Nina Conti - A Ventriloquist's Story: Her Master's Voice

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

LAUGHTER

Don't laugh - it happens, you know.

MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma"

# Diluegua, o notte

# Tramontate, stelle... #

-It's a cheap lighter, Nina.

-LAUGHTER

If it was a cheap lighter, you'd be able to blow out the flame.

LAUGHTER

Now is the winter of our discontent,

-made glorious summer...

-What's that?

It's just some shit I wrote when I was locked in a room with a typewriter.

# Vince-e-e-ero. #

-Thank you very much.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'I don't know if the story I want to tell you is factual

'because, by its nature, it demands a certain addition to reality.

'I mean, I'm talking to puppets.

'But people have asked, "Is it a documentary?"

-Is it a documentary, Nina?

-Well, I don't know.

-There are no lies - it all happened.

-So it's factual?

Well, yeah. Here are the basic facts.

I've been a ventriloquist for about ten years

because of a man called Ken Campbell.

HE DRONES IN HIS THROAT

-Who's Ken Campbell, Nina?

-Well, he's impossible to describe.

-Google him then.

-He was indefinable. He, kind of, broke all boundaries.

He worked underground in the British theatre scene.

Under the actual ground, Nina?

No, he was massively influential, but in a... In a subterranean way.

-What are you on about?

-With proper actors.

If you worked with Ken - if you were lucky enough to work with Ken -

it did mark you for life. It did. LAUGHTER

From now on, our lives are going to be either

Before Campbell or After Campbell.

-You had a relationship with him.

-What?

-With sex and everything.

He was 60, you were 26. I mean, tell us about that, Nina.

-Shut up, monkey.

-Go on.

I'm not after it sounding...

He was a writer, he was a director, but what he was really astounding at

was playing God with other people.

Like a deranged demiurge.

Well, he was a truffle pig for other people's talents.

He could snort out forgotten art forms and find you something batty

that you didn't even realise you'd be good at.

And for me, that was ventriloquism.

Look at you standing there,

trying not to move your mouth. What an arsehole.

Now it's time for Nina Conti.

But ten years on now, I'm wondering if this art form has its limitations

and there always seems to be a certain section of the audience

that despairs as soon as they see I'm a ventriloquist.

So, uh... What exactly are you trying to say, Nina?

I don't know. I mean, I don't know how much money we can make -

for how long I can keep this up with you, Monkey.

Um, I mean, we could go on...

We could go like this...

And I'd rather leave it when we were doing well.

"This is the last will and testament of me, Kenneth Victor Campbell,

"aka Henry Pilk,

"Prettyboy Tentringer

-"and The Acorn Pig."

-The Acorn Pig.

"I give to Nina Conti all my ventriloquist's manikins -

"also referred to as dolls, dummies or puppets -

"together with all my collection books

"relating to the art of the ventriloquist

"and any material contained in or recorded on other media relating to the same."

-Oh, my God.

-So it's definitely yours.

MUSIC: "Simple Twist Of Fate" by Bob Dylan

So, at the very time when I was about to put away my one puppet,

I suddenly became responsible for a load more.

Dog was Ken's main puppet. He seemed particularly taciturn.

Well, it took me a while to get a word into any of them.

-There was Crow...

-A kind of daft glove.

-Owl.

-Owl? You thought long and hard about these names, Nina.

A blokey granny who I remember Ken using

in the role of the American novelist Gertrude Stein...

-..and Jack.

-The archetypal cliche

of a horror-movie ventriloquist's manikin.

But most formidable of all was the puppet of Ken himself.

# Felt and emptiness inside

# To which he just could not relate

They're such uniquely bereaved objects.

They lose their voices.

I felt as if something was expected of me.

I started looking through Ken's notes and books for clues...

# Hunts her down By the waterfront docks

# Where the sailors all come in. #

..when suddenly, hidden amongst it all,

I found this long forgotten note from Ken insisting that I go

to the World Ventriloquists' Convention in Kentucky.

# This simple twist of fate. #

Now, this was the place where Kenneth bought

the Teach Yourself Ventriloquism kit that got me started,

but also, I found these photos of an extraordinary-looking place

called Vent Haven, which seemed to be a graveyard

for puppets of dead ventriloquists.

Only in America, Nina.

So I decided to go on one last Ken-inspired adventure.

I'm going to go to Kentucky

and I'm going to donate Ken's dog puppet to Vent Haven.

