the first time you did TV.

I didn't know till I saw the cuttings,

a cruel remark about your first TV series. Was it Logan Gourlie?

-Logan Gourlie, in the People. He said... Have you got it?

-You say it.

-You say it nicely.

-I say it with venom.

-Are we bitter and twisted?

If he looks back, he must regret what he said.

"TV is the box they boried...buried Morecambe and Wise in."

YOU shouldn't have said it.

He said, "What's that box there? Is it a TV set? No. That's the box they buried Morecambe and Wise in."

I should have done it. No argument there.

And the other one was -

Alma Cogan was with us - "Alma Cogan stands out like a rose in a garden of weeds."

-And "Get 'em off."

-He was to the point, wasn't he?

-What was the reason for this?

-Very simple. It was terrible!

-We were.

-I wish the BBC had kept the tapes.

-They couldn't afford it, but I'd like to have seen them to see how...

-In fact,

they weren't as bad as people make out.

-They were only one a fortnight.

-And it was the early stages of TV.

I'm sure they weren't THAT bad. But there's no record.

Since when, this extraordinary rise to the top,

that was nearly brought to a premature end four years ago today, when you had your heart attack.

I'll do anything for a laugh.

-How are you feeling? You feeling all right?

-Great. Never felt better.

APPLAUSE

I thought that would happen with Raquel!

For a different reason.

And in a different place.

-You nearly fell over the equipment!

-It seems daft to ask, but was there a funny side to it?

-The illness?

In a way, there was.

I...We were working at this club in Batley,

as assistant waiters.

I got bit of a twinge in my arm and said to Ernie, "I don't feel too good. Can I go home tonight?"

-"I'll sign the autograph," I said.

-"You sign it." Cos his wife always asks him for his autograph.

And, er...

-She said you were good, tonight.

-Yeah?

-I drove home in the car... Thank you.

-OK.

I drove home in the car... Cheers.

I must say, you've got a lovely home.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

And as I was driving home, the pain got worse and worse -

up both arms, across the chest, sweating.

And driving along.

Funnily enough, I didn't realise, fortunately, it was a heart attack, you see.

Because I'd have had a heart attack and died!

Because I always thought a heart attack was...ba-hai-ba-hai!

-But it's not at all. It's...

-HE WHISTLES

-And...

-It's like what?

-ERIC WHISTLES

I thought I'd better pop myself into hospital. I was driving the car and it was getting worse.

This was about 1.30am.

I stopped a fella in Leeds and I said, "I don't feel well, do you think you could...?"

I had a Jensen in those days. I said, "Could you take me to a hospital? I don't feel well."

Walter Butterworth. I'll never forget him. Not his real name, but I'll never forget it.

He said, "Yes. Oh, aye."

"Eh! You're...

"..Morton and White!" I said, "Yes, Morecambe and Wise."

He said, "I've never driven one of these. I'm in the Territorials. I've only driven a tank."

This is true.

So he gets in and 7,000 quid goes pshoing...up the road.

It was me, going a-a-ah! I got to the stage where I didn't care less.

So he takes me to a hospital and it's locked.

True.

He's going bang bang on the french windows. I'm going...like this.

And these windows open like that

There's a fella in braces and pants going, "You can't come in here."

He goes, "Look!" "You can't."

He opens it a little crack and says, "This isn't a proper hospital. You want the main one up the road."

He explained where it was and Walter drove me. I got out the car and he ran.

It was up a hill.

He went in there to try and get me some form of...wheelchair, you know.

He said, "Five minutes." I was there waiting.

So I start to walk up this hill, like Quasimodo.

I go in, and he's said to the fella "Eric Morecambe's out there and he's not well."

He wouldn't let him have a chair. I walk in. The fella goes, "Oh, yes!"

And he says to all the boils and the cuts and the slashes in out-patients', "Eh! It IS him!"

LAUGHTER

It's true. My real name is Bartholomew. I never tell anyone, but it's Bartholomew.

He says, "You don't look good, son." "I'd like to sign myself into hospital."

He said, "Well, right."

"Name?" I thought, I won't say Bartholomew, I'll say Morecambe. "All right."

"Address?" Gave it. "Age?" I lied about that!

He said, "Lie down on that thing." So I'm lying down on the stretcher.

Next thing, I'm being injected. Walter Butterworth is sat with me.

I said, "Thank you for all your help." He said, "That's OK. My pleasure."

He said, "My mates won't believe this."

He says - and these are the exact words -

"Will you do us a favour?" "What?"

"Before you go, will you sign this?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's true, that!

Perfectly true. Four years ago, tonight.

Extraordinary, this relationship you've had for the last 30 years.

-Do you have a social relationship as well, Ernie?

-Well, not really.

We don't really mix much. But we go to dos together. And we work together. We're together so much...

-We've been together today.

-Yes. So we don't really...

-Eric, as you know, has his... HE MOUTHS

-What?

-Football.

-Luton Town, yes.

-You were with them.

-You thought it was a brass band!

-Where were we?

-We got lost!

-We were going to ask you the same question. Where were we? Oh, yes!

I was going to ask you the thing people always ask - how do you get these personalities onto your show?