Vent Haven - where dummies can go and rest.

I'm also going to time my visit with the convention

so that I can meet lots of ventriloquists

and lots of their puppets and give this art form

-one last thorough going over.

-Freak.

It's a laying to rest of sorts,

because I feel I'm coming to the end of my ventriloquism caper.

We're going to go to Kentucky for a week in July

and, uh, we're going to film the ventriloquist convention

and take all Ken's puppets and she's going.

That sounds good.

-Well, that went well.

-Yeah, that went well.

That's great. When... Am I going? Can I come?

No.

You'll never get away with this. Never, never, never.

Oh, shut up.

Oh, quite cosy.

-OK?

-Have you got my pills?

Yes, your pills are here and I'm going to pack them as well.

Cos they go into separate containers for every day.

-Mm-hmm. I know.

-Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - you know?

If you get it wrong, all hell breaks loose.

OK. No, your pills are fine and you're fine

and I'll see you on the other side.

Oh, your nose.

See you in Kentucky.

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

-SHE LAUGHS

-Are we nearly there yet?

-I think it's quite cosy.

-I need a drink.

-Hell yeah.

-Oh, no - my finger's stuck.

-I think so.

-A whole flight and no peanuts.

No film either.

-Oh, dear.

-Oh, hell.

-That was a bit of a bump.

This is barbaric.

-We're here!

-Yeah, we're here - we did it.

# We're all going On a summer holiday.

Or so we said at customs.

-How was it?

-Yeah, touch and go, but it was good, it was good.

It's fine. Lots of layers of customs.

Just made me think it's all done, they've taken your fingerprints...

You then have to re-check your luggage.

-Jesus Christ. Heavy-handed.

-Yeah.

And those customs guys are something else, you know.

Like beefcakes, you know, full of law.

Really? Really your kind of guys.

The Drawbridge Inn. Here it is. Very exciting.

Hello. Have you got a room for Nina Conti?

-How do you do.

-He's not listed.

-You didn't list me?

-No.

-How dare you.

-Here it is.

-Thank you.

-We just need ID and...

-Oh, right.

For a payment. Here's your room number.

-Just go down this main hallway.

-OK.

-Is there a window?

-Mm-hmm. There's a window in your room.

-Great.

-All right.

-Have a great day.

-Complementary nuts?

-Have a good time.

Here in Britain, sadly, ventriloquism has gone.

It's gone. But it's huge in America.

-A convention?

-Yes, we have the ventriloquist convention going on

and so people are, like, moving around,

so you're going to see some strange things.

It's about 300, 500 or something ventriloquists of all sorts.

And they're real Americans, not like in the movies -

peculiar, specially-bred Americans -

these are proper, roaring great arse...

-Sorry, Monk - you're a bit squashed there.

-It's OK.

-What do you reckon, Monkey?

-Depressing as hell.

-What's wrong with it?

-It's corporate.

-Is this Vent Haven?

-No, this is the hotel room.

-Is Vent Haven as shitty as this?

-OK, Jack.

-This is the room.

-Hellhole.

You're not American. You're not Dog.

You're not getting the hang of this, are you?

Oh, it reminds me of the old folks' home.

I'll sit here and write a wee letter, shall I?

Do you mind sleeping in a half-open drawer?

-Oh, not really - I'm not very fussy. I'd like a pillow.

-Yeah.

Oh, my ironing.

-Oh, I forgot you.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-You're jolly.

-I'm the only jolly one.

-Why are you jolly?

-I don't know. Do you want any quick advice?

Yeah, how do I jolly these others up?

-Have a beer.

-OK.

-Actually, no.

-What?

Inflate Ken's balls.

Nice when you're quiet anyway, bitch.

-I'm winning.

-Up yours.

Oh, dear. Actually smells of him.

You won't resurrect him this way.

-Get beer.

-Thanks, Crow. Yes, I'm going to.

-Can I come?

-Yes, Crow, yes, Monkey - you can both come.

We'll leave the others to get some rest. Oops, nearly got your beak.

I can't help feeling slightly disappointed by the hotel.

And that this great, promisingly colourful event

takes place in this dreary, sort of, Ibis-style motel by the freeway.

Yeah, it's truly dire.

Not truly dire, but it's a bit grim.

-Yeah, truly dire.

-But we'll make it fun, you know.

We'll have to, just, have good chats in the hotel room and...