You have the knack of persuading the most unlikely people -

Andre Previn, Glenda Jackson, people like this. How do you do it?

Quite simple, really.

-Our producer does it. John.

-John.

We say, "You'll never get her! You'll never get him!"

He touches his moustache. "We'll see." He rings them up. They say yes.

But they've got to agree to coming on with the two of you. They know what they're in for.

They're lining up to be insulted. I mean it in the nicest possible way.

But honestly, I think they know we will approach it professionally

-and we'll give them a good run for their money - that's what it is.

-Yes.

-Have you contemplated splitting up, at all?

-Not till now.

How does the relationship work? Who decides what's funny? Who...?

Ernie does all the business side.

We split the money equally - 60-40.

-But you pay less tax.

-Of course. Cos he gets 60, I get 40.

What about other comedians? Do you have comics that you find funny?

-Yes.

-Like who?

-Tommy Cooper.

-To me, he's one of the greats.

-Funny mover.

And...one of the...the other one who for me, I feel, is the way I'd like to end up in show business,

if I could get away - not get away, but if I could be like him, at his age - is Arthur Askey.

Cos I think he's a gentleman, you know.

-He's got a wit, that makes me go...

-He's quick.

-Very.

-But I'm more likely to end up like him, cos I'm nearer his size!

What about the people who make you laugh?

I agree, I like Tommy Cooper. I like funny movers, not so much talkers. I like funny talkers,

but comedians should move funny - besides talking funny.

Jacques Tati said his humour begins in the feet. Is that true?

Yes. Comics have good legs. I mean that. Cos they do a lot of walking about.

If you're in a pantomime from 1pm to 11pm and you're on your legs, you need good legs.

-But the shape of Tommy Cooper's feet - you've got it too.

-No.

I've got dainty, pretty feet.

-He only takes a six.

-On that foot. 11 on the other. To make up for it.

And I'm a six-and-a-half. Tiny feet.

-What about movies? Your movies haven't been as successful as your TV series.

-Not what we wanted.

-Does he mean "films"?

-Yes. Not the blue ones.

-The other ones.

-Oh, the other ones.

-Yes.

-I'd like to make movies like this.

-Like what?

-He's doing rude signs.

This is Pontefract in Yorkshire, the home town of the greatest sweet of all time, the Liquorice Allsort.

Pontefract is a monument to our sweet tooth.

For over 100 years, the five factories making Liquorice Allsorts

have had their demand supplied by the home growers, but no longer.

They're now importing liquorice from Turkey. Consequently, the industry here has died.

This is positively the last crop of liquorice to be grown in Pontefract.

At the end of the year, no more. The end.

APPLAUSE

-That was extraordinary. Where did you get that from?

-Oh, we find 'em.

-We know where the bodies are buried.

-Would you like to make more movies?

-We got it off Lew Grade.

-I look like I've got the lurgy.

-See what I mean?

-Frightening, isn't it?

But the thing is, that was done by making it up as I went along.

-He's got fear in his eyes! He doesn't know what'll happen next.

-I wonder what else you've got!

-Don't stand up quickly.

-We haven't got to the photographs, yet!

What about making other movies, though?

What's the problem behind making them?

-Is it suitable scripts?

-Yes.

-We wish we'd made Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid.

-Or The Odd Couple.

Or The Odd Couple. We do. Those are the films we'd have liked to have made, but...

LAUGHTER

-I met a fella...

-Did that remind you?

-Yes.

No, I met a fella in the hotel last week.

He said, "I like your show. My mate wondered which one of you was bent!"

Charming!

-Well, you used to do scenes in bed together.

-That's a Laurel and Hardy influence.

-Yes.

You see, they did it in those days

and nobody said it was...er... you know, effeminate or anything. Nobody said that.

-In those days...

-We didn't understand.

-No.

It was two men who slept together. Nowadays, it's considered wrong.

That's why, in these bed routines, I always make it mannish as I can

by smoking a pipe.

-The earrings...

-I've never yet met a queer with a pipe!

-The earrings are just accidental.

Oh, dear.

-What about American audiences?

-A lot of people are saying that. No, I like them,

-cos they're over there.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-You've worked there.

-We did the Ed Sullivan Show.

-A lot of Sullivan shows.

-He introduced us as a three-handed act - Morey, Cambey and Wise.

-Really?

-Morey, Cambey and Wise.

-Like a seal act.

-Morey, Cambey and Wise.

-You've no ambition to go over there?

As far as I'm concerned, I'd like to stay here. I love it here.

We're stars here and it's great.

If the Americans want us to go over there they've got to do it here.

They've got to buy the shows. I won't go there and say "sidewalk".

I will not say "garbage".

-That's pavement.

-It's rubbish, if you ask me.

And I'm not going to do it.

APPLAUSE

Except for the money, that's all.

-I'm just going to take the elevator.

-Are you?

-I think you're right.

"Take the elevator." It's the lift, you know.

-Before you go...

-Are we going?

-I thought it was going well.

-It is. We've done over an hour!

-Lovely.

Take you out, leave us in - great.

-We can't ask for more money.

-Why?

-They've got this freeze on.

-Oh, yes.

What about...?

Let's see. Two unexplained things for your fans.

-One is them fellas in a deck chair.

-The two old men.

-Have you ever told the end of the joke on TV?

-No. And we're not going to.

Two old men sat in deck chairs. One said, "It's nice, out."

The other old man says, "Then I'll take mine out." That is the gag.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

The irreplaceable Eric and Ernie. Let's see a great sketch from a Morecambe and Wise show.

They persuaded Andre Previn to conduct Eric and the orchestra in Grieg's Piano Concerto.

They said it was the funniest sketch they ever did. Don't argue. Marvel.

-Thank you.

-ORCHESTRA TUNES UP

-This the band?

-This is the band.

I've seen better bands on a cigar.

Which one's the fixer?

-Which one?

-Which one?

-The one in the gold lame suit.

-They usually are.

Right! I'll go and get the music.

-Incidentally, where's the piano?

-It's...

Never mind, this'll do.

-I hope you understand all these squiggly lines.

-I think so.

-Good, because the second movement is most important to me - not too heavy on the banjoes there.

-Oh, no!

-Keep it down.

-Yes...

-Watch that rrrngg chhnk rrngg chhnk - vulgar!

-Way down.

-That's the word I was looking for. Good. That is me there.

There, look. Me, playing the Grieg piano concerto.

-A signed autograph later on, boys.

-If I could explain to Mr Preview.

Notice that Eric plays the ORIGINAL version of the concerto.

The one before we went decimal.

-But this is NOT the original version.

-Not the original?

-No. no.

After the opening timpani roll, in the original the piano takes over.

In here, you've got that played by the full orchestra.

Ah, yes, but...this is a special arrangement.

A special arrangement of the Grieg? I've never heard of that.

That's the idea! Everybody plays it this way. We'll be different.

-Whatever you say.

-I'll announce it.

-Yes, do.

-You're doing well.

-Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, Grieg's piano concerto by Grieg...

soloist Mr Eric Morecambe, conducted by Mr Andre Previn. Thank you.

ORCHESTRA PLAY OPENING BARS

SILENCE, THEN LAUGHTER

What's the matter?

-Sorry!

-What happened?

-The introduction.

-It's wrong?

-Too short.

-It's too short!

-Oh, you noticed?

-By how much is it too short?

-Well, I went down here...

-and came back..

-You wasted some time.

-I wasted time there, yes.

Over here...and it's about... I'd say about that much.

-About a yard?

-It's about a yard.

-A yard.

-If you lengthen it by about a yard, we'll be in.

-What can we do about that?

-Don't ask me, ask my musical manager.

-Could we contact Grieg?

-Good idea!

-Call him on the phone?

-Why not?

-I didn't bring his phone number.

It's Norway something or other.

-What's the code?

-Fingal's Cave, isn't it?

-Fingal's Cave.

Mind you, he could be out skiing.

Look, could we just try it again?

-Tell you what, this time I'll sit there waiting!

-What a good thought!

-I'll announce it again.

-All right.

Grieg's piano concerto, soloist Eric Morecambe, conductor Andrew Preview.

ORCHESTRA PLAY OPENING BARS

LAUGHTER

What?

-Any time.

-Could I have a word with you, please?

What happened there?

It's one of those things where...

-Has he gone?

-No, he's over there.

-You see - I hope you don't mind me saying this...

-No.

-When you got to my cue...

-Mmm.

-I couldn't see you for the lid of the piano.

-Yes.

-It was in the way.

-Was it? Yes it was.

-Yes.

-In the way.

-I don't know what we can do.

-He wants to be taller, doesn't he? Could you wear high heels?

-Again?

-You don't have to, you know.

-I don't know what we can do.

I have a suggestion.

Would you jump up in the air...

so I can see you over the lid of the piano?

You want me to jump up on the rostrum, so you can see my cue?

Yes, I mean, if you'd do that for me, you know? If you'd...do that.

I'll do that for you.

-I'll announce it.

-Nice man, isn't he?

-Isn't he charming?

Grieg...with him and him!

-Great!

-You got it!

HE PLAYS A JOLLY TUNE

Something wrong with the violins?

-No, they're fine.

-That's your opinion.

What... What were you playing, just then?

A Greek piano concerto.

But you're playing... You're playing all the wrong notes.

I'm playing...all the right notes.

But not necessarily... in the right order.

I'll give you that. I'll give you that, sunshine.

That sounded quite reasonable to me.

Are you satisfied, Mr Preview?

-No!

-No! What do you mean, no!!

-I'm not satisfied.

-Why not?!!

Look, would you mind? Just...

Another £4, we could have got Edward Heath!

APPLAUSE

HE PLAYS GRIEG PIANO CONCERTO

Rubbish.

HE PLAYS A JOLLY TUNE

That's it! You got it!

LOUD APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

They were, they are the best. Next week, Hollywood men,

interviews with Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon, Orson Welles, Kirk Douglas,

James Stewart, Henry Fonda, Yul Brynner, Dustin Hoffman,

Robert Redford, John Wayne and James Cagney.

If that doesn't entice you, then nothing will. Good night.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by BBC Subtitling - 1999