Oh, no - there's a fly on the inside of my beer.

Drink it. Drink it.

Um... You're not going to speak, are you?

Not while you're drinking.

# Oh, buffalo gals Won't you come out tonight

# Can't you come out tonight Can't you come out tonight

# And dance By the light of the moon. #

-Look what I'm reading, Monkey.

-Problems Of The Self. Good choice.

That stupid, big puppet in the corner.

Don't talk about Ken like that.

He doesn't live, you know?

Cumbersome. How am I ever going to get him around?

-I don't know.

-I can't make him talk.

-Why do you think that is?

-I don't feel worthy.

-What about the others?

-Well, Gran's very comforting.

-In fact, I've made you all rather comforting.

-Not Jack.

No, Jack's not comforting.

And Owl is a halfwit.

Don't say that. This feels silly.

Talking in an empty room in the middle of the night

in Kentucky to an imaginary monkey?

-Yeah.

-You don't like it any more?

Don't you? You don't like it any more?

No, I don't like it any more.

Who dared to put wet fruit-bat poo in our dead mummy's bed?

Was that you, Verity?

You should be able to say, "Who dared to," without moving your lips at all.

Have a go now. "Who dared to. Who dared to," yeah, fine.

"Put, put," not so easy and that's because of the P.

The P is an explosion of air.

Hump the back of your tongue into the soft palate up above

to explode air through right at the back.

Puh. It's "puh". So, "Who dared to...put", you see?

Do you remember, Ken, that you were the only director

to ever looked me in the eye when you gave me a direction?

I've done a few TV shows and directors don't tend to do that.

They give all the direction to Nina.

You did that, so I appreciate that.

He "akkreciates" that, Ken - do you hear that?

Yeah. The P is a K.

You taught us that.

-VOICE BREAKING:

-And, um...

..thanks.

-CRYING:

-Thanks for, "Who dared to put wet fruit-bat turd

"in our dead mummy's bed?

"Was that you, Verity?"

You are...my...

..idea of heaven.

-Dog, meet dog.

-Pleased to meet you.

Nice to meet you too - you're so small.

Yeah, I can't believe what's going on here. It's so exciting.

It is a little crazy, isn't it?

Nice to meet you. What's your name?

-Oh, you're winking over there.

-Yeah, my name is Corky.

He's corky, I'm Cookie.

-What happened?

-Oh, well they call me Roadkill.

Oh, no - Roadkill?

Hi, I'm Squirrely Shirley.

Squirrely Shirley, we're all getting quite intimate here, aren't we?

-You're a real star.

-No, you're the star, honey. I want to be you.

-SHE LAUGHS

-That's very nice.

# I want to be you I want to be me. #

I hate parties.

Oh, look - time for me to go and get lunch.

-OK, well, nice to meet you.

-Was it something I said?

THUNDERCLAP

RAIN HISSES

-This is Kentucky, then.

-Yeah.

-It was all going so well.

What happened to all the ventriloquists?

I thought you said it would be sunny in Kentucky.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the executive director

of the Vent Haven International Ventriloquist Convention,

Mr Mark Wade.

APPLAUSE

Hey, everybody. We're going to have a tremendous convention.

Are you ready to have a tremendous convention with us out here?

MUSIC BOX CHIMES "POP GOES THE WEASEL"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, who the hell were you expecting?

Bozo the freakin' clown?

LAUGHTER

-Karen, what's your favourite colour?

-I like orange.

-LAUGHTER

-I LOVE orange.

-I think I like orange, too.

-LAUGHTER

# How much is that doggy In the window? #

Drop dead.

VULTURE YODELS

EXTENDS LAST NOTE

APPLAUSE

There's a new word that I learned this week at the ventriloquist convention called "bifurcating".

Your lips do one thing, your tongue does the other,

so I keep the ventriloquism the same as though we were talking

and keep it the same way, however then I can take the liberty

and have the lips do something different,

but I can't really look at you while I'm doing it, cos I have to think

so hard about what my lips are doing so that I can have them

go one way and have the tongue go the other way

and still articulate it and make it work simultaneously,

which is a little scary.

-How do you wrap your brain around it?

-Don't worry about it.

-OK.

What inspired you to become a ventriloquist?

I don't know, I think I was very shy when I was little

so having a little puppet and, you know,

getting away with saying things that, you know,

-normally I'd get in trouble for.

-Like poo-poo and potty!

-Yeah.

The personality that I have in life is slightly bland and I'm surprised I've chosen it.

I find myself eager to please and... I don't know, falsely gauche

and then you come out with what I'm really thinking

and you just, I think...

You give me an extra dimension.

Basically, I'm shy

and I think that, uh...

-Hey, hey - the hand.

-Sorry. I think that has a lot to do with it.

I don't know about all ventriloquists but I was very shy as a kid.

I, kind of, always kept it in the closet because I made the mistake

when I was about second-grade of taking it into school

for show and tell one day and I got labelled "The Kid Who Plays With Dolls".

When I'd gotten about to seventh or eighth grade, they said I played with dolls.

I said, "No, I didn't," and I threw him in the closet

and didn't get him out till after high school.

Yeah, my parents said I'd grow out of it. And...

-Here you are.

-Here I am.

MUSIC: "Skip To My Lou" by Leadbelly

# Lost my partner Skip to my Lou

# Lost my partner Skip to my Lou

# Skip to my Lou, my darling

# I'll get another one Prettier than you

# I'll get another one Prettier than you

# I'll get another one Prettier than you

# Skip to my Lou, my darling

# Hey, hey, skip to my Lou

# Hey, hey, skip to my Lou

# Hey, hey, skip to my Lou

# Skip to my Lou, my darling.

# Hey, hey, skip to my Lou

# Hey, hey, skip to my Lou

# Hey, hey, skip to my Lou

# Skip to my Lou, my darling.

# Hey, hey, skip to my Lou

# Hey, hey, skip to my Lou

# Hey, hey, skip to my Lou

# Skip to my Lou, my darling. #

We have a T-shirt from our friend Bob Hamilton.

The T-shirt says, "The voices you're hearing in your head are mine."

"Hey."

My mentor was a man called Ken Campbell.

He came here in 2000 and he remembers you,

I don't know if you remember. He was a bald English actor...

-Yeah, I remember him.

-Do you remember him?

-He had big bushy eyebrows, right?

-Yeah!

-Right?

The word comes from the Latin word "vientre".

"Vientre" is "stomach".

"Loquis" - "to speak".

So throwing your voice really means you're getting the sound

from the stomach and through the throat,

and so you've modified the sound of it.

Over here, Bob!

Over here.

They say throwing your voice, but I'm fooling your hearing.

So, I can do something like, I throw my voice in here.

But I'm not really throwing it. It's misdirection. So I said hello, see?

"Hello." See?

So, it's things like... "Hey, let me out."

There's nothing in there,

but I'm just using this to show you different...

You're directing your attention here.

CUP SQUEAKS Well, there you go.

SQUEAKING CONTINUES

See, it's a whistle.

Hello? "Hello."

See? There again, I'm doing the same thing with the whistle.

BOTTLE HISSES

HISSING STOPS That's a good one.

Jump, I'll catch you in here, OK? One, two, three, jump. "No way."

Come on. "OK." Come on.

And then I use the whistle, like... WHISTLING DESCENT

BOTTLE RATTLES Very good. Are you OK?

"Oh, I hurt my head." I'm sorry.

-Where've you been, upstart?

-I was out.

Did you talk to anyone from Vent Haven?

-No.

-You didn't?

I did, but I forgot to mention it.

Why are we here? Why are we here sitting in the hotel room?

You're drinking. My destiny is in jeopardy.

KEN CAMPBELL: 'Human beings are all actually barmier

'and crazier than they try to let it be known.

'What they develop through their educational processes

'and growing up and whatnot, and just being around,

'is that you've got to guard against your own insanity.

'Once your insanity starts to leak, right?

'That's when you're put away.

'However, the ventriloquated doll is the device

'which allows us access to the insanity of the ventriloquator.'

You not saying anything?

I'm waiting till you're listening.

Stop laughing.

Ken. You're letting him down.

What have you done with him over there, on the floor?

Headless.

-Hmm?

-What?

You haven't got my voice.

You haven't got it.

You haven't got anyone's.

It's disgusting to bring Ken out here.

You can't attempt Ken.

It's tantamount to psychic necrophilia.

Psychic necrophilia, Nina.

You disgust me. You've turned a purported tribute

into a tart's holiday. A tart's holiday. You're a...

Urgh, you're horrible.

Oh, dear.

Don't drink and do ventriloquism, I think, is the moral of this evening.

I just realised that in this film I can do my own voice-over.

Right now.

So if this was a shot of me just...

looking at the ceiling, for example,

then it would be..

..like this. That's quite weird. I like it.

I've really started talking to myself now.

There's no point in this. There really isn't.

Well, just continue with it. See where it goes.

Interview myself? What would be the point of that?

Stall the madness.

Have you tried doing a seance?

Why would I do a seance?

To try and conjure up Ken.

Ken?

I'm dead.

Ken?

Do you remember what I told you about Tuvan chanting?

I've forgotten The Tuvan chanting a bit.

SHE DRONES IN HER THROAT

I never quite got that down.

I was much better at the ventriloquism.

-Don't give up.

-Can I really go on doing it for ever, Ken?

-Yeah.

When I'm old and ugly...

..will I still get gigs?

You're already old and ugly.

The old and the ugly can get plenty of gigs

as long as they're funny.

It'll work out.

-Bored now.

-Screw you.

-I've got a rather clacky mouth.

-You have.

Yes, it, uh... It's something I've tried to...

..tried to minimise and yet I haven't so far managed.

-Your pipe's empty.

-Don't I know it.

Oh, you're the person with the little monkey, aren't you?

-LAUGHING:

-Yeah, I am. Hello.

Hello, hello. How are you?

-You're very good.

-Oh, thank you, thank you.

This was the maker of Ken.

There he is! Look, look - that's him.

He's actually having a laugh, this guy.

I think you are missing a trick with the one upstairs.

Goodness, he looks like your ex-boyfriend.

The less said about him the better.

Oh, my God. He does.

I came here with six bereaved puppets.

-You don't say?

-Yeah.

-How are they?

-They're fine.

Have you taken them to Vent Haven?

-I haven't yet but I'm going to do it tomorrow.

-You don't say.

I think they might feel rather, um... Warm, I'm hoping.

You know, they might feel rather reassured

by so many other puppets who have been through

-the same traumatic experience.

-Well, honey - I hate to say this,

but I think you're taking this whole thing too seriously.

This is just clothes. Maybe there's a swimsuit for Gran.

She wants to swim.

It's just, it's a manipulation of this scissor movement

with the hands back and forth then I'm going to take this one

and I want to have her push her hair up a little bit.

See how that wrist - that flexible wrist -

makes that look much more realistic.

-Urgh...

-Orson? Orson, what's the matter?

-I don't know.

What do you do in a situation like this?

-You die.

-All right, hang on. I'll try mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

You do and you're dead!

Urgh!

Stop! Ow, stop! Settle down.

All right, sit there a second.

-Just calm down. Try to catch your breath.

-All right.

-OK. What is that?

-CPR.

-OK.

-Yes, I'm quite skinny.

-Hopefully it's not too painful for you.

I'm hoping it'll be worth it. Oh, I see...

There is actually. You know, you could...

-There's enough arm there.

-Are you going to try?

-Do you want to sit on the stand?

-Well, I don't know the, em...

-OK.

-Oh Nina, what are you doing? This is no good!

Sorry!

-No, I don't want it like this.

-No.

No, no, bring him forward a bit. I don't mean to get personal with you there, Monkey.

No, it's this halfwit on the left here.

To start out with, OK, put the hands together, bring him so that they come together.

And then just push him, so that he's sitting with them in his lap.

-OK.

-Then we are going to just...

We're just going to try manipulating one hand.

And we're going to, you know, reach up and do a little scratch and then bring it down.

I've been waiting to scratch that itch all these years. Thank you, Dan.

-You couldn't get your arm up there, right?

-No, I couldn't.

But one of the things is I use a stand that's black.

-I'm dressed in black. It sort of helps the rods disappear.

-Yeah.

Then the idea of course is to get it all co-ordinated.

So we're going to conduct a little orchestra here.

I am very interested in the idea that puppets can say things that humans can't say.

Yes, that's for sure. But I'm not going to do that right now.

LAUGHTER

So, em... And I was was interviewing lots of ventriloquists

about when their puppets have surprised them by bringing out the side of their personality...

-..that they didn't know they had.

-Yeah. Finishing my sentences?

-Someone's got to.

Every time on stage when anything is not working...

Or we get heckled. I always side with the heckler!

LAUGHTER

So yeah, I found that a very useful comedic, um, what do you call it?

-What, vessel?

-Vessel, maybe.

-Um...

-I have to give her the words - this is really weird!

LAUGHTER

I find it quite useful to have any self-doubt.

I'm sure we're all riddled with it. You've got voices in your head

telling you you're stupid, you said that wrong, why are you standing like that?

-All that.

-All that, I say. And you love it!

They lap it up when I insult you.

Do you think that ventriloquism helps you to access a more spontaneous part of your brain?

That's a lot of big words! That's a lot of big words!

-Um...

-I think you could answer that one.

Access a spontaneous part of my brain?

-Yeah, when you have a figure on, do you think it helps?

-Oh gosh, yes, yeah.

Because I'm, you know... Eh, yeah!

Even though I know I'm on stage alone, you know,

subconsciously I rely on something to take the attention off me.

There have been times when I just want to...

I don't even realise I want to say something to this person,

then she'll say it and do this.

I can get away and say pretty much anything. What are you going to say to THAT?

The ability to have your character say something really awful, and before it's turned on you,

before they say, "Wait a minute, it was that guy that said it",

I'm already apologising to the person.

I'm already saying, "Listen, he really didn't mean it. He's just..."

You immediately defuse it. You're apologising for something he said

when you said it. I mean, it's almost like, "OK, I know the rules."

"And you're right. I'll forgive him." We've already put it in third person.

You know? We've already not only said it, not taken credit for it,

but dismissed it and apologised for it, you know.

It's complete schizophrenia gone awry, you know.

We are nuts! I take my sign down. I thought we were good. We are nuts.

At least we know the rules of insanity better than everyone else.

I was stuck in a drawn crave lost. Forgotten why we're here, tarty.

Dog... and Vent Haven. Ow!

What do you think you might do with your puppet when you are no longer with us?

My puppets, yes, they will probably go to the Vent Haven Museum.

I guess I'm going to be amongst a lot of friends. Well, you wouldn't talk much!

He'll probably end up at Vent Haven in the museum, more than likely.

-Vent Haven is certainly an option.

-I would love to give one to the Vent Haven.

I think it's an honour to be in Vent Haven and to have a figure there.

-To send them to Vent Haven.

-To Vent Haven.

-So, eh, what exactly is Vent Haven?

-Vent Haven is a place where...

..people leave their puppets and bequeath their puppets to,

because they'll be well looked after there.

And it is also open as a museum.

-As a memorial?

-Yeah, and a museum.

And so, can you see... can you see in the coffins?

It's not coffins.

So are we going to leave the dog there now?

I'll keep him with us until we possibly can, um...

Cos it would be sad to do that before time.

DIRGE-LIKE MUSIC

Hang on, I'm just referring to my notes.

-Um... can we go back a bit?

-No, it's fine. I'll carry on.

-OK.

What chemistry did you have with Ken, Nina?

Um, there was definitely a chemistry there.

I think he had... great, um, hopes for me.

-So we're going to meet Ken now.

-Yes.

-And he is going to tell us our ideas - his ideas.

-Our ideas?

-No, his ideas.

You said our ideas.

I mean, I was quite young when I knew him.

I did say stupid things.

There only exists one video of me with him.

And he's telling such an interesting story.

And I pick up on the stupid details and throw him off the point.

I was a bit of an asshole - bit of a naive asshole.

I never got to thank him well enough for having given me a whole career.

I was planning to do something in his lifetime

and I ended up doing something after it, which was really annoying.

Are you sure you are up for it? Are you ready?

As ready as I will ever be, dear.

-You only live once, eh?

-Yes.

So, um, do you want to go in in this?

No, I don't want to get it wet, dear.

-Gently, dear.

-I'm sorry, I can't do it gently.

I've got to just really yank it.

Oh no, gently, you're breaking my arm, dear.

It's cos your hands are bigger than the sleeves.

-Oh!

-Sorry. OK, now pull your arm.

I can't, I haven't the strength, dear.

-In your underwear, are you all right?

-Oh yes. Protect my modesty, dear.

I don't want to frighten the horses.

Oh, look at that!

-They're naturally buoyant.

-That's true.

Oh look, I'm floating. I'm floating!

-I didn't know you'd float.

-No!

That's mystifying. Look at that, dear.

Oh.... Oh, it's the nicest thing I've ever felt.

It's better than flying, dear.

Oh, I can feel it seeping in.

-What do you mean?

-I think my legs are expanding.

Oh yes, they're getting wider and heavier.

Ah, the stars of Kentucky.

-Do you want to go under?

-Is it safe?

-Uh-huh.

-You have to hold your nose.

-I can't do that, dear.

-Can you fold your nose?

-Yes.

-Do that then. Yeah, like that.

Take a deep breath first, OK, and then go under.

INHALES

EXHALES

-You OK?

-That was too much, dear.

-I'm sorry.

You held me down too long. It's shocking.

It filled my mouth and my ears and my nose and my throat, and it was horrible.

-Take me out now.

-OK.

-A rum job, dear, a rum job.

You have to wring me dry.

-Oh, never again.

-You were having such a lovely time.

-Never again.

I'm gonna hit town later, get me some sweet Kentucky ass.

-Excuse me? You're a dog.

-They ain't fussy!

I don't know about this side to you - you're getting all horny.

I was thinking about it, Vent Haven,

I'm going to be God-darn celibate.

Probably a good thing.

I don't want to go anymore.

That is absurd.

-This whole trip has been about you going to Vent Haven.

-Why?

Because you are the man's best friend,

that's what you were always said to be.

Yeah, but I don't mean nothing to you.

So, you get rid of me? That's too easy.

-Say, Nina?

-Yeah?

What's all this about you giving up ventriloquism?

SHE LAUGHS

Don't laugh.

That's your career. What are you going to do?

-I'm giving it a good go, Ken.

-What do you mean?

-Well this is a last hurrah, you know?

-Last hurrah...

Nina?

Yeah?

So you had an abortion, didn't you?

Then about seven months later,

on the day it should have been born,

Monkey arrived, is that right?

Almost to the day.

Yeah.

Well, don't you think that's a bit of a coincidence?

Don't know.

Doesn't that make him your son?

Are you going to put your son in a box

and leave him there for the rest of your life?

But Ken, don't they know I'm not real?

-No, because in some sense, you are real.

-Right.

-Yeah?

Here's what Schiller said -

'There is a watcher at the gate of the mind

'and it's the watcher which stops you being creative.

'Because creation and insanity are almost the same thing.'

-Monkey, it's your job. She can't do it.

-Yes.

But you, you can kill off the watcher of the gate of the mind.

-Yes, I get you.

-So that we get...

We go raw, and into spontaneous imagination and creation.

-You not nervous?

-No, not particularly.

Are you thinking this might be our last gig?

Talk to me, Nina. Say something.

I enjoy when a ventriloquist takes ventriloquism to the next level.

This little box that has been stuck in with tradition

and consistency of conservativity - why be conservative?

Why think like everyone else does?

Why do the corny jokes with the wooden heads?

Be your own character.

I give you the talents of Nina Conti.

APPLAUSE

Hi!

Do you want to say hello?

Hello. Where are we?

We're at the ventriloquist convention.

Everybody here's a ventriloquist.

-No pressure, then?

-No(!)

LAUGHTER

-Oh, are you all right?

-Take it off.

-How?

-Just twist it.

Oh, no, don't twist it.

SHE GIGGLES

-I'm going to count from three to one...

-Yeah?

When I get to one, you'll be asleep.

Three... You're suddenly feeling quite tired.

Two... Your eyes are beginning to close.

One... You are now in a deep level of trance.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Ow!

LAUGHTER

I can't talk to this. It's too skeletal and it's freaking me out.

OK, then. Put his hand down by your side, but I'm still here.

-Where are you now?

-I'm in your mind.

MAN LAUGHS

The laughter's got a bit uneasy.

It's OK, we're nearly done.

LAUGHTER

-What do I do now?

-Are you ready for the final step?

No - what's the final step?

-I need to use your mouth.

-No, no, no, no.

-And your face.

-No, no, stay where you are.

-Here I come.

Here I come, here I come, here I am!

Oh, at last I'm in this stupid girl!

And you're all a bit freaked out now, aren't you?

Quite a sweet voice on a little monkey,

but within a dress, it's bloody sinister!

Thank you. Thank you, and good night.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

That performance was stunning. I can't imagine someone can get

that kind of expression out of that little puppet.

-You were really good with that ape.

-Thank you.

-You were awesome.

-You were really good.

The act was freaky but funny.

Do get the feeling that ventriloquism is downgraded -

people despair as soon as they see it's going to be ventriloquism?

That's my feeling.

I think it's given to you,

it's the possibility, which is good fun,

to raise up this discarded artform.

I'm happy to say, Christ, this is a thing, this is better.

OK, Nina. Well, I propose that you stage my death.

What?!

In order to investigate how you really feel about a life without me.

Yeah...

OK, Nina. Action!

OK, Nina, drop the monkey.

CAR ENGINE REVS

And action, car.

Jesus...

Monkey! MONKEY!

SHE SCREAMS

What happened?

SHE SCREAMS AND SOBS

-Holy cow!

-He's dead.

-Move your car! Move your car back!

I'm getting in the car!

SHE SOBS

-I'm sorry.

-I...

I was just going to take a pastor to his church.

Do you want him to have his last rites?

I don't... I don't understand.

You brought nothing into this world.

Certainly, we can take nothing with us.

What else can we say but earth to earth,

ashes to ashes,

dust to dust.

The body we live with is kindred on us,

in spirit we live with God.

Amen.

-I'm just so sorry.

-I know.

Thank you.

Can I try to get you another monkey or something?

I feel so bad. I mean, I don't know what to do.

Man, we're both ventriloquists.

I would have been the same.

I hope nobody thinks I did that deliberate

just to knock out one of my competitions.

-The Lord specialises in heavy hearts.

-Yeah.

SHE SOBS

One of the great ways of making a love story audience cry...

..is to part the lovers

and then unite them by chance, like all of a sudden. Yeah?

Bang!

That gets the folk.

I suppose you're wondering why we're out here?

I'm really sorry I never said thank you enough in your lifetime.

And...

I'm really grateful for the adventures

and ventriloquism and I'm sorry I was such a vapid, stupid idiot.

And I really loved you,

but I kept my distance.

I was scared of the shouting and the age difference.

Age difference?

Look at us now -

we're immortal!

It was a good job you brought my understudy along.

Yes, wasn't that a good job.

I couldn't have done that scene under the car - Jesus!

No...

That lady who run him over, wow, like her.

Was she lady, Nina?

Yes!

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-She sounds like a lady.

-Yeah.

-She's tall for a lady.

-Mm.

She's lady.

-Feeling good after your swim, Gran?

-Oh yes, it did me wonders.

That's terrific.

Dog's just told me he doesn't want to go to Vent Haven anymore.

Oh, really?

So no-one's going to go to Vent Haven after all.

That's not right.

Why not?

Someone's got to go.

We've come all this way.

Yes, we just...

I was interested in whether it would be possible to donate

a puppet to you guys and to the museum.

Yes, I can bring it over today.

Brilliant, thank you very much. OK, bye.

-Gran, we're here.

-Kentucky?

-We're at Vent Haven.

-Kentucky?

-Yes, we're here now. Are you ready?

-Yes, dear.

So, um, I just want to say goodbye.

Well done, dear.

You've been lovely. I really like you and I'll come and visit.

-Right you are.

-OK.

Bye, Gran. So good of you.

-No, it's no trouble, dear.

-OK.

-So, are you going to be warm enough?

-Yes, I'll be fine.

-OK.

What are you thinking, Nina?

I'm thinking that when Ken bought me

that first Teach Yourself Ventriloquism kit

I had no idea that it was going to change the course of my life

and that I'd end up probably going to a ventriloquists' convention

every year, just like Christmas or a birthday.

You mean you're going to carry on doing ventriloquism?

I somehow think we are.

That's cool.

# The other night, dear As I lay sleeping

# I dreamed I held you in my arms

# But when I awoke, dear I was mistaken

# And I hung my head and I cried

# You are my sunshine My only sunshine

# You make me happy When skies are grey

# You'll never know, dear How much I love you

# Please don't take my sunshine away. #

-I was wondering if you'd like this puppet?

-I would love it!

Would you really? Cos I'm no good at it,

and I've been trying so hard

-and I just thought you were so great and you're so promising.

-Thank you.

So that's from me, and I think it's going to a great home, so...

-Thank you.

-You're welcome. Good luck with him.

# I think you played the game right from the start

# This toy heart was broken when parting words were spoken

# Darling, you toyed with a toy heart

# Now darling you know you've done me wrong

# Your love for me has passed and gone

# I'll find somebody new I hope that they'll be true

# Darling you toyed with a toy heart

# Darling you toyed with a toy heart

# I think you played the game right from the start

# This toy heart was broken when parting words were spoken

# Darling you toyed with a toy heart. #

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello, welcome back.

-Welcome back.

-Did you miss me?

Yes. Very much.

Good.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd